


Until We Say Goodnight

by pacattack777



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Friendship, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-25
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2017-11-19 13:38:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 205,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/573852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pacattack777/pseuds/pacattack777
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What a generic au. The life of the one and only Dave Strider in which he falls in love with, surprise surprise, John Egbert. My angsty rambles flooded with melodramatic reactions and far too much sarcasm</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It all started when I was 13.

 I had pretty much the same appearance, pale-skinned, blonde, and freckled with those irreplaceable and irremovable shades plastered to my face. Though I was shorter, scrawnier and less experienced at the best of everything, I still held my normal, apathetic expression. Other than slight look differences, I had the same unchanged attitude, personality, and over all persona.

 I was in all aspects Dave Strider.

 The stoic, swagger flooded cool kid that never dropped a single hint of emotion.

 Well, on the outside at least.

 On the inside, it was a completely different story.

 Almost the entirety of my adolescent life, in which would later become the complete focus of my adult life as well, was spent with emotions rearing their ugly heads and flipping tables in my mind. And it all led back to the fact that I was defenselessly and helplessly crushing hard on a guy. That's right, a guy.

 But this wasn't just 'some guy'. He was my best friend, my biggest bro, pal honcho, side kick, wingman, whatever the fuck you want to call him.

 To me, he was just John Egbert.

 Irrevocably adorable; dorky and unmistakably perfect, John Egbert.

But we're not quite there yet. The fluttering would arise. About a year into high school. But as for right now, I was a freshman with a legacy; and that takes talent. I couldn't quite figure out how, but no matter who you were, you had somehow or another heard the name Dave Strider. I didn't mind it most of the time, but other times it wasn't in the best regards. Before I had even made it to the school, I was already known as an egotistical asshole; not that I could deny it. During my time as a freshman in the glorious education system the government feels fit to force us through, I earned my rightful title as someone not to mess with and who didn't mess with others. I spend most of my time alone with the few friends I had accumulated and ultimately stuck with over the years. I didn't have too many of what people considered friends. It seemed too worry the guidance counselor, but she didn't quite understand the complexity and unrealistic accomplishment of befriending a Strider. Few could complete this task and it was surprising who actually did. Save my beautifully intelligent, but not at all coherent to anyone of average brain mass, sister Rose and our mutual pal Jade, there were a scarce to whom I socialized with. Jade had tons of friends, but I just wasn't like that. Never really that social in the first place.

I had also somehow gained the bad rap as being able to kick anyone's ass I pleased. Good thing it was true. I never thought I would enjoy the benefits of Bro's constant strifing until I got to high school where it seemed everyone automatically hated you. Given my apparent 'attitude' didn't help things. According to some of the lovely upperclassmen I was a smug little prick who thought too high of himself a need to be knocked down a few notches. The words didn't have the same affect when I managed to beat two of them down only gaining a small black eye and a busted lip in return. I thought I had done pretty well, but Bro thought otherwise. That night when I got home, I had a few choice words with my brother that I'd rather not repeat. In the end, I got pissed and sat in my room with headphones shoved in my ear until I got hungry enough to venture out and force down some pizza.

But other than the few jerks that inhabit every school, no one really wanted to try and get past my expressionless features. I wasn't really as big of a dick as most people thought I was. I just didn't find the need to reach out to people. If someone wanted to get close, I'd let you if I felt so, but half assed tries never made it past my first nerve. If I didn't like them, I'd say so. People seemed to take that as being a jerk, but I simply didn't want to waste my time on those who weren't going to try and be personable.

Either way, it wasn't wrong to say a lot of people didn't like me. If they didn't know me well enough, I did come off as an ass. I guess I could have tried to be nicer, but what's the point when nothing sways your emotions in the slightest? When you've grown up to be this facade of white that has no markings or color other than what others deem 'cool', there's no point to conforming to what others want.

There had to be someone who understood that point.

There had to be someone that new me better than a pair of shades and an impassive face.

I guess it was futile to search. Might as well let them find me instead.

And that's what I did.

 

It was the beginning of a new semester. The bell tolled eight and I found myself blatantly ignoring the principle drumming through her daily announcements. Within a matter of minutes, she was done. The speaker clicked off just before my overly enthusiastic teacher began clapping her hands together.

"Listen here class! Welcome back from winter break. I hope all of you are ready to begin anew. And with this fine new semester, we have a brand new student!"

I raised my head out of curiosity, dropping my pen that I had been doodling with to smack against the paper. Her arm swung to the side just as the door clicked open. No one entered for a good twenty seconds until finally an old shoe poked in by a fluff of the blackest hair I've ever seen.

He entered quietly, eyes darting around the room as he gnawed on his bottom lip with his obvious buck teeth like there was nothing left to hold onto. Bright blue eyes shown behind think framed glasses even with the evident fear behind them.

There was something oddly familiar about them.

Now let me point this out right now, this was not some fairy tell. I don't believe in any of that love at first sight bullshit. Because frankly, my first impression of this kid was not in the best heed. I was already mentally making fun of the kid as I peered over the top of my dark shades. And equally, I was praying to god that I didn't have to interact with this derpy, scrawny dork.

Just my luck that I would, right?

"This is our newest student. His name is John and-" She turned to him, giddy smile and all. "Where are you from, honey?"

He just stared at her for a moment before letting go of his lip and spluttering out a quick, "W- Washington."

"Well haven't you come a long way!" She exclaimed with a laugh that he returned quietly. "Anyway, everyone make him feel welcome." With a quick glance around, her eye landed on me and she grinned even wider. "Ah yes, you can go sit right there by Dave. Don't let him scare you."

His eyes landed on me, and I think maybe I caught the quick flash of an unexplainable smile before he began to chew on the raw flesh of his lip again. Scurrying quickly, he sat himself beside me, eyes locked on the table.

"Dave." I said, tilting my head to the side a little to see his face.

He looked up, a conceded look of slight disappointment washing over. Brows twitched as his eyes dimmed for a brief second. I didn't quite understand it, but he also didn't give much time to examine it before he was back to smiling sheepishly.

"John." He replied in a quiet voice that was on the verge of breaking. He left it at that with the smallest laugh that was uncomfortable but somehow still sincere.

I gave a nod of recognition before continuing to doodle silently. He stayed quiet the entire class. Didn't answer questions, didn't try to talk to me. He just sat and stared at the desk and occasionally played a beat through his fingers. They tapped lightly, beating out what I could only guess was some sort of piano melody from the way his fingers stretched and ran across the cool, black surface. I had become transfixed on his hands to the point where I dropped my pen. His fingers stopped, eyes clicking to the pen when it smacked the desk then up to my face. A sudden pink tint washed over his cheeks as his hands slid back into his lap. He whispered an apology before looking off to the side.

I opened my mouth to speak, but the bell rang cutting me off. People stood immediately, the shuffling of books and feet filling the room. The teacher tried to remind us of our quiz tomorrow over the chattering students, opening the door and letting the swarm evacuate. I stood, turning to leave, but John's voice caught me.

"Hey Dave!" He squeaked, immediately recoiling.

"Yeah?" I asked, walking around the desk and holding my books against my hip.

"Eh," He looked down for a second but then right back up. "What class do you have next?"

I thought for a moment and began to walk out the door. "English. Why?"

He scurried behind me, eventually making it to my side.

"I have Spanish. Um, do you think you could show me where it is? I practically got lost getting here. I had to go find the office and even when they told me, I got lost again. My old high school wasn't this big, and there are just so many rooms I don't know where to go sometimes. It was a lot of walking until finally I asked this girl who brought me here, so-"

We had begun walking down the hall, but I stopped and stuck my hand in his face. "Hey." He shut up, lips pulling together and getting sucked into his mouth until you couldn't see them anymore. "Chill. I'll show you."

He smiled again, buck teeth poking out just a tad which caught me of guard. The fact that it almost made me laugh struck me as odd. And it wasn't a laugh to make fun of him; it was a laugh that would make me feel silly and girly for having even the slightest thought that his dental problem was anything but dorky.

"Come on." Continuing to walk, he followed closely at my side.

His eyes darted from face to face in the hall with the look like he thought everyone wanted to pummel him. Some probably did. His was skinny, a little short for our age, and altogether dorky. I couldn't help but think of exactly who would be the first to take a jab at him.

I stopped in front a closed door, stepping to the side of it.

"Here you go."

He gave me a nod followed by that tiny smile. "Thanks."

"No prob bro."

A kid slid in between us with an impatient huff and shoved the door open. John gave a small wave and slid in after him.

I just turned on my heels, beginning to walk off and- shit, that's the bell. He made me late.

But somehow, I couldn't find the reason to care.

I just followed down the quickly dispersing hall with a whistle and my hands in my pockets.

 

Soon enough, lunch came and my heels were being followed by John once again. He still didn't speak very much. Even when I plopped down at the table with my brown bag of shitty food, he stayed standing just staring at the floor.

I kicked the chair next to me out with my foot and nodded to it.

"Sit down."

His head rose, questioning eyes staring back at me.

I nodded again before turning to begin ripping the bag open and eating.

He sat down as soon as I turned like I might change my mind of he didn't.

He pulled open a Ghost Busters lunch box that made me smirk but not dare make a crack about it. He'd probably get all nervous and hide it without eating if I did.

A moment after we had begun eating, we were joined by my lovely friend and even more lovely sister.

"Afternoon Dave!" Jade piped only to make me wince a little from her hyperness.

"Hey Jade. Rose." I replied, taking another bite of my sandwich.

"Hello brother." She returned, sitting across from me but quickly turning her attention to John. "May I ask who our new friend is?"

"Oh," I began, setting my food down. "This is John. John, this Harley and my sis Rose."

"My name's Jade." She commented, extending her hand with a bright smile. "Harley is my last name."

He reached across the table, shaking her hand politely. "As he said, I'm John."

"Welcome John!" She exclaimed. "Hope you like it here."

"It's alright so far. Pretty big; I kept getting lost, but Dave's been helping me."

"Dave being helpful? It's unheard of." Rose's voice was dripping with snide sarcasm.

"Yeah, screw you Lalonde." I spat back, but we both held the lightest smirks.

That's how it was with Rose and me. We would constantly insult each other, but never actually mean it.

And with Jade, well I could never really be mad at her. Sure, she annoyed the hell out of me sometimes, but you can't get mad at someone with a personality like hers; especially since it was accompanied by her giant green eyes that could make anyone change their minds in a split second.

And as for John- well I didn’t even know this kid. He’d just been following me around like a puppy all day. Big eyed and scared to death. I’m surprised he hadn’t passed out from fear.

And follow me is exactly what he did. I led him to third block, found him when it was over, and took him to the fourth block we shared. We had gym, and didn’t it suck. Thankfully, today was mostly free time, so I didn’t have to excise that much. Not that I minded exercise really. I got plenty of it from Bro. I mainly minded the douchebags and assholes I had to deal with in that class; a bunch of jocks that I wanted to punch in the jaw until they could no longer speak through their bloody lips.

I resisted the urge to everyday, and thankfully I hadn’t acted out yet. Silently shouting at them in my head and doing all I could to avoid having contact with them. Withstanding all I could until the bell rang and we filed into the locker rooms to change and go the fuck home.

And wasn’t I happy to. But surprise, surprise, as soon as I shut my locker door, there were those glasses and buck teeth right beside me. I jumped on the inside, but stayed completely stoic to those around me.

“Yes?”

“I was wondering…” He glanced around before peeling his eyes back up. “Do you ride the bus?”

I shut my locker, slinging my backpack over one shoulder and walking down the halls. “Nah, I don’t live too far so I walk.”

“Oh…” He replied. Was that… disappointment? Couldn’t be. “Alright. That’s cool.”

“Sorry bro. Guess You’ll have to live without my guidance for a few hours.”

He laughed quietly, but it was close to sincere. “Yeah. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Course.” We passed through the front door of the school and made our way down the side walk. Upon reaching the end of it, I stopped and turned. “Oh hey, what’s your last name?”

“Egbert.” He replied and gripped the straps of his backpack with both hands.

“Well then Egbert, I’ll catch ya later.”

He nodded with a grin-I noted it brighter than normal- before turning and walking towards the bus stop.

I turned in the other direction to begin the short stroll home. It was getting warmer already. Though it never got too cold, the coats would soon turn to jackets and scarves would be abandoned altogether. Through the closest neighborhood and down a few more streets there were the apartment buildings in which I lived. The first building was ours, and we were about half way up it. Up the stairs and down the hall, I threw the apartment door open, walking in and throwing my backpack to the ground.

It was quiet. Oddly quiet except for a few strange noises here and there.

I turned the corner of the small hall leading from the door only to find the source of the muffled noises. Bro was up against the counter with his tan, fruity little boyfriend sitting on the tiled surface, legs around his waist and tongue shoved down his throat. I let out a long, drawn out noise of discontent that was somewhere in between a groan and the sound of a dying animal. There was a large smack when they broke, both heads turned to stare at me; one flushed red and the other as complacent as ever.

"Oh-" He cleared his throat and caught his breath. "Hey little man. Home so soon?"

"It's 3:30." I replied blankly.

"Man, when did it get so late?"

I sighed, rubbing my face. "Listen, can you stop sucking face with English for one fucking minute so I can get some damn food?"

“Eh, actually Strider, I best be going too.”

Bro moved, rolling out of Jake’s legs and up against the counter beside them. Jake hopped down, running a hand through frenzied hair to straighten it a little before patting his cheeks and ridding himself of the blush.

“Bye Jakey~” He cooed after him in that mocking yet affectionate way only able to be instilled by his daunting little boyfriend.

My eyes dared to roll, but I stopped them as well as the short sigh trying to escape. I stepped over to the fridge, pulling out a banana and ripping it open. I had sat at the table and eaten about half of it before the silence was broken.

“So… how was school?”

My brows twitched as my head turned to stare at him with an odd expression he couldn’t see. “Why do you ask?”

He shrugged, his hands pushing down on the counter and one leg crossed over the other. “Don’t know. Just making idle conversation.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“Why?”

“It’s creepy.”

“Well I have to entertain myself in some way since you barged in here and ruined my fun.”

This time the sigh escaped. “Excuse me for not wanting to watch the gay ass adventure that is my brother and Jake.”

“Yeah, you’re jealous.”

“ _Oh so jealous._ ” I mused, finishing off the banana and standing to throw it away. “But if you must know, I was followed all day by some derpy new kid.”

“Oh really? What’s their name?”

“John.”

“John?” His voice suddenly held something I could only note as interest.

I perched a brow and turned back to him. “Yeah.”

“What’s his last name?”

“Egbert, why do you care?”

He remained silent for a few moments, mulling over his thoughts. “Interesting. No reason really.” Then he pushed from the counter. “Well, I have to go. Early gig tonight. Got to keep those beats pumping.”

“Whatever.” I replied, but I was already walking down the hall to my room.

And with the click of the door, I was alone. What was the point in that conversation? He seemed genuinely intrigued by the name. Maybe he knew someone related to him. Pretty likely with the amount of people Bro knew. God could only tell what the guy was thinking about. I didn’t know over half the time.

With a shrug, I entered my room and sat down to wander the internet until I stopped to do my homework.

It had been an odd day, and I could only imagine it was going to get weirder from here on out because of my new friendship with this dorky kid, John Egbert.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day was the same, and even the one after that was left with little change. John followed me wherever I went, smiling awkwardly and making a joke every now and then. He still never left my foot prints, but I sometimes wondered why he constantly walked behind me; never at my side. I guess it didn’t affect me that I wasn’t come to be known as the savior of the dorks, but it was a little cumbersome the way his feet were almost directly on top of mine with every step just a hair’s breadth behind. I felt a little paranoid by it, but never brought myself to say anything.

Even so, slowly, he began to open up more. At first only to me, but then to Jade and Rose as well. I had to admit, it was hard to stay closed up to Jade because she practically drug every last detail of your personal life out of you. And Rose, well I don’t think anyone opened up willingly to her other than me. She was my consort of sorts. Never really that judgmental, but never missing at opportunity to analyze the shit out of someone. When she was telling me pricking the complexity yet momentary candor of a Strider’s brain was one of her favorite pastimes, how could I not tell her everything and subject myself to her lovely torment?

This night in particular I was procrastinating a great amount, face in the covers of my bed and my fingers listlessly holding a pencil that had been writing complete bull shit answers on my homework. Even if the bridge of my glasses was digging into my skin, I wouldn’t move my head until I heard a single knock at the door. With my head rising and my eyes cutting up, I saw a small piece of paper slip under the door. With a groan, I pulled myself down to pick the note up. On it, in uncharacteristically neat handwriting, was the simple word ‘Roof’. Another groan escaped as I opened the door to find a sword awaiting my eyes. Bending down, I picked it up to examine it only before clasping down tightly and walking out of the apartment. I muttered to myself up the stairs, a countless amount of flights until finally reaching the top. When the door slammed open, he was already standing with his back facing me. His hands were folded behind his back, his sword in them indolently.

“Can we get this over with quickly?” I called impatiently, moving over to take my place across from him.

He turned to face me, a light smirk sketched across his face. “Eager?”

“I have fucking homework to do.”

“Since when do you care about your homework?”

“Rather do that than this.”

He paused before snorting to himself and stepping closer. “Well then I suppose you’re right. Let’s get this over with.”

“Wonderful.”

My stance was strong, both feet twisted just right and my grip just tight enough on the blade’s handle to allow a good hold but also loose enough to let it spin if needed. The air was heavy but the wind cold. Clouds drifted as they may in the setting sun. Though my eyes couldn’t stray from the person in front of me, every other sense picked up any detail out of my sight. There was a chuckle, low and rumbling through his chest, that made my nerves run on end and my blood churn cold. No matter how many times I did this, he still intimidated me to all extents. No matter my anxieties, my mouth stayed pulled into a thin line, eye brows remained still and relaxed, and my muscles as un-tensed as I could force them to be.

He claimed this was bonding time, but I think it was just another excuse to beat me down. I would rather prefer words that I could easily shrug off, but he wanted to leave permanent reminders of how much stronger he was than me. Physically and emotionally more stable. Sometimes I was glad he had forced me into this habit, but other times I became really sick of it. I didn’t always have the time or the patience to drop everything and come fight him

But he didn’t seem to care.

“You going to move or just stand there shaking?” His voice rattled loud. Even if he was only a few yards away, it sounded like he was right beside me.

What came out as relaxed and strong was much more frantic in my head. “I’m not shaking.”

He merely smirked, chuckle leaving his throat in a cocky rasp. “Then move kid.”

Slowly, my foot shifted from its glued position on the concrete. It was halfway in the air before I slammed it back down and used it to push me forward. Both hands gripping my sword, I charged at him; eyes locked on his face and my arms swinging the blade forward. For once I thought I almost had him, but the same as always, I was no more than an inch away from slicing his arm when he disappeared. Suddenly behind me, he was striking me between my shoulder blades with the blunt end of his weapon. It caused me to lurch forward and let out a deep, pain filled grunt as I spun around. He wasn’t there. I looked from side to side more anxious than anyone could tell, but he was already leaning over the back of my shoulder. There was a whispered ‘boo’ in my ear. I mentally jumped but managed kept my figure still.

I never knew how he did it. One second he was in one place, and in the next he was gone and already a step in front of you. It pissed me off really. He always used it to trip me up and beat me down. If he wasn’t so goddamn quick I could have easily beaten him ten times over. But like this it was impossible; pathetic really. How much he had over my head. Strength, experience, collectiveness; he had more of everything I yearned for.

My feet pulled me away, pivoting until I was finally facing him again. I was already sweating, but he was as dry as can be with his sword across his shoulders held by one hand and the other arm at his side.

“You’re an arrogant ass.” I cursed, keeping my voice solid and flat even though my arms felt heavy mirrored by my weakening legs.

“Takes one to know one.” He moved again with that mocking tone. He was too fast. I tried to escape, but he was on me with an arm around my neck and the other under one of my arms. He tugged up, fingers digging into my skin and forcing my hands to open. My sword that was released clanked to the ground in defeat. The sound resonated through my ears until his voice washed over my shame. “But at least I follow through with my arrogance. Yours is hollow.”

His grip then loosened, letting me relax back to my previous rigid state. He brushed away, pushing up his shades onto the bridge of his nose and continuing it up to run his hand through his hair.

“Yeah, fuck you. At least I don’t find it entertaining to fight someone smaller than me and half my age.” I hissed, more anger leaving my voice than I had hope.

He had caught it, stopping immediately. My teeth gritted knowing how many points I had just lost for letting my cool slip. And there it was. A sharp sting pierced my cheek creating a burning touch. With the sensation came the trickling feeling of liquid. I raised my hand, wiping my thumb along the searing flesh to find a familiar deep red smearing onto my finger. Eyes focusing forward again, I was met with that irritating smirk and the point of his blade inches from my face. A drop of blood, my blood, dripped from the very tip. He brought it back, wiping it off between his fingers before looking back to me.

“You really shouldn’t back talk the guy who just kicked your ass.” His smooth voice made my blood boil.

I was irascible when it came to my brother. He got under my skin with each word and found every way to set me off. People told me that I was the spitting image of him, but I only mentally cursed myself when I realize how right they were. Sometimes I despised my brother. Sometimes I thought about trying to hurt him for real, but then I remembered he's all I had. He made me what I was, teaching me everything I knew. Made me stoic, indifferent to anything and everything. Showed me how to fight and I knew he only sparred with me like this to keep me strong. But times like this he went a little too far. I was still young and couldn’t control my emotions all the time. It was exhausting to constantly keep myself in check, but I did it for him. Always trying to be good enough, but always seeming to fall short.

I really did look up to my brother. Our parents died when we were young which left him to raise me when he was only fifteen. I was only four at the time. Not like a teenager to take care of a baby. I'm sure he had help, but even then it must've been torturous. He never liked to talk about it, but neither did I really. We survived and that was all that mattered.

All that mattered until he made those smart ass comments that made me want to punch his face in.

The door clicked when he left me standing alone on the roof. I bent down, picking up the sword before clenching my fist around it. I let it drag behind me with the screech of metal against concrete. The next time I released it, I was in my room. I had visited the bathroom and looked in the mirror to asses just how bad the cut was. Not too much harm done. Just a deep enough scrape to make it bleed like it did. It would heal quick enough, and I don’t think scar would be very noticeable, if it even was at all.

I was now returning with a wet cloth in my hand. I slung the sword to the floor near the far wall before flopping on my bed and grabbing my phone. Cloth to my cheek, I unlocked my phone with Rose's name popping up.

TT: Are you busy?

TG: well other than getting verbally and physically abused by my image obsessed psychotic brother and getting the wonderful feeling of a blade to my face no

TG: im not busy

TT: Great.

TG: did you just completely ignore what i said to you

TT: David, I have long learned to bi-pass your rants on your brother and stray from the minefield of self-pity filled 'woe is me' instances.

TG: you are so cold to me

TT: I've come to embrace my apathy.

TG: ive left my influence on you

TT: Heaven forbid.

TT: I'd rather blame this on the indifference of society than taking any ideas from a so called cool kid.

TG: you know you aspire to be me

TT: Oh yes. Please teach me the ways of being cool oh great one.

TG: will do noble follower

TT: Some other time maybe.

TT: As of right now however, I have a different quandary.

TG: lay it on me

TT: It’s about our newly acquired companion John

TG: who said he was our companion

TT: Oh, I’m sorry. Would you prefer me address him as our friend instead?

TG: god no

TG: thats even worse

TG: i dont even know the kid

TT: Well, no one said he was either, I suppose, but he did seem to follow you around.

TT: It would appear he has taken quite a fondness to you.

TG: oh really

TG: i didnt notice that he was up my ass all day

TT: No need for that level of sarcasm

TG: theres always a reason for sarcasm

TT: It’s worse than your ‘rhymes’.

TG: because nothing is better than my sick rhymes

TT: We’re getting off topic.

TT: I am trying to address a pertinent matter, and you are not helping.

TG: welcome to a conversation with me

TT: Dave.

TG: fine

TG: ill entertain you

TG: oh rose please tell me about what is on your mind i am so very curious and i cant wait to hear what you have to say about our lovely new little friend to whom i also care so very much about

TT: There truly is no way to have an even remotely serious conversation with you is there?

TG: nope

TT: I should disown you as my brother.

TG: you couldnt live without my darling personality or dashingly handsome face

TT: True, my life would be so mundane without you

TG: hell yeah

TT: Anyway, back to John. Do you not feel a certain familiarity about him?

TG: not really

TG: i mean i guess a little but a lot of people our age look the same

TT: Not just that. I’m saying more about the way he acts as well as his physical appearance.

TT: You really don’t see it?

TG: cant say i do

TG: though its weird now that you mention it

TG: when i told bro about him the other day he seemed to get unusually interested

TG: like he knew something i didnt

TT: Oh.

TG: what

TT: I just now remembered.

TG: remembered what

TT: I expected you to pick up on this immediately.

TT: I suppose you are more naïve than I thought.

TT: You amaze me sometimes, Strider.

TG: what are you saying

TT: Oh, it’s nothing really.

TT: I’ll let you stumble upon this fact on your own.

TG: rose i have no idea what youre getting at

TT: Of course not, though I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough.

TG: find out what

TT: I shouldn’t say

TT: It’s not my tale to tell.

TT: Now I have to go. I think mother just got home.

TT: Goodbye Dave

TG: rose wait

TG: what am i going to find out

TG: rose

TG: dammit

TG: fuck you

I slung my phone away letting it slid along the covers until it smacked against the wall with a dull thud. It was seven when I glanced at the clock. Deciding not to move in order to eat, I wasn’t that hungry anyway. I reached blindly to the floor. I felt around for my laptop before pulling it up and slinging it open. I was about to turn it on when my phone made another dinging noise that drug my attention away. I reached over to bring my phone in front of my face and unlock it. There was an unknown number written across the screen.

EG: hey, Dave!

TG: whos this

EG: it’s John. :B

TG: oh hey bro

TG: sup

EG: not much. rose gave me your number, so I thought I’d go ahead and tell you I have it.

TG: and why exactly did she give it to you

EG: not sure really. she just said ‘hey John this is Dave’s number. I think you should text him.’

EG: when I asked her why, she didn’t give me a straight answer

EG: just replied with ‘don’t worry about it. You’ll know soon enough.’

Damn you Lalonde. I sighed, rubbing my face before tacking out a quick reply.

TG: alright cool

TG: well i have a lot of shit i need to get done so ill see you at school tomorrow

EG: yeah, see you tomorrow!

With one glance at the message, I set my phone on the nightstand beside my bed. Great, the dork now had my number. At first I felt annoyed that Rose had so flippantly given it away, but then I couldn’t help but have that feeling subside. I didn’t know why, but after a few minutes I wasn’t annoyed at all.

Maybe he wouldn’t pester me too much.

Damn was I wrong. He then proceeded to text me every night- but I learned to not care after a while.

I would never admit I liked it though; at least not for some time.

 

The next morning, I was sure to be late to class. I had to spend a few extra moments this morning trying to stop the bleeding I had caused from the cut across my cheek after forgetting it was there and scrubbing a little too hard. After I finally got it to quit, I rushed into the kitchen to get some breakfast. Cutting quickly around the corner, my face smacked right into an overly built chest that I knew didn’t belong to my brother. There was a slightly musty smell covered by cologne and an over bearing warmth. I backed up a few steps, craning my neck to see who I had just collided with. My eyes locked on vaguely familiar emerald ones behind thick framed glasses and a wide grin.

It was way too early to be grinning.

“The fuck are you doing here English? Bro’s probably still asleep, you might want to come over later.”

He just chuckled, slapping my shoulder harder than he knew. I jostled me a bit, but I quickly pushed my shades back into place. “Oh chap, I’m not coming over. I’m actually leaving. Got to get to work early.”

It dawned on me that I never knew exactly what this mysterious jungle man did, but I also couldn’t find time to care.

“Well when exactly did you get here?” I asked as I moved past him, not exactly giving a shit but only trying to figure why he had to be here and end up making my cheek hurt yet again.

He was quiet for a moment, thinking. “I’d say about half past two. Yes, that seems about right.”

My brows rose as I turned, now with a poptart in one hand. “Why in hell did you come over at two thirty in the fucking morning?”

He fell silent again, eyes averting to the ground and his cheeks gaining a light flush of red before he gave a nervous chuckle. “Well if you must know-”

He stopped when my hand flicked back and forth with my head before I made a groaning sound and grabbed my bag. “Nevermind. I’d really rather not scar myself. I gotta go anyway.”

“Right o, have a good day Dave!”

“Yeah.” I mumbled back already passing out the door and cramming the rest of the poptart in my mouth.

I then had to nearly sprint to school to make it on time. Once I got there, I was ready to sit in my normal seat and pass he fuck out until second block. John wouldn’t have this though. I hadn’t been sitting five seconds before a gasp hit my ear. I opened a previously closed eye, glancing to the side at him. He was staring horrifically at my face, but not my eyes. Apparently he thought I wasn’t looking, because he then reached out and brushed the tip of his finger down the scarring skin. I hissed at the pain before I could move away and bat at his hand.

“Fuck Egbert, what do you think you’re doing?”

“What happened?” He squeaked, turning a few heads.

This kid really didn’t know how to be quiet.

“Just got into a strife with Bro. Apparently my attitude wasn’t as charming to him as it is to most people.”

“So he cut your face?”

I shrugged half-heartedly. “More or less.” I shifted a little, admitting the next part almost stubbornly. “Guess I deserved it. You don’t back talk that guy. I’m lucky this is all that happened.”

“He hasn’t changed a bit.” John surprisingly managed a whisper this time.

It would have probably been inaudible to most, but I had trained my ear to pick up even the smallest sounds. You have to when you live with a ninja like Bro.

“What was that?” I asked with the upturn of my brow.

“Oh,” He piped, eyes flicking quickly back to mine. His face split into his signature, buck-toothed grin and gaudy giggle. “Nothing. Just thinking out loud. Don’t worry about it.”

I brushed the slight instance of curiosity off, slacking back into my chair and closing my eyes again.

It was only a minute before John was back to whisper-shouting at me as the teacher taught. He really had changed in just a few days. And the weeks to come only proved my previous theories of him being extremely shy even more wrong.

When I first met John, I could have sworn I would never meet a kid more socially awkward and dorky than him, but once again I was proved wrong about that too. No, I didn’t meet someone more awkward, but I soon learned that he really wasn’t _that_ weird. He was actually pretty social and made friends quickly. The little fucker. Besides Jade, Rose, and me, he actually gained quite a few other companions. From the people in his Spanish class to the other nerds that always searched for more people like themselves, his group of acquaintances kept growing. It didn’t bother me, per se, but you think you could give the guy who befriended you before anyone some of your precious time.

No, that sounded too desperate and jealous, and I was in no way jealous. That’s not something Strider’s ever are.

It was simply that in the weeks to come this semester, John had become even more talkative. His jokes came quicker and snider while he even pranked me a few times. This, of course, was met with a death threat especially the one time he managed to quirt me with water from some ridiculous bowtie. You never mess with a Strider’s hair.

But besides the jokes and pranks, he shared more about where he used to live and his family. His cake obsessed father and how his mother died when he was really young so he didn’t quite remember her. Everything seemed so familiar. Like I had heard it in a story somewhere. And with every comment, Rose would look at me with a perched brow, but if I ever questioned her, she would just shake he head and change the subject.

Something about this familiarity only drew my interests closer. I found myself watching his mannerisms and the way he laughed that made me want to smile even if I never did. I chocked it up to the fact that I had spent the good part of middle and high school only conversing with a blonde she-demon and a dark haired, gullible airhead so it was nice to have someone to joke with. But mostly I think I knew his personality was completely opposite from mine and that’s what made me find his company endearing in some sorts. In the end I gave up on thinking about it for there was always this unexplainable and extremely uncomfortable flip in my stomach and pulse through to my palms. Instead, I focused on my life. That’s what mattered anyway. What I was doing, not what he was doing. His friends didn’t matter. The time he spent with them didn’t matter. I denied it myself, but I also knew the only reason it didn’t matter was because at the end of the day I would still get home to be met with a text. He never missed a day. Even if I never saw him during class or while we ate lunch, he still managed to talk to me every day.

But why was I even thinking about this?

He wasn’t important. Just another friend that decided to put up with my standoff assholery.

Just another friend.

 _Friend._ I swear it.


	3. Chapter 3

No matter what, I always came back to it. This something that never left. This something about a one John Egbert that was so familiar. Something about the way he moved and those teeth that poked out when he grinned as wide as he could that replayed in my mind until I couldn’t take the familiarity. It bothered me. Now Rose knew something. She wouldn’t tell me, but whenever I said anything about the fact, or when John was around, she would gain this wicked smirk. I tried to brush it aside, but it always seemed to work its way back in my thoughts.

But something even more worrisome came to me. Even with my curiosity picking away at me, there was another thing that bothered me more that my ignorance to the situation. It was John himself. Not the way I felt as if I knew him, but just him as a person that sat beside me every morning always smiling and joking. It was the fact that over the few weeks I came to know him, I began to enjoy his company.

Something I regretted.

I didn’t want to like having a friend like him. I denied it, but that never meant it went away. I wouldn’t admit it to anyone, not even myself at first. Still, something appealing came to me whenever he was around.

It was unusual. I thought so as did many others. We would get odd looks from the occasional passerby when he bounced beside me, blabbering away down the hall. I had always been known as somewhat of a loner. Others were too scared to bother me or thought I was too standoffish for a friendship. But somehow, John didn't think twice about these things. He played pranks on me and threw jokes left and right. When I glared at others, they would back away with sheepish eyes. Stoic expressions seeming to intimidate them. John just laughed, telling me my face was funny when I got angry. If I ever denied the fact that I was even the slightest bit annoyed, he would simply punch my shoulder and keep on laughing. I was surprised to find someone who could actually tell jokes that made me want to laugh while putting up with my belligerence. Even if I never did actually break a smile or chuckle loud enough for anyone to hear, he seemed to take note of my different smirks and the raise of my brows in amusement. Then he would grin from ear to ear like an idiot, all his teeth showing and his eyes being forced to squint.

At the time, we were just two freshmen with silly thoughts. I wouldn’t say that things became worse, but they definitely began to change. The amount of time that John spent with his new friends grew. It wasn’t long before he told me he decided to join the track team which successfully sucked up that last remaining bit of his free time. It didn’t bother me. No, I would never let it bother me. At least to other people. Though I soon realized how little interaction I had before I became friends with John. I was back to idle conversation with Rose and Jade, spending little time with them, but most of it alone again. Rose seemed to take note, which for some reason only made her smirk a little more. Once I thought I heard her mumble something among the lines of _‘I guess you never changed’,_ but when I asked her, she just waved me off and once again repeated _‘you’ll know soon enough’_ Things didn’t any better either. I was soon met with an impending doom I was never prepared for.

I sat down at our usual lunch table, beginning to pull the random assortment of food from the brown bag. Rose was already sitting and delicately nibbling at a sandwich when she gave one quick glance and a nod hello. I returned it, opening up a bag of chips and popping a few in my mouth. I made sure to crunch them loudly knowing it annoyed her. Her reaction was almost instantaneous. Shoulders twitching to hunch and fingers tightening on the soft bread, her eyes drug back up to my face.

“Must you?”

“I must.”

Just then, her eyes fell to the empty seat beside me but shortly returned.

“Where’s John?” She asked, setting her sandwich down softly.

I shrugged, feigning my lack of interest in the same very question.

“You don’t know?” She continued. Her intentions of rankling me were obvious and indicative of something I couldn’t pinpoint. My fault was that I let her.

“I’m not his keeper.” I quipped, maybe a tad too short for her brows shot up. Giving me an odd look of curiosity at my sudden change in tone, she simply continued eating while I managed a close to silent sigh. “Probably off with his friends singing ridiculous songs and quoting even more ridiculous, obscure lines from the shitty movies they all adore.” Thankfully, the annoyance in my character stayed mostly in my throat, but after so many years, Rose could easily hear it past even my monotone voice.

“Green is not a good color on you.” Her response was malevolent and laden with mockery followed by a smirk.

Jade sat down just as Rose spoke and giggled before even settling in.

“But Rose, Dave’s not wearing green.”

We both sighed, Rose shaking her head, and me rubbing my eyes from beneath my shades. I worried about Jade sometimes. “She means I’m jealous.” I began, looking back up before shortening my gaze to a hinting glare towards my accuser. “Which I’m not.”

“What are you jealous of?” Jade continued with a tilted head. Apparently she had paid no heed to my statement.

“Not jealous.” I quipped back, but Rose was already covering my correction with her own explanation.

“He’s worried our dear little John has found new friends that are of higher quality and give more appeal than we can.”

“That’s good though. That he’s found new friends. Right?”

“Yes, it is. For John.” Rose shot a glance to me before once again smiling lightly at Jade. “But not for his best friend.”

“I’m not his best friend.” I commented quietly, food being crammed down my throat before I would let myself say anymore.

“Oh,” She paused; hand over her mouth with an incredulous look. “Did I say best friend? Excuse my slip of tongue.”

My eyes met hers. They flickered with that mischievous glint only seen when she truly know she had the upper hand; which was always when it came to Rose. She was always one step and one snide phrase ahead of the rest of the world. She knew something. And she knew I didn’t know what it was. She had flat out told me she knew what it was, and yet, she still wouldn’t educate me on the exact matter. It was bothering me. And just as she knew everything, Rose knew it was bothering me. So she played on it like she did everything else. She found my irritation amusing, and so continued to pull every string she could. Knowing every word that fell from her lips made me dislike her a little more in that moment, but also knowing it was true. It was all true. But I would never say that out loud to her. I wouldn’t even say it to myself. I was in denial at the time; and I was perfectly happy with that.

I could have held that silent stare with her for hours. As she held a light, cynical grin and me with my lips in their ever present line, I could have glared at her until I died. Or at least until she began talking again. I could still feel her eyes on me, but I didn’t care. I wouldn’t look back up now.

“But think,” My eyes averted hers as soon as she began, head lowering to continue eating. “You may not be his best friend, but is he yours?”

“No. He’s not my best friend.”

Rose didn’t seem convinced. She merely shook her head and continued to eat silently.

I hated the thought, but I couldn’t say I hadn’t thought about it the past few weeks. Who knows, maybe he was. I suppose it did fit. My feelings were sporadic though. Sometimes I thought he was too annoying to be around, but other times he made me want to laugh at the silly jokes he told and how stupid his actions were. Half of me wanted nothing to do with the dweeb, but then there was the other half; the half that wasn’t hidden behind a blank expression and a pair of dark shades. It wanted to laugh, joke, smile, but never did. I wasn’t even a half really. Just a small sliver of my being. It was a tiny voice telling me to get over myself and do whatever the hell I wanted. Let go of this insane necessity to be cool and to simply not care what anyone thought.

Too bad I never heard from that Dave. He never spoke up. He was too quiet, too small. So instead, I listened to egotistical, asshole Dave. Dave that told me to be silent and collected. Either way, John seemed to like my attitude no matter what.

Oh hey look at that. There he is again. Stupid John.

 _Apparently_ I couldn’t even analyze myself without him popping up out of nowhere. I guess that’s just what he does to people. Does it with that grin and those eyes that were just so-

“Dave!”

My muscles tensed and my eyes snapped up from the table to meet Jade’s. Her cheeks puffed out and her eyebrows creased, she pointed a finger at me. As soon as she knew I was listening, she smiled again and let her finger fall.

“You were zoning out and I wanted to ask you something.”

Relaxing, I sunk back into the chair. “And that is?”

“This weekend.”

“I’m going to need another hint.”

“I wasn’t done yet.” She chirped. “This weekend, are you busy? We’re going to have a picnic in the park, and we were wondering if you want to come.”

“I’m not especially busy, but why would I want to use my own extremely valuable time to endure a frilly picnic with you two?”

She sighed, eyes rolling and mumbling something. Rose sat silent, fingers tapping on the table before she eventually stopped and spoke up.

“It won’t just be us.” Pausing, she looked up to make sure my eyes were on her. “John promised to come.”

There she went again. Picking at something she knew would ruffle me. And once again, it worked. I did exactly what she wanted. I looked away and became defensive.

“All the more reason not to come.” I knew that was a lie. Rose knew that was a lie. But I couldn’t possibly be that obvious, could I?

Jade’s voice rose again, this time full of ridicule. “Dave, why do you dislike him so much?” I don’t. “You always talk like he’s some awful person.” I don’t mean it. “It’s not his fault you’re so impersonal and introverted.” I’m not really. “I mean, he’s been nothing but nice to us. Can you not be grumpy for even a day?” Apparently not. “My goodness, you need to pull that cool-kid stick out of your butt and stop being so isolated. Be pleasant for once!”

Both Rose and I were surprised. Our glances were at each other before quickly turning in sync to Jade. She was staring me down even harder than before. It led me to give a breathless sigh and shake my head.

“Fine. I’ll come to your imprudent picnic.”

Her face brightened, eyes no longer burning. “Yay! I knew that would convince you!”

Before I could even utter a sound, she jumped up and was skipping off, happily giggling to herself.

Dammit she was good.

“She got you there.” Rose hummed, a devious smile playing on her lips.

A hand was already rubbing my forehead before I exhaled through another deep sigh. “I’m aware.”

“She always can.”

“Only one besides you.”

“Are you sure about that?” She had that tone again. My mind told me not to ask, but my mouth was already moving.

“What do you mean?”

She stood, crumpling her trash up and bringing her books to her chest with one arm. “I think someone new has joined the group of people who can read straight through your unemotional façade like the thin pages of a book.”

My eyes narrowed. “And just who might that be?”

“I’m quite sure you already know.”

“I know nothing because what you’re implying is not true.”

That smile was still wiped across her face, eyes shining with derision and metaphor filled sneers. “Whatever you say, Dave. Whatever you say.”

For once, I bit my tongue to remain silent. She turned and walked away without hearing another unwanted word pour from my lips. Because you know what, damn her. Damn that smirk, those eyes and her words. And most of all, damn the truth behind those words.

 

Throughout the rest of the day, I had progressively been trying to block out any thoughts of this weekend. It was true, I tried to deny it, but I couldn’t seem to. When Rose mentioned John’s name my ears tuned in, and when she gave notion to his coming, the offer suddenly seemed all the more appealing. You couldn’t ask me why; truly I didn’t know either. Somehow, the thought of spending time with who I suppose I recently deemed as my best friend pleased me. And the fact that instantly after my mind, and mouth, switched to defense mode didn’t quite help my denial. Because of this, most of the time that I should have devoted to at least trying to pay attention was instead focusing on my self-interrogation as to why that boy wouldn’t leave my mind the hell alone. Questions of why he seemed to interest me more than anyone running rounds in my head.

Nothing improved once I was in gym. Trying to think about something, anything else. Picking any activity John wasn’t doing and always trying to join the opposite team. Why was I trying to avoid him? He hadn’t done anything. I didn’t need to elude him, but still I did. Though I chose not to count it so much as avoiding but simply neglecting confrontation. However, no matter what, he seemed to always catch my eye. He would look directly at me, grin, and continue playing.

Damn this kid.

I wanted to ignore him. Not notice how bright his eyes were, or how soft he smiled, or how ruffled and sweaty his hair looked or- or what? What was I even doing? How could I begin to think about things like that?

I’m a Strider. We are not affected by others. We have easily mastered the art of distracting ourselves from pertinent and petty things such as emotions. I wouldn’t think about him. I would focus on what was before me. I would get the hell out of school faster than my feet could carry me. Abscond, go home, distract myself, and be thankful tomorrow was Saturday. But unfortunately, my thoughts went a little something like this:

Saturday.

The day I go to the park.

The day of the picnic.

John is going to the park.

John will be at the picnic.

I am going to have a picnic with John.

Shit.

Instant regret of accepting the invitation to go. In my defense, at first I hadn’t agreed. I blame the threat of a pissed off Harley to be convincing enough.

Maybe it would be okay. Maybe I could do it without thinking anything weird. Everything would be fine. I could easily just ignore him. Not look at his smile. Yeah I would just not look at him. Pretend I was blind for a day. I could easily just say-

“Dave!”

My eyes widened, muscles jolting. Goddammit why did people keep doing that?! Did people not know how to calmly get someone’s attention? Eyes refocusing, I noticed I was outside. When did that happen? Backpack over one shoulder and the side walk under my feet. When did school end? Last thing I remembered I was in the gym failing to keep John from my thoughts, and now I was apparently on my way home. Weird.

“Dave!”

Oh yeah, the voice calling my name.

I turned around to find none other than the current bane my existence. First met with an unbelievable stare of blue followed by that grin topped off with those buck teeth. An audible exhale passed my chapped lips before my hand moved in a single wave. With that small gesture of hello, he bounded forward, running at me full force. Only stopping before we collided, I stepped back for my own safety and held out a hand to catch his shoulder as he halted. He steadied himself with a chuckle.

“Sorry, got a little ahead of myself.” His words came pouring more laughter out with every one.

Curse his laughter, for some reason it sounded too good.

“Yeah, you have to watch that... You know, gravity and shit.”

What. What was that. Aren’t I supposed to be the cool one?

He gave me an odd look at the comment, but he quickly broke right back into a smile. “Heh, yeah. Guess it’s not my friend today.”

“Today? Try always. You’re the clumsiest person I know. Though not much more to expect from a derpy kid like you.”

“I’m not derpy!” He piped loudly. “Plus, that’s not even a real word. Just something people have made up.”

“Whatever, _Egderp._ ”

His face fell flat, eyes thin and lips pursed. “Oh very creative, Dave.”

“I try my best.”

He stuck his tongue out, but I was already preoccupied with the realization of my hand still on his shoulder. I quickly moved and brought it to my mouth in a fist as I cleared my throat.

“So, did you need something?”

He blinked though he soon remembered and nodded furiously. “Yeah actually I did. Jade told me you’re coming with us tomorrow. I’m super glad you decided to! I’m sure it’ll be more fun now that I won’t be alone with them. Not that I don’t like them, they’re both great and all, but you know we haven’t gotten to spend much time together recently, and every things better with your _best bro_ , right?” He definitely added that last part to mock me. I could tell by the way he changed his voice and smirked at me.

I couldn’t help but offer my own smirk in return and nod a little. “You’ve got that right. Nobody beats your best bro.”

“Bros before hoes.” He giggled, knowing that phrase was silly and making fun of it even as he said it.

“Right.” I replied, trying my best not to crack a smile and laugh.

He opened his mouth to speak, but another voice stopped him.

“Hey John!”

He looked over his shoulder, and I gazed over the top of his head. A couple of guys were standing a few yards down the sidewalk, the one who had shouted offering a small wave. A sudden pang of annoyance hit me.

“We’re going to go get some ice cream. You in?”

John turned back to me, and with one look to my face, answered my question.

“Guys from track.” I only nodded, but he was already turned back their way. “Sure, hold on!” Giving me one final glance, he smiled. It was sincere but almost apologetic. “I’ll see you tomorrow Dave. Have a good night.”

“Yeah.” That’s all I said. Not waiting for his response, I turned and continued to walk. I didn’t need to wait to know he had already joined them. Just before we were out of each other’s earshot, I could hear his laugh. It made my feet falter. I stopped just to hear it. So distinct, I could pick it out of a crowd.

Something hit me just then. With that sound, something was different. Something flipped in my stomach and made me want to shiver. I had a bad feeling about it.

I had the sense this feeling was about to be the best and worst thing to ever happen to me.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning I was awoken earlier that I would have pleased by my phone lighting up and buzzing through an obnoxious vibration in my face. I really needed to stop laying it on my pillow at night. And after years of living with Bro, any sudden wake up didn't go over well. They usually consisted of me bolting up right and grabbing anything that could be used as a weapon.

This time in particular time it was my phone itself. I was up quick, one hand in a fist and the other clutching my phone. Once my head stopped spinning from the sudden blood rush, I blinked my eyes and registered the vibrations in my hand. A light sigh fell as did my arms, and I unlocked my phone. Pulling it to my face, I rubbed my eyes.

"Morning, David." Her voice was too pleasant. It was too early. I wanted to be asleep.

My hand moved back to my lap, legs crossing and eyes quickly narrowing. "Rose. Why in hell are you waking me up?"

"I need for you to pick something up on your way to the park."

My back flopped back into the covers, head meeting the pillow. I straitened my legs back out before finally replying.

"And why can't you get it?"

"I am already bringing something. You need to as well."

I groaned in response, but she was already on top of me.

"No- you agreed to come. You must meet the expectations"

"Expectations of whom? The Pope?"

"Yes. It is in the eyes of the Pope that you must fulfill the obligation of bringing food to a picnic."

"Well, I guess I can't go against the Pope." I sighed, blowing a few stray strands of hair from my face. "I'll find something to bring."

"Good boy. I’ll see you later."

My hand fell from my face, the back of it hitting the pillow and taking my phone with it. I took a few more minutes to lay in the sunny silence before finally pulling myself from the comfort of my bed. Shades in place on my face, bare feet hit the carpet and moved across my room. My hand snapped the waistband of my boxers until I finally raised it to scratch my head. Pulling on a pair of old, dark jeans and a new t-shirt, I wandered down the hall and eventually into the kitchen. I had to shove aside the copious amounts of irritating puppet paraphernalia and the occasional strategically place sword here and there. I’m lucky I haven’t been killed by the things yet. Eventually, I had managed to obtain a glass of prized apple juice from the fridge in one hand and a poptart in the other. With one hop, I was on the counter and rather contently munching away at my completely satisfying, sugar loaded breakfast; frosting, sprinkles, and all. Once there were no remains of it or the juice in the glass, I sprung back down only to step towards the door and slide my shoes on. I grabbed a few bucks from a bowl of assorted things like keys, change, and such. Bro and I had an agreement. He would leave extra cash in the bowl as long as I only spent it when needed. I couldn’t really complain with this arrangement. There was always at least a little money to do with what I wanted. And with that thought, I found myself in front of Bro’s door with my fist knocking once.

“Bro, I’m going out today.”

No reply. I sighed, knocking once more. Again, I got no reply in return. Losing patience and wasting time, I opened his door. Met with a grumble and four feet poking out from the covers, I couldn’t help but mentally sneer.

“Why doesn’t he just live here already?”

A grunt was the only reply before a hand rose and waved me away.

“Right. Okay. Like I said; I’m going out.”

Another grunt as the hand once again disappeared.

“Yeah, bye.”

I almost let a sigh slip as I shut the door but for the most part kept it in.

With all that done, my next mission was to decide what the hell I was going to bring to this tooty-fruity little picnic. This was to be figured out as I made my way down the sidewalk to the nearest store. It wasn’t too far, a few streets down. It was about a thirty minute walk there and then another ten to the park. I pulled my phone out, checking the time. I had enough to make it. We were supposed to meet at eleven and it was just now bordering on ten.

There weren’t many people out yet which meant the store wasn’t crowded, and I got in and out rather quickly. I stepped from the sliding door with a bag of Cheetos under my arm. They’d have to do for whatever social protocol Rose had spoken of. Time to head to the park.

It was a leisurely walk there, and once I got to the edge of the parking lot, I simply glanced across the street. First to my left, then my right, and finally I hurried across the asphalt. There were people chattering away either to each other or a few on their phones. My walking slowed to a slight stroll as I continued down the tree lined street. One side harbored shops and small restaurants while the other was ornamented with houses of various size and color. Some had survived longer than others and thus they were smaller, but some were big enough to fit two or three of the others. I shifted the bag between arms as my eyes aimlessly wandered about town. Dodging the occasional runner and parents with their strollers, I continued the rest of my walk in silence.

It was right about eleven when I eventually entered the park’s open, iron gates. Rose had told me earlier they would be near the center over by the pond, so I followed the nice little path that curved and bent with the small stream butting through the park. As usual, I was right on time but still the last one there for when I topped one of the small hills a few minutes later, I spotted a small blanket with three others sitting on it and unpacking bags and baskets of food onto the decorated surface. With one glance up, John’s eyes locked onto me. His hand shot up in a big wave followed by a much more modest one from Rose and Jade hopping to her feet. She pranced over, grabbing my wrist with an exclaimed ‘hello’. I was dragged back over to the blanket, feet stumbling to catch up until I was pushed into a sitting position beside Rose.

She was already nibbling away at her food by my side while the other two sat across from us. John set his glance on me with the brightest grin-

No, dammit stomach stop. He’s only looking at you. There are no reasons for the fucking acrobatics you are doing right now.

“How was your morning Dave?”

His voice caught me off guard. It’s not like I was looking directly at him or anything. I cleared my throat maybe a little too awkward before giving a halfhearted shrug and picking my way through some of the food lain out before us. Sandwiches, some sort of pasta thing that looked none to appetizing, fruit, and some cookies. Resisting the urge to pass a disgruntled glance over the array of food, I opened the bag of Cheetos still placed securely under my arm.

“Amazing. You will never be able to understand the enchanted times I’ve had riding fucking dragons over fields of cash and candy lined rivers of gold. Leprechauns jumping in the back ground mounting unicorns over rainbows and hot chicks swooning over my dragon taming powers.” Popping a cheeto in my mouth, I looked back up to find his extremely un-amused expression staring right back at me.

“You weren’t even awake before Rose called you, were you?”

“Nope.”  I replied coolly, and somehow this caused him to grin again.

Shaking his head he picked up one of the sandwiches and took a bite. While I was completely not mindlessly eating and watching him sit and talk to Jade, I was also definitely not fighting back a smile. No, that wasn’t something that was happening. Oh, but then Jade was saying something that made John’s side split. And I couldn’t hear just what she said, but that didn’t really matter because now everything was silent except that laugh. Lips pulled back into a grin, all his teeth showed as he held his side from the mirth. Laughter flooded out with a couple unintentional snorts. His face was scrunched, the sun already beginning to leave his skin a little pink. A hand was brought up, curled into a fist and only trying to hide his mouth. But it couldn’t, the grin was just too wide. The squints that were his eyes tried to stay open; let their color pour out. Drown the day in blue and meet the sky to blend and become one. The spring breezes blowing and curling their longs fingers through his black and messy hair. It sounded sweet, transfixing all of my attention. I couldn’t tune back into to the world, I couldn’t pull my eyes away, and I couldn’t keep myself from smiling just slightly. Barely an upturn of my lip’s corners, but I still knew exactly what was happening.

I knew then I was letting it get to me. That thing I was trying to ignore; that awkward and not at all wanted feeling in my stomach. The way I felt whenever I was in a situation like this. All my senses locked onto John and for some reason I could never pull them away. All those times Rose told me what I already knew. The jealousy I may or may not have been ashamedly feeling recently. Or some vague reference to that over looming thing ‘I would soon find out’. It made me want to look away. Stop smiling at this dork. Stop feeling what I was. I didn’t even know what exactly I was feeling, but I knew it wasn’t good. It was making me anxious and all together nervous almost. Striders don’t get nervous. They don’t feel insecure and uncomfortable in all the best ways. They are cool, collected, and smooth.

Every one of these thoughts was racing through my head. Zooming by and replaying; repeating. But meanwhile, there was a tap to my crossed leg. I turned my head only to find Rose’s eyes on me. She was smirking, damn that look.

As inconspicuous as she could, she leaned over and whispered in my ear. “Watch it, Dave.”

Then she was pulling back, leaving me confused. Watch it? Watch what-

Suddenly, I noticed the booming laughter had stopped. All three pairs of eyes were on me. I scanned back to John and Jade. They were sitting grins plastered on both their faces before Jade let out a giggle.

“Dave, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this before.”

“What?” I asked, still unsure why this whole situation was even happening.

“You, smiling.”

Shit.

My eyes immediately fell, defensive wall coming up, and my lips falling back into their thin line.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Harley.”

“No, it was totally there!”

“Nope.”

She got to her knees, inching closer. “Dave, are you-” Another giggle. “Blushing? Have I embarrassed you?”

“No.” I muttered quickly. Dammit, how had I gotten in this position? This was so not cool.

“Is it even possible for a Strider to get embarrassed?” John teased, holding back his laughter.

“Fuck all of you.”

She just came even closer, placing a hand on my shoulder and craning her neck to see my face.

I shrugged her hand away, pushing her back with my palm on her forehead.

“Back up off me.”

She sat back, but picked up the bag of bread Rose had brought and tossed it directly at me. I could have dodged it if I wasn’t so close, but by the time I was moving it was already on me. It smacked me in the face, falling into my lap. There was hushed giggling from everyone other than me as I reached up to straighten my glasses.

“Watch the shades bro.” I said, keeping most of the annoyance I felt in my throat. “Can’t have these getting broken.”

Jade stopped her laughter for a moment before staring at me curiously. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without those on your face.”

“Cause they’re cool.”

“Hmm. Where’d you get them?” She asked after sitting back a bit more.

“They’re a gift.”

“From Bro?”

I shook my head with a light smirk. “Hell no. Bro has awful taste in eye wear.” I raised a finger, tapping the edge of one of the lenses. “These babies were given to me by an old pal of mine.”

“Oh.” The answer apparently satisfied her enough for she soon returned to eating without another word about it.

However, there were a new set of eyes on me for a passing moment. I glanced over to meet John’s gaze with downward brows and a puzzled, almost frustrated expression. When he actually looked at my eyes, he quickly smiled and continued chowing down on his sandwich. I shrugged the occurrence off. Not like it probably meant anything.

After finishing up out lunch, we threw away the trash and packed up the rest in a basket Rose was carrying. Then we set off, letting the two dorks of our small group lead the way.

 

We had been walking and running around for a few hours after that, playing the occasional game but spending most of it just talking and exploring the park. By the time it was late afternoon, we had slowed to a mere stroll down one of the paths. There were a lot of trees in this part, providing adequate shade from the increasing warmth of the sun. I was chatting idly with Rose while John and Jade had scurried off to chase something down and then proceed to play a two person, failed game of tag. However our leisurely walk was soon stopped by John.

“Oh!” His sudden shout made me turn my head. He was pointing at something in the distance with a bright smile. “Is that a hammock?”

We all turned our gazes to follow his point, but he didn’t need an answer. His head whipped back, hands rising and grabbing Jade by the shoulders.

“Jade, come swing with me.”

“Why should I?” She quipped back, hands going to her hips. “Do you know how hard it is to get in and out of those things? Let alone two people.”

“Come on Jade.” He drawled through a whine. “I want to swing in it. Humor me.”

Rose sighed, shaking her head. “Don’t act like a child, John.”

He merely shooshed her before turning his attention directly back at Jade. “You know you want to.”

He arms then crossed, head tilting up and eyes closing. “I know I don’t.”

“Fine.” He mumbled and turned to Rose, opening his mouth.

“No.” She said even before the words fell from his mouth.

“Ro-”

“No, John. I do not want to.”

He frowned at her, but not even that swayed the blonde’s decision. Then his eyes were on me. Oh shit- they were so wide. No no no no no, he could not give me that look. I could practically feel the Strider wall melting with just that glance. He was doing this on purpose. He was wining me over with a slightly quivering chin and way too big eyes. I couldn’t take this. Oh god I wanted to hug him, right here in front of goddamn everyone. A small sigh escaped my lips, head falling forward ever so slightly before shaking.

“Fine. I’ll sit in the fucking hammock with you. Don’t cry like a little girl.”

His face brightened immediately, grin plastering itself right back into place. I knew I had been defeated with that one look. He was probably mentally saving that skill for later.

“You’re too kind, Dave.” He cooed out with all the sarcasm he could put into that one statement before he grabbed my risk and practically drug me over to it.

Hung up by two chains ties around a couple trees, it was swaying calmly in the breeze. Much to my discontent, he dropped my wrist- no, why would I want him to hold onto me any longer? Now, watching him trying to wrangle this thing was definitely one of the funnier things I’ve ever seen. I stood back as he hiked one leg up and on the fabric, trying to pull himself up. It took him about five tries, the first four of which ending in his ass on the ground. But eventually, he managed to pull himself up and keep his balance long enough to lay down. Gripping the sides of it until it stopped swinging, he had wide eyes until it finally slowed and he retracted his arms to his sides. With the turn of his head, he grinned at me and waved a beckoning hand.

“Come on Dave.”

“You sure I can fit bro? Looks like you’ve pretty much got it covered.”

“No doubt you can fit! Here-” He began fidgeting, slowly squirming over to make a tiny bit more room. “Just climb on.” His eyes narrowed, obviously trying to seem intimidating. “You better not turn me over Strider.”

“Oh and just when I thought I’d finally slip one up on the prank master.”

He laughed now and I may or may not have thought I could listen to it all day.

“Just get on here.”

Not like I could have denied the invitation. Carefully, I put one leg up and held my weight on my arm extended behind me. Once I got enough balance there, I quickly pulled the other leg up and laid down to keep the balance. I was rolled in a little bit, but after some shifting we were both lying flat on our backs. The sun was breaking through the leaves of the trees and dancing across our faces. It made me squint behind my shades while John's arm rose to cover his face. My muscles were tense, all of my nerves running on edge. And I didn't know why. This isn't something I usually felt. It was that almost nervous feeling again, anxiously quivering in my stomach. He was so close. My arms were idly lying over my stomach so his hip easily brushed my side and his shoe kept bumping against mine. And every time, a shiver ran down my back. My face was hot- the sun. The sun was making my face hot. Definitely. There was no other logical explanation. So I let it fall to the side. Maybe the shade would cool it down. Man was I wrong. If I ever was the one to blush, this would be one of those times. My eyes met his face. It was just inches from mine. The softest smile I'd ever seen brushed across his lips. Eyes closed and his arm now resting on his forehead. My fingers twitched. I had the sudden over bearing urge to reach up and brush the few stray strands from the side of his face.

No. What the hell was I thinking? This is John we're talking about. My best friend. A guy.

John is a guy.

These are not the thoughts you have about your best friend, let alone a _guy_.

I needed to move. The heat in my cheeks wasn't going anywhere, but I couldn't lie here any longer.

But just as I was about to move, every muscle was frozen by those sky colored eyes fluttering open and looking at me. Once again I was glad for my shades, they were hiding how wide my eyes were right now. I managed to keep a straight face, other than my brows perching a tad too high.

“Sup, Egbert?” I said, but dammit even my voice was weaker and threatening to crack.

"I'm really glad you came Dave." The words came so easy to him.

Did he just say that? Is my increasingly naive mind playing tricks on me?

Oh shit, there's that smile. It's too soft. No- I can't blush from a simple smile and a few words. What am I? A little school girl being hit on by the big football player? No, I'm a Strider. And this is no football player. This is a geeky little freshman with a bad dental problem.

Oh right, I should say something instead of just staring at his adora- I mean, completely not endearing and rather stupid face.

"Damn his stupid face." I whispered through a mumble though I had no intention of letting it slip out.

"What?"

My eyes flicked back up from their previously downward position. "I asked you why’s that.”

He seemed to not believe me for a second, but then pushed past his doubt as quick as he always did. “Well you know with school and track; I know we haven’t gotten to hang out that much. I sort of miss it. I forget how much fun you guys are sometimes.”

“Gee, thanks Egbert.”

His hand smacked my arm before moving back with a small chuckle. “You know what I mean.” He turned his head back to stare up into the trees above with a sigh. “This has been nice is all.”

I looked back up as well, taking it better than just staring at his face. “Yeah. I guess it has been.” The admission came quietly and almost reluctantly, but my eyes flicked to the side just enough to see a smile crawl back across his face.

We stayed silent after that. Listening to the sounds around us and feeling the cool breeze of spring’s beginning. I had laced my fingers over my chest and crossed my legs at the ankles as his arms returned to his sides. Who knows how long we laid there before I broke the comfortable silence.

“Hey Egbert,” I began, waiting for a reply but getting none.

I turned my head, about to speak again when I found his head on my shoulder. Eyes closed with long lashes curving out and lips parted slightly as he breathed. He looked so peaceful, I couldn’t bring myself to risk speaking again and waking him. Just as before, I had the same thought, but unfortunately, I didn’t restrain myself. I indulged in my impulses as my hand released itself from the other and rose very slowly. Hesitation filled my movements, but then I made it and my fingers were lightly brushing his bangs from his face. But then my rational mind kicked back in. I yanked my hand away and shoved it under my back to keep from moving it again.

What the hell was I doing?

I turned my head away almost immediately after. It was too much to just lay here with him napping beside me. Once my head turned the other direction, I found that I was being stared down from not too far off. I wasn’t exactly sure what Rose and Jade had been doing all this time, but currently Jade was going on and on about something, arms flailing in the air while Rose’s eyes were locked on me from over one of Jade’s shoulders. Her brows were raised over skeptical eyes. I could feel myself shrinking under her gaze, but I simply left my face impassive as I waved her off with my able hand before staring straight up. Just as another breeze rolled by, I took a deep breath filled with the sweet smell of the fresh air and flowers spread across the park. As another moment passed, there was a stirring at my side. Against my better judgment, I turned my head again. Those dare I say, butterfly lashes flickered open to make me lose myself in a world of blue. He smiled softly and filled with sleep. I couldn’t help myself this time. The thought passed through my mind so fast, I couldn’t even stop it.

He was adorable.

And frankly, oddly though, I didn’t regret thinking it.

He was soon rubbing an eye before yawning. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

I shrugged nonchalantly, replying almost impassively. “It’s cool. Couldn’t exactly stop you.”

He laughed lightly, shifting a little bit away from his previously- almost snuggled position against me. “Where are Jade and Rose?”

“They’re over there. Harley’s ranting about something or telling a story most likely. Either that, or she’s being chased by a bee given how much she’s swinging her arms around.”

“Oh man, we should help her out.” He joked, breaking through another laugh.

“Nah, she can handle it.”

“Come on.” He said, moving a little more. “We should still get up.”

I nodded as much as I could lying down before moving with him. Bad idea. Both of us trying to get off at the same led to a loss of balance on our both parts. The weight was uneven and began dipping. Soon enough, we were trying to keep it from tipping. I was leaning back while he was bent forward. Before we could get it settled, John slid off which cause me to follow right after him, falling off head first and it flipped. This sent both our asses to the grass as it swayed above us. We sat there in silence for a moment, but he quickly threw his head back in laughter. Surprising even myself, I was quick to join him. Usually unheard laughter bubbling from my throat. Our laughter was loud and shortly had attracted the girl’s attention. They walked over to us, looking down Jade with a grin, and Rose with no more than a slightly wider smirk.

“That was oh so graceful you two.” Rose commented, one hand covering her mouth as she let a soft chuckle escape.

Jade was giggling to herself as she nodded and offered out her hands. We each took one and hoisted ourselves up.

“We were just saying that it’s probably about time we head home.” Jade turned around, beginning to march off as we followed. “It’s getting late and apparently some of us are tired.” She joked once sending a wink back to John.

He waved a flippant hand at her. “Excuse me, but hammocks are comfy.”

“Obviously.” The retort was quick. She turned back around, walking backwards. “But either way, yeah, my mom’s on her way to pick me and John up.”

“You’re taking me home?” He asked, apparently not knowing.

“Yeah.” A nod. “Your dad asked us to.”

And just like that, by the time we had trekked back to the front gate, Jade’s mom was waiting in old, silver minivan with her dog’s heading barking out the side window.

I despised that dog. Way too much slobber. It had some infatuation with me and went ballistic if I even dared make eye contact.

“I guess we’ll see you Monday.” Jade said as she opened the door to the van and started to climb in.

John nodded and smiled with wave. “Bye Rose. Bye Dave.”

We both waved goodbye in return just in time before the door was closed and they were driving off. I faced Rose, nodding my head.

“See ya later Rose.” I turned in the direction of my apartment, not expecting a hand to be lain on my shoulder with enough force to pull me back.

“Dave, wait.”

I turned around after she hand given a small pull but brushed her hand away. “Sup?” I replied flatly. I could already sense the onset of a conversation I would want no part of.

“I meant it earlier.”

A brow perched as I pocketed my hands. “What did you mean earlier?”

Her lips were pulled into a thin line as she took a step back and clasped her hands in front of her. “Watch yourself. I don’t exactly know what’s going on in that head of yours, but just be careful.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about-”

“John.” She stated shortly before I could finish speaking.

My jaw clenched, but I merely feigned an indifferent shrug. “What about him?”

“You know exactly what. Whatever you’re feeling, whether you claim it to be ironic or not, quit it.”

It was odd for Rose to be this short, but she certainly meant whatever she was saying. Too bad I couldn’t stop something I couldn’t identify. I would have gladly stopped the flipping and churning in my stomach. The way I couldn’t pull my eyes away from him. Trust me; I didn’t want anything else at this point.

But I couldn’t simply take the easy route and tell her this. No, I would have to throw out some slew of metaphors and riddle lined sentences to where it became so hard to decipher what I was saying she would simply give up. Anticipating this, as soon as I opened my mouth her hand flew up and she shook he head.

“No. You may think you are so hidden and have every one of your emotions in check, but you seem to forget I can see every emotion that runs across your impassive face. And not even that; you’re emotions are quite easy to read no matter. You should consider yourself lucky Jade and John are as oblivious as they are.” Her finger flicked up, pointing right at my face. “Those may hide your eyes, but that’s not the only thing that is a tell all. So I caution you again; watch yourself. John isn’t someone you can screw over like so many others I’ve watched. I know exactly what will happen-”

“Oh, and what is that exactly?” I bit back, interjecting myself in her rambling of words with a much more irritated tone than I wanted.

“You’ll freak out. You’ll think you’re getting too close; too personable, so you’ll cut him out. Drop all contact and leave him behind because you’re too afraid to let anyone in your emotionless, Strider fortress of irony and quip comebacks.”

“Rose-”

“And then you’ll mope around like no one wants to be your friend even when it’s your entire fault. I am serious. Sometimes it surprises even me how predictable you are.”

“Rose.” My voice was louder this time. Louder and lower. She stopped then, raising an amused brow and waiting for me to continue. “Stop.” Before she could start up again, I turned on my heels. But as I started to walk away, I spoke again. “It’s different this time.” Then my feet began to move again. But before I made it very far a small whisper made it past my ears.

“That’s why you need to be cautious.” But I didn’t stop. I just kept walking down the sidewalk back home where maybe I could forget about everything that happened today.

Who am I kidding?

I knew what ever this was; it was going to drive me insane. But somehow I couldn’t help but like it just a little. At first I started hating the way my eyes would linger and how my throat would catch. This morning I had woken up completely sure I was going to dread feeling that churning in my gut. But the more I felt it, the more it grew on me. The more I couldn’t help but want to see this dorky boy laugh and grin like he would never be able to do it again. For a few spare moments I would wonder if maybe I could make him laugh like that more often.

That was when my mind really veered from its normal path; when I started hating my thoughts. It was when I knew I shouldn’t be thinking these things that made me freak just a little. Completely on the inside, of course, but still, it wasn’t right. People wouldn’t accept it as being normal. Could I? Should I really be wondering things about my best bro? Weren’t these girly ass feelings supposed to be reserved for pretty maidens and damsels that would swoon over my always evident Strider charm? Not geeky, buck-toothed dorks that couldn’t laugh without snorting. No, that was definitely not someone a Strider should fawn over. But the more I thought about it, the less shit I could give. It was instead replaced by images that threatened to make me smile. Thoughts that made my insides wiggle and bring an unexplainable happiness.

Damn these fucked up emotions.

Could I really have a crush on my best friend?


	5. Chapter 5

We sat silently; Bro and me.

A morning like many others. His mind was set on t.v; some shitty show playing while I sat staring forward but not registering anything past the wall of my thoughts. It was only the morning after the picnic. I hadn’t given much thought to the questions I asked myself only a small time earlier, but I had given them enough to know they weren’t going anywhere. It may or may not have been a rather sleepless night as I laid there debating whether these thoughts were just something I was experiencing because I hadn’t had a good friend in or while, or if there was actually something- more. When I couldn’t think of anything other than John and his ridiculous-not cute- smile, I forced myself to go to sleep. I awoke the next morning with the same feeling in my gut and fluttering in my chest when my thoughts almost instantly strayed to the stupid kid. Sure, it might be considered quick to accept something so fast, but it wasn’t like I was running around screaming and exploiting my own feelings to everyone around me. I was keeping them in my head; and that is where they would stay.

So I thought.

That was plan up until the time a commercial came and the words seemed to leap from my mouth.

“Hey Bro,” I started, but stopped just after. I could feel his eyes on my in an instant which only silenced me more.

“You need something?” He asked after I didn’t respond.

I remained silent, jaw clenching only slightly. I had suddenly come to regret my decision to start this conversation, so now I sat like a mute idiot only wishing to suck the words right back in and continue the silence.

“Dave?”

“When did you know?” My voice was short and clipped. Didn’t exactly mean to come out so straightforward, but was there really any other way? This feeling in my gut making me anxious to hurry up and finish this.

“Know what?”

I fell silent yet again. More awkward points for me. The next words were in my head, but I couldn’t push them from my tongue.

“You know-”

“Afraid I don’t.” He interjected.

“And I’m afraid I wasn’t finished yet, dickwad.” I retorted, sharper words spitting from my mouth.

His hand rose defensively as he shook his head. “My my, I’m sorry milady. You can just continue once you get your panties out of their wad in your ass.”

I pulled my lips into an even thinner line before opening my mouth. He simply continued on.

“But you know, I don’t think you ever will. Sometimes I am led to believe you live constantly with a stick up your ass. At least I have a little vibrato when I talk, but no- not Dave. Dave is Mr. Cool. Definitely cooler than his bro. Oh man he’s so fucking fantastic I aspire to be just like him when I grow up. People ask me- Dirk, what are you planning to do with your life. And you know what I say? I look them straight in the eyes and tell them ‘I want to be just like my little bro Dave. He’s a badass and-”

My head whipped to the side, eye brows knitted and voice coming out a little stronger, more rushed, impatient, and direct than I had pleased. “Will you please shut your fucking mouth for five seconds so I can get a single word out and ask you why you’re such a raging homo?”

Again, his hands went up, but soon fell again as his face scrunched in confusion. “I can’t tell if that’s the question or another insult.”

“Both.” My response was immediate, narrowed eyes not leaving his face.

“Well,” He began, sitting back against the couch. “To the latter- a fuck you. And as for the question…” He paused to think before shrugging. “Shit man, I don’t really know.” Another break, hand reaching up and rubbing against the faint, blonde stubble on his chin. “Guess I was about your age.”

“You were really my age when you decided to start fawning over the man meat?”

“Not really something you _decide_ to do, but- yeah. Maybe a year or two older.” He then turned, eyes cutting straight through me. “Why do you ask?”

I didn’t exactly want to tell him how I may or may not have developed very small but still rather pertinent feelings towards a certain best friend of mine, and of course I knew I couldn’t lie, but I tried at least.

“No reason.” My head moved to stare forward again. Wasn’t that the wrong move.

He leaned forward, one arm bent, supporting his weight on his knees. “Does my brother have a homo crush?” He tipped his head down, letting his shades slide to the tip of his nose and exposing the light waggle of his brows.

My muscles tensed, but I tried to keep them from being to noticeably tight as I gritted my teeth and breathed through an uneven sigh. “That’s a negative ghost rider.”

“I think you do.” He was practically cooing now. I had never wanted to punch him so much. “What’s their name? Huh?”

“No one.”

He scoffed at this but it quickly fell straight into a light chuckle. “Come on, who has attracted your eye little man. Your big bro won’t tell anyone-”

My voice was rough again, but my appendages moved without consent. I was standing in a matter of seconds. Here goes defensive Dave again. Just like me to get bothered by a little prodding and teasing enough to lose my composure. Especially when it came to my jackass of a brother. “Drop it. I was only asking because I never knew not because I resemble any other ridiculous similarities to you. You keep your unreasonable homo ideas to yourself. I will not have you strategically, and I bet you would say ironically, implanting them in my brain.” With that, my feet were moving. I pulled them back from the wanted stomp to a simple, determined stride as I headed off to my bedroom.

Once inside, I shut the door; managing my best not to slam it before back up against it and letting out a long and somewhat defeated sigh.

_Well shit. That just went perfectly. Good job Dave._

My phone was buzzing repeatedly on my bed, so I pushed from the wood and crossed the small amount of floor till flopping to a sit in the large mound of covers. I brought one leg up and under the other that still hung over the side.

EB: dave.

EB: dave.

EB: hey, dave.

EB: dave.

I stared at the screen for a moment, one brow raised at the messages from none other than John.

TG: whats got you in a tizzy

EB: i’m bored.

TG: congratulations

EB: no, dave. help. i’m really bored.

TG: what am i supposed to do

EB: i don’t know. what are you up to?

TG: nothing

EB: exactly.

EB: you’re bored too.

TG: never said that

EB: well, aren’t you?

TG: more or less

EB: well there, so you should come over.

TG: whats there to do at the egbert residence

EB: absolutely nothing, but it beats sitting around our houses alone.

TG: i guess

TG: sure i’ll be there in a little while

TG: dont die from excitement

EB: leave your sarcastic irony at home.

TG: no can do princess

EB: whatever, i’ll see you soon dave.

 

I didn’t bother replying before I was up and sliding my sweats and shirt off. I slung my phone back into the covers. Padding on bare feet and in my boxers alone, I made my way into the bathroom. I shed the last bit of clothing just as the water now running in the shower reached an acceptable temperature. I stepped in, one foot at a time. With a sharp hiss at the heat of the water, I quickly got used to it, and it soon felt comfortable. Soapy hands were in my hair, scrubbing away as a hum began to escape my lips. A tune flowing out quietly because I wouldn’t dare sing. Even if I did enjoy the act, I would never do it around other people or in the house.

‘Singing in the shower is for pansy asses.’

That’s what I was always told, and so I didn’t do it just in case. Instead, I hummed. Random tunes, songs I’d heard, or things I would make up on my own. Never the raps that Bro and I threw down, but actually notes that fit well. I truly did like music even if I never did anything about it other than mess around with a few cheap programs on my laptop sometimes and sneaking in a session with some turn tables Bro had lying around the apartment. Not that it really mattered anyway. Bro would always be the one who had the music skills.

I could only envy him and aspire to be half that good like I did with every other talent he had and I yearned for. At least this was always the thought that swam through my mind when I even acknowledged anything he did.

Hair now slicked back from the water, I found myself having a stare down with red eyes’ piercing glare aimed directly back at me through the mirror. My hair was light, not even the water made it darker.  Skin pale with an extremely unwanted amount of freckles the dusted across my cheek and nose. I wiped away a few drops of water streaming down my face before running it over my hair again. With a towel around my waist, I slid my shades on and held the towel with one hand using the other to open the door, flick off the light, and cross back into my room. Soon enough, I had a fresh pair of boxers and jeans on and a red t-shirt being pulled over my head. I tugged it down before pulling on my shoes and moving the towel that was previously around my waist to my hair. I was ruffling it dry when I returned to the bathroom. Once the towel was hung on its hook behind the door, I continued to fiddle with my hair as I walked back into the main room. Bro was in his exact same spot on the couch, eyes glued to the t.v. When I entered, his head rose to mine.

“Where ya goin little man?”

"I'm hangin with John today." I replied, pocketing my hands.

His brow rose, a smirk already plastered on his face. "John, you're _guy_ friend?"

An immediate sigh. I was rubbing my eyes before he was even through with the sentence.

"Bro, no. Just stop."

"I'm right though. John is a guy, isn't he?"

"Yes, but it's not what you think."

"Oh?" He paused, crossing one leg over the other and leaning forward. "And tell me Dave, what am I thinking?"

"You know." Damn it, my voice was becoming dangerously close to shouting or even just growling.

He shifted right back, waving a flippant hand. "Yeah yeah, I gotcha. John isn't your little homo crush. Alright. Don't break any shit or get arrested."

I raised my hand to my forehead and gave him a salute. "Will do responsible guardian."

He gave one in return before I made my way out the door.

It was a little early, and so the air was still chilled. Even if it was the middle of spring, the mornings and evenings still held a little nip. My hand had returned to my pocket, only my thumbs sticking out. It wasn't too long of a walk from here. We had recently realized this fact one day it was raining and he had convinced me to ride the bus with him.

Not like I could say no to John.

And so, we discovered that I infact only live about fifteen minutes walking. Thankfully, this short walk gave me time to push the anger tumbling in my gut to dissipate. I really hated how Bro was always right. Even when he was just teasing me and trying to get under my skin he was right. But there was no way in he'll that I would tell him about my tiny crush on John. Because that's all it was; a tiny crush. It was little, I wasn't going to act on it, and it was going to go away. Crushes always pass with a little time. And after that we'd be best bros again- we still were best bros. But later it would be without me having the undying urge to pull him into a very unbro-like embrace every time the kid even just fucking smiled at me. And without these urges, it could no longer be called a crush and my life would return to its monotonous norm. But until then, I would simply ignore the fact that said enamored thoughts even existed. Continue on like nothing was wrong and disregard any feeling that may squirm its way through me.

Of course, all those thoughts were wiped completely away when I was standing and staring at the front door of his house. I shook my head with a deep breath. There was no reason to feel nervous. That’s not even what this was; the chilly air was making me anxious, not what was waiting behind the door. My fist rose, rasping through a few knocks on the door before returning to my pocket. After a few seconds of passing silence, footsteps noticeably heavier than John’s were tapping their way to the door. They seemed to skip a few times as if someone was dancing. In another second it was opening. My eyes were met with a black tie until my head tilted back to meet this persons face. This man, who I could only guess was John’s father, was looking down at me until breaking into a smile.

“Ah, Dave. Yes, welcome. Come on in.” He stepped aside, leaving the door way open.

John must have told him of my coming already, otherwise how else would he have known my name?

Either way, I stepped in with an expected thank you before looking around. The house was large, especially in comparison to the shitty apartment I had to survive in. Two stories high, at least three bedrooms from what it looked like on the outside. This was a nice neighborhood so most of the houses looked like this. Rose lived close too, so the layout wasn’t too different from hers.

“If you wouldn’t mind removing your shoes- and John’s up in his room. You two just let me know if you need anything.” Without the smile leaving his face, he gave me a nod and turned back to disappear from whatever room he came.

I returned my own before looking to the floor. I was standing on a small wooden area that didn’t extend very far before being transitioning into carpet. To my left was a small coat rack with shoes beneath it. I took off my own, placing them respectfully beside a pair of flipflops and stood back up straight. The rest of the house from what I could see was a small living room that connected to the dining room and kitchen only to be separated by a counter and small half-wall. A hall from through which his dad had exited led off from the living room behind the staircase. And said staircase was to my right. It went back into the house while a door was at its base where I could see another set of stairs, most likely to a bonus room of sorts. I walked up the stairs facing forward until reaching the top. The carpet led both directs, a railing allowing you to look over the first floor living room. Just as I had suspected, there were two bed rooms and a bath up here along with another door. After required snooping, I discovered this other door led into a small closet. It just wouldn’t be right to not figure out what every room was.

With that done, I followed the sound of a t.v. coming from the room to the left. The door was cracked but not completely open, so being how unbelievably polite I am, I knocked lightly before hearing the padding of bare feet against the carpet. The door opened all the way just as blue eyes set on my face. John instantly grinned, and my god if he wasn’t his father’s child I didn’t know who this kid belonged to.

“Hey, Dave!” He chirped, stepping forward and throwing his arms around my back.

And god fucking dammit there was already that feeling again. Calm the fuck down stomach.

The hug locked my arms to my sides, but I couldn’t really oppose that because otherwise they would have been forced to hover awkwardly and not know what to do.

“Sup Egbert?” I replied, trying to keep It solid once he backed up and let his arms fall back to his sides.

He spun back around, returning into his room. “Not much. That’s why you’re here, remember?” He turned back around and plopped to the floor in front of his bed with his usual grin, waving for me to enter.

I complied, taking the few steps to meet him before following him to a sitting position on the floor. “So what are we doing?”

He peered around his room before letting his eyes fall back on me. “How about some video games?”

I gave a quick shrug of indifference to which he took as a yes and crawled on his hands and knees to a small cabinet by his t.v. that set directly across from his bed.

“What game are we-” Before I could finish, he was slapping a plastic box in my lap with an even goofier grin than usual.

Goofier and even cuter- nope. Not going to think that.

I clamped my eyes shut before opening them back to shove the thoughts aside and bring my hands up to examine the box. With a quick snort, my head rose back.

“Mario Kart. Really?”

His expression became almost offended as he pulled back a little. “Hell yeah, dude. Mario Kart is the shit.”

“Whatever,” I flung the box back at him before flicking my wrist. “Just put it in.”

A light laugh trickled out as he pried the box open happily and removed the disk. Moving to a position where he was laying on his stomach, he pushed a button to open and slide the pop the disk. Once the familiar whirling and buzzing of the disk spinning, he clambered back to his previous position at my side. He tossed a controller in my lap, twisting himself into a settled position. Soon the game had started up and we picked out characters. John chose Mario, and somehow I was expecting his generic predictability. I on the other hand selected Bowser because, come on, whose more badass than Bowser?

“Now I have to warn you,” He began, raising his head high. “I’m pretty skilled at this game. Don’t cry too hard if you lose.”

“Apparently you’ve never played Mario Kart with Strider.” I replied in the same tone, lifting my chin just as high. “We have special talent when it comes to video games.”

He stuck his tongue out before crossing his legs and sitting back against the bed. “We’ll see about that.”

One on one racing ensued and almost immediately I was in the lead, throwing shells behind me like there was no tomorrow. No matter how hard he tried to catch up, I would merely knock him right back into second. A stream of grumbled curses fell from his lips with every blow to his cocky attitude. The first race went quickly and soon enough there was Bowser flying across the screen and pounding his fist in the air as he went. I turned my head, a smirk splayed across my face.

“Crying yet Egbert?”

“Shut up. Beginner’s luck.” His response was mumbled through his pout.

_Hot damn he was even cute when he pouted._

“I’m not a beginner.”

He made a small sound of protest before picking another track. To his displeasure, this one went much like the last- maybe even faster. I had quickly wiped the floor with him and more pouting followed. It was obvious how much of a sore loser he was at this, but it was completely bad once I got to save the image of him sitting there, arms folded across his chest, eyes glaring into the flashing winner’s screen, and bottom lip stuck out in an immense mope.

“Well-”

“Fuck you Dave.”

My shoulders hunched in a quiet chuckle, smirk threatening to break into a grin.

“Pick another course.” I said his controller in my hand and extended out to him.

He grabbed it with an incoherent mumble, picking another. After he hit the button he turned to me, surprisingly his grin was already back. But it was cynical looking. Slightly confused, I looked back to the screen.

Oh shit.

“Really… Rainbow Road?”

“Hell yeah. No one likes Rainbow Road.”

“Because it’s a suckass course.”

He snorted, gripping his controller that much tighter. “A suckass course you’re going to lose. I have practice on this one.”

I shook my head. “You’re insane.”

A laugh erupted from his chest. John wasn’t one who was possible of quietly laughing, not that I could mind really. “Thank you good sir. Now prepare for battle.”

“Yes fair opponent. I am prepared.”

The countdown appeared on the screen and John followed it counting down aloud with it and tapping his finger on the back of the controller. With a ‘two’ flashed across the screen, we simultaneously pressed the A button down, engines revving. We both knew the start off trick- when the timer clicked ‘one’, both our carts took off with the special boost. I hated this course- who didn’t hate his course? It was unfair and crazy. The way the track curved and that damn dog ball thing that I didn’t even know what it was. It just ran around trying to eat you. The little shit.

And apparently John was right; he had practiced this one. And damn he was beating me. Given I had fallen off the fucking track about ten times now; he was still way ahead of me. With one flick of my eyes to the side, I caught a glimpse of his grin. He knew he was going to win this and even with his shoulders hunched and his fingers gripping the controller as hard as he could, that grin was still better than anything. Suddenly winning didn’t matter anymore. The feeling of seeing that grin was even greater than the thrill I got from beating him. That feeling only grew when he began swaying back and forth with his cart. He was tipping so far to the left his elbow was on my leg to hold himself up. He was way too far in my person space and the churning of my stomach was telling me so.

Before I knew it, it was over. He was sitting back up leaving my chest noticeably empting feeling. I hadn’t even finished the course before Mario was zooming past the checkered line. Then his controller was hitting the ground, arms up in the air as he shouted a triumphant ‘ _oh!’_ He turned his body, grin growing even wider.

“What now, Dave? Who has the skill?”

“You do.” I replied with shrug, rejecting the urge to do any more than that.

His face was of pure astonishment. His arms fell and wide eyes grew with a perched brow. “Did I just get a Strider to admit defeat? No sarcastic comment about how you lost for the sake of irony?”

My hands rose in defense. “Hey, everything is for the sake of irony, but no- I can’t turn this around. Sometimes I lose-” One hand dropped while the other moved to point at him with a smirk. “Just not very often.”

“Whatever. I’m accepting your defeat and the ability I now have to rub it in your face.”

I thought about the option of pointing out the fact I beat him twice compared to his single win, but I quickly decided against it. I let him have the glory instead. And I was reminded of it all day. No matter what we played out how many times I beat him after that, he would continuously point out the fact that he beat me. But I let him get away with rubbing it in my face. If it made him grin like that then was there really any point to change it? I’d rather have lit up eyes and a beaming smile than the satisfaction of being the winner.

Fucked up emotions messing with my whole moral system.

After some time, I knew I had to have been at John’s for hours. We played almost every one of his games before settling to just sitting around in his room and talking. He sat with his back against a pillow, legs outstretched, while I faced him and rested against the footboard of his bed. We had quickly fallen into a moment of silence, and though I didn’t exactly mind it, I broke it nonetheless.

“So how’s track going?” My voice was quieter than I expected from being silent so long. I cleared my throat, eyes wandering about his crappy movie poster ridden room.

“Good!” He chirped, sitting up a little. “It keeps me busy during the week, you know after school. Meets are crazy and practice is exhausting. Coach has us running so much.”

“I think that’s the point.”

His sock covered foot kicked my leg causing my eyes to snap back to his face.

“You know what I mean.” He countered, crossing his leg back over the other.

Smirking lightly, I brought my arms behind my head and leaned back even more.

“That’s why I enjoy my weekends.” He continued. Now it was his turn to look about the room while aimlessly talking. “During the weeknights I’m either at practice, meets, or doing homework. And I have club meetings a lot of times at lunch.” His eyes fell back on me. I was already staring directly at him and even if he couldn’t see my eyes, they still averted his own. “I like having time to spend with you, Rose, and Jade. You guys were my first friends.” I nodded a long giving a small hum in response. “I mean it kind of sucks not being able to hang with even you. I really do consider you my best friend.” This made my eyes flick back and my foot to twitch. Even a simple statement like that threatened to push me into a pool of emotional table flipping.

“Yeah?” I responded, my tone staying as flat as I could make it.

He nodded, smiling brightly back at me. “Of course! Who wouldn’t want the totally _cool_ Dave Strider as their best bro?”

This drew a quiet chuckle out, usual smirk actually cracking into a smile. I leaned forward, extending my fist. “Yeah, best bros.”

He stared down at my fist before back up to my face. I knew he took note of my expression because his smile just became that much wider. I was merely glad he didn’t make a comment about it as he raised his own fist and pounded it against mine.

There was a buzzing in my pocket that drew me away from his smile; damn my phone. I pulled it out and unlocked it.

TT: Hey Dave, get your ass home.

TT: Jake says he has something for you.

TT: Dave.

TT: You have a phone. You should answer it.

Apparently I hadn’t noticed the vibrations until now. The first was sent a little over ten minutes ago. And wonderful, now he was getting impatient. Staring down at the messages, I sighed. I didn’t especially want to leave. And just when I actually got to talk to John-

TG: fine

TG: ill be back soon

TG: calm your tits

I shoved my phone back in my pocket already knowing I wouldn’t get a response. With the lift of my head, I found John’s curious, but still amazingly bright, eyes looking at me questioningly. His head was tilted slightly; brows furrowed the tiniest bit in confusion.

It was official. This kid really was going to be the end of me.

I cleared my throat and stood. “I gotta go now. Bro’s callin.”

He scrambled to his feet after me. “You sure you can’t stay for dinner?”

Waving a hand, I had already begun walking out. “As much as I’d like real food and not shitty takeout or pizza, I should go before he gets angry.” I turned around just as I reached the steps. “Apparently I’ve got a sweet present waiting for me.”

“Oh-” He started, following after me maybe just a little disappointed. “Well, I hope you enjoy your present!”

I nodded, turning back to file down the steps. I tried going down them backwards once; it doesn’t work. You have to watch out for those stairs man.

“Dad, Dave’s going home now!” John called from the balcony.

As if on cue, his father’s head popped out from around the corner just as I began slipping my shoes on.

“You sure he can’t stay for dinner?”

I swear, if John did not belong to this man then something was horribly wrong.

“Yeah sorry, my bro’s telling me to come home.” I popped the heel of my shoe on and kicked it against the ground for good measure. “Thanks for having me though.”

“Oh, anytime.” He replied politely. “John’s friends are welcome whenever they please.”

I nodded in response, opening the door and beginning my trek down the front steps as it shut behind me. I was almost to the side walk when something stopped me.

“Hey Dave.” John called after me, his voice just a tad hesitant.

I turned back around with my hands now residing in my pockets. He was standing up on his front porch. His hands were clasped behind his back, and he kicked idly at the ground. What was this caution about?

I think he had been waiting for me to speak, but once I didn’t, he just continued on. “Yesterday, you said your friend gave you those shades.” Again I was silent except for a small nod. He gave a nod of his own in return. “Okay, so- what happened to them?”

My brows creased a little. These were odd questions, but I couldn’t really be too suspicious of them. Stepping closer, a hand escaped from my pocket to scratch my nose before returning.

“Who?”

“Your friend.” He answered, casting his gaze to the ground.

“He moved away.” I replied simply, but John didn’t seem happy with this answer when his eyes shot back up.

“And you just never talked to him?” His voice sounded- hurt almost. Like he knew the pain.

“Basically. I mean, hell, I was what? Nine.”

“You still could’ve called him. I’m sure he missed you.” Now it was tinged with a poorly hidden anger. His eyes had narrowed just slightly.

“It was fourth grade, John. Not like I actually saw the point in trying to stay friends. He moved like fifteen fucking hours away.” I blinked then, shaking my head a little before staring right back at him. “Why do you even care? You never even met the kid.”

Suddenly, all his features lightened. His face went blank for a split second. But then he was feebly smiling. This was all way too weird. John was acting different, but there was no way I could understand why. “You’re right.” He waved a hand after replying. “It’s just, hard to believe. I mean you obviously still care. You wear those damn shades every day.”

“I never said I didn’t care.” The words slipped out too quick before I even thought about them. There was an edge of roughness with them too. He caught it and soon pulled back a little.

“What was he like?”

“What?”

“Your friend. You must’ve been fond of him to take a gift like this so seriously. Cause, well, you know, you seem so protective of them.” His eyes were averted, but I was still searching his face. Damn this kid. My mouth was already opening to speak. I knew everything would come out. The filter I usually had seemed to completely disappear around John.

I hated it.

“I wouldn’t say I was fond of him.” I countered quickly. “He was so dorky. And made pretty lame jokes. Sure, when he moved away I was a little bummed and stuff-” Okay maybe a little more than bummed. “-but it’s not like I could do anything about it. And, I guess you could say he was technically my best friend. I don’t even know how the kid managed that. Never really helped my badassery when he was around with that derpy grin and huge buck teeth.” I could feel a smile threatening to curve on my lips even at these simple memories, so I shrugged the thoughts aside. “It was just one of those things you can’t help I suppose.”

“You shouldn’t stop trying.”

I hadn’t realized that my eyes had strayed to the ground until they were rising back to his face. “And why is that?”

“There’s always a chance you’ll meet him again.” He was smiling again, and damn it if I didn’t feel that idiotic flip in my gut.

“This county’s a big place, John.” I said pointblank while shaking my head once.

“Miracles happen.”

His voice sounded so hopeful; that hopefulness made me feel sick. Sure, I had thought about it before, but every time I returned to the fact I knew it would never happen.

“Not for people like us.”

His smile faded ever so slightly; curiosity replacing it. “And why not?”

“We’re not desperate.” The answer was simple to me, but it only seemed to push him further into confusion. I sighed, head falling forward slightly as I continued. “We don’t need a ‘miracle’. I’m not someone who deserves to get something so unlikely.”

He remained silent for a moment, but we both knew it wouldn’t last long. “How do you know that?”

“Because,” I turned back around, shrugging my shoulders once again. I really wanted this conversation to end. “Only heroes and those without a chance get miracles.” My feet started to move again, but I stopped before reaching the side walk. Glancing over my shoulder, my eyes caught his. He was still standing there with the same confused expression. “Goodnight, John.”

“Goodnight, Dave.” I was about to continue. My foot was already in the air as his front door creaked open, but his last comment made every one of my muscles freeze.  The words trickled out and made me still; silent. My eyes wide, hands clenched in my pockets. After he said them, he pushed the door to behind him. It closed and shut me out in the darkening evening.

The words left me baffled and jumbled.

“I’m glad to see even after all these years- you still wear my gift.”

My feet were frozen. Brows furrowed in confusion and pure astonishment. The horizon of orange and pink that slowly faded into blue was melting around me and dripping through the haze of clouds; air not moving only to be countered by the fluttering of questions driving sporadically into my brain.

Those words shattered my world and brought light to one anew.


	6. Chapter 6

I had a memory- one that was as crisp and clear as if I held my hand in front of my face. I held the memory in my mind. I never thought I’d have to think about it so hard; and yet there I was. Feet treading against the pavement, brows furrowed and thoughts and emotions doing cartwheels all throughout my body.

The only memory that I ever seemed to hold onto was a day when I was only five. Short, scrawny, and face covered by now noticeably ridiculous pointed shades.

This was the memory of the day this all started. This was the day I met a one John Egbert.

The sky was washed with blue and filled with the cotton candy puffs of white. The sun was up high, shining down and licking everything in its rays with warmth. Cicadas buzzed on the trees, birds snatching those they could or simply filling the still air with their songs. It was a rather hot day, but not a single complaint was leaked as people passed by one another along the trails of a park. They simply smiled and went along their ways. There was one who particularly didn’t seem to mind the heat. In fact, he loved it. Summer was his favorite season and even being sticky with sweat couldn’t bring down his mood. He would happily sit all day in that sand box, packing sand together and creating a kingdom for himself. With a freckle dusted face and sand covered hands he would build by himself and not allow anyone to mess with his masterpiece.

As much as I denied it, this little tike was me once.

But that day was like any other at first. I sat as I always did, knees bent as my hands worked the sand into squares that I made higher and higher until attempting my best to add turrets and towers. Occasionally I would succeed with little effort, but usually they would fall over, crumbling to the pile of sand beneath me. I tried not to get frustrated though, which was rather difficult at this age. Instead of destroying it all like my nerves so desperately told me to do, I would just try again until I got it. I needed the fulfillment of this being completed. I would try my best to finish with my best work. However, this never went without a small huff of indignation or a much shielded roll of my eyes.

But once my castle was done and as prim as I could make it, next came the moat and surrounding village of small buildings and clusters of houses. And by that I meant even smaller, square clumps of sand, but in my mind they were buildings. And with those completed, I would be finished and had successfully taken over the entire sandbox. I made flags out of sticks and leaves, pushing them into the tops of the towers and placing rocks along the edge to create the border. I would stand back then, looking over what I had created in contentment. Fists resting on my hips and my chest puffed out, I would be the leader of this land.

But like always, some tried to join in with me. I would only wave them away or stare them down until they left me alone. Rarely, I would speak up, telling them to leave in a flat tone that seemed to make them slink away with wavering glances shot back at me. I didn’t want their help; they would only mess it up. People like them annoyed me even at that age. They didn’t know anything other than ice cream and nap time. Now I’m not saying I knew the hardships of life at age five, but I had been through much more than a large handful of them. So I didn’t bother myself with their silly games and booger filled noses. I could do things just fine on my own.

However, when it came to a certain group of others, they would simply try to knock them down, complaining about how I was taking up too much space and I needed to share- or that my castle looked stupid and needed to be fixed. This always brought about a temper I hadn’t yet learned to control. Unlike the collected cool kid I was by my adolescents, as a kid, especially this age, I would continuously find myself in situations where I wanted to punch others square in the face. And also unlike my older age, I would go through with these urges. I was angered easily when they messed with my shit and tried to take away what I had worked hard over. And so, I solved things by pushing things over, throwing stuff around, stomping away, or on these occasions; connecting amateur punches with these kid’s faces. This usually got me a shrewd scolding from their mothers. They would always ask who was in charge of me. Complying easily and knowing the drill all too well, I would simply locate my brother and point to him. And almost every time, as if on cue, their faces would scrunch into a scowl and shake their heads. Muttering a half-hearted ‘never mind’ and grabbing their child’s wrist, they would drag them away. Apparently the wanted to deal with a sixteen year old with ridiculous glasses even less than one who was five and sporting the exact same pair of said ridiculous glasses.

Speaking of which, this strayed my memories to fall to that of my brother at this point in time; sixteen and as insufferable as ever. He picked on me, but in the end took care of me. I sometimes think he didn’t like me too much at this age, but then he would always make sure I was okay if I ever fell down or was crying about something. Sure, it came with some sort of cuss I didn’t quite understand yet and a glance that could be called disgust but I only took these as little sentiments of care he didn’t want to let slip through the wall he had built up so strong and uncrackable.

Given, he had been pushed into the world way too quickly for someone of his age. He was given the responsibility of a child, a job, and school all at the same time. Life is hard enough for someone in normal circumstances. But for us, things were way too different and harsh. This was the year, just that January to be exact, that he and I were forced to be on our own. At the time I didn’t quite accept it yet, but one night I woke to the rumbling of an engine and the flash of street lights overhead. The memory was vague but all I knew was that night I was wrapped in a blanket and being hugged against my brother’s chest as he drove. His face was pale, wide eyes, no shades, and every muscle in his body shaking. When I asked him what was wrong, he just told me something had happened and that we needed to go stay with his friend for a while.

The next day, Bro told me our parents had died in a car crash the night before. That was the day that started the year we spent at the English residence with my brother’s best friend Jake. And that was also they day I adopted my current method of coping with stress.

Shut the fuck down and talk to no one.

Perfect way of handling things, I know. Before, I would through tantrums and shout until my voice ran hoarse, but after the death of my parents, when bad things happened I would be as silent as I could. Secluding myself somewhere and only coming out if I was hungry, I would shut myself away from everything and everyone. I put myself in mental state of isolation until I could either get over what happened or block it out entirely.

Usually the latter.

That was how I spent most of the next few months. Only until that summer. We would spend every free weekend at the park or the pool with Jake. I would do as I pleased while they kept to themselves and chattered away. The only time Bro ever talked that much was when he was around that mountain man.

I was asked not to call him that nicely by the sasquatch himself, but also much more harshly by my brother. But as a five year old who watched way too much public television, (Jake’s parent’s didn’t watch much television and so they felt no need to pay for cable) most of the shows were either the news or nature shows. Also seeing that someone with that much hair and those large of muscles who was freakishly addicted to exercise could only be someone who lived in the wild or enjoyed climbing on a frequent basis, he thusly became the mountain man.

But either way, Bro really seemed to like him, so I let my suspicions slide.

And it just so happened that one of these days while they sat babbling on a bench not too far behind me, I had built a mighty fine sandcastle that I was truly proud of. As always, while I sat putting the finishing touches on my fortress, a kid like all the others decided he wanted in on my fun as well. But unlike most, he didn’t give up when I brushed him off without even looking up.

I was patting down one of the towers his voice pulled at my focus again.

“Excuse me,” He began, slipping in a giggle that made me cringe at his unexplainable giddiness. “I was wondering if I could play with you.”

Finally I drug my eyes back up. The pointed shades made everything a tad darker, but I was still met with the onset of amazingly blue eyes covered only by thick rimmed glasses, a buck toothed grin, and a mop of black hair that didn’t look like it could ever be tamed. He only smiled more when I laid my eyes on him, teeth jutting over his lip even more.

“I’m John.”

I offered no reply, staring him down with a quirked brow.

“Nice to meet you.” He continued and quickly extended a hand.

This hand made successful contact with one of the towers, knocking it down into a crumbling pile of sand atop a house. I was meant to shake that hand, but it only caused a flare of anger to light up and flicker all the way to my eyes.

“Watch it!” I hissed, smacking his hand away.

He brought it back, curling it against his chest with the other as wide eyes flicked back and forth between the pile and my face. I was ready to punch the kid; I really was. I would’ve pushed him back, glared till he left, and then proceed to fix what he messed up, but then he stopped me. He began blubbering out apologies, hands reaching out and hovering before he started picking up clumps of sand and trying desperately to fix the tower. Though, he only made it worse and crumble more which made him start to snivel. His whimpers became more incoherent as I watched him, horrified at his movements until I couldn’t take any longer. I grabbed his wrists, digging my fingers into his skin.

“Just stop!” I demanded, voice wavering on a shout. I didn’t want to full out yell- well, I did, but it would probably send him further into his state of pathetic sobbing.

His eyes widened even more. How was that even possible? With a quivering chin, his hands stopped. I let them go, and he pulled them back to once again coil against his chest.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated in a whisper.

“It’s cool.” I lied. It was most certainly _not_ cool. Right now, I felt anything but cool, but something in me really didn’t like seeing this kid- John, didn’t like seeing John, flip his shit and start crying. “Just let me do it.”

And so, I quickly began fixing the tower. Skillfully packing on just the right amount and making sure it stayed in place, I would add more and more until finally restoring it to its previous glory. John sat by, silently watching in amazement. He brought his arms around his knees as he perched on the border of the sand box and stared intently as I worked. Once I was done, I leaned back to examine my work and let the tiniest smile slip before it disappeared completely.

“Again, I’m really sorry- uh…” He trailed off, bringing a finger up to his chin and expectant eyes to my face.

“What?”

“I well- your name. I never got it.” He stuttered out, a sheepish grin resting on his face.

“That’s because I didn’t give it to you.” I replied curtly and simple enough.

His cheeks puffed out at the comment, brows furrowing and grin disappearing.

“Well… Can I have it?” He asked with frustration leaking through his voice.

“why should I tell you?”

This set him off into a flustered tangent. His brows creased even more once his arms had crossed over his chest.

“Because,” He began through a huff. “I told you mine, and it’s only the polite thing to do, and I can’t address you properly otherwise, and just- because I said so. What if you get lost and they come to me because I was the last person who saw you? Yeah, what then? I wouldn’t be able to tell them your name. Then you’d be lost forever and your brother would cry, and it’s all because you just wouldn’t tell me, and-”

I raised a hand, shaking it as a rare chuckle was drawn from my throat. “It’s Dave.” I said quickly which cut him off. “Calm you tits, John.”

His expression quickly turned from frustration to confusion.

“Dave…” He paused, head tilting and taking a flop of raven hair with it. “What are tits?”

There was a moment of drawn out silence where we both simply stared at each other. I then sighed, smacking a hand against my forehead.

“You have a lot to learn John.”

“Teach me all your wisdom of sandcastles and tits oh wise one.”

This caused me to shake my head and even laugh quietly. “Stop saying tits.”

He laughed with me then, and I couldn’t help but feel a small smile trail across my face.

I knew right off the bat something was different about this kid. It wasn’t bad, just- different.

“So,” He began, drawling out the word just a bit. “Can I play now?”

I was debating whether I should just walk away and say no, but that something was back and telling me not to. So instead, I stood up, brushing off my knees. The sand fell from them just before I wiped my hands down the sides of my shorts. John stood quickly after me and followed my actions exactly.

“Yeah,” I finally said after he stared at me expectantly. “But let’s do something else. Sandcastles are boring.”

He grinned about as wide as he could, all his teeth showing and his eyes squinting. He then leaned forward and grabbed dirty hand in dirty hand. If I had half the brain I should, I would have pulled my arm away and left him there. But I was young, he was friendly, and damn straight I needed a friend back then. So I followed after him. With a sputter and the slightest hint of a laugh, I did nothing but blindly follow.

He pulled me all through the park, showing me things I had never known were there. We saw birds’ nests, high in the arms of the trees. We chased the ducks that fleeted into the pond and the geese that hissed at us; but we would only laugh and hiss right back. There was a playground- nothing special. Just some swings and small wooden jungle gym that was rickety from years of use and covered in words and numbers carved all through it. For us, it was straight beeline to the tire swing. I got on with ease; hiking one leg over with ease then grabbing the rope and pulling myself to a standing position before I slid my legs in. I plopped onto the tire, immediately leaning back to even out the weight. John had a little more trouble though. He tried to get on, but with one leg stepping down on the tire, he almost made me fall over with him. I turned in every way I could in a few attempts to keep it straight. In the end of his multiply failed attempts, I had to grab his hand while keeping the other tight around the rope. I pulled him up whereas he scrambled to swing his legs over without pulling me down. We eventually managed to get him steady, and we sat swaying back and forth. The playground was silent. No other kids were around, and we didn’t speak for some time. I was just content with sitting here, but after a while, John’s eyes continuously strayed back to me before he finally spoke.

“I think I’ve seen you around here before.” He said randomly, legs kicking to move us in another direction.

“Bro brings me here a lot.”

He nodded in acknowledgement when it was my turn to kick. “My dad brings me a lot too.” His eyes rose from our feet with a pause, a small frown gracing his face. “I wish I had a brother. All I have is my dad.”

My head tilted a little. “You don’t got a mom?”

His frown deepened and he shook his head solemnly. “She died when I was born.”

“I don’t got a mom either- or a dad. Just Bro.”

His face lightened a little, but the sadness only grew. “What happened to them?”

“Car crash.” I replied in a flat tone but this didn’t mean my eyes wouldn’t shift to the mulch I could see through the hole of the tire.

“I’m sorry Dave.” He muttered with an even quieter voice now.

I learned to hate that voice.

“Sorry for you too bro.”

He nodded again, taking a deep breath before forcing a surprisingly genuine smile on his face.

But damn did I learn to love that smile.

“That just means we have to stick together. Watch of for each other.” He stuck his hand out, stopping our swinging entirely.

“Let’s be friends Dave.”

Not being able to deny him twice, I grasped his hand and gave it a solid shake.

“Best bros.” I assured him, letting a smile slip only for this moment.

He giggled with another nod. “Best bros.”

 

And now I was running away. My feet were plodding and clawing across the pavement faster than they had in a while. I had my hands shoved deep in my pockets and my brows creased in confusion.

How had I forgotten him?

This was my best friend- John was my best bro and I simply forgot him. No wonder he seemed so familiar. The first day I met him- or I guess re-met him, I knew there was that something about him. I had seen it before. Whether it was that messy, black hair, or unbelievable grin, there was an overwhelming sense of closeness to this boy I thought I had never met. It only made sense now that he was so easy to befriend and become close to because I had done it all before.  But that exact reason made me wonder how I could so easily forget all about him.

With every step, all these memories began flooding back. Years of playing with John. Years of going to his house, and him coming to my apartment. Four far too short years of friendship. We went to school together after that summer we first met. We were inseparable immediately. He always seemed to hang around me, but I couldn’t say I minded. He was a funny kid; always pulling pranks and making stupid jokes that I couldn’t help but laugh at. It took us one day to become the best of friends, and the next four years were only proof of that. We stuck together and became closer than ever. I could tell him anything. I never had to act cold around him because he would simply laugh it off and call me a stupid name. I had always found him entertaining, and even if he did annoy the hell out of me sometimes, it never lasted long. Then we would laugh again and things would be back to normal.

But that comfort and normality was shattered the summer when we were both nine. His father was being transferred back to where they used to live- Washington. Even though we didn’t quite understand what that meant, we did understand that the big truck in his driveway was being filled with all their stuff. John stood in the doorway, a frown stealing the place of his usual grin.

I decided that day I didn’t like it when John frowned and made his eyes dim.

John’s dad tried to explain to me that John couldn’t come play anymore. He said he’d called my brother and told him everything. He told me he was sorry, but then he thanked me for being his son’s friend. I didn’t know why he did it though. Why would you thank someone for being a friend? None of it made sense to me. At first I didn’t believe him. I walked home with an unexplainable anger. I kicked at the ground. He didn’t know what he was talking about. Of course John could come to play with me. It was his decision not his father’s. When I went home and asked Bro, he told me the same thing John’s father did. John was moving far away. Too far to walk and too far to drive. He was going to go to a different school, and worst of all- I wouldn’t get to see John anymore. This only made my anger rise. I didn’t even know why I was so angry, but the thought of all these people telling me I couldn’t see John. Maybe I wasn’t angry, maybe I was just sad. Sad and scared of losing my best friend. Why couldn’t I see him? What had I done wrong?

That was the summer I became distant again. I didn’t talk as much. My smiles were gone; locked back in my mind and gathering dust for years. I barely laughed; I didn’t feel the need to. John wasn’t there to pull his pranks or make his jokes- so why should I laugh? He wasn’t there to come and play- so why should I make new friends? Sure, I had Rose and Jade, but they weren’t the same.

Nothing was the same without my best bro.

And now he was back. He was here again, hanging out with me and cracking those stupid gags.

How had I been so blind?

Hare I have my best friend back. We’re not even going to talk about the fact that I had a fucking crush on him right now, because frankly the fact that John- fucking John Egbert was back in Texas was a little bit bigger.

By the time I had reached the apartment, I was surprised I didn’t have holes in the bottoms of my shoes from how hard and fast I was walking. Up the steps and down the hall I was at the door. It was swung open and slammed shut almost before I could get through it.

“Oh, Dave, mighty glad you’re home. I have a-”

I heard the familiar voice that was deep and rich, and it could only belong to Mr. Mountain Man. But right now I had a mission at hand. I waved my arm in the general direction of the voice, eyes locked on my bedroom door.

“Busy- Can’t talk now- Later English.”

I hurried off, a sputtered “Oh, yes, fine” following after me. I had made it to my room with the door half shut by the time a figure was behind it and a hand was holding it open.

“What the hell?” It rasped lowly.

“Not now Bro.” I replied bluntly, tugging at the door, but he had a firm hold on it.

“Something happen?”

“No. Just- leave me alone.”

He opened the door that much wider. Seeing as my strength was little to nothing compared to him, he did it with ease.

“Dave, now not to be a bitch about giving you your space and shit, but-” He hiked his thumb over his shoulder and titled his head down to where I could see the top of his light auburn irises. “English’s got something for you. Hell if I know what it is, but he seems pretty dam excited about it.”

“Fuck Bro- later. I have something I need to take care of.” My hands only pushed on the door more, but it didn’t even budge when the muscles in his arms tightened to keep it where it was. “And besides, he gets excited over what day it is, seeing a flower in the grass, hell he got excited one time when a found a new freckle. Must I go on?”

“No. I see your point, but the fuck is so important that you can’t spare five minutes of your precious and oh so valuable time?”

“It’s nothing.”

“You trying to lock yourself in your room is nothing?”

I let out a sigh and his brow rose. ”If I tell you later, will you leave?

“ _Will_ you tell me later?”

“I will. A strider’s promise.” I assured him with the single shake of my head.

Without another word, he let go of the door and practically shut it for me.

I let our yet another long sigh once he was gone and carded a hand through my hair. My eyes instantly settled on my phone. Feet moving quicker than I had thought, I stumbled across my room until I had the phone in my hand and my ass on my ruffled bed. Legs rose and crossed on the covered. With the sound of the lock on my phone clicking, I hurried to press the messages icon and fumble through a few quick texts.

TG: rose

TG: my god rose answer your damn phone

TG: rose its him

TG: its john

TG: like

TG: just

TG: fuck its john for christs sake

TT: So, you have realized our little secret?

TG: wait

TG: this is the thing you wouldnt tell me

TG: damn it rose this is not something you simply dont fucking tell someone

TT: My apologies, but it was not mine to tell.

TT: John asked me not to, so I gave him my word that I would lock my mouth shut and throw away the metaphorical key.

TT: However, yes. You are correct. This was said issue that I did not inform you of, and he is in fact John.

TT: Though you already know that.

TG: well shit i knew his name was john but i sure as hell didnt he was my john

TT: Your John?

TG: fuck

TG: no

TG: i didnt mean my john

TG: i

TG: dammit rose you know what i was saying

TT: If you mean to say John is yours as in the fat that he is the same John Egbert from our childhoods, yes. I know what you are referring to. However, I also feel obliged to say your reaction to this simple occurrence is almost amusing. I feel my breath wavering on the edge of a hushed chuckle.

TT: And do not think I skipped the actual undertones of you calling him yours, but we can discuss that at a later time.

TG: i dont even want to pick apart that clusterfuck of words right now

TG: so please excuse me while i offer a much needed phrase as i question why i even talk to you about this shit

TG: fuck you

TT: Only offering my opinion, Dave.

TG: well your opinion sucks

TT: My, your mood is quite foul this evening.

TG: well no shit

TG: i just found out that my best friend who suddenly moved away when we were nine fucking years old is back

TG: and not even that

TG: its more the fact that ive spent the past few months being right next to him and i couldnt even remember my best bro

TG: oh and by the way my mood is not foul

TG: this is all just pretty fucking crazy and a little hard to believe

TT: Well, I might suggest that you begin believing it

TT: John is back.

TT: Your previous best friend, current best friend, and frankly, also your current romantic interest has returned.

TG: my what

TT: You should be happy. You might benefit in more ways than one from his return.

TG: again i say

TG: my what

TT: Pardon?

TT: Oh, yes. I was simply saying now might be the appropriate time to pursue your quandaries of the romantic sort in our friend John.

TG: english lalonde

TT: Your crush.

TG: oh

TG: wow

TG: ha you seriously think i have a crush on that dork

TG: for once i think you actually are looking too far into things

TT: Oh really?

TT: So I have not caught you on multiple occasions staring at him and, must I say, uncharacteristically smiling? Or the few instances where you seem to gain, heaven forbid, a rather flushed face at mere contact? Your expressions and emotions are not as solid as you think, Dave. You may be able to hide it from John, and even Jade, but darling nothing can be hidden from your beloved sister.

TG: …

TG: i really fucking hate you sometimes

TT: I love you too dear

TG: dont tell anyone

TT: I would not dare.

TT: But I must ask, have you at least calmed down now?

TG: i was never not calm

TT: Yes, I forgot. A Strider never loses their ‘cool’.

TG: damn straight

TG: but yeah

TG: i guess i would be okay now if i ever had flipped

TG: which i didnt

TT: Sure you didn’t.

TT: Though, I should go now.

TG: alright

TG: but rose

TT: Yes?

TG: thanks

TG: i guess

TT: My pleasure, Dave.

I locked my phone back and returned it to my nightstand with a final sigh before I fell back onto the bed, keeping my legs crossed. My arms rose for my hands to rub my face. It had been a long day with a lot of different emotions. I certainly didn’t feel worse about John, if anything, this only made me like him more. Every time I thought about it, my stomach turned just as it had. The thought of him being the same John made me happy more than anything. And now I had these extra feelings that only made me want to become closer to him. When my hands left my face, there was no point in hiding the smile on my face. All the confusion and flipping of shit had melted into a pure happiness.

I had my best friend back again after 5 years.

I couldn’t deny it. I really was happy.

But then there was a knock at my door and the smile immediately was washed away.

“Jake, leave him alone.” I heard Bro’s voice call from the other room.

“Oh Dirk hush.” He simply bellowed back before his voice grew quiet again. “Can I open the door, Dave?”

I swung myself up, head falling forward with momentum before I brought it back and straightened my shades.

“Sure.” I called back to him.

Slowly, the handle turned and clicked as the door opened. He poked his head through the door way, smiling almost sheepishly at me. “I have to go soon, and I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind coming into the other room. I have something I want to give you. I think you’ll really enjoy it.”

I contemplated it, but eventually I gave a single nod and hung my legs off my bed, standing up. “Fine.”

I followed after him, but not without giving a final glance to my phone.

I really should call John later.

For some reason all I wanted to do now was talk to him like we used to.


	7. Chapter 7

I was sitting cross legged in the middle of the living room floor. My back was to the t.v. with some dumb movie on that most likely Jake had picked. I swear he had even worse taste than John. And then I inwardly flinched at even the mere thought of him. Trying to distract myself, I focused on the box in front of me and not John or the four eyes set on my impassive face. Bro was leaning back; arms draped over the couch while Jake sat forward, elbows on his knees and hands clasped together. I merely shifted my gaze from the box to him and then back down.

“Well open it mate!” He spouted quickly and eagerly.

His sudden burst made my eyes flick back up and stare him down for another moment. Maybe a little too cautiously, I looked down and tentatively lifted the flaps up and folded them back. My eyes became a little wider before immediately settling to their normal size once again. I began pulling out the cardboard, paper covers.

“A buddy of mine had these and he said he’s too busy for this stuff anymore. He was simply going to throw these doodads away. Figured I shouldn’t let it go to waste since I happen to know a chap such as yourself. He called them some sort of name… simply hogswallop to me, but I’m sure you know what they are. Correct?”

I pulled one of the records out, flipping it a couple times in my hands before looking back up.

“They’re scratch records. Looks like a couple singles in here; maybe a full album or two.”

With another look, I ran my finger over the maker lines in the center of the record. Places for remembering where certain lines and scratches were. A small smirk rose as I slid it back in the cover.

“Looks like he didn’t know what he was doing either. Needing little cheats like that.”

I glanced back up, and Jake was smiling even wider at me. Bro had the same smirk I did as he sat up a little.

“Not everyone’s as good as a Strider.”

His simple response made a chuckle threaten to leap out, but I kept it in and continued to flip through the box. More records, a few cds and- my hands stopped. I moved the stuff around before picking up an object in the back. I brought it out and flat out stared wide eyed down at the red headphones in my hand. Clad with a white circle and red ‘b’ on each side, these were unmistakably just what I thought they were. My mouth opened a tad even if no words came out.

“Oh yeah, those doohickeys almost slipped my mind.”

My head rose finally, eyes locking on his face. Bro was simply grinning beside him, obviously amused by my current expression. Oh well, right now I couldn’t even begin to care.

“You know what these are?” My voice was unacceptably small. Still couldn’t find any shits to give.

His face scrunched a little as he shook his head. “Headphones?”

“Not just any headphones.” I replied, taking another look at them. “Beats. And damn- do you know how expensive these things are. I mean, they look practically new.”

“He said he never used them- didn’t like how they felt.”

I audibly scoffed at this. How could you not like the way they sound. If you had enough money to flippantly buy them then complain, you shouldn’t have bought them in the first place.

“But- no. I suppose I don’t know.”

“About three hundred bucks bro.”

“Pshaw, you’re yanking my chain.”

I shook my head, examining every inch of the sweet loot currently being delicately handled. “Wish I was.”

“Who for frigs flipping sake would pay that much for a blasted pair of headphones?!”

My head merely continued to shake slowly. “A pretty fucking awesome dude who has so generously given me a sweet present through you.”

And wasn’t that true. I would have bought these for myself if they didn’t cost so much. We could barely live off of Bro’s salary; I wouldn’t dare ask for a gift as big as this. But then there was suddenly an unusually tan hand in my face.

“You like them then?”

I raised my head to stare at his hand. My emotions instantly simmered back down and I offered a shrug. “They’re cool I guess.”

He frowned, pulling the hand that I was supposed to shake away. People really didn’t seem to understand that I was not the one for handshakes. His head turned back, frown deepening a bit.

“Phooey Dirk, he’s even more imperturbable than you are.”

“I’m a little offended by that, Jake.” He countered in response, a dramatic hand being thrown across his forehead. “And here I thought I could be the impassive and combative one.”

Jake’s hand slapped his knee as he laughed. “Oh, aren’t you pitiful! How dare I say anything to affect your image?”

My brother’s mouth opened again, but I simply stood quickly. The headphones around my neck and the box in my arms. “Right- I’ll let you get back to your flirting without me here gagging in disgust.”

“There comes the jealousy again.” Bro teased after I took a step.

I turned back, hooking the box under my arm and holding it up with my slightly cocked hip.

“And what exactly am I jealous of?” I replied with an oppositely deadpanned voice.

“That you can’t flirt with your little homo boyfriend.”

Jake’s head whipped around, a grin blaring at me. “Golly Dave, you have yourself a little lad of your own?”

My eyes narrowed, brows creasing. If I could have pulled my lips any thinner I would have, but instead only my jaw clenched. “No. I do not. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you. I don’t have a boyfriend, or a crush, or anything that you could consider ‘homo’.” I snapped. Actually snapped. I knew as soon as the words left I had put too much into them. It was obvious to Bro now that I would never be able to lie about it. He sensed the falseness in my statement and the way his brows twitched told me exactly that.

Jake was a little less perceptive. His grin faded with the first few words as he scooted back a little against the couch. “My, I apologize. I didn’t mean to ruffle your feathers Strider.”

Bro laid a hand on his shoulder while a disapproving expression was given right back at me. “It’s fine Jake. Dave’s just got his panties in a wad tonight. You think he’d be a little nicer to someone who just gave him a very fine gift. Poor little baby Dave is too mean for even a simple thank you.” His tone was more threatening now.

His head tipped down a little so he could stare at me with bare eyes. I saw the seriousness but did nothing about it. No apology or gratitude was given.

“Kindly go fuck yourself.” Were the only words that seethed from my mouth as I turned back around. “ _Asshole._ ” That was a little more reserved and came out in a harsh whisper as my feet padded off into my room.

I tried my best not to slam the door once I entered my room. My hand didn't obey and flung it as hard as it could, but at least my foot listened. It caught the edge of the door just before it slammed into the frame. I used that foot to then nudge it closed before turning and sliding the box from my hip and onto my bed. I flopped beside it with a deep sigh. A hand snaked through my hair, tugging slightly before swiping it back into place. Shades were off for a split second; only long enough to dig my heels into my eyes and rub before black lenses were glued back to my face.

I was in no way jealous. Why would I be? My brother had a boyfriend whom he could hug and flirt with and touch and kiss and-

 _Dammit_. _Maybe I was a little jealous?_

No.

I was not going to let myself be this way. Because I knew better than that, and l was completely and entirely _not_ jealous. Jealousy was not something Dave Strider felt. Not an emotion I was capable of. Especially not with something as stupid as this. I would be acting like a hopelessly romantic teenage girl if I was jealous that my older brother had a boyfriend while I was crushing on some nerdy little boy who was probably straighter than a parallel line.

Oh god, that was a math joke.

Oh god, I am hopelessly romantic like a teenage girl.

 _Oh god,_ I _am_ jealous of my brother.

“Shit.” It was an audible word that led my head to sling back and smack against the wall. Immediate regret.

The headphones, by which this point I had forgotten about slapped against my face and made me flinch. In a desperate attempt to distract myself from my horrendous thoughts, I slid them up and onto my ears.

The world immediately went silent. There was no hum of the air conditioner, no words traveling through the walls, none of Jake’s boisterous laughter crawling underneath my door and scratching away at my patience. Everything was

silent

Silent and enjoyable. There was a fleeting thought of just leaving them there with no music. Simply basking in the peace I could have for a few minutes. Though that thought was short lived. Within a few seconds, they were plugged into my phone and my thumb was hovering over the play button of the last song I was listening to. It was just some random beats and tunes, but it would do for now. I hit the play button and was instantly lost in a different world. The sound was amazing. The bass was strong and loud while just enough treble broke through. It blocked out the rest of the world and left me in a serene place of crystal music and waves of pleasure to my ears.

But as always a serene moment like this couldn’t last long enough. Just as everything simmered down to where I could finally relax, I was smacked back into reality.

Literally- smacked.

My eyes shot open with a pain burning against my cheek and something landed in my lap. Eyes fell, landing on one of my shoes. A hand rose to hold my cheek while the other stopped the music and slid the headphones from my ears. Someone clearing their throat made my head turn.  Bro was just standing there up against the door frame and staring me down. As always, I was simply glad I couldn’t see the displeasure in his eyes. I offered no words, returning the stare with silence. I tossed the shoe to the floor but didn’t break my gaze away. Neither of us wanted to back down first, but after the moment of silence had been drawn on out longer than it should, Bro flicked a hand at me before turning and walking back into the main room. I knew it was pointless to deny him of my presence, and it would most likely lead to more pain than a shoe to my face, so I reluctantly pulled myself from the bed and followed after him.

He was already seated when I emerged from the hall. I took the seat beside him, folding one leg underneath me and propping the other up on the couch.

“Your turn to talk lil’ bro. I left you alone, so now-”

“Why do you even care?” I cut in, thankful that my voice stayed flat.

A simple grunt and the turn of his head was the only reply I got.

“It doesn’t matter, so why should I tell you?”

“Gotta make sure you’re not doing some dumb shit that’ll get you in trouble.”

“I’m not.”

A minor chuckle escaped as he shrugged and waved his hand. “Well then there’s another reason for you to look scared out of your shit and come flying through the apartment like your ass is on fire. And being the nosey ass I am, I want to know what.” He then gained a smirk, and I cursed myself for even glancing his way. “You pull a move on your little boy toy and he get freaked out?”

My hands balled into fists and my toes curled in my socks. “How many fucking times do I have to tell you-”

“I know, I know, you don’t have a boyfriend. It’s whatever you say.”

I opened my mouth again, but he merely continued talking.

“But I am still curious as to what exactly you did to your _not boyfriend_ John that made you, Dave motherfucking Strider, act like that.”

There was another long pause of silence before a sigh finally broke from my chest. This whole situation was annoying the hell out of me, but refusing to tell him would only drag it out longer. With a small shake of my head, I began.

“If you really feel the need to pry yourself into my own personal shit, then here’s the entire, insanely fucked up tale of a one Dave Strider and his reunion with his long lost friend John Egbert. Once upon a very shitty time, young Dave was befriended by the dorkiest kid in the world who shall be named John. John then proceeded to become best bros with said Dave. And the out of the fucking blue John moves away to bumfuck Egypt; also known as the glorious state of Washington. And then, five years later, this dorklord returns and does he alert his previous best bro? No, he lets him go along oblivious to this fact for a couple months before letting it slip that ‘Oh hey, by the way I’m your best friend from when we were nine. Just letting you know. Have fun with that.’ then graciously shuts the door in his pal’s face. And that ends the wondrous tale of Dave Strider.”

I took a deep breath once I was done. I hadn’t talked that much in a while and it left me a little winded.

“So he actually had to tell you? I guessed you would’ve figured it out a long time ago. I can’t believe you didn’t know till know.” He voice sounded almost amused as he tipped his head back and let an actual laugh out. “God, you’re an idiot sometimes- no, actually, all the time.”

My brows creased as I stared at him before I turned, legs crossing. I was sitting sideways on the couch now, and facing him. “You knew?”

He cocked one brow of his own up and had the nerve to sit there and shrug with that smug smirk on his face. “Yeah. From the first day he came back.”

“How the fuck did you know?!” And there goes every shred of calm I held in my voice. It actually cracked a little at the end which made me curse myself in my head.

The unimpressed look I got in return made me clear my throat sit back a little; forcing myself to at least appear calm.

“I remembered his name. You came home that day and told me, remember?” He gave a snort a rubbed his chin. “Seriously, you couldn’t figure it out?”

“I was young, okay? That too hard to believe?” I countered because there went that flare of anger again.

“But he remembered you. Guess one shouldn’t expect much more from a little shit like you.”

“Yeah?” I stood up then, hands curled into fists. “You can go to hell.”

His face only tipped back to meet mine as he pulled his hands behind his head. “Pretty sure I’m already there bro.”

“What’s your problem?” _Solid voice; keep it steady._ “Do you just enjoy being a narcissistic ass all the time?”

“Pretty much.” He replied complacently with but another shrug.

“You’re a dick.”

“You still have to live with me.”

I was ready to punch that smirk off his face, muscles twitching with the urge to. But that would only give him what he wanted. Making me break and lunge forward. I needed to remain calm and hold in everything. And so, I forced my hands to unclench and a deep breath to slip through my teeth.

“I’m going back to my room.”

I rasped out before turning and moving stiff muscles.

“Have you eaten anything, sweety?” He cooed in an obviously mocking tone.

“Fuck off.” I returned sternly and much louder.

A mere snort was all I heard in reply before I once again retreated to my bedroom. Running away was much better than getting the shit beat out of me, so I opted for being stubborn and pissed off instead of bruised and even more pissed off. I shut the door behind me, clicking the lock; not that it would do much against him. I think he could get through a wall if he wanted. Back into my room and back on my bed, I settled in to pull my laptop into my lap. Time to drown myself in mindless web browsing and fill the silence with music to block everything else out.

A few hours had passed seemingly like minutes, and the daylight had disappeared completely. My room was left in the glow of my laptop and the faint flickers of the street lights through my window. I shut the laptop, slinging it from my lap to the end of the bed. Climbing down, I moved through the darkness over to the door where I soon unlocked it and stepped out. The rest of the apartment wasn’t much brighter. The t.v. was had been turned off and no lights were on despite the dimmed one over the stove. The fan buzzed quietly in the corner, but besides that, everything was silent. By the look of things, Bro was already gone for the night. Now telling when he left or when he was coming back.

Couldn’t say I minded him not being here. Things were definitely more peaceful without him. With my quick survey of the now empty apartment complete, I walked into the kitchen and popped a piece of bread in the toaster. Leaning against the counter, I waited for it to spring back up all brown and warm. And wah la- bon appetite; dinner was served. Buttered toast in my hand, I nibbled on it as I wandered back into my bedroom. By the time my butt returned to its place on my bed, the toast was gone and my fingers were licked clean. I usually wasn’t one to go to bed before the sun threatened to rise, but I felt especially drained today and so my head hit the pillow in a matter of minutes. Covers pulled up to my chin and limbs curled up, I was practically a ball as I drifted into sleep.

By the time I woke again, it was bright, but in the stirring of my slumber, a groan broke through the suspected peace of Sunday. It had become a ritual of almost every morning. First all my limbs stretched out and popped from not moving all night; I didn’t toss or turn much in my sleep. And then the sounds of discontent leaked form my mouth. The sun was always brighter than it should feel. Wearing sunglasses all the time did have its draw backs, especially when the high sun first hit venerable eyes. These grunts were even further exemplified on Sundays. It was the last day before school started again, and had a rightful place to be disliked. And not only that, I only had one day before I had to face John again.

Of course I wasn’t going to avoid him or anything, but it still might be a little odd. Since, I forgot him and all. Yeah, things would be totally normal. Best bros like always. That’s how things would go…

And with these thoughts came another disgruntled sound as I threw the covers back. Forcing myself into a sitting position, I sat up and squinted at the wind. My hand groped at the dresser to find my shades before placing them in their rightful spot on my face. I blinked a couple of times, sleep still making me a little groggy. The turn of my head let the blurry letters of the alarm clock soon come into focus and alert me that it was almost noon. Not really something I was too worried about. Sundays were the days to sleep in, and damn after yesterday it felt good to let my brain stop clicking for a couple hours. But now that I was awake, drowsy muscles moved and pulled me into a standing position. With one glance down, I took note of another usual occurrence. During the night, I often got hot and somehow always managed to discard myself of any pants or socks. Strange the things you do without realizing.

I merely snorted a little and ran my hand through already furiously messed up hair. It bothered me that my hair never cooperated in the mornings. I worked hard to get it to do just what I liked. But in the morning, no; it had its own agenda. In the mornings it decided to stick out in odd places, clump in others, and altogether looked like a giant, blonde clusterfuck of hair. It sure was a joy to deal with.

With a small sigh, I left it be for now and wandered my way out of my bedroom and down the hall, my growling stomach taking the lead. Once I took my first step out of the hall, I was frozen dead in my tracks. The couch faced away from the hall and the kitchen, but I could still see the obviously familiar black mop of hair resting against the back of the couch next to Bro who was currently chattering away with said mop of hair. Having the freakishly inhuman hearing he had, his speech immediately stopped and his head turned to me. He gained a cynical smirk and tipped his head back.

“Well hey there princess. You look positively lively today.” His tone was amused and already taunting.

My mouth was open, ready to spit back an insult, but the bright blue eyes that met my face instantly cut the words and made my throat catch.

“Morning Dave!” He piped, as chirper as ever. Fuck him for being able to act like nothing was different the next fucking day after he dropped a giant bomb of surprise on my life.

And the realization of what I must look like set in. No, I wouldn’t consider myself conceited or any shit like that, but a Strider should look presentable at all times.

_Not to mention when John, the very boy that made my stomach flip and twist uncontrollably was sitting right there and I looked like utter shit that just got spit out by a monster after living in a forest for my entire life._

Okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad. But I would have rather not have been standing there in boxers and a t-shirt with my hair looking like the grass of an uncut lawn that has been neglected for weeks and now has weeds and all hell’s fire shooting up through it. I was definitely glad I had grabbed my shades now. At least I could hide behind those.

I knew my face was just daring to flush from embarrassment, but I took deep breaths through my nose to assure that didn’t happen. God knows how much fun Bro would have with that I was to let even one once of my composure slip while John was here.

_God dammit, why the fuck was John here in the first place?_

“Mornin’- John.” My voice broke in the middle in a mix of my thickened morning drawl and the actual crack in my tone, but I pushed through and croaked out the rest while switching between and utterly dumbfounded stare at John and a glare at my brother. Not that they could see either.

“Thought I’d invite him over since I called you home so early yesterday.” Bro added in and- oh

_Oh_

This was his doing and damn if I couldn’t see the utter joy he was getting from this right now. He probably knew more than anyone that I hated looking like shit in front of other people. The cocky bastard. He did this on purpose. Well this was downright _dandy_.

“Yeah, I’ve just been having a nice little talk with- ehe, Bro.” John’s voice made my eyes draw back to him, and what I hated the most was I couldn’t even hold a glare on the kid. “You make him out to be such a terrible guy, I don’t really see why. He seems pleasant enough to me.”

A loud laugh bellowed out from my brother’s chest and he nodded. “Ya see? John’s become quite a nice kid. Wish I could trade you in for him. He’s much nicer than your little shit head.”

“Yeah you’re not so fanfuckingtastic either. Bet John’s dad would be a better parent than you.” My voice was practically seething by this point, but I couldn’t even seem to care.

I never truly meant the words that left my mouth; well not fully. But they hit something in him. The grin was dropped, not even a smirk rested on his lips. Damn it, bad choice of words Dave. He merely cleared his throat and stood.

“Yeah, you’re probably right. I do remember him being a nice fella. Well then, you two should go out today. I’ve got to go help English with something. There’s money on the counter.”

And with that, he was gone in a flash. Barely even saw him before the door to his room was shutting and the entire apartment fell silent. John was no longer smiling either. He was sitting; eyes locked on the back of the couch as he bit his lip and fiddled with a stray string. Apparently even he could sense the tension that had fallen.

I let a sigh escape, hand rising to rub the back of my neck. “So what do you have planned?” I asked in a partial mumble.

John’s head snapped up and tilted just slightly. “Hmm?”

“We’re doing something today, correct?”

“Oh, yes. Want to go get some lunch? Eh, nothing too expensive.”

I gave a small nod, turning on my heels. “Sure, but I have to- …not look like this.”

I started off, but almost instantly he was at my heels. When I reached the bathroom, I stepped in and turned back, one hand on the door. “Not that I really care, but I’m pretty sure you don’t want to come in here with me.”

His cheeks grew a little pink and he laughed awkwardly. “Right, right. Sorry. I’ll just go- wait in your room.”

“Just don’t break any of my shit. And it’s messy. I wasn’t exactly expecting company.”

“That’s fine!” He grinned back at me before wandering down the hall to my room.

I shook my head lightly, shutting the door, turning on the water and stripping down. Once it was hot enough, I stepped in and made it a quick washing of my hair. It didn’t take long; soap it up and rinse it out. I was trying to be fast. I wouldn’t admit it, but it made me a little wary to have John snooping around my room.

It wasn't ten minutes before I was out and wrapping a towel around my waste.

Then and oh shit moment set in. I had no clothes, but I was determined to keep calm. I gritted my teeth for a moment before forcing my jaw to go slack and I grabbed my clothes up under my arm. With one hand holding the towel, I threw the bathroom door open and stepped out. The cold air made me shiver as he water ran down my chest and legs. I began walking but stopped right in the doorway of my room. John was sitting on my bed flipping through some book Rose had given me to read; most likely utter garbage.

"Hey John, can you like turn around or something... I forget my clothes."

I cast my eyes aside and kept my voice quiet with the attempt to hide my embarrassment yet again.

"Huh..." He muttered, obviously engrossed in whatever he was reading.

My glance flicked back to him and I sighed a little. "John."

The shortness of my voice made his head slowly pull up. "What-" He began, but with one look at me his mouth shut and his cheeks flushed red.

This only cause my own face to grow hot and I knew I was blushing without any way of hiding it.

"Yes- right- I'll, Uh-"

He glanced around quickly, grabbing a pillow from my bed and frantically shoving it against his face. He then gave me a thumbs up before moving his hand back to the pillow. I would have given a light laugh to this if I wasn't standing nude in the middle of my room and freezing my ass off. I hurried to drop the clothes from my arm to add to the pile on the floor. I then started to rummage through my drawers. Double checking that John couldn't see, I dropped the towel and quickly slipped into a pair of clean boxers. Then with as much haste as I could, pulled on some shorts and found a white T-shirt with some band on it. I gave my head a quick shake, and turned back to my bed.

"Alright John, I'm decent."

There was no reply and he didn't move, so I stepped across the small distance. Leaning down on the bed with one arm, the other grabbed the top of the pillow and pulled it down. His clamped eyes opened and he stared at me for a minute before grinning again and blowing a tuff of his hair up.

And just about that time, I realized how close to his face I was. He was way too damn cute and way to close to me. It would only take a little bit to close the space between us and-

No no no no- stop. I can't have those thoughts. Not about John. No.

I had already hesitated way too long, so I stood back up quickly and gave a small cough.

"I'm going to go dry my hair." I replied, making my voice deep and turning to leave.

With my first step out the door, I already knew he was behind me. Feet loudly banging against the floor made a huge contrast compared to my light, almost silent steps. I walked back into the bathroom and reached under the sink to get the blow dryer. Plugging it in and turning it on full blast, I cranked the heat up and moved it back and forth above my head. It never took too long because I didn’t have that much hair, but the entire time John just stood there and watched me. By the time I was done, he was rocking back and forth from his toes to his heels. I turned my head a little once the dryer was cut off and cocked a brow up.

“Can I help you?”

He only grinned and shrugged. “Actually, I was going to ask you the same thing.”

I watched him in silence for a few more seconds before unplugging the dryer and wrapping the cord around it. “You can go find my hairbrush somewhere in my room.”

With that, he gave a nod and turned promptly. In the amount of time it took me to stow the hairdryer back under the sink and stand, he was already back with my brush in his hand. I leaned forward a little against the sink and towards the mirror, running both my hands through my hair a couple times before standing back up. While I was looking at myself in the mirror, I felt a something move against my scalp. My brows furrowed as the movement continued. An arm moved behind my head in the mirror and my expression was utterly confused.

“John.”

“Yes, Dave?” He hummed back in response.

“I asked you to bring my hair brush- not brush my hair for me.”

“Shh, Dave just let me do this.” He only continued to brush and run his hand over my hair with every stroke.

My arms fell limp against my sides and I hunched a little but didn’t protest much more than that. “You’re so fucking weird.”

“And yet here I am in your apartment.”

“Without my consent let me add.” I countered with a sigh as my eyes closed.

Maybe just a tad to my discontent, John finished in a matter of minutes and reached around to set the brush on the sink.

“All done.” He mused happily.

I opened my eyes back, only moving the hair around to get my bangs to sweep to the side.

“Thanks, I guess.” I muttered almost in a grumble before turning.

“Was that appreciation from a Strider? My god I think I can get you to do anything!”

_Of course I would do anything for you._

“Yeah, well-”

“Well what?” He cut in, leaning forward on his toes.

Oh god he was getting too close again. He was shorter than me, but with the way my head was tucked down and he was bent over slightly our eyes met exactly. Dammit my face was growing hot again. My hand rose to rub the back of my neck and my head cast to the side.

“Well, we should get going.” I was the best liar. “Pretty fucking hungry, aren’t you?”

“Damn right I am.” He nodded, rubbed his stomach and exited the bathroom without another thought.

As soon as his back was turned, I furiously rubbed at my cheeks and rushed into my bedroom.

“I’ve gotta get my shoes.” I called after him, but once inside, I bent over slightly.

Hands on my knees, I took a deep breath to try and calm the god damn fluttering in my chest. This was getting ridiculous and annoying. I couldn’t get through five minutes with the kid before I was losing breath and blushing like a school girl. Striders do _not_ act like this. I needed to remain calm.

With another deep breath in and out of my mouth, I grabbed my shoes to pop them. Kicking them on, I walked back into the main room and grabbed the money left on the counter for me. I shoved it in my pocket and met John at the door.

“Ready?”

“Yeah!” He chirped, tossing the door open and bounding out.

My steps faltered for a moment and his head popped back in the doorway.

“You coming? Better hurry your ass up.”

That grin stopped my breath.

Brighter than usual; more than I had seen in a while.

I guess it was good he told me who he was. He seemed almost happier now. Those eyes sparkled and that elated face struck me senseless.

It would be a miracle if I could get through this day without him killing me.


	8. Chapter 8

By the time we were walking down the street, John was babbling to himself about where we should eat. Occasionally getting distracted by something he sees and going off on a tangent about it. Eventually he started listing all these places, counting each one on his fingers but usually it all ended in the waving of his arms as he told stories remembering each place from his childhood. Because surprise, surprise, this was John. And even so, I was still having a hard time accepting the fact that this was _the_ John Egbert. And apparently we just weren’t going to talk about it. He didn’t mention it, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to bring it up. So instead I just let him talk, hands in my pockets and head turned to watch his features. He turned to look at me a few times, but mainly kept his eyes in front of him to watch everything happening around us. Subsequently, I would nod every now and then, adding in a small sound to let him know I was still listening. Okay, honestly, I wasn’t listening at all, but it made him content to think that I was. I was lost in my own thoughts that ranged from one: holy shit, this was like a date except not really because John is a guy and that’d be weird for him, and two: hey, it’s really cool to have my best friend back even though he doesn’t seem to want to talk about the fact that he was gone for practically five years. I favored the latter given that it didn’t make me seem like a giddy love struck girl.

Though I was finding it harder and harder to convince myself that’s not what I was. Especially when he had a damn smile like that and eyes that were once again on me.

His hand rose, waving in my face once he stopped walking. “Earth to Dave.”

I stopped walking without knowing, but blinked with the hand flashing in front of my eyes.

“What?” I asked, my voice quiet from not talking at all since we began our stroll.

“You don’t listen to anything I say, do you?”

“I’m offended.” I scoffed after clearing my throat. His brow rose with an unamused expression that I returned with a mere smirk. “Of course I do. Do you not see me hanging on your every word?”

“I don’t, even though you should be.” His hands landed on his hips and he puffed his chest out. “I’m obviously the only important person here.”

“More like the only ass here.”

My eyes rolled to the side, but a hand smacking my shoulder made them flick back with a light chuckle.

“You’re the ass for saying that.”

“At least I have an ass.” The reply came quick before I could even catch what I was saying.

His eyes widen and he quickly began bending and twisting to look behind him. “You should take another look, because I think I have a fine ass.”

I practically choked on the air in my throat, sputtering through a few incoherent sounds before tipping my head back to stare at the sky in hopes the heat in my face would drain back as I rubbed the back of my neck.

“Yeah- Totally…”

There was a pause before a loud laugh. “Dave, you just admitted that you think I have a fine ass.”

My eyes clamped shut, hand faltering and words catching.

_Oh, real smooth Strider. Real smooth._

“We need to stop saying ass now.”

My head lowered again, arm falling back to my side. He just rolled his eyes, waved me off, and started walking.

“Whatever, you totally like my ass.”

How was it possible for this kid to be such a goddamn flirt without even knowing it?

It was simply infuriating.

With a quick sigh, I stepped after him. Soon enough I had caught up to his side with my hands in my pockets and his nonsensical babbling starting up as if the blurb in our conversation never happened.

“I’m thinking pizza. That good with you?”

I merely gave another hum, but he cut it short with a sharp glance.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m listening. Pizza sounds fine.”

He gave a swift nod, but the conversation quickly plummeted back into the depths of rambling about either A: the stupid and pointless things his dad had done recently, or B: shit about school that I could really care less about. The year was almost over, and so while many students (John included) were stressing about finals, I was giving as many fucks as I had given at the beginning of the year. Mind you there was a very small amount of fucks there.

While I completely listened (not) to the depths of blabber John was emitting, it was only another few minutes before he stopped walking, and for that matter talking. Man this kid talked a lot. I took another step after him, not expecting his sudden halt in movement.

“You ever been here?” He asked, eyes trailing down from the sign to the side of my face.

I looked up before shrugging and reaching to open the door. “Don’t think so. Bro and I don’t really eat out much.”

He nodded in return, stepping through the doorway once the small bell chimed with its opening. We stopped in front of a small podium where a younger lady stood, clacking her pen against the tall stack of menus. Once her eyes strayed to us, she stood up and bit and cleared her throat.

“Just the two of you?”

John nodded happily and she just popped the gum in her mouth as she waved for us to follow. Flippantly tossing the two menus on a small table, she walked back off and we both took out seats.

“Well she was pleasant.” John commented through a grumble as he opened one of the menus and laid it out on the table.

“She was probably offended by your face.” I remarked, my eyes already skimming over the small, black font covered by a layer of plastic.

“What’s wrong with my face?”

I lowered the menu a bit to cut my eyes over it and show off the smirk I had. “You know, it being ugly and all; probably scared her.”

“You’re such an ass.” He huffed, head lowering back down to the table.

“And there you go talking about asses again. I think you have a problem John.”

“Shut up and help me decide what we’re eating.” His words were practically toppling over mine as he smacked the back of my menu.

“Why don’t we be creative?”

“Alright, and what would that entail.”

“Cheese.”

“Cheese?” His brows raised with his tone as he stared at me with that confused look. “You call that creative?”

“I call that being sarcastic dumbass.”

“Cheese it is.” He nodded, shutting his menu and taking the one from my hands.

And just about that time, another woman came strolling up to our table. It was much more pleasant to see someone who didn’t look like they were going to stab themselves in the face at any moment.

“Good afternoon boys!” She started off, swaying onto her toes a bit. “What can I get for ya?”

“Coke for me.”

John nodded and continued after. “The same. And a medium cheese pizza.”

“Two cokes and a cheese. My, aren’t you two adventurous today.”

“We’re being creative.” John replied quickly, laughing as he said it which drew a small chuckle out on my part as well.

The woman just laughed along with us and took the menus before disappearing back into the kitchen. There was a moment of passing silence before our drinks were brought and John proceeded to chew on his straw as I gazed about the almost dimly lit restaurant.

“So, are you excited for summer being so close?”

And so started the idle chitchat John put me through whenever there was an extended amount of silence. This didn’t feel awkward at all. Maybe it was just me, but I enjoyed the silence. I guess I just wasn’t used to constantly having conversation when days could go by without a word being spoken in my apartment. At school Rose didn’t speak much, and when she did it mainly made me want to hang myself. And then there was Jade who could easily have a conversation with a brick wall, so I usually just left her to talk at me instead of actually conversing. But with John, he needed someone to talk to at all times. Even this uncomfortable small talk satisfied his constant need for interaction. Most times I didn’t mind it, but as of right now I was still trying to figure out how exactly this was John Egbert long lost friend. Though apparently, he just wasn’t going to bring it up. Perfectly fine without mentioning the hurt look he had upon realizing I had forgotten about four years of our friendship.

 Because that’s just who he was.

And yet, in no way desiring to have that conversation, I simply shrugged, going along with this chatter.

“Eh, sure. Summer’s pretty boring at the Strider residence. Don’t do nothin’ but sit around all day.” I took another swig of coke. “But being bored shitless at home’s better than being bored shitless at school I guess.”

He popped the straw from his mouth with a smack. Poor thing, never even had a chance before being destroyed by the monstrous overbiting monster that was John. “Well hey, this summer you’ve got me for entertainment. You should just walk down to my house; I’m sure my dad would love to force feed some evil confections down your throat.”

I snorted a little. “You kidding? I’d love some of those ‘evil confections’. Bro doesn’t make shit at home.”

“Well then please come and eat them so I don’t have to.”

“I just might take you up on that offer. Oh, and of course you can come over to my house and be threatened at blade point by a psychotic man child to watch shitty animes and eat day old takeout.”

“Sounds wonderful.” He laughed but followed it with a shrug. “Bro’s really not that bad though. He seemed pleasant enough this morning.”

“Yeah, you got the good side of him. That’s cheery, chatty and creepy as fuck Bro. Just wait till you meet tired and insanely violent Bro. Then you’ll be rethinking that statement.”

“I think he’s only like that with you. Probably because you’re a little shit head to him.”

“Well he’s a big shit head to me.”

I folded my arms, resting back into the chair. John’s amused expression was locked on me even as he shook his head. “That was an awful comeback and you know it.”

“Just keep murdering your straw, Egbert.”

While he sat, snickering to himself, our pizza was brought and set up on a metal holder in the middle of the table. She dropped the check off on the table with a tap to it.

“I’ll be back to get this when you two are done.” She smiled brightly before spinning back around and walking off.

We both sat up, looking at each other before immediately digging in as quickly as we could. I don’t think another word was spoken until we had both devoured out half of the pizza and sat back. I folded my hands over my stomach with a long sigh and let my head dip over the back of the chair.

“Damn good pizza.” He muttered with a pat to his own stomach.

I could only hum in response through the stuffed feeling I had making everything sluggish. There was a rustling sound that made my head lift back up. He was fumbling around in his pocket, pulling out his wallet and flicking it open. I sat back up, waving my hand.

“I got it.” Retrieving the money from my back pocket, I tossed it on the table.

“You don’t have to.” He replied, scrunching his face up.

I merely shook my head. “I insist.”

“Oh man, well alright.” A small chuckle slipped through. “I’m not going to deny a free lunch.”

“That’s right. What kind of gentleman would I be if I didn’t pay for my date’s lunch?” By the time the sentence was out, I hadn’t had time to stop myself. Teeth were biting down on my tongue, _hard_.

_Date- The fuck are you saying?_

_Idiot._

I coughed in attempt to cover it up, but probably failed miserably. “I mean- this is technically Bro’s money. So, why shouldn’t I pay?”

“Well in that case, tell your brother thanks for me.” He said happily.

My eyes lifted back from the table to find him grinning and returning his wallet back to his pocket. It was as if he didn’t even hear what I said.

Thank god.

“Well come on.” He piped, jumping up from his chair. “Let’s get a move on.”

“Yeah, yeah. calm down.”

By the time I got to my feet, he was already off to the door. Swinging it open, he dashed out. I was quickly behind him but I still had to add a small skip in to catch up. He spun on his heels, walking backwards with his hands clasped behind him. That mouth was already running again. The second he could start talking, he did. It was amazing how much he had to say. Half of it didn’t even have a point. He would simply start a thought but move on to a new one without even finishing it. Any little thing that caught his attention would send him into another rant; good or bad. But the thing that surprised me most was that I didn’t mind in the least. Most people who never shut up annoyed the hell out of me. But when he talked, I was interested. Maybe that was just the small crush I was both trying to nurse alive and trying to stifle until it died at the same time in my heart speaking, but either way, he could talk forever and I really wouldn’t mind.

I wasn’t sure if he ever stopped talking that day. Taking me in and out of stores through town; he would pick up random objects, make some sort of joke about it before tossing it back. But we mostly just walked. Up and down the streets, sometimes the same street more than once. We walked and held idle conversation. This was the most time I had spent with John for as long as I could remember. Half the conversations I couldn’t even remember. They were all silly and pointless ramblings that made us laugh and plunge into new and old jokes. Between that and running around town, the hours flew. Before I knew it, or had time to realize, the sun was going down. It was barely dark, but night was well on its way. We first noticed it when a street light above us flicked on as we walked down the sidewalk. The chitchat had become more relaxed and quiet as we took to our usual positions. I had my hands in my pockets and John was walking beside me, arms swaying freely at his sides. It fell silent for a moment before the conversation I had been anticipating all day ensued.

“Hey Dave.” He began almost quietly. A slight sense of hesitation masked the true curiosity behind it.

“Yeah?”

“Did you really not remember me?”

His question made me want to stop walking, but I made my feet stay strong. Still, I let my eyes cut to the side to see his own gaze glued to the sidewalk and one arm almost awkwardly rubbing the other.

I let out a deep exhale, breath I didn’t even know I was holding in. Tipping my head back, I shrugged lightly. “I guess… No. I really didn’t” There was a small ‘oh’ that made me inwardly cringe and push to force more words out. “Now, I don’t mean that you didn’t seem familiar. Like, the first time I saw you- or, the first time as in earlier this year, you looked really familiar. Like I had seen you before. I just didn’t really connect it.”

“I see.” He let out a small sigh before laughing. It just sounded a little too forced. “I mean it has been like five years. I guess I can’t really expect you to remember. We were pretty young and I’m sure we both look different.”

His voice was making me feel guilty and I just couldn’t figure out why. I hadn’t done anything wrong. He was right, we were young. We look different now. But why did I still feel so bad?

“Look,” I began with yet another of my coined sighs. “I don’t really know why I forgot. I assure you, I didn’t mean to. I’m sure if we somehow would’ve kept in touch, I’d definitely remember you.”

“Oh, of course! I guess just remembered cause I knew I was coming back here.”

“Yeah,” I smirked, a strained chuckle escaping. “You know, Bro remembered you. Little sad that I can’t when my brother can.”

“Eh, he’s old. They do that. He’s got that ‘I have to remember everything about little Davey’s life cause he’s so precious.’ mindset going on.”

My hand smacked against my forehead as I shook my head. “Oh god, you would not believe how many pictures the guy has of me as a kid. Like put the fucking camera down dude.”

“Oh isn’t that cute.” He teased, leaning a bit forward to look directly at my face. “Your big brother wuvs you.”

“Can it Egbert.” I warned, glaring at him through the darkness.

He just laughed and kept walking happily beside me. “Whatever. One day you’ll be glad. You’ll be out on your ass cause your drunk or broke and here comes big brother to the rescue.”

“Fuck that. If anything happens, I’ll be coming to you for cash. That’s what best bros are for, right?”

“Yeah. Right. Except I’ll be leaving your ass on the street.”

“Ow, harsh John.”

“I never said I was nice.” He chimed with that lit up grin before sticking his tongue out and laughing even louder.

I was about to speak up again, but he stopped abruptly, flinging an arm out to hit me in the chest and make me stop.

"Oh, come on- let's go in here!"

He suddenly flanked right and slid in between the closed gates of the park.

"Egbert, you do know it's illegal to be in here after night fall, don’t you?" I muttered but followed after him none the less.

"If they wanted us to stay out, they would've locked the gate." He mused in response with a grin. "And besides, I've done this before. I want to show you something."

He grabbed my wrist, jerking me into a fast pace and swerving through trees, up and down hills.

"Where the hell are you taking me?"

"Pipe down! We're almost there."

Soon enough, there was a line of trees and brush along one of the outer borders of the park. He hunted along it until finding the exact spot he was looking for. There was a tiny break in the mess where you could see people had walked through before. He beckoned for me with a hand as he began to push back a few branches and enter the dark foliage. I was a little wary, but I followed anyway.

It took a bit to get through, but once we were, the trees opened up to an empty field. The moon made the grass shine and a breeze moved it in waves. The field wasn't too big, but just enough to not be called small.

John had his hands on his hips and his chest puffed out in success.

"I love coming here. Hasn't even changed since we were kids."

When he began to walk, I jumped a bit to move after him. He went a little ways until we were about in the middle and stopped. Crouching down, he held himself up with one arm before lying down completely. I, as always, followed suit and laid down right next to him. A few bugs flew up around us and the grass tickled my neck, but it was all together peaceful.  My hands were folded on my stomach, fingers lacing together. There was a sigh at my side as John snuggled into the earth and crossed one of his legs over the other. I found my eyes staring up into the dark sky with the stars twinkling brightly. They focused on nothing in particular, but the moon caught my attention every now and then before I would stray again to another part of the sky. My mind was wrapped up in my own thoughts, and so it was silent for a long time. Comfortable silence that left me with a peaceful feeling. When things were silent between us, I never felt nervous (not that I ever felt that anyway...) My stomach never churned and flipped in the silence. I could bask in the stillness, feeling peaceful and wanting it to last.

But knowing John it never did. I think the silence made him feel anxious, so he always found something to say. Even as if to merely point something obvious out; he would always speak.

"Stars are amazing, aren't they?"

His voice was quiet, but also knowing John, he was expecting a reply even to that simplest statement. Complying with his unsaid wishes, I have a small hum in response. He at least knew I was listening then, so he continued on to his point; that is if he actually had one.

"They're so far away... But we can still see them." His hand rose, fore finger and thumb extended while the others curled against his palm. He pinched his fingers together as if to squish one of the billions of tiny lights dotted across black. He paused then, letting his arm fall back across his stomach. "They're so perfect. Have you ever seen something so perfect?"

You should take a look in the mirror

"What do you think Dave?"

My head had turned slowly while he was talking, but now with my cheek resting again my shoulder; my eyes were locked on his face. I watched the moonlight glisten on his glasses and the muscles of his face move when he talked to where it showed the shallow lines already forming from how much he smiled. His eyes sparkled and the hair whisped around his face with the light evening breeze.

"You're right... they're perfect. Flawless even." Where were the words coming from? Why can't I stop? "Seems everything’s ok when I look at them. Makes the rest of the world go silent in its superiority. They're just that perfect."

A laugh bubbled from his throat; an actual goddamn laugh. His eyes fell to the side and bright blue made me freeze.

"God Dave, I never took you for such a sap about stars."

Those words whirled me back into movement. I couldn't hold his gaze; my head turned back to the sky. "Yeah..." I breathed out quietly. "I was just talking about stars. That's all."

I'm not fucking talking about stars you oblivious, adorable idiot

I raised a hand to sweep through my hair before scratching my nose and falling back at my side. But then there was an immediate spark sent up my spine. The nerves on the ends of my fingers tingled as they felt the soft, and what could only be skin beneath them. Still, I curled my fingers a bit and- yeah, okay, that was definitely John's hand.

Under mine.

Holy shit. We were holding hands. Dammit muscles this is not the time to stop listening to me. Now move.

"Well shit if you want to hold my hand, you're going to have to buy me a drink first."

My eyes flicked back over quick enough to catch his wink before he was giggling to himself.

I wanted to sigh in relief that he didn't freak out, but I couldn't. My voice was caught, so I forced a sincere chuckle from my throat and a smirk on my lips as I slid my hand into the grass next to his.

"Cause you're a classy lady."

This only caused him laugh more, a small snort slipping in. Damn if that wasn't cute.

"You got that right. I'm no flighty broad."

"Damn, and here I was thinking you'd be easy."

"You're mistaken."

It was easier to laugh this time. It was always easier to laugh with John. They weren't restrained; I just let them fly easily.

He sighed through his final laugh before pulling his phone out of his pocket and sliding it open.

"Shit." He hissed, sitting up quickly and popping it back in his shorts. "It's like- way past when I was supposed to be home. Dad's going to be pissed at me."

I pulled myself up and almost grimaced at my stiff muscles and the feeling of grass sticking to my arms.

"Blame me, I don't care."

"Nah, I'll think of something."

He practically hopped to a standing position. Turning back around, he smiled down at me and extended a hand. I took it so he could help pull me to my feet. When he dropped my hand, I moved both of them to my pockets and followed after his feet that were already moving forward. We didn't talk again until reaching the gate of the park. The park was smack dab in the middle of the neighborhood; I went left and he went right. But before heading our separate ways, we both turned to face each other. He rocked back and forth on the sides of his feet seeming to work out the words so they didn't fumble around his tongue.

"Today was fun." Were the words he finally settled on before splitting his face into a grin.

I gave a solid nod in return, rising to my toes for emphasis. "It was."

That grin faded, brows knitted together. "Aw come on, why can't I get one of those infamous Strider smiles? I take you out to lunch, an arcade, and we even stared at the stars, but you won't spare me one smile? Damn, you haven't changed a bit."

"I could say the same about you Mr. Giddy giggles."

"Ow, your words hurt me."

Even if I wouldn't smile, I could still pull off a light smirk. "They weren't meant to please you."

With a mischievous glint in his eyes, his hands shot up before I could even react. They had a hold of my cheeks and were tugging up the corners.

"Come on, that smirk won't do."

"Fuck, John what're you doing?"

The tugging only continued despite my struggling and pulling at his wrists. I stepped back, but he followed in my shadow.

"I'm making you smile god dammit."

"This isn't going to work Egbert."

I used all my muscles to curve my mouth down as if he would get some sort of satisfaction from his actions. Eventually, he gave up and dropped his arms. I instantly began rubbing my cheeks and grumbling a little to myself. That was until I noticed he wasn't he hadn't stepped back or moved his attention from my face. I stared back, eyebrow raised in wonder and hands hovering in front of my face.

"Can I help-"

I couldn't even get the sentence out before his arms were under mine and wrapping around my back.

"It's good to see you again, Dave. I missed my best bro all those years."

My arms hung awkwardly around him as his chin rested on my shoulder. I desperately hoped he couldn't feel my heart speed up to that of a rabbits and my face growing pathetically warm at this mere contact.

Dammit John, you can't smell good too. It's not fair for you to be this perfect

I simply had to indulge myself no matter how much I knew it would hurt in the long run. So my arms fell, hugging him back only enough to where I could still restrain my hands from forming fists in the fabric of his shirt and never letting go. His hair was soft, brushing against my face. I took a deep breath, so what if I was smelling him? Don't judge me. I couldn’t even hold back. Because- my god what was that? It had to be strawberry. That kind you buy for little kids with the animals on the front playing in a tub. Like it’s ever that fun. In any other case I would have taken the chance to mock him and his girly ass shampoo, but no. Not this time. No way was I letting this end because of my smart mouth. So instead my eyes closed, inhaling before the exhale came out in an almost sigh.

"Missed you too John." I muttered quietly and meant it. Even if I may have completely forgotten, I still felt as if I had missed out on something these past years. Besides, if I had remembered, I knew I would have missed him.

If only we could've stayed like that a little longer, but he was pulling away too soon. But I stepped back with him as to not let him catch on, as if he ever would considering how damn oblivious he is.

He smiled, titling his head a bit and waving. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah."

I didn't hold back the tiny smile pulling at my lips. I let it go even if I didn't want to. I knew he caught it, but thankfully said nothing. Instead he spun his feet around and began walking away.

"Bye Dave!" He chimed and swung his arms by his sides without a care.

My smile grew a little but only for me to know before I turned and those butterflies lit up my stomach.

But then it hit me full force. My smile disappeared and my stomach dropped.

No denying it anymore.

My hand drug my phone out of my phone once I stopped, unlocking it and opening a new message.

TG: help

TT: I'm glad you finally came to senses with your emotions, but I cannot help. I can only offer a hopefully comforting sentiment.

TT: Good luck.

TG: im screwed

John Egbert had taken my heart, and now he was running away with it.


	9. Chapter 9

There was a smack of my forehead against the plastic table and the clunk of a tipping over water bottle.

“The fuck do I do Rose?”

My voice was muffled by the table, but she understood me and gave a small pat to the back of my neck.

“You do what you always do.”

“And that is?”

“You whine.”

My head swung back up, knocking her hand away and- ow, okay, bad idea. Head rush. I blinked a couple times to get over the sudden dizziness before staring back at her.

“I do not whine.”

She sat, twiddling a piece of disgustingly thick and saucy cafeteria pasta around her fork. “Oh, of course you do. You just don’t think so. You probably interpret your whining as an excuse of irony or something, but Dave, please, you whine. Quite a bit I must say.”

My arms folded on the table, and I rested my chin on top of them. “Do not. But either way, this isn’t something whining will fix in any case. I mean fuck- I forgot John. And he didn’t even care. He acts like nothing’s changed.”

“Well, about the fact you forgot him; that would be your own subconscious’ fault. You do seem to push negative memories into the depths of your psyche. And in regards to the latter, are you sure that many things have changed? Despite your physical attributes and some, minor, maturity, what has changed all that much?”

I really didn’t have a response to the statement so I just made a few noises into my arm that sounded somewhat like a rebuttal.

“However, I have been meaning to ask you something all day.” Or great, she’s not done. “It pertains to those messages you sent me last night.”

My chin popped up so and I turned my head while still being hunched over.

“Let’s not talk about that.”

“Oh no, no, we are not simply going to do a once over of those and then completely forget they ever happened.” She actually laughed. “You are definitely a lot worse off than I first thought.”

“And what does that mean?”

“Well, if you remember my small nudges to address your feelings of romance towards John, you can see with those I thought this was just some simple liking. A _crush_ you could say, but now- well, let me just say I think things have progressed a little further than that of crush standards.”

“Are you saying I love him or something because-”

“Heavens no.” How dare she fucking cut me off like that. Nonetheless, I shut my mouth and let her keep going. Again. “I would not go that far. We are still juveniles. I am merely saying your affliction towards John is a little stronger than that of a crush. Though, I would certainly not say it is to the criteria of love yet.”

“Whatever. You just keep thinking that. This is nothing I can’t handle _without_ your babble.”

“Suit yourself. I will always be here to gladly pick apart the Strider mind set.”

“Yeah, well-”

“Hey, Dave!”

My mouth shut and my body went rigid.  Rose’s grin flicked that much wider at my actions before I sat up and turned with the clearing of my throat. At my side, John was beaming down at me, his arms wrapped around a couple books.

“I’m coming home with you, aren’t I?”

“Yeah. Just meet me outside.”

“Alright, make sure you don’t forget your books. We can’t exactly do much studying without them.”

I gave a short nod to which he returned and took off again.  Probably to go sit with people who were even mildly interesting. Not saying we weren’t, hell, Rose and I can be a riot, but he had other people he enjoyed talking to. I never knew how he came to be liked by so many people. Okay, it wasn’t that hard, what’s not to like? But more the question that I denied ever crossing my mind: _why doesn’t he want to talk to me more?_

Because I never thought that. Nope. Never.

Once he was gone, I slumped back into my arms until a quiet hum floated around my head.

“So, he is coming over tonight, hmm?”

“Not now.” I snipped back, but she merely snickered and continued on.

“I am only teasing you. I wasn’t assuming anything further than a platonic time of, how should I say, ‘hanging out’ to occur. He sure has you in a state of frenzy.”

“I don’t even care enough to understand what the hell you just said; per usual.”

“Shall I comment on the body language displayed at the mere sound of his voice?”

“No.”

“Because I think it is quite intriguing-”

“Can it.”

“I am taking to almost observing your reactions to these sorts of things-”

“Lalonde.”

“Of course, romance is only a small genre that I dabble in, but still-”

“Stop.”

“I am finding your current state of disarray rather amusing. Maybe I should begin taking notes. It would pose for a very informative essay-”

“Come on.”

“The one sided relationship of a young male and his newly found sense of blossoming homoeroticism-”

“Rose!” Now what came out wasn’t exactly a shout, but I was definitely louder that the normal mumble I pushed my words through. It caught her attention, so it did what I meant it to. “Stop.” I added after pausing to make sure I really did stop her.

“Pardon me David,” She began up again like nothing had even happened. “I apologize if I in anyway pushed the boundaries of your comfort.”

“It’s fine.” I pushed back from the table and gathered up my trash. “Come on, we should get to class.”

I knew the look she was giving me was incredibly skeptical, but she followed anyway. I wasn’t telling her any more than she had already pried out of me. It would be hard to anyway when I didn’t even know what was going on up in my head.

The only thing I could keep looking forward to was summer being just around the corner. The whole reason behind John coming to my apartment was to study for our finals. After this next week, we would be free. Damn straight I was ready for summer. It didn’t take much to know I wasn’t much of a school person. I would much rather be home with my laptop, music, and food that would surely rot my stomach over being bored shitless in front of a teacher I may or may not have a developed hatred for. With Bro being gone for most of the day, and night for that matter, I was perfectly fine with being on my own. Though, the summer also brought something I was secretively (not) going to enjoy much more than not having school. Maybe I was a tad too hopeful, but it didn’t show outside of my whirling thoughts. I had an entire summer where I could do anything I wanted; I had an entire summer with John. From what I knew, I was one of the only friends he had that lived so close. Being mere walking distance from each other, I knew we’d already be seeing quite a bit of each other. Not that I was bothered by this in any way.

For right now, I just had to get through next week. Decent enough grades on my exams would push me to the next year. I wasn’t necessarily bad in school, but the average grades I did get are acceptable enough for me to care less than some people. Some people including John. He cared a relatively a lot more than I do. Thusly, I was spending my Friday night studying instead of doing what I really wanted to; nothing.

But I couldn’t exactly complain about everything, because hey, any time with John was fine with me.

By the time school was over and I was outside, shifting my weight from one foot too the other, I was just ready to go home. It was hot and the dry breeze wasn’t helping anything. My tongue was getting rough and the dryness of my mouth is one of the worse feelings I could imagine. People were scurrying out of the school, down the street and into the various cars or busses. My back pack was growing uncomfortably heavy, so I switched the shoulder I kept it on. John seriously needed to hurry up or I was going to leave his ass. With another minute of complaining in my head I was ready to go after him, but then he came bursting through the front door with two other guys, laughter tumbling down the concrete steps. The immediate reactions set in: jaw clenching, grip tightening on the strap of my backpack, glare already threatening to form. I would never admit to the sickening jealousy I got every time I saw something like this. It didn’t make sense. I had no ownership over John nor did I have control over his actions, but damn it I wanted to be the cause of that laughter. But there it always was; wiggling in the pit of my gut and making my feet move without consent. I walked, harder than my normal lagging pace, until I was at the base of the stairs. They stopped in their tracks, John on one lower than the other two. I had two gleams of blue and a grin on me, but also four other eyes were staring me down with perched brows and the anticipation for the reason of my presence.

I shrugged my backpack on a bit more, clearing my throat. “You ready?”

He looked back to the other two who promptly said their goodbyes before the three of them waved. John popped down the few steps between us. Landing with a smack against the concrete beside me, he hooked both thumbs in the straps of his bag.

“Ready.” He announced just after we began walking.

“Got your books?”

“Yes mother, I have my books.”

“Not trying to be your mother, I just don’t want to be the one studying while you laze around and fail your exams next week.”

My hand waved flippantly. “Eh, I’ll pass.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure you will. But there are petting things than just passing you know.” He muttered after he pushed my shoulder, laughing and shaking his head.

“Like sitting on my ass and doing nothing maybe?”

“No!” He exclaimed. “More like, oh I don’t know, getting an A?”

“Sounds boring.”

“God, you’re so lazy.”

I smirked with a small snort. “You know it. I make being lazy cool.”

“Sure, because you’re Dave motherfucking Strider- coolest cool guy of cool.”

“Damn Straight.”

”Really, you’re more insufferable than anything else.”

“You say that with a laugh.” I noted, hearing the small chuckle through his words.

“Because it’s funny.”

“And hy’s that?”

“Just like I said, you’re insufferable. And yet, I’m still best friends with you.”

“We’re friends _because_  I’m insufferable.” His face grew a little confused. “You couldn’t stand being around nice people.”

“Oh really?”

“Really.” I continue with a short nod. “Nice people are boring.”

“Hey, I’m nice!” His protest added with the balling of his fists didn’t even make him look mad. My mind- damn the things- only made it look cute.

“You’re an asshole Egbert. No questions about that.”

He opened his mouth, but then just laughed with that lovely grin. “Yeah, that’s true. I cant even deny it.”

“That’s right. So me being insufferable and you being an asshole makes our broship what it is.”

Another loud laugh came, making the corners of my mouth twitch upwards.

“Broship? Sure, when is that a word?”

“Since forever. You kidding me? The gods used to bask in the glory of their broships. Primitive races drew memorials to the great broships of their ancestors. From the beginning of time-”

“Okay, okay!” He was already thrown into a small fit of laughter. “I get it.”

I merely stuffed my hands in my pockets and let the tiniest, proud smile come back to my lips because damn, I was glad I was the one making him smile and laugh this time.

"Just shut up will ya?"

"Since when do I ever do that?"

"Oh right I forgot." He stuck his hands out in front of him and lowered his voice. "Dave Strider, closet rambler."

"Since when am I I the closet about being a rambler?"

"Since you only do it around me Jade or Rose."

I shrugged, but he shook his finger at that.

"No it's true. Everyone else I know thinks you never talk. And when I tell them that all you do it spout nonsensical bullshit all the time they don't believe me! Some of them told me they've never even heard your voice."

"Well, maybe they're just not the people I feel the need to talk to." Shit, there I go. Defensive wall: activated.

"Besides there's special about what I say or how I sound so they shouldn't care either way."

"But they don't know how cool you actually are. Like I'm sure they'd all want to be your friend if they knew how funny you are."

Ohoho isn't he wrong on that fact. The only way they'd find me funny is if they could get past the dickish facade of my personality. There was a reason I didn't like to talk to people. A reason John apparently didn't see.

"Yeah, I guess I just don't need that many friends."

"You should still come eat with me at lunch one day. They're super cool guys."

"No cooler than me though, right?" I said it strongly and full of convincing sarcasm, but I really just felt the need for reassurance right now. Not so much that I was cool, but more along the lines that I desperately yearned to always have a significant place in his mind. And if that meant hiding behind an egotistical facade, so be it. I was just glad it didn't show through my voice.

"Oh of course not." He replied cheekily, nudging me with his elbow.

I can't explain nor did I want to recognize how much relief that brought to me.

 

 

Later that night, I found myself knee deep in books with a fried brain. I hadn’t studied this much in years, and now I remembered why. I wanted to throw the books against the wall at this point and give up- oh but John wouldn’t have that. Every time I’d try to slack off, he’d call me some name and make me read something to him. We were sitting in the floor while I was reading through vocabulary that I really only half paid attention to before mindlessly turning the page as he was working through a bunch of math problems I had completely forgotten from last semester.  I smacked shut the book in my hands and tossed it to the floor, leaning back against the side of my bed.

“You hungry?”

He finished scribbling down a few numbers before looking up. His brows were still scrunched from concentration, but they soon loosened. “Huh?”

“Are you hungry?” I repeated, jumping up to my feet. “You know, food? A necessity for life and all that?”

“Screw you, I know what food it. I just didn’t hear you, but yeah- I guess I could eat something.”

I hummed as a response while opening the door to the hall.

“Oh hey Dave, do you have a calculator I could borrow? Forgot mine.”

I turned back around and pointed to my desk. “Top drawer.”

“Thanks.” He got to his knees and pulled it open before I left.

Walking a few steps down the hall, I stood in front of Bro’s door knocking my fist against it. “Bro, open up.” No answer came, so I knocked a little harder. “Bro.” I kept knocking, continually making them louder before the door swung open. My head has to tip back from his height once he towered over me. Headphones around his neck explained why he didn’t answer the door. He removed his hat, giving a scratch to his head before twisting it back on. “We’re hungry.”

He stared down at me for another moment, but eventually turned and wandered back to his computer. “I’ll order some pizza in a minute. Just shut the door, alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just tell me when it gets here.”

I spun back on my heels, to return to my room. After walking in the door, I stopped when I was met with an unwanted sight. John was sitting where I last saw him, but in his lap was a box he never should have found. Photos were strewn across the floor and he had a couple in his hands as he dug through the box. I shut the door behind me and his eyes flicked up. I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me to it.

“Did you take these?”

I hesitated for a minute before sitting in front of him and nodding. “Yeah.”

“They’re amazing! Like, wow, you’re really good at this.”

I couldn’t deny the fact that made me want to smile. Photography had always been something I didn’t tell many people about. I never really saw a reason in showing people the things I took pictures of. I had first started at the beginning of middle school to pass the time, but when it really stroke my interest, Bro pulled some extra money together and bought me a pretty amazing camera. Even though he doesn’t say much about it, he takes a look at them every now and then. I kept them in that box and stowed away in my desk. You’d think no one would snoop through it, but I guess I was mistaken. And oh god, now he was looking at them. It was an odd feeling of exposure that I got from this. He was just looking at them, but something about it made me slightly uncomfortable.

“These are crows right?” He commented, pulling me out of my thoughts as five or six pictures were tossed onto the pile.

“Uh, yeah.” I picked them up, inspecting them like I’d done ten times over. I always looked back over them, seeing what ways I could make them better and which lighting or settings worked better. “I’ve always found them cool. Solitary and tentative, but they’re so intelligent. It’s scary how smart some of them are, or how big they are. Definitely wouldn’t want one to attack you. Jackdaws, Rooks, Magpies, Ravens; something about them is just- _interesting_. Like holy shit, you’d think ‘how can a bird actually be cool’, but they are. You can apparently keep them as pets and shit, but I like just seeing them outside. I think seeing a Raven would be awesome one day. They’re huge and menacing. Who wouldn’t want to see one-”

“Dave.”

My head rose. He was staring right at me, blank expression before a small smile curved his mouth.

“You’re rambling about birds.”

My mouth was still open from talking, but I promptly shut it and cleared my throat. Damn I was. Really, I had half-forgotten he was there. I was more just speaking my thoughts out loud. I really needed to stop doing that.

“But I do agree, they’re pretty cool. I didn’t know those things, but yeah, they’re definitely cool. And so are these pictures. I’d love to see more of them.” He glanced down to the pile, picking them up and returning them to the box. “If you take more, can I see?”

“Sure.” The word left my mouth before I gave it consent, but I wanted to show someone. It felt nice being appreciated for once. And being appreciated by John was even better. “Let’s finish up though- pizzas coming soon.”

Dinner came and the three of us devoured two pizzas before collapsing onto the couch and fighting over what lame movie we were going to watch. Eventually we flipped a coin and John won, (of course he won) so we were left watching some shitty movie he had packed that was called something I don’t care about. It was unfairly long, and by the end, we were all but passing out on the couch. As the credits rolled, I shut the t.v. off before we wandered tiredly off to my room. He gathered up his clothes and went to bathroom while I changed into sweat pants and an old t-shirt. When he returned, he didn’t even ask before climbing up in my bed and wiggling over until he was up against the wall. Given my bed was big enough for two people, but I hadn’t had a sleep over in years; probably ever since John stayed over last in like fourth grade. I tried not to let my hesitance show as I slipped in next to him and pulled the covers up. Reaching over, I flicked the lamp on my nightstand off before turning on my side and curling an arm between my head and the pillow. He rolled over as well- his glasses were somewhere else. He probably left them in the bathroom but damn, even in the dark his eyes were bright. It was almost taunting how close he was, but I knew well enough I could do absolutely nothing about it.

“Are you kidding me, Dave?” His voice came out quiet and with an almost silent laugh.

“What?” I replied in an equally quiet tone. My voice seemed to do that. I would only be as loud as the other people around me; usually quieter though.

“You’re really going to wear those silly shades to sleep?”

Well shit, I had completely forgotten. Half the time I never remembered they were there because I got so used to the feeling of them being on my face.

“Come on, I’ve seen your eyes before. You know I think they’re cool. And don’t even blame it on the light, it’s completely dark in here. So you have no escapes Strider. Remove thy shades. King’s orders.”

“You’re no king Egbert.” I scoffed, trying my best to distract him.

“You don’t think I could be a king?”

“Nah, you need a little less power than that.”

He thought for a moment, humming before grinning. “How about a prince?”

I mimicked his hum and replied in the same tone. “Yeah that works.”

“Alright then I, Prince Egbert, Heir to the throne order it.”

“Taking things a little too far.” I mocked.

“Stop stalling Dave. I never understand why you put up so much of a fight about this.”

“Fine, Jesus. Don’t get your panties in a wad about it.” I grumbled, reaching up and pulling them from my face.

Oh, there was definite reluctance in the action when I stopped just before sliding them completely away. However, he sighed and it made me slip them completely off and fold them. Reaching behind me and placing them on the nightstand, I rolled back into place. It took me another few seconds entirely to actually make my eyes go back to his face, but once they did, he was staring and grinning at me. Damn it I always felt so exposed without them on, but I couldn’t be a completely pansy about it. But he was just staring at me and I wanted desperately to look away. I couldn’t though; I was trapped by the blue again. And oh for god’s ever loving sake all I wanted to do was reach up and touch his cheek, brush his hair back, and _holy shit, I really just wanted to kiss him and there was no denying it anymore I was completely lost in my affection for this kid._

“Welp, g’night Dave.” He whispered, once again breaking my train of thought, before snuggling down into his pillow, curling the cover up under his chin, and closing his eyes.

After countless minutes of me not being able to sleep while he was laying there with only the quiet sound of his breathing, I let my hand snake out from the cover and carefully poke his cheek. I wanted to make sure he was awake, and when I got no movement of speech in response, I retracted my hand. As quietly as I could, I slid from the bed and tiptoed over to my desk. Slowly opening the bottom drawer, I pulled out my camera. Moving back over, I sat back down on the bed with one of my knees up and my other foot still on the ground. Turning it on, I blacked out the screen and turned the flash off before pulling it up to my face. I didn’t care if this was creepy or invading of his space, I really didn’t want to forget the calm face he had right now. So I took the picture and stowed my camera away and slid back into bed before he could suddenly wake up or I would do something I would ultimately regret. And I turned my back to him, not being able to look at his face any longer without the tiniest pang of hurt running through my chest knowing nothing more would come out of any of this. I shut my eyes, and despite the minutes I laid there not being able to do anything but listen to him breathing, I stopped thinking and finally fell asleep.

Before I knew what was happening, my mind stirred, but my eyes remained closed. The nerves on the underside of my arm tingled. Four points of contact, four finger tips. They brushed up my arm. Slowly tracing pale, freckled skin and tickling as they went. Only did they stop at my wrist to run over the soft bumps of veins before moving on. Dipping down into my palm and back up. Each finger fell in between one of mine making my hand splay open and welcome them. Just then, all ten digits curled and hands interlocked. There was a light squeeze that made my eyes flutter open. Two pairs were void of any coverage. Glasses gone from both of us. Even in the darkness, that blue was unbelievably bright as it met red. Just over our hands I could make out his smile. Softer than usual and held a certain affection that I longed for. Those long lashed blinked slowly; breaths were quiet, keeping my nerves calm enough not to completely flip out. We laid there, staring softly at each other until he moved. Pulling our joined hands down, he wiggled closer. I could feel the warmth of him making my throat close and swallowing difficult. Though, he never once stopped smiling. Those teeth jutting out just barely. I watched them come closer and closer until my eyes dared to cross. I looked back up then, eyes slowly scanning over his features. Once they locked with his eyes, everything was lost. The tiny amount of space between us was going to be gone. The feeling of his breath near my lips was almost too much. It was taunting more than anything. But he was coming closer still, inching forward bit by bit and soon the desperately wanted contact would be achieved. Finally he would close the final inch and- just-

 

My eyes shot open when a thud hit my chest. The ceiling was above me, not John's face. The warmth was farther away. His hand wasn't grasping mine; it had just clumsily landed on my chest. Sunlight shone through the room not the dark moonlight. My head fell to the side to find a snoring John sprawled across the other side of the bed. A long sigh clawed its way out of my throat as I tossed his hand off me. Almost instantly, the heels of my hands dug deep into my eyes.

What the fuck kind of dream was that?

I groaned a bit as I moved and made my libs crack and pop as they stretched out. Sitting up, the cover fell from my chest and my eyes blinked before squinting a bit. The sunlight was harsh and especially since it was early, it made my eyes burn. With one hand cupped over my forehead, shielding them, I pulled the covers down and under my legs. Sliding down the bed, I landed on my bare feet before walking around the bed and grabbing my shades. Immediate relief washed over them as the tinted lenses allowed them to open as it blocked out the light. I then turned, half stumbling to the door before opening it and continuing the muggy-legged wandering down the hall. A hand ran through messy hair, trying my best to at least fix it a little until I gave up and let it smack back against the side of my leg. When my feet reached the end of the hall, they stopped as my nose was met with an overwhelming sensation of sweet and salty aromas. The sizzling of oil in a pan mixed with the bubbling fry of eggs was enough to wake my senses up all the way.

“G’morning Strider!” An overly chipper and accented voice called out way too loud for this early.

I winced away from the voice a bit before turning my head to stare at Jake who has happily shuffling a few pieces of sausage around in a pan. Clad in an anything but manly apron, he turned to flip a few pancakes before going back to the pan and beaming a grin at me.

An arm wrapped around my throat, jerking me back into the hard surface of my brother’s chest. “Good to see the little shit stain finally decided to grace us with his presence.” He said, a chuckle slipping in as he tightened his hold before dropping it completely and walking into the kitchen with the scratch of his stomach. Winding his arms around Jake’s waist, he put his head on his shoulder but continued to talk to me. “Where’s your little ‘not boyfriend’? Bet he’s tired from the inevitable hardcore cuddle jams you two probably had last night.”

I could feel my face growing hot, but I pushed away any notion that I may blush. I would not let that happen. Instead, I tucked my chin down just in case to walk over and stiffly sit into one of the chairs at the small table we had.

“Can it with that already. I won’t be having him hear your asshole bullshit.”

“That’s not denial.” He cooed, obviously more than amused by continuing his incessant taunting. My eyes cut up; just enough to send a warning glare of the top of my shades. His grin just grew a bit before he hummed to himself. “Thought so.”

Bro one; Dave zero.

He dipped a finger in the large bowl of batter on the counter, but a hand quickly smacked the back of his wrist.

“Dammit Dirk, keep you filthy mits outa there!”

But that only made him snicker quietly while licking the batter off.

“Well, all and all, it’s good. I guess I’ll keep you around.” He hummed a little, walking back out from the counter and sitting across from me.

There was a loud guffaw that tumbled out. “Special recipe from dearest Jane. Her baking skills are so exceptionally superb. When she asked if I wanted the recipe, how could I ever say no?”

While they continued on with their pointless banter, I was still off sulking from the previous close call I had with my damned brother spilling the secret (apparently not so secret), foolish crush on the biggest dork I’d come to know. This sulking of course meant an even more placid expression that usual, squished up by the fists on either of my cheeks.

Within a few minutes, the shuffling of feet traveled down the hall before John emerged. Hair all ruffled and one hand rubbing his eyes and pushing his glasses up before yawning, dammit, dammit, just dammit- too cute for a geeky guy.

My arms fell, crossing on the table as I raised my head. He straightened his glasses back out, flashing that grin at me before being struck by Jake’s bellowing voice. It snapped me right out of my momentary lapse in concentration of not letting these feelings get the better of my judgment.

“Well, hello there!” Cutting off a couple burners, he came whipping around the counter and straight over to John with an extended hand. “Jake English, pleasure to meet you.””

John stared at him, wide eyes, for a moment. Almost hesitantly, he reached forward but soon broke back into a wide smile and grasped his hand.

“John Egbert.”

“Well isn’t that nifty! Our initials match.”

“Yeah- I guess… I guess they do!”

They both fell into a fit of laughter before John moved to sit beside me and Jake returned to the kitchen. Plating things and bringing them over, he put them down before sitting on my other side. Almost immediately the two of them plunged right back into conversation about the most random of things. The copious amount of topics seemed to always come back to a wide array of the shittiest movies in history. Bro and I stayed relatively quiet, eating what we could as while observing the two. When either of them said something and made the other one bust out into laughter we always shared that special look of confusion hidden under condescension. It began to become apparent how scarily alike they were. Despite Jake’s- interesting, way of speaking, the mannerisms and the quality, or lack thereof, of their jokes were almost identical. Jake spent time telling stories of his adventures through the wild across the country (I’m seriously not kidding about the whole mountain man spiel, I mean come on, really? Can people not see it?) and these just awed John. But in return, hee shared much of his knowledge pertaining to pranking; much to my brother’s discontent. He’s about as fond, and maybe even less, of the pranks as I am.

And by the time breakfast was over, they had covered every topic imaginable. I was almost surprised how well they hit it off, but taking their interests and over all persona into consideration, I really souldn’t have been.

“Well, this was great, but I’ve got o be off. Duty calls. It was mighty fine meeting you, John.” He pushed back from the table, standing and turning.

“It was- uh, jolly good meeting you too!”

A large barreling laugh erupted from Jake’s throat at the use of the words. “Exactly! You’re a swell fella, I hope these two don’t scare you off.” He opened the door and waved. “Goodbye Strider- ah, Striders. Heh.”

Bro hopped to his feet, swallowing a bite of food and hurrying over to the door. Layering a quick peck to Jake’s cheek he returned the goodbye and moved into the kitchen to begin cleaning up the dishes. John tapped my shoulder, and gave me a questioning look as I turned my head back. I tilted my head a bit, unsure what he needed but he just flicked his head up. I looked back to Bro who was busily washing dishes, my expression just as confused when my eyes fell back on him. He gave a quiet sigh, taking hold of my arm and pulling me up. He tugged me down the hall without a word until we were in y room and the door was shut.

“So…” He began, but trailed off, seeing to lose all his momentum for talking.

I paused to see if he would continue, but as usual, he didn’t. “So?”

“Your brother.” He finally spoke up, but those two words were apparently all I was going to get.

“What about him?”

He stopped again, giving me a look I wasn’t exactly sure how to describe.

“And Jake.”

Now his eyes were down cast and his fore fingers were pushing against each other in front of his chest. “They’re…”

“They’re-” The lack of eye contact, awkward movements, sudden flee from the room. It clicked. “Oh.”

His eyes flicked back up, but immediately shot down yet again. “yeah, so that’s a thing?”

All I could do was nod. “That’s a thing.” I repeated. “Has been for, hell- I don’t even know how long. A couple years at least.”

“I see.” He began moving around, picking up his things and putting them into a bag on my bed.

I turned to face him as he scurried about. “Something wrong with that?”

“No- I mean, I guess not. I just… wasn’t expecting it.”

I shrugged, plopping onto my bed beside his bag and leant back on my hands.

“I’m used to it.”

“Is it not weird?”

“Nah, they’re pretty disgustingly affectionate all the time. You’re lucky; that was the PG showing. You don’t want to know what I’ve accidentally witnessed.” I cringe just at the memory. I will never come home early again. Even if I was sick, that was an overly hairy site that no one should be mentally scarred with seeing.

He grimaced at the comment before shaking his head. “Oh god, no- just, I meant in general.”

My brows furrowed a bit, but I didn’t exactly know what he was asking (surprise, surprise)

“You know…” He fidgeted. This kid was so awkward sometimes. “With them being guys and all.”

Oh-

Oh.

Oh.

So that’s what bothered him,

Well-

Shit.

“You mean to ask, does it bother me that they’re gay?”

He nodded slowly, taking a bite at his lip.

“No.” Maybe that answer came a bt too fast, but it didn’t. How could it? Sure, the affection made me want to gag, but I’m pretty sure that’s the normal reaction for someone seeing their brother sucking face with someone. We’re not even going to mention the fact of me still trying to suppress my maybe-slightly-kind-of-definitely-for-sure-no-denying-it home feelings towards John.

“Does it bother you?”

“No!” He chirped back. His answer was even quicker than mine, but his tone was a lot higher and clipped. Not very convincing in the least. “I mean, it’s their life, and I guess they can do whatever they want. It was just- just a little shocking. I wouldn’t have expected it just looking at them. Not that that’s a bad thing! Like it’s totally cool. I just-”

“John.”

He snapped his jaw shut and the shortness of my voice and stared at me.

“Stop blabbering, it’s cool. I get it.”

He took a deep breath and nodded.

“I wouldn’t choose that life, so I guess it’s just a tad weird to me.”

And there it is.

I can’t say my stomach sank, but those words surely didn’t make me feel good.

“Yeah, I got that. It’s-” Tie to swallow my pride and any shread of emotion I still have that isn’t complete denial. “Weird. It doesn’t bother me… but- I don’t really like it either.”

Relief seemed to wash over him, but I could only feel rigid.

“Oh, good. I was afraid you were going to think I’m like some homophobe or something.” He laughed a little awkwardly, zipping his bag up. “I’m not- just making that clear- I’m just a little uncomfortable around that kind PDA… You know?”

My chest was tight, jaw clenched, and hands in tight fists behind my back, but I managed a stiff nod anyway.

“Yeah, totally.”

Combing his hair down and slinging the bag over his shoulder, he smiled brightly with a wave. “Well, either way, I should be heading home now. This was fun, so we should do it again. But hey,” He pointed at me, giving a serious expression before it melted quickly back into a grin. “My house next time.”

“Mhm. Definitely.”

Good thing my voice was solid. He may have sensed something (probably not) if it hadn’t been, but his feet were moving so I stepped out of his way. He popped on his shoes and left my room with another wave, but I remained in my room even after I heard the front door shut.

Damn it all to hell

My eyes stayed on the floor, staring blankly until I calmed my nerves. One of those fists uncurled and ran tugging fingers through my hair before swiping it back into place. The sigh that escaped was shaking as it pushed through parted lips. I quickly brought myself back with the abrupt shake of my head. Heavy feet drug me from the room and back out through the hall. Bro was finishing up the dishes when I returned. He turned his head up with the sound of my footsteps and my voice.

“John left.” I said deadpanned.

“I saw.” He replied before continuing to scrub at the plate. “He and Jake seemed to hit it off.” Pushing the facet handle with his wrist, he shut the water off and placed the dish in the drainer. He then dried his hands off, moving over to the couch and falling into it.

“Yeah, that was clear. It’s like they’re the same.”

“Exactly. Pretty much what I expected.”

My brows twitched as I moved closer to the front of the couch.

“Why’s that?”

His head titled back so he could look up at me.

“Because, he’s your dork.”

The statement was so blunt, and he thought it would make immediate sense to me by the tone in his voice. However, when I just stood there silently, he sighed.

“You’re a Strider.” He paused, giving a light shrug. “We have a thing for dorks.”

“Bro, I’m-”

“Ah, shut the fuck up, will ya Dave?” He waved his hand as his voice reigned over mine. “You don’t think I can see things about my own brother? You seem to forget I can tell everything you’re thinking pass that wall of ‘cool and irony’. And right now, I know you’ve been fawning over that boy for months now. So stop being a little shit about it and denying what’s pretty damn obvious.”

I stood there with my jaw a little slack and an obviously confused daze. He just stared right back without saying another word. I collapsed into the space beside him, a defeated sigh leaking out. Bringing my knees up, I wrapped my around them and huffed quietly.

“What’s the big deal with you admitting it little man? I mean, shit- you don’t have to worry bout me or nothin. You know this won’t even register on my give a shit bar.”

Damn, he was trying to be supportive. I couldn’t just blow him off, but it was creepy unusual. Tentatively, I reached up and slid my shades from my face. He needed to know this wasn’t the time to push me or make jokes. We had this sort of deal. If either of us removed the very thing that made us feel secure, those iconic masks of assholery, the other did as well. Then was the time to do some serious talking; no pricking or prying, just listening. It was one of the only times when we weren’t at each other’s throats and being utter dicks. We were actually brothers for once.

Customarily, as soon as I had started the action, he was right behind me. Both pairs were folded on the back of the couch when I turned to face him with my legs brought down to a crossed position. It certainly was intimidating; staring into light orange irises instead of walls of black. No shades. No shield. His eyes were even more fierce than I had remembered from the few times I’ve seen them. I swallowed hard, opening my mouth repeatedly before the words finally toppled out.

“Yeah, alright. I’m gay. Or- at least I think. I don’t really know.” My eyes strayed. To the ceiling, the kitchen, the couch. Basically anything that wasn’t his face. “It’s new? I don’t know what to call it.”

“You like him though? Oh, wait. I said that wrong. You like, like him.”

Obvious mockery.

My fingers began to twiddle a bit and my eyes still wouldn’t meet his, but he cleared his throat loudly. That made me snap back. I straightened up and my hands stopped. Head flicking back with my eyes staring at his again. His furrowed brows loosened. I was back in the right mind set. If ever let my emotions get the better of me, he’d set me straight. I need to be strong and solid- not timid. Timidity was weakness to a Strider. Emotions weren’t something that could get the better of us.

Well, at least that’s what he led me to believe.

“Yes.” I replied, but then layered on the annoyed tone. “I like, like him.”

“Then what’s the problem? Because frankly I feel the strong need to punch you every time you come moping around here.”

“John’s not gay.”

“And?”

My face scrunched. What does he mean ‘and’? You’d think the problem would be obvious- apparently not to this dickwad. “And he made it pretty fucking clear he’s not.” My hands moved out in front of me, point to myself and back out. “And thusly: I. Am attracted. To a guy. Who is straight. Problem seems clear as fucking day light to me.”

“Ah shit, that’s not a problem.” He all but scoffed, eyes actually rolling. That’s definitely something I’m not used to seeing. “You think I won Jake over willy-nilly? Hell no, but you’re a fucking Strider. We can get anybody we want. Now stop being a little pussy and buck up. Besides, you’ll have plenty of chances, so it’s not like you have to do it right now.”

“And why will I have many chances?”

“Like I said, he’s your dork.”

“I still don’t understand what the hell that means.” I shrug, slumping back into the arm of the couch.

“We find a dork, and that’s it. You can’t get away now.” He stood up, giving a hard pat to my shoulder. “You may think it’s nothing right now, but it’s not going top go away. So don’t stop because you pansy ass feelings are hurt. And good luck kid. This isn’t going to be easy.”

With that, he pocketed his hands and strolled off down the hall I was left on the couch with the shut of his bedroom door.

There was my brother being helpful- and damn was he right. All I could think about were how true those words felt.

This wasn’t going to go away-

And it sure as hell wasn’t going to be easy.


	10. Chapter 10

My exams flew by. I passed all of them, and actually did better that I usually did. When John heard this, he accredited it all to himself, saying I wouldn’t have done it if he hadn’t forced me to study. That was entirely true, but I wasn’t about to let him gloat about it for the next two months. Now a week into summer, I had those two and a half months to do whatever I pleased. I was sunny and hot all week, perfect weather with clear skies. Most would think I’d be having the best time of my life, but what was I doing? I was lying with my head in my sister’s lap complaining because John is stupid.

Last week, Rose had been busy in her own world, studying her best to keep her perfect grades and ace all her exams. And as of this past week, he mother went through her usual clinging phase of spending ever second with her and doing pointless things only to pass it off as “Mother-Daughter bonding”. I finally had my needed therapy time now that she was finally free from the parental grasp of an alcoholic, slurring mother hen. Given the fact that sometimes I didn’t mind rose’s incessant need to analyze every part of my life.

This night, I didn’t even know what time it was. All I knew is that it was dark and I was tired. But we were down a jug of chocolate milk and a package of Oreos. This was about the time that the sleepy rambling ensued. I was that time in the middle of the night, on the verge of passing out, when there was no control over your words or the thoughts that aimlessly passed through your lips.

There were fingers curling through my hair and a quiet humming as I talked. Every now and then, she’d interject to add a comment, but for the most part just let run with the babbles she usually stopped.

“So, are you out now?” The blatancy of the question caught me off guard- it really shouldn’t have with where the conversation was going and the fact that I was talking to Rose of all people, but… still

Even so, I still took a moment to let my eyes trail away before I said anything.

“I don’t know about that.” It came out in a mutter, but oh no, she wasn’t having that.

Cupping my cheek, she brought my face back to make me stare straight up at her.

“Are you, or are you not? It’s a rather simple question.”

We had a small staring battle, even with my shades; she knew exactly where my eyes were. I never quite knew why I did this; she always won, so there was really no point. A held in breath leaked out before the rest of my reluctant words.

“Not really.”

He knee jerked up knocking my head right into the hand that she moved in front of my forehead. There was a smack against it before my head fell back into her lap. She was quick. Kudos on that one.

“Not an answer.”

“I’m not to- well everyone,” She opened her mouth, nut I cut back in. “But. I am to you.”

“Doesn’t count. I knew it before you did.”

“And Bro.”

“And I bet he took it horribly. She drawled out sarcastically.

“He was more like you. Kind of willed me, more bothered, me to admit it. My guessing is by now the dick’s told Jake about it too- and if we’re really lucky your mom and Jane as well.

“I never quite understood how the four of them became friend. Or even acquaintances for that matter.” Rose commented as she returned to scratching lightly through my hair.

“I wonder that about out little group as well.” I replied as my eyes slipped closed with the comforting sensation.

“Well, I’ve known you since your babbling infancy, Jade could befriend a rock, and John is just enough of an ass to not get on the verge of your tolerance. There is a fine line of annoying you and having the capability to actually entertain your egotistical persona that he has seemed to flawlessly cross.”

“I think that’s a compliment.”

“It was not.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m not taking it as one.”

“More importantly,” She began- I already knew this wasn’t going anywhere good. “Does John know?”

“Fuck no.” I cut back quickly with a certain bite that I in no way intended. “Would you like me to die of humiliation?”

“I can’t say it wouldn’t be an entertaining sight.”

I flailed my hand, smacking whatever I could without opening my eyes.

“Well I’m not going to.”

“Wouldn’t it be better if he knew of your infatuation?”

“Hell no, he’d be disgusted.”

She sighed, and with my eyes opening, I could see her pursed lips. She tugged at a strand of my hair in a disgruntled manor to show her annoyance.

“And just how do you know that? John could very well be in hiding about his sexuality.”

“No, let’s go with the fact that he had a disgusted look when Bro even _kissed_ Jake’s cheek. Or that he flat out told me he thinks it’s weird.”

There was a scoff from above as she waved her free hand.

“I feel I should comment on the fact that many people hiding their sexuality are resentful and even mock what they wish they could be open about.”

“Can you please stop saying the word sexuality? You and sexy should not be in the same sentence.”

Another tug at my hair. “Oh I’m flattered- thank you, David.”

“I’m just sayin’.”

“Well, ‘I’m just sayin’’” She added with a mocking tone. “That you might need to remember a few weeks back. Your denial was pretty strong. You bashed your current choosing pretty hard”

“He’s not gay, Rose.”

“You never know.” She cooed, leaning down a bit to stare directly at me.

“He’s not. I replied just as strong.

“Tsk, tsk, such a pessimist.

“I’m being realistic- you’re the pessimist of the group.

“True, but She started moving her knees again and pulling her hand from my hair. “I’m tired and you’re being mopey.”

 

Another week passed without me leaving my house all that much. I still had barely seen anyone all summer. Other than the occasional day with Rose or meeting John for lunch or to play video games, my life was relatively boring. Boring up until the night almost everything I knew was a lie.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a jolt. Those damn reoccurring nightmares always waking me up. I sat up, hands rubbing my face before wiping the small amount of sweat from my forehead. Goddammit why was it always so hot during the summer?  Kicked the covers from my legs and swung my feet over the edge of the bed. I padded my way through the apartment, hands rubbing my eyes until I got into the kitchen. I grabbed a glass from the sink and filled it with water from the sink. Taking a sip, I sniffed while scratching my stomach and staring out towards the window across the room.

My attention was on that starlit sky and the bright moon until a quiet murmur from down the hall drew my eyes away. A dim light shone from the bottom of my brother’s bedroom door that was cracked open slightly.

I picked my glass up and moved back around from the counter. I tried my best not to make any noise as I crept closer to the door. The low sounds turned into actual word as I listened in. Jake's voice was the first thing I could manage to pick up on.

"You never really told me about your parents. I mean, even when we were young you didn't say much about them."

He was right, Bro never talked about our parents even to me. I went off of the vague memory and a few family photos that were for some reason hidden throughout the apartment.

"It's never very enjoyable to talk about people you hated."

His reply made me brows furrow and my feet to move even closer. My eyes poked through the crack in the doorway to see his head resting on Jake's and an arm wrapped around his waist. It was almost weird to see his shades discarded when he was around someone else, but I guessed it was kind of like the situation I had with John. After so long, something like an abnormal eye color only seems normal to them.

The situation I had with John plus the benefit of openly being able to love each other. Yeah, okay, that had to be nice.

But hate? He hated them? That had never been brought up... He never talked about them, but I didn't think that meant he hated them.

"But you never explained why. Gosh Dirk, for as long as I've known you all I've gotten is 'I hate them. I don't want to talk about it.' We've been dating for what? Almost six years- and you still don't have the gusto to tell me what happened?"

"I don't-"

"I know you don't want to talk about it, but I've let this go for too long."

"You do realize we have this exact conversation at least twice a year, right? And by the end you give up and we move on. Can't we just skip the fight this time and move on without us becoming pissed at each other?"

"'Fraid not. This time I'm not giving up."

"Stubborn ass." That gained him a flick to the head.

"For frigs flipping sake, Dirk. Why do you have to be so defensive?"

"Because," He muttered reluctantly. "Any time I just think about them I get angry."

The hand that flicked him soon moved into his hair and began scratching lightly.

"But why?"

He took a deep breath that came out as a sigh. "Well, my mother was a bitch to start with. She always had been. When I was really young, I can remember her being nicer, but she was young. I mean, she was sixteen when she got pregnant; she had the time to be happy. But in the later years... Especially when Dave was born- she just, lost herself. By the time I was ten she was just bitter and narcissistic about everything."

"And your dad?"

"God, he's a whole different kind of dick. I don't think I've ever met a person I loathe more than I did that man. He was a jerk to me and to my mom. And you know about Rose. What kind of sick man does that? He was thirty one fucking years old. It was weird enough to be having a second child when I was eleven, but to knock up some girl like Roxy it's... It's-"

"So fucked up." Jake finished with the shake of his head.

"Exactly. Fucked up. And if things hadn't been bad enough around the house. When mom found out what he's done, I thought that was going to be it. But no, they stayed together because she was pregnant. They tried to use the excuse of a baby to be happy, but I knew it wouldn't last. And fucking Dave-"

He cut himself off, head turning down to burry itself in the other man's chest. Jake brought his face back up, brows creasing but nowhere as much as mine.

What about me?

"What about Dave?"

His expression was almost guiltily as he shook his head. "The kid's so fucked up." My grip on my glass tightened and a deep set frown hit my face. “He’s just fucking like him.” He continued with a slight hiss and a now a scowl.

“But you were nothing life your father- and I’m sorry if this bothers you, but you and Dave are like bark from the same tree.”

“That’s because I’ve made him that way. You knew how different he was when he was young. _That’s_ when he reminded me of him; when he was still alive. He was over emotional and never knew when to stop. I’ve tried to get Dave to believe he can’t let everything freak him out, and for the most part he’s done alright. Except now he thinks he can never let anything out and has to stay all tight and restricted all the time. And hell, he still doesn’t know when to just **stop**. They seclude themselves or fight back when they’re angry. I think that’s the one thing I’ll never be able to get out of him. Once the kid gets going, he’s going to yell until he’s broken down or someone’s punched him in the jaw.  It's fine when everything’s okay and normal, but the second he gets stressed or scared or angry, he becomes the man I hated for half my life. I’ve tried to change him- for the better. Make sure he wouldn’t end up the same way, but I think I’ve just fucked him up more.”

“But you have to realize he’s not your father.”

“I know… But can’t you see he’s too similar?”

“You can’t hate him because of genetics. He is your father’s child, and it’s not his fault that he took to his ways- it’s only natural.”

“I don’t hate him. Not anymore.”

“There was a time where you did though.”

“I know there was, but those times were different. Our parents were still alive, we were in danger and yet he was still this happy little kid. Mom cherished him- saying he was what kept our family together. We had been long broken though. He was an accident- _I_ was an accident. They were people never meant to have children. They never loved me. They never loved him. They only loved themselves.”

My grip got continuously tighter on the glass, my frown now turning into a glare. What’d he know? They loved me- I know they did. What place did he have saying they didn’t?

“Dirk…” Jake breathed out, a hand moving to slowly rub circles on his back. “That’s not true. Of course they loved you. You two were their children.”

“Parents don’t have to love their children, Jake.” He sat up before continuing strongly. “It’s not a requirement. People do have love for their children, but when they are unwanted and revered as nuisances, there is no love to be given. Would a mother who loves her children not feed them because all the money was wasted on alcohol and cigarettes? Would a father who loves his children beat them because he was drunk and they were just trying to get him to calm the fuck down before something worse happened?” His voice was continually rising. “Do I need to show you the scars again? Cause I will dammit! Broken bottles, knife cuts, cigarette burns, choose your liking, I’ve got plenty! I want you to look at them and then look me in the eyes and tell me he loved us. Just. Fucking. Try.”

“Calm down… It’s okay.” Jake offered meekly, moving his hand to touch gently at his arm.

He simply smacked the hand away with a quick bite back. “No! It’s really not. You wanted me to tell you about this, so I am. Because you are completely wrong. They didn’t love us.”

“Dirk-”

“Let me try this again. Would a man who could be happy in his marriage and life and hold any love at all for his wife and two sons seriously have enough hate built up in his pathetic body to actually fuck a sixteen year old? Waste every last penny either drinking or gambling it away until we were living off the cheapest food possible. Oh and then four hatred and shitty years later get so fucking drunk that he has enough livid courage to come home, shoot his wife- my fucking mother through the head, them himself, and leave me with a blood filled apartment and a crying toddler. Tell me Jake! Is that something a sane and happy man would do?!”

He was leaning over Jake now, fists in the sheets and his face redder than I had ever seen it. The amount of emotion he just let sip amazed even me. This wasn’t the person I knew. Everything he was saying were lies- they had to be lies. They couldn’t be true.

Jake was silent, eyes wide and mouth open a bit. Though, none of the silence mattered because I had dropped the glass in my hand. It fell to the ground and shattered on the wood floor just in front of me. Both heads snapped towards the door. For a moment, no one moved, but then, my brother stood. Stumbling a bit from a cover wrapped around his leg, he quickly recovered and walked to the doorway. I wanted to move, scurry back into my room and go to sleep again like I had never heard any of it. But I couldn’t. I was shaking, my feet frozen and heavy.

The door opened to expose me to the light of the bedroom. Jake was sitting up now and pulling on a shirt, but I could just feel eyes on me and the water running under my feet. It took all my will to force my head back to look up at him. Bro was towering over me, eyes narrow and mouth pulled into a thin line.

“Why are you awake?” He asked. It was clear he was trying to calm himself back down, but the flaring of his nostrils and the tightness of his features made it clear he was too angry for that now.

“Couldn’t sleep.” I replied, shaky and almost scared.

“How much did you hear?”

I finally managed to turn my expression into a scowl and drop my voice to an irate tone. “All of it.” I replied, clipped and solid.

His jaw noticeably clenched and a fist formed at his side. “You should go back to bed.” I shook my head. “Dave-”

“No. I need an explanation.”

“You’ve already heard it all, what else is there?”

“Why you’ve lied to me for ten years, jackass.”

“Now’s not the time. Go to bed.”

He began to turn, but I grabbed his arm and dug into his skin with my fingers. “We’re talking about it now.” I knew better than to stand up to my brother, but this was something he couldn’t blow off. I needed to know.

His other hand whipped around and grabbed hold of my wrist, bending it back until I let go out of pain and the risk of him breaking it.

“Watch yourself.” He hissed under his breath, full intensity of his unshielded eyes burning through me. “Now go.”

I jerked my hand back, staring directly up at him and gathering all my strength into my voice. “No. Tell me why you lied.”

He continued staring at me. I swear I saw a break in his expression just before he gave a small sigh.

“You were four. What was I supposed to do? You already cried enough just because they died, I couldn’t depress you even more by telling you the truth.”

“But what about now? I’m old enough to handle this sort of thing.”

He pointed to the shattered glass, flat expression returning. “Apparently not.”

“I found out through your yelling at Jake. What do you expect?”

“You’re supposed to be asleep.”

“Even if I was, your voice was loud enough that it would have woken me up anyway.”

“So you would have rather known this? Were you not satisfied with what I told you?”

“I was before I knew it was all a lie.”

 “Well either way, you know now.” He grabbed the door beginning to open it, but my hand shot to keep it open.

He stopped, glaring down at me. “Goodnight.”

“I’m not done yet.” I muttered, putting all my weight to keep the door open. “I need you to tell me something.”

He let go of the door, causing me to stumble forward a bit. I quickly tried to regain that built up confidence that was so easily shattered. He simply stared back don, waiting for the rest.

“Am I like him?” It sounded almost weak when I asked it like that, and the sudden flash of guilt that flicked across his eyes didn’t help. “You make him out to be awful, and I’m sure he was for what he did, but why am I so much like him?”

He shook his head a little.

“You’re a liar.”

“If that’s not the answer you wanted, why did you ask?”

“I wanted to know the truth- which you obviously can’t give.”

“Fine, once again, I will give you the information you would be just fine without.” He gripped the door frame, leaning down over me. “Yes, you’re like him. You are _exactly_ like him. You have a bad temper, a loud mouth, and you only pretend to be better than everyone. You may think you’re better- you can go along under the deception that every inkling of a feeling is kept up in you and no one knows what you’re feeling when in actuality, everyone with half a brain knows. You think you’re being so secretive all the time- let’s just take John into account.”

“Don’t bring john into this.” I cut in quickly.

 

“Let’s take John into account.” He repeated louder. “Do you seriously think no one can tell how much you fawn over him? We all knew even before you did. It’s _that_ obvious. And just like you did there, as soon as I mentioned something you didn’t want to talk about, it bothered you, didn’t it? You immediately wanted to change the subject .So yes Dave, you are exactly like him. Despite being a drunk, you are a little insensitive prick that will never be able to escape the spiraling circles of assholery and prudish attitude that you have so graciously inherited from our dick of a father. You will never be able to change, you will always be exactly like him, and no matter how much I desperately try, I will always see that fucking evil man that lives inside of you.”

It took a minute for all of that to sink in. His words had gone fast, each one pricking my skin with a painful hole that let all my confidence and strength leak out. I was deflating quickly and shaking even more now. If anyone could have insulted me more, it would have been a major accomplishment. He blatantly told me everything wrong about myself, shutting my pride down and killing me a little with each blow.

Without word, I turned and hurried into my room. I was scared but a blind fury had taken over. I grabbed the nearest bag I could, stuffing clothes and various objects into it. There was a thumping of feet down the hall. I whipped around, zipping the bag up, pulling some pants and my shoes on, and stuffing my phone in my pocket. When I turned around, I had expected to see Bro. Instead, Jake was standing in my doorway, with an extremely regretful look. I simply shook my head and angrily pushed past him.

“Don’t even try.” I grumbled, hopping over the broken glass and sending a very short glance to my brother who was now sitting, head in his hands, on the end of the bed. “Ass.” I whispered as I went, fleeing from the apartment without another glance.

With my feet pounding down the steps, my bag bouncing up and down on my back with every move, I skipped the last three and jumped to the bottom. My walk was haste, just below a run. I didn’t know where I was going- I knew this was dramatic, irrational, everything Bro taught me not to be, but I couldn’t stop. Through the empty lobby and out the doors, I kept going as fast as I could without jogging. It was pitch black outside. At night, it always got a little colder, but it was still relatively warm. But who am I kidding? My mind couldn’t give a flying fuck about the weather right now.  My feet against the sidewalk had an audible smack to it. I kept walking for at least another ten minutes before I wrenched my phone from my pocket. I quickly found Rose’s number and put the phone up to my ear- straight to voicemail.

“God dammit Rose, The one night I actually need to talk to you.” My voice came out in a hiss, but was obviously on the verge of breaking again. Shoving my phone back, I tightened my hold on the strap of my bag and raked an arm across my eyes. I wasn’t crying by the motion made me a little more willful to keep what may or may not be welling up in my eyes from falling.

How could this have happened? How could he not have told me? And now I was running away. It was so fucking typical of me. Bro was completely right- all I’m good at is complaining and running away. But what was he expecting from me? To dump all this shit on my life and lead himself to believe I wouldn’t freak out- and then to compare me to him just because I reacted to the fact my entire memory of my life was basically a lie. He was being the irrational one. He had no right to hide this from me for so long. He-

My foot hit concrete. It stopped moving along with the other and my body had to jerk to keep from falling over. They were at the bottom of a couple steps. My head tipped back, staring up at the white, two story house in front of me. How did I not expect this is where I was going to go? Of course.

I climbed the few steps, stopping once again in front of the door. My fist my raised and inches from the door, but multiple breaths fell from parted lips before I could desperately try to gather any shred of courage back. As my test began to tighten from the thoughts still whirling in my head, I needed relief more than anything. That necessity made my fist begin to pound against the door. I felt awful for coming here in the middle of the night, waking them up, but I needed to be somewhere other than that apartment. I needed people who didn’t make me want to yell and rip my hair out. So I continued the beating of my fist until I heard a couple locks click. It dropped by to my side then while I stared at the door expectantly. When it was open, the tall man in front of me stood with a bat in one hand and tired, but still alert eyes open wide. Once he recognized my face, his muscles relaxed and he sighed rather angrily.

“David, why are you here? It’s the middle of the night, and you should be asleep.” He sat the bat down against the door frame and turned back to me. It was clear his eyes caught my bag because his face was changing to even more confusion. “Why do you have a bag?”

“Mr. Egbert,” I began, voice cracking even just through that. I cleared my throat and tried against despite my shaking limbs. “I- I had a fight with my brother. I really just needed to get out of the house. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but believe me, I couldn’t stay there. I can explain-”

“Stop.” He said strongly, hand rising. “It’s fine. From the times I have talked to him, I understand that your brother can be both infuriating and foolish. ” He stepped aside, swinging an arm out. “Please, come in, you can explain in the morning.”

I walked in and dropped my bag with a quick nod, continuously thanking him before he stopped me just as I took my shoes off.

“Don’t worry. You can sleep on the couch. I’ll go get you some blankets-”

“Actually,” I butted in while he was walking away. He turned back around with the sound of my voice. “Can I go see John?”

“Well I’m sure he’s asleep,” He stopped, my jaw clenching and features dropping a bit. “But if you need to, I suppose I can’t stop you.”

With that, he was walking off, but I was already halfway up the stairs. By the time I reached the top, I was back to shaking furiously and fighting back all my emotions. I had the idea of just bursting into John’s room, but I tried to restraint myself enough to knock on his door. When that didn’t work, my knocks grew a little louder until there was shuffling and footsteps on the other side. The door swung open with a messy haired John with crooked glasses.

“Dad what is it?” He barked. “It’s the middle-” He stopped when his eyes opened. My mouth was ready to speak but it just moved round a bit before he tilted his head. “Dave?”

“John I-”

I stopped when he reached over, pulling the bead strand on his light which but it on and illuminated his room as well as a small stretch of the hall.

“Why are you here?”

I just shook my head, shoulders drooping. His brows furrowed even more and his mouth opened again. I stopped him as I reached up and removed my shades. My arm fell back to my side and they clattered to the ground. I could feel my eyes brimming with tears that just wouldn’t dare make the plunge yet. His eyes grew a little wider at this and he stepped forward.

“Dave… What’s wrong…?”

My eyes clamped shut, head shaking again before I moved quickly. I came toe to toe with him and my arms wound around his back. My hands clawed at his shirt, fingers holding on tight and tugging him as desperately close as I could. He inhaled sharply, surprised and awkward. He just stood there for a moment before his arms fell around him and held on. With that slight contact, everything broke. It had been too much. I was tired and nothing could have saved me from this. Tears finally flew from my eyes and the worst sounds I could ever want anyone to hear tumbled from my lips onto his shoulder. His arms only tightened, not understanding why I was this way, but not even taking the time to question it right now. He simply held on tightly while I freely sobbed like a weak child in his arms.

But if anything else, one of the few things I still knew wasn’t a lie on this night, a moment like this only made me love him more.


	11. Chapter 11

This was in no way a spat like we usually had. The fact was obvious in many ways. The time lapse was one of them. It had been at least a week since I had seen or spoken to Bro. when I knew he had work, I would go and get more clothes or things I forgot, but I avoided that apartment as much as I could. He had tried to call me and get through to me by John’s dad or Rose, but I wouldn’t let him. Not only the time made this fight have such an impact, but the words themselves. The fact we used words at all. Usually, things went down as followed: a problem was brought up, we fought fists and swords, Bro won, I may or may not been but or bruised, the end. However, there was no clear winner this time. The only bruising done was by the truth behind our words. Our normal apathy for conversations was thrown aside in the tired hours where our emotions couldn’t have been contained and our minds sought to make us find pride in ourselves by putting the down.

And now I was acting like a child and ignoring him. I was glad John’s dad actually let me stay for so long. Though, I did explain the situation, and he understood for the most part. It was a nice life actually. I got three, good meals a day that left me full. I could also eat all the cake I could ever imagine. It seemed there was always some laying around. John told me repeatedly how much he loathed the stuff- I wasn’t quite sure how anyone could hate such sweet perfection. Though no cake could eve compare to Jane’s. Who I actually found out was John’s cousin pretty quick. Wasn’t that surprising really. They looked similar and a few bits and pieces of their personalities fit. She was one of my bro’s best friends; always had been, and I had known her longer. She always used to babysit Rose and me, but it wasn’t until one morning that I discovered she was related to John.

A small stirring and a brush of cool air made my eyes peak open only to squint back from the light. There was a yawn that made them open a bit more and blink to adjust. I was lying on my back while John was sitting up beside me. He had one arm stretched above him and a hand ruffling his hair. He reached over and grabbed his glasses before slipping them on and looking down at me with a smile as I shifted.

“Morning, Dave.”

This was probably one of my favorite things about staying here. Call it pathetic and hopeless if needed, but waking up to a grin like that from someone who you really can’t deny loving anymore sure does beat an empty room in a shitty apartment that smells like Chinese food and pizza all the time.

Though right now I didn’t want to dote on how adorable he was- I only wanted to sleep.

I merely hummed a reply to his cheeriness and rolled on my side.

“I think my dad’s cooking breakfast.” He began, giving a small pat to my shoulder. “I’m going to head on down.”

“Sm’kay” was the only sound I could get out, my voice dripping with sleep and some unheard accent.

He slid from the bed and tossed my shades to me before wandering on downstairs. I stayed there for a few more minutes, rolling around until the aroma got to me. With a small grumble, I pulled myself up and plodded on down. By the time I was halfway down the steps, I was trying to tame my messy hair. When I rounded the end of the stairs into the main rooms, six eyes were set on me. I blinked a bit, walking closer until a pair of arms was around my neck.

“G’morning, Dave! It’s been ages since I’ve seen you!”

My eyes widened a bit, but the voice was familiar enough to let me relax into the hug. My arms rose to pat her back a little before they fell back to my sides.

“Morning, Jane. It really has been awhile.”

“You’ve gotten so big!” She pulled back and reached up to squish at my cheeks. “You’re looking more and more like Dirk every day.”

I pushed her hands away, shrugging and slipping past her. “Bro and I aren’t really on good terms right now. If you haven’t noticed, I’m here- not there.”

“Oh I know. Roxy told me all about it but-”

“Jane.” We both turned out heads to John who was looking at us strangely with a quirked brow. “How do you know Dave?”

She laughed a bit and waved her hand. “Well I’m friends with his brother. Have been ever since he was about your age.”

"How come you never told me this?"

She looked a little perplexed, but her grin quickly returned as she waved him off and returned to the kitchen.

"Well you never asked sweety. And besides, it was never all that relevant."

"So are you like the dweeb's aunt or something?" This gained a small glare from the dweeb himself but simply a laugh from Jane.

"Oh heavens no. I'm his cousin. Seriously Dave do you really think I'm old enough to be his aunt?"

"Well, I don't know you're like twenty nine, aren't you?"

"That was a rhetorical question dear." She grumbled but l quickly turned back, setting two large plates toppled high with pancakes down on the bar. "But anyway, who's hungry?"

"Oh hell yes." I said quickly, hurrying over to the bar and grabbing my own plate before smacking a couple down and grabbing the syrup. "I've so missed these. You need to come and cook all my meals- Bro doesn't know shit about food." I had a mental grimace at even the mention of his name, but I quickly washed it away with the sweet taste and aroma of the delicious, syrup drowned pancake. "Sure Jake tries, and don't get me wrong, they're good and all but-" I swallowed the glob in my mouth before shoveling a bit more and continuing. "I don't think anyone could beat your cooking."

"I'm flattered." She replied with a quick giggle, sitting across from me and calmly cutting her food into small bites.

John took his usual spot at the table beside me and his father across from him. We didn't talk too much through breakfast. Partially because Mr. Egbert got onto me for talking with my mouth full. Apparently there were a lot of 'manners' I grew up without learning because to hell if Bro cared about posture or courtesy. It wasn't until we were actually done that I questioned the reason Jane was here. She smiled, clapping her hands together and doing a small bounce in her seat.

"All of us are going to the water park!" She exclaimed happily.

A brow perched high as I sat back a little. "And all of us includes who exactly?"

"Us four, Rose and her mom, and Jade." John interrupted standing and taking all our plates to the kitchen.

"Oh fuck the queen of drunks is tagging along?"

"Language David." Mr. Egbert's voice cut through my groan which made me promptly apologize.

One more thing to add to the list of things Bro never bothered to correct.

"I thought you liked her?" John called over the running water.

I weaved around the table and behind the bar to lean against it. "Yeah, I like her when she's not being a bitch and making shitty remarks."

"Man, you'd really hate yourself if you were anyone else."

"Fuck you, I'm awesome." I retorted and pushed off the counter. "Either way, I wouldn't be surprised if she's too drunk to even attempt swimming."

He dried off his hands, following after me as I began the trek back upstairs.

"Can you even have alcohol in the park?"

"Doubt it."

"Then should there even be a problem?"

"You kidding? By now I think she's permanently drunk."

He let out an unconvinced sound. "Not possible."

"Ever seen her not completely incapacitated?"

"Well- no. But still!"

"No, still nothing. Just admit your defeat, loser." He gave me a small shove as we went up the stairs that made me grip the railing and stop.

"Hey, no pushing on the stairs!" I all but shouted with a devious grin as I turned back.

"John." His father's voice came loud and warning from the other room.

"You dick." He hissed after me, punching my back all the up the rest of the stairs.

We filed into his bedroom and he began fumbling through one of his drawers. "These are all I have that might fit you. They're small on me so they'll probably be fine."

He tossed me a pair of black and blue striped swim trunks, retrieving a pair for himself and shutting the drawer.

"You can have my room; I'll go to the bathroom."

"Don't want me to see how ugly your ass is?" _Well nice way to let that slip Strider_

He hiked up a brow and grinned a little. "Haven't we already been over the fact that my ass is amazing?"

And he plays it off like nothing. He seriously needs to learn to _not_ flirt when being sarcastic. It makes keeping my damn feelings under control pretty fucking hard.

"And don't I always agree about your choice rump?" Might as well play (completely be serious) along with it.

He just laughed and shook his head as he walked away. "You're too much for me Strider."

"You're the one to talk." I muttered under my breath as I shut the door and began changing.

He was right at least, the shorts did fit well and once I had them on, a changed into an old black t-shirt. Finally taking the time to actually fix my mess of hair and spending an amount of time that John says is 'way too long for a guy' on my hair. Excuse him that I like it to not look like a birds nest. And I apologize that it doesn't fall right into place like his does after a quick brushing. I went through multiple points why the amount of time I spend is just right, but like most things I said he just huffed and rolled his eyes.

In a matter of moments, John knocked on the door and walked back in. He tossed me a towel, and his clothes to the floor.

"Ready?" He asked after slinging his own towel over his shoulder.

"Yeah." I replied, finding my flip flops I the depths of my bag and slipping them on.

We headed back down stairs to find his dad and Jane all ready with bags and a cooler on their arms.

"Are we all ready?" His father said as he opened the door and waved us out without waiting for an answer.

We all piled into his car, and we were on our way. It only took about an hour that was filled with the normal banter and needed catching up with Jane. Other than my occasional catch of my tongue where I had to stop myself from cussing John out because of his smart ass remarks, the ride was easy and flew by pretty quick. By the time we were there, John was bouncing around in his seat and telling me all about how he used to go here as a kid. Apparently we had gone together once, but like many other things, I had completely forgotten about it. Either way, I was just happy to get out of the car and stretch my legs. Jane was on the phone and looking around as soon as the doors were shut.

"What car?" She began one hand over squinting eyes as she scanned the parking lot. "The white one? Shucks Roxy there's a lot of white cars! Yes, I'm in the parking lot. Yes, I'm with my uncle. Yes, and Dave and John." She looked up and nodded. "Yeah, by the light pole."

"Janey!" The shriek came loud and high pitched.

Jane whipped around at the voice, and we followed right behind her. She all but squealed when she did, tossing her phone into her bag and taking off. In a matter of seconds, her and Roxy were in a tight, bouncing hug of giggles.

"God I haven't seen you in so long. How-" A hiccup. "How have you been?"

She pulled back, grinning with those same but teeth as John.

"Great! And the best part is I think I'll be moving back into town soon.

There was another squeal. "Omg, that's so great! Have you told the boys yet? I'm sure they'll totally be glad."

"Not yet, but the four of us defiantly need to do something before I go back."

"Of course we will."

While their chit chat continued, Rose was suddenly rushing over to John and hugging him as Rose walked calmly to my side.

"Brother." She stated with a quick nod hello.

I returned it with my own, hands taking their rightful place in the pockets of my swim trunks.

"You actually look semi-normal today Lalonde."

"Your compliments never cease to end, do they?"

"Nope. I should get paid for this shit. Dollar a pop- pay up." My hand Rose back, closing and opening as if I actually expected her to pay.

"Give me an actually flattering statement and I just might."

"There are people uglier than you in this world." My hand moved again as I smirked. "Where's my cash?"

"Stop talking and walk." She demanded with a point as our group began to walk towards the entrance.

Ten minutes later we were all plopping down into big, white plastic chairs and pulling the sunscreen and towels out. I pulled my shirt off and looked around at the various slides and pools that were scattered with people and fountains of all sorts. When I did another scan I had to do a small double take, thankfully behind my shades, as I was met with an eye full of complete unfairness. There was a moment of blatant staring before I turned quickly; my head whipping to the side of Rose's who was standing beside me.

"Jesus _fucking_ Christ." I hissed, my fingers digging into her bare shoulder.

She tipped her head to the side a bit, and hummed. "Something wrong, dear?"

“Just look straight ahead.”

She paused for a moment, a small shrug following.

“I see nothing unusual.”

" _John_."

She took another moment before laughing and saying in one of the most mocking tones she could, "Why, I see nothing in particularly different."

My fingers dug in just a bit harder, bringing her ear right up to my mouth.

"Would you just fuckin look at the guy's stomach. When did all that damn ab action happen? Like shit, am I just not supposed to stare at that? The gods are trying to torture me, I just know it."

"You're overreacting to a little bit of healthy exercise."

"I think you're underreacting. Damn Lalonde just look-"

"What are you girls whispering about?" John called with a loud laugh.

I stepped back hoping to god my face wasn't as red as it felt- back to blaming it on the sun.

Rose had a snide smile as she crossed her arms. "Oh, nothing really. Dave was simply relaying his comments to me on the subject of your nmph-"

My hand slapped over her mouth, one of the hardest glares I could manage being shot at her from behind the black lenses.

"My what?" He asked, head tilting a little.

I swallowed hard, clearing my throat. "Your- your glasses. Yeah, are they new?"

His expression became puzzled, but he just laughed. "Nope, they're the same ones I've had for years. Now, as I was asking before I realized you two were paying no attention at all, would either of you like to go ride that slide thing with me." He raised his hand, pointing a ways down to a winding yellow slide that emptied out into the pool.

With another snicker Rose pushed my hand away and used the other to nudge me forward.

"Dave would. Maybe you two can further discuss your glasses."

He paused got a minute before shrugging and regaining a grin.

"Great. Come on." He gave me a wave before turning and starting off.

"I hate you." I mumbled, but she simply pushed me forward a little harder.

"Love you too, now have fun."

I grumbled a bit more but caught up to him nonetheless and slowed to a saunter once at his side. It was silent for a moment before he spoke up.

"So what were you two talking about?"

My eyes widened and my breath caught, but I brushed it away the best I could.

"What do you mean?" I asked placidly with a shrug. "I told you exactly what."

"Bullshit." He quipped back. "I know when you're lying. Your explanations of things get even more ridiculous- which I thought was impossible. So I know for a fact, that back there was definitely a lie."

A hand rose to rub the back of my neck as I sighed. "Alright, you caught me Egbert. I simply made the note to Rose that I could no longer make fun of you for being lazy and pudgy while I am a stick." My hand swung down, motioning to his stomach and the other to my own. "You obviously beat me in this category now."

He looked down, cheeks flushing a bit before he laughed. "Yeah... Running a lot will do this to you. Can't say I mind it though."

My hands went back to my pockets and I nodded. Dodged that bullet.

"You'll be covered in bitches if you keep it up."

_Bitches. Me. All the same really._

A hand went to the back of his head and he laughed a little louder with a goofy grin. "You really think so, huh?"

"Oh, I know so. Chicks dig muscle."

"Well then you might want to work on the flab you have growing there." He retorted, taking a jab at my side with his elbow.

"There is no flab." I protested while my arms wrapped around my stomach.

This only caused him to keep laughing as he pushed at my shoulder. "Whatever. You're such a girl sometimes." He hurried forward a bit, dashing up to the steps of the slide. "Just come on, will ya?"

I followed after him, and once we climbed the mountain of stairs up to the top, we stood there through the line of people until it was finally our turn.

"Double or single?" The obviously bored man who's shirt read 'Steve' embroidered in yellow stitching said while looking down at his phone.

John paused, looking back to me shortly after. "Wanna ride together?"

"Your choice."

He nodded and turned back. "I guess a double."

Extremely enthusiastic Steve pointed us to the second slide to which we wrangled our way into a float big enough for the both of us. I sat down, grabbing onto the handles beside me as John settled himself between my legs and did the same. There was moment where we just sat there until the guy waved with a quick 'you can go'. We pushed a bit, the water taking us down the slide immediately. It was fast and curvy, water splashing up as our bodies swayed back and forth. We were gaining speed as we went, the turns getting even longer and harder to hold on. On one especially big, there was a break in his laughter where a quick shout made it through.

"I think I might fall off if we do that again!"

Without having time to convince myself not to do it, I let go of one of the handles and wrapped an arm around his stomach. His face looked back at me, but I just stared forward.

"Won't fall off now." I replied just loud enough for him to hear over the rushing water.

"Thanks!" He piped with a grin, going right back to laughing his ass off as we kept whizzing down.

To him it was helpful, to me it was just a reason to wiggle closer and feel like it was actually okay to feel his warmth like this. Too bad it was so short lived. By the time I had gotten comfortable, we were being shot from the slide and into the pool where we skated across the surface until it slowed down enough for us to hop off.  John was still laughing to himself and swishing his hair to the side as we pulled the float over to the drop off. When we were back out of the water, he began to talk my ear off about how much fun that was the entire way back to the group. They were happy to have us back and immediately said we were going to get lunch. I turned to follow, and Rose caught up to keep me at the back of the small clump.

“So did you actually have fun?”

I nodded, pausing before looking to the side. “I touched them.” Her expression turned confused, but I just smirked and kept walking. “Those damn muscles are torturous I tell ya.”

She scoffed, turning her nose up. “Unbelievable.”

“Yeah, you can’t bring me down right now.” I retorted with a small chuckle, arms crossing with a content sigh.

 

After lunch, I somehow found myself at a white table covered in our trash and surrounded. Roxy, Jane, Rose, and Jade had trapped me here and it felt like they were shining an interrogation light in my face and holding me hostage. John and his dad had gone off to swim some more- and oh had I wanted to, but no. They wouldn’t let me go now. My shoulders had already hunched instinctively despite the need to keep face here. I kept flashing looks of hatred and terror to Rose, being the least interested of the group as always, but she was just sitting there reading while they squealed and picked at me.

“Tell us.” Jane piped, leaning forward with her chin on her interlocked fingers,

“God just tell us, Dave.” Roxy added, poking at my bare shoulder with a pointed and painted nail.

“It’s obvious, just say it.” Jane was the last of the three to say anything. Being at the other end of the small, round table, she had stood and was now leaning over it.

“There’s nothing to say.” I answered, pressing myself into the chair back in a futile attempt to escape their interest.

“Bullshit.” Roxy spat with a huff. “Dirk already told us, but we want to hear it from you.”

“He’s wrong.”

Jane scoffed, shaking her head. “Not true. He’s hardly ever wrong. And when he is, you can barely tell.”

“Plus,” Jade began, pointing her finger only inches from my nose. “I see you every day. There’s nothing you can hide-” She whipped her finger back to point at her own face. “-from these eyes.”

“Come on~” Drawled Jane, now poking at my other shoulder. “We won’t tell anyone.”

“Now I’m calling bullshit.” I bit back at her. “You’ll tell everyone.”

“Alright, fine.” She replied, rolling her eyes. “But we won’t tell _him._ ”

“I don’t trust any of you three with this.”

“Three?” Jade commented. _Damn it._ Her eyes widened before whipping her head to the side and staring down at Rose. “Does she know? Have you told her?!”

The other two turned quickly, all eyes falling on her. My head fell, smacking against the table a couple times before just sitting there.

“This one is on your part.” Rose commented, setting her book down and clearing her throat.

“Don’t you dare.” I mumbled into the table.

“Don’t listen to him!” Jade whined, nudging at Rose’s shoulder. “Tell us.”

“Rose.” I warned, peaking up a bit from the white.

“Just do it.” Jane demanded as she leaned in closer.

“He likes John.”

There was a loud, high pitched squeal from the three as Rose picked her book back up with a sigh and the shake of her head. I was full on glaring at her now, lifting my head all the way up. _‘I hate you’_ were the only words I mouthed before my face was squished between two hands and brought up. I was nose to nose with Roxy without having a chance to pull away.

“That’s so fuckin cute Davey.”

I pushed her hands away, flopping back into the chair.

“None of you speak a word of this.”

Simultaneously, as if on cue, they all put a hand over their mouths and nodded.

“But yeah…” I continued, biting my tongue just trying to push the words out. “I like John… A lot.”

There was another loud squeal that broke off into giggles. Everything was quickly cut off as a shadow overcame me and their eyes turned upwards.

“My girls, what’s all this giddy behavior about? I think we could hear your shrieks half way across the park.”

My eyes were wide behind my shades, Mr. Egbert’s loud voice making my glance flick across each of their faces.

“Yeah, what’s this all about?” John added, stepping up beside my chair.

My shoulders hunched a little, and my head shook just a tiny bit.

“Oh, you know.” Began Roxy, giggling in between words, “Girl stuff.”

She stood, followed by the other two and even Rose slid her book in her bag and walked off with them, giving me a slight wink of mockery.

John looked down to me, brows perched. “Dave?”

“You know,” I stood up as well, layering a quick pat to his shoulder. “Girl stuff.”

With the confused looks he was giving me, I merely chuckled lightly with the shake of my head and wandered off with the girls

We spent most of the day at the pool until it was beginning to get dark. The cooler air of evening began to kick in, shivers running down my bare back as I passed from the car to John’s house. We ate dinner, watching a few movies after, and by the time the third (or fourth- I don’t even remember) was ending, John was already asleep. The dim light of the tv and the quiet credit music were the only things keeping me awake.

John was curled up under a blanket at the opposite end of the couch. I nudged his leg with my foot, sitting up from my own slouched position.

“John.”

I was met with a groan as he shifted a bit. I nudged him again only tad harder.

“No, John. Wake up.”

“Is it morning?” He muttered, but still rolled onto his side.

“No.” I replied blankly, leaning over to shake his knee.

“Then fuck off.” His leg extended and kicked me in the gut with his growl.

“As much as I’d love to princess, you fell asleep on the couch.” I stood, rubbing my stomach and moved to lean over him. “Get up so we can go to your room.”

He rolled back to where he was facing me, holding his arms up a bit. They bent at his elbows, but he wiggled them a bit with another groan.

“Carry me Strider.”

“Are you serious?”

One eye slid open to look up at me through the darkness. He still had his glasses and they had left a small indention on his cheek that he rubbed at idly.

“Would you actually do it?”

“I’m fuckin tired John. I’d do a lot if it means I could sleep sooner.”

“Yeah, alright. No.” He began shifting around before sitting up and kicking the blanket off himself.

“I think I can take care of myself- oh, and fuck you for the princess comment earlier.”

“You’re welcome. I’m glad to see you like that nickname.”

“I don’t” He squeaked, voice cracking from the sleep lingering in his throat. “It’d be like me calling you darling or girly.”

“You can call me darling anytime _sweety_.” I threw in a wink after the comment to try and convince him I was joking even if I wasn’t fully.

He laughed, standing and giving my shoulder a push.

“Insufferable.”

“Yeah, that works too.”

He sighed once he grabbed me by the arm and began pulling. “God, just come on. I’m too tired for this shit.”

“Ye-es princess.” I drawled out, layering my usually pretty faint accent thickly.

“Damn southerner.” He teased, tugging me up the stairs.

“I’m a fuckin southern bell, thank you.”

“Sure you are darlin’.” It was obvious he trying to mimic an accent, but he was failing miserably. It made me begin to laugh quietly and shake my head. “Would ya like to join me at the spittoon later and throw back a couple tankards of moonshine?”

I stopped just as we got up the stairs, slipping my shades down just enough for him to see the ridiculous expression I had as another unexpected laugh slid through my lips. “Where the fuck are you trying to be from?”

“Hell if I know.” He spit out flippantly, giggling lightly to himself. “I really need sleep.”

Another fucking laugh. Maybe I needed sleep too. “Obviously.”

He hummed a little, looking over his shoulder to smile at me. “You know Strider, you’ve got a pretty nice laugh. Why don’t you use it?”

That lopsided grin and slight stumble in his step almost made him seem drunk- his words didn’t help much either.

“I guess I don’t find a lot of things funny.”

“But you find me funny?”

I paused, lips pinching together for a second. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

“Maybe I’m special.”

“Maybe you are, John. You’re pretty special.” He turned back just when a faint smile graced my lips. I pushed him into his room, eyes trailing to the ground. “Now come on, you need to get some rest before you start spouting even more ridiculous things.”

Once John finally calmed himself enough to slip on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and face plant into his bed, I joined him- though it took some shoving and disgruntled noises from him nonetheless I lastly got settled down. We both removed our glasses, setting them on the nightstands and rolling onto our sides where our backs were against each other. My eyes were closed in a matter of minutes, the dark silence taking over quickly. I was just about to fall completely asleep when he started up again.

“Hey Dave.”

There was a shifting while he rolled onto his back. The was a poke to my back as his foot nudged mine. “Dave I know you’re not asleep yet.”

I grunted, kicking back at his foot. “No, John. Sleep.”

He continued rolling onto his side and kicked back. Dave, we need to talk.”

“I don’t need to have any further conversation with tired, delusional l John.”

“Yes you do- I’m not delusional. My thoughts are perfectly coherent, now come on.”

He began tugging at my arm, and by the time I was rolling over, my eyes just wanted to close again.

“Shit john, I’m tired. What do you so desperately need to talk about right now?”

“You need to speak to your brother.”

“Hell no.” I bit quickly, beginning to roll back over.

He caught my arm, keeps me still and looking me directly in the eyes.

“It’s been almost two weeks Dave. And it’s not like he hasn’t tried to talk to you. You need to stop ignoring him now.”

“Why should I?”

“Because he’s your brother.” I opened my mouth. “And-” He cut me off. “Because this is stupid. You’re acting childish.”

“He lied to me. He’s lied to me for ten years. I think that’s a reason to act like this.”

“At least give him the chance to apologize?”

I let a small snort out. “Again I ask, why should I? The guy doesn’t deserve it. Do you not realize what he did? He-”

“Yeah. I do. And I know it hurt you.”

“No, I-”

“Dave, it hurt you. Don’t try to be all strong and stubborn now. If it didn’t I have no idea why you came to my house crying and whimpering like a child.”

That shut me up. I didn’t want to talk about that. I had made the fact known that I didn’t want to talk about it. Striders aren’t weak- _I’m_ not weak. More importantly, Striders don’t cry. I would have preferred him not mentioning the incident at all, but he just had to bring it up. Oh but he knew he shouldn’t have said that immediately. His face wiped clean and his eyes widened just a little.

“Sorry…” He breather out, sinking back a bit. “You still need to talk to him. You don’t have to go back, just- talk.”

We had a moment of silence where we both just stares at each other until I let out a small sigh.

“Fine. I’ll go over there this weekend. Can I just sleep now?”

A small smile flicked across his face as he nodded against the pillow. “Night Dave.”

He rolled back over and with the fleeting yearning of wanting to scoot close and cuddle against him, I resisted and rolled until our backs were once again facing each other.

“Night.” I muttered quietly as my eyes closed and I quickly slipped into sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

I had managed to turn that “this weekend” into another full week and a half at the Egbert residence. Now about a month in summer, June was setting into July and the heat kept on rising. I had spent about two weeks with John now, his dad seeming happy to keep me. He frequently told me how better it was for me to get away from everything for a bit; a little vacation of sorts. After the initial anger had died down, I eventually explained everything we had done since they had left Texas all those years back. He told me he’d like to see Bro again sometime, “catch up with an old friend” as he put it even though I had never really considered the two of them to be friends. Either way, by now John had become impatient with me and was pushing every day for me to call him and I had a couple days back, but when Jake picked up, I lost all nerve and decided against it. But now my feet were glued to the old carpet of my apartment’s hall. The door stood tall in front of me like a foreign gate I wasn’t allowed to cross through. I raised my fist to knock, but- _what was I doing?_ This was my home. Though… why couldn’t I force myself to open the door? My hand moved down to the nob and froze again. Something was holding me back. The anger had fled by now, but there was still the fear of facing him. I had yelled, stood up to him in a way I shouldn’t have. Then I just ran away. I did exactly what he expected me to. It only took a few days for me to realize he was completely right. Every little jab to my character was true.

I believe that’s what scared me the most. He hated the man I was supposedly just like- so what kept him from hating me? I had always looked up to him whether I said so or not. I hope he knew that and felt as bad as he should. Admitting that you hate your little brother in a way far past the normal sibling rivalry- pure loathing should make him feel something close to shitty at least. He had tried to call, sure, but even that wasn’t enough to convince me. I still feared he could lash back at me. He had our father’s blood in him too. There was that violence that he never wanted to acknowledge; that nature in both of us despite how much he tried to deny it. It was scary in and of itself. It intimidated me and he knew it. He used it against me and held himself over my head as a threat. Just the sheer knowing of what he was capable of was enough to keep me in place. But now that I had broken through that wall of fear, and an even stronger panic was brewing away.

Despite the looming terror, I finally grasped the door knob, hand curling around it as the other clenched at my side. Then the knob was turning, but in the other direction. My hand retracted and as the door opened and I was met toe to toe with my brother. He was twirling a ring of keys around his fingers and staring down at me until they settled to a stop at his knuckled. His brow perched and he popped the gum in his mouth.

“Sup lil’ man?”

“Hey Bro.” I tried to keep my voice steady, but I’d be lying if I thought he wasn’t the slightest bit menacing right now. “You going out?”

“No, I just enjoy carrying my keys and randomly opening the door.”

I shrunk down a little, shoulders falling and eyes going to his chest.

“You need something?”

“Egbert said I should come over.” I admitted almost too quickly for either of our liking.

“And?”

The sheer apathy in his voice made me cringe, anger returning that I didn’t want to deal with quite yet.

“And you’ve tried to call me”

“You didn’t answer.”

“I didn’t want to.”

“So why are you here then? I think that is proof enough for me to believe you’re still being a pansy ass about things.”

“I am not,”  I quipped back, voice rising. “It’s understandable- I was angry.” I let out a long sigh that even began to shake despite my tries to keep everything under wraps. My head had fallen with my breath until I raised it back and stared him straight in the eyes. "Look, I'm sorry for being such a child. Can't you see I'm trying my best to be sincere? You didn't really teach me how to do that. Being nice apparently wasn't in your forte of things to teach baby Dave. So I'm trying, alright? Can't you just accept this really sucky apology and stop being a dick?"

He kept silent until stepping forward and tugging me into his chest with one arm.  I was still a lot smaller than him at this age, and I was easily face-to-chest height. When he moved away from the awkward one armed hug, he reached up and tousled my hair.

"Calm your tits bro. We're fine. I was just either waiting for you to get over yourself or for you to get sick of the Egberts and come back here."

"It's hard to get sick of all you can eat cake." I remarked with a smirk.

"And spending time with your not boyfriend John."

"He's not my boyfriend." I almost snapped.

"Like I said, your _not_ boyfriend."

"You suck." I muttered into his chest but he just chuckled as my arms rose to give him a quick hug in return.

No matter what, we were still brothers and I guess I couldn't deny loving this asshole of a man.

"Oh, I don't just suck I also-"

My hands went to pushing against his chest. "No, no, no, stop!" I needed to keep him from finishing that sentence before I was mentally scared.

This only brought a low chuckle from his throat as he moved back and moved his hand into his pocket.

"So kiddo, this mean you're comin' home?"

"I'm staying another week." I replied after adjusting my slightly jarred shades.

"Just out of spite or-"

"John's Dad wanted me to stay for the fourth. He's said he'd have everyone over for a party and shit." He opened his mouth, but I held up a hand and nodded. "Yes, everyone includes you. That way you can help me haul my crap back over here when the parties over."

He hummed quietly, his hand once again going back to my head. "Alright. Well, until then I have to go. Got an early shift down at the bar."

"Don't pick up some hot date while you're workin."

"Oh don't worry, I'll be finding you some hot piece of ass as an apology." He must have sensed the slight widening of my eyes and very subtle tense of muscles because he just grinned and let another chuckle slip. "Chill, I was joking. You really think I'd try to set you up?"

"I honestly wouldn't be surprised." It came out as a scoff as his grin fell to a completely unrealistic frown.

"I'm not that crude. Why would I when-"

"Don't."

"-you have John."

If only he could see how much I rolled my eyes at that. "Fuck you. Please stop with that shit. There's nothing between us."

"Much to your displeasure I am aware that's true." He brushed past me before I had the chance to reply already shutting the door and walking down the hall. "C'mon kid, I've got work to do."

"Oh yeah, I forgot something." I said, hurrying to his side as he walked.

"And what's that?"

My elbow shot to the side, successfully connecting with his side which caused him to hunch to the side a bit.

"The fuck is that about?"

"Telling Jane, Roxy, and presumably Jake what you have about me and John."

He laughed, idly rubbing his side as he straightened again. "Ah, I told them not to confront you."

"You asshole- and of course they confronted me. More like trapped me. So know the only person that doesn't know is John himself."

"What about your other little annoying friend? That hyper little glasses one."

"Jade? Yeah she cornered me too. It was like a fucking squeal fest at the water park the other day."

"You went to a water park without me? You little shit bag!"

Completely ignoring the point I was trying to convey. As always.

"Not the point! Fuck it, just don’t tell anyone else you or I may know."

“Too late,” he chimed out in an almost sing song voice.

We were down the steps and out the building once I sighed into the dry, hot air. “Well colored me surprised.”

“I have no rainbow marker.” He mused, giving me a shove.

I shoved him right back which quickly devolved into a pushing match in the middle of the sidewalk. I could feel the tenderness my shoulder was already getting from the repeated battering against it, but I managed to keep my balance until it stopped when he gave me one last jostle down the sidewalk back towards John’s house.

“Shut up and go to work.” I spat, flipping him off before I turned without a reply and walked away.

“Love you too Davey!” He shouted after me, gaining yet another slew of curses to be shot back in response as I stalked off.

* * *

 

A few more days led me to Wednesday. It was the last day I’d be spending at John’s. Mixed feelings of hesitantly leaving, actual joyance of being here, and a plain hatred of packing made me want to stay. I knew I needed to go home, I couldn’t stay any longer and mooch off of Mr. Egbert’s hospitality. It was time to leave no matter how much I wanted to stay. Change had never been in my liking and while coming here in the first place was a big thing, I had grown accustomed to it. Now I had to go back to being alone most hours of the day and night and- damn it, I had to go back to eating shit food all the time. I think I’d miss his cooking most of all. Fast food and frozen pizza couldn’t even compare. I really needed to learn how to cook.

John helped me as much as his could, but it was just a few bags that ended up being stacked by the front door. The rest of my laundry was done and tucked away neatly. Set up was done just before people arrived, tables set up and chairs placed in the yard. There were only a few festive decorations to be hung and boxes of fireworks to be brought out. About an hour later Bro arrived with English tagging along. After word of that, Rose dragged her mother over with the help of Jane. Thus completed our little group just before the sun began to drop and a few of us gathered to sit around and talk while the others began fixing all the food.

From the corner of my eye a figure appeared and covered the very endings of sunlight that had previously been glinting off my shades. I turned my head from the conversation I was having and up to Jake’s face that was smiling goofily back at me was a firework in his hands.

“Hey there Dave.” He looked down to his hands before back up. “I was wondering if you could help me light this, uh, bottle- shuttle thingamajig.”

A small sigh came out as I stood and took it from his hands. “Bottle rocket,” I corrected before holding it up to his eye level and pointing at a small fuse at the base, “and you just light this.” Sticking it back out to him, I went to sit back down. “Easy as that.”

“Can you come show me?”

His eyes held a small hint of desperation that confused me. My brows twitched in uncertainty, but he just held his gaze so I went along with it anyway. Giving a short look back to Rose, she shrugged as I started walking after him. He led me to the back of the yard away from most of the others where a small table of assorted fireworks was before setting it the bottle rocket down in a box. When he turned back around, I opened my mouth to question this whole situation, but he was already on top of it.

“Lend me your ears, won’t you? I need to discuss a sort of touchy topic, so make sure you scoot your noggin over here and pay close attention now.”

His look was more serious now, brows knitted together and his mouth in an almost frown as he stared at me intently. It was a little intimidating compared to the normal gung ho Jake I had come so accustomed to. I couldn’t think of a response or even an expression to follow that, so I was left just standing there with my hands in my pockets and my feet rocking from their heels to my toes. I hoped that was enough incentive to keep going, but he merely continued to stare at me until I nodded.

“Alright.” He paused for an exhaustible minute, twiddling his thumbs and staring at the sky. “Fucking cheese and crackers this is difficult.” He mumbled quietly before rolling his head back down. “Look Dave- I feel like I need to talk to about Dirk…”

“Outta here,” I replied quickly, lifting my hand in a wave as I turned.

He quickly caught my arm and tugged me back almost forcefully. “No, please. Listen.”

“What the fuck is it? I really don’t want to know anything about him coming from your mouth.”

“Oh come on, it’s nothing indecent. I’m trying to be serious- put on your big boy pants and have a conversation with me for once.”

“Either way, I don’t want you to try and work sympathy for him into my mind.”

“But you might should have some.”

“Why-”

“He raised you when-”

“When he was just a kid, yes, I’m fully aware. That doesn’t mean he deserves my sympathy. We’ve worked through this Jake. There’s no need in beating it like a dead horse.”

He gave me a rather perplexed look. “Why in Dickens’ name would you beat a dead horse? It’s already dead, and- no.” He quickly shook his head along with his hands. “That’s not the point. Just let me-”

“We’re good now. I’m coming home tomorrow.”

“But, Dave-”

“No, but nothing.”

“Hey-”

“Stop.” I turned around taking a step.

“Wait-”

“No.”

“I’ve only seen him cry once.” He blurted abruptly.

This made me turn back and give him an odd look as if I didn’t hear what he said. “What?”

“There’s only one time that I’ve ever seen Dirk cry.”

His shoulders fell a bit and his tone dropped low and quiet.

“And?” I asked almost incredulously.

“And that was the night your parents- your father- they… died.”

“Why does this matter?”

“A lot of shit has happened since then, and yet, the fella’s only let me see him cry once. Even then he tried to hide it.”

“So, he’s not as dead inside as he wants people to believe. His dad just killed our mother and himself- who wouldn’t have cried?”

“Let me finish chap. You see, that night not too long ago- the night you two had your vigorous little spat. Well, that’s about the darn closest I’ve seen the guy to actually letting a single tear fall. He really did feel like rubbish telling you all that in such a way. He wanted to let you know about all that hogswallop sooner, but every time nerves got the best of him.” He gave a small sigh and pushed up his glasses to rub at his eyes. “He really does care about you. I’ll mention again that he raised you- you’re his little brother. He won’t say it, but I think he’s a tad frightened by you on occasion. Like you’ll grow up to hate him. The idea’s total malarkey to me, but it’s understandable.”

I slowly grew silent, and once he finished I actually felt very small. Of course he’d been affected, but I never really thought so much. He said he hated me, didn’t he? Well, you’d think hating him back would bring contentment.

Guess not.

Surprise, surprise, I was wrong at reading someone’s emotions. Let alone my own brother. I am a fantastic person.

“Are you alright Strider? You seem quite shocked…”

“I am shocked,” I admittedly quietly. “I should-” I began to turn again, but he already had a hand on my arm, pulling me back.

“Don’t mention this to him.” He shook his head a bit but still let go of me and stepped back. “He wouldn’t like to know I told you about his hullabaloo. He doesn’t fancy the fact I was there to see all this- he’d be peeved if you knew.”

My hands moved to my pockets after I shrugged. “Alright. I won’t tell him then. Are you done?”

His expression seemed a bit bothered by my passive tone, but he was quickly brushing it off and putting on a smile. “Yeah, I’d say we’re done. Now, come on, better get back before we’re missed and get our chow on.”

 

I believe everyone that night engorged their weight in junk. Being who we were, there wasn’t any real food other than a pot of chili that John’s dad had cooked up. I finally convinced Bro to pick up some hamburgers on the way, but he showed up with a single pack of hot dogs and, of course, no buns. So instead of eating bun-less hot dogs and wishing for hamburgers, we cut them up and put the whole pack into the chili. Other than that the mountain of various chips, dips, and drinks was enough to make anyone gain at least five extra pounds.

But after that was done, and a fire was lit we all sat around briefly chatting about whatever came to mind before eventually I peeled off. Not that listening to Mr. Egbert’s stories weren’t interesting, but one person can only take so many adventures through Walmart. Slipping away, I wandered off into the yard in order to find some quiet. It wasn’t long before I sat in the grass, legs crossed and I just stared into the sky, shades pulled down so I could actually see it. I could feel myself slipping off into the world of contemplative thought, but it was all cut short when there was a nudge against my arm. I hadn’t noticed anyone had come to sit beside me until they nudged me again. I blinked a bit, head lowering and a hand pushing my shades back up. Though it made everything twice as hard to see, I knew it was John even if his face was almost as dark as the shadows behind him.

“My dad and Bro think you’re sulking.” He said once he knew he had my attention, and for that he turned to look back at them. “Told me to come over and bring you back.”

“Well,” There was a short huff that led my eyes immediately back to the stars. “not sulking.”

He gave a quiet hum before taking a moment of silence to reply. “Then what are you doing?”

“Is it a crime to be alone?”

“Apparently it is at a party.”

“Well then cuff me ‘cause I’m going to jail.”

There was a chuckle as he pushed my arm again before going to stand up. “C’mon. Just humor them and at least act like you’re having fun.”

“Never said I wasn’t having fun-” I looked up more at him now and just shrugged. “I was having fun and still am. No sulking going on here.”

I guess he didn’t have an answer to that because he took to just standing there. Even once my gaze left his again, he still didn’t move. Things grew silent again until he finally moved back to my side. Crossing his arms over propped up knees, we said nothing.  I was sitting once again with nothing but the chatter of our odd little family and friends and the occasional burst of laughter from the group. It was all perfectly fine with me, sitting here and saying nothing. Before the beginning of this year I hadn’t done much talking, or socializing for that matter. But because of this reunion it was all I ever did. Whether it was to him or just because of being around him, I had been doing quite a bit more of everything. It wasn’t in all cases bad, but this was a time where I simply felt that I needed to not say anything. Just sit with my thoughts and that’s all.

But being what this was, it was only a matter of time before something came to ruin it all.

That was in the form of a loud laugh. At first it was like any others, but it only came closer and considerably more obnoxious as Roxy began stumbling over to us.

“Ay boys!” She shouted- and damn that slur was even worse than usual.

“Roxy.” I gave her a nod before she slumped down in front of us, legs giving and going in either direction.

“Ms. Lalonde?” John added with his usual slight tone of questioning confusion. “Are you alright?”

“Oh silly boy. M’jus peacky- eh, peachy. Are you alright misper- mister-” She ended with a high pitched hum, not even waiting for an answer. “Damn Davey, Dick- fuck, Dirk broke out the good booze early. Thank god for your brother’s lack a tolerance to fun er momma would be runnin’ dry right now.”

That much was already noted from the extra slur in her voice and an unusual clumsiness in her already lumbering walk.

"Obviously." I noted, that hint of condescension already peeling through.

"Shh Davey, no need t'be a prude. Be nice an' maybe I'll give you a lil'. Jus' baby don't tell Dirk."

"I'll think we'll pass." John quickly interjected.

I would have gladly taken the opportunity, but knowing John he wouldn't dare get even the slightest bit tipsy within a fifteen mile radius of his father.

Things fell silent between us for a moment, save the small hiccup that left from her throat and made her chest lurch. There was only a second more before a thought churned in Roxy's mind. She gained a lopsided grin as she scooted over closer to John. Shooting a quick glance to me, she leaned over cupped a hand to his ear whispering in it. Even after I finally worked through the process to comprehend what was unfolding and a singe of panic ran through me, I was too late. John's eyes widened a bit, looking at me incomplete disbelief as Roxy pulled away. What I was sure was going to fall into a stream of fear and rejection instead became something so worse. A sudden stream of giddy laughter tumbled down and he brought a hand up to his mouth. I became completely and utterly confused, turning to Roxy and furrowing my brows.

"What'd you tell him?" I whispered quickly but was soon answer by laugh filled words.

"I can't believe you have a crush Dave. That's so cute.” His voice had so quickly taken on such a tone of immense mockery I wanted to puke all over his adorably snarky little dick face. “Look at little Davey-poo with his little crush.” At least she didn’t say who, but damn her, she crawling to her feet and scurrying off while I have to sit here and be teased. Damn. Her. “Oh, I bet it’s only the most popular girl in school.” He leaned forward, elbows going to his knees and resting his chin in his hands. “Are you a poor love struck teen who’s completely unseen by the love of his life?” Partially. “Better work on swooning skills then. Switch on that Strider charm and they’ll be in your arms in no time.”

There was a small upwards twitch to my shoulders in a silent laugh. “Like there’s any doubt.” For once, I have to rely on my false confidence to get me through this.

“One look from you and their knees will go weak.  A word and oh shit there goes the breath out of their lungs. You begin to walk toward them and ooo, I bet they’ll fall into your arms and let you lavish them with sweet nothings.”

I rolled my eyes, merely shrugging it off. Might as well go along with him before he goes and interrogates someone else about it. They’d all probably tell him in a heartbeat it’s actually him my idiotic little heart is flopping around for. “Please. I may have some serious skill, but I don’t know. This is one fine person.”

“Oh? Well there sure is a lack of confidence in you isn’t there? This gal must be something big.”

“They are.” I complied easily enough. Vague comments like this would give nothing away while satisfying his persistent as fuck curiosity. It’s a win win, what could go wrong?

Who am I kidding- Everything could go wrong. 

“Then why don’t you go for it? Ask them out and either be happy and get that girl under your arm or get rejected and have probably the exact same expression.”

I leaned back with a sigh, arms going behind me to keep me up. “Not that easy bro.”

He sat back up as well and actually huffed. “And why not?”

“I know for sure they don’t feel the same.”

He gained a pout, crossing his arms. “Do they like someone else?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Have you ever spoken to them?”

“Yeah but-”

His voice rose just a bit. “And have they told you they like someone else.”

“No.”

He reached forward, smacking my forehead before just leaning out of reach of my retaliation slap. “Then fuck it. Go ahead and do it. Be the cocky, egotistical ass Strider I know.”

I shrugged again after settling back down and beginning to twiddle with a loose rock by my foot.

There was a hard knock to my shoulder before hopping to his feet and re-crossing his arms confidently. 

“Get to your feet dude.” I stood despite my caution but stayed hunched in an uncomfortable manor as he nodded. “Alright.  Now since you’re so unconfident in yours ways of swooning the ladies, why don’t you show me what you do?”

“Egbert you gotta be shitting me I don’t-”

“Dave, how many girlfriends have you had?”

I shot him a look that clearly gave away the answer, so I chose not to say it out loud.

“Exactly.” He replied with that smirk that made me want to strangle him. Then he held up his hand, three fingers pointed up as he shook them in the face. “And look how many I’ve had.”

“Impossible.” I spat which made his face contort into a scowl.

“Well fuck you too. Please Strider, I’ve got swag.”

Wow. He really just said that. I can’t even imagine the looks I was giving him I was so repulsed that he even dare say that. “People who have ‘swag’ don’t saw swag.”

He quirked his eyes brows up and just grinned cynically at me. “Oh but I say it ironically. That makes it okay, doesn’t it Mr. Irony?” Like always, there was no break before he was ignoring my oncoming comment and continued speaking. “Anyway- like I said, show me what you’ve got. This is probably where your inexistent love-life stems from.”

“You’re being serious?” I stated more than asked, but he nodded anyway.

“Completely. Try and woo me.”

What the fuck was he thinking?

Neglecting the completely rational part of fucking everything that was flashing around and telling me not to get carried away, I stepped forward a bit and braced myself. My hands twitched before actually moving his hips and planting themselves there. While I was a nervous wreck on the inside he began stifling a chuckle and lifting a hand to his mouth.

“What’re you doing?” He bubbled out, hunching his shoulders up almost awkwardly.

“Aren’t we supposed to be pretending you’re someone else?”

“Well, yes, but I’m sorry. It’s weird that your hands are there.”

I lifted my head, speaking up and trying my best not to completely fuck everything up. “I don’t know what you’re saying not-John. I can’t understand you.”

“Oh right. Ahem-“ He threw a hand over his forehead and gasped. “Oh my, how unexpected.”

I gave a hard pinch to his side that made him jump and glare at me.

“Don’t be so fucking dramatic.”

“Well what else am I supposed to do with my arms? You shouldn’t be criticizing me since I have had more relationships than you.”

Sighing, I dropped my hands and sneered. “Excuse me for trying to oblige by your wishes. This was stupid from the beginning of your little idea.”

“I’m trying to help you!” He piped back, grabbing my hands and putting them right back on his hips. “If you’re going to win the heart of that young maiden you need to be ready.” If I thought that was bad it only got worse as he all but plopped his arms over my shoulders and smirked. “Trust me Dave, I’d never imagine going homo on you, but this is what girls do, right? Not gay- just helping out my bro. Don’t spaz so much,”

There was a small nod that came out- not that my mind was even thinking about what he was saying anymore. I was currently preoccupied with wishing the heat in my face to vanish and thanking the gods it was dark so he couldn’t see.

“Well then get to the wooing. Where are these magical words that will make me faint into your arms?”

“You’re already in my arms.” I commented with a bit of snarkiness breaking through the nervous as shit state I was in. I glanced a bit to the side, another silent thanks passed by that everyone was currently distracted by Bro being a stupid shit head and lighting things on fire in the opposite corner of the yard. “And who says I need words?”

“How else will I be swept off my feet?”

One hand left his side for a quick moment only to reach up and push my shades into my hair which pulled bangs with them but effectively helped me to see as well as help the cause a bit. That hand soon went back and I flipped the not-actually-there hair from my fair. Nervous habit I guess.

“True,” He began, that air of confidence still so present. “Show a girl your eyes and she’ll either freak the fuck out or comment on how awesome they are. Daring move Strider.”

“I already know you like them, so there’s no risk at all.” That was odd- hearing my voice not completely small and cautious but actually- assertive.

“But I thought I wasn’t supposed to be John?”

“Doesn’t mean you don’t like the same things.”

He made a sound through his exhale and rolled his eyes. “Like you know what I like. Those three girls up in Washington don’t know you. Unless you’re invading my privacy and reading my diary.” He made another dramatic gasp before laughing. “How dare you.”

“I would actually laugh my ass off if you had a diary bro. And then post every part of it online.”

There was a small snort that broke through his laugh as he nodded. “You so would.”

Though daring really was the right word to use. One daring move after another, I tugged him forward and smirked down at him. His eyes just widened a little and he took a breath.

“Dave I-”

“I thought you were going to play along? Because this is what I would do with this person.”

“And this would make the girl fall for you?”

I gave a small shrug which made him actually try and keep his arms up there, which he thankfully did.

“I don’t know. Would it?”

“Well, if you were a girl. I’d have to say no. But if the roles were switched and I had some fine hunny in my arms- well I’m just not sure. It just might work.”

I was glad for the subtle height difference between us, giving me an excuse to crane my head a little and nod. It was almost daunting how close our faces were. Daunting and cruel as hell. I was still trying to figure out why I was putting myself through this. It was completely unfair, but any chance like this was one I would take in a heartbeat.

There was still a small upwards quirk of my lips that kept me from laughing at the sheer awkwardness I was putting myself through. “So I can successfully woo them?”

“If the girl likes to taken charge of then I suppose so. Though there are some that don’t like this so much.”

“I don’t think that’ll be an issue with them.”

He looked up a little which had to be the worst thing he could’ve done in this moment. The cool and collected façade I had so greatly managed to keep up was melting so quickly under that blue eyed gaze into my usual pool of fumbling hormonal leaps of emotion and the ever present need to stop everything and smash our faces together.

“Now that you have them in such a position, just what would you do now Mr. Cool Kid?”

Those words went almost unregistered as I stared back at him and lifted my chin just a bit to inch my face that much closer. His look was so expecting and curious; I didn’t know how to handle it. First reaction began, tilting my head and actually contemplating throwing all my fucks to give off the top of the building, ruining every thought of hesitation I had had up to this point, going against whatever I fed into my own mind, and kissing him right there in his back yard of some shitty suburban house taking whatever consequence it brought head on.

But of course, my second kicked in shortly and I was reeling back. All that rationality was flooding back in and my nerves were taking the reins again. I pulled my head away, quickly heading north and pressing an utterly desperate and chaste kiss to his forehead.

Oh god the look he was giving me. Wide eyed and confused as I had only one thought.

What the ever loving fuck did I just do?

But suddenly he was laughing. Arms falling from my shoulders and going to hold his sides as he laughed and snorted.  A hand reached up to rub his forehead, the other wiping at his eyes.

“Oh my god Dave- you just lost that girl. She’s probably thinking ‘god what a prude’ not even giving her a proper kiss.” He waved a hand, just trying to stop himself from laughing. “I mean, I know you wouldn’t kiss me or any shit like that, but you could have at least told me that’s what you were going to do. Holy shit that- whatever that was is just pathetic.”

I had absolutely no idea how to respond. Like so many other times, he had left me embarrassed and speechless. My mouth fell open a bit to respond, but just then, a loud crackling boom shot up from the other corner. Both our heads snapped up to see the bright red firework explode in the sky above us. He turned to see it better, but while his attention was following each explosion in the sky, mine was trapped in the fact that my hands were still pathetically holding onto him in some lost hope that this was something it wasn’t. Only pretending that he wanted them there as much as I did.

* * *

 

 

By morning, I was in my own bed. I have no idea what time we got home or when I actually went to sleep, but there was still a fleeing disappointment. It was odd not have John there when I went to sleep. Odd when I woke up and his way-too-adorable sleeping face wasn’t on the pillow next to mine. I didn’t quite know how to feel about that awkward emptiness, but I didn’t feel the need to address it.

At least not yet.

I’d have plenty of time to confront those feelings, wouldn’t I?


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey guys, kind of short chapter, but I figured I’d rather upload this much than add the other half. Hopefully it’ll be up soon too!**

 

* * *

 

And just like that, summer break was over. In a matter of three days I will have to return to that hell hole with nothing but my minuscule trio of friends and hours of zoning out through shit I didn't care about. At this point not even the fact that I'd see John made things better. He still said he hadn't looked at his schedule, so I didn't even know if we had any classes together.

One year down.

Three to go.

La-di-fucking-da.

I didn't have much planned for these last few days. Today was going to be spent finished up my procrastinated summer assignments and reading some most likely shitty book. The only highlight was going to be tomorrow spending one last night at the Egbert house before sleepovers would drop to a minimum. Schoolwork keeping John busy, considering he actually overachieved in his work, made it harder to spend time together even on the weekends during the year.

And so, we decided to have one last shebang before our lives slowly became consumed by books and mind-numbingly monotonous weeks of fine education.

But as of right now, the only thing pulling me out of bed is the rich scent of pancakes and syrup that only meant one thing; English is cooking breakfast. This was one of the only consistent things over the summer that could drag me out of my warm blankets before a pristine one o’clock. Socked feet skidded across the floor as I wandered from my room and emerged into the too bright apartment, one eye scrunched shut and the other squinting quite a bit.

A loud “G’morning kiddo!” was really all it took for my eyes to shoot open. I already knew the burly man in my kitchen was here, but it didn’t stop his voice from scaring the shit out of me every morning he decided to be all too awake for the hour. It didn’t take long for me to find Bro in his usual lounging position on the couch doing nothing whatsoever. Managing to drag his legs from one end, I sat down where they were and waited for the food to be done.

“You have a great wife,” I remarked after glancing over my shoulder.

“Yeah but his husband’s little brother is a real dick.”

Before I could bite back there was a rather offended shout from the kitchen. “Now who says I’m the wife? Just because I can cook doesn’t mean I am more feminine then your dainty hands and girlish mannerisms.”

“Don’t forget my lady hips.” He added, putting a finger into the air. “I’m damn proud of my curves.”

"I don't understand your fucked up relationship." I muttered crossing my arms as I slouched down into the couch.

"I don't think we do either but- don't get too comfy now. I just finished whipping put some pancakes. Come on over sport and grab some."

With an indifferent huff I pulled myself from the couch, slugging over and sinking back down at the table.

"So did you enjoy yourself this summer?"

Even after all the years he's spent with us English still didn't seem to comprehend the fact that we weren't exactly the ones for conversation of any sort. Though I could at least spare him it this time because he was then setting a plate of warm pancakes in front of my hunched self an drizzling them with syrup.

"It was nice." I promptly began shoving fork fulls into my mouth but the answer didn't seem to satisfy him.

"Just nice? I'd thought all the swell things you did would make it more than fine."

"Pretty fucking great."

“That’s more like it!” He chimed happily just as he sat down.

I would have taken the time to give another short reply, but there was suddenly a shadow over me and an arm coming over my shoulder to grab a couple pancakes off the stack before it vanished.

“I hate to dine and dash on you love, but duty calls. I’ll be back at some point tonight kiddo.”

The last part was muffled through a mouthful of food as he turned and stomped on his shoes. And just like that he was out the door and leaving me in an awkward situation where I didn’t want to talk and Jake couldn’t find anything to talk about. No matter how many times I’d been in a situation similar to this, I still couldn’t find anything to talk about with this guy. I never would understand how anyone managed to converse with him. So we both settled for staying quiet and finishing our way through our plates of food.

When we were done, Jake began cleaning up all the plates and I stood to leave him to washing them. He looked up from scrubbing one of the plated and shut the water off.

“Hey Dave, can I actually have a word with you?”

So now he decides to talk. Despite my condescending doubts, I turned back around and scratched at my stomach. “Yeah sure, what is it?”

He wiped off his hands before walking back around the counter and sitting down.  He patted the spot across the table, looking down to the chair before looking back up. It was obvious he wasn’t going to start talking before I took my seat again, so I complied and slouched back down and quirked a brow back at him.

“I’m going to tell you a little bit about the past of your brother and I, is that okay?”

I sat back with a shrug. “I guess.”

“Aces- alright this is going to be a lot, so let me just start with when we first met then. Of course I came to know him when we were about twelve, so it was quite a while ago. I first moved here with my grandma and met him out of complete coincidence; probably the damn best coincidence the ever happen to me. Kind of a sad stereotype really. You have the common scene in your teen movies with ‘oh no, the new kid has no one to sit with at lunch’. Sad, yes I know. You may think I’m lying- but no, I’m completely serious. Well I just sat down at an empty table, not thinking anything about it. Now here’s the funny part- your brother got down right upset that I sat there. There was suddenly a shadow over my back and when I turned around, there he was. My first reaction was to stifle a laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of those blasted shades. Second being to question why he was staring at me and holding a tray with an oddly tight grasp. It turns out I happened to be sitting at what he claimed ‘his table’. Well that only made me laugh more. I didn’t really think he expected me to move, but he did. As you know I’m not the most perceptive fellow. So when I didn’t move I think it became rather bothersome to him. But he just sat down at the other end and began eating. Anything I said he would either ignore or only give a small sound of affirmation. To be honest, my first impression of him wasn’t very fond to my memory. I never thought I’d get to the position I’m in currently. But here I am.”

 

I sat back a bit in my chair, arms crossing as I nodded. “How did you get here then? If someone was like that to me I’d never talk to them again.”

“I didn’t think I would. He was truly sour to me, and it made me want to leave him alone. But I continued to see him around. We had similar classes and I occasionally sat at “his table”. It was odd, but he interested me. Silent and solitary people like him and even you are very intriguing. Makes me want to know what’s going on in your noggins. So I tried to get to know him. People didn’t really seem to like Dirk. I wanted to know why. They just said he was weir, but none of them had talked to him past more than a few words. I decided I’d make my own decision on just how weird he was. Don’t think it was easy though. It took about a month or two to actually get him to start talking back, but once he did, I’d say we became chaps fairly speedy. He was, and still is, a very interesting person. At first glance people may not think so, but he’s extremely brilliant. I know my opinion is bias and such nowadays, but even back then I always thought he was.”

“Yeah, he got the brains-”

“You’re smart too.”

“I know, I know. I just have to apply myself.”

“Exactly. Now, I’m not the brightest. I would try- and once Dirk and I became friends, he really helped me. We’d have long discussions while we studied. He’d always tell me about some contraption he was building, and I’d expound upon what I’d done back where I lived. Between the two of us, alone, we had enough conversation to last for a while. But you see, the real point of this conversation is something a little different. Because I met him when we were twelve, it took four- four and a half years until we got to the point of actually dating. Even then it was a loose term. I’m not a very perceptive man either, that much is obvious. And so, your brother and I went through some difficult hogwash. When we were fifteen or so, he began to develop somewhat secretive feelings towards me. For the longest time no one knew apart from Roxy I believe. Though she really is his consultant about everything, so it was only likely she knew all along. Apparently he tried his best to make his feelings known to me, but my dunderheadedness made it difficult to understand his motives half the time. And that wasn’t the only thing that made it hard. You might be surprised, but at this time I myself had a small fondness for dear Jane. I believed it was reciprocated for a while, but things began to fall apart very quickly. You and your brother seem to have a knack for hiding how you actually feel most of the time- even if that does include becoming bitter and defensive about almost everything.”

“It’s called his passive aggressiveness.” I remarked with the roll of my eyes.

“Don’t flatter yourself- you have it too.”

“I’m fully aware, but please, continue with your story.”

“My story? Please Strider, this is not just some tale I’m spouting off to you. This is important. I don’t think you know all that much about your brother or your- situation.”

“What situation?”

“Hush! Just let me talk. We’re getting there, lad. Now then, back to it. So I first began to pursue my feelings towards her when I was fifteen. You may know she’s two years older than me, so believe it when I say it was some feat to even get my courage up. I tried multiple times to address her on the fact, but every time I failed and nothing came of it. It was for the best I suppose. Without that fear of rejection, I might have gotten with her and scared Dirk away for good. I was mighty foolish back then. I’d tell him all the time of my troubles with Jane. I never realized how short he became with me when I did. It probably would have been obvious to anyone else. You two aren’t as subtle as you may think. I know- it’s a shocker, but I guess that’s why guys like me don’t think anything of it. We’re a little too oblivious to notice even the overly apparent signs. So, about the time I got enough gusto to pronounce my feelings to Ms. Crocker, your brother confronted me with his own emotional state. It was a few months later, I was already sixteen, and he decided it was time to express how he felt. It was odd when suddenly the confident friend I’d known for years was now nervous and floundering around with his words. I had never seen him so uncomfortable in his own body. He’d always been an assertive fellow, so this demeanor brought on a confounding situation for me. He was flustered so much I almost couldn’t understand what he was trying to tell me. When he finally did get the point across, stating it outright bluntly, that he happened to like me in such a way, I was utterly surprised.  I hadn’t thought about him like that much up to that point. Don’t get me wrong, a fleeting curiosity may have blundered across my mind maybe once or twice, but very little. However, after this, it certainly came to me more and more. Unfortunately at the time I had to accept his feelings, but I told him I couldn’t act on them currently. He seemed to understand well enough, but things were still a bit tentative between us for a while. But he is a persistent fellow. Over time he wore me down, and before I knew it I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It was as if everything reminded me of him. It really was fascinating, and- ”

“Alright, alright, I get it; your lives soon became wonderful, rainbow filled adventures and lovey dovey romance scenes.”

“Quite the contrary young Strider. While it may have been that way for a short period of around two months, after that, the first fall out happened. In the beginning of the relationship, everything seemed swell and dandy, but he soon became a smidge over bearing. I almost began to feel suffocated under his constant pestering and prodding. It was too much after those next few weeks. I tried talking to him- believe me I did, but he either denied it was that bad, got angry with me, or delved into a spiral of pathetic apologies and constantly asking how to fix it.”

“So you ended it?”

“Not exactly.”

“But it did end?”

“For the time being, yes. But whether it was I or he that truly cut ties is a little fuzzy.”

“How? I think it should be pretty clear when someone does it.”

“Well it wasn’t. I guess technically I did, but he was the one who said it.”

“Then you “technically” didn’t. He did.”

“Jesus knickers Dave I suppose so.” He snapped almost harshly, expression turning into a scowl for a split second before he sighed. “I wasn’t just going to come out and say “Dirk, I want to end this because you’re annoying the flipping hell outta me.” That would be downright cruel.” He really did take a liking to me and it was probably because of my damn lack of personal skills. I can’t read people half as well as either of you- that’s what did it the second time I know. He got fed up with me being so fucking oblivious about everything. Said I wasn’t caring enough when I really thought nothing was wrong. I guess the second time was a lot less painful that the first and it sure didn’t last as long. The first time it was a good four or five months where we didn’t talk at all. He was almost offended that I hid everything. He told me if I had just come out and said him what I was feeling, he would have back off, but I simply couldn’t have done that.”

“But he did.”

“Bout so. He more just became very peeved until it was too much and- it was over. Just like that he dropped communication, ignored me in school, and eventually I gave up trying to remedy it. Around this time I had also realized that Jane dear had been returned my feelings for her, but by then I had already replaced all emotion with those for your brother. And I had been complaining to her for so long about it, she couldn’t deal with me anymore. She yelled at me one night for I don’t even remember how long. All about how stupid and self-centered I was. I deserved what happened for me. They had both put me in such high respects and now she realized how stupid that was. I wasn’t anything to pine after. It was completely true, and like that there went another friend- the last of mine really. I was rather alone. Believe me, I love Roxy- she’s a lovely gal, but at that point we weren’t as close as we are now. And Dirk had just about claimed her as his own. She was more like, and really still is, another half of him. Without those three I never really had anyone to talk to, and-”

“Not to interrupt the story that is the life of Jake English, but I still don’t see how this applies to me.”

“Oh, yes- right. I got a bit off topic. I more want to speak about the beginning of our relationship. About the part that actually has to do with your situation.  Remember earlier in this long ramble of my past how I was telling you about my first reaction to his confession?”

With a small sigh I sat back and crossed my arms while giving an unamused expression. “What about it?”

“Well I feel as if I was in a similar situation as your friend, and you are in the same as your brother- you two are just back a few steps.”

I was just about tired of this. Pushing away from the table, I got to my feet out of sheer annoyance of this topic constantly being brought up and shoved the chair back under before leaning over the table. “For christ’s sake- will you and Bro please stop trying to talk to me about this? I mean it’s nothing- fucking nothing and I’m sick of you two trying to explain shit to me I already know.”

He sunk back in his chair a bit and cringed. “Just hear me out- I really think I can help. He could too if you’d just listen to him.”

“I don’t want to. He just wants to tease me.”

“That’s just what he does you know that-”

“Yeah, well it’s not helpful when you’re trying to talk to him about something serious.”

“Which is why I’m trying instead. It’s obvious you’re not going to talk to him, so tell me instead. I was on the other end anyway. While he may know what you’re going through, I at least have a little advice to give.”

“And what would that be? Please enlighten me English. I’m all ears to this most likely slew of stupidity that is going to fumble out of your mouth.”

His face grew a bit more annoyed at that comment, almost as if he was trying to pick apart just how angered that insult should make him. “You should tell him how you feel.”

I stood up completely and started to walk past him to head back to my room. “Yeah- right. Okay thank, you know the way out.”

“Just hold up a second Strider.” He said quickly, standing and grabbing my wrist to turn me around.

Jerking my hand away, I turned and stared up at him. “Why should I? I’m not going to destroy my friendship because of some little fluttery feeling that’ll go away soon.”

“And if it doesn’t?”

“It will. I’ve had crushes before- they go away pretty quick.”

“But how do you know something good won’t come out of it?”

“That’s what everyone asks.”

“And your answer is?”

“Because I know he’s all ‘no homo bro’, and excuse me, but that seems a little discouraging to me.”

“I thought I was straight too. And that’s why you should listen to me.” He layered a hard poke to my chest and gave me a stern look. “Because I do know what I’m talking about. I never would have done anything that I have if your brother hadn’t told me exactly what he was feeling. I would have left any thought of it behind and never once questioned anything about who I was. So by golly you’d better tell him. A little confusion may be just what that kid needs to realize something about himself.”

My hand had already curled around his finger and tossed it away by the time my glare was fading behind think tinted glass. “And if telling him fucks everything up?”

“Then he’s not the kind of chum you make him out to be. From what I can tell it wouldn’t change your friendship. I wouldn’t have changed mine all that much. If it does, you can give me a good ol’ punch to the chin, alright?”

“I’m not making any promises.”

He down right grinned at that and gave me a hard pat on the shoulder. “When are you seeing him next?”

“Tonight.” I answered, but the sheer thought of telling him all this shit made my stomach drop and my eyes widen a bit.

“Don’t psyche yourself out now.” He said with the obvious note of my change in expression. “You’ll be fine- you’re a Strider aren’t you? Isn’t that what Dirk always tells you and somehow creates confidence?”

“Don’t point out how ridiculous it is for a name to give you confidence. Please- it just does. Because we’re fucking awesome and amazing people.”

“Right, so just do it. Let what happens happen.”

“I may.” My reply was a little quiet as I brushed his hand away and turned around. “I guess I’ll talk to you at some point on the other side.”

“Good luck, Dave.” He called after with as much sincerity as I think I’ve ever heard in his voice.

But damn did I need some luck right now.


	14. Chapter 14

Later that afternoon, I found myself sitting on one side of a booth in a burger joint a little further into the city. It took a considerable amount of time more to walk there than just into town, and it was still hotter than Satan’s ass, but John finally convinced me after an hour of begging. He had gotten quite used to the heat in the little less than a year that he’d been here, especially since it feels like summer starts practically after the Christmas threes come down. So we walked from my apartment, and about an hour in, we were surrounded by tall buildings and our stomachs were growling. That’s when we stopped at this place and how I came to begin the debate in my head of whether I should tell him or not. While I must admit Jake’s speech did give me a little more incentive and, pathetically, hope, I was still scared shitless when I actually thought about doing it.

You’d think I’d have the guts to at least say that much, but alas, like the coward I was, nothing ever came of that lunch. It was all just idle chitchat and talking about what we’d been doing for the past few weeks. Usually conversation like this bored me, but I didn’t have to do much of the talking when I was with John. He could talk for hours and never get annoyed that my replies were mostly a few words and a couple humming sounds. Half the time I didn’t even pay attention to what he was saying. That was becoming a really bad habit. I just sort of stared at him and nodded while watching his face and the different expressions that passed over it. It was either that or think about spilling stupid mushy feelings all over his hetero little heart and getting rejected. Staring and admiring was much better than dying inside.

Look at me getting overly dramatic about this shit. It was like it would be the end of the world if he got weirded out by it all. Sure, everything would be unchangeable after that and it would be awkward and uncomfortable every time I was near him and it would probably feel like I’d been stabbed in the chest and all my innards were swirling around and yanked out-

But it wasn’t like I’d actually die.

My train of thought followed a similar path throughout lunch despite how much I wanted it to stray to something much happier. Before I even knew what was happening, I had eaten a burger and there was a check in front of me. I went to grab it, but John convinced me that because I paid last time it was his turn. It did go in my favor, especially considering I only had about ten dollars in my pocket and who knows what he’d be dragging me around to do. And apparently he didn’t know either. After he paid, he was set on leading me down the street towards nothing in particular. He told me he’d stop if he saw something interesting. So far that had been a candy store in which we bought two big lollipops and a store of useless shit where he was determined to find something of worth. The problem was we were in there for about ten minutes before this old woman got mad because we were eating in her shop. We told her we’d put them in the plastic again, but she wasn’t having any sort of reasoning and inevitably made us leave. We had a good laugh about that one and carried on the down the street making fun of her obvious smoker voice and odd mix of southern and some sort of accent I couldn’t describe.

I almost thought we were going to wander around until it got dark and we had to turn around and head home, but that ending was cut short by John’s arm randomly ramming into my chest and all but clotheslining me into a stop.

“Whatthefuck-” Was my immediate quickly sputtered response as I tried my best to not fall over myself and earn a mouthful of pavement.

I was promptly shooshed as John stepped to the side a few times and stuck his head around the corner of an alley. He waved me over, but kept his eyes in the darkened shadows of the buildings. “Listen.”

I did just as he said, but I heard nothing other than the few cars that passed and probably thought we were idiots with our heads halfway stuck in an alleyway.

“I really hear nothing Egbert. What are you trying to-”

“ _Shh_ \- just listen. It was there a minute ago.”

“Can you at least tell me what you heard? I’m not going down there for something that may or may not stab me, and I would hope-”

“Shut up. I know I heard something.”

I was going to try and ask him again or at least talk him out of what he was already doing which was walking into it and peering around the boxes and bags of trash for some unknown object he supposedly heard.

“John I-”

“Dave.” He hissed in a slight whisper as he whipped his head back in my direction. “I know not talking is really hard for you, but please shutthefuckup.”

And leaving me a bit surprised, he went right back to searching until he darted off in one direction. I heard it that time- I think. There was a small meowing type of sound from the back corner where the alley met another building. Tossing boxes to the side and a bag two, he suddenly stopped and crouched down behind a trashcan. I walked closer to see just what it was, but before I was even there he was standing up with a little black and tattered clump of very shaky and whining fur in his arm. My first thought was to grimace at how disgusting it looked all covered in trash and wet from who knows what, but that disgust soon melted into pity as it was brought closer, squirming and trying to get away. He held it tightly, not letting it go from his arms until it finally calmed enough to where he could push back the fur and find its face. Tired and glossy pale blue eyes squinted up before it let out another pitiful meow. It couldn’t have been more than a month or two old and yet it was either left here in a pile of trash.

“Told you I heard something.” He muttered, looking down at it solemnly and petting it carefully.

“Sorry for doubting you bro.”

I bent over a bit and used a finger to lift its head a bit before giving it another once over and standing up straight with a slight grunt. Turning around, hands in my pockets, I began slowly walking out of the alley until I heard his footsteps following me and I sped up to a normal pace. He kept shifting it from arm to arm and lifting it up to stare at it before settling it back down only to do it all over again. I could tell from small glances down it was getting uncomfortable with all the strange movement from its quiet whines and stops in purring whenever he’d move it around. Without word, I stopped and waited until he noticed and took a step back. Taking the little gross thing from him, I tucked it between my arm and stomach and kept walking. It quickly wiggled its way down and continuously purred as we walked.

“I would’ve given her to you if you asked.”

“Her.” I muttered shortly after and glanced back down at it. “You kept jostling it around and it didn’t like it- How do you even know it’s a girl?”

“Because I looked. Do I need to explain the difference between girls and boys to you little David?”

“No.” My voice was too close to a grumble now that I just focused my attention on the smelly thing in my arms. “And don’t call me that.”

“We need to give her a name.”

“No we don’t.”

He scoffed a bit and looked at me briefly before going back to the sidewalk. “And why not?”

“Because if we name it you’ll get attached to it even more.”

“Would that be a bad thing?”

“Not if you’re going to keep it.”

“I can’t.” He replied, sounding a bit sadder as he took a small skip forward. “My dad’s allergic so he’d like- die if I did.”

“Well I can’t. Bro isn’t really an animal person, and neither am I.”

“Says the one who took her from me.”

“You were going to make it puke or some shit with all your moving it around and looking at it. I was doing it a favor.”

“Her.” He replied quickly, almost under his breath. “But whatever- just think about it. We can’t just leave it out on the street. I’m sure you’ll fall in love with her soon and you won’t be able to say goodbye.”

“Yeah, sure. That’s what’s going to happen.” I remarked sarcastically with the roll of my eyes.

“Back to what I was saying though- we need to name her.”

“Name it if you want. I won’t be calling it anything other than shitball. I think that’s an appropriate name. Little, stinky shitball.”

“You’re going to get attached to it now.” There was an obvious tone of both sarcasm and mockery in his voice that made me sneer a bit and scowl down at it.

“No way I could get attached to a shitball.”

“I think we should name her Liz.” He muttered, taking another glance to her.

“Liz? Kind of a random name don’t you think? I mean, why not name it something that cats are usually called like Whiskers or Mittens or Cat for all I care. But, Liz? What’s cat like about that?”

“It was my mother’s name.”

And the asshole award of the year goes to me. Congratulations douchelord.

I tried my best to play it off with a small chuckle and the hunching of my shoulders, but he wasn’t really here anymore. “Egbert I-”

“Don’t apologize or anything. How would you have known? Besides, it’s not like I’m the only one here to have lost a parent.” He looked back up to me and flashed a toothy grin. “She just reminds me a bit of my mom. The color of her eyes is like hers and my grandmas. It’s comforting. We all have dark hair too, I mean, it’s not quite as black as the fur, but it’s still pretty dark. It may be a little sappy, but I felt like it fits.”

My eyes fell back to the now asleep bundle as I nodded still feeling pretty shitty about being one of the worst friends in the world. “Yeah, it does. I guess Liz is a good name for it.”

“Her.” He said almost breathlessly, but quieted down after that- we both did. The sound of our feet against the sidewalk and the quiet purring in my arms was all I paid attention to as we kept walking. Whether it was the fact that we didn’t have many things to talk about or that we just enjoyed the silence, I wasn’t disappointed that most of the conversation ended there. I would have been perfectly fine to have stayed that way, just enjoying the day. It was hot, but at least it wasn’t ice balls cold. I had to take what I was given. And what I was given was a sunny day with a goofy kid and apparently now a cat. If John ever did try to spark up conversation again, I gave him short answers that made it sizzle down quickly until he finally got the point to just stay quiet and keep walking. The whole way back home I think he asked me at least four times whether or not I was keeping the thing. I finally agreed to it after he practically begged not to take to a shelter or give to some random person like those people who sit outside Wal-Mart with a box of sad looking free puppies. It was going to suck having to buy shit for it all the time, but I couldn’t go back on my word now or let him down after he desperately pleaded with those stupid big eyes and quivering frown. I needed to learn how to say no to that face.

By the time we were home, I had done quite a bit of thinking. Silence is the key to discovery sometimes. And this discovery for me was to get over my pansy ass feelings. Standing in my room while he sat on my bed with shoes tossed to the floor and the now freshly washed and cleanly soft kitten in his lap, I decided I needed to tell him before school started again- I’d lose all nerve then. At least if he rejected me now, I could take a few days to recuperate before having to face him again. He’d probably be fine, like nothing ever happened. He probably wouldn’t want anyone to know in case they started calling him homo or some shit, so he wouldn’t tell either way. Besides, if I waited any longer, I risked one of the too many people who already knew telling him. That’d be even worse than getting rejected. I wanted to put this as delicately as I could. Maybe it wouldn’t weird him out too much. Maybe he’d actually been feeling somewhat of the same and he was just hiding it because he was afraid of the same things I was. Hopefully it wouldn’t hurt too much.

“Hey John-” Well shit, there went all confidence from my mind when I heard the sheer shake in my voice.

I quickly cleared my throat as he lifted his head but held onto the shitball as his other hand pushed his glasses into place.

“Yeah man?”

Almost nervously a hand rose to brush down the hair on the back of my head before rubbing my neck and scratching. “Not much. I just had something I wanted to talk about if you don’t mind putting little shitball down for a moment.”

He made an offended noise as he pushed it off his lap and stood. “I’d be happy to put _Liz_ down.”

“Right, shitball. Okay, cool.”

“You alright bro? You’re kind of-” He waved his hands around in the air, apparently to express how I was ’kind of’ being, but it more looked like he was trying to swat at an imaginary bee.

“I’m fine.” That was probably one of the quickest replies I’ve ever muttered out as my fingers gave my hair a tug before my hand fell back to my side. “I just need to get something out here. So I’m just going to say it, alright?”

He cut in quickly, his entire dropping any emotion. “I actually have something that I’d like to say first- can I?”

My eyes flicked up from the ground to his face, but I let him go without question or hesitation. “Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead.”

“Well… Uh, you see, I really should have mentioned this a while ago- but it was kind of hard to bring it up because it’s not the happiest thing to happen So- well- my dad’s kind of been asked to return back to his old job I think- it’s likely he’s getting transferred again. The manager back in Washington said he was just trying something new when he sent him down here, but something about the numbers aren’t the same. So, apparently he wants him back or some sort of shit. It’s better pay for him, and we are renting this house. July’s almost up, so it wouldn’t affect anything with that. My aunt’s been living in our old house right now, so we don’t have to worry about that either. My dad said he really didn’t want to since switching schools isn’t good for me and all- especially since I have all my old friends like you and Jade and Rose back, but I need to help him do what’s best for the both of us, not just me.”

My heart all about dropped. Every thought either split to keeping my face in the same expression and my hands from shaking or trying to slow the sudden whirlwind in my head and the leaps of emotion from flying out of my mouth.

“So, you’re moving back.” It wasn’t a question. When anything ever came as a surprise to me, it was never questioned because I just repeated back the facts as blunt as I could.

He played my flatness off with a nervous laugh, going straight to rubbing his neck and looking away. The kid’s habits were so clear I don’t see how anyone could miss what he was thinking at all times.

“Yeah, eh- looks like it”

There was a low hum that came short from my throat as I turned and began moving things around on my desk. “When are you leaving?” I asked it with as little tone change as I could control, but it still sounded like a wife who was accusing her husband of cheating or shit like that.

“Three days...” He said a little sheepishly.

A laugh was caught in my throat. I always laughed when I was upset- apparently that’s a coping mechanism for some people. My hands stopped moving long enough to let the laugh out and shake my head once before I began shuffling around again. “Three days, eh?” That mutter was enough for him to catch me by the arm and stop me.

“Dave, are you okay?”

I cracked a very fake smile- clear indicator I was all but okay. He took note quickly as his pretty little face contorted and the brightness in those goddamn blue eyes dimmed considerably.

“’Course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

His hand dropped from my arm, and he stepped back to stare at me blankly. “Because I’m leaving… and you’re my best friend.” _And I love you._ “I know I’m not okay.”

For some reason I couldn’t get rid of my smile no matter how fake it was. “Listen kid, it’s not like you’re dying.”

“I know, we’ll still talk and shit, but it won’t be the same, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Won’t matter to me. You moved away once and we became friends again.”

“Yeah, but-”

“Egbert. Are you trying to make me sad?” Wow, that smile was still there, but it was slowly and surprisingly becoming more sincere the longer I stared at his face. It was sad, and all I really wanted to do right then was keep him in Texas so he’d stopped frowning so much. “Do you want me to say this is the end, after this we won’t be friends?”

“No!” He immediately piped with the sudden tightening of his brow.

“Then shut up and play some games with me.”

“I just don’t want anything to change.”

My mouth was open in an already formed reply but there was a searing pain in my toe that made me step back quickly and snap my head down. That stupid cat had its mouth chewing away at my foot and goddammit that hurt like hell. Of course as I was kicking it away, John was laughing his ass off and bending down to pick it up and nuzzle their noses together. I was half glaring back at it, sitting on the floor to rub at my toe unhappily. He just kept praising it and petting it with little coos and hums of affection. Completely but iconically quick change in emotion for him.

“You shouldn’t be teaching it to bite me.”

“ _Her._ ” He quickly corrected me, tucking it away in his arms and shaking his head at me. “Stop calling her an it. And besides, it won’t matter what I teach her because you’re the one who has to deal with it. As long as she doesn’t bite me I’m fine.”

Just about the time my mind started to take that statement and twist it into a crippling thought of how true it was because he was moving, there was a rough tongue against my nose and whiskers tickling my face. My eyes crossed to look at the blue staring back at me, until John’s head popped out to the side from behind it and he grinned. “I think she loves you. Here- hold her. I’ll get the stupid game you wanted to play set up.”

I didn’t really want to hold the tiny cat, but I wasn’t going to drop it after he practically shoved it into my arms and turned around. It nuzzled its way down in between my arm and chest, making a quiet purring as it rubbed its head against the bend of my arm. I idly took to scratching its head until it stopped moving but kept up the low purrs. On came the quick curses in my head because I couldn’t believe I was beginning to think this thing was actually kind of cute. With a quick huff, I lifted my head back to get my attention away from the fluff of fur in my arms and instead watched John hook up the shitty Nintendo from the cabinet beneath my tv and fiddle around with some chords until the familiar tune of Mario kart 64 started beeping away from the speakers. With an unnecessary vrooming sound and growl from John picking Bowser, there was a frantic twitch in my arms as a little black blur jumped down and scrambled underneath my bed. I wasn’t too worried about it, shrugging the occurrence off to it being scared by the sudden noise. I sat down next to John and picked up the other controller before begrudgingly picking Luigi.

“Dude, you know Bowsers my character.” I remarked as I settled back against the side of my bed and propped arms up on my knees.

“Yeah, well maybe if you hadn’t been busy loving on little Lizzie then you could have had time to pick him.”

“I wasn’t loving on it- you shoved it in my arms.”

“I’ll shove you if you don’t stop calling her and it.” He grumbled in response and picked course- it was fucking moo moo farm, but I tried my best not to complain.

“You do realize this fucking level is the joke of Mario kart. The only thing more of a joke is Rainbow Road, but at least that one’s difficult. It’s hard, but it’s like the biggest troll in the entire game. This one’s just annoying with all its shitty little gophers that pop up. That is literally the only remotely not easy part in this whole level. ” Looks like I failed.

“Will you please shut up?” He remarked, already starting up with his twisting and leaning.

“You know doing that doesn’t help you suck any less?”

He flailed about for a moment until he managed to kick my ankle and lean over against my shoulder. “You’re in my way.”

“Yeah, well you’re in my space. This leaning thing you do does not make you turn any better.”

“Really- just shut the fuck up or I’ll kick you again.”

“I’m so scared.” I teased, but scooted away anyway just to be safe.

It was no surprise that I won that course; John really did suck at Mario kart most of the time. I don’t know why he picked it every time nor did I know why I always agreed. I won the next round and I would have won the one after that too, but in the middle of it something was pushing at my arm and crawling up into my lap. There were little claws picking at my shorts and a face rubbing itself against my stomach. I chose to ignore it again and continue playing, but it wasn’t going to have that. The claws were quickly batting at the controller and it was soon chewing on the joy stick. This made me drive right off the side of a bridge and into the water. It through me into a huffing fit as I picked the kitten up and sat it back down beside me just in time to keep driving and eventually catch up. It would have all been fine if it was right back to chewing on it again and being a little shit head. I was up against a wall at this point, trapped in a corner and grumbling frustrated curses as I fought with it to get the controller back. John soon was shouting about his victory before turning to laugh at my misfortune as he switched to his baby voice again.

“Aw, you’re a good little kitty-” Snatching it out of my lap, he began scratching under its chin and grinning. “You helped me win. Good job.”

“I’m done with this.” I said as I tossed the controller to the floor and shut the Nintendo off.

“You’re just upset she made you lose.”

With a sigh, I shook my head and stood. “That couldn’t be less from the truth. I’m just tired of getting rammed into by your excessive squirming.”

“Well excuse me- I apologize for winning.” He got to his feet, setting the cat down on my bed where it happily rolled itself up into one of my discarded shirts and laid down. “Hey, do you have anything to eat?”

I looked out the door at the hallway somehow thinking that might let me see into the kitchen before I shrugged. “Dunno, probably got some Chinese in the fridge if you don’t mind heating it up.”

“Sounds fine to me.”

With a nod I was already walking out the door, but without him behind me, I turned back and whipped around the door. “Are you coming or-” He was simply standing there and staring down at the ball of fur and cloth as it slept. “Egbert, it’s fine. I’ll shut the door so it can’t go anywhere.”

He gave a small nod, but continued to stare at it for a little longer before walking past me and into the kitchen. “Her.” He repeated for the hundredth time that day.

The rest of the night was a normal time of when we got together. We finished eating and settled back down in my floor to watch a movie. In a matter of minutes there was that damn cat in my lap, bumping me with its head until I gave in a pet it. After a while the purrs quieted as it fell asleep again. I made some comment about how I was going to have to buy a bed eventually- and tell Bro that hey, we have a cat now. I didn’t think he’d really care, but it would be better than him randomly finding it, getting scared, and karate chopping it in half. I’d tell him in the morning I guess- before I took John home. He apparently had a lot of packing to finish up. Another reason I hadn’t been to his house. It wasn’t so much because he was busy, it was more because his house had been filled with boxes since right after the Fourth of July party he had. After a short conversation about the kitten and how exactly I was going to manage taking care of it, the rest of the movie was watched in silent. Very few words were spoken until we had put the kitten, much to its disdain, in the bathroom for the night, and I left a note on Bro’s door explaining that it was in there and why. It was about midnight by the time we were laying in my bed and staring up at the ceiling.

“Hey Dave,” John began like he always did when he wanted to say something but was going to be awkward about it.

“Yeah, kid?”

“I was going to say something earlier-”

“You don’t want anything to change.” I cut in quickly, remembering exactly what was happening until the shit was being bit out of my foot. “It won’t, so stop worrying.”

“We’ve both got phones- not like we won’t talk.”

“Are you trying to convince yourself of that?”

He rolled on his side, hooking an arm under his head and huffing. “I don’t want to think I have to. I can’t just lose my best friend, but it’s always kind of hard to have this kind of friendship from half way across the country.”

“Not impossible though- hell people do it all the time.” I turned my head and let my arms rest across my stomach. “It’d be kind of like if we became friends online.”

“I guess. Will you tell the girls goodbye for me?”

“Like hell I will.” I all but scoffed. “Do you know how pissed Jade would be if you didn’t tell her?”

He laughed a little, pushing at my shoulder. “You’re scared of her.”

This made me crack a smile and chuckle quietly. “That may be true, but so are you and that only means you really do have to tell her.”

“Maybe I’ll go see them sometime this weekend if I finish packing that is.”

As much as it pained me to say it, I offered to help him pack, but he declined and said it would be easier if he did it himself. Said he would have loved it, but it was something he needed to do alone. I didn’t feel like prying any more than that. We were tired and it was a sad thought, so I didn’t mess with it. We fell silent after that. He was still on his side, but he took to fiddling with the blanket as I looked back to the ceiling.

“I guess this is kind of like a goodbye then.” I muttered after a while. It really wasn’t meant to come out of my mouth, but I couldn’t cover it up now that I had broken the silence.

Even so, he didn’t respond for quite some time. Eventually, he shifted a bit and sighed. “I don’t like goodbyes.”

“I don’t think anyone does.”

“Then why call them goodbyes? Why not like badbyes or some shit like that?”

“Because who wants to give someone a badbye? There meant to bring closure so who wants that to be bad?”

“Goodbyes are just unsettling and sad.”

I remained quiet until I closed my eyes and rubbed my face. “I take it back then.”

“What?” He asked where the confusion was prominent in his voice.

“My goodbye, I take it back.”

“What else is there to say though? You can’t just not say anything. If not a goodbye… then what?”

“Goodnight.” I replied after a moment, but it was met with a quick huff.

“Well okay- goodnight to you too then.”

He sounded offended and it made my head shake, my eyes open to look at him, and my voice come back quickly. “No, I didn’t mean it like that. I won’t say goodbye- I’ll say goodnight. We’ll see each other again, right? So it isn’t a goodbye, it’ll just be a goodnight.”

I could tell he was trying not to smile. He didn’t think this was the time to smile, but the tiny upturn of the corners of his mouth and the barely noticeable creases in his cheeks were enough to say that he was pleased with the idea.

“Alright, well, goodnight then.”

“Goodnight, John.”

He finally full out smiled and with a nod closed his eyes.

It was odd that something I had said to him countless times before seemed to mean something different now. He always became oddly sentimental the later it got. I think everybody does. Being tired makes you think more, it makes you irrational and your thoughts no longer run full circles. It could lead to the best and worst decisions- tonight was both of those combined.

 _"Egbert-"_ That was the only thing that had broken the almost silent sounds of his breathing in the last immeasurable amount of time. It could have been anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour later, but I was staring at him intently, unable to sleep yet and thoughts still swirling through my head. My hand snaked out from the cover, poking him in the cheek and quickly whispering another _Egbert-_ With no reply, I wiggled over a bit. My expression smoothed out into a rather flat one that was a bit too tender for my own good. I poked his cheek again which assured me he really was asleep. That hand uncurled from the point to go flat against his cheek and begin brushing it lightly with the side of my thumb. Had I ever mentioned how adorable a sleeping John was? No glasses and hair all swept in different directions- I couldn't think of anything else more perfect than the kid beside me. I couldn't believe he was moving. My mind simply wouldn't let me accept it. He wouldn't be at school. My room would once again be empty on the weekends. My heart would no longer be tortured, but it would also come to ache more than I ever thought it could for one person. He was leaving again, and this time he may never come back. I finally took the time to frown. Only in the shield of the darkness did I feel comfortable in showing what my expression really looked like. Deep set frown, brows curved down, eyes dim and confused. This is how it really was. Not flat and complacent; I was distressed, my mind in pieces, sanity and any sliver of happiness being ripped apart by the seams.

I needed something- I needed to feel okay. This sadness was making me irrational; thoughts in a jumble. I yearned to go back a couple hours where he never had told me this; the time where I was going to tell him how I felt and bare what may have come. But I was a coward. I've always been a coward. And I laid in the darkness, idly stroking his cheek while I silently cursed myself for being so spineless. He needed to know.

He deserved to know.

That's how I found myself squirming closer until we were nose to nose, almost touching. I could feel his breath on my face; if I shifted my head at all our noses would brush. My hand stilled but remained in his cheek just as I whispered a final _“John”_. I thankfully got no reply whatsoever. This was all I needed to push forward and cautiously but desperately pressed my dried and cracked lips to his that were gnawed raw by his constant chewing on them. My jaw was quivering, eyes clamped shut as I stayed there, suffering and flying at the same time. It was one of the best and stupidest decisions I would ever make. I was only torturing myself now, but if anything this only made me more lost. I had sealed the deal; I would forever be madly in love with a buck toothed, nerdy, annoying, little asshole of a straight guy. It killed me. I was going to die without him. At that time I legitimately thought I might keel over right then with my mouth still on him. When I couldn't take it anymore, I pulled away and removed my hand all to my displeasure.

Through the hurricane of questions and criticisms there were still things I was sure of.

John was moving thousands of miles away.

Again.

I was in love with him.

And damn was I so fucking glad he wasn't a light sleeper.


	15. Chapter 15

Even though he didn’t want me to, I showed up three awkwardly thought filled days later. The morning I woke up with him beside me, I immediately regretted what I had done the night before. What a stupid idea that was. Yeah Dave, just go and kiss the boy who is moving away and making you a stupid pathetic little idiot. That sounds like a wonderful plan. Good job ruining your life and actually any chance at communicating with this kid without becoming completely ashamed and embarrassed of yourself.

He seemed a little surprised when I showed up at his door, but he let me in anyway and led me up to his room. It was odd seeing all the rooms barren; especially his room. I had spent so many nights in there over the summer seeing it with plain walls without posters and no cluttered desk and floor. The only thing left were a few boxes and a pile of stuff in the floor.

“I’m just putting shit in random boxes now. It’s all going to the same place.”

His voice was quiet and more depressed than I had heard it before. He said he needed to do this alone and I think I was beginning to understand why. It was as if he was trying his hardest just to keep his shit together and not breakdown like a little kid. He hadn’t smiled once the entire time I’d been there. Even when I started to help him with the pile and make stupid cracks about anything and everything just trying to make him feel a little better, it only seemed to make his face drop more. It was early and they said they were going to have to drive all day to make it up to Washington before tomorrow night.

When we had finally packed everything up, he taped up the box before just sitting there and staring at it. After a moment the silence got a little too much to handle and I dipped my head down to look up at his face.

“Hey. Egbert.” I waved a hand in front of his face and snapped a couple times before whistling. “Yo. John. Jonathan. Johnny Boy. Jo Jo. C’mon man. Earth t’dorkbert.”

It took a tap to his chin to actually get him out of his daze, but with that light touch his head snapped up with wide eyes. He stared at me for a moment but shook his head and got to a standing position quickly. He mumbled something under his breath as he picked the box up and turned to the door. I was quick to rise after him and grab his shoulder.

“Whoa, whoa, hold on there.” Turning him back around, his downcast eyes slowly lifted. “What was that drift into outer space about?”

“Is it bad that I don’t want to do it?” He glanced back down to the box, fingers digging into the corners. “I don’t want to move.. Again.”

“It’s for your old man, isn’t it? You’ll be better off there.” I had already begun scratching my neck by this point and shifting my eyes around the room. “I mean, hell, I don’t want you to go any more than you seem to, but you can’t make him stay- especially now that you’ve gotten all packed and shit.”

“I guess.” It wasn’t a surprise how unsure he sounded once he had turned to wander out the door.

I managed to slip past him and backpedal until I was in front of the steps. “Hey man, it’s gonna be alright. Y’know? You’ve got friends back up there that are going to be hella glad to see you again. Am I right?”

He sighed with a little bit of annoyance and shifted the box. “Yeah, you’re right. Just sucks leaving you guys again, finally not freezing my ass off, being able to just walk around and have shit to do. Back there, well, there isn’t anything to do because you’re in a suburb. Here at least you can walk to the city.”

Giving him a long hard stare, I took the box away from him and started down the stairs. “Just because you’re moving doesn’t mean you won’t be back. This isn’t a goodbye.”

I guessed he went back and got another box because by the time I had put mine in the truck, he and his dad were heading back with the last of them. After shutting the door, they did the same with their boxes and walked to meet me at the back.

There was a strong hand on my shoulder and a smile that seemed more forced than real, beaming down at me. “Well, that’s about it. Thank you for your help, Dave. I’m sure John appreciates it too, don’t you son?”

I glanced to his side, but John was already gone. He was staring back at this house and what looked like grinding his teeth together.

“I’m sure he does too.” I replied for him, giving a solid nod.

As the hand slipped from my shoulder and his dad walked around to climb in the truck and start it up, I took to standing by John and join in on his staring. It was only a few moments before he turned and opened his arms.

“Bro-hug goodbye?”

“Didn’t we establish this? You can’t say goodbye cause you still have to come and visit you little shitball.”

Bringing him into a good embrace, his face went against my shoulder as he laughed- thank god for that. I was getting depressed looking at his somber face for so long. It took all my strength not to bury my face in his hair and let my arms wind around his back, but I kept myself at a bro-level hug.

“I thought she was yours now?” He teased, cutting his eyes up

“Hell no. I’m just taking care of your cat while you’re gone. You’re getting it back as soon as you can.”

“For christsake Dave-” He began as he gave a small squeeze before stepping back and dropping his arms down. “Her. And I’m afraid she loves you more, and therefore she is officially yours. Please take care of her.”

“Don’t worry, I will. But only because you asked.”

He rolled his eyes, but that care free expression I had come to love quickly faded as he walked to the truck and opened the passenger door.

“Well, I’ll see you again, I guess?”

“Of course. We’ll keep in touch- don’t sweat it.”

I held my fist up which he fist bumped and climbed up into the big vehicle before shutting the door, cutting his dad off mid-goodbye, and waving at me just as the truck started moving.

When he had left, when the truck was gone with all their stuff, and when all that was behind me was an empty house and empty hope, I sat my ass right down on the steps in front of his door. It looked the same from the outside minus a chair that usually sat on his front porch and curtains in the windows. I tried not to pay too much attention to those big windows now that you could see inside into the big open house that had been completely gutted to the very last piece of furniture. It hadn’t really hit until then.

The sheer impact of him leaving had left me feeling oddly alone and almost confused. All I had was Rose and Jade before he showed up, again, and now that he was gone it was back to the three of us. I was perfectly fine before, so why did it feel so much worse now? I could barely stand to watch the truck when it drove down the street. I had told him I would leave right after the truck did, but for some reason I couldn’t. I was stuck on these steps with my head now in my hands and my fingers tangled up in my hair. Reeling regret and sadness came all at once. The constant battle of if I should have just gone ahead and told him. It wouldn’t have changed him going or not, but at least if I had told him and he had rejected me, I could have dealt with it. He could have moved away and I would be able to move on from this tiny hiccup in my life. Now all I could do was think about the what ifs and how this would be so much easier if I had just told him, gotten rejected, died a little, and then gotten over it in about a week. That would’ve been so much better than this bullshit. This was just unfair torture that had worked its way deep into my chest and was playing the beat of drums on my ribs until I was too numb to feel the sickening discomfort and was instead left will a dull, droning pain.

After another sullen moment of sickeningly silly thoughts, there was a hand on my shoulder. It pushed heavier as a body sat down next to me. When the hand was lifted, I raised my head. Rose had perched herself on the rest of the top step, ankles crossed and legs to the side. She looked very pretty today. She really did. In a lovely little summer dress and her hair pushed back under a headband it made me sort of sad looking at her. I couldn’t really say she ever looked _happy_ , but for some reason today she seemed kind of pleasant and it depressed me. This wasn’t a very happy day on my part and that’s why it bothered me her just being there. She looked so okay with everything. I envied her and yet I couldn’t be completely hateful. I couldn’t just tell her to leave. She was losing a friend too. She probably wasn’t as content as her dress made her look. I turned my head and stared at the ground again. I just couldn’t take looking at her any longer. Apparently she took this as her cue to talk even though I really didn’t want her to.

“How are you?”

I gave a very childish shrug to that. I didn’t want to open my mouth in fear I might say something ridiculous.

“My, the Great Strider has no words.”

“Call the doctors. The closet rambler has gone silent.”

“Closet rambler?”

My teeth gritted a little bit as I shook my head briefly, “Nothing.”

We both fell silent after that. Even when we were together, we didn’t talk much. It’s just a thing we never found interest in, talking. We sat there, her picking at the lacey part of her dress hem, and me biting at the end of my tongue. All of the sudden she wrapped an arm around me and pulled my face down to her chest. It was as if she was trying to coddle me when she moved that arm around my shoulders and keeping me there. She still didn’t say anything for a while. I didn’t mind that at all. It may seem weird, but I could hear her heart beat and that rhythmic stability calmed me down a bit. I closed my eyes and stopped my muscles from tensing up.

“But really now brother, are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” I asked with a quiet laugh- there was that habit again. “I’m not hurt and it’s not like things would be any different if he was still here. Sadly, I most likely wouldn’t have gone through with it anyway.”

“Gone through with it?”

“Oh- I didn’t tell you, did I? Must’ve been too wrapped up in my own stupidity.” I opened my eyes, but I was only met with sight of her painted nails on a hand calmly resting in her lap. “Jake convinced me to “be a man” and somehow not be an idiot in telling the kid about my _feelings_. I almost did it- can you believe that? I almost confessed.”

“What happened?” She asked, her voice only vaguely interested.

“He beat me to it. Told me he was moving, and that was that. I chickened out. Probably even if he hadn’t said anything I wouldn’t have told him. I’m just too weak for shit like that I guess.”

“Oh my, well I am a bit surprised he actually convinced you of something of that caliber.”

I gave a small chuckle, nodding against her chest. “He’s a very persuasive person. Mostly because you just want him to stop saying such bullshitty words that I don’t even understand. So I agreed in order to humor him.”

“Did you now?”

“I can hear your condescension.”

She had that tone when she said that. That voice of belittlement like she knew what was going on in my head better than I did.

“All I’m saying is that either way I think you were looking for an outlet to get your feelings across. You may have resented the straight forward manor in which Mr. English wanted you to do it, but that does not negate your underlying wish to say it in a different situation.”

“Still- I wouldn’t have had the guts to do it. I’m not the best at getting emotion across.”

Her hand still on my cheek ran up a bit to idly scratch at my neck. “I suppose you’re right about that. I guess it’s completely the right thing that you told him absolutely nothing and enabled him to be as blind to you as he always has been.”

You could practically feel the lofty sarcasm dripping from her mouth. All that did was make me more annoyed- that soothing scratching was the only thing keeping me where I was.

“Well shit Rose, I’m sorry I didn’t completely spill myself onto someone that is moving half way across the fucking country and who I may or may not ever seen again. Gee, I am so very sincerely apologetic that I didn’t do that and risk losing my best friend over a stupid, transient, little crush.”

“It would have been very difficult, but the same reasons that you didn’t tell him could easily be switched into reasons that you should have told him.” She gave a small tug to my hair and I can only imagine she was pursing her lips at me. “You shouldn’t get so testy with me. You know I only want to help you.”

“Yeah sure, but it wasn’t you, so I can’t exactly take all that you say whole heartedly and-”

“Yes, that makes sense. However, your judgment it a bit clouded.”

“My judgment isn’t clouded, I just-”

“-and considering you are in the swings of adolescence, so your confidence most likely isn’t that high.”

“Well fuck you too, my confidence is just fine. It’s a little scary though. Risking your friends over something like-”

“Also, John isn’t exactly the most accepting.”

“Yeah, but-” I really hated that she kept cutting me off like this. I really just wanted a word in and explain myself a little better.

“Taking in the fact that he made comments about your brother and Jake, I would say the possibilities were not in your favor.”

“Rose, c’mon let me-” She really needed to stop. She did this shit all the time- it was really bothersome.

“And you’re not very rational when you get nervous.”

“Hey, can I just-” My tone kept rising and my muscles going back to their tensed up positions.

“You tend to get rather short tempered and awkwardly fidgety.”

“Rose!”

That small shout shut her up finally. Her fingers flinched a bit, but that was the only noticeable movement until she let out a small exhale.

“I’m sorry, yes?”

“Just stop. I know I’m not a good person. You’re making this clear.”

“Now David, I never said such a thing, and-”

“Stop Rose. It’s true I know. I’m a shitty friend yadayada. I’m fully aware.”

“Come now, you’re not that bad. I was merely making a point to say-”

“No, it’s fine. I just might have-”

“Might have what?”

I made a small grunt and scrunched my face a bit. “Well maybe if you gave me time to speak I could tell you.” She didn’t say anything after that so I took a deep breath and curled against her just a bit more as my voice dropped to a much quieter volume. “I may have kissed him.”

Suddenly my face was jerked up by two hands on either side of it. For the first time in this entire conversation she actually seemed interested.

“You did what now? Please tell me I heard correctly.” Even though she couldn’t see them, I forced my eyes away and bit down on my tongue. Somehow she caught it and gave a much harder than loving pat-slap to my cheek. “You did what?”

“I told you.” I avoided it blatantly with so much regret for even telling her once.

“Say it again.”

I stayed silent, taking to chewing at the side of my cheek. When I did repeat it, finally, it was in a low mumble that barely would have been heard if she wasn’t a few inches from my face.

“Well shit.”

Those words said in that way seemed so foreign coming from her mouth. Sure, Rose cursed, but it wasn’t in such a deliberate, informal way. I would’ve laughed or made a comment about it is I wasn’t self-conscious and completely contrite at this point.

I pinched my lips together, giving a small nod as she stared at me surprised and wide-eyed.

“What’d he-”

“Nothing.”

“He did nothing?

I nodded, but her surprised expression only morphed into confusion.

“But-

“He was asleep. And finally saying it out loud made me feel even worse and disgusted about it.

Her voice dropped to deadpan. “He was asleep.”

I gave a small nod as her hands fell from my face. I almost didn’t want them to even if they were a little sweaty from the head.

“Good god you are so depressingly messed up.”

That made me crack an actual goddam smile. A mix of nervous laughter and belief of how sad that truth was made me sit there in a wash of pity.

“Yeah, I know, it’s bad.”

“It’s just- how did you even go about that?”

“What do you mean how did I go about that? We were in my bed, he was asleep and I wasn’t, and I just did it.”

“You’re lucky he didn’t wake up.”

“Trust me, I know.”

“Your secret would be out. Your homosexual tendencies would become more obvious. Your whole façade of Mr. nonchalant and uncaring apathy would crumble from the base. Your-”

Her rudely uncomfortable mocking tone was back and so was the slight upturn of her mouth that went just a bit more than mine usually did. “Yes Rose I am fully aware that everything would be out the window if he had woken up. Believe me, I have stressed about it for hours of the past day.”

She sat silently for another moment before just shaking her head. "I cannot believe you actually did it. I apologize for my behavior, but you have to believe this is an odd turn in the story that is Dave Strider's life."

"If it’s a story then you must be the character everyone hates."

She merely smirked and tapped my shoulder. "Loves to hate dearest. I am the witty sister that has to help you through your journey."

"Can I get a new sidekick?"

"Would you rather have Jade?"

"Oh, god no. She would flat out tell him what I did-" My eyes narrowed a bit with the drop of my face. "Speaking of which, don't tell anyone." She opened her mouth to reply probably asking why she would before I raised a hand and shut her down. "Not even- no, especially not your mother. She'd tell Bro in a heartbeat, and I really don't want to be teased about this any more than I already am- and now he doesn’t know the half of it. "

"Don't worry, I really won't." She then leaned forward, doing something she's only done maybe twice before- and those were only in some of the worst moments of my life. She placed a small kiss on my cheek and patted the other lightly before standing and letting her hand slide from my face. "I know this is going to be hard for you. Just come to me if you need to." Straightening her dress out, she turned and folded her arms behind her. “This is going to be hard, but perhaps it will only feel this way for a little while. Time heals all wound. And you have plenty of time.” She gave a very brief flick of a smile before her face fell flat again and she turned to walk off down the street back home. She gave a final wave just before rounding the corner, leaving me one again by myself.

I spent some time continuing to sit there and sort a few more thoughts out until I pushed up from the steps and walked in the opposite direction. There was no use sitting around and making myself sadder. At this point I figured I needed some advice and there was only one person who could really help me.

It was around noon when I got back home and the sweat dripping down my forehead was beginning to make me uncomfortable. The summer heat was almost unbearable, but there wasn’t much I could do about it and you came to love it after the years. By the time I was up to the apartment door, I was more wishing Bro had decided to run the AC for once instead of actually hoping someone would be home. Opening the door, I quickly rushed in and shut it behind me like the cool air would try and escape if I didn’t. An immediate sigh of relief came once a fan was blowing against my face from the kitchen counter. Wiping the back of my hand across my forehead, I wandered into the kitchen and threw he fridge open. Mostly it was because I needed something- anything cold pronto, but also because it was another source of cold air, I stuck my head in and took a deep breath. After a minute of standing there, soda opened and up to my lips, a hand grabbed the door and slammed it shut.

“Keep the damn fridge shut if you already have what you want. I’m not paying for you sticking your head in there. I know it’s balls hot, but keep the browsing to a minimum you little shit.”

“Sorry Bro.” I mumbled, ducking under his arm and wandering over to the couch. “I don’t know what’s got your cap on tight, but is Jake here?”

“Shut it, and in the can. Why?”

“Oh, I just needed to ask him something.”

He leaned over the back of the couch and looked down at me with a skeptical gaze. “May I ask why?”

“Nah, doesn’t really concern you.”

“Shithead.” With a smack to the back of my head, he grumbled something else and walked back to the bathroom. Giving one hard knock, he practically shouted through the door. “Hey, the kid’s home and wants to talk to you for some reason.”

At that moment, the door swung open with the flush of a toilet.

“Why’s that?”

“Dunno. Just go humor him. I’ll be out of earshot so he doesn’t get offended that I may be eavesdropping.”

I had backed myself up where my feet were up on the cushion and my back was against the arm rest. I had been trying to balance my soda on my knees, but once Jake sat down, I put it on the floor and pulled my knees to my chest.

“So, you need to speak to me?” He brought a leg up so he could turn to talk more at me. “What’s this about?”

“Well-”

He perked up almost immediately and grinned. “This about the kid?” _Damn it._ “What did you say to him?”

“Absolutely nothing.” I replied blankly, and when his face fell, I dropped my head back and dug the heels of my hands into my eyes.

“Nothing?”

“Nothing. He told _me_ something.”

“Oh?” He leaned forward a bit, my guess was to try and see my face.

“I helped him move today. He told me he was going back to Washington that night. I was going to tell him _something_ , but he wanted to speak first. So, he’s gone now.”

“Oh, gee. Well, I am surely sorry. I guess my advice of sorts didn’t help much, did it?”

“Not really. I mean some for confidence and shit, but in the long run, I didn’t have a chance to say anything.”

“So, he’s moving.”

“Correction- he has moved. Past tense. Something’s already fucking happened. This morning. Presto- gone.”

There was a small moment of hesitation and extremely quick thought before- fuck it- and I pulled my shades from my ace and set them on my knee. Glancing back at him, he seemed a bit surprised, but he’d seen Bro’s eyes countless times, so it was more of an intrigues admiration that I’d do it than actual shock. He was one of the few people who understood what it meant to take them off.

“Are you going to tell him now?”

“Hell no.” I muttered, rubbing my eyes a bit more before draping an arm over my face.

“Well, why not?”

“Maybe because he’s half was across the fucking country, or because it’d be really easy for both of us to drop contact when I don’t have to see him every day. Honestly, I like having a best friend more than a barely even possible- no, not even that much, chance at something else. It’s more likely he’ll get weirded out and ignore me from that point on.”

“Didn’t we go through this?”

“John’s not like you. I’m not like my brother-“

“Oh, yes you are. He raised you just like a little buggering clone of himself. But you’re right, John may not be like me, but he’s a person with as great of a relationship, maybe even greater, than I had with Dirk. I doubt even if he did find it odd and maybe uncomfortable for a bit, that he would cut ties. How did I convince you before, but now you’re backing out again?”

“Because I wasn’t even confident with myself before, how can I be now that he’s gone?”

“He’s not dead!” He all but shouted, but quickly quieted down and slumped against the couch with a small frown He took a small bite as his lip before seeming to realize what he did and almost immediately stopped. Maybe I was wrong. Even his mannerisms were the same. This would be great having him around to remind me of john. Wonderful. “Listen bud, all I’m saying is that I don’t think you should give up just because he doesn’t live here. I convinced you once, so it really shouldn’t be that different.”

“But you-”

“I didn’t tell you all that the other day for you to blow it off and think it was just me blabbering on about nothing. It was to get it through that thick Strider mentality. If all you’re going to do is rebut what I say and argue when it’s you who asked for my help this time, I’ll be done here and leave you to figure it out.”

“Jake I-”

He let out a loud huff and pointed straight at my face. “No, stop denying things and complaining that he’s gone when you had the chance to tell him and you took the chicken rout. Now you’re just dragging you’re feet about telling him and getting the balls to get your shit together and actually doing it.”

“I kissed him.”

And for the second time that day I had stumped someone with three simple words. The utter look of either confusion or surprise made him stop quickly and back track a bit. He began to fumble over his words, but eventually managed to get past bumbling idiocy and actually form something I could understand.

“Well then I don’t really understand why you keep complaining when I think you did the job of telling him. That should be as clear as the sky at night.”

I furiously dug my hand back against my eye again, reaching up to pull at my hair before letting it flop back to the couch. “Too fucking bad that it’s not. Too fucking bad that I’m stupid and creepy. Too fucking bad that he was asleep. And too fucking bad that now I don’t even _want_ to tell him or say anything really because I’m afraid I’ll let that shit slip and he’ll be even more weirded out.” I sat forward quickly, staring him down pointing right between his eyes. “And it’s even worse that I don’t want to say anything because no matter how much I really don’t want to, I can’t think about not speaking to him because that feels even worse than the thought of actually letting anything out that I don’t want.”

He frowned more than anything, taking hold of my finger and bringing it down. Then with a hand on my shoulder, he pushed me back down to the couch and shook his head.

“No need to get that angry tone. Just- I guess, what happened?”

“What more do you want?”

He sat back and let out a sort of huff before giving me a small kick. “What did you guys do all day?”

“I don’t know we wandered around the city and had lunch. We found the stupid cat-” Oh. I had almost forgotten about that. It was probably still in the bathroom. Well, great. “-and then we came back here and did what we always do. We played video games, ate, and watched some movies. Then we went to bed. When he was asleep I-” I waved my hands around to insinuate that’s when it  happened instead of actually having to say it for a fourth sickening time that day.

“What made you do it then?”

“What do you mean?” My voice rose a bit and cracked out of annoyance for how difficult he was making this. Quickly standing up, I started pacing back and forth in front of the couch, but he just looked up and creased those stupid bushy brows. “You know, it’s not like I’ve wanted to do it for- what? Like six months now. Yeah, it was completely random, nothing but about one hundred eighty days of having a really fucking annoying and quite frankly embarrassing crush on a straight kid.” I stopped right in front of him and turned to lean over him as much as I could. “Nothing about that would infer that I could’ve done it just because I was fed up with myself. It was entirely out of the blue.”

“Hey, there is no reason to be angry with me.”

He began to stand which only made me step back and almost fall over the coffee table once it hit my legs. Because of that, I side stepped until I was away from him and turned my back.

“You know what, fuck this. I shouldn’t have thought you could help me. Jesus, none of this shit means anything anyway. I’ll just get over it myself.”

“Come on, Dave-”

I waved my hand at him as I walked down the hallway and into my room. Apparently Bro had put the shitball in my room because I had to keep it from running out when I slid in and shut the door behind me. I half expected Jake to come and barge in like the mannerless man he was, but thankfully he didn’t. I wasn’t up for talking much anymore. For that very reason I climbed onto my bed, curling onto my side hanging my arm over my head. I was never much of a pouter, but I deemed for myself this was a prime opportunity to mope. I would have been able to do it too if there wasn’t an incessant meowing. Lifting my arm a bit and looking down, I was met with those two little blue eyes and another meow. A defeated sigh escaped between a strained one as I leant over my bed and picked it up by the scruff of its neck. It didn’t seem too happy about that until I rolled on my back put it on my chest. It quickly took to curling up and purring. My thoughts went straight back to John like I assumed they would every time I looked at this thing. It wouldn’t help how cuddly it was. I didn’t even know why it liked me, but it made me laugh a little bit.

“Yeah, you like me, don’t you?” I scratched behind its ear and it just purred even louder and nuzzled up into my hand. “You’re not going to move away, are you? Nah, you’d rather stay here.”

I couldn’t help but give a pained smile at it. Petting it and letting it fall asleep on my chest, seemingly happy. And I guess it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought it would be having it around. I mean, it’d keep me company.

“You’re just going to like me unconditionally, right? You know little shitball, you’re not all bad. Even if you are kind of a pain in my ass and you may remind me a little too much of someone, but I guess it’s just you and me. You gotta help me through this… alright?”

I guess it really wasn’t going to be bad having her around.


	16. Chapter 16

It was about two and a half weeks before I actually spoke face to face with John again. Two and a half weeks of texting and awkwardly moping around my house.

I avoided Jake almost completely except for the few times he was there to cook for me. Other than that, we spoke very little. He apparently told Bro nothing because even he asked me if something was going on. I was always sort of cold to the guy, but as he put it I was now “acting like I had a stick up my butt and he had insulted my mother”. That was really bad phrasing on his part considering recent discoveries and everlasting pain. Even though I denied anything from happening, and he didn’t believe me, Jake came to my defense. It didn’t surprise me too much since he couldn’t really be mad at anyone for too long, but either way he convinced him we were just fine.

After that, I only became a tad nicer when we were in Bro’s presence and I could feel him watching my reactions. It wasn’t that hard since I had never really been that friendly toward Jake, but a few days back he started to get better. I think he was trying harder to be nice and work with my passive anger just as much as I was trying not to be too much of a dick to him. It was almost helpful having someone around to make stupid and corny jokes while bumbling around like an idiot. It reminded me of a stupid kid I hadn’t even talked too much in the past few weeks.

He was busy moving in and settling down in his new school, and I was busy, well, moping around and listening to Rose lecture me about my ‘unhealthy’ behavior as of late. I couldn’t have given less fucks if I tried. I finally did convince her to stop giving me shit after I promised to talk to him through the wondrous world of a webcam as soon as he could. She desperately wanted me to believe it would help this problem I didn’t have. Apparently she believed I was going through some sort of anxiety reaction but half the psycho bullshit she says she just makes up.

Either way, I couldn’t help but feel a tad bit of excitement as I logged into Skype and waited for that much needed ringtone. Finally at around 5:30, considering he just got home from school most likely, my computer began singing away. I shut down the few programs I had running of mixing shitty song into even shittier songs. I had been getting worse in that area lately. Every track sounded off. It really was rather discouraging. Ridding myself of bad rhythms and off key balances, I answered the call and sat back in the creaky, old computer chair that took up a substantial amount of my floor space when it wasn’t shoved under my desk. Squinted eyes stared back at me as the video clicked on until I gave a small wave and he broke out into a grin. It hadn’t even been a months and it was already too long since I had seen John’s goofy grin, and christ, wasn’t that a ridiculously corny thought.

“Hey Dave! It’s been a while, huh?”

“Couple weeks. How’s life?”

“Colder,” Was the immediate response before a smile-threatening laugh, “But yeah, it’s weird coming back to this weather. It’s warm but it’s like almost fall, so it’s just odd, I guess, not being ass burning hot all the time.”

“Oh?”

“-and for that matter, it’s kind of upsetting. I finally got used to the heat. And now it’s almost time to wear long sleeves and jackets again. People around here-” _Here. He’s not here. He’s there._ “-are acting like it’s two-hundred degree outside. Hot, my ass. They don’t know anything. I’d like to see them down there-” _There._ “-suffering in a Texan summer. You know what, I think I like it better. I mean, I think I like the summer there-” _There._ “-and the winter here-” _Here_ “-because I do love snow. Have you ever seen now?”

I snapped out of my thought based fixation long enough to mutter out a half-interested reply and go back to focusing on his face. “Can’t say I have. Maybe once or twice.”

“Well shit! That’s crazy! You need to come up here, like holy crap, snow it the shit. Oh boy, you don’t even know-”

I pretty much tuned out after that. I was too busy trying, not too hard sadly; to get the faint grin I could feel growing to go away. I hadn’t gotten him on a rant like this in a while. It was always more interesting to me to watch him speak, frankly, than the conversation usually was. He was so into it now, and about fucking snow for christ’s sake. He going for quite some time, waving his hands around and grinning like a fool. After more babbling on, he landed on the subject of school which made me tune back in briefly. I managed to stop him for a moment and ask him how that was going which sent him on a whole other tangent.

“-and you see, there are some real jerks here. Like, I have all my old friends back, except the ones that went to different schools, but one, it sucks not having you and Rose and Jade and all my track friends-” _those fucking guys_ “and two, some of the older guys are just flat out dickheads. I know there’s some at your school-” _your_ “but it’s so much worse here. You don’t even know how awful it is.” _Yeah, I don’t know awful._ “They just walk around like they’re better than you because they’re older. All they are are giant assholes. And they give you this face like “who the fuck are you and why are you looking at me?” Really, I want to ask them the exact same questions. Like, hell no, you can’t just look at me and judge me.”

“Christ kid, I think you’ve gotten sassier since you moved.”

“I probably have! You need sass to fucking survive here. You’d think, oh, it’s a public school in upstate Washington, what could happen? It’s like a fucking zoo. Middle school was nothing compared to this. It is as if every guy took steroids while I was gone and no they’re all buff and dickhole-ish while the chicks have turned into post-puberty ladies of the night.” He scrunched his face a bit and grimaced. “And by that I mean complete whores if you didn’t catch it. I mean, I’m even a sophomore, and I still get treated like shit by those guys. They don’t get physical or anything, well, not yet at least, they just act like pompous douchebags. I really don’t like them is all.”

“Seems like it.” Sitting back a bit, I crossed my arms behind my head. “I guess the guys here who act like that aren’t as flamboyant about their egos.”

“You shouldn’t really talk about egos Mr. Cool kid.” He replied with a snarky laugh.

“While I do not deny the ego I de enjoy feeding every now and again, I would also like to defend myself in sayin that I’m not an ass because of it.”

“Maybe not to peoples’ faces.”

“Everyone is condescending behind other’s backs. That is the makeup of our wonderful society if you haven’t noticed.”

“Not all of us are as cynical as you sir arrogance.”

With a slight scowl, I lifted my hand and flicked the webcam that perched above my screen.

“Imagine that my camera is your face.”

“You just flicked my face.”

“I just flicked your face.” I affirmed, nodding contently..

“I should be offended.” He began rubbing his forehead as if I actually did it, frowning. “My head hurts a little now.”

“Oh, poor baby. Do I need to get you a Band-Aid?”

“Only if it has dinosaurs on it.”

“I have Hello Kitty.”

“No. Only dinosaurs. They’re manly as hell. Like me.”

“Sorry kiddo, you gotta go with the kitty or no Band-Aid.”

“Damn. He looked like he was going to say something else. But he suddenly broke out into that grin again. “Speaking of which, where is little Liz?”

I gave a breathless laugh as I pushed away from the desk and rolled backwards to my bed. Curled up on my pillow was a sleeping shitball who had grown considerably in the past two and a half weeks. Much to her discontent, I picked her up and wheeled back to the desk. She was meowing away, sinking a claw into my leg unhappily. I gave her a swat before lifting her up in front of my face.

“Here she is.”

“ _She._ Well I’ll be damned, you finally accepted her gender.”

I shooshed him, bouncing the cat up and down which made her squirm. “Just pay attention to how cute she is.”

His grin grew enough to where I could clearly see his teeth by the one eye I had poked out beside the cat’s face. “Cute?”

I was glad she was covering the rest of my face but I shoved her closer to the camera to make sure the shame in my face was covered.

“Shut up. You can’t deny the creature is adorable. I apparently like cats, okay?”

“Completely fine.” His voice then switched to that of talking to a baby. “Because she really is a little cutey. I bet she misses me even though I only knew her for a day.”

She just sort of batted at the screen with her paw while simultaneously whacking me repeatedly in the face with her tail.

“I bet she does- not the only one.” The words left my mouth without thought, but I lowered her from my face to backtrack on my slip of tongue. “Jade complains almost every day that you’re not here. Rose doesn’t outright say much, but I’m sure she does.”

He hikes up his brows and tilted his head to the side like a puppy. “And you?”

“Hmm? Oh- y’know, course I miss you. Best bros and all, yeah?”

He paused, nodding slowly until straightening up “Yeah, best bros.”

It got quiet after that. The cat soon went back to seep in my lap, but while I busied myself with petting her, the conversation seemed to stop.

Before the wanting to start conversation even came up again, an onslaught og binging came from John’s computer. Both I and the cat looked up as John jolted to open them.

“Someone’s popular.” I commented passively, but he just grinned and started typing.

“Yeah, yeah, sure. It’s just a new friend of mine. She apparently joined last year, and all my old friends like her, so I guess we’re buds now.”

“Well look, you actually have friends and you aren’t just making them up.”

“I should say that to you.” Ouch, that hurt. “I mean… you need to get out there more. Show people how you are around me and Rose. People would like you a lot more without the asshole façade you give off.”

“My façade is not about being an asshole. That’s a side effect.”

He took a break from typing to look up skeptically. “Oh right, I’m sorry. It’s just about pretending not to care.”

“I don’t care.”

“You anxiety acts differently.”

“You don’t know about my anxiety. Shut up, yeah?”

“Whatever, you’re probably right. Only Rose knows how deep in shit your brain is.”

“You don’t even know half of it, kid.” I replied through a mumble, eyes cast down and my hand fiddling with the cat’s ear.

“Yeah I guess.” There was another moment of bings and pauses while he typed before a hand slapped against his desk brought my attention back. “Well, hey, dad’ll be pissed if I don’t start my homework soon, so I should go. Well talk soon.”

And with a goodbye from me and one more from him to Liz, he clicked off. A moment after that, he went offline and I shut down Skype. A small huff escaped as I stood, cat in arms and wandered over to my bed. Flopping down, Liz settled on my chest and went right back to sleep. Something seemed off now as I stared at my ceiling, but I couldn’t tell what. It might have been the fact that john all but shat on our conversation when he brought issues like my stupid ass brain in. What he referred to as ‘anxiety’ was more of just- being weak and no longer in control of myself once panic hit. I guess it was a thing I had always dealt with, these panic attacks of sort. Whenever stressed out I always seemed to shut down. Either that or fidget a lot and do things I wasn’t even fully aware of. Socially, I was a pretty big fuck up. It wasn’t like I didn’t want friends, but most of the people my age were douchey asses, and being around them always made me uncomfortable. John was someone who though all this was rooted in me wanting to appear ‘cool’ all the time, and while that was partially true, he didn’t know anything that ever went on inside my head. Either from biting my hand to the incessant need to move around, tap my feet, drum my fingers, or even just shake, there was always this need to get the energy out when I was around those people. It wasn’t some AD issue or shit like that, but I also didn’t know what exactly it was. I guess you could say it had gotten worse lately and every time one of those little instances happened, I just wanted out. They came more frequently as of late. I had always over thought things. I guess it had become worse at that time. Anything anyone said or did, even if they didn’t realize it, I picked it apart. Like a raven on a carcass, I would pull every shred of thought out of it until there was nothing left for me to overcomplicate. And yet, that was just another problem to tack on top of the piling amounts of issues I was accumulating. It only made things worse when those thoughts became so loud it actually made everything else seem silent. That’s what was worse, the fact that I couldn’t escape it even if I wanted to any more.

                Usually it was just me and Rose, so a lot of time she would start talking about nonsense and keep tapping my on the arm or shoulder- anywhere really to keep me focused on something other than what was bothering me, She told me a few times maybe I should tell someone or see someone, but I wasn’t sick. I didn’t need bullshit medication that would label me as a sick or mentally unstable kid. I didn’t want more to worry about that I already had. I didn’t want people to look at me differently. I didn’t want to be _that kid._ People stayed enough away already, I wasn’t going to give them another reason to cast me aside. It wasn't an anxiety disorder I was dealing with, it was a being human disorder I had contracted by breathing my first, crying breath. This world is the cause for my problem. The cause shouldn't be the cure. It couldn't be. You can’t get rid of a cold by getting cancer. You can’t put out a fire by pouring gasoline on it. Giving a person something that would make them stand out would not cure their desire to be invisible. Some hate the fact they go unnoticed, that they are invisible, but truthfully, that's all I wanted. And so ensued the taunting cycle of self-pity, rage, and denial that my mind had come so accustomed to in the dark of night. That’s all that was really left anymore, only accompanied by a sickening apathy that grew as the purpose of anything dimmed.

* * *

 

Other than the slight awkwardness of the last goodbye, we still talked regularly until another month passed. October was almost here again, and I was glad the heat was subsiding enough to where you could go outside without the threat of heat stroke or melting. We had talked every day at first, but as we both grew busy with school and him with his new found sense of being a social extrovert, the talking grew less and less, and the days of taking the time to video came even fewer. I didn’t exactly like the fact that I was beginning to barely talk to him or that most texts I sent were either ignored or answered much later, but I couldn’t get angry. He has moved, he had new friend, and he was busy actually trying in school. I had no claim over his attention. Why should I feel entitled to it? Just because I had no one but a moody, passive bitch of a sister to talk to, I had no right to demand to sustain our friendship over miles and mile of desert and forest. It sucked, but I wasn’t going to become an annoyance. Maybe it’d help me get over him in a way. This distance was probably a good thing even if it made me want to physically run all the way to Washington because that would probably hurt less than the feeling of being stabbed in the chest every time he talked to me about his life now. Sadly enough, the person I talked to the most nowadays wasn’t even a person at all. I was back to the days where Bro worked and I had no one to come over anymore. So like the psychotic person I had apparently become, I reverted to a child and talked to the cat. Some may think that is only something crazy people do, but I assure you, I wasn’t crazy. I was more just talking out loud and since she stayed glued to my heels at all times, it was just as easy to talk to her than the wall.

Just as easy until it wasn’t anymore.

* * *

 

It had been about a week since I had last talked to John, which was sad, but it was even sadder that I knew it had been nine days. It was a Wednesday night and I was surprised Bro didn’t come home for dinner. He had called and told me he’d be a bit later so I went ahead and ordered a pizza for myself. Ordered it and proceeded to eat about three-fourths of the thing by myself. It wasn’t quite dark yet, so the sun had left more of the sky an orange-ish pink color. I gathered a few old bags of trash and the box to take it down to the dumpster out back. I opened the door, kicking it all the way open and grabbed the bags before tucking the box under my arm. It was a little difficult to walk considering how off balance these bags made me. I walked to the back door, opening it and side walking out. The box was slipping by the time I made it to the dumpster, but I managed to toss the bags up and then the box. Turning around, I was surprised to see a flash of black pass me. I whistled only for it to stop and cock its head at me which affirmed my suspicion with the two icy eyes staring back.

“Why’re you out here girl?”

I took a step forward and- bad idea. I didn’t quite expect her to run the opposite way down the alley. I guess she really hadn’t been outside that often, and she always had been an adventurous one. Out of instinct, I followed her. The alley behind connected a few of the buildings around mine and broke off a few different was. She wasn’t in the first two I checked, my worry growing a bit more each time I rounded a corner and she wasn’t there.

While I was searching through one of the many fence closed dead ends, a sudden cacophony of barking cause me to quickly stand and turn. It was a little far off, but the tall buildings made the sound echo back. I walked from where I was to follow the nose, lifting one side of my head up to try and figure out where it was coming from. Suddenly, the barking stopped. I continued walking down the way I was, and I would have probably passes right by where this dog was, hunched over in the corner of a dead end, if it hadn’t turned around and snarled. It caught me off guard with its sudden barring of its teeth and the guttural growling obviously in defense. I took a step back, but my eye caught the blood on its muzzle. A large golden dog, most likely some mix of lab, with its snout died auburn and red with disgusting drips of crimson falling to the pavement. That in and of itself brought fear to me, but more curiosity came than that distress. Picking up an empty box near my foot, I threw it as hard as I could at the dog. It backed up a bit, standing over whatever it was that it had caught. I was about to turn away and leave before I got hurt, but it shifted again and a black paw fell to the ground, flopping lifeless against the concrete. I tipped my shades down a bit, making sure of what I saw, eyes widening and my mouth parting. I stepped forward, causing more growling that sounded as light as drizzle on a roof to me now.

“Get.” It first came out as a mutter under my breath with another step forward, but with that snapping of its jaw, I repeated it louder. “Get.” Its shoulders hunched, another growl, another jaw snap. “Get!” I finally shouted, clapping repeatedly and stomping forward. It didn’t move at first, but I took my shoe off and threw it with another shout. Finally, it scampered past me, snapping at my leg as it went.

I picked my shoe up first, eyes avowing the corner of the walls. I didn’t want to look. I needed to avoid what I had seen. It wasn’t true. With my shoe on, I force myself to turn and stare into the mangles mass lip on the ground. I sunk to my knees, tearing the shades off my face and letting my knuckles drag. I had never seen something that horrified me so much you couldn’t see the blood against the back of the fur, but it was pooling out and leaving it sopping and shining in the fading sunlight. The eyes staring up were no longer a bright icy blue but completely dim and lifeless, mouth agape in an attempted call of fear or help. I reached down, hand trying to scoop up the mauled body that no longer resembled the cat that had been my only connection to sanity for the past two months. I could feel the still warm blood run through my fingers from the ripped throat and gash in her side. The body was warm, but there was no way she could have still been alive. Both from the mere injuries themselves or bleeding out, she was gone, and I was left alone with a marred body and memory. It felt as if I had been stabbed through the chest and the knife had been twisted around the shred everything inside of me. I barely remembered when my parents died, but I had never felt this way when I remembered them. This was a new kind of pain that ripped me apart. That image was burned into my memory, the red staining everything and the flesh slit apart and torn into tapering bits. My face broke the longer I stared, my expression cracking apart and leaving me trembling. Things were becoming blurry, and I didn’t quite understand why until there was liquid falling and running a clear line in the blood on my arms. I was never a crier, it wasn’t a part of normalcy that I felt comfortable with. It was weakening, and so, I didn’t do it. I let this time slide. I couldn’t stop it even if I had wanted to. The immense pain was too much for me to deal with over the thoughts that I couldn’t comprehend. I didn’t understand why this had to happen-

And then it struck me.

I had left the door open; the bags where occupying my hands, and I completely forgot about it. This only caused me to shake more, my shoulders trembling and my head shaking back and forth. Stray tears flew from my face as it shook, curses flying from my mouth and drowning in the blood at my knees. It was all my fault. This never should have happened. She wasn’t mine. She was John’s and I got her killed. He would hate me after this. He was going to blame me- I blamed me. How could I not? I left the door open and let her run out. How was I going to explain this to him without utter hatred? There was no way this couldn’t be because of me, and there was no way he wouldn’t want to see her at some point. I couldn’t talk to him now; there was no way I could face him without it coming up and me spilling how much of an idiot I am. He didn’t talk to me anyway, why should it matter? I just wouldn’t talk and then nothing could be rehashed. Who needed him anyway… He’d only caused complete confusion and pain the past year. This distance really was doing me good. This was just going to make it easier.

At this point I was a mess of blubbering childish cries to clenched teeth, her against my chest and my hands holding on tightly to the wet fur. I couldn’t even bring myself to care it was ruining my shirt, at this point I just wanted to go back thirty minutes and never let any of this happen. It was killing me inside. Shit piled on top of shit.

It took good ten minutes to calm myself down, stopping the sniveling and standing to carry her body to the box I had thrown, set her in and take it to the dumpster. I would have tried and bury her, but I had no means of doing so, therefore, I put her in the dumpster and dragged myself back upstairs. I felt almost numb now, arms hanging listlessly by my sides and my feet dragging. The blood was drying on my hands and arms and the smell making my head hurt. I kicked the door shut after me, walking straight into the kitchen and over to a drawer I was ‘never supposed to go in’. Real good job of my brother telling me that as well as exactly what was in it. I didn’t even care that I was going to end up getting dead cat blood all over his shit. Opening the drawer, I pulled out a box of whothefuckcareswhatbrand cigarettes that Bro occasionally indulged on but threatened me never to start. Frankly this was a very ‘fuck rationality’ moment, opening the box and pulling one out. I had done it maybe once or twice before a few years back just to see what it was like, but as a twelve year old I thought it made me look cool. Now I just wanted that supposed relaxation and cure the repeated piercing pain to my chest.

I grabbed the lighter from the drawer next to it and made my way to the bathroom. I flicked the fan on as well as the shower and turned the heat all the way up. The steam would absorb the smoke, so once it was flowing into the bathroom, I shut the shut and slumped down against the tub wall. It took me a few tries, but I finally managed to light it and remove my shades after they had gotten foggy from the steam. I put it between my lips, sucking in and holding the smoke in my mouth so it would cool a bit before inhaling slowly. I had at least managed enough in the time before to not completely choke on the shit and make my lungs burn. It still hurt, but I wasn’t gagging this time. I blew it back out, watching the smoke twirl and mix with the steam before they become indiscernible from each other.

I had always liked the way smoke smelt. I’d sit with Bro when he did it, which bothered him greatly- you’d think if he didn’t like it he’d stop. The bitter, crisp scent always relaxed me. Mother and father smoked, it was a homey smell to me. Our old apartment where we lived when they were alive always smelt like it and the cheap air fresheners that mother used to try and cover it up. I still knew the smell though, and I had come so used to it, it was a comforting smell. Tipping my head back, I blew out the smoke from another drag, doing my best to inhale it back through my nose. This was probably not the brightest idea, but I couldn’t even care at this point and it wasn’t like I did this every day. It was just a way to calm me down, keep me from the thoughts of breaking something or hurting myself. Nothing was going to bother me in that moment though. I had the warm steam holding me in comfort and the pleasant scent of smoke trailing in and out of my lungs with every breath.

It was utter euphoria for me.


	17. Chapter 17

I couldn’t figure out how long I had been sitting there. It was at least long enough for me to have smoked one cigarette, went to get another, and sit in the steamy room with the second one about three-fourths smoked down. I had barely removed it from my mouth, and a small pile of warm ashes was sitting on my leg I could feel a bit of heat from under the thin layer of my shorts. At one point, it had fallen from my loose lips, landing on my arm, still covered in blood that was holding my side. I was surprised when I felt no pain. I just let it sit there for a few seconds before picking ii back up and putting it right back in my mouth. Brushing the ash off, I observed the small, almost perfect circle shaped burn a few inches above my wrist. I thought I should’ve felt something as I poked at it and yet all was numb.

It made me uncomfortable that I couldn’t feel anything- it felt wrong, inhuman, but the heat of the steams along with my skin clammy and my face sweaty made me become a little deliriously tired. And yet, I couldn’t’ care to move at this point. I felt disgusting still covered in red and now sweaty and sticky while  some of the blood had started running again and was dripping to the floor. I couldn’t even see clearly at this point. Not because of just the steam, but also because my eyes drifted in and out of focus, the corners of my vision gone fuzzy and eventually slowly darkening. I wasn’t sure what was happening when there was a banging far off in the distance until I realized it was even closer and actually against the door. Steam flooding underneath the frame and out into the apartment, there was the sound of shouting that only died down when a key fumbled into the knob. A minute later, the door opened and there was my brother fanning some of the steam away with his hand. I couldn’t exactly see him very well. Whether it was because of the air or the new fuzziness of my eyes, he was just a big blur to me. I had tipped my head back as it loosely swayed and rolled onto the lip of the tub while more ash fluttered to my shirt.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He removed his fogged up shades, squinting a bit before rubbing them and putting them back on.  “Is that blood? Kid, what happened? Are you smoking?” His voice rose to more of a shout now, taking another step forward. “What the actual fuck is going on, Dave?”

I could feel a smile on my face now, holding the cigarette lightly between my teeth. I could just imagine what he saw right now. His fuck-up of a little brother sprawled out in the bathroom, smoking, covered in blood of some sort, and grinning like a mental patient.

He came closer, kneeling own and shutting off the shower. Things became very quiet after that. There was the dripping of the shower, but other than that, it was silent. He was staring me down, hands hovering around me.

“What did you do? Are you in trouble?”

I shook my head a bit, grin growing and a small chuckle escaping.

“Why are you covered in blood then?” A small mumble came out. I didn’t know what I had meant to actually say, but the cigarette didn’t help. He quickly ripped it from my mouth, shoving the lit end into the wet tiles and leaving it crumpled on the ground. “Why do you have this? Haven’t I made myself clear that you can’t do this? I swear if you don’t start talking m’going to kick your ass until you do.”

My gaze lingered to the floor before I rolled my head back up. I couldn’t help but laugh now. I didn’t even know why, but tumbles of laughter bubbled up from my throat. Nothing was funny about this at all, but I wasn’t there. It was like I was floating above my body and watching the stupidity of myself leak out everywhere and infect me with a delirious sense of false reality. The arm still holding my side tightened as I giggled like a fool that soon turned into barreling laughs. His face became a mix of anger, confusion, and actual worry.

“Lil’ man…” He trailed off a bit, picking up my arms and looking at them. “What’s happened to you?”

The laughing eventually died down to a quiet chuckle as he started pulling off my shirt and turning the shower back on. It was all in a haze. It was like I was drunk.  I could feel him strip me down and set me in the tub where the warm, almost scalding water was hitting my face and my chest before running down and creating new lines in the blood on my arms. All questions gone, he silently washed everything away.

I knew that grin was gone now. The pain was slowly coming to me again. The numbing was gone, and my chest ached as the burn on my arm was searing with the hot water and a power migraine had erupted behind my forehead. It felt like I was shaking suddenly, and yet, I had no idea what was going on. All sense of reality was shot. I couldn’t move anymore, little yet talk.

He somehow managed o get me dressed again, periodically asking me a few questions that all sounded like muffled gibberish. There was no way I could have answered them in that state of unstable confusion. His subdued and unclear voice was soon all I could hear as I was propped up on the toilet and he was scrubbing the floor clean. I wasn’t sure what he was saying, and I wasn’t even sure if it was directed all at me. Either way, slowly the ambiguous darkness surrounding my vision engulfed it all and everything went black. It was utterly dark, blissfully silent, and once again, ecstatically numb.

* * *

 

I woke up still in a fog. My head still hurt like a bitch and at first I felt like I couldn’t move yet. When I finally did, my muscles ached and my joints cracked. I couldn’t remember much of what had happened after sitting in the tub. From the amount of sun coming in, it was at least morning, maybe afternoon. I was in my bed now, in clean clothes and my skin completely washed of any blood. That though hit me with a flash of what all had gone on yesterday. At this point, I thought I might throw up from the sheer memory of the marred body and all the goddam blood- so much fucking blood. I wanted to band my head against the wall until the pain thumping around my brain went away. I wrapped the pillow around my head and groaned. I was feeling like shit- all I wanted was for everything to just go away.

There was a sudden banging of what sounded like pots and pans in our metal sink that crashed more like an atom bomb in my head. It stopped after a moment-thank god, but it was still ringing a bit through my ears. Throwing my covers back, I stumbled out from my bed. Wobbling over to the door, I held onto the frame before my vision focused and stopped spinning. I had gotten my balance by the time I was walking out into the main room and watching Bro as he washed some dishes. He glanced up after I stopped in front of the bar, staring before checking me over and clearing his throat.

“How do you feel?”

“Like shit.” I croaked back, voice scratchy and throat dry. That made me cough a little and grimace at the disgusting taste of sleep and smoke coating my tongue.

“Glad to see you can talk again.”

Ironically, I couldn’t think of a response to that, so I snaked behind him to pour a glass of water that would hopefully wash the taste away.

“Mind telling me what happened now?”

“I don’t even know.”

He shut off the water and turned around to face me.

“You didn’t kill anyone- right?”

I tried to chuckle, but nothing came out but a sigh. “No, I didn’t kill anyone.”

“Then, the blood-”

“-Was the cat’s.” I finished with my lips around the rim of my glass before taking a drink. He leaned back against the counter and I let out another quiet exhale. “Dog got’er. Completely mangled.”

“Oh-” He shifted from one foot to the other until putting a hand down on my shoulder. “Sorry bro. Where was it?”

“Took the trash out yesterday, I left the door open. She got out, ran into the alley behind the dumpster, and a dog chased her into the corner. I really shouldn’t have left that door open. I mean, she wouldn’t have gotten out if I hadn’t. And technically, I left two doors open, so it’s like double the fault. I guess if I had taken the trash out earlier, like I should have, that most likely wouldn’t have happened.” My eyes were darting around the floor at this point, words speeding up with a bated, breathless laugh every few sentences. “Damn, it really was avoidable. But I guess it happened anyway. It was a pretty bad sight, gruesome and truly unrecognizable. It was kind of sad really. All bloody and broken. She didn’t have a chance once I let her out. Maybe it’s not sad- I don’t know. It’s more pathetic really- funny even. Like, she was dead before she knew it- I guess that’s why cats are pets. They’re not the smartest. All they do is go and die on you- they just leave you all alone. Leaving you to clean up their bloody body after the world beats the shit out of them. Maybe that’d be nice though. Dying naively and leaving you no responsibility to pick up your own body. Just like humans who die and leave their families to deal with it. It’s like the ultimate dick more. Like-”

“Dave.” Bro gripped my shoulders harder now with both hands and gave me a single shake.

My head lifted back, mouth open ready to keep going. Suddenly, I realized I still didn’t have my shades, and I quickly began to feel like I was shrinking under his shielded gaze.

“Take them off.”

“What?”

Reaching up made him move his head back and grip a bit tighter.

“Take em off.”

My fingers twitched as they got near the arms of his shades, teeth grinding together.

“What’s the matter with you? You’re acting like a child.”

“I am a child technically, but we have a pact. I don’t have them, so don’t undermine me with yours.”

“Fine, fine.” He took them off and put them behind him to reveal narrowed eyes and creased brows. “Now c’mon kiddo, what’s the matter with you?”

“Nothing.” I replied, everything seemingly normal now that I had settled my head. “Little shaken up I guess. Can you blame me?”

Brushing it all off, I walked to the couch and saw down with my glass.

“Don’t’ think we aren’t going to discuss something else.”

“What else is there? The cat died, I’m surprised you’re not glad. You hated her.”

“Not true-”

“True-“

“That’s not what I was getting at though.”

“What then? What could you possibly have to pry from me that can’t wait until my head doesn’t feel like I have a jackhammer ramming through my brain, _sir_?”

He came up behind me, grabbing the back of the couch and leaning over me.

“Have you completely forgotten the fact that you’ve gone against one of the few rules in this household- not mention you went through my things. I will never condone you smoking, and I want it to stop immediately.”

“You can’t always get what you want.”

A hand released the couch and clutched the hair on the back of my head. He yanked my head to where I was staring up at him but leaned in closer anyway.

“I’m tired of your bullshit attitude and back talk. You will listen to me when I say this. Those are _mine_ , it’s illegal for you, and I will not have you overtly defy me. I don’t care what crap you go through, you will not do that again.”

“Sometime things get a little much-you know that.” I hissed back through clenched teeth.

He threw my head forward again which did nothing good for my migraine or my neck.

“Then take a fucking nap instead you like ass. Either that or have a serious conversation with me about what’s going on with you. Stop giving me half-assed passive answers that only dig you deeper in your pit of childish behavior and twisted pity.”

“It’d be great if I could just take a nap that would magically make everything go away, but surprise, surprise- I can’t.” I was up on my knees, turned around and leaning over the back of the couch to shout right back. “Unfortunately, I’m at an inability to sleep when things like that happen. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to sleep well for that matter. And another thing-” I was up now, hopping over the back of the couch and pounding my heels on the floor as I stomped over. “Didn’t you ever wonder about me? I mean, as a kid. You complain about how obnoxious I was and how I freaked out all the time about stupid shirt. I remember some of it. At the park and places, y’know? I’d want my own little area. I would always wish the sand box would be smaller so only I could fit because whenever another kid would come around I’d get this irrational need to run away or make them leave- maybe I’m just anti-social, let’s face it, I am, but it’s not just that. I hate people, and it’s not some social justice white girl plea of “Humanity is ruining our earth and our society” shtick, it’s an actual goddam loathing of being around people.” He opened his mouth a bit, but I rammed a fist onto his chest that sadly did little to nothing but knock him back about half a step. “I would be more than content to live my life alone and unclogged from the stupidity of any interaction. Because you know where that’s gotten me?” I lifted my other hand and began counting off on my fingers. “It’s left me confused, fucking pathetically heartbroken, covered in blood, yelled at, feared, casted out, hated, and I’m pretty sure now it’s left me close to fucking mentally unstable.” By now, both my hands were shaking, breaths heaving to keep up with the speed I was talking, and my eyes burning from the fact that I had managed to keep full eye-contact. “So no,” I began to finish, teeth clenched as I gave a final weak punch to his chest and let my arm fall back to my side. “I can’t just take a fucking nap you ignorant prick.”

I probably would have felt proud of myself for finally speaking to him like I’d wanted if not for his face looking tight in anger, the relapse of my headache, and my arms still trembling with my breath.

“Of course I was worried- well, maybe not at the time. When I was sixteen, I really didn’t care what was going on with you. I put you under the Englishs’ care. But when we were both older, I guess I noticed something. Really, I just thought it was us. I never liked people either. I hoped we were just anti-social because of our genes. I know what you mean. People have always annoyed me-”

“No. that’s just it. You don’t like people because you think you’re morally and academically above them- which you probably are- but I don’t like people because they _scare_ me.”

 That sentenced lingered in the air. I almost regretted phrasing it like that. It was true, they did, but I wasn’t _frightened_ by them. I just didn’t like being around them. He was still staring at me; mouth parted only a little before he let out a long sigh.

“Kid…”

“Don’t kid me- Don’t lil’ bro me- Don’t pity me- I’m just telling you what I’ve been thinking. That’s what you want right?” Which I never should have. I really never should have started this.

“I didn’t think that was this big of a problem for you.”

“It’s not. My voice had gown defeated, weak. A hand was swiping through clean bangs but rubbing tired eyes. “I’m making it a big deal. Fuck- I don’t even know why I just got like that. Shit, my head hurts.”

“Are you alright?”

I paused, the fingers that were massaging my temples faltered. I looked back up at him and shook my head slowly. “I don’t think so.”

“It’s gotten worse.”

I nodded.

“You can’t help it.”

Another nod.

“Do you want to stop talking about this?”

“Yes please.”

I replied, promptly turning. “This is going to seem like an abrupt exit, but I feel done with this and my head is killing me.”

“We can continue this later.”

I had begun walking back around the bar and towards the hall. “Let’s not.” I could feel the warning “Dave” on his tongue, so I stopped mid-step. Offered a quick “Sorry”, and kept going.

I wandered back into my room only to collapse on my bed in exhaustion. I wasn’t even that sleepy, I was just tired. I had talked too much, thought too much, felt too much. I was tried, but the clock ticked on and the sun still invaded my room.

In a matter of seconds, minutes, hours- I didn’t know- there was a ringing from my computer. I lifted my head to look over at it.

It was Skype. John’s username popped up on the screen,

I hadn’t heard that ringtone in ten days. Not that long except for when it’s one of the few things that I can bring a bit of happiness. Yet, I didn’t move. Instead, I curled up on my side and rolled my back to face the screen. I didn’t feel happy like I usually did when he called.

The call eventually stopped, the room quieting again until the sound of messages binging away. After another few minutes, I pulled myself up and over to my desk. Opening it up, I had six new messages.

ectoBiologist: hey bro

ectoBiologist: haven’t talked in a while

ectoBiologist: hey-o earth to dave

ectoBiologist: helloooo?

ectoBiologist: alright, I guess you’re not home

ectoBiologist: talk to you later I guess.

It made me a little sick to look at these messages. I had a yearning to answer them, but I was forcing myself away. Making myself lie back down and curl up again. I couldn’t talk to him right now. Talking to him would feel worse. I’d killed his cat, I’d end up going off on him, I felt like a last resort now.

I didn’t _want_ to answer.


	18. Chapter 18

The next few weeks after that were a living hell. Bro mainly dropped all conversation about what had happened, but every now and then he’d ask a few questions that I respectively would completely ignore. Mostly I didn’t want to talk about it, but it was also just a bit out of plain spite. Things slowly became a tad more tolerable around English- that was until he was told what had happened. He then went right back into ‘tell mother Jake what’s wrong’ mode. I refrained from having any sort of mental explosion on him in fear it might make him even more clingy and overbearing. I needed less attention from him, not more. All of this would really seem like a good thing if not for the fact that in the past six weeks or so, I had talked to John once. The worst part was this absence of communication was completely my doing.

After what I came to refer to as ‘the incident’, I managed to go about three and a half weeks without talking to him. Finally, his unanswered messages got to me and one Saturday night my idle thoughts were eating their way through my brain. It was late October at this point, air a bit cooler, but it must have already been freezing up in Washington. I was lying on my bed, headphones on and everything else blocked out. No one was home then- bro was out somewhere with English and said he’s be home late if at all. Many a Sunday morning I woke up to an empty house because he spent the night over in the mountain man’s tree house. Joke- he doesn’t actually have a tree house… or I hope to god he doesn’t.

I thought that was weird in general though. You’d think after how long that’d been a thing, there’d be the constant residence of a loud obnoxious man here. They claimed it was because he traveled so much and it would be easier on me if it didn’t happen until I went to college (if), but personally I think they were too scared. I could remember bits and pieces from the time I lived in that zoo. Jake’s parents weren’t the nicest people, and I think that’s why he spent so much time trying to visit his grandmother. Between his home front usually being filled with fighting and the fact that our parents were killed off in some drunken psychotic homicide-suicide case, I think neither of them wanted to try and establish too much commitment in fear that it would ruin everything and end in constant yelling- and knowing them probably some brutal fights.

That night, just as the sun as starting to go down, a certain binging picked up on my computer. I probably wouldn’t have noticed it if I hadn’t gotten hungry and returned to my room with a coke in one hand and a bag of chips in the other. The sound distracted me enough to pull me over to the computer and sit down in the chair with a creak. I took my time to open the messages and read through them as I crammed a few chips in my mouth. Wiping my hand off, I typed out a response. For the past almost a month, I had usually been away from my computer when he messaged me and his texts were never as interesting as they had once been. Even when I attempted to respond at other times, guilt began to eat away at me and I’d never actually send anything. I kept thinking I wouldn’t be able to tell him what happened. I could barely tell Bro let alone the person who that stupid fucking cat mattered to the most. Tonight wasn’t all that different, but I felt like I shouldn’t completely abandon the friendship out of my own fear- at least without a goodbye.

ectoBiologist: hey bro, you’ll never guess what’s begun here

ectoBiologist: i’m serious- you’re going to get a kick out of this

ectoBiologist: well, probably not a kick. you’ll probably be more uninterested than anything

ectoBiologist: but i’m kind of freaking out! it’s pretty fucking exciting over here!

turntechGodhead: whats up man?

ectoBiologist: well shit, the boy lives! i was beginning to think you were dead.

turntechGodhead: it hasnt been that long

ectoBiologist: try more like three weeks

Three weeks. Four days.

turntechGodhead: schools a bitch

ectoBiologist: agreed! but more importantly, guess what

turntechGodhead: what

ectoBiologist: it’s snowing.

ectoBiologist: i report, there is fucking flakes of white falling to the earth

turntechGodhead: it might be dandruff. i wouldnt trust it if i were you

turntechGodhead: i wouldnt eat it either

ectoBiologist: you’re ruining it. shut up.

turntechGodhead: you started this conversation

ectoBiologist: because it’s the first snow i’ve in like a year! this is exciting shit Dave!

turntechGodhead: is it now

turntechGodhead: im sorry for my wrong reaction

turntechGodhead: ahem

turntechGodhead: wow snow ooo

ectoBiologist: whatever just-

He stopped typing completely, but it was only a few seconds until I was being called and his icon popped up on my screen. There wasn’t any way I could easily get out of it now, so I answered it a little reluctantly and sat back in my chair. He was already grinning at the screen and waving when it connected. That waving quickly turned to pointing as he picked his laptop up and carried it to the window.

“It’s fucking snowing- you don’t even know how excited this makes me.”

“Oh, I’m sure I can infer.” I muttered in response, squinting a bit as the jostling of the video made my head hurt.

“No you can’t Dickbutt Strider-”

“Not exactly how you pronounce my name.”

“-because you have told me you most likely have never seen snow, and being that this is the first snow of the year, I feel obliged to show you and let you share this momentous occasion with me.”

“I’m forever grateful Jackass Egbert.”

When the camera finally did settle, he was holding it as close to the window as he could where you could see out of the second story down to his yard where the grass was already covered in a thin layer of white. Of course, I had seen snow in pictures and movies before so it wasn’t surprising or amazing, I just had never experienced it first hand. So this really was nothing all that new, and really this whole thing was leaving me uncomfortable. The conversation was probably normal to him, but everything I had to give was forced. Every word was a threat to letting what happened slip. I couldn’t help but fear what I might say.

“You really need to experience this first hand sometime.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Except I can’t because you can’t stop an addiction I-- you keep doing the drug. That’s what it was like now. Liking- pathetically loving – a boy who is spreading his hetero vibe though a state across the country is like doing a drug that slowly rots your brain and makes you go insane. I’m already halfway there, but my brain is perfectly fine.

“You know who I think would really like the snow- My baby Lizzie. Wouldn’t she? That little black head popping up from all the white.”

I fell silent, eyes trailing away from the still window faced screen.

“I don’t know. John I-”

“I think she would. Speaking of which, let me see her. It’s been too long.”

“John-”

“How has she been anyway? I know you weren’t really all that fond of having a pet. What about Bro? Has he come to love her too?”

“John, you might what to turn the camera back around.” My fingers were already tapping on my knee as my leg bounced nervously.

“Huh? Oh- right.” The laptop was quickly moved again until it was I could only assume in his lap as he sat onto his bed. “What’s up?”

I sighed deeply, my fingers going under my shades to dig at my eyes.

“It’s about the cat. She’s-” I broke off to clear my throat. It was like a Band-Aid, I just had to rip it off and it’d be like it was painless. “She’s dead.”

It wasn’t painless.

There was a long silence, one that ripped at the air more than a voice would. I tried my best not to look up, but I couldn’t stand it anymore after my heartbeat became too loud and my leg was beginning to hurt after I discovered I had apparently been scratching it. Once my eyes were up, I was caught in his stare.

“She’s dead?” He asked, voice surprisingly calm, but I knew that he was devastated beneath it all.

I nodded, sitting further back in the chair in a mere hope I would disappear.

“How?”

“I was taking out the trash, left the door open. She got out- I probably could have caught her, but I think I scared her and she ran off into the alley. Dog caught her.”

His eyes were down cast, staring at the keyboard. I almost felt bad for ruinning his snowy day happiness, but I couldn’t feel like this anymore. I had been quickly for far too long.

“Was it bad?”

 “Gruesome.”

He flinched, shoulders hunching and eyes going shut. “Shit.” A hand went over his eyes after he removed his glasses. “How long ago?”

“Two weeks.”

“Christ- and you didn’t tell me until now?”

“We’ve both been busy.”

“Leave me a fucking voice mail or something then.”

My fingers were back to their tapping, toes curling and uncurling in my socks. “You know as well as I do that would’ve been worse.”

“Still, a common courtesy call would’ve done it. Jesus Christ Dave.”

“Jesus Christ yourself. It wasn’t really as easy as calling you up and saying ‘hey you know that cat you really love that you trust me with? Yeah it’s dead. Alright, have a good day.’ I mean really, do you think your reaction would be any better if I had done it like that?”

He head rose again, eyes narrowing into little annoying slits. “Well no, but still. You should tell me when shit like that happens.”

“Well, it happened. And I picked up the mess, getting all bloody and shit while I put her body in the dumpster-”

“What!” His voice rose to the cracking point of squealing. “You put her body in the fucking dumpster? How many times do I have to say it- Jesus Christ, Dave! That’s not what you do with a body! Ever heard of a funeral?”

“I didn’t have a fucking shovel, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask anyone for one while I was carrying a dead cat around and being covered in its blood. That’s not suspicious at all.” My voice was surprisingly stable at this point. I think it was mostly because I wasn’t going to allow myself to snap back at him. That would only make this argument last longer, and really, all I wanted at this point was to rewind about ten minutes to where this conversation never happened.

“Whatever,” He was quiet again. The bad kind of John quiet. The kind of quiet that meant you were mentally shutting down and about to go into a state of blank minded silence. “it was just a stupid cat anyway. I don’t know why this matters- I only knew it for a day. Fuck it- now you’re free, right?”

“Free just when I started to like the damn thing.”

“That always happens I guess.” He slouched back into his propped up pillows with a defeated sigh while rubbing his temples. “Things always change just about the time you get used to them.”

“It’s usually for the better.” Except never. “Maybe you can get a pet when you move out.”

“Yeah, maybe I will.”

In the midst of the argument, the dull pain had left my chest. The discomforting loneliness I always seemed to feel when I talk to him. But now that everything had died down and it was back to idle conversation, it returned. I felt sick all the sudden, but I couldn’t stop staring through the computer screen and wishing it wasn’t all that far away. Really, I didn’t want to rewind ten minutes, I wanted to rewind about four months so it could be summer again. I hated to admit it, but I felt happy during the summer; first time in a while.

 I had never quite known what it felt to be normal, but I had friends over the summer. I had things to do and people to talk to. Now what? Now I’m some kid who at almost fifteen has developed a habit of self-loathing and a necessity for someone that I constantly ignore. Fucked up doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about what’s happened in only a couple of months. Stuck without a remedy and it all feels like a world of buildings sitting on my shoulders, waiting any moment to explode and bury me in the rubble.

I hadn’t been talking for a few minutes, but from the looks of things when I tuned back in, neither had he. He was still sitting there, rubbing his head and doing something on his phone.

“Hey John.”

It took two more times of saying his name for him to finally look up.

“Huh?”

“I think I’m going to go. I need to- cook some dinner.” Good job lying.

“Oh, yeah, alright. Sure.”

“Alright, goodbye.”

My hand was already on the top of my laptop ready to close it when he was staring at then and his brow furrowed.

“I thought we weren’t saying goodbye.”

I moved my hand away just as he looked back at the screen.

“What?”

“Goodbye. I thought we weren’t going to say that.”

There was one final drawn out silence. All we did was stare back and forth. It looked eye to eye but the fact that I was staring at a camera lens made the false reality of it shatter.

_I won’t say goodbye- I’ll say goodnight._

That seemed like a good thought at the time. It made the initial blow of him leaving a little less like a bullet through the chest. But I could feel things had changed now. I was trying to let the scab grow over the bullet hole, but that wasn’t to work if I kept picking at it every time I talked to him. Every time I felt the way I had before meant it was going to take that much longer to get over everything. So I had to change it for good. I needed to get away more than he did. I couldn’t keep picking at it- it was time to let the wound heal.

I took hold of the screen again, completely flat faced and monotone before I shut it. “Goodbye, John.”

I sat for a few minutes, staring down at the closed computer. I pushed away from my desk, feet dragging as I wandered to the kitchen. Between the shouting and how quickly everything as falling apart, I was suddenly very glad no one was home. I wasn’t going to pass out this time, but I still felt sick, unattached. I delivered the final blow while simultaneously covering to wound to try and make it heal.

From the kitchen drawer I pulled out the lighter first, setting it to the side, then a cigarette. The pack was close to full. Bro really didn’t smoke all that much, it was few and far between which means I could sneak one in every now and then to where he doesn’t know. Jake took some too occasionally, but he was more of a cigar person anyway. If you’ve never seen a dorky twenty-six year old mountain man smoking a cigar while cooking in a ‘kiss the chef’ apron, you’ve never lived.

Either way, I hadn’t really done it that much. Since ‘the incident’, I had done it maybe twice. Each time had all sorts of reasons. The other two had been for exceptionally bad days. Days when sanity was being stretched thinner than usual and my mind was clouded with the disembodied faces of everyone around me who just didn’t quite understand how bad it could get. At this point, I was making my way out the apartment and up to the elevator. I went to the top floor, got out and went to the stairs. It was another two flight sot to the roof. Thankfully, they kept the door unlocked, but I propped it open with a brick to make sure the same could be said from the outside. I walked to the edge of the roof, the wall reaching a little above my waist as I cupped my hand around the end of the smoke and lit it. A while back I had had the fear might acquire an addiction, but I couldn’t care all that much. Just one more problem to add to the list of things wrong with me. By the time it was out of my mouth and I was blowing smoke into the breeze, I was up with one leg over the wall and the other one perched on it so I could prop my elbow on it. My tongue was already a little fuzzy, but my nerves were calming down with each slow inhale of smoke.

It was surprise how much had happened in one year- less than that really. Last November I would have never expected any of it. Gaining an old friend before simultaneously falling for him and shoving him away will truly change you. I was sad- I couldn’t deny that, but it wasn’t going to ruin me. I wasn’t going to go into some sort of depression. At least not for reasons pertaining to him. It made my chest ache, but that wouldn’t make me hate the world. I hated the world for reasons that actually mattered. Reasons because of the ways it rejected me.

But this wasn’t some moment of “I’m going to turn my life around.” That felt like a lost cause now. This wasn’t a time to clean up and promise to be a good person like someone addicted to alcohol does. I’d rather just let things be as they may and survive in the back light. Sophomore year was not even half way over and I was already ready to leave that hit whole and do better things. Bro had long told me he wanted me to go to college, because he never did, but the whole thing never appealed to me. That was a while away I guess. I had at least two and a half more years before I had to worry about that. Until then, I was fit to suffer through my life as it was. But really, suffer was such an awful word to use. It made everything sound like I was asking to receive pity if I described anything as another thing I had to suffer through. Pity was the last thing I wanted. I’d rather, for a lack of a better word, suffer in silence than gain pity from those around me who were secretly just glad they knew they were better off.

It didn’t like having such pathetic thoughts. It’s not like I tried to be the weak puppy that everyone felt bad for. That’s why I never voiced anything. In a society like this, people who speak up about shit like that felt marked as people who do nothing but pine for attention. While some may be that way, that doesn’t apply to everyone. But either way, it was easier to shut up about it all instead.

I guess that’s why I liked John. You could tell him all that shit and he wouldn’t say anything; he’d just sit there nodding and listening until you were done. Then he’s spout off some advice that would never help realistically, but at least he cared enough to listen and not just tell me I was “just complaining” or “to suck it up and stop being a little bitch”. I got sick of those responses, but what could I do now? The last sense of decent humanity I had was now gone because it’d be better that way. It’d be easier to let him go and move on with my life. It’d make everything easier. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so badly anymore. Maybe I wouldn’t be stuck on the dork forever.

Maybe.


	19. Chapter 19

It was the worst at night when I'd lay in darkness without being able to slow the gears that constantly ground together inside my skull. The silence was too much and it made me feel worse than being alone. This alone was different. It wasn't a 'you have no friends but a girl who barely has time for you anymore and your creepy "goth freak" of a sister,’ it was an alone that was too quiet. The sound of my own breathing bothered more than the constant ticking of the clock on my dresser, never seeming to align with my heartbeat. It was unnerving. The silence made it harder to sleep because I could never drown out my thoughts; the thoughts that killed me little by little as I was wasting away into a shell of what I was. The worst time was being able to hear those very thoughts. From contemplating the utter existence of my pathetic being to the shitty embarrassing pains of love, I could never keep my mind quiet enough. Slowly this deprivation of sleep was catching up with me. It made mornings harder to stand, it made my already lack of enthusiasm to get up completely nonexistent, and it made my urge to make something of myself that of a rock. I would have been content to lie in bed forever, but I couldn't kill myself off like that. I'd live, just at the quality of an introverted, antisocial asshole who was apparently allergic to any behavior that is deemed healthy. Not having a way to distract myself made it hard to get over the very thing that kept me awake. Sometimes I think school was worse, but eventually, it all came back to me lying in darkness. At school, I still was just there. I did what I had to do to pass, but other than that, I talked to Rose when she wasn’t reading and sat mindlessly as people talked around me. Occasionally, people came to ask me how John was doing since they claimed I was “his best friend” and should know. Instead of bursting the fantasy of our best-friendship, I would simply say yes, he’s good, but he does miss everyone here. Without faltering, each one would smile and nod; probably assuming he thought about them directly and missed them specifically. People believed they were entitled to be missed, and so, I made them feel like they were. I’m sure John missed this place, but did he lie in his bed going over each name and face that he missed? Most likely not.

It’s just, when someone asks you how someone is who you haven’t talked to in weeks, you can’t respond with “good, but he’s probably not thinking about you directly”.  I’m an ass, but I’m not _that_ much of an ass. I can’t tell them “oh, I wouldn’t know. I’ve decided to stop being friends with him.” They wouldn’t care. That would make them feel uncomfortable, so instead of dealing with that, I took the easy way out. I didn’t help my own recovery of stifling my own friendship and committing homicide to my own emotion, but it was a good tactic for temporary numbing.

Because christ, I was embarrassed by my own thoughts at night. They were the thoughts you’d imagine coming from a girl who has just been shot down or is pining after someone who won’t notice them. The feeling of loneliness and emotional downfall that makes me pity myself because of how pathetic I’ve become. I lay and curse my decisions, but in the morning deny I ever thought any of it. I don’t mean to be melodramatic, I don’t _want_ to be, but emotion is not gender specific mind you. I was losing sleep which drained everything else away and filled it with apathy.

* * *

 

Within a few weeks, it was my birthday. Fifteen wasn’t exactly a big year, but you can’t just not celebrate a birthday no matter how anti-climactic it is. There was a small cake waiting for me after I woke up and dragged myself out of bed. I never really wanted to get up very often. Waking up now always meant I was either going to laze around the apartment or go to school and be both bored and irritated at all times. Either way, sleeping seemed like the only good use of my time anymore. All my hopes were put to when this school year would be at least half over; then I’d have summer to wait for. I had received my birthday text from Jade, unsurprisingly at midnight. And I woke up to another from Rose. I replied to both with simple thanks. I ended up laying there until the thought of a third happy birthday text that never came, not that I expected it too, drove me out in order to distract myself. The constant calling of my name helped pull me out as well. The distinct tone and elongation of the words could only belong to dear mother Lalonde. It was probably afternoon considering that there were already people in my living room. Contemplating the risk of her barging in if I didn’t answer in a few minutes, I slid to my feet and began getting dressed. Buttoning my jeans and grabbing a brush, I walked to the bathroom while waving at them as I passed through the hall. I stood an extra minute after combing through my hair just to stare back at my drained face. My shades were on the counter, leaving sunken eyes unhindered. Someone really wouldn’t know about the lack of sleep I got- or didn’t get- until they looked at my eyes, but because I kept them hidden, it went unknown. It wasn’t anyone’s business really. I kept to myself, so they shouldn’t exactly care either.

Covering my eyes by slipping on my shades was solution enough to fix the problem. Taking a deep breath, I made my way into the living room. I was met with two arms winding around my shoulders and a welcoming hum in my ear.

“Happy Birthday, Davey.” Roxy’s soothing voice chimed, her lips planting a kiss to my temple before she backed up.

It was weird seeing everyone here just because of me being born. Birthdays always seemed kind of odd to me. It wasn’t just the morbid thought of you’re one year close to death, but also the mundaneness of it. Every year of gradual change was barely different than the one before.

After Roxy was gone, Rose appeared from behind her. We stared at each other for a moment before she opened her arms and offered the faintest hint of a smile. It wasn’t much, but I knew that was about all I’d get.

“Brother.” She spoke quietly, tilting her head a bit as she said it.

I stepped forward into the hug, actually returning this one and hooking my chin over her shoulder.

“How are you?” She whispered into my ear as she gave a final squeeze and stepped back.

“Good as I can be.” I replied with a shrug, but the look on her face was suddenly one of ‘well just you wait.’

I wasn’t too worried about the look until she moved. Smiling back at me was a miss Jane Crocker.

I tried to smile back at least, but I was quickly aware I had lost the capability to actually form one. Even now she was too much of a reminder. The subtle upturn of her mouth, the color of her hair, her eyes, that tiny bit of teeth that stuck out just enough to be visible in a grin; it was all too similar. But in replace of continuing to stare at her, I ducked to the side and went to sit on one of that kitchen chairs that had been dragged into the carpeted area behind the coffee table. People still had their eyes on me, staring as an uncomfortable bubbling was rising in my gut. There was a sudden small gurgle of laughter coming from Jake on the other side of the couch by Jane.

“Well, is everyone alright with eating lunch now?” For once I was glad for his incessant need to fill silence.

Without having previously noticing, I was now sitting up a bit to examine the buffet of food on the counter. It was almost a mad dash to get over there, everyone filling their plates with a burger and every kind of side you could want. I opted for some Doritos and a small handful of tater tots. Everything was fine until we were all sitting again. Even though we were eating, there was still a sort of awkward silence. Birthdays for us were never anything to get excited about. We didn’t want to make a big deal out of it- so we usually did just this. People came over, eat, give a card or two, and leave. Tomorrow Bro and I were going over to Rose’s house to do much of the same thing tonight seeing that her birthday was oddly enough a day after mine. Jade’s had been just two days ago, but I didn’t do more than tell her happy birthday and give her a card. She was finding her own friend group recently, and I was becoming less interested in talking to her than ever before. Sometimes she would acknowledge me, but other times it was just with a passing glance and an almost hidden wave.

We were still in the eating stage, but there were a few cards on the table and a small bag with tissue paper puffing out of it. While this “party” was technically for me, I did very little of the talking. Rose and I shared a few bits of idle, snarky conversation, but for the most part I just listened. I was amused really by the four of them. They all seemed like people who would never get along. I saw that people like Jake and Jane would just get on Bros nerves. And having a girl like Jane who always acted so nice would only be offended by Bro and Roxy’s brash behavior and way of speaking. I think over all, people would find Jake’s completely oblivious air headedness when it came to anything that falls into social standards utterly obnoxious and insufferable. All four of them were completely opposites of one another. And yet, there they were all laughing about something I had missed while wrapped up in my thoughts. Rose was watching them just as close as I was while sipping at some lemonade before perching the glass on her knee. Once I looked back up to her face, I realized she was staring straight at me. Her eyes flicked over to them before she shrugged, but I leaned over to hear what she was whispering.

“They’re not much different than we were, you know?” With that, she stood and set her glass down as she walked to the hall.

I guess she was right really, but the important part of that statement was the “were”; the word she put the most emphasis on. That ‘were’ meant ‘us’ as of last spring and summer. It referred to the time when our group still had four loyal members. That was the time when four people who had no business being friends would laugh about the stupidest things and stay up late in someone’s backyard  because our parents never worried about us being together. I almost wanted to laugh at the melancholy tone of the thought. Thinking that for them, they’ve been like this since childhood, but for us, we couldn’t even make it past freshman year without completely falling apart. Our group was broken now. John was gone, Jade was practically gone too considering how little I had talked to her in the past few months. My relationship with Rose was about the same, maybe not as close since she didn’t even know about any of my current problematic habits. Nor was I going to tell her. I don’t think I could handle another round of brain picking at this point.

This supposed birthday party had apparently become a reunion for them. They didn’t have much time anymore to all get together. I wasn’t going to become a selfish kid who’s upset because no one’s paying attention to them. I was going to let them have their fun. It’s not my place to ruin a situation that I myself would have enjoyed. Instead, I waited until we ate the cake that was of course delicious, and then I went back to my room. Rose joined me after a bit, handing me a card.

“From both mother and I.” She said as I opened the card and some little fluffy dog was staring at me once I popped the seal of the envelope. There was a quiet sigh as she sat beside me on the bed, back against the wall and ankles crossed.

“She picked out the card- it made her laugh a tremendous amount. You should probably tell her you like it. It would make her very happy; I think she was a bit worried.”

It was times like these that I wanted to feel bad for Rose. Some people think she is too snudy for them. They think she believes she is better than them. The problem is- she is. Not financially, for some, not intelligence wise for others- though she is very smart- and not even personality wise, but she is, in a sense, better. From a young age, she has had to practically take care of herself. Bro has told me in the long history of trying to explain how exactly things happened, but Roxy had always been like she is. Her drinking habit started from a young age. By the time of her fourteenth birthday she had already developed her addiction. He said after things started with our father, it worsened. It was the assumed reasoning that she did so because her home life wasn’t the best either. Her parents were divorced, and she barely saw her dad as it was. Her mother wasn’t a bad person, but she was bitter and strict. It made her lash out and, apparently, drink. Of course, Bro didn’t come to know her until he was in middle school. In his old school, the middle and high were put together in one building. As a sixth grader, he came to know her as a sophomore through a mutual friend. It was a weird friendship because of their age difference and personality, but she seemed to take an odd liking to my brother. He had known who she was beforehand; she was at first just “that girl who got pregnant.” At fifteen, she had had her first and only child. Little did he know, that child was technically his half-sister. She had known who he was though. She had known very well that this was the son of her teacher. Yes, father had been a teacher before he did all that he did. More surprisingly, people loved him. He kept his drinking, gambling, and smoking a secret in the back of his drawer. No one knew until he had killed himself and an investigation began. But that was a whole different issue. The problem with Roxy was she fell for the charismatic man he carried himself as. He laid his Strider charm on thick and used it to make people do what he wanted. No one could have expected what an asshole he was- and for that reason, Bro had to hold his tongue for the longest time, hide the bruises and scars, and swallow the words that were shouted at him every night. He had gone through more than anyone could ever imagine, but he had to keep quiet about all of it in order to keep himself safer. Within two years of their friendship, Roxy explained what had happened. Once she knew they had a relationship that could withstand it. He was furious at first. Confused at how she could possibly do that with such a horrible man, but she said he wasn’t like that with her. She said with her he was sweet and kind- turns out it was all fake. As soon as she got pregnant, he dropped contact. He still had to act as her teacher for the rest of the school year, but other than that, things were over. It devastated her just as his death did, Things got very uncomfortable around here occasionally. She and Bro fought on more than one occasion about what kind of man he was even to this day.  Needless to say, they never agreed. They had known two different men.

When I first met Rose, we were about three. I didn’t understand what had actually happened until I was nine. Bro finally decided to explain to me why my sister had a different mother that I did. At the time of my father’s death, I was sad- I never quite understood why Bro hated him because he had never told me the truth. Rose never felt that sad either. She didn’t know him- he was never a father to her. She didn’t feel anything, but her mother did. Roxy had managed to stop her drinking while she was pregnant- dropping it cold turkey apparently took its toll on her. She was, from Bro’s account, miserable for the eight and a half months before Rose was born. She had promised Bro and Jane that she would stop even after Rose was born, but when my father killed himself, she started up again- worse than ever in fact. And that’s only how I ever knew her. I had me sober Roxy a few times, but she was a very sullen person. Nothing seemed as bright or cherry when it wasn’t laden in bubbly, throat burning liquid. As much as it saddened her, Rose knew this better than I did. She had lived all her life with this woman. She grew up with a mother who still acted like a child. She grew up with a mother who still _was_ a child. No fifteen year old is prepared to take care of a child with little to no help. It’s no wonder why she was so dependent on something as simple as a little happy juice. When you’re put through hell, you try to find any way to get out of it. And from that stemmed Rose taking care of herself from a young age. Roxy didn’t know how to be a good mother. She had never had one, and no one ever showed her how. She loved Rose of course, but that love wouldn’t be the same as being a good mother. Rose had grown up more with a friend than a mother A person who lets her live in her house and provides her with food occasionally that she has to eventually cook herself. This is a friend that makes you clean up after them and hold their hair when they drink a bit too much. It was taking care of a child when you should be the one being taken care of. Their roles were almost completely switched. She never engaged with her daughter. Which caused her to go into the seclusion of reading and writing book after book and taking a deep involvement in the world of yarn based crafts. She grew up to be as sophisticated as a mother, and therefore seems to have little to no interest in the immaturity of our age. I wasn’t much of a child myself, most of the time, but for her, it was never an option. You could tell after being around her for a while that she wanted to on occasion. She wanted to be young; she didn’t want to take care of her mother all her life.

The way her face dimmed even more when talking about the card proved it. It was just a small thing, but you could see that she was the only one who put thought into this. Roxy liked the card because it was cute and made her laugh. To anyone else, it would be nothing, but you  can just see that Rose wanted to put every bit of thought into something for me, wanting to get something with some meaning, but only to been blown away by her mother’s attraction to a cute animal. The only thing I could do was nod and say that I would make sure to tell her I liked the card. It relieved her some, so she gave small nod before handing me the small white bag next.

“And this one’s from me. Let’s hope you don’t dislike it completely.”

What I pulled out of the bag was something I had not expected. In a clear case with no writing on it at all was a CD. I lifted it up, looking at it and flipping it over before looking back to her.

“I don’t listen to much music, but I figured since you enjoy it so, I’d share my miniscule taste with you. Maybe you can mix them together or something.”

I put it back in the bad and nodded. “I’ll give it a listen tonight.”

She opened her mouth to respond, but there was a knock at the door before it opened and Jane and Roxy appeared in the door frame.

“Ready to go, honey?”

Only a small glance was given to the door before Rose was standing after hugging me quickly.

“Happy Birthday again, brother.” She said as she walked out the door.

Just before they were gone, I managed to tell Roxy that I did in fact love her card. A wide smile spread across her face as she blew a kiss and turned back into the hall.

I expected Jane to leave as well, but when I turned my attention back to the door after the feeling of being watched grew too much, I found that Jane was still standing there, arms held behind her back. She smiled when my eyes landed on her. She always had such a warm smile, rounded cheeks, plumping and small dimples forming each time. It was a very motherly smile that just made you feel at ease. She stepped in; keeping those arms clasped behind her while she looked about my room.

“I like it in here.” She commented before looking back down at me. “It really matches you.”

“Thanks.”

It came out in a mutter, obviously affecting the strength of her smile.

“Happy Birthday, Dave.” I had apparently scared the small talk out of her.

With a single nod from me, she extended both her hands. She had a card in each. One had my name written in formal cursive while the other was written like someone had tried to write it nicely but eventually failed. It also had an address and a stamp, but the street wasn’t mine. I looked at it oddly until she answered y unspoken question.

“John mailed it to me. He said he forgot your address, so he asked if I would give it to you.”

I nodded as I took it, looking over the envelope as if I could read something that wasn’t there if I stared long enough. Before I had time to say thank you, she was already wishing me a Happy Birthday and saying goodbye with a smile and a wave. I opened hers first after she shut my door back. It was a generic Birthday card. One that had a simple message how Birthdays are supposed to be fun and how I should enjoy mine while it lasts. She signed the bottom with her pretty, curly handwriting and added a small smiley face at the end. There was a five dollar bill in the bottom of the envelope which I happily took to my wallet that was laying on my desk.

I would have returned to my bed and opened the other, but Bro had walked up behind me even before I turned around. I jumped a bit as I spun on my heels and was met face to chest with him. “Jesus-” I craned my head back, lifting a brow expectantly. “Yes?” Taking a step back, he turned and flicked his hand for me to follow. “Where’s Jake?” I asked once we were out the door.

“Out front.”

I had asked him twice where we were going by the time we were out in front of the building. He hadn’t answered me, but he didn’t really have to when I saw Jake standing out by what to me looked like- yeah, that was a motorcycle.

I walked up to it silently, stopping and staring for a moment.

“Are you serious?” I asked, looking up to Jake before turning around. “Is it-”

He nodded, pulling a key out of his back pocket.

“It was a bit cheaper than a car.”

“I’m not even sixteen you idiot.”

“There’s a way. We’ll check and see if we can get you a hardship license, and it’ll take a little while to get your permit and learn how to drive it anyway.”

There was a firm hand on my shoulder as a helmet was pushed into my chest from above.

“You can count on me to teach you how.” Jake said with a cheeky grin, holding a helmet of his own under his arm. “Want to go for a ride to try it out?”

“I didn’t know you could drive one.” I said as I put the helmet on almost hesitantly.

He popped his helmet on with that grin beaming. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me young Strider.”

That made me chuckle a bit as I climbed on the back of the bike. He hopped on in front which made me have to peer over his shoulder to see what he was doing. He kept one foot on the ground, but the other was propped on a pedal. “Put the key in.” I started it up, and after he pushed the button to what apparently was the starter, the motor buzzed immediately with a jolt. He put his hands up on the handles and grabbed the left one. “Here’s your clutch. The other one’s your brake and gas. Let the left go just enough to where you’ll move and roll forward a bit to shift it down into the right gear by kicking the lever down by my foot. If you let it out slowly, you’re going to start to move, but don’t do it too quickly or you’ll stall the bike.” I watched his hands, brows furrowed a bit as we started to slowly move a bit before he stopped it and pulled the handle all the way back in. “You can pretty much roll slowly when you have it out, or you can keep it in the make sure you don’t freak out if you give it too much gas. For the most part, just let it out enough and once it’s rolling, you add the gas.” With another click of the gear, he brought his foot up doing exactly what he had said before pulling on the right handle which made it go faster as he pulled out onto the road. It was a little intimidating being on this, but with one arm around his stomach, holding myself in place, it actually felt cool. I still couldn’t really believe that Bro would let me have this even with how long it would take to learn how to drive it. I closed my eyes a moment, resting the side of my head against his back as he drove around the neighborhood. Things with Jake still weren’t completely mended, but we were at least civil towards each other. He was decent enough to teach me how to drive one of these things and I guess that was okay with me.

Sadly, the ride was short lived. He only did one loop before coming back to the apartment building and shouting over the engine.

“To stop, let off the gas and slowly start to break. Don’t do it too quick or you might flip.” When we stopped, he pulled off his helmet and hooked it under his arm. “Always get off on the left side so you don’t risk burning your leg on the muffler.”

I took note of that as I climbed off and removed my helmet. Bro had glanced up from his phone before pocketing it and walked over with an extended hand.

“You enjoy yourself?”

I nodded back, handing him the helmet.

“Thanks again.”

“’Course.” He ruffled my hair up before pulling me into a one armed hug which I returned weakly. “Happy Birthday lil’ bro.”

He gave me one last final pat to my back before I said my thank you and goodbye once more before I made my way back up to the apartment.

When I was finally back in my room, I grabbed the bag still on my bed and pulled the cd out. My laptop was up on my desk, so I pushed the cd in the drive and hit play when it popped up. I was a little surprised by the quiet and slow, almost indie sounding song that stared playing with soft acoustic guitar, tambourine, and the humming of a woman’s voice. It was nice to listen to; I was pretty much indifferent to the genre. It wasn’t what I usually listened to, but I didn’t dislike it. I sat back down on my bed, the unopened card poking at my leg. I had almost forgotten about it, or maybe my mind just blocked it out, but now I was staring down at it not really sure how to feel. I debated even opening it. I had been doing so well in not talking to him. I wasn’t doing much better without him, but I felt like it would only worsen if I tried to mend ties with him again. But there was still that part of my mind; the part that would have done anything to keep the friendship. It was the part telling me to open it and unlike a few months ago when I stopped talking to him, this part was louder for once. So, I bore the seal. There were two things in the envelope, but I took out what looked like the card first.  Couldn’t help but laugh at what the card was. On the front was a big picture of Mario in a race car. I cracked a smile e, a few chuckled coming out. I didn’t really start laughing until I opened it and saw that a crudely draw Rainbow Road map was all over the inside. I wondered if he looked for a card like this or if he just found it and had to make a silly joke out of it. The only part of the card that wasn’t completely full of badly drawn Mario kart references was the space right under the “Drive into a day of Birthday fun!” phrase which he had filled with writing.

                _Happy Birthday Dave! I guess we haven’t really talked much recently, schools kept both of us buy I’m sure. I wouldn’t worry though, it’s been fun. People are getting a bit nicer here, and I’m back on track team so I’ve made some new friends. Hopefully things are well over there too. Jane told me all of you were getting together for a little party- I kind of wish I could be there with all you guys again. Maybe I’ll be able to visit soon! Winter breaks coming soon, so who knows. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the beautiful card I picked out for you and the rest of your day. See you around- John_

He signed with a small smiley face just like Jane’s at the end. I stared at it for a while, quite unsure how I should feel. Half of me thought the proper response was to smile and know he thought about doing this, but I didn’t have the proper response. Instead, I sat and gazed down at it blankly- essentially feeling nothing. I couldn’t even react to the possible chance he would be visiting soon. I doubted his dad would pay for that anyway.

I was going to dismiss it completely and put the card back in the envelope just to throw it away, but as I was doing so, I remembered there was something else in there. I pulled out the other object discovering a photograph. It was of John lying on the ground, completely surrounded by white. He had sunk down into about two or three feet of it, holding the camera up as high as he could. It looked like he was laughing, cheeks red from the cold and his smile lines creased as he was giving a toothy grin upwards. He eyes were squinted shut mid-laugh, but you could see the flakes on his lashes even through his foggy glasses. He had been so excited about the snow. It was obvious he had missed it. He really only wanted to share that happiness with me, but staring back at the picture only made things sad. Everything built up over the past few months was slowly cracking away. The fact that I hadn’t seen that smile or heard that laugh was killing me.

I set the photo down and went to my desk, opening the top drawer. I reached to the very back and pulled out a different picture. I hadn’t looked at it in a while; his sleeping face seeming just as peaceful as I remember. I went back to my bed, flopping down and scooting up against my pillows. Picking up the other, I held them next to each other. I had taken the first in May, but even if it was only seven months before, he still looked older while he was covered in snow. He was filling out nicely and it pained me to think such things. I was falling back into old habits; the habits that made me take the picture in the first place. Now I had two. I just couldn’t keep it up. I couldn’t not think about him, but that’s all I could let myself do. I wouldn’t allow myself to do any more than hopelessly dream and hope one day it would go away. As I sat with these two pictures in front of me, I couldn’t believe how pathetic I was to still be pining after him. It was sad and even after all the time I tried to fix it, he was still tearing me apart from thousands of miles away.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys sorry it's been so long! This past month has been crazy busy with the end of school and all, but I'm out of school now, so maybe I'll have some more time!

 

One and one sixth years, fourteen months, and four hundred and six days later, it was one of my least favorite days. Rose had her arms around my waist as we rode to school on a slightly warm February morning. Of course the bike has lost its initial shimmer, but it was still going strong. I had finally mastered how to ride it about May or April of last year. Now at seventeen and over halfway through my junior year, I drove Rose and myself to school almost every day. She is getting a car over the summer, but for now, I had taken her mother’s role as her ride.

Once I had pulled up on my parking spot and we were off the bike with the kick stand down, she was fixing her hair in the side mirror. She stood back up, taking my helmet and hanging them on the back. I had already managed to swipe my bangs back into place when an arm came around my shoulders to pull me into a chest.

“Good mornin’ Strider.” The voice boomed in my ear before pushing me back away. “Ready for some day time lovin’?”

Let’s just take a minute to comment on this asshole. As much of and dick he was, more surprisingly, he was my friend. Slicked back hair and his voice that seemed stuck in the 50’s forever were more annoying than his personality.

“Not from you Ampora.”

“Ah, right- you’ll just hold out from my brother, eh?”

I slung my bag into on shoulder and grunted.

“Believe it or not, he is one person I can’t stand more than you.”

“He’s just a little too desperate in my opinion.”

“I can agree with that. Besides, I don’t think any “lovin” on this day is actual love. It’s all just done in the pathetic atmosphere of you need someone to flower in disgusting affection.”

“Is someone upset because they don’t have a little squeeze of their own?”

I ground my teeth together, hand tightening on the strap of my bag. Those kind of comments always bothered me- especially from someone who did all he could to get a girl in his lap.

Rose skipped up beside us as we walked, nudging him in the side with her elbow

“Cronus dear, I’d stop your taunting if I were you. You know how much he hates this day.”

“A’ course, doll. Anythin for you.”

She smiled a little, but shook her head. “Never going to happen _sweet_.”

“I’ve got all day to win your heart.”

She walked ahead a bit, holding her books to her chest as she turned and walked backwards in front of us. “If I were you, I’d move on to someone else. Maybe Davey here perhaps.” With the flash of a cynical grin, she had turned and was gone.

“She has a point, but sorry kitten; I don’t swing my saddle that way.”

Now a few things that were bothering me; It was Valentine’s Day, I hated this day, and my ‘secret’ was out. Come last year, I had been outed. I wasn’t exactly sure how it happened, but I couldn’t really stop it once it started. I had already had a few new friends at that point, but only a handful of them knew. One of them apparently told. It wasn’t a life running incident, but it also wasn’t that enjoyable. Few people actually confronted me about it- I doubted half the people that found out cared. And for the ones that did, I didn’t really mind that they knew. The stereotypical bullying wasn’t something I had to deal with- not physically at least. Sure there were a few smartass comments now and then, but I could brush most of them off. And the ones I couldn’t didn’t hurt too much. My friends didn’t seem to care, but they weren’t the most sound and reliable. Considering I had accumulated most of them through Cronus and I gained his friendship through bumming him a cigarette- it could be assumed they weren’t the most upstanding citizens. But I can’t say that I didn’t feel better around the, than I did the few times Jade had tried in the past to get me into her group. Ur friendship actually became a bit better over the past two years. We realized how different we were, but got over the fact we didn’t like each other’s friends and moved on from that. She still came over every now and then with Rose to hang out and catch up. As for Rose, she mainly stuck with me. She had made a few new friend of her own, but lately she had become my keeper so I didn’t do anything too stupid. I had gotten into a lot of shit because of these guys, but I tried my best to not let it control everything.

It wasn’t as if I tried that hard to stop it. My smoking had picked up to an actual habit now- mainly stemming from the growing addiction and the fact that when all you friends do it, it’s easier to do it with them. It wasn’t peer pressure, but it had become a pass time for most of us. I had been chewed out by Bro because of it, but that argument was easy to turn back on him when it was his fault I could get a hold of them in the first place.

I had grown quite a bit as well. I was still a pretty lanky kid, but I had some muscle on my arms and legs and I was noticeable taller.

Despite my personal growth in actually trying to make new friends, every other part of life was failing. My sleep schedule was still shit which made me inescapably tired all the time. Romance wise, I hadn’t progressed very far either. I hadn’t spoken to John in over a year, sometimes I struggled to even remember what his voice sounded like or what that grin looked like. I thought about him occasionally though. It was normally when things in my head got especially bad; in moments where I would have rather never gotten up than continue keep going. Besides my low moments, he was out of my mind; a friend long forgotten. But because he popped in every now and then, my “love life” was shit.

Another reason I hated this day.

Before people found out, a few girls had asked me if I had ever had a girlfriend. When I truthfully answered no, they suddenly got very friendly and went out of their way to talk to me and flatter me. I did them all the same, kindly ignored them completely and avoided any contact possible. After someone, for whatever reason, outed me, there were still one or two girls who missed the message, and surprisingly enough, a small handful of guys. I went to a big high school, a very big high school, so it shouldn’t have surprised me that there were other guys here who were gay. Still, the first time someone ever tried to make a move one me hit me completely off guard.

It was near the end of sophomore year, around March. I had been hanging around town with some of my newer friends, when one of them, Amy, returned with a friend of theirs. At first glance, he was kind of cute. It wasn’t an immediate reaction of holy shit he’s really hot, but it was more of just the passing thought when you first see someone cute- an adorable way almost. I didn’t really think anything of it- actually nothing at all since the person who brought him had been all but fawning over him and telling us how great of a guy he was. He was a bit shy in my opinion; either that or just awkward. Our group was full of straight forward people. We were blunt when it came to our opinions and would never hesitate in telling each other what we were thinking. This guy took too much time to respond; he barely spoke as it was. Finally, after a few hours, he started joining in. It was responses directed toward me mostly, but either way it was more than nothing. He should have before because we actually had close to the same twisted sense of humor. He warmed up to us after that much and I learned that his name was Tyler. Instead of hiding behind his bangs every time he talked, he soon flipped them from his face and spoke forward. His green eyes were bright and the only reason I actually noticed that is because they reminded me so much of the peppiness filled in John’s. I cursed myself for that and even more so when I caught myself comparing the two in almost every aspect.

As the day went on, I came to realize he was hanging around me a lot. Amy actually fussed at me later on that evening because of it. She got over it pretty quickly when I told her I had no intention of “turning him fruity”, but I was still warned not to do anything. I didn’t really know what I could have done considering I didn’t think he was gay at the time, but making that comment only earned me another sharp look from her.

As the night came closer, I found myself squished in a car ith way too many people. With Amy driving and Tyler beside her, I was crushed between Cronus and his friends whose name I later learned was Meenah. She was a very loud, opinionative girl who actually didn’t really seem to like Cronus all that much. He continued to insist upon their friendship, so I didn’t question it in fear I’d have to listen to them bicker again. Where this car was going, I wasn’t sure, but I was told “not to worry” and that “It’d be fun no doubt”. When we arrived where we were going, we all filed onto a porch. It took a few rounds of nocking before yet another person I didn’t know opened the door. He looked us over, his face scrunching up a bit.

“Aye Cronus, I told you, you could bring someone.”

Cronus popped his head out from behind me, nodding.

“An I did.”

“I’m counting four someones.”

“Eh, one- four- does it really matter? They’re all cool, no one else will know about this.”

“I don’t care if other people know, I just don’t want people here who don’t want to be,

 “They do-” there was a punching to my back that made me squirm. “Dontcha?”

* * *

 

This was a night of many firsts after I was shuffled into this unknown house. I was suddenly surrounded by people I knew and an equal amount of people I didn’t. Most of them were older than me, only one was younger and I think he was the brother of the guy at the door. The people my age were Amy and that guy she brought, but I think everyone else were Cronus’s senior friends. We were led down to the basement, a furnished room with carpet and obviously turned into a den of sorts. There was a large television in the corner, a pool table over on the other side of the room, and a small area with a mini-fridge and a toaster oven. From the size of the house, it was obvious this family had money. Whether it be from the decorations to the sheer fact that they had this size of the room and all the shit they had in it that they weren’t hurting for money.

There were a few people scattered around the room, two playing pool, one eating something from the fridge, and three others sitting on the floor at the other end of the room with their backs to the couch and their eyes trained to the television.

“Why are we here?” Tyler whispered over my shoulder, standing on his toes to do so.

“How would I know?” I muttered back, but he merely shrugged and stepped to my side.

“I figured you had something to do with this.”

“Nah- Cronus told me to come so I did. I’m guessing Amy didn’t tell you anything either.”

“She said it would be fun and.. She’s been clinging to me lately- which is kind of getting on my nerves, but I didn’t have anything else to do on this shitty night, so-”

“Finally someone who doesn’t idolize this day.”

He scoffed inwardly, shaking his head. “What? Idolize the pathetic hopes of everyone poisoned by the dream that they’ll magically fall in love on this day without even lifting a finger.”

“Like someone will just magically realize their endless feelings for you just because of a made up corporate holiday.”

The shaking turned to a nod, hands going to his pockets. “Exactly.”

I glanced over to him just as he turned his head, a small upturn in the corners of his mouth coming before a quiet chuckle. “God we’re cynical.” I commented, looking back over to the people watching t.v.

I could sense he was going to try and start up the conversation again, but arms hooked around both our necks as Cronus pushed us forward toward the people I was still watching. We were shoved to the other side of the room and then down to sit on the floor. Amy quickly put herself between the two of us, shooing me away with the back of her hand.

Before they even told us what they were doing, someone had pulled something out from the back of the closet and took it over into another room that jutted out from the main one. When they returned, one of the girls tossed a lighter to Cronus who has across from me and then she settled down on the other side of me back against the couch. I turned my head, brows raised in question, but she only waved a hand and ruffled my hair with a “Just wait and see”. Obviously she thought since she was older, she could treat me like a five year old.

Cronus just laughed at me, flicking the lighter a few times. “Eh, stop your worryin’ kid.”

The guy who was at the door sat down cross legged with what looked to be some funky messed up piece of glasswork. As soon as I actually realized what it was, my hand was smacking against my forehead as I sighed. When I pulled my hand away it was clear that everyone had turned to me, looking either confused or skeptical.

“What’s the matter?” Cronus’ obnoxious voice was once again stinging my eardrum with irritation. “Never tried this before?”

“Can’t say I have.” I muttered back which made a few chuckle and my tolerance for this situation shrink that much more.

“Well it’s not like it’s fuckin’ cocaine. A little weed never hurt nobody.”

I let out a deep sigh, tucking my already shaking hand under one of my legs and shrugging.

Once, what one of the girls referred to as a ‘bubbler’, finally got around the circle to me and was placed in my somehow open hands, I had no idea what to do with it. Even with watching the other I just sat there and looked down at it. After a few seconds of silence, the annoying girl to my right snickered and took hold of it. “Here honey, let me.” She said with a noticeable amount of teasing but also a bit of sincerity. She held it up, tapping the top until I put my mouth on it. I knew that much, but as soon as I started inhaling she fiddled with it a bit and lit the lighter under another part. There was soon smoke coming up that went straight into my mouth. I thought I could at least handle that much since it wasn’t as if I had never had smoke in my throat or lungs before, but it seemed bitter compared to that of a cigarette and the dryness made me sputter a bit. I pulled back, coughing it out which only made her start that mockery of snickering again. “Try again sweetie.” She said, and of course I did. I put my mouth right back in place and repeated it all over again. It was almost stupid how determined I was not to make a fool of myself. This time I held it in longer, doing my best in inhale long and keep it down. When I exhaled with only a tiny bit of a cough, there was a small clap from my other side.

“Good job little Davey.” Amy said condescendingly, as she took the contraption from my hands.

“Yeah, fuck you.” I spat, sitting back with the very far off feeling of a lightness rising up from my lungs.

It only took a couple more rounds of passing to get all of us completely high and all but a few in laughing piles on the floor. At one point, annoying girl next to me had fallen onto my shoulder where I promptly shoved her off and into the floor. That only made her laugh more before she got up and crawled to the other side of the circle and latch herself onto Meenah who seemed to be handling this very well. It was almost like she wasn’t even affected at all. Looking to my left, I noticed both Amy and Tyler were gone, but I had no idea where they went. Everyone around me seemed to be giggling quietly to themselves, but I was just sitting there unsure what exactly was going one. It was an extended stream of consciousness where I was aware but at the same time felt like I wasn’t. I tried my best to stand up at one point, but when I walked it was like I couldn’t even feel my own legs. I knew I was moving, but I couldn’t feel anything, so I sat down on the couch and kept looking around at everyone else. An inconceivable amount of time passed before Cronus plopped himself beside me and tossed a box of cigarettes in my lap.

He mumbled a quiet “Light up doll” before tossing me the lighter as well and propping his feet up on the coffee table as he blew smoke into the growing foggy air. I glanced from his feet to his face and then down to the box. With a small shrug, I lit my own and let it hang between my lips.

It was probably an hour later; about half a pack down and my throat practically burning at this point. The laughs had faded now, Cronus had disappeared, and people were sitting everywhere but weren't doing anything in particular. Amy had been hung over the side of the couch beside me, but she slunk into the floor and crawled off a while ago. Or what I thought was a while ago. I had no idea what time it was or how long I'd been sitting on the couch. The basement was filled with smoke now; it looked like someone had set off a fog machine. My eyes moved slowly, trying to see through the haze as I continuously licked my lips to keep tasting the vague traces of cigarettes and weed. There was a sinking in the couch that made me turn my head. Blurred vision focused on the face. Tyler sat down beside me, leaning his head back and blowing a mouthful of smoke up to only add to the clouded air that surrounded us. His tongue ran over his teeth as he dropped the burned down butt into an almost empty bottle of soda on the end table to his left. It was engrossing me to watch him languidly move when he settled back and turned his head toward me. He cracked a half smile, brushing a hand through his hair before it fell and landed on my leg. Eyes trailed down to it before I followed the arm back up to his face. It seemed cuter now; it wasn't as reserved and shy as before. He scooted to my side, moving his hand up and down my thigh. My first thoughts about this guy were completely wrong. Either he was in fact a completely homo or he just really enjoyed stroking my leg like that. His smile stayed oddly genuine even as he moved his face close enough where I could feel the stained breath on my nose and mouth. It wasn't a smirk like mine or a full out grin, it was just a little quirk of the lips that suddenly made me want to know what they would feel like and mine. I didn't have to wonder very long because soon enough he had fulfilled my want.

It was weird at first, considering I had never had anyone kiss me before. Other than the time I had kissed John, I had never known what this was supposed to feel like- even then I didn't know because it was like kissing a wall. This time it was so different, having lips move against mine as they broke away and came right back. In any other state I probably would have questioned this more, worried more, but right now I couldn't. It wasn't like I was drunk and had no idea what was happening, I was perfectly conscious of what I was doing, but as that hand trailed up my leg and torso to the bend of my neck then into my hair, I couldn't care to stop it. My fingers twitched again the couch; I felt like I couldn't move my arms. They were like rocks, but eventually I managed to pick one up and touch his side. An actual chuckle trickled from his mouth into mine before he pulled away to lick his lips and somehow retain that damn smile. My breath was a little heavier, but I swallowed hard and put my hand on his cheek. He merely smiled that much more and let out another chuckle.

"It’s weird." He said quietly as he titled his head into my hand.

"What is?" I breathed back, expression going confused.

"Amy tried to convince me you were an ass." He moved back in for another kiss, but with the subtle movement of my hand back to his hip, he seemed to gain the motivation to swing a leg over and land with his knees in the back of the couch and him sitting in my lap.

“I am an ass.” I mumbled once he moved away again.

“Doesn’t really seem like the bad kind of the ass.” He sat up a bit with a confident expression. “There are two kinds you know- there’s the good and the bad. You can be an ass without being a dick.”

“So I’m the good kind.”

“More or less.” He hummed quietly, arms wrapping around my neck and pulled me off the couch a bit. Our faces were so close I could smell the smoke on his breath mixing with mine. It was all a big mess really- but damn this is what I needed. Or at least what I thought I needed for the moment. It slowly became less and less enjoyable.

At first when his hands were in my hair and there was a foreign tongue in my mouth it wasn’t that bad. For the first bit I was actually feeling good about everything, but it soon went downhill. His mouth tasted like smoke which tasted fine on my own breath, this way though, this way it made me cringe. For my first experience with kissing anyone like this, it was too much. It was too hard too fast. He pushed more weight against my chest which made me tense. My trapped feeling was coming back. I felt more anxious than usual, hands tightening around fistfuls of his shirt. He apparently thought that was a sign to keep going when my mind was actually shouting the opposite. He was holding me to the couch, making my lips hurt and my skin burn with a hand finding its way under my shirt. My breathing hitched a bit as I tried to move away but the only place I could go was deeper in the couch which he gladly pushed me down into. I was suddenly feeling suffocated, the cushion all around me and the smothering weight of his body holding me too close. I tried to pull my head away, to somehow stop him, but I had nowhere to go. I could feel my hands shaking even as they held on to his shirt, eyes pinched shut, and my toes curled tight in my shoes.

I thought I’d be subjected to sitting here and taking this until it was over, but there was suddenly a gasp of air entering my mouth as his mouth was practically ripped from mine. His arms left my neck, the whole weight of his body tumbling to the floor, and his back smacking against the coffee table. My eyes opened, breaths heaving. Amy was standing in front of me, her hand on Tyler’s collar as he wiped his mouth and stared back at me. Her face was angry, pure hatred almost. Her eyes were still red, but she obviously had enough brain capacity to still be furious right now. It was true, I did know she liked him- everyone did, but it wasn’t my fault he obviously liked guys and not her. Even if she started yelling at me, I didn’t hear what she said. I was just silently glad she took him away from me. I needed time to breathe and collect myself again. When she stopped yelling, she pulled him to his feet and tried to drag him away, but he shoved her hand away. They both started fighting now, but all the words were blurred. It was like cotton was shoved in my ears so I couldn’t hear anything. My vision faded between blurry and clear, these damn sunglasses not making it any easier to see through the smoke.

Once he finally said something that made her angry enough to deliver a weak punch to his chest and walk off, he looked back at me, cracking a half smile that seemed far too apologetic for the situation. He sat down beside me, hand going to my thigh again.

“Sorry about that.” He said- god his voice sounded bad when he tried to make it low. It was probably some feeble attempt at further allurement, but I was done with that at this point.

“It’s fine.” I muttered in return as my fingers went under my shades to rub my eyes.

His hand slid back up, going over my stomach and chest before returning to my face and moving it to the side by my cheek. He gave me that little quirk of a smile before pulling me to meet him halfway in a softer kiss. If it was like that, it wouldn’t have been that bad. I can still breathe like this. It feels nice and there’s nothing holding me down. I can barely taste him despite what’s on his lips which is better than having him practically choking me with his tongue. If it stayed like this I’d be fine, but he quickly wanted to get back to the same place; kissing me rougher and moving closer until he was too invasive.

I quickly pushed him back with a hand on his chest. I took a deep breath, feigning a small smirk and pulling out my phone. “I- oh it’s late-“ Like that actually mattered. “I should- I need to go.”

His hand fell from my cheek and his face scrunched a bit. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, my bro will be mad if I don’t get home soon. I’m just going to go call my ride.”

“Eh- alright. I guess I’ll see you around then.”

I stood waving behind me as I left. “Yeah- bye.”

I made it to the stairs before anyone actually acknowledged me, but Cronus was sitting there, blocking my path. He stood, holding onto the rail before tottering on down and grinning at me.

“Where y’goin kitten?”

“I’ve got to head home.”

He snickered, patting my cheek and stepping to the side. “Hope you had fun tonight.”

“For the most part.” I replied more to myself as I made my way up the stairs. It was only a partial lie really.

When I made it out onto the front porch, I sat down on the steps and pulled my phone back out of my pocket. The ringing stopped after a few times which drew out a relieved sigh.

“Hey- do you think you could come pick me up?”

“Do you realize what time it is?” Rose’s voice was annoyed and groggy from sleep, but I was still thankful she actually picked up.

I sighed deeply, perching myself on the steps. "Can you just take the car and come get me?"

"Again I repeat- do you know what time it is?"

"No- not really, but-"

"It's two-thirty in the morning. Now brother, I love you and all, but I'd prefer to sleep instead of coming to get you from wherever you are."

I dropped the irritated tone to put out a more defeated one as I took a deep breath.

"C'mon Rose. Please."

There was a long pause before a rustling sound.

"Fine. You owe me- and you better explain what’s going on when I get there."

"I know."

"Where are you?"

It took a moment to get the gps on my phone to work-thank Jesus for technology- but once it did, I read her back the address and she promised to be there in about twenty minutes.

I set my phone down beside me, hands going into my hair and holding on tightly until just holding my head. The high was wearing off now, all my senses slowly returning to normal for the most part. My throat was still burning but at least I wasn't inhaling smoke every time I breathed.

I still couldn't wrap my mind around exactly what had happened. I didn't know that guy and yet it was so easy just to not care anymore. I told myself I was done with caring a whole ago- and look where that got me. My life was going to suck if I started panicking every time someone kissed me. I was trying to tell myself it was just how forceful it was, but at the same time there was a part of me that just didn't feel right about it. It was a time like this where that part of me started to think about John.

* * *

 

I had never really thought I'd see that Tyler kid again, but I'll be dammed if I didn't find him sitting on my couch about 9 months later.

Within those nine months, I had had my first relationship of sorts. It was short and relatively meaningless. Some guy I didn't care about remembering now- someone who I had met in the middle if summer and saw for the final time at the end of it. I had never really seen myself as the relationship type, but I was soon being flirted with by a guy who came to the parties I attended on rare occasions. I had gotten drunk a few times, it wasn't very pleasant. You'd think it was a good idea until you woke up having to puke and feeling like someone was trying to bash your head in with a hammer.  Bro had figured things out after a while. It was hard to hide the smell from him and also explain where I was most of the nights. He had given me shit for it the first few times, but since defying his authority was my specialty, he stopped trying. Instead he just ignored me most of the time. I didn't quite understand if he thought that was going to help, but it really gave me all the more reason to leave. He couldn't exactly bitch about it when he did the same things with Jake right under his parents' noses when they were younger.

Nine months after that disastrous night in my memory, Bro was out and I had that couple if friends over. I hadn't given them permission to invite others, but I wasn't going to say no to someone already at my apartment. So, when I opened the door at its knocking to find a slightly taller, but no taller than me, familiar face at my door, all I could do was step aside. He smiled that same damn smile he had almost a year ago, but his hair was shorter now; bangs gone completely and all the hair on the top of his head pushed to one side.

"Hello again." He said, tone full of a confidence that made me want to grimace.

He carried himself like a pretentious ass now. He was obviously no longer the shy kid I had met, but in the short time since I'd seen him last; he had grown into a full-fledged pompous dick- and not the good kind. I shut the door and followed him to the couch were he went ahead and let himself sit and prop his feet up on the coffee table.

It didn't take me long for my opinion of him to continue dropping. Something had happened; I didn't know what, but he was intolerable now. My patience was wearing very thin. From the way he talked and when I could only guess he was making these unbelievable stories up to how he had no respect to person space or someone's opinions, I was about ready to pound him into the ground by the time people started to leave. Everyone was filing out as I started to pick up trash and walk over to the sink to wash out some glasses. The door clicked shut just about the time I couldn't hold the deep sigh in my throat anymore. I hunched down a bit, gripping at the sink and shaking my head. Maybe I was not capable of handling people. I suddenly felt very-

"You look tense."

I jumped a bit, but not so much to give anymore that a small flinch.

"Jesus Christ." I muttered, standing up fully and turning around- oh look there he fucking was. Still in my apartment. Why? Who the hell knows. "Why are you still here?"

He merely shrugged and leaned back against the counter. Apparently he didn't know why either. I turned back to the dishes, cleaning a few more before he came up beside me.

"What's up with you?" He poked me in the shoulder a few times before huffing. "You're all silent and 'I'm going to kill you with my eyes' angry now."

"And you're any better?"

That comment was more supposed to stay it my head, but it only made him laugh loudly and wave a hand.

"Oh whatever- I guess time hasn't treated you very well. Too bad you can't go back in it and change things."

"Maybe."

"What would you change, hmm?"

I shoved a dish into the drainer, wiping my hands before turning to face him with on hand still gripping the lip of the sink.

"Probably meeting you."

Sliding past him, he sucked in air through his teeth and cringed.

"Ouch, good one."

I walked around the counter before turning on my heels and curling my hands into fists.

"Really- why are you here?"

He only smiled at my irritated tone, slinking his way over to continue poking at my shoulders solely because he knew it would bother me.

"Are you not happy to see me?"

"Frankly, no."

He put on this fake frown, arms dropping to his sides. "Why not?"

"You're obnoxious-"

"Rude."

"A pain in my ass-"

"Still rude."

"And honestly I'm ready to kick your ass right out the fucking door."

"Damn, very rude. Do you treat all your guests like this?"

My teeth gritted together as I tried to force a deep breath out my nose.

"You're not a guest. You just showed up."

"I was invited."

"Not by me."

"Does it really matter who did the inviting? I'm here and everyone's night was enhanced by it, were they not?"

"They were not."

His face tightened a bit, brows furrowing down as he waved a finger.

"There we go again with that anger."

I reached up to take hold of his finger and bend it back.

"Get you ass outta here before I really do kick it out."

The rest of his fingers wrapped around my wrist, tugging my arm forward so he could yank my face closer.

"Do we really want that now?"

Before I could stop him, he had an arm around my neck and his lips on mine. My hand was moving, trying to get out of his hold, but after a while it stilled. He merely chuckled when my body stopped tensing up and I sighed into his mouth.

Don't get me wrong, I really did feel hatred toward this guy, but at the same time I couldn't help myself. It had been a while since I had been kissed like that. He pulled back with a solid smirk, running his hands up and down my chest and snickering to himself.

"You really are an asshole."

I muttered, but we both knew I wasn't trying to fight it. His hands took hold of my shirt, pulling me back and staring right at me.

"You love it."

"I hate it."

He only spent a bit more of his time kissing me, before I somehow found myself without a shirt and a hand pushing me backwards. He muttered something about a bedroom in my ringing ear, so I led him back into it before shutting the door and beginning the many stages of regret about that one night.

I marked out another first that night- one that I would regret for a while. Here it comes kids, the big one- that was the first night I ever did _it_. The it. The dance with no pants- the naughty- the nasty- the wild thing- the funky chicken- the bad boogey- whatever you call it, it was done.

It was done but it was painful as hell. Besides once getting sliced in the shoulder with a sword, it was one of the most painful and awkward experiences of my life. It didn’t help that the entire time I hated the person looming over me with that infuriating condescending smile and that know it all attitude. As soon as it was over and I was actually thinking about what just happened, it made me crawl onto my side and face the wall the rest of the night. I didn’t make him leave, but there wasn’t one time that he tried to move closer and I didn’t simply kick him away. I didn’t sleep much at all. Even when I knew from the sound of his breathing he had, I stayed wide awake, staring at the wall and silently hating myself.

It wasn’t any better in morning with about three and a half hours of horrible sleep on top of it. When I woke up, he was still lying there passed out. The reality hit me once again; stabbing me through the chest and making me want to throw up form disgust in myself. I mingled my way out of the covers, sliding down the bed and retrieving enough clothing to cover me fully. Huddled down into a sweat shirt, I drug myself with a considerable amount of pain lingering around from the stupid mistake that was last night. It was only worse when I found the constant inhabitants of my kitchen making breakfast. I needed to start keeping a tally of the times I woke up to find these two- he just needed to move the fuck in already. They were practically living here all the time anyway. Both Bro and Jake said hello and a form of good morning, but I easily ignored both. Pouring myself some coffee, I slunk back to the table and slumped down into a chair. There was suddenly a pop to my back just about the time I heard my bedroom door open again.

“What’s the matter kiddo- you look like a horse took a shit on you.”

As soon as he asked me that, a quiet and questioning “oh” followed it as a yawning boy emerged from the hallway. My eyes flicked up, but they immediately landed right back into the brown ocean in my mug.

“You must be the brother.” He said, but the hand on my hand gave me another pop before being put in his pocket.

“And you are?” He repeated. I couldn’t tell from his tone how he was reacting- it was just as flat and monotone as ever.

“He’s leaving.” I answered for him only to be met with a chorus of “what” from the two of them. I looked back up at him, flicking my head towards the door. “Leave.”

His face contorted a bit. “Leave?”

“Get your shit and go. I didn’t like you yesterday, I don’t like you now. Go-”

“But-”

“I think it’s your time to skedaddle on now.” Bro interjected, as he stepped away from my chair.

He waved him back, already turning around. “Alright, alright.”

Within five minutes, he was gone and the apartment was silent. I knew both of them were staring at me, but I just kept my eyes focused on the table and the mug to my mouth.

“Dave-” He started up, but I just winced away from his voice and shook my head.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

He walked around the table, sitting across from. “Jake, can you take the trash out?”

He fumbled around a bit, sputtering out an “oh sure” as he bundled up the trash and hurried out the door.

“So who was that?” I stayed completely silent, looking off to the side until he started calling my name and knocked a hand against mine. “Hey kid- this isn’t a time you can choose not to say anything. This is still my house.” I looked back at him with a long sigh to which he sat back and nodded. “Alright, now who was that?”

“I don’t even fucking know.” I buried my face in my hand and starting shaking my head. “I’ve only met him twice.”

He gave a sigh to match mine, rubbing his forehead. “Jesus- you know I’m not the one for romantics, but don’t you think that’s a bit crass?”

“It’s not like I planned for it to happen.”

He stopped talking but still continued to stare at me. “What happened? Where went the kid I knew a year ago?”

That made me grimace. My face was trying to fight the urge to from and I sunk down in my chair and continued to shake my head. “I don’t know.”

I really just didn’t know anymore.

I was lost in my own life and I was drowning fast.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Less than a month. I did good this time ahaha. Enjoy

It was the end of summer sooner than I had wanted it. I hadn’t done much over the summer, but it was better than sitting bored in a classroom and having to watch what I did and said. I would have much rather stayed in my bedroom all day than actually having to leave and be gone for eight hours and return only to go right back in there. My room had become my new haven; I didn’t spend very much time with those friends over the summer. The more I looked subjectively at the situations they always put me in, the more I disliked being with them. I had grown to hate the state of constant anxiousness that happened if I ever tried to smoke weed and the feeling of an unbearable headache or the wrenching sickness that came after drinking. I still smoked regular ole cigarettes, to Bro’s displeasure, but I rearranged my bedroom a bit so I could set a chair up against the window. I would open it then, sitting sideways and holding my arm out so my room wouldn’t fill with the smell but I also wouldn’t have to go to the roof just to do it.

Much of my summer was either just me or me and Rose. I even spent a few days with Harley every now and then, but mostly I wandered around by myself. I had never really been the one for a lot of friends; there was too much room for error. You could be liked and stabbed in the back at the same time. I opted out of the whole social group aspect of it all and traded that in for the assurance that I and only I knew what I was up to. It made me laugh that Bro occasionally asked me if I was okay because I seemed to have secluded myself, but what a hypocritical question that was. He wasn't any different when he was younger. I accredited it to the guardian instinct he had over me, but I assured him I was just as fine as an anti-social teen should be. Maybe I'd look back on my adolescence when I get older and think that I should have lived it differently, been more outgoing and pleasant, but for now I couldn't care less. Right now what I cared about was living my last few days of summer in peace and most definitely in quiet.

Apparently that wasn't allowed.

It didn't surprise me too much when Jake had opened my door and was grinning at me like he always did, but it did surprise me when he started tossing shoes at me and waving a hand in my face. I pulled off my head phones, staring blankly back at his awkward grin.

"Come on, put these on and get ready."

I sat up and swung my legs over the side of my bed. "For what?"

"We're going out."

"And why's that?"

"Well," he turned around and planted his hands on his waist. "I just don't think we spend enough time together."

I cocked a brow up, popped my shoes on, stood, and walked over to him. He was only an inch or two taller than me- it obviously got to him now because he deflated whenever I stood up tall right in front of him. His confidence backed down a bit as he sighed.

"Your brother has a surprise, but you have to get out of the house."

My brows only hiked up that much more, but I was satisfied my technique of drawing information out of him always worked. "Surprise?"

"I'm not telling you anymore." He protested with his hands up as he backed away. He opened the door back and pointed at me before popping a thumb over his shoulder. "You get dressed and meet me at the door."

One hour later I had been dragged out if the apartment and onto the streets. I'm not sure why we couldn't drive since it was about as hot as dicks out in the sun, but Jake pretended not to hear me when I asked if we could take his car. Instead he just started humming and turned the corner to go down the street. Now we were ducking in to each store we passed, I followed behind him only to amuse his pointless wandering.

"What kind of surprise is this?" I asked as he bumbled along, smelling each and every candle in the small store.

"I promised Dirk I wouldn't even tell you it was a surprise." He turned to me, grinning slightly. "He's the one that told me to call it bonding time."

"What does he know about bonding?"

"Exactly why I didn't call it that- smell this."

He shoved an overly scented, fruity candle that owned the label "Mango Breeze" but wasn't anything less than death in a glass jar. My nose burnt from just the one smell, my hand pushing it away.

He seemed puzzled at my reaction, giving a shrug and a small "hmm" noise before returning it to the shelf.

"Think I should buy one of these?"

"So why do I have to be away? Why couldn't he just show me the surprise this morning?"

"I'm not answering anything more about it. You'll just have to wait until this afternoon."

"What time?"

He was thinking about something, but soon enough was pulling a sand scented candle off the shelf and holding it in his arm. "Around three, now that's it- that's all I'm giving you on the subject."

I followed him up to the register, leaning on it as he went to pay for the candle.

"Will I like it?"

He took the bag in hand, turning his head to stare at me briefly. "I hope so. Otherwise- no." He shook his head, turning to walk out.

"Otherwise what?"

"It's nothing. Forget I went that far. Trust me," He nodded. "You'll like it."

Once we were back out on the street, he tried to idly make conversation, but my short responses seemed to quiet him down. When talk died to a silence, I popped a cigarette in my mouth only to gain a groan in response.

"I really wish you'd stop that awful habit."

And just for that, I turned my head to blow the smoke directly in his face. He sputtered a bit, arm flailing in the air.

"Was that necessary?"

"It was."

"Honestly though, that's awful for your health."

"You should say that to the person I got them from."

His face tightened a bit, slow nods coming afterwards. "Yes, but you know he doesn't do it all the time. And I hardly think those are his."

I chuckled through another exhale of smoke. "Both are true statements, but he enabled it to start what two, three years ago?"

"It wasn't that bad then."

"Neither was my life."

He fell quiet, scuffing his feet across the concrete before offering that sympathetic but completely hallow, "Dave-"

"Let's save that talk for when you buy me dinner." I added in a wink that he couldn't see mainly for my enjoyment in the teasing.

I began to take another drag, but he wasn't having that. With my lungs half filled, he took a loose hold of my wrist.

"You could at least do me the favor of waiting until you're home to do it."

I sighed, a small bit of smoke escaping with it as I flicked it to the ground and put it out entirely with the step and turn of my foot on top of it. We walked a bit more, but I could tell from his rigid stance and the stiff way of his walk that he still wasn't done with that conversation. Eventually he spoke up, arm coming up to hold the back of his neck and also to partially block any chance at making eye contact.

"But really- why did you start? I mean, it really is bad for you."

"I assume Bro tells you everything that happens to me- that he knows about at least."

"Well, he told me about what happened with your pet, but I guessed it was more than that."

I didn't reply for the gauged amount of time with triggered him to continue.

"It is, isn't it?"

I offered a halfhearted shrug.

"What happened?"

"What didn't happen? Honestly, it'd been a long time coming. You know better than most people our lives have been shit since we were born."

"You seemed fine up until high school. Even as a first year you weren't that bad."

"Just stuff, alright? I don't really want to talk about this with you."

"You don't want to talk to anyone."

"And your point is?"

He sighed, quick and irritated. "That's not good."

My hands gripped the insides of my pockets as I tried my best the give another shrug. "Maybe I don't want anyone to listen."

He glanced at me, eyes narrowed and mouth pulled tight. I knew this outing would eventually turn to lectures and this kind if bullshit, but I was hoping he would have lasted a bit longer without it.

"How can you stand that?"

I responded with a mindless "what" in hopes that playing dead would make him stop.

It didn't.

"I'm being serious here kiddo-"

"I'm seventeen, I'm not a kiddo."

"You're younger than me, you're a kiddo and-" He huffed a bit. "And stop distracting me. I actually asking you how you can deal without having one person to confide in?"

"It's easier just to trust yourself. No one knows if you don't tell anyone."

"And that's how people have mental breakdowns."

"Better than betrayal and gossip don't you think?" He stayed silent, staring intently at the ground. "Exactly."

"You can talk to me. How could I possibly do that?"

"There's nothing you don't tell Bro."

"And you don't want him to know?"

"If I wanted him to know I'd just talk to him, wouldn't I?"

He flinched away at the slight bite in the words, giving a subtle chuckle to brush it off.

"I guess so-" One chuckle caught half way in throat and made it him clear it with an uncomfortable cough. "I just wanted you to know that you can always talk to me."

"There's a point where talking does nothing."

"There's also a point where feeling sorry for yourself starts to become useless and irritating."

"I'm fully aware of that."

It seems his patience had snapped with that one comment. From there, it fell silent. We continued to walk with no purpose behind it, but he fought with himself not to say another word. I knew he wanted to, but I also knew he was right. That was another reason I stayed in my room at all the time. I knew I was making everyone sick of me because how pathetically self-pitying I had become. What better way to not annoy them than by avoiding them? Avoiding them for about two years. It's easier I swear.

* * *

 

We walked for a solid twenty minutes in complete silence until he stopped with the growl of his stomach. I stopped beside him only for him to inform me that he was hungry and promptly turn into the small sandwich shop that was a few meters down the sidewalk.

Once inside, he had assured me that whatever turkey thing I just ordered was good. But really, all of this was his ploy to get me somewhere I couldn't leave. As soon as our food came, he was back to striking up-in one of the most awkward ways possible- conversation I really didn't want to discuss.

He had just swallowed a mouthful of fries when he opened it and began.

"So."

I looked up from my sandwich, which was rather good, to hike up a brow.

"So?"

"You had a fella not too long ago, didn't you? Haven't seen him around in a while."

My eyes went right back down, shoulders shrugging. "Y'know, just didn't work out."

"Oh- so that's over?"

"Yeah." I took another bite and swallowed. "What never was a thing- is over."

"It wasn't a thing?"

"If it was, I didn't know about it."

He made a small 'hmph' sound, moving his head back with it. "I fed him breakfast a few mornings." He glanced up at me most likely quick enough to see me push away the surprised expression I had. "Didn't know that, did you?" Yeah, he caught it.

"Can't say that I did."

"He was nice boy. More chipper than that other one you had hidden from us for a while." He paused, tapping his fork against his lips before pointing it at me. "Or was the one before that the gloomy one?"

"You make it seem like there's a lot."

"Well, it's been more than a handful."

"Sorry that I haven't dated someone for half my life."

It was a tad bitter, I'll admit that, but he didn't seem to get that offended.

"All I'm saying is that it could probably do you some good to actually try and keep one of those fellas around for a while."

All I could do was give yet another shrug. I didn't really want to keep them around. Unlike him, people seemed to get on my nerves quicker than they probably should. It was easier to just trade them out then try and tolerate them.

"So what happened this time?"

With a quick "huh" I raised my head out of thought.

"What'd he do to make you stop speaking?”

“Nothing.”

“Oh, right. They never _do_ anything.” He sat back and looked down at me. “You just get tired of them?”

I hunched down a bit, my hand fiddling with the pile of chips on my plate. “I don’t want what they want.”

“Right, because most people think that after being- well I’ll put it as being intimate-”

I cringed away from the sound of that word. “Please don’t put it that way.”

“Yeah yeah, pish posh, you know what I mean- after sometime most people begin to expect something to come from it.”

“They shouldn’t expect it from me, and that’s why they leave. I don’t want that shit so they’re better off gone.”

“But that’s what I’m saying.” He pointed that fork at me again. “It could do you some good. A handsome kid like you has a lot of chances- you’ve obviously had some, so why not find one you like and try it out?”

“It’s just not my thing.” I cleared my throat of any anger that was bubbling up and pushed my plate back.

“You’re not caught up on someone are you?”

I scoffed that one away and shook my head. “No.” I was a man of partial lies. “I’m done here, can we leave?”

“Leaving isn’t going to make me drop this.”

“Well it should. I’m getting tired of you playing the motherly role.”

He sighed deeply, grabbing the ticket and standing. “You know your brother and I are as close to parents as you’re ever going to get. It’s not fair, but that’s the way it is.”

He walked over to the register in the front to pay as I slipped out the door and started walking again. Disappointingly, he caught up soon enough, stopping his short jog with a puff of a breath.

“You can’t go running off now, come on, we’ve only got a little less than an hour left till we can head back. Let’s just try and enjoy it, alright?”

“I think we’re far past the point of enjoyment, don’t you? Interrogation about my personal life usually isn’t my favorite activity.”

He nudged my arm with his elbow once we were a little bit more down the street. He had stopped, grinning at me then turning it to the little ice cream shop that sat in the long line of buildings. People were sitting out under the awnings at little tables with their bowls and cones. It was just one more way to get out of the ninety degree weather. The incredulous look I have made him huff quietly as he rolled his eyes.

"Well I want some whether you do or not. Now would you rather sit there and watch me eat or enjoy some along with me?"

I didn't have the chance to even say anything before he was holding the door open and ushering me in. To appease him I got a bowl to avoid the dripping hassle that I knew he would have to deal with once he got one too many scoops smashed onto a too small cone. He got some disgusting pink and blue swirly mess that apparently was supposed to taste like birthday cake while I just got some shitty vanilla which made the girl behind the counter make an unneeded sarcastic remark on how adventurous I was. She smiled a bit after it, but it really just added to the many reasons of why I never left my room. I turned the corner of my mouth up a bit with a nod to not come off as a complete asshole but neglected to say anything other than a quiet thank you. Jake insisted on paying despite the bit of money I had from my newly acquired job at a grocery store. It was a glorious profession I tell you, I had thought on many occasions I could make it my life career. Stocking shelves gave me a real high that nothing else had managed to muster yet- it truly was the top of the top.

Even though I could have easily paid for my own, he waved me outside and I could do nothing but comply.

I sat at a small table, mindlessly eating while watching the others around me until he joined me with a plop into the other chair. He was licking happily at the purple goop running everywhere. He got it mostly under control before smiling.

"I could've paid for it." I said, swirling the clump of ice cream still in my bowl. I really didn't like people paying for me, but he apparently wouldn't take heed to that.

"You need to act like a kid more." I opened my mouth, but he kept going. "I know Dirk taught you not to- like there's some reason you had to be an adult when he did, but I don't think that was very smart of him." My mouth shut back which he seemed to notice with a slight grin. "Exactly. You think the same. Tell me, do you think he's a tad too harsh?"

I shrugged passively. "I do a lot of dumb shit."

"As of recently yes, but a few years ago you were a down right good kid and yet he always seemed to treat you like you had to be as tough as he was. But he didn't seem to understand that he had eleven years more of having to act like an adult than you did." He leaned in a bit more as if what he was about to tell me was a secret. "Can you believe he's almost thirty? Since when have I been dating such an old man?"

I let out a chuckle and lifted my brows. "Sorry to break it to you, but you _are_ thirty."

He leaned back and let out a loud huff. "I'm fully aware, thank you. But sheesh, I deserve someone who's still a little hotsy-totsy yougin. Think I should dump him?"

"I think he'd die."

He grinned a bit. "You're probably right. He's a lot bigger of a pansy than he makes himself out to be."

"Aren't we all- pardon, I mean everyone but you of course."

He let out another laugh, nodding in agreement. "Of course." His chuckles died back into a grin as he just sat and stared at me. "Now where has this person been?"

Immediately any good mood that I may have accumulated was crushed by a mere six words.

"Dunno. I've wondered the same thing."

"I don't think I've actually got a crack out of you like that in ages. You've been sulking for months."

Most of my ice cream was melted at this point, but I continued to swirl it around and lick some off the spoon.

"School got harder; I got new friends, things just- changed."

"You could've avoided all that crap, you know?"

I nodded, the truth drawing a sigh out.

"But I didn't. So now I'm different."

"I guess you could say that." He muttered in response.

"Don't let it bother you too much. I'll turn out fine. Lot'a shit happened to Bro and he's still fine, ain't he?"

"In most ways, but-" He was prepared to derail the conversation further, but his phone buzzed and he stopped mid-sentence to look down at it. "You know what..." He answered the message quickly before looking back up and smiling. "I would enjoy finishing this conversation later, but right now we should head back home."

He stood at that, grabbing my bowl and taking it to the trash along with his cone without even asking. He was already starting down the street when I hurried from my chair and followed.

"I guess my surprise is ready?"

"Apparently so." His eyes flicked over. "You aren't excited are you?"

"I wouldn't say excited is the right word, but I'm not going to turn down a surprise."

* * *

 

We made it home in about thirty minutes, taking the few short cuts we neglected on the way there. He seemed to grin wider and wider the closer we got to the apartment door. He stopped in front of it, grasping the handle but turning around. He pulled out his phone, making a quick text and waiting for the reply before pocketing it again.

"So, you ready?"

"I've been ready all day, but you decided to drag me around town and waste time for something I still don't know whether I'll like or not."

He kicked out his foot in an attempt to hit my shin, but I managed to lift my leg and avoid it all together.

"No negativity. This is supposed to be a happy moment. Be happy dammit."

"Alright, alright, I'm trying."

"Good." He said half convinced before opening the door and backing in.

I walked in after him, tossing my wallet onto the counter. I looked around, nothing seemed different. No big boxes, explosions of confetti, or anything of the sort. It turned a bit to find Bro staring at me. He was leaning up against the back of the couch, smirking a bit as he watched me. Jake was behind me, still standing in front of the door.

"Alright," I looked between the two of them. "So where's this surprise I've been hearing about?"

With that, Bro pushed off the back of the couch and stepped to the side. There was a person facing the other way, just a head and shoulders to me. When their shoulder was tapped, they stood and turned around.

My heart sunk. Immediately all breath was ripped from my lungs and left them to hold in the very small amount still there. My palms suddenly felt cold and sweaty. My eyes went wide, and my jaw went lax. I was met with a wide set grin and the brightness of those eyes I had missed for too long.

The only thing I could muster out of my mouth was a quiet, almost inaudible "holy shit". It was met with a small chuckle that was like another shot through my brain of bittersweet nostalgia.

He gave a small wave, trying to hold back as much excitement as he could.

"Hey Dave."

I finally sucked enough air back into burning lungs and calmed the heart beat in my throat some so I could push out a few more whispered and breathless words before feeling the need to collapse.

"Hey John."


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I've said this yet, or at least in a while, but thank you all so much for the lovely comments and support! It really encourages me to keep this up =)

There was a time when I had thought I had fallen in love. Cliché, head over heels, stereotypically teenage and laughably in love. There was a time when one look at big blue eyes and a gaping grin could knock the air from my lungs and turn me into nothing more than a pile of excitable sadness. There was a time when I thought I'd get in trouble for staring too long, hoping too much, and wishing too hard; staring at someone I knew I shouldn't be watching with such a longing, hoping for some worthless dream of reciprocation, wishing to have my feelings be heard and no longer stifled by reason and rationality while they were screaming from inside.

There was a time when I was different.

I was naive in my own sense. I was anxious, nervous, scared, but I made myself look strong, collected, brave. I had been forced to grow up too fast. I had been made into a rigid shell of a broken and bruised child hiding behind paper thin walls of an adolescent. I wasn't placing blame, I knew that it was necessary, but a child shouldn't be given the weight of their life before they even know what multiplication is.

When I had come across this romanticized idea of love, I didn't think it was real. The things I felt, the things I thought, they were just a momentary slip of my guard. But what I didn't realize was the fact that he had been chipping away at me bit by bit until I was left ragged. I was naked of my cover and uncomfortably vulnerable within his gaze. I don't think I liked it that much. It always made me feel like I should have found it wrong- found the way my heart quickened a bit if he ever grabbed my wrist to pull me some where or when he would try and scare me by grabbing my shoulders undeniably wrong. And when I didn't, I believed it was just a way to make up for what I had been lacking. Denial was a way to make it easier. It was a remedy for the ache in my chest and the shallowness of my breath when I felt empty and alone. It was my cure for the shattering of my being when he left. Utter denial and resentment was the only way I could cope. But it became easier. With time and mistakes I had grown to forget him. Shut down my senses and disregard the wanting to have him back. Pull my eyes back down when I would look up and wonder what he was doing. I had grown harder, stronger, better.

I had finally gotten over him.

But now it had been two years almost to this date that I hadn't seen John face to face, over a year since I had last spoken to him, and far too long to give up the fight of forgetting him. I had forgotten how to move in those few seconds. Bro was grinning as he went into the kitchen and grabbed something from the fridge, Jake patted my back as he passed and whispered a quick "surprise". John came around the couch, almost awkwardly hooking a hand onto his neck. It seemed everyone could move except me.

"Surprised?" He chuckled out, grinning a bit more at my small nod in return.

I waved my hand at him, suddenly my lack of breath and the anxious shaking of my hands was getting to me and I was in dire need of a cigarette. He seemed confused for a moment, but when I opened the door and walked out, he didn't hesitate to follow.

We said nothing until we were on the roof. The hot air hit me, but I could finally breathe again. I took a deep breath, kicking at the loose rocks chipped from the warm concrete.

"Been a while, huh?"

He was right behind me now. I turned around to find that I still had to look down a bit. I pulled my hand up and I put it right above his head.

"A while and I'm still inches taller."

"Yeah, fuck you."

We both let out quiet laughs, a smile trying its best to creep its way out. I hadn't felt that upturn of my lips in quite some time. It was only another brief moment before he moved. His arms were around my back and he was pulling me close. I stood there, forgetting how to move again. It all felt so foreign. I had long forgotten how much I had once wanted to hug him every time I laid eyes on that pretty little smile. With a little coercing from my mind, I linked my arms around him and tucked my head down. I didn't even care at this point; I took a deep breath but held on much looser than I wanted to. My heart was back to doing that dumb flippy thing that made me nostalgic more than anything. It had been a while since someone had hugged me like that. I wasn't very romantic or affectionate with the people I had gone out with it. I never felt like I needed to be because the emotions I had never led me to. But here, on the blazing rooftop of my shitty apartment, with sweat already forming a gross layer on my forehead, and with way too much heat around me to be hugging anyone like this, we just stood for a moment and I tried my best to remember why I stopped talking to this doof for two years.

"Missed you bro."

I felt like that was an appropriate thing to say in this situation, and hopefully he wouldn't find it too awkward.

He pulled away, arms falling as he held this scrunched up expression. He opened his mouth, just thinking for a moment which made me a tad more anxious; my hands finding my pockets quickly.

"Your voice is lower."

"That's usually what happens when you get older- oh but I'm sorry," I put a hand on his shoulder, feigning as good a concerned glance as I could. "I guess you haven't gone through puberty yet have you?"

He knocked my hand away and huffed. "I seemed to have forgotten how much of an ass you are."

I cracked a smile and let out a quite laugh- God I had missed him.

He let out a far from unhappy sigh, turning his head before his entire body moved over to the edge of the almost chest-high wall. He leaned against it with his hands and took a deep breath.

"I've kind of missed this air. It sure is hot here, but I'd gotten used to it. It's a pleasant change."

Folding his arms, he leaned over it. I took my chance to fish around in my back pocket for the cigarette I'd lost the anxious need for but still wanted. I pulled it popping it in my mouth and walked over next to him with the quick flick of the lighter housed in the other pocket. I leaned over next to him, one arm bent against it and the other propped up by the elbow. Inhaling slowly, he only paid attention to what I was doing once I blew out a long stream of smoke that got caught by the slight breeze and drifted down towards him. His face shriveled before he glanced over to me and went wide-eyed for a split second.

"You smoke?"

I turned my head a bit, splitting into a light hint if a smirk. "You a detective? Does that make me Watson?"

"So that's a yes."

"By golly Mr. Holmes, I think you've cracked the case. Bravo good sir." My smirk flicked into a much wider one, as I faked as much of an accent as I could and then popped it right back in my mouth and took another deep breath of smoke.

"Since when?" He continued, leaning back from the ledge a bit in its avoidance.

"Started the summer before sophomore year and picked up more about Christmas."

"Why?"

With the severe want to _not_ talking to him about the shit during his absence, I merely shrugged and offered a half-hearted, "Why not?"

He paused for a moment, half looking back out on the wall and still taking half the time to indiscreetly  cut his eyes back over to me and just watch.

"I guess I can partially understand now what people mean when they say it makes you look cool but-” He got that shriveled face again. “Don’t think I’d like it.” He paused briefly before fully turning to me. “Anything else surprising happen while I was gone?"

I put the butt out on the concrete wall before flicking it over. Pushing away from the wall, I gave him a pat to the shoulder and started walking back to the door. "You have no idea."

"Well you're going to have to explain it all to me." He piped right back, following after me.

I stopped, pivoting on my heels and my hands going straight into my pockets. "And how exactly are you back? Old man get transferred yet again?"

He paused briefly, seeming to debate something. "No actually, I'm staying with Jane." He stopped again, face squirming a bit before he gave a tiny shake of his head. "I wanted to graduate with all you guys, and I had more fun freshman year than I had had in a while. Glad I'm back?"

"As much of a pain in the ass you were, yeah. I'm glad to have you back. The girls will be glad too." I turned back around and started to head down the stairs.

Turns out despite the 2 year difference, John was still the same dork I knew. He hadn't changed much at all which is something I couldn't exactly see someone saying about me. He still made stupid jokes and puns constantly, and then laughed hysterically at them. He still made undermining and obnoxious comments that made me simultaneously want to laugh and punch him. I hadn't prepared myself to ever see him again. Actually, I had done the complete opposite. I had trained myself to think I would never see him again. I cut contact and tried my best to shove him to the deepest crevice of my mind where hopefully he would never surface again. And yet, he was still there- grinning away at me. I couldn’t help but want to smile back despite my mind telling me not to get sucked right back in. But I guess what they say is true; happiness is contagious. That’s why I always found it interesting how we perceive each other’s emotions. A subtle change in inflection of the voice or the slightest dip of the eyebrows can mean the difference between feelings. We learn from a young age to decipher the thin line between happiness and sadness, joy and anger, humor and seriousness. Every time you would make an inappropriate comment for the situation or be so blunt as to point out the fact that a man's eyes look like a bugs or that a woman looked like a potato in that dress you would receive a harsh warning or a smack to the back of the head. We're taught social etiquette that frankly at the end of the day means jackshit. But we still follow the restrictions of social normality like its actual law- we still go by the made up rules that follow behind our bodies own reactions. The upward turn of the lips with happiness, the knitting together of the brows with confusion or anger, the dilating pupils with the sudden rush of attraction. Subconscious movements that are tell alls to our emotions.

Some people are free with these little hints, others tend to obsess over controlling them; keeping themselves in line of fenced off seclusion. Like John, those who let their face and their hands speak for their emotions  are the ones that interest me the most. Joy causing them to wave their arms in excitement and enthusiasm like their swatting at bees that are trying to make a hive in your hair, grins reigning over the upward movement of all their features. Anger forcing their hands into fists and their mouths to turn to a grimace or a tight frown. Though sadness is the most fascinating. The feeling that can take so many shapes; confusion, fear, loneliness, loss, insecurity, watching your ice cream fall straight off the fucking cone and spiral down to its certain death- all the little things compressed in one bodily change. The brows curving down, eyes twitching and narrowing as the cheeks push then close, shoulders hunching, arms moving to grasp onto anything solid, muscles tightening so much they tremble just to keep everything together, being on the brink of both tears and an emotional outlash, that's what I find most intriguing. But as I stared back at that unbelievably wide grin, I can't help but wonder just what his mind is thinking to make his face so elated.

Instead of pestering him any further, I took him out into the city like we had the first time. We went and ate lunch that he talked all the way through about anything and everything he could think of. He still ran track, he was president of some club I'd never heard of and didn't pay enough attention to remember what it was about, and he still one of the smartest kids I knew. He told me he had aced almost everything except English which ironically was the only thing I was actually pretty good at. I had read a lot in the past few years; choosing that over going out and further fucking things up. I was a decent writer, being one of the few in my class who actually seemed to read the book before trying to write a paper on it. Unlike him, the whole symbolism spiel came easily. He had intently forced me to promise that I would let him help me do better this year. I said it didn't matter how I did as long as I passed, but he was determined to make me try too hard. I in turn told him, no- said yes when he told me I was going to help him in English. It was something small I could do at least. And as always there was that tiny part of my brain that was more excited about just being able to spend more time with him. I quickly tried to make that little thought shut up and go away.

He'd been pretty good at running track. He never won much, but it was always close and it'd been fun. He asked me if I had played any sports, but I merely conveyed the fact that I was that kid who put in the minimal effort available even though I had decided to take p.e. all three years. I ran every now and then to work off some of the junk I ate constantly, but other than that it was more my cup of tea to just sit on my ass and do jackshit all day. He seemed a bit annoyed by the fact that I barely moved and still managed to eat whatever I wanted and stay how apparently thin and lanky I was. What was I supposed to do about it? Fast metabolism or some shit. Under his decision we'd be running together now. All I could do was comply because there really was no telling my brain I couldn't want to spend time with him. We'd run in the mornings, he said, when it wasn't too hot. He tried to convince me to run track with him, but I really don't think he understood the bare minimum of effort that I didn't want to give to one activity at any given time.

After lunch we had done a bit of wandering around town. It really did take me back to the first time we did this Freshman year. Even more so when afternoon turned to evening and we were walking down the sidewalk by the park. Thankfully this time there wasn’t the “why didn’t you remember me” talk and instead just the continuation of the never ending jokes and stories to be told. Soon enough, he had stopped in his tracks. It was like a case of déjà vu that I knew had actually happened. The gates to the park had already been closed, but he opened them like nothing was different and slipped in with a wave.

“Are we going to do this every time you come back?” I asked mainly as a joke, but he shook his head intently.

“I don’t think I want to leave again. Washington is fun and all, but I really came to like it here with all you guys.”

I let it die with that. I didn’t want to think too much about that or let out how glad that one comment made me. By the time we made it to the line of brush with the trail now more overgrown than it was last time, it was already dark with the faint glow of stars starting to peak through. We broke our way through, the high grass of the field even taller. It was a bit difficult to walk through, but we eventually found a place where the grass had been pushed down; apparently we still weren’t the only people that liked to come here. We sat silently for a bit, but per usual John couldn’t handle that. The questions that had been pricking at his brain all day but that he never wanted to say were going to escape; you could just tell from the way he was holding his arm and looking around that he didn’t want to ask them but that he just had to.

"Why did we stop speaking?" He blurted, eyes shooting over to me.

It was the question I'd hoped he wouldn't ask. Maybe he would've just left it unanswered and be happy that he was back. Hoped he wouldn't drag what I didn't want him to hear out of me. Afraid not.

I merely shrugged, fiddling with a piece if grass.

"It wasn't about the cat was it?"

"No." I replied too quickly, immediately slouching back with a sigh. "Not fully."

"It wasn't your fault, and I wasn't exactly mad at you."

"Didn't sound that way to me."

His face scrunched a bit, finally nodding just a little.

"Alright, I was a bit peeved- but it wasn't at you. Well, okay it wasn't because she got killed. I was more annoyed that you didn't tell me. You hadn't actually talked to me much at all at that point." He fidgeted where he was sitting and rubbed the back of his neck. "Don't blame me for feeling a little ignored."

"The ignoring wasn't exactly one sided." There was a part of me that was desperately trying to hold that statement back, but I figured lies on top of more lies wasn't going to help this situation feel normal again.

He looked completely confused, the usual slow look before the words finally clicked and he changed to instead being taken aback by it all.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean exactly what I said." I flicked a piece of grass at him, blowing it the rest of the way until it landed in his lap. "Before anything happened, you had reverted back to school John where the only thing important is homework."

"I kept in touch."

"Occasionally."

"Did it bother you that much?"

"It's not like I had anyone else to talk to."

That came out like everything, without my consent and without any thought of consequence. It slipped right through my brain filters and straight out my mouth without another thought.

He quieted down and gave a defeated sigh. "So why stop then?"

"I changed. You did too. I thought we just needed to give up on the whole friend from afar deal. Mind you, I thought you would never be back."

"So you decided to sever ties because why try to be friends when we'd never see each other anyway."

"Pretty much." It sounded logical enough.

"Well I'm back."

"And we're talking again, aren't we?"

Suddenly he was grinning. It took a moment of thought, but there he was smiling and giving another nod. "I guess so."

Things fell silent rather quickly. I had done more talking today than I had in a while. I guess it felt nice having someone to hear me ramble again. Even though I wanted to deny it, it was too damn hard to ignore him now.

"You said you changed- and that I changed." He was leaning back on his hands now, head back as he stared up at the sky. "How exactly did we change?"

"You became more social. It wasn't a bad change, but I guess it was surprising when suddenly you had all these new friends and you weren't this little doof of a kid anymore."

"I wouldn't say that." He chuckled through his words, sitting up straight and shaking his head. "I was still as big of a dork as always, but people just seemed to enjoy it more. Track really helped that. I met people through that- and then I met their friends and suddenly I knew loads of people." He leaned forward, now looking at me a bit more intently. "I knew that though. That I had suddenly become more friendly and not as secluded, but what about you? What's changed?"

"I did the same for a while; tried having more friends but-" I paused, abruptly moving from his gaze and flopping onto my back. "But that didn't work out well at all, so I did the completely opposite instead." I waited until he followed and laid down beside me to cross one leg over the other and continue. It was oddly pleasant to finally explain to someone what was going on. It was freeing, comforting. "After all those so called friends decided I was no longer in the right mind to be in their company, I guess I didn't really talk to people all that much. Save Rose, Bro, and Jake, I didn't have much contact with people."

"What about Jade?" He asked with that confused expression again.

"She's- she's different now too. She did the same thing you did, but worse. We still hang every now and then, but for the most part she spends all her time with her new friends. They're more bubbly and outgoing than Rose and I. It's good for her, but that's limited most friendship we've had with her. I've seen her maybe once this summer, and it was in accident. Rose and I just ran into her one day while we were eating lunch."

"So your best friend has been your sister?"

My arm flopped out to smack his shoulder as I huffed. "Don't say it that way, it sounds lame like that."

He chuckled loudly, smacking me back. "News flash, you are lame."

"Says you."

"Only because it's true." I didn't reply, which translated into his language means he just has to start speaking again. "But in all seriousness, you said you had more friends, so what happened to them?"

"They weren't the best kind of people." I answered vaguely which obviously was not enough for him.

He was already sitting back up once a huff left my mouth. “What do you mean the wrong kind of people?”

“I never said wrong.” It was a mutter, but it came out anyway as I pushed myself back up to a sitting position.

“Sorry for equating wrong with what you said, but I was just going off you continuing to dodge the subject and the fact that when they’re mentioned you immediately go into pissed off muttering mode.”

“Don’t blame my tone on the fact that you don’t know what kind of people they were.” There went another unneeded huff. “I never said wrong because they weren’t exactly wrong- just, not very many of the memories I have are very good when involving them.”

“Well, I don’t mean to bring this back up since we just so recently got past it-” He was suddenly annoyed again, brows knitting and his lips pursing. “But that would be your fault once again considering you stopped talking to me. How am I supposed to know who they are if you’ve never even given me a single name?”

“It’s not important what they were like other than what I gave you- not the best. You wouldn’t understand even if I told you.”

He flat out scoffed, acting like that was one of the most offensive things he’d heard in a while. “Oh bullshit. You can’t mention something and then go into your little misunderstood teen bubble of annoying world hatred.” He leaned forward and narrowed his eyes. “Why exactly wouldn’t I understand?”

“From the fact that you haven’t changed at all I can presume your life has been pretty fucking vanilla bro.”

“You don’t know why my life’s been like. Once again, your fault.”

“Can you please stop putting that blame on me?” I asked, tone rising just enough for me to notice and quickly suck in a deep breath that trickled out through my nose. “I get it. I fucked up. Let’s move on.”

“Let’s actually move back to the question of who are these supposed friends and why wouldn’t I understand.”

“God dammit Egbert.” I grumbled with more than a subtle hint of irritation. “You wouldn’t understand because you haven’t done the shit I have.”

“And just what does that mean?” He was close to a shout now, acting like a child who was confused why they couldn’t just get their way all the time. That’s exactly how he acted half of the time. It was bothersome and annoying, but at the same time irritatingly cute- no. None of that. That kind of thought would not help the forgetting part. The part that I had been fighting against this whole night. And especially since his face looked so pissed off. That couldn’t possibly be endearing to anyone. Also because he was being a little prude right now. There’s another reason to add to the ‘he really doesn’t get it’ category of this bittersweet reunion.

I sat back a bit, folding my arms and lifting a brow. “Answer me this; have you ever smoked?”

He seemed to fumble over his words a bit, unsure the point of the question, but eventually replied with a deliberate “No”.

“Ever gotten drunk?”

He sunk back even more as his voice lost most of its strength. “No.”

“Ever gotten high?”

“No.” Any force behind his words was gone now, replaced with a slightly unsure and uncomfortable tone.

"You've proved my point." I replied flatly.

He scooted back, eyes falling and hands grabbing at his shorts.

"Believe it or not one of us grew up."

I hated the things I said when I was annoyed. I hated it even more when it made him look so stung, wincing away and lips curling.

"That's not growing up." He muttered, shaking his head. "That's just messing up your life."

"I guess I'm just different."

"Or you're exactly the same and you've just been doing stupid shit for the past two years."

"Or that."

"Exactly." He slung himself forward, slapping my knee and suddenly bringing his grin back. "So what if I didn't do all that, you can't sit there are pretend we're so much different now. I still like the same things, don't you? Or have you completely stopped like music, video games, food- should I continue?"

"You forgot being an ass."

"You're not an ass- well alright, you are, but it's the good kind."

He grinned a bit more with that, but I immediately tightened up, memories flicking back into my head that made me flinch away and scrunch my nose in disgust. His face softened, finally removing his hand from my knee.

"Hey- uh, you alright? I mean I know I'm strong, but I don't think I slapped you that hard."

"What? Oh-" My head lifted a bit as I forced myself to relax and my hands to let go of their tight grasp on my shorts. "Yeah. Sorry," I forced out a chuckle. "I thought I saw a spider on my leg."

Brilliant lie, good work Strider.

"Well shit dude," he laughed too "I thought you were like having a heart attack or something. -But in all seriousness, are we going to be able to get along?"

"We have all day haven't we?"

"Yeah I guess, but you seem to have been fighting me every step." He shrugged passively, standing up from where we were sitting. He stuck out his hand and tilted his head a bit. "Either way I guess I'm just glad I'm back." Taking his hand, he helped pull me up before he turned to start walking out. “Do you think people still remember me?”

“Considering you don’t actually look that different I’d hope so. People asked me how you were for a while. ”

“And what did you say?”

“I told them you were good and that you missed them.”

He laughed, crossing his arms and hiking a brow up. “And just how did you know that considering you wouldn’t talk to me?”

“I just assumed.” I didn’t look at him even though I could see from the corner of my eye he was staring directly at the side of my face. “They didn’t need to know that. Besides it was all the people that don’t care until it’s too late. Oh you’re famous, how about that time we shared a book in math or I let you borrow that pencil that one day- and hey just wondering do you have any spare cash? Or better yet the people that pretend to care after someone goes and offs themselves. They’d do all they could to make themselves seem great by going on your fucking Facebook wall and writing a big monologue about how much you’d be missed.  I doubt you could call half the people that confronted me friends. You’re kind of a push over you know? I think half those people just missed you because you weren’t there anymore to do their stupidass favors for them.”

He seemed amused by all of it, grinning with his teeth biting down on his bottom lip to hold in a laugh. He knew what I said was serious, but it looked like he wasn’t going to be capable of holding it in.

“What?” I asked almost harshly, defensiveness settling in my throat as he practically giggled at me.

“Nothing.” He replied in that irritating little sing-song voice, looking ahead again. “I guess I just forgot how pointless half the things you ramble on about are.”

“They’re not pointless- and I don’t ramble that much.” I was quick to be this defensive, stepping back to stare at him over my shades.

“Yes you do, and they’re about as pointless as when you used try to rap. I really do hope you gave that up. No matter what you or Bro said, they were not good in any way.”

“Like you could do any better.”

“I would, but-” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and let out a quiet sigh. “I should go home before Jane gets worried and starts calling me. I told her I wouldn’t be back too late.”

I brought myself back out of my little self-justifying bubble to instead uncross my arms and unscrunch my face. “Seventeen and you still have to be home by-” I look down at my phone, smirking a bit. “Nine. My, you’re a rebellious teen.”

“Shut up. Some of us have been up since before dawn trying to get all their shit down here. I had to stand up so I didn’t fall asleep in the grass.”

“I would’ve woken you up.”

He scoffed, rolling his eyes dramatically. “Yeah, but you would’ve either fucked with me first and like drawn on my face like some ten year old shit muncher or you would have waited until it was like midnight and then Jane would be freaking out. It is my first night here- I don’t really want to make a bad impression. She’s being so nice to let me come stay with her. I mean who really wants their cousin living in their house? Especially at that age.”

“Calm down Egbert-” I was quick to stop him, holding my hand up in feigned surrender. “It was only a joke. If you gotta get home, I’m not gonna keep you in chains. Let’s just go then.” I said while motioning back to the tree line.

He gave me an unsure look before just sighing and taking the lead. We walked back out of the field together with the quiet rumble of a summer shower coming. We didn't say much on our way back other than a few short comments here and there. We had done our fair share of talking for one day, or about a week’s worth for me.

I was glad he didn't continue to poke and prod at me. I wasn't telling him the things that had happened for a reason. Some things I'd rather he find out from other people or in due time. I really didn't want our reunion to include "your friend has now been lost to an unhappy and most likely always irritated gay seventeen year old. Welcome home". I was going to try and be the friend he remembered without letting him know just how shitty the past two years have been not the fact that he's making it really hard to keep moving on now that he's back.

It was a good thing I hadn't told him how I felt. Spilled out all my ridiculous feelings and utterly ruined our friendship. If he had known it would have made this entire situation different. I doubt he would have even shown up at my house. I'd go to school and find him there- he probably would've avoided eye contact and pretended like our friendship had gone down the shitter. He probably would've told his friends and they would given me those looks that I occasionally got. The looks where they think they know you. They label you and stamp you with giant red ink that'll send you straight to the hell that I don't even know if it exists. That's what his new friends would do. Because they're the ones that should be able to judge. Their high standings on the fucked up social food chain that allow them to pick and stab at the lessers while they have the audacity to stomp their feet when anyone dares breathe the wrong way at them. They're the ones that make my face scrunch up in disdain.

I had let myself starts thinking too much again. It took me to about the fourth or fifth repeated "Dave" until it actually reached my ears as I turned and blinked rapidly into focus.

"What?" I asked quickly, him staring back in confusion.

"What're you thinking about? It looks like you just smelled something rotten."

"I did- I think it's gone now though. Did you not smell it?" Getting quite good at the lying thing now aren't you.

"No I didn't-" He trailed off so he could look around and sniff but shrugged in the end and kept walking.

We shared a generic "see you soon" once we had reached the outer gates of the park again. Making sure they were shut back where it didn't look like anyone had opened them, he turned to face me and smile up all high brows and bright eyes.

"Ready for school?" He asked, saying anything to break the silence already established and drawn out too long. I shook my head, but he just rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Well I am. I'm probably going to be unpacking for the next few days- just getting settled in and all. I guess I'll just see you on Monday."

"Sounds good." I offered passively, hands taking their place in my pockets.

"Well okay then-" he took his phone out if his pocket, nodded at the time, and looked back up. "I should be heading home."

"I'll see you Monday."

He gave a final nod, turning and waving. "Goodbye Dave."

I stayed right where I was, just watching him walk forward a bit more. "Goodnight kid."

He noticeably faltered, hand falling as he stopped with his foot only half way on the sidewalk. His shoulders jumped with the quiet sound of a small chuckle as his head fell forward a bit.

"Yeah," He said quietly, turning just enough to give a soft smile back at me. "Goodnight."

And with that he turned once again, walking away from me with his arms behind his head and his eyes turned to the sky. I watched him go until he was out of sight. Only then did I turn around and make my way back home.

* * *

 

I guess now it seems kind of crazy that I thought I wouldn’t miss him. We were good friends- best friends. Then he left and I just kind of blocked that entire part of my childhood out of my memory. It was easier to do that when I was a kid, but when he came back, it all just came rushing to me. It was that friendship I had lost with a new fucked up twist that made my stomach churn and my head hurt in too many ways. Even then I thought it was ridiculous. I was just- stupid. I tried to cut everything out; hope maybe if I pretended it wasn’t there for long enough that it would eventually just fade away. I would just forget about it like I forgot about him. But the problem I kept facing is that it wasn’t going away; it was only getting worse. People began to find out- even if those people were just the girls, Bro, and Jake- that was still too many people. I was more just afraid that he would find out. I couldn’t let that happen now, not after I had kept it a secret so long. When he left again I thought maybe it was just a chance to start over. Erase that year from my mind and just pretend it never happened. But I was wrong. Those two years did nothing for me. They did less than nothing. It was like I had a step forward and fallen right into a giant hole in the earth. I was now lost in the fuck ton of shit that was the past two years. I wasn’t really sure how to get out yet. I felt like I was still stuck there, like none of this was real. I spent the whole day with him and yet I couldn’t believe he was here. He had defeated two years worth of work to forget him in a mere couple of hours. There had to be something wrong with that. One person shouldn’t be able to do that. It was becoming so hard to force myself to forget about all the thoughts he made me have. I desperately was trying to distance myself; not let it all happen again and keep myself from thinking those things again. I was trying so hard, and yet, all I wanted to do was be right there with him.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been quite a while. School started up and I've been rather busy, and I was going to have this finished this weekend, but I messed up my finger and I've been unable to type for a while. But it's better now and I got the time to finally finish it!

An elbow bumped against mine as Rose scooted closer. She had somehow convinced me to flush another grade down the toilet by taking my second tortuous chemistry class. It was certain I wouldn’t be enjoying this even from just the teacher talking about the year. He was an old man; talked in a long drawl- he was from Kentucky I think. He never liked me very much. I didn’t do too well when I took physics from him. I always made up excuses when he singled me out. It was a mix of not understanding and simply not doing the work. Either way, he and I didn’t get along too well. At least for now he was gabbing on about the course. We sat at lab tables, and I had chosen one in the back where Rose joined me later.

“So he’s back.” She stated through a whisper as she leaned over.

“Who?”

“John. Don’t pretend.”

“Is he now?” I replied, rather disinterested.

“Don’t be so cynical.”

“I don’t think you can ever be in a position to say that to someone.”

“I’m cynical to myself. At least it’s not in the process of being rude.”

“When was I ever rude?”

She didn’t respond, just scribbled a few notes down. “But he is back.” She said eventually, tapping her pencil against the desk. “He greeted me earlier.”

“Did he? How polite.”

“He was.” She replied with an extra hard tap to the desk. “You saw him a few days ago. Did you not? That’s what he said.”

“I did.”

“And was he not nice?”

“I never said he was. I never said he wasn’t.” My fingers twitched a bit as the constant tapping seemed to get louder. “But you know John. He can be a complete ass and still make it somehow come off as nice.”

“True, but when I spoke to him, I didn’t get a very “ass” vibe from it. He seemed genuinely happy to see me again.” Rose had a way about her when she cursed. On top of not doing it often, when she did, she emphasized it in a way that made you feel almost dumb for doing it yourself.

“Spend some time with him. It was almost entertaining.”

“Are you sure you’re not just exaggeration like you always do?”

“No but-” She was still tapping damn pencil, louder and louder. “He’s changed. Maybe you just didn’t get the chance to hear his tone or what he said.” And louder.

“Oh brother,” _And louder._ “Maybe you were the one that didn’t notice.”

_Louder._

“Notice what?”

_Louder._

“I think you’re just coming up with reasons to dislike him.”

“What?”

“Maybe your mind is fabricating these flaws so that you can continue to forget him, and-”

She cut off there. Her mouth was still moving, but there wasn’t anything coming out. If there was, I couldn’t hear it because it was now being drowned out by that constant tick, tick of the pencil against the fucking desk. It was making my toes curl and my teeth clench. It was my luck for something so simple to stop me from paying attention to anything else. I bit my tongue until I couldn’t take it anymore. I quickly caught her wrist, holding onto it tightly.

“For god’s sake. Stop.”

A few people around us had noticed her little squeak of surprise and sudden gasp. She soon recovered herself and set the pencil down.

“My apologies.” She offered quietly.

“I don’t care what my mind is doing.” I said, completely ignoring what just happened. “Either way, you can’t deny he’s changed.”

“I believe I can.”

“Just wait.” I muttered before getting called out- I was surprised it hadn’t happened sooner.

“Mr. Strider, Ms. Lalonde, I would think paying attention would be to your benefit. Let’s not make this a problem, okay? I’m getting too old to deal with the likes of you again David. Behave this year.

“Yes sir.” I drawled back at him in the best imitation of his ridiculous voice that I could. It got a few laughs about the room, but only a deeper scowl from him. He stared for a moment but then turned back around and continued to smack his chalk against the board in what was supposed to be English but was completely illegible.

“Just wait.” I muttered again before she nodded, quietly begging to take notes.

 

* * *

 

 

He was right the other day. I didn't see John again until lunch Monday. Considering we drove now and didn't walk together and our classes were completely different because of him trying to take harder classes- who knows why, our paths didn't cross till he found me and Rose sitting in our usual spots. Like most days she was reading and making short comments every now and then while I sat back and watched everyone else chatter.

He came up behind me, giving a loud "hey!" straight into my ear which made me flinch slightly, fingers tightening and squishing marks into my sandwich.

"Jesus-" I spat out quickly which only made him laugh as he sat down with his tray.

Rose didn't falter in the slightest. She simply closed her book and looked up with those eyebrows lifted and a small smirk resting on her lips.

"Something the matter David?"

I sunk a bit more into my chair while utterly desecrating the bite I had in my mouth through gritting teeth. I was mildly surprised neither of them further pursued an answer from me, and I was sure one of them would, but they were quickly preoccupied with catching up. It was all quite scripted.

"How have you been?"

"I'm good. Yourself?"

"Just fine. Glad to be back?"

"Yes."

"How are your classes?"

"Harder than what I usually take but good. Yours?"

"About the same, I think we have next block together."

"I think so too."

"Good we can further catch up. Though I am interested in what you have been up to since you left."

From the lack of interaction past the words being shared, my attention was quickly lost again. Honestly, I couldn't bring myself to care what he had been doing. I heard it all yesterday and when the stories involved people I didn't and never would know, they didn't interest me in the least. I felt a deep-seeded dislike for the people he talked about. Even if I didn’t know them they annoyed me already. The stories I heard from him made me dislike them even more. They all sounded like irritating assholes- I don't understand how he could befriend people that sounded so arrogant and pompous. No matter my opinion, Rose seemed at least vaguely interested, keeping her eyes on him for the most part except for the few subtle glances my way as I picked at my food.

When he finally finished talking about one thing, he would take a large breath and continue on to the next topic about some other piece of dumb shit that I wouldn't care about.

"But really I'd much rather be here. That is why I came back after all."

I tuned back in at this part, having finished all my lunch and the monotonous scene of the lunchroom boring me more than their conversation.

"Have people seemed to be happy about your return?"

"I think so." He popped a couple chips in his mouth, crunching loudly before grinning. "I mean, everyone I knew has said hi, and I have a couple of my old track friends in my classes." _Fuck those guys._ "Even people I didn't really know all that well have come up and said hi." _They're not even your friends. Never were._ “But really, enough about me- How have you been?”

There was a small pause as she sat back and brought her hands down into her lap.

“I’ve been just fine. They were quite uninteresting two years-”

“It’s hard to think it was actually two years, isn’t it? It seems like I just saw you guys yesterday.”

_Maybe to you._

“In some ways it does, but I’m sure we’ve all done quite a bit of growing up since then.”

“I think you were grown up enough to start with.” He replied with a half grin.

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” She chuckled a little, but even that sounded like a formality. Rose wasn’t the one to find humor in such small conversation, and she especially wouldn’t find flattery in it. I glanced her way which she caught onto quickly and waved her hand at me in dismissal. She was just humoring him- that was obvious. I’m sure she was a bit bothered by his sudden return. This weirdly abnormal façade was proof that even she knew he had changed. Everything about him seemed normal, but yet you could just feel that something was constantly off. He was still the sociable doof we knew, but he seemed arrogant about his friendliness. He acted entitled to conversation and acknowledgement simply because he confronted you. It wasn’t the same aloof kindness or unshielded flow of thought from brain to mouth. I could tell even yesterday when he tried to speak he thought beforehand. He said what he felt, but in a way where he assumed it would please whomever he was speaking to. It was evident the people he had spent time with were like puffy chested birds that walked around knowing every one like them and embracing it with cockiness.

“Come on, you know it’s true. You’ve always been the most grown up person I’ve known.”

“Well John, everyone has to grow up sometime.”

“I know, but, you- you were always like an adult; so civil and smart.”

“Some mature quicker.” Her hand raised, fingers twitching to brush against the spine of her book. She was done speaking now. She wanted to simply go back to reading before we had to go to class. She was uncomfortable with where the conversation was going, almost worried about what she might say.

“I think you were just born that way.”

“No one is dear-”

“But there was never a time I knew you where you didn’t act so grown up.”

“I didn’t have much of an option.” She was looking at her book, thumb rub running up the pages of the corner. He looked puzzled, but only because she said it in a whisper with her face down cast. Rose wasn’t one to whisper or mumble. She was a loud spoken person who was not afraid of her opinions or what others thought of them. It was only things that truly bothered her, like many others, that made her back down. Unlike me, she did not get defensive, but it was clear we were related in the way we shut down about these things; closing it out and trying desperately to avoid talking about it before it’s even brought up. Even though she enjoyed criticizing me when I did it, it was hypocritical considering she occasionally did the exact same thing. John had led her into a spot where the only thing she could think of was how her childhood was basically taking care of her mother in a constant drunken state while trying her best to raise herself. It was true she was always more mature, but there wasn’t a way around that, and leave it to him to not be able to realize it was obviously not a pleasant memory for her.

“What was that?” He asked, leaning forward and looking up to try and meet her eyes.

“I have a question.” I sat up abruptly, elbows going to the table.

“Oh- so you can speak.” He said with his rather haughty smile as Rose’s hand lightly brushed my forearm in subtle gratitude.

“Surprising, I know, but can you please do me the favor of your company to the next class-”

“Do we have it together?”

“Turns out we do. Come on- let’s leave Rose to her book.”

She looked at me with a small nod, going to pick her book back up. John gave a small confused look, but followed nonetheless.

“You know what I mean now.” I said to which she nodded slowly again and waved us off.

 

* * *

 

As it turns out, I did end up having my last class with him. Unfortunately, that class was gym. My opinion of this class hadn’t changed all that much from Freshman year. I still took it just to get my exercise in and because it was either that or choir, and my singing was about as good as a cat’s when you step on their tail. To avoid that public embarrassment, I did my best to tolerate the people I stuck with yet again in the self-degrading form of physical education I had been utterly blessed with enduring. Having John in this class at first made me a little glad that I could at last stand one of them, but that opinion soon went straight into the shitter.

It wasn’t as bad as I was trying to make it, but my mind was doing a good job at finding reasons to dislike my situation. To anyone else, what was happening would have seemed normal. John was off spending time with the friends he had left. They had more in common with him than I did, so really it was only natural for a wall of differences to be separating our friendship even more. Of course I would want to be near someone who was almost the complete opposite of my shitty personality. There he was doing his best to act like enough of a douche that they’d accept him back into their little circle of ass-wholery. He had said a whole “hello” to me in the locker room before someone had their arm around his neck and was pulling him back into a headlock as they shouted and yelled greetings. They ruffled his hair with a fist, laughing as they hopped around the locker room.

I was quickly forgotten about after that point. The attention to giving me more than a mere greeting was instead focused on him trying to break away from the guy and start shoving each other around. I quickly shut my locker and walked all too hastily towards the door. He chirped a short and quickly forgotten goodbye before I was given odd looks from the other guys as they turned to mutter behind my back. Had they forgotten he was friends with me first? Surprising. Almost as surprising as the fact they actually seemed to recognize who I was. The freshman with a legacy was now the senior that tried his best to never leave the shadows of memories and ill remembered stories.

I stayed towards the back of the group most of class, like I usually did, watching and listening to the mindless gossip and chitchat of my peers. I had caught John looking at me a few times, but oddly, if I ever met his glances, instead of grinning like expected, he would quickly look away. I didn’t feel like approaching him about it; it looked like something was bothering him. How it was connected to me, I had no idea. I didn’t know if I had something to do with it in the first place, but from the looks I could only assume.

I found out the answer shortly after school ended. It wasn’t exactly the most pleasant way of bringing things to light, but John never was one to have any grace about things.

I was about to leave when he approached me none too surprisingly. I had my helmet in my hands, but I set it on the seat of the bike when he came closer.

“What’s up?’ I asked quickly before he even had time to say hello. His mouth was already open, but he shut it and leaned back on his heels. “Something wrong?”

“Why do you ask?”

“You’re here.”

“You’re my friend.”

“Subjectively.”

His jaw tightened a bit as he fell onto his feet fully.

“So, you drive a motorcycle?”

I sighed through my nose, giving a stiff nod. Apparently he had changed his mind- maybe nothing was bothering him and I just made it all up in my mind.

“Either that, or I’m about to steal this helmet.” He seemed more unamused by the comment than he usually would be.

“They’re kind of dangerous, don’t you think?”

“I haven’t died yet.” I picked my helmet back up to which he seemed to jump at.

“Eh, Dave-” His hand was lifted in a half-hearted attempt to keep me from leaving.

“Finally going to speak up?”

He fumbled the words around in his mouth a bit, chewing on his lip instinctively.

“I heard something,” He began bit awkwardly, forcing his teeth from his lip. “in the locker room-” Oh this was going to be good. “The guys, they said, eh-” Let’s see what those jackasses said about me this time. It’s probably that I killed someone or I have a sixth toe or some shit like that. It’ll probably be some laughable lie that they think is so hilarious to spread. That’d be great. I can’t even guess what they’d spread that’s so dumb even he’d believe. I can only imagine it’s going to be one of the dumbest things I’ve ever- “They told me you’re- well, gay.”

_Oh._

I could feel my muscles tighten, my eyes flick wider for a second, and my fingers to grip at the helmet, but all I could muster was a simple, “Oh.”

He laughed, hand going to the back of his neck. “I know right? Pretty funny isn’t it? Like who makes shit like that up?”

“John.” I muttered, watching him go into a fumbling, flustered state.

“I don’t know why they wanted me to think that. I mean, it’s not like you’re a bad guy, so I don’t know why they’d want people to think that of you.”

“Yeah but John-”

“If you want, I’ll set them straight or something. They’ll believe me I promise. I can just tell them I talked to you about it and it was just a misunderstanding or something. Don’t worry I’ll-”

“John, I am.”

He stopped abruptly, blinking. “What? No- don’t worry. Really I’ll fix it. You-”

“No,” I shook my head, hand running through my hair. “I’m not worried,” I paused, sighing and taking a moment to regroup. “And you don’t have to fix anything. I _am_ gay.”

“What?” His hand fell back against his leg, the quickness of his speech gone.

“What they said is true- not like it’s a very big deal.”

“No, yeah, it’s not. I guess-” He stopped again, seemingly at a complete loss of words. “I mean, I guess I’m just surprised.”

“Why’s that?” To my surprise, I wasn’t as nervous and defensive as I usually get in this situation. I felt as if I had wanted him to find out. At least this way I didn’t have to tell him.

“Well, you’re- you’re Dave.”

“Good reason.” I quipped with the roll of my eyes.

“You know what I mean. You’re Dave, cool kid, got all the girls, ride in style Strider.”

I actually managed a laugh at that, hooking my helmet under my arm. “Who ever said that?”

“You did. In a way. When we were younger you always made me jealous of how cool and together you were.”

“And what? Just because of this you no longer think that of me? Does it bother you that much?” That went ignored.

“When did you find out?”

“Freshman year about.” I answered dryly. His brows furrowed before he crossed his arms.

“You never told me?”

“Can you blame me?”

My attention was now on my fingers as they ran over the smooth helmet, scratching a bit in any attempt to not form fists.

“What do you mean?” He seemed completely confused and unaware of the way he reacted the last time we had a conversation about this topic.

“You didn’t exactly react well to the fact that Bro and Jake are gay. You don’t really put off a very homo- accepting vibe believe it or not. You can’t say you’re completely okay with this.”

“I’m not okay that you hid this from me for so long.”

“Why shouldn’t I have?”

“We were best bros. Still are.”

“Again I say, subjectively.”

“Why though, why say that again?’

“Because, subjectively, we are best friends. In your mind, we are best bros, but to me-well that opinions a bit different.”

“Why?”

“I told you, we’ve changed.”

“You seemed the same to me the other day.”

I chuckled a bit, shaking my head again. “We both know that’s a lie.”

“Okay sure, we’ve changed, but we’re still the same people in most ways. I mean, I still consider you my best friend. You’re still just Dave to me.”

“You didn’t exactly sound so sincere a minute ago. But hey- at least you know now.” I watched him squirm uncomfortably, face twisting at the words. This conversation could happen later, but for now I was not in the frame of mind to deal with it.

“I guess.” Scuffing his foot on the pavement, he poked the wheel of the bike.

“Don’t let it bother you too much.” I said, condescension prominent in my tone. He didn’t seem to realize though, nodding just as he thought I was being sincere. I went to put my helmet n, but he stopped me again with a hurried hand.

“Wait-” I lowered it with a quiet sigh. “That’s not the reasons I came out here.”

“What then?”

He turned around and looked, waiting while seemingly staring at nothing. I was about to leave again, but suddenly he turned back around and grinned as a girl came hurrying towards us. I’d never seen her before. She was a little shorter than hi,, long dark, wavy hair with almost grey-blue eyes. She didn’t exactly have a smile. It was more of a smirk that had an almost evil twinge to it. When she rushed up next to John, she took a few deeps breaths as he grinned at her than to me.

“Sorry I’m late. I got caught up with something.”

He dismissed that with a wave. “Dave,” He then wound an arm around her waist and pulled her close. “This is Vriska. My girlfriend.”


	24. Chapter 24

“Girlfriend.” I said through a sigh as I flopped back first onto my bed. I readjusted my phone to prop it against my face as I took my shoes off and tossed them to the floor. “He has a girlfriend.”

“Are you surprised?” Rose asked, closing her car door with a loud slam. “He’s a relatively decent looking young man with a loud and surprisingly happy personality. Why wouldn’t he have one?”

“Well no, I’m not surprised.” I rolled over onto my stomach with a huff. “But still- I wonder how long it’s been going on.”

“He’s only been back a few days.”

“Yeah, but I don’t think he’d jump into something that quick.”

“What else are you assuming?”

“I don’t know-”

Another door shut. “You didn’t ask?”

“No. Why would I?”

“Because you’re obviously very curious.”

“I’m not going to ask something like that when she’s standing there.”

“Only because you couldn’t ask it without sounding offensive.”

“So be it.”

“If you didn’t ask, what did you do when he introduced you?”

“Nothing.” I replied easily with a small shrug.

“Nothing?”

“Alright, I said something along the lines of “oh cool” and then I left.”

“Friendly.” She remarked.

“Yeah, well he hadn’t exactly been nice to me before that.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

She sighed a bit at my shortness. “And why’s that?” She asked seemingly to only humor me.

“He knows.”

“He knows…”

“His bastard ass friends outed me to him.”

“Of course they did.” She hummed with a slight tone of annoyance.

“Whatever. I guess it’s better that way.”

“I suppose.” She paused, quieting down. “What’d he have to say about it?”

“Not much more than what you would expect.”

“My expectations are undecided currently.”

“Well decide them because they’ll most likely be right.”

“Was he bothered?”

“Seemed that way.”

“Did he actually tell you it bothered him?”

“He didn’t have to.” I huffed. “He was awkward about it, wouldn’t come out and say it. He kept fumbling around.”

“Maybe he was worried you’d be offended.”

“I was more _offended,_ not even really that, by how mad he got.”

“He became angry?”

“Because I didn’t tell him. How could I have?”

“Why didn’t you?”

“You know very well why.”

“Do I?” She asked in that leading tone.

“He found out the same about Bro and couldn’t look him in the eye for weeks. It clearly bothered him then-”

“But people change. Isn’t that what you keep saying?” How confidant she sounded with herself bothered me. She thought she had caught me with my own words. Framed me as a hypocrite. We had changed, but something in me didn’t think that part of him had.

“Don’t sound so sure of yourself. You weren’t there.”

“Maybe not, but I am only making you see the other side of your story.”

“Yeah well-”

“And weren’t you the one just complaining about how he hid his relationship from you.

“Stop.”

“You’re starting to sound very hypocritical, and frankly rather rude.” She replied with a short tsk.

“Just shut up.”

“Dave I do think you’re really the one at fault here-”

“Would you just let me complain for once?” I sat up quickly, folding my legs and hunching over. “You’re always trying to prove me wrong. I want you to just be my sister and my friend, but you always try to act like my fucking therapist.” My hand clenched around the phone as my knee started bouncing. “For once I thought I could complain without you picking it apart and showing me all the flaws of my personality, but I guess not.”

“You came to me for help.” She tried to stay calm, sighing through a deep breath. “This is me trying to help.”

“Well I guess you really can’t help me.”

“What’s going on with you? You’re being ridiculous.” She scolded with the slam of a door.

“Yeah maybe I am.” I abruptly hung up the phone, slinging it rather forcefully to the head of my bed where it smacked against the pillow before falling to the covers.

I couldn’t take anymore of her either. It was stupid of me to assume she would treat me any differently. Sometimes I just wanted her to be an unbiased person- someone who I could bitch to without ridicule, but I guess I wished for too much.

With a deep sigh I stood on slightly shaky legs and drug my way into the kitchen. I had developed a massive migraine that had been growing all day. It was almost unbearable now. From the cabinet, I pulled a bottle of aspirin and popped a few in my hand.

“What’s up kiddo?” Bro asked as he walked in from the living room.

“Just a headache.” I replied with a mumble.

“Oh?” He came up behind me, peering over my shoulders.

“Yeah.” I stepped back, knocking his chest so he would move.

“What’s biting your ass?”

I looked back incredulously. “What?”

“What’s wrong?” He asked as he hopped up on the counter with a thud.

“Everybody has bad days. Sometimes those bad days give you headaches.”

“True, but not everyone pops aspirin like it’s candy.”

“I guess I have more than my fair share of bad days.”

He let out an odd laugh, “When did you get to be so dramatic?”

“We communicate through ambiguous, dramatic statements and ridiculous hand motions. It’s who we are.

“It’s like you were born out of a teen angst novel. Jesus Christ kid, lighten up.”

“Lighten up.” I repeated back to him, grunting through my scowl.

“You’ll screw up your body if you keep taking so many.”

“Don’t go all Dr. Oz on me please. I know all you can do is sit around and watch daytime television, but please spare me.”

His brows knitted together with what I’m sure he meant to be concern but it just looked like a glare from where I was from. “You know I’ve offered to take you somewhere and-”

“I don’t need that. I’ve dealt with myself this long.”

“You’ve been doing better maybe, but in the past-”

“The past is the past. How I was two years ago is not how I am now.”

“Tell that to your shaking hands.”

He hoped down to walk around the counter, but I backed up. My hands clenched, the small pills digging into my palm as I tried to keep them still.

“Will you let it go?”

“Almost two entire years?” He passed by me over to the couch with a condescending, “Sure.”

“I’m fine as I am.”

“You are.”

“I don‘t need help.”

“You don’t.” His complacency was horrifically irritating.

“I’m fine by myself.”

“Of course you are.”

“I’m leaving.”

“I’ll make dinner soon.”

I glared at the back of his head until I got sick of him. I hated how he so quickly went from lecturing to not caring at all. I knew he was doing it just to annoy me, and yet I couldn’t help but give him what he wanted. I hated him so much sometimes. I couldn’t stand it.

I gathered my bearings, not saying anything else before excusing myself. Rather unceremoniously, I slammed my door, returning once again to my bed. I slumped down and lifted my hand up. I held one of the four small tablets between my fingers. During what had happened, I had almost forgotten about my headache, but now it was only back stronger. I brought the glass of water on my nightstand up to take a drink and with a small sip; I popped all four in my mouth. I let out a deep sigh after swallowing as I laid back down on my side. I pulled my phone out from under me and tacked out a quick message to Bro.

_“Just wake me up when dinners ready.”_

I tucked my phone right back under the pillow before taking a slow breath and closing my eyes.

* * *

 

I didn’t go out of my way to speak to anyone for most of the week. I still ate lunch with Rose, but I didn’t even try to talk to her. What bothered me more was the fact that she didn’t seem to mind. She appeared perfectly fine with the fact that we weren’t going to speak. Everyone seemed so complacent about things now- it was so angering. Especially with her. I had never gone more than a day or two without somehow talking to her. To think she’d be fine with this complete lack of confrontation for almost a week bothered me more than anything.

“Have you spoken to him since Monday?” She asked toward the end of lunch. Funny being the only thing she had said for days was pertaining to the one thing I didn’t want to talk about.

“Who?” I asked after a moment of chewing, keeping myself quite short at first.

“Who is it always?”

I took another moment to eat a few bites before sitting back. “No- does it matter?”

“I suppose not, but I figured I’d ask before he arrived.”

“What?” Before she had the chance to say anything else, John himself and that girl now always attached to his arm sat down with us. “Speak of the Devil.” I muttered, eyeing the both of them before looking to Rose who had set her book down.

“And he shall come.” She added.

“Hi guys.” He was just as bubbly as usual. “Dave I know I talked to you Monday, and I saw Jade a few days ago, but then I realized-” He turned to Rose and grinned, “I never introduced you two. Rose, this is Vriska, my-”

“Girlfriend. Yes,” She turned her eyes over to the girl that was sitting with her arms crossed on the table. “I’m aware.”

“Heard about me already?” She snickered and pushed the sunglasses over her eyes up into her hair. “I’m a tad surprised.”

“News travels fast.” John joked, putting his own arms up on the table and a hand on hers.

My eyes flicked down to the hand, teeth automatically clenching for a second before I sighed through my nose and made them relax. “Actually I told her.”

“Oh- well it’s all the same I guess.” He looked behind him at the clock before patting the table and standing. “I hate to leave so soon, but I’ve got a teacher to talk to before lunch is over.” He then looked down to Vriska and ran his hand over her shoulder. “You can come with me if you want.”

“I’m fine.” She replied as she waved him off, eyes still on me with a confusing sense of determination. “I’ll just stay and chat for a bit.”

“Alright, have fun then.” He piped before waving to us and walking off.

She leaned forward more on her arms, eyes narrowing a bit, but she was still giving me that odd smirk.

“So you’re the best friend?”

It all struck me as odd. The way she was looking at me, the almost condescending tone she had, the air of confidence- I didn’t really like it. Nonetheless, I simply shrugged.

“I guess you can call me that.”

“You left so quickly the other day. I had no idea I was in the presence of someone whom John speaks of so fondly.”

“Is that so?”

“But of course.” She pulled a strand of hair down to curl it through her fingers. “All he talked about for days is how excited he was to come back and see his best friends again. I can see why.”

The last part had bite to it; that condescending nature coming out even stronger.

“So you knew him when he was still in Washington?”

Rose had glanced up from her book momentarily with a propped brow.

“Knew him? That’s where I met him.”

“You two seem close.” She continued before flipping the page.

“Well of course. I mean, I am the reason he moved back.”

Rose put her book down almost immediately, obvious indication that this had her attention. “Oh? Do tell.”

“It’s true.” She continued, flinging the strand of hair over her shoulder. “We met one night at a work conference because our dads work together at the same company. Funny enough my dad actually took over what Mr. Egbert used to do here. And when John found out that I was going to move here, he begged his dad to let him come.”

“Well aren’t you two just happily inseparable.” I snipped with enough sarcasm to actually make Rose give a small snicker. It would seem this girl was a bit sharper than John for her eyes narrowed and the corner of her mouth quirked up a bit.

“We should be after almost a year and a half.”

“That’s quite a long time.” I quipped right back.

“It is. And yet I still don’t see the end.”

Rose picked her book back up, interest gone just like that. “It’s nice you two are so happy- even with superficial things such as high school relationships.”

I let out a short laugh in my throat, but unfortunately she didn’t find it so funny.

“Superficial? Why? Because they’ll end when we go to college? He’s already followed me here, why wouldn’t he do the same in a year? Or why else? Because high school emotions are childish? Well honey I’m sorry to say it, but people used to get married at our age.”

“So you’re going to marry him now?” I remarked which made her face scrunch up.

“No. Don’t twist my words around.”

“So you’re not marrying him?”

“No.”

“But you’re using it as an example as to why he’s going to stay with you?”

“What? No. I’m just- I mean he’s going to stay with me because he loves me. And if you excuse me-” She stood and pushed her chair in. “I don’t exactly like the way I’m being spoken to. I would say it was nice to meet you two, but I’d be lying if I did.”

“Well that’s a bit rude.” I mused as I leaned back to look up at her.

She made a disgusted scoff as she glared at me before walking off. Rose let out her usual quiet whisper of a laugh as she watched that curly hair bounce off. “She’s absolutely lovely.” She added, sitting up a bit.

“Just a doll.”

“Does this mean you’re not mad at me anymore?”

“Mad? How could I be mad at you dear sister?”

“Oh of course. How silly of me.”

I waited a moment before pushing around some peas on my tray with a fork. “I snapped at you, I know but…” I trailed off but she reached over and patted my arm.

“I’ll take that as an apology, and it’s okay.”

I gave her a small nod as a thank you before I stood with the rest of the cafeteria and made way to class.

* * *

 

It was still rather hot, and by the time gym came around, I was in no mood for running. Instead, I opted for being lazy and walking the outside route around a neighborhood. I heard the quiet smacking of feet against the pavement that quickly got louder until John appeared by my side. He slowed down to a walk, puffing out a few breaths before taking in a deep one.

“How have I already managed to lap you Strider?”

“You run fast and I just can’t seem to care.”

“Well aren’t you in a good mood.”

“What are you talking about? I’m as chipper as a song bird in a Disney movie.”

“Can I be Snow White?”

“You always have been a princess.”

“Shut up.” He remarked with a smack to my arm.

“You started it.”

He laughed a bit, shaking his head. “I don’t think my girlfriend would like it too much if I became a woman.”

“Probably not.”

“Speaking of which, how long did she stay with you guys?”

“Until about the end of lunch.”

“And what do you two think?”

“Oh she’s a wonderful young lady.”

He pouted a bit, completely surprised by the amount of sarcasm within the statement. “Really? Do you not like her that much?”

“I never said I didn’t like her.”

“You used that tone though. You could have at least tried to be nice.”

“She’s really not that bad.” What another blatant lie. “She’s just… different”

“Different.” He repeated, a bit unsure of what I meant.

“As in I didn’t see you with a girl like that. Especially in such a serious relationship.”

“A girl like that?” He asked and then stiffened a bit, scuffing his foot against some gravel. “And what do you mean serious?” He looked down to the ground, hand going up to his neck. “Do you think this is serious? What even qualifies as serious?”

“Depends.”

“Depends?”

“Well,” I paused, hands going into the pockets of my gym shorts. “How far are things? Are you just all lovey dovey, or have you-y’know… popped the cherry?”

His face flushed, cheeks going to a light pink. “I’m not talking about this.” He replied quickly, before starting to run again.

“Hey-” I started, but took off after him anyways. It didn’t take too much to catch him, but he was still lustered when I caught him by the shoulder and turned him around. “Whoa whoa, alright. I guess I’ll take that as a yes?” He gave the smallest nod, but I simply swallowed my hatred and shook my head with a feigned chuckle. “Why is that so embarrassing. Guys are supposed to be proud of shit like that. Even more so with an attractive girl like her.”

“You think she’s attractive?” He asked with a confused glance as the pink faded.

“Yeah, I think most people would.”

“But you’re-”

We started walking again after I smacked the back of his head.  “I’m gay not blind you ignorant doof. I can distinguish pretty from ugly.”

“Sorry” He muttered quietly while rubbing his head. “But can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

“What did you mean when you said _that kind of girl_?”

“Exactly what I said. I’m not trying to hide anything behind it. All I’m saying is I didn’t see you dating someone with a personality like hers.”

“What kind of personality?” He drawled out waving his hand in a circular motion.

“Well-” I tried to think of the nicest way to put it but I gave up after a few seconds with a sigh. “A bitch.”

He scoffed a bit picking up his pace. “Way to put it lightly.”

“I’m sorry but it’s true.” I stepped quicker with him and shrugged. “After you left, she changed from this pleasant girl into some snotty prude.”

“Can you not speak about her like that?”

“You asked me what I thought.”

“That was before I knew how mean you were.”

“ _I_ was mean?” My eyes widened as my hand pointed back at my chest.

“That’s probably how it came across. You’re not the most personable guy.”

“I tried before she started flaunting how _special_ she was because you followed her here because you _love_ her and you guys are so _happy_ and you’d do _anything_ for her-”

“But I do love her. I am happy.” He gave a small chuckle. “I would do anything for her.”

“So be it,” I shook my head a bit. “But you can say it without being rude.”

He didn’t say anything for a bit, but I could begin to see the school again over the top of the hill. He looked up knowing he didn’t have much else to say considering my opinion.

“Other than that?”

“She’s a very pretty girl.”

“Is there anything she said that didn’t bother you?” He asked almost as if he was pleading for me to like her, but I just couldn’t. There was something about her that just screamed for me to hate her and I knew I was going to. It just seemed inevitable.

“She’s a very pretty girl, John.” I repeated before starting to run again, but he stayed walking at his own pace. For once, I didn’t stay with him and he didn’t follow.

* * *

 

When I got home later I didn’t make it much past the kitchen before I fell onto the couch. I didn’t get like this very often anymore but I felt weak to the point I didn’t want to walk. I flopped down exhausted, flinging my shoes off before curling up on my side and burying my face into the back of the couch. I wound an arm around myself, bringing my knees up close to my chest and making myself into as tight a ball as possible.  I had a headache again, the pounding blocking out all other sounds except a quiet buzzing in my ear. I felt nauseously sick and angry for no reason.

I really hated growing up.


	25. Chapter 25

On that fine Saturday morning, I was enjoying a masterly prepared bowl of lucky charms while doing my best to ignore the loud snoring from Bro's room. After a while, a bed headed Jake slunk out and joined me for a bowl. The only conversation held between us was a quiet mumble of a hello and a sleep ridden and scratchy hum in return. Our relationship was at least docile at this point. We hadn't had any squabbles in a few weeks; and that was more than I could say for me and Bro. He had once again become the unbiased medium through which we sent haughty, snippy comments to each other.

As I went to put my bowl in the sink, there was a knock at the door. Despite the fact that _technically_ he didn't live here, Jake rose with the bowl in his hand and shuffled over to it. He wiped his eyes before opening the door and giving a halfhearted smile.

"G'morning Miss Lalonde. What a pleasure it is to see your lovely face so early."

"Mind you it's already ten thirty." I heard Rose's voice hum in reply. "To most that is not early."

"It is if you just woke up." I cleared my throat to which he took note of and stepped back a bit. "But I'm sure you didn't come here to see me. Come on in."

After she stepped past him, he stuck the spoon in his mouth and wandered over to the couch.

"And how are you this morning?" She asked me as she walked over and leaned over the counter.

I turned around from the sink and back up against it. "Decent enough. And yourself?"

"Good. I would be better if I didn't come with bad news."

"Put salt in your coffee instead of sugar bad news or mom I'm pregnant bad news?"

"You're going shopping."

"Oh god it's worse than both of them."

"John and his girlfriend are coming."

"Save me Jesus I've seen a glimpse of hell."

"At least John will be there."

I stuck my neck out a bit and gave her an incredulous sneer while instantly realizing I had forgotten my shades. A hand instinctively grabbed the bride of my nose as my eyes went wide.

"Oh calm down. I've seen your naked face countless times. And I don’t really know what you’re insinuating. Today is going to be more fun that my mother when she’s sober.

A twisted joke, but still a funny one. I would have laughed, but I was preoccupied with huffing and exaggerating the dismay.

“But why have I been roped into it?”

“Because,” she began as she wandered toward my room which instinctively made me follow. “There is no way I’m spending all day with them and not having an outlet for appreciated sarcasm.” She gave a quick glance to Bro, sprawled on his bed and snoring away, with a quiet “classy” before letting herself into my room. She kicked clothes around on the floor to get to my bed. Plopping down on the mound of blankets, she crossed one ankle over the other and folded her hands on her lap.

“Nice dress.” I said jokingly, considering how surprisingly not depressing it was.

“I figured it would look better on you, but I decided to keep it for myself.”

“Damn straight it’d look better on me. Lacey dresses are my signature fashion mind you.”

I moved the clothes around with my foot before kicking a shirt into my hands. I turned my back to her as I pulled off the one I was wearing to replace it while searching for a pair of clean jeans.

“So why not find another one of your girlfriends to go with you?”

“I figured John would enjoy having another guy.”

“Maybe so, but I doubt he would like the thought of me coming. I don’ know if you’ve noticed, but we haven’t been getting along as well lately.”

“He’s always been one to forget and forgive easily.”

“Not when you insult miss perfect.”

“What did you say?”

“I called her pretty.”

She slumped back against the wall. “Just pretty?” She then asked, confused with her knees now pulled up to her chest.

“That was the only nice thing I could say.”

“Condescendingly called her pretty.”

“Exactly.”

“When was that?”

“A few days ago. Haven’t talked since then.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine. You are his best friend.”

“Subjectively.”

”You always say that.”

“Because it’s still true.”

Just hurry up so we can get going. We’re meeting them down town. You’re driving me."

“Oh, but you don’t want to mess up your beautiful hair.” I remarked sarcastically as I grabbed my keys.

“Mother has my car; unfortunately there are no other options.”

“Nah, I think you just like the danger.”

“My my, it’s such a thrill.” She replied dryly, putting a hand on my back between my shoulder blades and practically pushing me through the apartment. “You need to at least try and behave today.”

* * *

 

We arrived downtown a littler later. I parked my bike on the street and chained the helmets to it as she primped her hair back into place. She then led me to the gate on the outside of the mall we had, first passing by the large fountain then sauntering down to the cobbled stone walkway that was on the main corner. As we walked up to the happy couple, I immediately put my hands in my pickets and went silent. Despite my demeanor, John was simply _beaming,_ God knows why.

“Hi guys.” He began happily.

“And how are you two?” Rose asked as she lightly smacked my thigh. I looked up just to see them smiling and flaunting just how perfect they were.

“Great! I’m glad you decided to join us-”

“I wasn’t aware you’d be bringing Dave along.” Vriska interjected that slight bite in her tone already.

“Come on hun,” _Hun. Disgusting._ “He’s just as welcome as Rose is.”

“And I’m just delighted to be here.” I muttered, staring back at her with the same amount of loathing.

There was a moment of rather uncomfortable silence until Rose clapped her hands and stepped forward. “Well, shall we get going?”

“I think that’d be nice.” John replied, turning and pointing down the street. “Let’s start this way.”

 “Hey,” I said shortly to Vriska as John and Rose began walking. She looked back at me, turning halfway around. “Let’s try to get along today. For John.” She didn’t reply, she just made a small hum that I took as the agreement I’d get.

She then hurried up to his side, forcing herself between him and Rose to hook their arms together and sway her hips as they walked. Rose stepped to the side quickly, half grimacing at her before wiping the look away. She merely walked a little faster and continued her conversation with John. I stayed behind, shoulders hunched a bit with my hands in my pockets. My eyes were locked to the back of John's knees to keep them away from glaring at the happy couple. I had been ignoring their conversation for a while and instead listening to each person that passed; they were far more interesting than whatever miss priss had to say.

"Hey Dave-" John finally said, half turning around to look back at me. My eyes rose, meeting his grin with the immediate reaction of wanting to shoot them right back down. "You're being awful quiet all by yourself back there."

"I guess I'm just tired." I replied, shrugging as I felt a sudden scowl on me.

She was staring at me again with that absolute hatred that I still couldn't understand.

We decided before we started our shopping, we’d grab a quick lunch. We filed into our normal place, surprise, the burger place that was simply timeless. It bothered me that I kept flashing back to a mere few weeks ago when I wasn’t on the verge of hating John. I would never actually hate him, another part of me wouldn’t allow that, but I was damn sure close. The waitress sat us in a booth, John and Vriska in one half, and Rose and me in the other. It was a tad tight, but they didn’t seem to mind. They just settled down right up next to each other, arms locked. We ordered out drinks before falling silent and sitting there while staring around the place.

“Haven’t been here in a while, huh?” John joked sarcastically, glancing to me after.

“So long.” I replied with a slight drawl to which he chuckled uncomfortably once.

It was quiet again until, as always, he broke it by sitting up a bit and speaking, “So school going well for everyone?”

“Is school really what you want to talk about?” Rose asked with a small laugh through her nose.

“Hell no.” He said, giving a little louder laugh. “This college shit is kicking my ass.”

“And where is everyone thinking of going?” Rose continued, glancing from him to me.

“Boston.” Both him and I replied- mine through a quiet mutter but his spoken out right.

The corners of my mouth quirked up a bit, but my eyes remained on the table. I don’t think he heard me, but someone else did, and she was staring right at me in annoyance.

“Thought we talked about going to New York?” Vriska asked bitterly, her eyes not leaving my rather content expression.

“Well, I know we did, but we also haven’t decided anything yet.”

“John-” She began threateningly.

My eyes flicked up to him looking at her sharply before smiling nervously. “Can we continue this later?”

“Fine.” She spat back.

He rubbed her hand with his thumb, trying to comfort her, but she slid it away and under the table. He looked up cautiously, smiling at Rose.

“And where are you thinking?”

“Oh, I’m not sure yet. I’ve applied to many, but I haven’t decided just yet.” She knocked her elbow against mine and smirked. “I’m not positive if I can leave my darling brother.”

“I would simply die without you.” I hummed, returning her smirk. “Who else would insult me veiled by a patronizing complement and a tone of feigned politeness?”

“I’m sure John could take care of that for me.”

“Of course I could.” He piped up with a sly grin.

“See?” She continued, “I could teach him my ways.”

“I don’t think it’ll be too hard to learn,” He replied. “I’ve had most of my life for practice. It’s like subliminal brainwashing.”

We all laughed a bit and it was resonant of the old times. We could all joke and not feel an awkward air looming over everyone. It was nice, but easily ruined. Vriska cleared her throat, reclaiming her place with her hand back on his. We settled back into our seats, all sense of enjoyment falling from my demeanor.

It bothered me that he was so different now. But this difference was more like he used to be than how he acted during school. He was unnoticeably, at least to most people, two-faced. I was almost to the point of hating him at school. Most of his friends didn’t notice because that fake personality was all they knew. When he was with them, he didn’t rant about gams and movies, he pretended to know about sports and popular music. He didn’t make horrible jokes and snort when he laughed, but he was perverse and crude with his humor. I couldn’t stand being around that person. Freshman year I found his dorky foolishness endearingly annoying, but now that was the only thing I wanted back. I was sick of this new person, and times like this were the only chanced I had to see the old John again.

It was bittersweet.

I enjoyed having him back like this, but it was just a constant reminder of how he had changed. A constant reminder of how he was and a constant reminder of what I missed so much. I missed that friendship, but it was gone. I couldn’t even pretend he was the same. The hand holding his was keeping me from that. I didn’t want to call what I felt jealousy, because I don’t believe that’s what it was. I never had him in any way close to that, so how could I feel jealousy? I was accepting of who I was- I couldn’t be jealous. I had certainly had more relationships than him, so I wasn’t jealous of that. I was better off. I wasn’t a bitchy prude, so why the hell was I so jealous of her?

She caught sight of my most likely blatant staring. Even with my eyes covered, I hadn’t moved from staring even when Rose started talking. I was mostly staring in thought, but it was his mannerisms and the way he spoke that provoked my thought. The way his eyes were bright and wide in enthusiasm, the way his cheeks rose with each grin while he quickly talked, the way he kept shifting in the booth, the way he kept one hand on hers but still waved the other frantically with his speech.

It made me stare and remember what it was like when it was just the three of us and jade. It was simple and enjoyable. I kept convincing myself I didn’t care about losing them, but no one can be left by their friends and not feel anything.

I’m not that heartless.

I still didn’t like the way I couldn’t stop wanting to watch him. It was too much like what I used to feel. And now she had caught me. Anyone else might have thought nothing of it, but she was staring at me with such a look of disdain that I began to shift in my seat and dig my nails into my knees under the table. I guess she accomplished what she wanted, because I immediately looked to the table and when I glanced back up, she was smiling and listening to him again.

I hated her more every moment I spent close to her. I don’t know how John couldn’t see how awful she was. How could he constantly defend her when she was obviously just stringing him a long for the attention? I was beginning to greatly doubt that she had any feelings for him. That’s what bothered me even more. God did he deserve someone better than her. Someone who actually cared and wouldn’t treat him like shit or whine if they didn’t get what they wanted. I wouldn’t say someone like me- but really- someone like me.

Because I still liked him dammit.

And it was killing me in every way.

* * *

 

After lunch we began walking back down the street. I figured cooperating with each other was completely out the window now. We couldn’t even stand the other for half a day without becoming passive aggressive. I stayed enough behind them; therefore I wouldn’t be able to hear anything they were saying. It was better this way- I couldn’t make any remarks that would get my head bit off if I couldn’t hear her speak. Rose drifted back, but still stayed few steps ahead of me.

“How are you fairing?” Her head was turned, looking over her shoulder.

“How would you be if someone irrevocably hated you?”

“She doesn’t like me either. That’s definitely clear.”

I kicked a small rock, watching it jump and bounce into the street. “At least she’s civil with you. You can manage to have a conversation without being attacked.”

“Only because you’re here dear. She has a bigger target on your back than mine. ”

“The target isn’t on my back. It’s right on my face.”

“So be it.” She replied nonchalantly. “This still isn’t any fun for me either.”

“Let’s just get this over with.” I grumbled as we took a left into one of the shops.

Having no interest in looking for anything myself, I followed Rose around through a mirage of dresses.

“Don you really need more of these?” I asked, looking at the precariously positioned mannequin.

“Girls do not shop out of necessity.”

I rolled my eyes, wrinkling my nose in scorn. “Then why waste your money?”

“Why do boys waste money on sport jerseys and expensive cars?”

I shrugged, defeated, as she hummed and continued her browsing.

“Still- don’t you have like ten dresses already?” I asked after a bit, turning to find no one. “Rose?” I called, beginning to walk around in search of her.

I walked past one of the dressing rooms, wondering if she had found a dress to try on. I was about to call her name again, but a hand shot from the curtain, grabbing my collar and yanking me in.

“Rose what the hell?” I piped as my voice cracked from the jerk. Pushed into the wall, the hand fell from my collar and I opened my tightly shut eyes. Rose wasn’t in front of me, but it was Vriska. She looked even more annoyed than usual, eyes narrowed and her mouth pulled taught into a thin line. Her hands were in fists, one holding on to the ruffle of her skirt.

“How may I help you?” I asked while hugging the wall with my palms flat against it and my shoulders hunched. I was at least six inches taller that her, maybe eight, but I couldn’t help the intimidation of utter hatred she was putting off.

“What do you think you’re doing?” She hissed, keeping her voice quiet.

“Don’t you think I should be asking that?”

“Shut up.” She spat with a smack to my arm. “I don’t want to make this a last any longer that it has to, so listen here _Strider_. You need to stop whatever little game you’ve got going. I don’t care what you think, this needs to stop.”

“And what exactly are you referring to?” I stuck my head down a bit, brows knitting.

“John.”

I had relaxed some, but my body immediately tensed again. “What about him?”

She gave a small laugh, rolling her eyes. “Oh please. You think I don’t know? He’s naive, but your little charade is transparent to me.” She began to grin, that evil, maniacal smile with teeth and downward brows. “The way you look at him. The way you talk to him, how soft and pitiful you are in his presence.” My fingers began to dig into my hands, arms straight and tight against my sides. “It’s pathetic how obvious you are.” My jaw clenched, teeth grinding. “Do you actually believe you have a chance? Especially with me here and-” she stopped, grinning that much wider and dancing her fingers up my chest. “Oh look how red you’re getting. I knew my suspicions were strong, but I had no idea how desperate you actually are.” Those fingers came off my chest to cup my cheek which stopped my breath. “Poor baby, you’re simply burning up. Are you embarrassed?” She gave a small smacking pat to my cheek. “You should be ashamed- aren’t you supposed to be Mr. Cool? And here I am, picking you apart. Why not tell me to stop?” Dear god did I want to, but somehow- I couldn’t force myself to speak. “Maybe because you know it’s true. You wanted me to find out. Are you jealous? Jealous that I can have what you so clearly want? You wish you knew how it felt to have him so undeniably in love with you. Have him treat you like a god- listen to your every wish.” My chest felt so hollow- not even breathing could help me feel like more than an ant under a magnifying glass. “Have him do anything and everything for you just to make you happy- never even thinking about upsetting you. It must be so hard to see him now, showing such affection for another person. _Loving_ another person. Laying with them in a bed-”

“Stop.” I whispered, eyes closing as my head cast to the side.

“Oh, finally hit a nerve?” She hummed, drawing a finger back up my arm. “Took long enough. I guess that’s what really bothers you then. That you can’t have him in any way you want to. Even as a friend he treats you second best. And to know I have him right where I want him-”

My eyes scrunched. “Please.”

“In the most intimate way-”

“What are you trying to do?” I blurted.

“Break you.”

I opened my eyes, glancing to her face which was plain instead of grinning. I don’t know which was worse. At least when she was grinning I knew what she was feeling.

“And what does that mean?”

“I’m not going to let you interfere.”

“I didn’t take you to be the protective type of bitch.”

She sneered, scratching my wrist as she dragged her nail away from my arm.

“I’m not protecting him,” She paused, raising her head in that pompous manner. “I’m simply letting you know what’s mine.”

“You can’t own a person. He’s not your property.”

“He’s damn close considering how tightly I have him wrapped around my finger.”

“You’re a horrible person, you know that?”

“And yet I still have what you never will.”

 “He loves you.

“And isn’t that convenient for me. So we better not tell him about this then, right?”

Eyes narrowed, I leaned down a bit. “And what makes you think I won’t? I could easily expose you- show him just how truly awful you are. He may love you now, but now when he knows he’s just your slave. What’s keeping me from letting him know what a heartless, manipulative bitch you are?”

“If you tell him about this, I’ll tell him all about your little secret.”

My teeth ground, knuckles going white. “And you think he’ll believe you?”

“I know he will. Over you at least. He already knows you don’t like me; you could easily make all this up to make him breakup with me. He wouldn’t believe you for a split second. He also knows you’re gay, it’s just a step up sweety.” She waited, but I didn’t respond. Instead she began grinning again. “Good boy. Now let’s just keep this little conversation to ourselves.”

She went to leave, a hand beginning to push the curtain back, but I grabbed her other wrist.

“I’m going to tell him.” I muttered staring ahead.

“Don’t you dare.” She warned, tugging her hand back but I kept my hold strong. “I will ruin you. “

“I’m already ruined honey.” I looked up at her with a shrug. “What’s one more person hating me?”

“You’re bluffing.”

“Am I?”

She glanced to my hand still clasped around her wrist, thinking before letting out a shrill yelp. My eyes widened, but she made eye contact and glared.

Everything moved quickly.

“Let go!” She yelled loudly. “John, help!”

Before I could process it, the curtain was thrown back and there stood a frantic and confused John with his eyes blown wide.

His eyes moved from out faces to my hand around her wrist that was held high above our heads.

“What the hell?” He asked almost frantically. I released her wrist immediately, stepping away quickly and backing up against the wall. “What are you doing?”

I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t say anything so I just shut it back over my tongue. Vriska went to him, slumping dramatically against his chest and clinging to his shirt.

“He just came in here and started threatening me. I don’t know what I did- he just kept saying the meanest things.” My lungs emptied, jaw going slack from shock. I don’t know why I was so surprised; this was exactly something I would expect from her. But I still couldn’t believe John was going along with it. “I tried to get him to leave, but he grabbed me and wouldn’t let go. I didn’t know what to do.” She buried her face against his chest and started to whimper pathetically. “I was just so scared John.”

He lifted his hurt expression from her to me. “Why are you acting like this? I know you two don’t get along that well, but- but this is crossing a line, Dave.”

“You believe her?” I finally managed to stammer.

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“Have I ever been the one to do something like that?”

“No- but still. Look at her. This is pitiful Dave. I can’t believe this- especially from you.”

“But I didn’t-”

“Oh please.” She started up again. “You’ve always hated me. I just never thought you’d be so- so- mean.”

I tried my best to ignore her, keeping my eyes on John. “C’mon John. You’ve known me for almost all my life.”

“People change.” He said flatly, but it still hit me like a weight in my stomach. Throwing my words right back at me with such an uncaring bite hurt more than I ever thought it would.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Or maybe you don’t.”

“What?”

“You’re mind hasn’t exactly been clear lately.”

“What are you implying?”

“I’m just saying you haven’t exactly made a lot of sense the past few weeks.”

“I’m not crazy.” I muttered, my hands shaking.

“I never said you were.”

“But you think it.”

“No-”

“What do you think then?”

“Keep your voice down. There isn’t a need to get violent.”

“I’m not violent.” I barked back, completely disregarding my tone.

“Why did you hurt her then?”

“I didn’t.” I pleaded, but my voice was anything but calm.

“Dave-”

“I’m not violent. I wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

“I’m sure your dad said the same thing once.”

We were quickly throwing words back at each other, voices growing louder and harsher, but now it was silent. I relaxed my muscles and stared at him, blank and hurt. Suddenly I became angry again. Angry at the mere thought of how he’d changed- he never would have even thought that before all this. “I can’t believe you.” I whispered before stepping forward. “I can’t believe you.” I said louder. “You’re fucking ridiculous.” I almost shouted, reaching up and having him backwards. Vriska quickly went to the side, as John stumbled back. He went from shocked to angry faster than I expected. He came back at me, forcing me back into the dressing room.

“Don’t fucking push me.” He snapped as his fists curled.

“I can’t fucking believe you’d bring that up.”

“I can’t fucking believe you’d hurt my girlfriend like that.”

I rushed back at him, giving another shove to his chest. “I didn’t, but apparently my word means nothing anymore.” He tried to push at me, but I reached an arm around his neck and yanked it against my chest.

“You’ve been just as different as me since I got back- don’t even pretend.”

“At least I haven't stabbed you in the back.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you did. I’ve heard the things you’ve been up to. You’re a completely different person.”

“Oh and you’re not?” He lurched up, pulling his way out from under my arm and moving back. With a quick breath, he moved quickly and took a swing with his fist. I never would have expected him to fight me like this, so I wasn’t even watching my guard. He managed to hit me right in the cheek, hard and determined. I stumbled back, hand going up to cheek with the searing and thumping pain. I was ready to charge back at him, but a hand grabbed my collar and yanked me away.

“What the hell has gotten into you two?” Rose scolded, that tone in her voice so cringe worthy and terrifying. We both stopped, panting quietly and staring at each other. “You’re acting like children.”

I fixed my shirt and stood up straight. He did the same, Vriska flying back to him instantly. She reattached herself to his arm, whispering things at him. He nodded a bit, leaning down and kissing her. It made me sick to look at.

“I think we’re done here.” He said, keeping his eyes from me.

“Fine by me, _best friend_.” I replied quickly and turned. “Rose. Let’s go.”

“David-”

I didn’t listen for anymore, I just started walking. To my relief, she followed. Catching up quickly, she hooked her arm in mine and hugged it to her chest. Until we were out of the store and ways down the street, I was still breathing angrily through my nose as my cheek pounded in pain. She was rubbing my arm in a futile attempt of comfort.

I didn’t say a word until we got home; and even then she had to pull it out of me. After I managed to push out an explanation, I sat down the edge of my bed with my head in my hands as she walked around the messy room.

“So basically, she knows.”

“Basically.”

“And she wants John to hate you.”

I shrugged. “That’s what it seems like."

She walked over, sitting down beside me and placing a hand on my knee. “Is it clear now that you’re not as secretive as you’d like to be?”

“Now’s not the time.”

“I’m only trying-”

”I know.” I pushed her hand from my leg. “You’re only trying to show me what I did wrong to cause this.”

”This argument sounds familiar.”

“It’s because it’s the same goddamn one we have had ten times over.”

“And are you going to change anything because of what happened?”

“Hell no.” I got to my feet and turned to her. “If anything I’m going to try harder. He needs to realize what a manipulative bitch she is.”

“That’s a dangerous plan. She’s obviously clever. Are you sure you want to get into something with her?”

I had a hand running through my hair as I started pacing. “What else can I do?”

“Leave him alone?”

My pace quickened. “God I’ve tied. I wish I could.”

“And why can’t you?”

“Because I still fucking love him.” I muttered sharply, hands clenching to fists as I kicked over my trash can. It made a loud clatter as crumpled paper and trash scattered about the already cluttered floor. I breathed heavy and shaking through my nose until Rose came up from behind me. She wrapped her arms around my back and clasped her hands on my chest. He cheek was against my back, but I turned so it was in my shoulder. “I’m sick of it.” I mumbled, arms going around her as I put my head ion hers. She nodded a little and her hands rubbed my back.

“I’m just so tired.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though we're sadly coming up on our last fabulous Homestuck update, I do hope some of you will stick around and read until the end of this.


	26. Chapter 26

I awoke Monday morning with pain still bouncing around my cheek. I was lucky enough that he hadn’t hit my eye, but my jaw was sore and the skin bruised from my cheek bone. I had had a headache for the past week almost, but these last two days were like being in a perpetual state of a migraine.

I had stayed locked in my room when Bro was home, and only ventured out after he went to work, but now I had to face him. It was either that or trying to ditch school and him coming in here to drag me out. Out of precaution, I put on a sweatshirt and tugged the hood over my head. It wouldn’t do much, but hopefully it would shield things enough to where he wouldn’t notice.

It didn’t.

I managed to get to the door, but as soon as I opened it and thought I was in the clear, his hand shut the door back as he stood,  sipping his coffee.

“How ya doin’ kid?”

“Pretty peachy.” I replied, looking down. “But I’m running kind of late, so I should really get going.”

He hummed a bit, taking another sip. “Well alright- as long as you’re doing well.” He began to walk away, a sigh of relief leaving me until he reached around and patted my cheek roughly.  I winced just as he hummed again. “Peachy eh?”

I clenched my jaw and clamped my eyes in pain.

“Peachy.” I repeated with a stiff nod. _Asshole_.

“Right.” He drawled, yanking my hood down.

Without another word, he turned around and walked to the couch. I knew he was curious, but I also knew he wouldn’t say anything else. He knew I’d give up and tell him eventually, and until then I’d get complacent apathy. I could feel the disappointment he had- this was always what he expected of me. He’d made clear his assumption of me. I was the violent one, couldn’t control my tongue, couldn’t control my temper. Just like our father.

But he didn’t know anything. He never did. And he’d never try to know.

* * *

 

I wore my hood up as much of the day as I possibly could.  Kept my head down and my hand carefully against my cheek. I didn’t want people to see, I didn’t want the attention and the questions. I didn’t want the rumors most of all.

A few had noticed, obvious for their slight staring and quick downturn of their faces with eye contact. Thankfully no one asked and if they tried to, they would get anxious about it and change the topic.

When I rounded the corner, I collided straight into someone. I immediately moved back, eyes still on the ground as my shoulders hunched.

"Sorry man." He said, that voice all too familiar.

A smarter move would have been to keep my head down and move on, so he didn't know it was me, but I apparently couldn't do that. I lifted my eyes, grinding my jaw to one side. John stood, his expression apologetic. It soon melded into astonishment then right back to sorry. He seemed to be fine until he noticed even in the shadow of my hood that my cheek was puffy and red. His mouth was parted, built up breath escaping short and quick.

"Did I?" He asked, trailing off to another short exhale.

I swallowed hard, looking to the side. He chewed at his cheek, a hand running through his hair and then back to his neck.

"I'm sorry." He breathed, putting  his hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged it off and stepped back. "I'm not."

"What?"

"I meant what I said and honestly I'm not even upset that this happened." I pulled the hood down a bit more. "Just proves my point."

"Oh please-" He began, eyes rolling. "That happened because _you_ started pushing _me_."

"I didn't punch you."

"You still started it."

I gave up with  a sigh and gave another shrug.

"Whatever man. I'll see you around."

I began to  turn, but he caught my arm.

"Don't whatever me-"

"Let go of my arm." I quipped as I jerked my arm away.

"C'mon Dave, just hear me out." I looked back at him as he immediately winced at my cheek. He recovered quickly and stood up straight. "You busy after school?" I didn't answer. "Could I come over for a bit?" I kept staring but said nothing and watched as he grew even more uncomfortable. "Look- I just think we need to work this out. I don't like things being so weird. I mean-" He rubbed his face and sighed. "I still haven't really forgiven you - but-"

"Bye." I said, but before I could move, he put a hand right back on my shoulder.

"But." He paused and I stopped. "I'm willing to hear your side. Rose talked to me, and I realized I acted a bit irrationally. So, I'd like to come try to fix things."

I bit at the inside of my lip for a moment before stepping away and giving a small nod.

"Fine."

He grinned, nodding back as I walked past him and tugged my hood forward.

* * *

 

"It looks quite painful." Rose commented as we sat eating our lunches. "He hit you hard."

"Oh, is it that obvious?" I asked sarcastically with a violent chew of my sandwich.

"How many people have pointed it out?"

"You wouldn't even believe. Apparently everyone thinks I don't know about it. 'Dude your face is bruised' Oh no fucking way. 'Did someone punch you?' No. I punched myself dumbass."

She put a hand on my arm, rubbing it with her thumb. "Alright, calm down. I don't want to work you up."

"You're fine. It's everyone else who are fucking idiots. All thanks to John I've been pestered all day for something I would have to be as dumb as a pile of rocks not to notice."

"Have you seen our idiot since then?"

"Unfortunately yes." I set down the rest of my sandwich with a forced chuckle. "Actually I ran into him- literally."

"And did he apologize?"

"In a way. And he sort of- invited himself over after school."

"To do what?"

"Talk about what happened. Says he wants to hear my side of what happened. And I'm going to tell him."

"You're welcome for that." She hummed.

"Yeah sure- but it's about damn time he knew the truth."

"I wish you good luck."

"I think for once I'll need it."

"You've always needed it." She smirked, tapping her finger on my wrist. "And you'll never stop needing it."

* * *

 

I came home trying to be calm, but my mind was becoming frazzled. I tried to run through what I was going to tell him, but every time I did, I would become too anxious and give up before I really freaked out. After pacing around my room, I went into the kitchen and hopped up onto the counter. I kicked my feet a few times on the cabinet until Bro got annoyed enough to speak up from where he was sitting on the couch. I highly doubted he had moved at all since I left that morning.

"You seem anxious."

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

"Day off. Not happy to see me?"

"Not in the least."

He made a small 'tsk' noise, shaking his head. "When did I raise you to be such a little ass?"

"You barely raised me at all. And what can I say, like father like son."

He shut up after that, knowing from those mere words alone that I wasn't in the mood to quarrel with him. When there was a knock on the apartment door, he went to move, but I quickly jumped down.

"I got it." I muttered, taking a deep breath.

He settled back down with a curious hum as I opened the door. John gave a half smile, standing and fanning himself with his hand.

"Still not used to the heat." He said before sticking both hands in his pockets.

"I like it." I replied, the greetings falling to silence shortly after. I stepped back into the apartment a bit abruptly and extended a hand for him to come in. As soon as he entered, Bro started at it.

"Well look who it is." He was still facing the TV, but he lifted a hand in a wave. Haven't seen your face in a while- where ya been?"

John gave a slight nervous chuckle and inched slowly toward the hall. "Oh just around."

"You've grown a hell of a lot."

"I guess I have."

"It's a funny thing-"

"Bro." I said harshly.

"Okay, okay." He waved his hand again. "Go. I'll shut up."

I looked to John as he gave a small, apologetic smile and then followed to the hall and into my room. Once inside, I shut the door and leant up against it. I had finally cleaned my room, and I was thankful for it now as he walked around.

"So," He began, but trailed off as he stepped in front of the window.

"So." I repeated.

He turned around, playing with the hem of his sleeve. "I came here to just- let you explain what happened. I know I was a bit hot headed, but you understand how much I care about Vriska- I mean, I love her." He started pacing slowly. "I would of reacted like that to anyone. I'm truly sorry for punching you- that was a dick move, I know, but I have to trust what she said. I don't think you'd be the kind of person to act that way, but for the past two years she's  been the closest person to me and- and well I have to believe her."

"But you don't."

He stopped both in speech and movement, head rising to me quickly.

"What?"

"You don't have to believe her. Especially when she's lying."

"Sometimes anger makes you blind to what you're doing." He said quietly, looking to the ground. "She seems so sure in what she's saying. I just have to believe her-"

"But she's lying to you. I did absolutely nothing." He opened his mouth, but I kept going. "I was looking for Rose. I walked by the dressing room and she grabbed me and pulled me inside. That's why we were in there."

He lifted his gaze, brows furrowed. "Why would she do that? That's so unlike her. She's never that confrontational."

"It's because she wanted me alone and private. She may have acted like she was the victim, but she wasn't- _I_ was."

"Oh come on Dave. That's ridiculous."

"I was. _She_ was the one threatening _me_. She was telling me to stay away and not to interfere in your oh so happy relationship."

"Why would she want you to stay away?"

"She knows how horrible she is to you. She wants to keep you held under her thumb so you can't move unless she lets you."

"That's not true- don't sound so condescending. I really am happy."

"Bullshit." I spat, which took him a back.

"Excuse me?"

"How can you be happy in such a parasitic relationship?"

"And what do you mean by that?" He sneered.

"She's like a tick. Can't you see that she's molded you into this perfect boyfriend exterior when that's not at all who you are inside?"

"This is how I am. If that means she thinks I'm perfect, which I'm not saying I am, then why should I change that?"

"Because she's horrible. She had made you into an asshole."

And I'd finally said it.

His face tightened in offense, arms crossing defensively over his chest. "And you think you've been pleasant lately?"

"More pleasant than you."

"So you think. And that's probably because you never speak, you just stand there in silence and brood about how much better you are than everyone. Just because you never speak doesn't mean people don't know who you are. You can try to disappear and pretend like you don't exist, but that will never happen and it only makes you seem like more of a pretentious ass."

"Oh I'm the pretentious ass?"

"You might assume no one cares enough to think about you, but they do, and from what I've heard they all think you're some drugged up freak." He paused, taking a deep breath and straightening out his arms. "And lately I'm beginning to think they might be right."

I pinched at the bridge of my nose, eyes shut tightly. "So the truth comes out. You're just like everyone else now." I laughed, my arm slinging back to my side. "I thought you were my friend."

"And I thought you were mine."

"I was until you came back so different- and you brought _her_ back."

"Why do you dislike her so much?"

"Because she's a fucking bitch." I said through another laugh.

"You know," He began to glare. "When you say things like that, I find it easier to believe her."

I took a minute to look over his face before scrunching my face in disgust. "Fine."

"What?"

"So be it. If you don't want to believe me, fine. I'm done. I know what happened. I know what she said to me. I know the fact that the only reason she's still dating you is because you'll do anything for her." I stepped closer to him, which made him shrink. "I know she hates me just as much as I hate her because she knows I'll try to get you against her. She knows I'd tell you everything she told me, but she'll deny it. Deny it to keep you under her control and only think what she wants you to think. You deserve so much more and she knows that. But she's scared because once you figure that out for yourself, she knows you won't hesitate to leave her." He stared long and hard at me. He knew it was all true, but he was trying so hard not to believe it. He actually loved her- or at least had convinced himself that he did. It was painful to watch, but it was true.

"I don't deserve it." He repeated to which I nodded.

"And she doesn't deserve you."

"But I love her."

"Do you? Or has she forced you to love her?"

"Stop talking about her like that." He grumbled.

"But you know it's true."

"No I don't. None of it is."

"Stop living in denial."

"I'm not!"

"You are and you know it."

"Well it's not like I exactly had people lining up to date me." He snapped, suddenly realizing that he never intended to let that out. He quieted down, shrinking back. "She didn't force me into anything."

"You don't have to justify her anymore."

"I'm not."

"Yes you are. Why can't you just see how awful she is? You could have so much more."

"What. What could I have? If I deserve better what do I deserve? Who in the world would think of me in such a way as she does- even if she pretends to, it's better than nothing. So please if you have any ideas let me hear them! Give me names." I stood silently, clenching and relaxing my hands. He took a shaking breath, fists at his sides. "Exactly. No one. So even if she is faking it, I'd rather have that than nothing. Even if I don't deserve it- I don't see-"

From there I moved without thought. I was so tired of this- years of biting my tongue had all come out in one fight. We'd said so many things we never would have to each other's faces. But now that they were out, I felt a sudden freedom with myself and I couldn't keep it in anymore. I stepped forward as my ears shut off to what he was saying. Toe to toe, he hadn't even realized what was happening. My hands were lifting, shaking as they did, and my heart pounding the breath from my lungs. Only did he stop talking when I grabbed his cheeks and his eyes blew wide. I had a sudden lurch of regret, but it was too late. I tugged his face forward and as painlessly as I could, pulled his lips to mine. It was graceless for my cheek hurt upon contact with his and our glasses clanked together, pushing into the bridges of our noses, but I couldn't help the sudden relief after four years of wanting this so badly. I had finally done what I'd been too scared to for so long. It was so bittersweet, but I could feel his breath stop and then blow out quickly through his nose. For a moment all I could hear was the beat of my heart and feel the heat in his cheeks and the panicking thumps of his chest against mine. But time went quickly and it was over before I could relish in it. Briefly, he had stayed, so surprised he couldn't react, but once he knew what I was doing, he was frantic.

He lifted his hands, shoving my shoulders back. My arms fell to my sides, lips still burning and parted, my breath staggered. He was frozen in panic, shaking limbs, heaving chest, wide eyes, and all. My expressions softened a bit, raising a hand in an apology.

"John." I breathed, but once again, it was far too late.

He was already past me and opening the door. It was only a few seconds of me standing there, stuck in place, before I heard the apartment door open then slam shut and the only sounds to be heard were the faint murmur of the TV in the living room and the frantic beat of an aching heart.

And yet, even through all my regret I could only think of what I had just done by picking apart every little detail of those few precious seconds. Those seconds when his lips were rough and chapped. Open only slightly, but I wouldn't have dared go any further than desperately pushing mine against them. There was a small whine deep in his throat, but even it was unsure of what was happening- I wasn't even sure what I had done. I knew after that nothing would be the same, but I couldn't have stopped myself. If he didn't believe me before, maybe he would now.

Flushed and childish, maybe he would know that I had never been so utterly desperate in my life for someone to notice me.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas :)

It took me at least an hour of sitting in my floor, staring at the wall to gain enough energy to do anything other than be lost in a daze of confusion and anger. I had finally regained my ability to breathe normally and the stinging had left my lips and chest, but I couldn't think past more than the question why.

Why had I been so stupid?

Why had we even fought in the first place?

Why was any of this necessary?

Once on my feet, I rubbed my face a few times over, kneading my temples as I walked down the hall. Bro and Jake were sitting on the couch watching the TV which had only been a faint annoyance up until now. Glancing up at them, I could tell they wanted to look over at me- maybe they'd heard what happened. I bet they were wondering why John had left so quickly. I folded my arms over my chest, stepping a little closer and clearing my throat. Jake glanced over at me, but Bro kept his eyes locked on the TV. Was he really still mad at me for not telling him about yesterday? Jesus he was such a baby.

"Can I talk to Jake?" I asked a lot quieter than I meant to, but apparently that was all my throat could muster. They looked between each other, not moving an inch from their seats. Bro scanned his eyes back over to me, skeptical and forever condescending. It made  me huff quietly and roll my eyes. "Don't make a big deal out of this. Can I not speak to someone who is in the apartment more than you are?"

His nose twitched in annoyance as he dramatically stood and made his exit while stomping like a child. It's pathetic how much not knowing things bothered him. I shouldn't have been raised by such a juvenile man.

I took his place on the couch, hiking up my knees to give myself a fake sense of security. After a point, I guess he was waiting for me to speak- but I didn't. This all felt like a bad idea now. What good could he do? He wouldn't know how I felt. Maybe I should have talked to by brother instead- but he was just so damn unreasonable.

"How are you?" He finally asked, sitting stiffly with his hands on his knees but it still snapped me back into the moment.

"Shitty." I mumbled.

"Ah." He shifted awkwardly and cleared his throat. It was silent for a bit longer as we both sat, staring at anything but one another. "We haven't really had the chance to talk recently lad, have we?"

"I guess that's a way to put it."

"Or maybe you just didn't feel like talking?"

I gave a light shrug, rubbing my knees. "That's more accurate."

"I see."

"I don't feel comfortable talking."

"But you feel comfortable enough to tell me that."

"I'm sort of desperate now."

"Oh?"

"Unfortunately."

"What's made you so desperate?" He sat back a bit, mulling over a few things before smiling shyly. "Are we back to the old troubles young Strider?"

"Unfortunately."

"What's he done this time? Still haven't talked to him have you?"

"No-" I blurted out quickly before settling back down. "I have. Well, I tried to at least."

"And?"

"It ended horribly."

He waved his hand, becoming a bit more relaxed now. "Oh, I bet it's not that bad."

"You'd be surprised."

"Did he get upset?"

"For a different reason than you're thinking I bet."

"Then what reason?"

"He has a girlfriend. She's- well she's..."

"A bitch?" He finished for me.

"Royally." I added, nodding. "And being me, you know I didn't handle conveying that message as gently as I could."

"So that's what all that shouting was about."

"You heard that?"

He laughed quietly through an exhale while giving a nod of his own. "That we did."

"I didn't know we were that loud."

"I didn't assume so, but I was curious as to what was going on. I was in the bedroom working on some stuff for work, but I couldn't quite focus so well with all that racket."

"Oh- sorry."

"It's fine- but, will you tell me what was happening?"

"I-" I paused, stiffening up as my gut twisted. "We just finally let it all go I guess. Things have been... strained between us since he came back. I guess I've been resentful of that girl. And he's been- He's made new friends."

"Not your favorite people?"

"Not in the least. They're all pretentious assholes."

"Are they the ones who..." He lifted his hand up to his cheek, but I quickly shook my head.

"No, that was John." His eyes widened with a laugh. "He didn't mean to- I know he didn't. He just got a head of his brain and I had been an ass."

"You don't have to justify his actions."

"I feel like I have to."

"Does he justify yours?"

"I don't act. I brood. Well at least I didn't act until tonight."

"People can only take so much."

"I guess, but-" My head flopped back onto the couch with a small whine. "Shit. I did something really bad."

"What? Did you hit him back." He chuckled lightly. "That was called for."

"No. I _wish_ I had hit him."

"What else could you have done?"

"I kissed him." I said with surprising ease.

"Well fuck mate." He breathed, brows going up in sympathy. "I'm guessing from the way he left here white as a ghost he didn't take it too well?"

"He just ran away." I lifted my head back only to rub my hand through my hair before wiping my eyes. "And now I feel like a fucking idiot."

"Well you're going to have to face him at some point. Avoiding him isn't going to help."

"I don't want to." I grumbled, but he just shook his head.

"No one ever wants to handle something like this, but you have to. Otherwise you're going to have to go on ignore your own feelings, and- well, we both know how well that went last time."

"What do I even do in this situation?"

"Talk to him."

"How? I bet he won't even look at me."

"Stop it. You're getting pathetic." He reached over, punching me in the kneed and dropping his voice. "I thought Strider's weren't supposed to be this _weak_."

"I'm not weak." I quipped back harshly. My eyes narrowed, practically glaring back at him.

"Whatever you say." He hummed. I knew he was egging me on, but I couldn't help it.

"I'm not- I could talk to him if I wanted." I knocked his fist away and straightened my legs out. "I just don't see the point."

"Closure?"

"Fuck closure."

"Suit yourself."

I'd have enough of this. I quickly stood and straightened myself out. I was right, he had no idea what he was talking about. He obviously couldn't help me, I don't even know why I tried. "I'm leaving."

"Fine. But Dave," I stopped, not making any attempt at turning back around but just standing, waiting. "You know it really bothers your brother when you don't tell him things. Despite how he handles you, he means no harm. Give him a break every now and then why don't you?"

I gave an almost silent hum in reply, flicking my hand in a small wave that was only a few inches away from where it has been against my leg. I then proceeded to my room to hopefully sleep the self-loathing away.

It didn't work.

After my conversation with Jake the previous night, I hadn't spoken a word. My mouth was dry with a mix of apathy toward my own existence and the belligerent regret of my actions. School was a dreaded thought. I decided early on to lock my jaw and try my best to get through the day in a silent pain. I avoided eye contact for more more than usual, not answering even as more people began to notice my healing cheek. I felt just as alienated as I did when starting high school. I was a senior dammit, why did I feel so out of place? I had walked these halls thousands of times, but I couldn't help wanting to curl up in a locker and stay there until I starved to death or the janitor found me and wheeled me away to the dumpster. It wasn't even as if I had done anything to make me want to disappear. I didn't pull a prank gone wrong, I didn't cause a scene that would "ruin my life", I didn't punch a teacher, I didn't get anyone pregnant- so why did I have this unending feeling of dread? So what? I laid a very badly timed mack down on my best friend-ex best friend-the guy who is more undeniably straight than a kid on his first time to a strip club. It wasn't that bad, was it?

And yet I could make eye contact with no one. I felt like I had personally invaded each one of their spaces. My nerves were on end as I knocked shoulders with people as I passed without looking up from the hundreds of feet scuffling to their next class. Each brush of another felt like sandpaper. I desperately wanted to escape back home and avoid this day altogether, but I couldn't risk making John feel like it was his fault. Even though it was, considering how badly he had handled what happened.

Hearing the bell snapped me out of my bewilderment enough to realize I had stopped walking. Standing with my eyes locked to the ground, as I scanned up I found that the hundreds of feet had shuffled on in to their respective rooms without even allowing me to follow. I was left somehow stranded in the hallway with little motivation to push me in any direction. Despite my brain slowly shutting down, my feet moved by habit and led me off to where I was supposed to be. The chastising that took place for being late was easily ignored as I sunk into a desk and pulled my hood down without a fleeting care about it.

I didn't realize how vile words felt in my mouth until lunch when I couldn't even stomach Rose a greeting. In her attempts to make conversation, she quickly realized something was off and I wasn't just ignoring her because I could. I made no effort to quell her curiosity about the matter, which first seemed to annoy her, but her demeanor soon changed to an unsure understanding.

I once glanced up to find John walking toward the table, but upon eye contact, he put his head down and turned away like a dog with his talk between his legs.

It seems like fate didn't want me to be able to avoid him. I caught sight of him far more that day then I had when I wasn't making a point to not see him. We'd bump shoulders in the hall, or constantly find each other staring during class. It was uncomfortable enough to make me keep my head down and even make a point of slowly walking through the halls after school so maybe he'd leave before I did, but I couldn't stop myself from running into him after all. I wished I could have been invisible, but apparently he was running late and against my wishes, he was still standing at his locker when I rounded the corner to mine. It was across the hall and a few yards down, but I still knew I had to at least try to talk to him. I didn't want to, but maybe Jake was right. Maybe if I just said something to break the tension it would be okay- we could just forget about it.

I walked over after getting my books, leaning against the other lockers until he shut his.

"Hey." I offered weakly, but he said nothing. He merely glanced at me before he began walking off. "Hey, come on." I quickly backpedaled until I was in front of him and he stopped. "Can we just talk about this?"

"There's nothing to talk about." He replied curtly.

My shoulders fell a bit as I opened my mouth, but all the words were sucked out as another voice filled the air.

"Ay- I found him."

John looked over his shoulder only to give a small wave. I didn't know who the guy was or the two that followed, but John obviously did. He gave a small grin before glancing back to me.

"Just leave me alone for a while, okay?"

"John-"

"No, you've said enough already." He replied quietly just as the three guys came up from behind.

"Who's this?" The first one asked, eyeing me up and down.

"Just an old friend." _Ah yes, old friend. Because new friend would imply that we are still friends and also that I would be an apparent asshole like these three._

"I'm in three of your classes." I added, lifting my chin and shoving my hands in my pockets.

"Oh is that right-"

"Maybe you'd realize that if you didn't sleep your way to failing."

"Whatever." He retorted quickly with a sneer and a short 'tch' sound. He then turned his back to me completely and spoke at John. "Are you coming to practice or not? We're running the big loop today."

"Yeah." He answered as he went to turn and follow one of the others who had already bailed.

I grabbed his wrist out of impulse, still wanting him to stay even after he had so blatantly ostracized me. He glanced to our hands then back to my face with an expression of surprise as his friends just laughed. The two of us were frozen in silence, but they had already begun  their second round of ridicule.

"C'mon John, let's go." One of them said.

"What's your problem?" Added another.

"What _is_ your problem?" John repeated, eyeing me.

I gave the slightest shake of my head, tightening my grip on his wrist.

"Why don't you knock him down a notch or two John?" He continued as the other chimed "Yeah" enthusiastically before knocking him in the shoulder.

"He clearly can't take a punch- just look at that shiner. Why don't you lay one of him?"

"Come on- just hit him."

"You'll feel better- do it."

"He can't control you. What kind of _old friend_ would treat you like this?"

"Do it."

"Come on John-"

Suddenly, he jerked his wrist away. They suddenly stopped talking- edging him on- waiting intently for another bruise to be left on my cheek. I couldn't say I wasn't expecting the same thing, but it didn't come. Instead, his voice came out so brutal and laden with hatred that I almost couldn't  bear to keep my knees from buckling and wincing in pain. His eyes were more apologetic than I think I had ever seen them, but it was no consolation to what he said.

"Don't touch me again-" He muttered, jaw tensing up in remorse and his hands balling into fists as he fought the urge to flee. " _faggot_."

My ears burned with embarrassment and angered vulnerability. I took a step back, nodding slowly and nonchalantly. All the fight in me had suddenly drained out. I lifted my hands in surrender, continuing to nod. I began to back up and lower my hands right back into my pockets. "Good to know how you feel. Sorry for the inconvenience of my presence Mr. Egbert and pals-" I said before turning around and walking away as calmly as I could without faltering even though my legs felt as if they were full of water and my feet like blocks of concrete.

* * *

 

No one was home when I got there, thankfully, but it didn't really matter considering all I did was sit on the couch and stare at the TV like I was actually watching it. Everything running through my head was ridiculous and stupid. I felt like I was floating, attached to this body by a chain around our wrists, but my mind wanted to go far away; forget all this ever happened and go back to freshman year when he could have left and stayed gone forever. I would have abandoned all my feelings for him and moved on like any normal person should. But I was stuck to this life of pity and I hated it. I wanted to change it so desperately, but I couldn't. I'd tried so many times, but now it was like I was glued to this life because of how I've always felt about him. Even when he trashed me to my face and acted like a complete stranger, I still couldn't help it. It was pathetic, I knew that, but what was I to do about it?

My solution came when I could barely handle the amount of self-loathing thoughts rapidly scurrying their way through the inner workings of my brain. Up and over ever fold of mussel and blood vessel, burying themselves deep in my subconscious and making it impossible to pry them back out. With ever bound they made, they romped gashes in my self-confidence and in my ability to think thoughts that weren't completely decrepit and revulsive.

As annoyed with my current mental state as I was, I still pulled myself up and one foot at a time passed through to the kitchen. Despite having that rather ineffective talk with Jake, I don't think I had ever felt so low as I did then. Each disappointing moment had been topped by another until I was left here with regret on my lips that I wanted to wash away with something much sweeter. Much to my disdain, Bro had apparently smartened up since the last time my lapses in sanity brought me to such a situation. A single cabinet in our kitchen had been locked to the handle of the one next to it. I slumped to the floor with a sigh. I knew a dumb piece of plastic and metal wasn't going to stop me from getting what I wanted out of there, but it was still an inconvenience. I lifted my legs and spun around to face another row of cabinets that contained just what I would need. I pulled out a hammer from one, tapping it on the ground as I spun back. Bro was sadly mistaken if he thought a simple lock would keep me out. I could have probably figured out the combination if I tries hard enough, but I was looking for the route that required the least amount of mental capacity.

With a total of three heavy whacks at the lock, I managed to knock it from the metal part and slide the piece out of the cabinet handles. With the door swung open, I grabbed the first bottle in there, not even checking to see what it was. Scooting until my back was against the wall, I twisted the cap off and took a big swig that was soon met with the contorting of my face and liquid burned my nose and throat. I wiped my mouth before taking  few more big gulps and standing. The bottle was half empty when I first picked it up, but within a matter of a few minutes, it was almost gone. Utterly sick of the taste, I poured the small amount at the bottom into the sink and grabbed a different bottle before kicking the cabinet shut. This one was brown instead of clear, _whiskey, bourbon, brandy?_ My mind went into listing off the possibilities before deciding on _fuck it._ This wasn't about liking the drink, it was about getting me drunk enough to where maybe tomorrow I could at least claim I was too sick to go to school.

As if Bro would fall for that. I've experienced the fact that he knows a hangover when he sees one and that it is, in fact, "not the fucking flu you little piece of shit".

I debated going to my room to drink myself numb, but I decided sitting in the floor against a wall with only the song of a ticking clock was a lot more melodramatic. And that's where I sat for at least an hour. Taking small swigs and staring at the wall. My brows were knitted in concentration and at some point I had gotten a cigarette because I could see the smoke floating in the air but I had no idea where the object itself was. In my fit of idiocy, I let my mind wander to the one place I was trying to avoid. It made me sick to think about the things John had said, the way he was so confused and disturbed last night. I was such an idiot kissing him like that. What was I thinking? That he'd return my feelings? That's a joke. But I couldn't help myself from wishing that he did. God, I wished so hard.

I guess I wished hard enough for him to somehow know, but freakishly with another swig my phone started to vibrate. I debated just leaving it alone and letting whoever it was leave me a message, but curiosity got the better of me. I pulled it out, seeing John's name with a grimace. With a bite to my cheek, I pressed answer and cleared my throat.

"Hey."

"Hey." He replied quietly before pausing. "I wanted to apologize."

"What for?" Damn my voice was thick and I could tell with a few more words I'd start slurring.

"For what I said earlier."

"Yeah well thanks for the sentiment but-"

"Dave?"

 _Fuck._ "Hmm?"

"Are you okay?"

"Never better. And you ask why?" I suddenly burped a bit and coughed from the acidity in my throat. I cursed my voice, shutting my eyes tightly and gritting my teeth. I knew I shouldn't have answered the phone.

"Are-" He suddenly became annoyed sounding. "Are you drunk?"

"No?" I replied quietly, but it was too late.

"No fucking around man. You so are."

"No I'm not."

"Goddammit Dave. Are you home?"

"It doesn't matter."

"I'm coming over."

"Fuck no Egbert- don't."

"Too late."

Too late indeed. Before I could convince him otherwise, there was a click and the line was dead.

There was a knock at the door within ten minutes of the phone being hung up. It startled me a bit, but I made no move to open it. Before I had the thought to lock it, it was open and John was in my apartment. I was still slumped down in the corner of the cabinets meeting the wall and I had to crane my head back to look at him when he walked over.

"What the hell Dave?"

I chuckled a little. "Well hey Johnny boy."

"I can't believe you-" He muttered, and ran a hand through his hair. "Come on." He sighed, extending a hand. "Try and stand."

I grabbed his hand, pushing up with my legs as he hauled me to my feet. I kept leaning even when I was up so I made him buckle back and lock his knees to hold me up.

"Geez, could you not put all your weight on me? This isn't easy for me."

"I'm standing aren't I?" I said, turning my head to realize how close his ear was to my mouth.

"What's the matter with you?"

"What's the matter with you?" I repeated in a whisper, grinning as I purposefully tried to blow air against his neck.

"Jesus-" He sputtered, pushing me back forcefully which made me stumble into the cabinets. "Don't fucking do that."

It made me chuckle a little even as my back hurt from hitting the counter. "Oh please, I'm only fooling around. I wouldn't want you to catch the gay."

"That's not what I meant."

"Sure it is."

His face grew serious. "No. It's not. I just like my personal space."

"That's not how it looks when you're with Vriska."

"She's my girlfriend."

"And I'm just some asshole who you've pretended to be friends with."

"Seriously what's gotten into you?"

"How are you so fucking naive?" I breathed, all jokes and teasing behavior leaving my mind and being replaced with irritation and resentment.

He looked so taken a back that I almost couldn't stop myself from laughing. "What's that supposed to mean."

"Jesus Christ, you really can't see it?" I wiped my face with my hand, letting out a small chuckle. "Apparently everyone else can. To them it's obvious, but to you- you're just completely in the dark."

"Dave-"

"Can you not understand how much I've fawned after you for the past four years of our shitty lives?" Not so surprisingly, the alcohol was apparently going to make me more bold than I liked. I guess I should have known having him come over was going to lead to this, but I really didn't want to go down this path.

"What? I don't-"

"You're such an idiot." And yet I couldn't stop myself from forcing us to continue to my utmost certain demise.

"Hey, that's rude." He countered with a scoff.

"It's true though. You don't understand anything. Things that are so simple are somehow unbelievably complicated to you. It's torturous."

"Come on, that's unnecessary."

"No, I'm being serious. I don't get how you can be so blind to this."

"I don't know what I've been blind to."

"Exactly!" I cut in quickly, curling a hand into a fist and pointing at him with the other. "That's what so annoying. You can't see what's right in front of your face. If you only looked you'd know."

"Why don't you just tell? If it's so simple, tell me. Let me know what I apparently can't see that everyone else can. Maybe then I can have an actual conversation with you instead of yelling about whatever the elephant in this room is. If I'm so naive, explain to me why. Just spit it out."

And so I did just that. "I've had a fucking school girl crush on you." I spat rather unceremoniously. "That's what I'm telling you. And I thought it would have been pretty fucking clear after last night, but I guess it wasn't. But that's it. I like my hetero best friend- and I have for four fucking horrible years."

"Why?"

"Why what."

"Why me? Why this? Why now?"

I gave him a look of utter confusion, shaking my head. "Why not you? You're my best friend, John. Jesus- you always have been. You know yourself you're not- bad looking. And as much of a fucking dork you are, I guess I just have some affinity for that." I gave a sigh, futilely trying to make myself relax. "You can't pick who you like. I wish you could though, because I know for a fact I wouldn't have chosen you."

He flinched back, face scrunching. "Ouch- fuck dude that's a little harsh. You're being kind of a dick, you know?"

"I'm being a dick?" A short laugh. "I'm not the one who ran away just because he was scared."

He grew more angered at that, crossing his arms defensively over his chest. "No, but you're a dick for hiding this from me for so long and now you're just being selfish dumping it on me like this. And what do you mean you wouldn't pick me? If you wouldn't, then why are you telling me now?"

"Because this fucking sucks." I rubbed the back of my neck and closed my eyes tightly with my head cast to the side. "I'm not being selfish- all I've ever done is for your sake. I hid it for so long to spare you this agonizing confusion. I've ruined relationships because of this." I opened my eyes back, staring at him directly now as I counted each on my finger. "I fucked up my relationship with you, with Bro, I haven't even spoken more than a few words to Jade in almost four months. I fucked up myself so bad that I don't think I can get myself out of this shit hole. I've barely spoken to anyone but Rose in months. And even then what ever comes out of her mouth is just making me realize how shitty my reality is. For Christ's sake John, I never wanted to make you have to deal with this, but I could only keep it in so long."

"And what about the thing with Vriska?"

I let out a long, shaking breath of complete impatience. "You didn't actually believe her did you? That bitch confronted me. She threatened me because like everyone else she saw what was really going on in this fucked up noggin. She knew how miserable it was for me to see you two together and she wanted to milk that for all she could."

"If she's such a bitch, why didn't she tell me?"

"Because she was afraid. She knew there was a chance that if you found out, you'd leave her.  But I knew you wouldn't."

"You don't know me all that well." He sneered with his lips curled up in disdain.

"I do. Because you're not that cruel and you're too scared to let go of the first person you thought you loved. I know that feeling all too well. For as much as you've made me feel like a pile of crap, I know I can't stop whatever is going on. Trust me, I've tried."

"All this." He said flatly. He pinched his lips together, shaking his head slowly. "You've hid all of this from me for so long. You could've saved yourself by just telling me at any point. Just come out with it. 'Hey John I'm gay, and guess what I like you.'"

"Oh like it would've been that easy."

"Maybe not! But it would have been better than this. At least then I could have processed it."

" Well I fucking tried John."

"Oh really?" He was growing just as impatient as I was. "When?"

"The night you told me you were moving away. But I figured I'd keep quiet and let you move on instead of scaring you shitless right before you left."

He quieted down only to sigh and tug at his hair. "I can't believe you... I can't believe this. You've got to be kidding."

"I wish I was. I wish so desperately that it wasn't true. So we could both live normally."

"You should have told me."

"I couldn't! You would have freaked out and called me a faggot just like you did today. We both know it's true."

Our voices were so high I was surprised some one wasn't banging on the walls to tell us to shut up by now.

"You know I didn't mean that."

"You didn't mean it? Oh right, you just had to look cool in front of your friends. Because that's what you do now."

"Hey-"

"You know it too- you know how much of an ass you've been just to fit in. Because they think it's funny to pick and bully other people, so you have to find it cool too. Just so they'll accept you instead of your real friend who actually accept you for who you are."

"Real friends. Yeah, you mean the ones that are rude to my girlfriend and call me an asshole every time I see them?"

"At least we're not fake."

"Not fake? Come on Dave! You're the fakest person I know!" _Harsh._ "You've been living with this secret for four years and for the past two years you've acted like you've hated my guts for some reason. I tried to keep in touch, I tried to stay your friend, but you just pushed me away." _Not like you made it that hard._ "And then when I came back you were so different. You were some drugged up mega douche burnout who hated me and everyone else." _There it is. Of course that's how he really felt._ "My fucking god I can't stand you anymore. You're more insufferable than I've ever seen you." _You're making it so easy to hate you._ "I tried so hard to still be your friend, but you're just so unsatisfied with everything and it's so goddamn annoying." _Did you really?_

"I've been pushing you away to save you from this very thing. I never wanted this."

"Then why the hell did you kiss me?"

I has debated this entire time whether or not to say what I really didn't want to but I finally knew I had to. "Because I fucking love you and nothing I ever do is going to change that fact no matter how much I hate myself for it!" I'd done it with a mouth full of regret and lungs filled with air that felt like I had smoked a thousand cigarettes.

"You- Jesus, okay." He backed down, looking like he could either break down or punch me. "Dave, I just- I think we need some time off, you know- of not talking." He started for the door, backing up and slowly shaking his head. "For a bit. Let me think about some things. Let you sort this shit out. I think- I think that'll be best. Right? Right."

"Just fucking peachy."

"Dave-"

He looked up as if he was hoping I'd say something to make him stay. Tell him it was all just a practical joke so we could laugh and forget it. But it wasn't. It was reality and it was a motherfucker.

"Just get out." I said, staring back at him with sorrowful anger in my eyes and a lump in my throat.

"Dave I just-"

"Why did you even come tonight if this is how you feel?"

He looked hurt, but he couldn't get rid of the anger. "I just didn't want you to hurt yourself."

"Too fucking late on that one kiddo. You did that for me."

He sighed. "You're so dramatic."

"I choose being dramatic over facing reality. You should try it sometime."

"That's not how the real world works."

"Yeah, you said it yourself. I need to sort this shit out. I guess facing reality is part of that, but for now- just fucking go. So I can get over you please."

He bit at his lip, letting it go and turning to open the door. "You tried that once and it didn't work. Even after two years. What makes you think it's going to happen this time?"

He back out into the hall enough to where I could quickly and unstably more to the door and shut it.

"Because I've never been so _goddamn sick_ of hearing your voice."


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the support! It's a bit rough right now with a ton of stress, and I wanted to add more to this chapter, but I decided to make a few changes in order to get something out sooner. I can't promise when I'll get another chapter done, but I hope it won't be too long!

I was lost in a gracious slumber until there was a pounding sound that made me cringe as I began to wake up. It became louder as my eyes scrunched then blinked open. My room was still pitch black- it had to be before five at least. I didn't remember how I even got in my bed. The last thing I was certain of was John leaving just before I stumbled my way to the bathroom to hurl my guts into the toilet. My mouth still tasted vile as I swallowed the thickness and sat up. Each forced knock felt like a hammer against my forehead that made me wince away and rub my eyes.

"Open the damn door Dave." Bro's voice shouted from the other side.

"Go away." I shouted back, but my voice was so scratchy it almost broke off half way through.

"No way in hell kid- now open the fucking door."

I let out a long stream of sighs as I threw the covers back and pushed my hair out of my face. I slid my shades on before reaching the door and swinging it open.

"What." I barked, but before I could stop him, he had a hand on my head.

He grabbed onto my hair and tugged me along. Through the apartment he pulled me until pushing on my back and making me stumble into the kitchen.

"What the fuck is this?" He snapped at me, jerking a hand to the empty bottles on the floor. I especially didn't remember drinking that much- or breaking the one in the sink, or the one of the floor... or on the counter.

His hand smacked my back after I didn't respond. "Speak up. Why did you blatantly disregard my word again?"

"I had a rough night."

"You had a rough night?" He blared back with a mocking laugh. "Well fuck me, I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was acceptable behavior after a 'rough night'."

"You're overacting." I deadpanned, staring blankly at the floor.

"Overreacting?" He grabbed my shoulder, making my head spin as he tugged me around. "You're the one overreacting. And you're going to kill yourself at this pace. All you've done for months is sleep, drink, and smoke. You're seventeen for Christ's sake! You've got your whole life to screw yourself up- don't do it all now. I get it, it's hard to be your age. You don't have parents- and hell, I'm no perfect father figure. Your whole family is fucked up and that doesn't help. And as I've told you, but you completely ignore, I know this whole John thing is shit. You haven't talked to me, but I hope you haven't forgotten that I did go through this and I'm not just making it all up. It wasn't exactly the same, but come on. I _know_. I know how much all of this sucks, but I had you to keep me from all of this. You don't get how easy it would've been for me to throw my life away like this, but I didn't. I had to take care of you, and however much I hated it at the time, now I'm so thankful for it. You kept me from this shit, so why won't you just let me help you? It's cheesy and cliché and I know how much you hate stuff like that, but you need to hear it. If you're not going to stop for everyone else, do it so I can stop finding you passed out on the floor, or worrying if you're going to burn down the apartment, to take too many fucking advils in one day and fuck yourself over." He took a deep breath, pushing his hair back. "Can you please just calm down. Take a breather from all this drama- for me?"

"Listen Bro," I began with a sigh. "I know you understand- as much as you can at least- but I just need to figure this out on my own. Like-" I scrunched my face up, desperately trying to rub the headache away. "I realize you only want to help- and I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I just can't do this when you're always mad."

"I'm only mad because you're being foolish."

"But at least I'm making my own decisions."

"They're horrible ones. " He pleaded, shaking his head. "I wish you would realize that."

"I have!" I immediately regretted raising my voice, feeling pain crash against my forehead. "But at least I'm making them and learning."

"What exactly are you learning?"

"That none of this shit helps, but it dulls it for the nights when it's worst. So I don't do anything even more stupid."

He looked hurt, recoiling into himself with disappointment.

"I'm done with this."

"What?" I asked, furrowed brow and all.

"I'm done. Done with your attitude, your self-pity, your drama. It's all too much. Like, _fuck_ , all I'm trying to do is help. And all you're doing is being a depressing little shit about everything. Everybody gets sad kid, but this is pathetic. I can't handle this anymore- the constant worrying. It's all so tiring. Just fucking move on or something. You can't spend your whole life dwelling on how fucking depressing the little things are."

"So you're done." I repeated with a bite, my half drunken stat still making everything fuzzy and languid.

"I'm done."

"What now then? What the fuck and I supposed to do?"

He turned away from me, carding through his hair. "Leave."

My head did a little shake of disbelief as I scoffed. "What?"

"Fucking leave. And don't come back until you've figured this shit out."

"Where the hell am I supposed to go?"

"I don't fucking care!" He shouted as he went and retrieved a bag from the closet. He threw it at my feet. "Pack up your shit and get out of my apartment." He stormed off, slamming the door to his room as loud as he could.

My stare went from his door to the bag on my feet. I picked it up slowly as I turned to go to my room. The packing I did was lost in a fuzzy blur of shock. The bag was heavy on my back as I walked down the stairs before I knew where I was going. It had my laptop and all the clothes I would need for a week or two while my backpack was slung over the other rm. It would have been too much for the motorcycle to handle, so I guess I had to walk . It was probably around two or three in the morning when I left. There was no one on the streets, utter silence making the walk seem that much longer and unfriendly. Once I stopped thinking about it, I lost track of how long I had been walking, but I eventually arrived at the only place Bro wouldn't think twice about me going to.

With the bag at my feet and one hand tightened around the strap of the backpack, the other gave a few knocks on the door. I shifted from one foot to the other and ground my jaws together until it opened. I feigned a smile as the movement of the door blew bedhead hair out of Jake's face while he dug the heel of his hand against his eye.

"Ay mate-" He mumbled groggily and blinked in surprise. "Oi Dave, what're you doing here?"

I picked my bag back up and pushed past him without saying a word. With my bags dropped on the floor, I flicked my shoes off and curled up in the corner of his couch while holding onto my knees.

"Sure, come on in." He said quietly, shutting the door and walking over.

"Wanna have a sleepover?" I meant to say jokingly, but my laugh was broken and my words fell flat.

He came around and sat himself next to me. "Is something wrong?"

"Can't spend a few nights with my brother's boyfriend? Didn't you say over the summer that we didn't spend enough time together?" He gave me one of those irritated sighs of my name as he crossed his legs. "Can you just- let me sleep here?"

"Why?" He shifted a bit, tapping my knee with his hand. "Are you alright?"

"C'mon Jake." I hunched down into the cushion as I knocked his hand away. "Just let me sleep please."

He sat silently, staring at me until he finally let out a deep sigh and stood.

"Don't ask  Bro." I muttered as he passed. He stopped with a small 'hmm' before continuing on back into his room.

There was a blanket folded over the arm of the coach which I slung over myself and slid down on my side. in the morning, I was woken by the sound of coffee being ground up. It smelt good, but I was still disgruntled from the fact that it was barely light outside. And I was awake.

I sat up to glance over with one eye pinched shut.

"That's for you." He said, motioning his head to the plate while he began to wash his dishes.

I pulled myself up from the couch, wincing at my stiff back and popping joints. The sudden rush of standing up made me realize how much of a headache was brewing behind dark eyes. I took a seat and stared down at the pancakes covered in syrup, the steam heating my cheeks.

"Feeling any better?" He asked carefully. I glanced up at him and without a word he merely nodded and dried his hands. "I have to go to work soon." He waited for a response that never came. "Why don't you just stick around until I get back?"

"I have school." I uttered through the food in my mouth.

"I won't tell anyone if you don't go. I can't control what you do."

I hummed quietly and took another bite.

 

* * *

 

When Jake came back after work, I had fallen asleep again. I was still on the couch with headphones in, but when the quiet hum of music was pulled from my ears, my eyes fluttered open.

"If you sleep now you won't be tired tonight." He bubbled above me, a grin apparent and accompanied by wide, bright eyes.

"That's not really a concern of mine." I mumbled as I grabbed my headphones back from him.

"How are you feeling?" He asked while smiling back at me.

"Headache." I responded shortly.

"Usually after drinking as much as you did a headache is almost certain."

I sat up and rolled my eyes a little. "He told you, didn't he?" He let out a sigh and nodded. "You didn't tell him I was here, did you?"

"No, don't worry. He asked, but I said I hadn't seen you. But that doesn't mean I didn't get an earful at lunch." He sighed again, but broke it with a laugh. "He certainly is quite fed up."

"Oh really? I had no idea."

"Well, I mean- I guess I can sort of understand. You have been a bit wild."

"Wild? Interesting choice of words."

"More malignant I suppose."

"I'm not a fucking tumor." I sat back a bit and gave a short chuckle. "Actually, I guess I am sort of a tumor to him. Stuck on him- can't get rid of me while I slowly kill you."

"I wouldn't say he's not happy to have you. You're like a- happy tumor-"

"Who the hell is happy about have a tumor?"

"You made the analogy, not me." He replied defensively but still cracked a grin. "But you see what I really mean is, I got his story- and while I don't doubt him, I would like to hear your side as well."

"Do you think I'm some angsty misunderstood teen stereotype?" I grumbled back.

"Quite the opposite. I believe I, and your brother, understand you perfectly. Also, you are not necessarily 'angsty', but instead overly dramatic." My mouth curled. _Dramatic._ I'd heard that word far too many times recently. "However- I would like to listen to your justification for these actions and that blasted temper."

"Blame the temper on genetics. As for my actions-" I sighed and ruffled my hair. "I suppose you can blame that on my mind's need to overcompensate my lack of personal assurance or any evident point of happiness with over brooding self-destructive tendencies." He stared back at me, eyes narrow as he tried to work through what I said. I gave him the same look back until breathing through a laugh. "I'm sad."

He looked back until realizing that and widening his eyes. "Oh- yes. I can understand that." He came and sat down beside me. "But what I don't understand is why you feel you have to do these things."

"I don't feel like I _have_ to, but the way I see it, I am the only thing I can control. I can't control you, or Bro, or John, but  _me_ -" I looked down at my hands, inspecting them with some unknown curiosity. "I can control me. What I say, what I do what I think. That's all me. I can't control how people react to those things, but what I am is all I have. You guys may see these actions as irresponsible and childish, but-"

"Which they are."

"But-" I repeated louder, looking sharply back up at him. "It empowers me and makes me feel cathartic to do these things,."

"Puking your guts out brings you catharsis?"

"In a way, I believe so."

He looked confused and unsure, but I had given him my reason and he needed to accept it. He stood back up and gave me a simple pat on the head. "You're such an interesting kid. So many thoughts with such little room in that noggin. You need to be careful, one day they may just explode."

"I believe they already have in some way."

He had begun to walk, but he looked back , puzzled. "Oh?"

I pated the couch. "Come back for a bit. You never heard my side."

He seemed almost embarrassed by the fact that I was right. "Oh- right, yes. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. It's fine."

I had told Jake most of what had been happening the past few months, but this time I went in depth. Someone needed to know, it all, no details spared. He listened silently, which surprised me considering his constant comments prior to my long-winded train of thought. Nearing the end, my head felt heavy, my mouth dry, and my chest tight from the sudden relief of the stress and emotion. I couldn't stop myself-one it began, I felt as if I needed to tell him everything. Even if he wouldn't understand some, throwing it all at him just felt so relieving. I slowed down when my jaw began to ache and I started to recount the last week or so. I completely came to a halt once I began speaking of the night before. My mouth just stopped moving as I took a deep breath.

"Last night," I began again. "Last night I made a fool of myself. I put myself out there- going against every thought in my mind and I tried to explain how I felt. It back fired miserably. Do you know how that feels? To have you heart slowly infect your brain until it makes you crazy and turns your breath into poison that cracks against your chest until you can't speak. The worst feeling I've endured, worse that puking until I dry-heaved, worse than my eyes burning from the smoke, worse that getting punched in the face, is have someone who you care so much about tell you that you're pathetic. Taking everything you've ever known and criticizing it while simultaneously ripping your nerves apart so nonchalantly like split ends." I swallowed hard and shut my eyes. "He just- he's so _fucking_ _stupid_. " A hand went into my hair as my breath shook. "How is one person so blindly naive to others?" I stopped speaking again, my hand going to hold my forehead. I felt his hand on my shoulder as he squeezed it a little before letting go.

"He's really hurt you, hasn't he?"

I nodded slowly, clenching my jaw so I wouldn't start shaking. His hold on my shoulder tightened as he tugged me forward and his arms went around my back. He hugged me hard and it was uncomfortable and awkward, but I needed it.

"It'll be okay." He said softly but absently. "I hope to God." He paused a bit before giving me a final squeeze. "Why don't you tell your brother about this? I'm sure he can understand much more than me."

I sighed, pulling myself away. "He may understand, but I just can't. He won't listen to what I'm actually saying because of how angry he is."

"He's just worried."

"But his worrying gets in the way of his listening. He hangs onto the drinking and the smoking- I know it's dumb to do, but that's not the point.  I would talk to him if he would actually listen. But he never will. I try to start talking and he jumps down my throat."

"I'm worried too- I get on to you, but you still talk to me."

"I know you are, I just- need to figure this out on my own and he won't allow that."

"how long is that going to take? I don't think Dirk can take much more."

"I don't know, but this isn't about what he can take. It's about what I can take."

He stood up, patting my head before putting his hand son his hips. "Just don't die in figuring it out, alright?"

"Alright." I replied with a quiet chuckle. "I'll do my best."

 

* * *

 

My days spent at Jake's were monotonous, but they were a welcome break from the world. Reality couldn't reach me there. It put me in a daze of false peace, but it was enjoyable. I spent most of my time sleeping- I had lost so much of it the past month. I had began to convince myself I had insomnia which only added to my delusion, but now I was making up for it and more. That daze made everything flow together and days passed before I knew it. I was forgetting when the sun rose and set or what time it was or when I had eaten last, but it was making me feel unbelievably relaxed. But in all those hours of sleep the long forgotten nightmares of years ago came back now and again. Dreams came far and few between, but what could be classified as "nightmares" were a more regular thing now. Centered around the various depths of my psyche, what they entailed specifically could never really be determined. A week in to my stay they were coming more frequently and bringing dread to the hours that I slept. They came in fuzziness that made me toss and turn as though I was being pricked by nails on the couch.

"I'm sorry." The first words of this cloudy illusion came out in a whisper as I felt my face pressed against a shoulder. Hands where on my back, not clutching like I'd like them to be, but just resting there. There was a familiar scent and the build so recognizable to me. His hold was far too loose considering how tightly I began to cling. I knew it must be uncomfortable for him to have me keeping him in place so desperately, but it was a time where I couldn't help myself. I'd tried to be my own connection to reality for far too long. He was becoming a rock but I need to chip myself away from him. Although I tried, my arms stayed glued to his sides, hands grabbing fistfuls of his shirt.

"I'm sorry." The shaking started in my hands, fingers tightening as my arms began to tremble. It flooded into my shoulders and down my back as it made my chest tremble, hollow out and my lungs deflate until they burned. I was shivering from embarrassment, fear, humiliation, anger, anxiety, all thrown together and forced down my throat  and out through my nerves.

"I'm sorry." The words were poisoning my throat, sticking to my tongue and rolling over my lips repeatedly into his shirt. He was still holding me with the same loose grip, saying nothing. He had managed to keep his breathing normal, but I could hear his heart pounding for whatever reason. Our pulses where nowhere in time just as stray as our thoughts. I couldn't tell if his hands were shaking on their own or if my back was doing it to them.

"I'm sorry." The words were louder, hands tighter, breath more staggered. I was falling apart in his arms and as many times as I had thought this before, I had truly never hated myself more than in that moment. So feeble and childish, practically sobbing into his unsympathetic embrace. I'm not sure if I had ever rendered John Egbert speechless, but I figured it was his current choice to say nothing instead of speaking his mind and harming my fragile mental state more than he already had.

I lifted my face away from his shoulder a few inches, eyes boring holes into his shirt. "I love you." I croaked, so broken and pathetic. I was crumbling into a mess of undecipherable thoughts and even more clouded emotions. It was all so unlike me. If I had truly thought about how I was acting, I never would have let myself continue. It was embarrassing and sad, but I could only chalk it up to the fact that I had kept it in for years. His arms fell from my back to hang lifelessly at his sides. I remained attached to him, shaking my head against his chest while staying hunched over. "I love you."

"I know." He replied finally, but his voice had no life. He wasn't the John I'd come to know. I knew that kid was in there somewhere, but in this moment he was letting his fear get the better of him. He was cold and unforgiving as he stood in my room and stared at the back wall presumably wishing for this to end so he could walk away and forget he'd heard anything.

I couldn't stop myself from saying those three words over and over again until they lost all meaning in my mouth. After each time came a monotone "I know" but slowly he was being chipped away too. I could feel that I was no longer the only one shaking. He was taking quick breaths to match mine as his hands clutched at the hem of his shirt.

I was broken, but he was breaking right there with me.

 But none of it was real. He wasn't the one breaking; it was just me. Fragmented and alone.

I woke up in a cold sweat, my hands feeling clammy as I shot up and rubbed my forehead and my eyes. I was hunched over on the couch while I took deep, heaving breaths just trying to calm myself down. It was just a dream I kept telling myself. Just a dream. I hadn't said those things. Just a dream. A fucking nightmare.

My breathing finally calmed down to normal before I got up and wandered my way to the bathroom. I had come back from the bathroom room to find my phone buzzing repeatedly on the coffee table like I was the president and the world was coming to an end. I picked it up with a listless sigh and another rub to my eyes.

TT: Dear brother,

TT: In lieu of your absence at school recently, I have decided that you are either deathly ill or have already died from said deathly ailment.

TT: Therefore, I have decided to come bring you your school work from the past week.

TT: Unfortunately, you are not where you are supposed to be and your brother seems to have no interest in your current state of affairs.

TT: Now would be a glorious time for you to respond with your current unknown location.

TT: It's four o'clock. You mustn't be asleep still?

TT: Perhaps you have died. What on earth am I going to do now?

TT: I'm going to have to train Jade to be my partner in comically sarcastic condescension.

I fell back onto the couch and stared at the messages with a good hint of reluctance to reply.

TG: calm down rose

TG: im alive

TG: i was just peeing for christs sake

TG: what do you want

TT: Where are you? I have your homework.

TG: im shacking up at jakes

TT: Not at all what I expected.

TT: Nevertheless, what is his address?

TG: hell if i know

TG: you dont have to come here either way. im fine

TT: I am not about to let your fail out.

TG: just ask your mom if youre so worried

TT: You say that as if I have the ability to wake her up when she is passed out.

TG: good luck to ya

TT: Oh don't worry, I am sure I will see you soon. Try not to die again.

TG: sure

TG: whatever

I'd been disregarding the idea of her showing up until she was rapidly knocking on the door. I thought about ignoring her until the knocking turned rhythmic and was beating against my patience. Pulling myself up, I took my sweet time as I walked over and swung the door open. I looked down at her with her oddly pleasant expression and very few hints of mischief.

She smiled back at me with a folder in her arms. Moving a strand of hair behind her ear, she gave a small chuckle. "You look positively ghastly my dear brother."

"Oh how I've missed your thinly veiled insults, love."

She peered around me curiously. "May I come in?"

"It's not my home."

"Jake wouldn't mind." She said as she passed by me with a light waft of faint perfume and shampoo.

"You said you were coming to bring me my work, not force me to be social with  you."

Completely disregarding what I said, she sat the folder on the table and went to sit on the couch. "You can't simply not show up for almost a week and then expect me to not ask questions."

"A good sister wouldn't."

"Oh contraire. A good sister would let you stay at her house, but if I can barely tolerate my mother, how would I expect you to?"

"I apologize for letting you go so long worried to death about me. Let me catch all the tears you shed and give sorrow for each one."

"I was so lost!" She drawled, throwing a hand against her forehead as she tipped it back. "How can I survive without you?"

I went to the back of the couch and leaned over her. "Please forgive me dear. My mind is not at ease."

She seemed eager now, taking her hand away as her eyes widened. "Oh? Do tell. Do tell."

With a small sigh, I made my way around to sit next to her. As I shook my head, she huffed and rolled her eyes.

"Oh please don't tell me this has to do with John."

I bit at my cheeks while casting my head to the side. She smacked my knee at the very notion of my shrugging.

"I can't believe you." She began loudly. "You are the most dramatic person I have ever met. He's just a boy Dave."

I sunk down into the couch, hugging a pillow against my chest. "It's not just that anymore. I just don't want to be there."

"And being here is the solution?" She looked around as if she'd never been here before until landing back on me. "Why are you here exactly?"

"Bro kind of kicked me out." She looked confused, pursing her lips in the way she always does. "Got sick of me."

"He got sick of your actions." She corrected me.

"Technicalities."

"Not at all." She waved her finger in my face with such a pretentious air about it, "He loves you because you're his brother, but you're acting irresponsible and foolish. He's sick of that and thinks maybe this will help straighten you out."

I partially agreed with a nod, but I sat back a bit. "Did you talk to him?"

She retracted her finger and splayed her hand on her chest. "I would never."

"You fuckin talked to him."

She had shut her eyes, but she cut them over at me with her brows raised. "Never."

"I can't believe you."

She idly straightened her skirt which made no sense because she immediately  ruffled it up again when she turned to sit sideways. "I hadn't heard from you in a week and suddenly you just alert me that you're here. I was curious. And I told you earlier that I had spoke with him."

"You said you asked him where I was not that you actually had a conversation with him- dammit. You could have asked me when you got here."

"And look how well that was going."

"Listen," I began with an undeniable wanting for this conversation to be over. "I haven't been to school not just because of John or Bro. I just need some time to think- y'know?"

"So you're going to fail all of your classes your senior year in order to get time to- think." The last word plopped from her mouth and made the edges of my mouth curl in a sneer.

"It's not that simple." I leaned back, teeth showing now as I hissed a breath through them. "Jesus Rose. I've made some bad choices, I get that, but no one seems to understand and you guys just won't leave me alone. I don't even know, okay? I don't know why I've been slowly killing my chances at anything close to a normal life. I don't know why I self-destruct in any relationship. I thought nothing could ever come between us, but I was proven wrong. Freshman year I didn't think anything could ever keep me from wanting to be right at John's side, but look at me now. Even with Bro I never thought things would be bad enough to make him kick me out- I never imagined for him to be so fed up with me after everything." I leaned forward again, elbows on my knees. "Call me what you may- dumb, arrogant, irresponsible, dramatic, but you see-" I turned my head to Rose. She was sitting very still, legs crossed at the knee and her hand holding her chin. She was watching me so intently; it never ceased to make me shrink away. "I'm not at school because I'm being cowardly. Cowering away from responsibility. Any and every responsibility I have. School, social interaction, avoiding John and his prissy little miss Egbert. I'm hiding from it until I can come up with a better solution. I didn't realize it, but now I do. I realize I'm being a coward, but really, that's okay with me. I think I needed it. I needed to be given a reason to think about all this." I was staring into my lap now with a focused stare and my hands in fists. "It's like caterpillars when they go into their cocoons, or like a bear in hibernation. Or like an acne ridden teen who is finally going through puberty. It takes a while and it's bumpy in between, but the final result is something worth waiting for. So I need to just stay here for a bit until I figure the rest out. It makes sense to me. Wait here until Bro calms down and John stops having panic attacks when I move and he thinks I'm going to fucking jump him or something. I need to wait here until I can come back with a sound mind and not make people think that I need medication other than booze and cigarettes."

My mouth had begun to run dry from the constant stream of consciousness, but I had finally gotten everything out. I let out a final breath as my fists splayed back out on my knees and smoother out my sweat pants against my thighs as I leaned back. There were a few brief moments of silence until Rose began laughing. It wasn't a quiet giggle, but a full out laugh. Her hand curled to cover her mouth as she fell back against the couch arm in a fit of mirth. If I hadn't been so confused I would have been offended.

"What?" I asked with my head hanging but my eyes on her.

"You're hilarious." She said wiping under her eyes. Folding her hands in her lap, she cleared her throat. "Pardon me. I didn't mean to laugh."

"Clearly you did."

"Fair enough. Even so, I mean to say I didn't mean to act inappropriately. You're just so entertaining. I never know what is going to come out of your mouth. And while I do say this spiel was rather introspective and thought out, it is still a bit childish."

I nodded, biting at my bottom lip. "I can accept that."

"Good." She cleared her throat again with a cough and sat up straight. "You use such unique analogies."

"But you understand what I mean, yes?"

"Not at all." She answered with the wave of her hand. "But if it makes sense to you, then that is all that matters."

"It does make sense, and all I really want is to be able to explain it in a way that other people will understand. I tried with Bro, but he it only angered him. I tried with Jake and he just gave me a pat on the back and assumed everything will work itself out."

"And I just laughed at you." She finished for me, seeming to realize the offense taken by that action. "I apologize."

"It's fine. It's understandable really. When I say it out loud it is funny ; childish. When you came her did you think I was just being hopeless about John? That's why I'm not going to school. to avoid him, right?" She didn't answer, but her eyes fell to her lap and that was enough for me to know. "That's what I thought. That's what Bro and Jake think too, but it's so much more than that."

"I realize that now. You're finding yourself- it's rather inspiring."

I gave a hum of appreciation as I shifted back into my seat.

"However, I do ask something of you." I glanced back to find her smiling lightly. "Please try to come back soon. School is awfully mundane without you."

"I knew you couldn't live without me." I teased, but she merely shrugged.

"I'm still breathing aren't I?"

"With bated breath." She let out a quiet chuckle and nodded.

We sat silently for a moment in comfort until she patted my knee and stood. "I suppose I'll be taking my leave now."

"Get your business done and leave I see."

"I thought you didn't want me here in the first place?"

"Your presence was just beginning to grow on me."

She extended her hand and pulled me to my feet. "I'll be back tomorrow."

I led her to the door before opening it and standing to the side. "Just don't tell Bro I'm here."

"You can trust me." She assured, somehow leaving me with a better understanding of myself.

I had finally spoken what I truly meant behind it all. It was therapeutic. The explanation was chaotic and despite all the people against me, I felt calm after she left. This version of me was trying harder to  be something worth believing in. I didn't want to be pathetic anymore. I wasn't avoiding all that I felt, but I needed to handle it in a different way. I needed to control my emotions and keep myself-destruction to a minimum. My analogies may have been odd, but they were true. As ridiculous as it sounded, I needed to become the caterpillar, I needed to come out of hibernation. I just needed to take the next step. Unfortunately, the next step in my plan was something I was desperately dreading.

I needed to talk to John no matter how much hell I was going to have to go through.

But before that, I needed to do a bit more thinking. I needed to decide just how I felt. I know I cared deeply for him, but I couldn't scare him away again. Just a bit more time. That's all I needed. That's what I kept telling myself.

Just slow down.

Just a little more time.

Just wait-

Just give myself a few seconds to fucking breathe.


	29. Chapter 29

Even though I had convinced myself to talk to him, I still couldn't bring myself to actually invite him over. I still partially felt as if I wasn't the one who needed to do the apologizing. He misunderstood me- well at least in some ways. I realized it was wrong to have done what I did, but he was the one who didn't believe me. He believed some girl over his best friend- that was the reason I was so angry. Sure, some of it was because he couldn't possibly have it in him to return my feelings, but still- it was so infuriating that he wouldn't even hear me out. He just rushed around and ignored what happened. What I did was dumb and stupid, but that gave him no right to humiliate me, even if it was only in front of myself. My emotions are as valid as his. They may be a bit more unreasonable, but I can't really help that, can I? If I had a choice I wouldn't feel like this. I never would have acted without thinking if I wasn't so blindly distracted by my incredulous emotions. I wanted to apologize, but I was so conflicted. I deserved an apology just as much as he did. We both had our reasons, but I don't think we were willing to listen to each other. I figured I'd see him at school, but I also wanted to get past these things before I went back to being overwhelmed by everything.

That's why I spent the rest of my two weeks in solitude, staring at my phone wishing that he would wonder where I was as much as wishing I could stop feeling like a love stuck teenage girl and get the balls to try and rebuild this friendship. I was more left struck with fear and regret than love anyway. Mainly I was more ashamed of how I had forced him out. I had been a true ass in my partially drunken state. I almost cringed when I dared remembered everything that had happened. I was upset, desperate, angry- it was such a bad combination of elementary emotions.

They made me sit and think for far too long over the days. It was driving me crazy. The thoughts racing  made my knees bounce and my fingers grip at the couch. At one point on Saturday, it was becoming too much. Deafening. I couldn't take more thinking- going over and over the way I did things wrong and how many things I said that were utterly ridiculous. I stood abruptly to get them out and to stop clawing my at my knees. I startled Jake who was sitting at the counter eating lunch.

"You alright mate?" He asked me, but I barely registered it. I nodded and waved a little before stuffing something in my pocket and shuffling out the door.

Outside wasn't much better, not sure why I thought it would be. It failed in comparison to the peaceful solitude of a roof, but with no access in this building, I settled for the side door. It faced part of the parking lot, but unlike the entrance, wasn't watched constantly by the man who worked in the lobby and would continuously yell at you if you even took a lighter out. No smoking my ass. Out here I could easily lean against the wall and the dig back out the contents of my pocket. Keeping the top of the pack shut with my thumb, I tapped it against my other hand before flicking it open and drawing out a cigarette. Thank god that I managed to swipe the last few boxes Bro had hidden in the kitchen. The habit had gotten noticeably worse since I left, but I was doing my best to blame it on the stress. Jake was well aware of it and even attempted to scold me but that was one of the many things he's said that I've blocked out. I know he enjoys the company, but I can't seem to engage myself in half the conversations he begins. Usually I give as much an answer as a simple hum or a single word. I assume he doesn't get much more from Bro from the fact that he doesn't even notice my lack of interest. Though I'm not quite sure how he hasn't squealed yet and told him I'm here. I figured he would have by now and Bro would eventually tell me to leave him alone and go somewhere else or come home, but I haven't gotten as much as even a simple text since I left. No contact and not a single fuck given. He could die and leave me the apartment for all I cared. (Okay, maybe not that extreme, but drama is still what I do best, right?) I still couldn't stand another person lecturing me on how I was slowly killing myself- I fucking knew that already. It's beaten in kids' heads all through school. Don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, don't have sex. Fucking got it. What a great way to tell people not to do something. Drill it into their minds until when those talks start happening they just zone out. They can repeat it back to you, but does it really any mean anything? Of course it does because it completely works. I definitely had not done all of those things. And those things were definitely not the reason I was sucking smoke into my lungs like it was the cure for mortality. I was a fucking mess.  

"You know that isn't good for you." Something to stop the self pitying path of my thoughts- thank god, no matter how rude the comment was.

My head came down slowly from where I was staring at the sky, completely ready to glare at whomever thought it was okay to criticize a stranger like that. When I found John standing at the curb across the parking lot with his hands in khaki shorts, my glare fell to impassive staring before I blew out a long stream of smoke in his direction with a shrug. He let out a small laugh as he stepped over the curb and walked toward me. My eyes were averted when he stopped about a foot away- I think it unsettled him. He didn't immediately start talking like I was use to. He just stood there for a minute, looking around and shifting from one foot to the other.

"You haven't been to school in like two weeks." He said rather matter-of-factly.

"No shit." I replied with a bit more bite than I intended. When I sighed, a little breath of smoke went with it and I rolled my shoulders in an attempt to calm down. "I always knew you'd make a good detective."

He ignored that easily. "Can I ask why?"  He didn't sound annoyed exactly, more like impatiently curious.

I wanted to continue my sense of aloofness, but he was prepared to talk. Getting straight to the point as if he knew I was here and actually sought me out. In fact- "Your house isn't around here." I met his eyes, cocked my head to the side, and drew the cigarette back up to my lips.

"Rose told me." He said flatly now folding his arms as if he was trying to seem intimidating.

"Bitch move." I mouthed before inhaling deeply.

He glanced up to the building and back down. "Who even lives here?"

"English." I replied. He lifted his head back with an "Oh," and a nod. "So you've just been hanging around here?"

I threw the cigarette to the ground and put it out with the twist of my foot. "Basically. Jake doesn't seem to care. Even if I am eating all his food."

"You're lucky he's so generous."

"I know. But it wasn't like I really had anywhere to go."

"What about Rose's? Couldn't you have stayed there. I mean I know she's a bit overbearing sometimes, but it was better than nothing."

I smirked a bit and nodded. "True, but the whole point of this was to get away for a bit." A hand went to rub the back of my head. "I kind of wanted to not talk to any one for a little while. It was more of me being alone than anything else."

His head went to the side with narrowed eyes of curiosity. "I guess that's a big difference between us." He nodded and straightened back up. "I just don't like being alone."

"That must be why you're not bothered by the vampire attached to you." It was one of those things that was mostly supposed to stay in my head, but like always finds its way out. Even so, it was through a mumble that barely made my mouth move, but after a few years of practice, he could still pick up every word.

"What was that?" He asked in a way that made me know he knew exactly what I said but was trying his best to intimidate me into saying it again.

I leaned against the way and rolled my head back to stare up. "You heard what I said." I let out a quick chuckle. "She's like a vampire. Sucking out all the free will."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh don't I? I think I know firsthand what kind of person she is. Can you just stop fooling yourself now?"

"I'm not." He countered with a slight recoil. "If you'll just hear me out-"

"Look- I've been meaning to talk to you." My head fell back down to him while his eyes were focused on his feet. "It's actually a good thing that you're here. I probably would have been too cowardly to do this if I had sought you out. You see everyone seems to think- and really by everyone I mean Rose, Bro, Jake, and probably you- so everyone really in my life-" I shook my head a little. "Anyway- all of you think that I've been acting so ridiculous because of what?" It was a mostly rhetorical question, but he still glanced up at me like it wasn't and he was completely dumbfounded by the question. "Because of _you_." He nodded very slightly before trailing back to his feet. "And honestly it's a little offensive. You don't have _that_ much control of my life. Like come on, sure I may or may not have gay all the way feelings sometimes, but honestly that doesn't control me. And again, I have more sense than that. I'm not some love struck teenager that is so sad that a boy doesn't like him that he doesn't go to school and hides away in depression. That's laughable. The reason which all of you are missing is the fact that I'm doing this for me. It's obvious I've been- "unstable" and I'm really just trying to get back on a flat plane. I need to be able to function without wanting to constantly rip my fucking hair out. Normal teenagers don't pop pills because they have headaches that never go away. I know some of them get drunk and fucking stoned all the time just because they think it's fun, but I fell into that routine because of the very fact that it was a routine. It was an assured ending that I could easily get to. It was just another way to escape the reality of the situation." I took a deep breath and ruffled my hair before grabbing and tugging a bit. "Don't get me wrong- you do have something to do with this, but it wasn't the cause. It was more of the activating moment. I was too hopeful and letting my imagination get the better of my rationality."

He seemed to be on the verge of laughing which honestly infuriated me. I was trying my best to be completely honest, and he was about to _laugh_.

"No, Dave- just listen to me now. I know you think you know what _you_ think, but you don't know what _I_ think. You underestimate me. It's a little offensive."

I stopped rambling long enough to pick up on his words and grow deeper into confusion. Instead of showing him that, I slid down the wall until I was sitting with my knees bent so I could rest my arms on them.  "What do you mean?"

"I broke up with Vriska."

My eyes flicked up at him, questioning. I felt like I should be shocked, but the immense relief and sense of undecided happiness kept the shock at bay. I looked away as if to try my best at feigning nonchalance. "I see."

"Are you glad?"

I paused, glancing back briefly. "I can't say I'm not."

"I assumed you would be considering your hatred."

"My hatred is still worth less than your happiness." I muttered though I wanted him to hear it. And heard it he did, that was clear from the slight twitch of an uncomfortable apology at the corners of his mouth. I said to myself I was going to be honest with him, and no matter how uncomfortable and pathetic, what I thought would be said.

"I couldn't trust her anymore." He assured me of the reason behind his decision. Whether he was assuring me or continuously reassuring himself, that was unclear. "That's all."

"Of course " I continued quietly.

He nodded, carding a hand through his hair. "She tried to destroy our friendship."

"She tried no harder than I did."

He let out a sigh through his teeth and ducked his head a bit. "Why do you act like such a victim? I shouldn't pity you."

"No, you shouldn't. I am not the victim. I caused the majority of my displeasure-but I've realized I've done you wrong as well. You're my best friend, I never should have done so many things to jeopardize that. Not just recently; for years I've treated you like an enemy. I still don't know what I was thinking. I don't know why I thought that damn cat's death was my fault. I don't know why I thought ignoring you would fix it, I don't know why I've been so angry and bitter, I don't know why I've taken it upon myself to fuck up everything. I feel like I should've known. Any sane person would've known that these things would never be right. Honestly- " I chuckled, that sort of hurting, appalled, and hilariously vacant chuckle. "Did I ever think telling you everything- showing you everything-go so far as to actually- fucking kiss you- that I- that you would- Jesus Christ-" My chuckle had broken into trying to take a deep breath but being unable to do more than force myself into a hiccup as my hands shook while grasping my knees. One rose to my forehead and rubbed it, clammy but hot. "I'm sorry." I said as I lifted my head and let it rest against the wall. He was silent. I didn't blame him for saying nothing- I wouldn't have. His eyes had been watching me- that was apparent, but his nervousness returned the moment we made eye contact and he quickly blinked to the ground. "I guess I really do ask for pity when I talk like this."

"You do." He agreed quickly. That chuckle came back as I nodded.

"I apologize for that. I meant only to finally speak my truth to you- let you know I've come to an understanding of myself. I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable- wanting to avoid me. I lied to you, ignored you, I've been a shit friend, but I call no blame anymore."

"I never felt as if you blamed me."

"But I did."

His expression deepened as if disappointed. "And still I only felt as if I had done something wrong. Like I was the bad guy. You've obviously tried to act as if it didn't bother you- me having Vriska, but I never saw the truth. We've been friends for so long and I couldn't even tell that you were so angry. You're not the only shit friend here. I haven't been any better."

"Nah." I stood slowly as my head shook. "You were only living your life. It only seemed bad because of the melodrama I threw into it. That's what I am about. Self-destructive melodrama."

He gave a small laugh. "Even that sounds dramatic."

I nodded with the quirk of a grin. "It's what I do best. Haven't you noticed?"

"I feel I'm too oblivious. I've been more oblivious and gullible than any normal person should be."

"Maybe I'm just that good at hiding it."

"Perhaps to me." His hand went to the back of his neck, bottom lip being caught between his teeth, and I dare say his face grew pink, but with an instant I told myself it wasn't. "I was shocked beyond belief." He said with a laugh. "Years and I never thought _that_ would happen. You-" He shook his head as if to toss the memory away. "You're more courageous than I could ever be."

"Blame it on my utter lack of judgment and sanity."

"Courageous insanity then. Either way, I could have never done it- not that I would have- I do apologize for not feeling such a way-" He broke off and looked at me with slight sadness.

I laughed and gave him a nod of forgiveness. "Please- I can't think of turning you gay anymore of someone trying to turn me straight. I'm not that insane."

Those words made him uncomfortable; it was clear from his cringe of a nod. He tried to laugh it off even if I think he really did wish he could somehow make things better. Not necessarily feel the way I did, but at least know what to say to help me get over it.

"We've both been unreasonably dumb." He said with a smile that I hadn't seen in far too long.

"We're both at fault I guess." He nodded in agreement as that smile grew a little wider. "I'll offer and apology." I began with my head stooped before I lifted it. "Both for what I said to you last time and for everything I'd done up to that point." I laughed a little and distracted myself by ruffling my bangs. "I'm sort of sorry for kissing you too."

He lifted a brow. "Sort of?"

"I can't say I'm completely sorry." I said with another nervous laugh.

"It was a fucking surprise, I'll tell you that."

"I know, I know. Sorry. It was a moronic impulse. I was just- so mad. And confused. I didn't really know how else to show you- you know I'm not very good at the whole speaking coherently thing. I know words would have probably been better, but y'know, . Shock value. Wanted something more apparent- literally an 'in-your-face-' sort of action."

"Well, you accomplished that with flying colors."

"Thanks" I replied, half sarcastically.

It was almost laughable how uncomfortable we both looked. He couldn't decide whether to be opposed to me or attempt to be okay with  it. He was back to chewing at his lip only contrasted by the hold I had on my cheeks. We looked between each other until he cleared his throat and looked up.

"So that's that. You," He motioned between us with a hand, "have feelings for me." It was finally said out of his mouth. Blunt and no chance of misinterpretation on his part. I swallowed hard and nodded.

"How unfortunate it may be." He made a 'hmm' sound as if in thought. "Well, I don't see why  that should change my opinion of you. You're still Dave- I'm John. If anything;  it's better I know. I feel like for once we're actually on the same page. We've obviously been reading different stories for some time. It's better that we got so angry. Now we can just- calm down. Be bros again."

I gave a faint smile to reassure him. "Bros again."

His smile slowly straightened back out as if in thought while he pushed his tongue against his lip. "I do have a question though."

My brows lifted and a extended a hand. "Anything."

"How long exactly?"

"How long?" I asked with the slight tilt of my head.

"You know," He motioned with his hand again. "That you've felt-"

"Ah-" I knew I had told him before, but the fact that he was actually open to talking about it made repeating myself that much easier. "Freshman year." My pitch sloped up at the end as if it was a question, but I knew for a fact that was exactly when it started.

He nodded a bit and moved for the first time in what seemed like an hour to come and stand by me against the wall.

"And ever since then?"

"More or less." I complied. "Not so much but also worse than ever when you were gone."

"Even when you were ignoring me?"

"Why do you think I ignored you in the first place?" I was feeling anxious again, a slightly shaking hand reaching into my pocket to find another cigarette.

"You were trying to get over it?" Just as I did, it was a statement he knew true but still posed it as a question as if he didn't want it to be true.

"Precisely." All I found in my pocket was an empty box and a lighter than needed to be replaced. With a sigh I withdrew my hand and hooked my thumb through a belt loop. "But I'm sure you know that plan didn't quite work so well."

"Is that why you hated Vriska so much? Because she could be with me?"

"Hardly." I said with a sneer of indignation. "That was only part of it. I hated her because of how she treated you. She manipulated you into doing every little thing she wanted and never gave anything back but flowery words. She knew- she figured me out, but instead of being a normal person and letting it slide without feeling so threatened, she took every step to make me miserable when I had to be around you two. Did you not notice every time we would start talking like we always had, she would change the subject? Or how every time I would even glance to you she would immediately decide to kiss you knowing I would see it? You said yourself you're oblivious, but sometimes I wondered how you couldn't see she was doing it all just to spite me."

He was staring at the ground again, the realization making him silent and most likely ashamed. He suddenly laughed a bubble of a chuckle and put his face in his hand.

"I've been so fucking stupid."

I would have smiled if the laugh didn't seem so unstable. All I could do was reach up and pat his shoulder.

He breathed in deep, held it there before slowly exhaling. "I should apologize. I realized she was a bitch too late I guess. I mean, you even told me you loved me and I still didn't believe you."

Oh _shit_. I had completely forgotten about that. All emotion quickly wiped itself from my face as I went rigid out of discomfort. How could I have forgotten that? When did I even do that? Fuck me.

"Did I now?" I managed through a tight throat and scratchy words.

"It was angry and kind of drunken- but, yeah. " His hand was at his neck again as he tried to smile.

"Shit man, I'm sorry-"

"You don't have to apologize. I mean, it's better that I heard it, right? Of course it was a bit of a shock. Undecidedly more or less than that whole kiss thing- but still a rather big shock. I guess I'd come so accustom to saying it to Vriska it lost its impact, but when you said that-" He broke off with the attempt of some odd little sound that sounded both uncomfortable and humorous. "It was kind of like 'Woah, what? What does that mean again?' I didn't really know how to take it."

"I got that from the whole 'let's not talk for a while' idea."

"Oh-" His arm fell with a shift of nervousness. "Yeah, sorry about that one too."

"It worked though." I said, pushing from the wall to lean against it on my shoulder. "We haven't talked in over two weeks and look at that- talking again."

"We haven't actually talked in far more than two weeks." He added as he adjusted his glasses to distract himself from looking at me. "Far, far longer." He breathed out a little quieter. "Sometimes I regret leaving. It caused a lot more trouble than I ever thought it would."

"It's not like you could have abandoned your dad and stayed."

"I know- but we might not have had all this bullshit if-"

"Please- we would've had it. And a lot sooner too."

"I wouldn't have met Vriska."

I shook my head with a slight laugh. "But you would've met some other girl. Fuck it man- It doesn't even matter. Let's just forget it all, yeah?"

He joined me with a laugh of his own. "Are we capable of that? Last time we tried it didn't work so well."

"I think we both know neither of us forgot anything. Besides- I think we can this time. Maybe not forget, but just- move past it. I've done and said a lot of things I'm sure we both want to forget, but we can't because those things are what caused us to mature. So let's move on and say we've grown from it all."

"Our friendship is better now, right?" He added in.

"Exactly. We can get back to the way things were. That's all we've been trying to do anyway."

He turned towards me and shrugged a bit with a moment of silence and a twisted face. "Can we change a few things?"

"Like what?" I really hoped he didn't mean more time apart. This much personal growth couldn't take another separation like that. That would most likely lead to actual insanity.

"I just mean more of a friendship. I kind of feel like we were never really all that honest with each other."

I began to laugh but I quickly bit my lip to stop it. "Yeah, imagine that. Honesty was never an easy thing when I felt- y'know."

"Yeah- but now,"

"Now I've been honest." I opened my arms out to the sides. "This has all been honest and out in the open Dave."

"Just keep it that way."  He replied. "No more hiding things and keeping quiet until you yell at me."

My arms dropped. "As long as you promise not to punch me."

There was a quick flash of a frown until he covered it with a grin that was surprisingly sincere. "I promise."

"And no more avoiding me or mocking me around your friends. The faggot got offended last time."

There was the frown again. Good going Dave. "Look man, I'm really sorry for that-"

I lifted my hand to stop him. "It was a joke."

He slumped back with more of a sulk. "That was a bad joke."

"So was yours." I retorted.

"Ass." He quipped with his grin right back in place.

"Dick." I answered even before I could feel myself smiling back.

I didn't try to keep it in, down below the surface. I didn't see any point in that. For the first time in years I felt sincerely okay with the way things were. I wasn't hiding anything. I wasn't afraid. He said be honest. That's what I was doing.

Smiling in that moment was all the honesty I could ever show him.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all, so sorry for the prolonged delay. I believed the summer would bring me more time, but I was mistaken. However! I'm now in college (yay) and while my schedule is busy, I'm still going to find time to write. This chapter may seem a bit odd and abrupt, but I simply needed to progress things a bit. Thank you all so much for hanging in with me and I hope you enjoy!

Even though I agreed to come back to school, I didn't actually leave Jake's until almost two weeks later. The cause of returning: not my choice entirely. If it was my choice, I wouldn't have returned home at all. I still didn't feel okay with just going back. I was probably overreacting, but kicking me out was something I never thought Bro would do. He of all people should know how that feels. And Jake was generous and understanding. He actually cooked on a regular basis and would give me almost anything I could ask for. I knew it was a burden for him to keep me hidden here, but I was thankful and I think that's all he needed. He was a man of his word, and to my knowledge never let slip to anyone that I was living on his couch and in his kitchen.

But in the end, he didn't have to be the one to let it slip. As always, the world liked to play against me. It was a rainy Monday and I had slung on some shorts and a shirt after taking an extra long shower. I opened the door to let the steam pour out and thought indifferently that I never liked that the bathroom opened into the main room of the apartment- but suddenly that thought turned into glass shattering and my nostrils flaring as I tried to keep breathing.

My arms had been rubbing my hair dry with a towel, but they stilled when two heads were turned to me; one apologetic, one furiously confused. To kill the silence, I hiked up one side of my  mouth.. "Sup?" I offered casually, but it only added the fuel needed to start the fire.

"What the hell?" Bro whipped his head to Jake and repeated himself only to be met with a subtle shrug. Confusion grew as he looked between us and drew out another uncomfortable silence. "Has he been here the whole time?" He finally asked to which neither of us wanted to answer.

"He asked me not to say anything-"

"Like hell he did." He interrupted as he stood abruptly. "Are you fucking kidding me Jake-"

"Don't be mad at me. I'm not the one who kicked him out."

"No, but you- you know I've been looking for him. And to think that-" He paused, bothered greatly by another thought. "You've been lying straight to my face."

"I made a promise-"

"So his promise is more important than not lying to your boyfriend-oh that's real great."

He shook his head with a frown. "That's not what I said-"

"This has made it pretty clear that it's the truth."

"No it isn't."

"I've been worried for almost a month that he had gone off and died in a ditch somewhere. And he was here the whole fucking time. I can't believe this." He lifted a finger like it was supposed to make his statement more meaningful. "I can't believe you."

"And what exactly would you have done if I had told you?" Now Jake was standing, the same pissed off tone to match the expression. I couldn't say I didn't feel awkward being the cause and the onlooker of the argument, and I felt like I should do something- but what could I do when it would all eventually fire at me anyway?

"I would've come over here and brought him home."

I opened my mouth with rebuttal, but Jake had me covered.

"Do you think he would've gone back? You were kind of an asshole." _It's true._ "Not even kind of- you _were_ an asshole. Why would he come back after you kicked him out like that? He didn't have anywhere to go but you didn't even care. You complain about how irrational and irresponsible he is, but what do you call that? Was throwing him out rational? You act like you're so different, but you're the same." He was red in the face- clearly mad- and I had caused all this trouble that I had never meant to. I didn't want to drag Jake in. I had never intended to turn the two against each other. I guess I was just glad someone had my back in all of this.

"We are not." Was his only response which made me angry enough to toss the towel into the bathroom and step up for myself.

"Yes we are."

He turned quickly, snapping that finger at me instead. "I'll get to you later-" He tried to turn back slowly, but I hurried to catch his shoulder as he began to start back at Jake.

"No. Jake isn't why you're mad. I am. It all goes back to me. Yell at me, not him." Jake backed down a bit, giving me that same sympathetic look he always did. "Why should I let him defend me when I am right here, fully capable of speaking for myself?"

"Dave-" Jake started up, but I shook my head.

"You should go to your room." I added without removing my eyes from my brother's. I didn't want their arguing to get in the way of my own arguing. It wouldn't help anything. And to my surprise, he quickly scuttled away and left us staring at each other in silence. Face blank, he reached up and slipped his shades away from his face. I could see the anger flaring up in the narrowing of his eyes and the dip in his brows, but after years of fighting, I'd achieved the ability to appear slightly calm even when he was eating holes in every wall I could build. To anyone else, I would've seemed fine, but he could notice the slight tremble of my hand when I reached up to remove my glasses as well. I lifted my chin in a pathetic attempt to not seem terrified, but he already knew. He was already growing a small sense of pride in how scared I was of him in this moment. I hated him for it.

"You've been here the whole time." He began with his mouth contorted into some frowning smirk.

"Where else was I going to go?"

His face dropped. "Rose's, John's, Jade's; there are plenty of places."

"Roxy can't keep a secret if her booze depended on it, John can't be near me for more than a few hours without freaking out because he's suddenly afraid he may catch the gay, and I haven't talked to Jade in almost a year, but you wouldn't know any of that because you can't go more than a  day without  yelling at me- and I'm sorry that I don't really like being yelled at."

"I'm only try-"

"I know. You're only trying to help me. I fucking know, but you're help only made it all worse. You just wouldn't leave me alone. And you yelling at me not to do things only made me want to spite you more."

"I wouldn't have had to yell if you would have just had a bit of common sense and stopped all the bullshit instead of acting like a little prick and throwing your life away."

I threw my hands up in a fake surrender and gave my best expression of shock. "Oh fuck, my bad! Didn't realize how easy that would have been. Boy do I regret all of it."

"Don't get smart with me." He said in what I knew was a hallow threat.

"I didn't even know I was capable of that." Dave, use counter. "According to you I'm just some stupid little kid."

"You are." The attack had zero affect. "Only a kid would think causing a scene like this would solve their problems."

"But you still don't get it!" I let out the shrill shout before heaving a sigh and pushing my hair back. "This isn't about you. None of this is about you. You may be the reason I'm here, but none of what I've done has been about you. You call me self-centered but- Jesus, you're just as bad."

"You're just lucky Jake's too nice for his own good."

"Why? Because he didn't leave me out on the street?"

"What was I supposed to do? You wouldn't listen to me or anyone else. I needed to teach you a lesson."

I gave a laugh and sneered back. "Yeah, you're  a great teacher. 'Here, go find somewhere else to live. Or die in the road; I couldn't care less.'"

"That wasn't the reason and you know it."

"Apparently not." I quipped quickly. "Please enlighten me to your prolific lesson."

"I needed to show you that you can't do whatever you want and expect everyone to be okay with it. I tried to tell you, but you never listened. I thought maybe I needed to be harsher, but even that didn't work. I was running out of options and I was just so furious with you. In that moment, I couldn't think of anything else to do."

"That's no excuse." I muttered as I turned my head away. "I'm your brother- not some dog that peed on the carpet on too many times. You say it was to help me, but that doesn't excuse the fact that it was a shitty thing to do. You don't throw out someone you care about- so what does that say about your opinion of me?"

He fumbled with his words for a few seconds whether out of not knowing what to say or out of anger I couldn't decide. He huffed and bit at his cheek before shaking his head. "I don't understand? Please. _You_ don't fucking understand."

"I think I understand perfectly. You've hated me for years. You even admitted it to my face. But what, now you're taking it back? I'm sure I haven't changed your opinions with all this. I'm expecting I only made them worse, right? Exactly how much do you hate me? More or less than you hate yourself?" His fists began to clench while his teeth ground together, but it brought me some sense of pride that I could pick at him the same way he did to me. It was destructive and unhelpful, but it's just what we did. "I mean since I am just like Dad I can't be possible of emotion or feeling can I? I'm just some heartless monster who fucks with other people's lives for fun, right?"

"I don't hate you-"

"Sure you do-"

"I don't." He snapped, silencing me with a single step forward. "And I'm not just being some shitty older brother. I didn't do any of this because I- fuck" He rubbed at his forward and shook his head again. "I don't hate you- I'm scared of you."

_Scared?_

"You're-"

"You fucking terrify me kid." His hand went into his hair as he sighed. "You're so hot headed and explosive. You take everything so seriously and immediately overreact about it. I was afraid to say anything for so long because I knew you'd freak and then I became so fed up that I didn't know what else to do but yell. It's the only way you'd ever actually listen even if you didn't want to. I knew you'd blow it out of proportion, but I was just so mad that I'd let you get that bad. You're so bitter and you're only seventeen."

"Am I going to have to live my while life in fear that I'm not going to be good enough for you?" I butted in with a fist full of my hair and my tongue pressing against the back of my teeth hoping he'd stop for just a minute. "I can't do that. I can't change who I am and no matter how much I wish I could, it's impossible. I expected you out of everyone to be understanding of who I am."

I didn't seem to help; he was immediately back to raging."Jesus Dave- every time I find you drunk, I'm scared that could be it. You express openly how self-loathing you are. I shouldn't have to be afraid that my little brother is going to fuck up so bad he can't fix it or worst case- he's dead. I just wanted to raise you to be okay, but I've started to realize maybe I wasn't good enough. Maybe it's my fault we're both so fucked, but honestly I hated thinking about you like that, but can you blame me? And I realize you resent me for it all- hell I wouldn't blame you if you hated me, but I was just scared it was too late. You're just so- fuck." He dropped his head and rubbed the back of his neck.

"I'm so what?" I urged, my fists tightening again.

He looked back up and almost seemed sad. I couldn't help but find it a little pathetic. "Dave-"

"Tell me. I've said it. Why can't you? I know it's what you mean; do you think not saying it out loud will change the fact that you think it?"

"You've become just like him." It was a flat statement that I knew he didn't want to say.

"You know," I pressed my lips together and nodded. "comparing me to him constantly doesn't do any good. So what if I'm like him? It's called fucking genetics. I'm tired of not living up to your bullshit standards."

"You don't-"

"Don't tell me I don't understand. You've said that enough. Also because I do. He was a horrible person and an even more horrible father, especially to you, but you can't blame me for that. I'm not him."

"It's just a matter of time the way you're going."

"If you would just stop and listen you'd realize I've changed. No drinking, no drugs. I'm doing well with my schoolwork. This month has been great for me. Bro- I'm trying."

"I just-" He trailed off, doubtful but somehow less angry than before.

"I'm not." I insisted. "I'm not him. I promise I'm trying. That's why I didn't tell you I was here. I've been working everything out on my own. And don't be mad at Jake - he was more of a help that I could have asked for. Every reason you could have to be angry  they're all because of me. And I'm trying to fix that. I promise I am. Just believe in me for once. Please."

"Fucking idiot." He gave a short laugh of an exhale. "I've always believed in you. It's kind of my job. I may have been furious most of the time, but that doesn't mean I didn't believe in you. Even with all this shit, I knew you'd eventually straighten up. I'm just glad it was before I had to kill you."

There was a small laugh of my own as I brushed through my hair. "Just promise me a few things. No  more fucking yelling unless I do something really stupid. No more comparing me to Dad 'cause that gets really fucking tiresome, and-" He looked at me with cautious expectation as I flashed a smirk. "-we have pizza for dinner. Jake wouldn't order me any. Says it's bad for me. "

Relief flooded through him as he dropped his head with a small twitch of a smile. "I think I can manage those conditions."

Before I could protest, he had stepped forward and drug me into him with an arm around my back. With a deep sigh, his face was against the top of my head. I couldn't even mind the fingers digging into my shoulder or his head holding my face painfully close to his chest. He whispered a quiet apology with a tight squeeze. Apologies and hugs were two things I had rarely ever received from Bro. I was spared affection in some obscure way to make me tough- that worked really well; I definitely was not an emotional mess for the past four years. At some point I had begun to hug him back, but by then we were both silent. We'd said enough- arguably too much. But unlike the other fights, this one seemed oddly cathartic. I was no longer angry; and it wasn't as if I had given up with fighting him. This time it had somehow worked itself out. Whether it was because I was finally okay with everything in my life or if we had simply had enough time to forgive each other, all was suddenly fine.

When we broke apart, it was with a deep breath. "Are you ready to go home?" He asked with the closest thing to a smile he could muster.

I gave a half-laugh added by a small nod. "More ready than I've been in a long time."

 

* * *

 

Surprisingly my return to school was less painful than I imagined it. It was like, insert cliché, riding a bike. Even though I had taken almost a month off, most people had taken little notice. Other than my teachers, I had been presented with few questions of my whereabouts. Rose had made up some story about me having a stomach infection that was somehow severe enough to keep me out of school. She had called me and attempted to fill me in so my teachers didn't get suspicious,  but honestly I could've cared less if they believed me or not. I did the work, that's all that should really matter. And I had actually been doing better than I had before I left. Being in an apartment all day really gave me time to actually think about the work. Though without Rose teaching me half of it I probably would have failed it all. Other than them, I got a few people asking where I'd been and I promptly told them Rose's made up tale. Funny enough, I'd never spoken to over half those people before. Sure, they were in my classes, but I never interacted with them. I guess it was only natural for them to acknowledge me after I was gone. Still, their fake sympathy meant nothing more than if they hadn't noticed at all.

However, it did give me the rare opportunity to talk to Jade. While she usually only gave me a small wave or a passing hello any time we wound up walking by each other, that day she actually sought me out. It startled me when out of the blue there was a loud bang on the table that almost made me drop my lunch before she leaned over it and stared at me with that ridiculous smile. Whenever I did talk to Jade, she acted like nothing ever happened, like she had never stopped talking to us in the first place. It wasn't like she ignored us, she just found different friends. I can understand that, but sometimes I missed her, no matter how annoying the bubbliness got. I used to be slightly bitter about how quickly she had left us, but  now I had come to terms with it and acted like I was never mad. She seemed genuinely concerned that I had been gone so long, but then again she easily bought the made up story. Two years ago I probably would have told her what actually happened, but I got the feeling she didn't want to sit and listen to me complain for  the rest of lunch. Upon hearing of my illness, she gave me a concerned look before apologizing and wishing me well. She left me with a pat on the back and a kind smile.

That was the last actual conversation I had with her until graduation.

 

John, on the other hand, wouldn't leave me alone after I got back. Our conversation had done more than I thought. He seemed completely okay with me now. The friendship was back to like it was Freshman year, easy and light. He started eating lunch with Rose and me again almost every day and it never seemed like he was only doing it because he felt an obligation. It's not like he abandoned his other friends, but that he wanted to spend time with us again. It made me unbelievably happy to have him back as a friend, but it brought so many unwanted troubles. It was like I couldn't focus anymore. Just as our friendship had returned to the way it was, so had I and he was always on my mind.

Lunch was distracting. Having him sit across from me and laugh at anything and everything the way he used to. That bubble of a chuckle that would make anyone else look ridiculous and childish but for him was just so- John.

Gym was terrible. Having him insist to guard me in basketball to where I could feel my knees bump the back of his legs and his back constantly pushed against my chest.  
Classes were unbearable. Having him sit in front of me and occasionally scratch the back of his neck or turn his head to the side to follow his eyes on the teacher while I kept staring at him chewing on his pens.

I wanted to stop myself, but I could never pull my eyes away. Lunches uneaten, balls stolen right from my hands as I lost the dribble, notes untaken because I was just so enthralled in the reminder of him being there, knowing everything about me; how I felt, what I'd done, knowing how badly I cared. It did something that made me get those ridiculous feelings all over again and so much worse. The worst feelings that caused my fingers to twitch and my mouth dry were kept deep in the back of my mind where they festered and made my thoughts turn foul. I didn't think about him often in ways that made me cringe and hate myself, but when I did, I kept them confined to the wrinkles of my sheets and the walls of my shower. They were few and most days I'd be fine, but occasionally I could feel my hands get hot and my teeth biting at the back of my lips to try and stop my pulse from freaking out. I'd gone from foolishly crushing on him to hating the thought of him to running away from the idea of "love" and finally landing on a mixture of all of them.

I can't say I didn't think about when I kissed him as a feared but somewhat fond memory. It was idiotic, rash, terrifying, destructive, fucked up, all of the above- but _god_ did it give me a thrill I'd never felt before. I've kissed plenty of people, done more than I'd like to admit with plenty of people, but the feeling of doing something I'd wanted to for so long held satisfaction like nothing else. When John thought about it, if he ever did it was probably with a cringe, but it still forced me to take a deep breath and try not to get the urge to do it again. It inhibited my sense of rationality just as it always had, and yet I still found it much easier to be around him now that he knew. It wasn't like we ever talked about it, I knew it still made him uncomfortable to think about it, but I at least had the comfort that he accepted it and didn't completely shun me. I never expected him to do that- though I never knew exactly how he would react. It went somewhat how I thought it might, but the backlash of us ignoring each other was still a bit surprising. More than we both kept it going for so long. Sure, it was only about two months, but still. That's a lot considering we still called ourselves "bestfriends". I can attest that we are once again the most bestest of best friends for life forever, but before I had come back we certainly had acted like nothing more than acquaintances. Even if he did constantly distract me with pointless errands and force me into situations with his friends in which I would idly stand in the back ground and not say a word, I would rather take that over not talking to him at all. Clearly, that went well. Even if I had to follow him and his little posse around like I belonged when everyone knew I didn't, I do it, as always, because it was for him.

And the rest of my senior year was as uneventful as the last three. They were more enjoyable on the account that I actually had a stable life and mind back. Even without many friends, I made it through with a mind that was almost fully intact. Classes, though boring as hell, were easy and I did better than I had been doing. Most of them were just filler classes that I hadn't taken before because I was focused on the main ones.

John convinced me to take a photography class second semester which I had first resented, but it gave me an excuse to pull my camera out of the drawer it had been stuffed into for years. It wasn't difficult, but John insisted on seeing every one I took which admittedly was a bit uncomfortable. It was good he was interested, right? Even though I wouldn't say I sought approval in anyway, his interest and constant encouraging helped. I had never seen photos as anything personal, but when you take them yourself and you're proud of them, it's like they become your art. I gained a new found respect for photographers and I realized that it's much harder than just buying a fancy camera and pointing it randomly. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would- even enough so that I sometimes carried the camera around in case an opportunity arose. And like so many other things, I had John to thank and to keep me once again holding on to my hatred of how he could somehow make even the simplest of things grand.

And so my last semester was, as said, uneventful, but still the best I had; so said by most seniors who can think only of the magical world of college to come in the fall. For me college had always seemed like something I could think about but never actually achieve. There were times when I couldn't have imagined paying for it- especially any of the ones I wanted to attend, but like always, I underestimated Bro. I admitted to him one night that I understood if we couldn't afford it, but he simply gave me one of his all knowing grins and explained how he had already enough saved up to at least start me off. He hated the fact that he didn't have the opportunity to go any sort of higher education. He told me that ever since he realized how that felt, he wanted to make sure that never happened to me no matter the financial situation. Said he'd been saving a little from each paycheck at the random jobs he'd held over the years and put it aside just for me. I was instantly grateful and altogether apologetic of how I had always acted so unappreciative. But even though I had the financials sorted out, the more important aspect was my ability to actually get accepted. Luckily it turns out, getting into college depended less on all around perspective and more on your ability to bullshit an essay to make them think you deserve to go there. And it turns out, I could do just that. And on a hot day in early April when I was sitting on my couch with an acceptance letter in my hands I had never been more simultaneously proud and terrified in my life. Bro had come up behind me and landed a hard smack on my shoulder and congratulated me with a rare, warm smile.

Yet it still didn't match the odd happiness I felt when my phone buzzed with a picture of an identical letter with a different name from John. I thought back to when we had agreed to stick together even through college, and I thought of when I had abandoned that hope. I remembered that afternoon, sitting across from Vriska when I could barely hide my happiness with the veil of hatred as John assured that we were still in it together and that both our horizons were still set on Boston. But even that didn't match the joy of tossing my cap into the air with the shouting of my classmates and knowing I had finally made it through four years in that hell hole to a place where I could actually see light again in my future. And even after that, none of it compared to a twisting of fear and excitement and adventure and intimidation while standing in the barren space of a dorm room with nothing but boxes marked with shipping labels and bags that held my life. Somewhere down the hall I heard the faint familiarity of John's shouting as his dad on the street and I couldn't help a smile. I dropped a backpack on a bare bed and flopped onto the plastic covered mattress. Staring at the ceiling, I enjoyed the momentary silence just before Bro came in with a final box and dropped it with a thud at my feet.

"Better hurry up and get unpacked. I can't leave until your done and I'm not exactly looking forward to the four hour flight back." There was a hint of displeasure in his voice, but it was very badly hiding the slight sadness of our parting.

I sat up with a small chuckle and nodded. "Yeah, yeah, pretend all you want. I know you're going to miss me."

He fell to a sitting position beside me and slung an arm around my shoulders. "Never said I wasn't going to." We fell into silence before his hand lifted to ruffle my hair. "Y'made it kid. I'm proud of you."

_I'm proud of you._

_Thank God, I made it._


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello after another two months. It's not much, but it's what I could muster up in the breaks of my constant flow of homework. Hopefully this will ease the pain of that update a bit sheesh. I hope you all are doing well and that you have a wonderful Halloween!

Shortly after getting unpacked, Bro had left me in a silent room to put everything away. Silence. That was until there was a rapid knocking at my door. I was enjoying having time to myself. The move was a bit hectic, especially after trying to get all the packages I had shipped here. While the quiet would be misses, I didn't mind all that much to swing the door open and let John in. He was all teeth and jitters, pushing past me and going straight to sitting on my bed.

"It's the same as your room."  I commented idly.

""Not really. Looks like you have a lot more useless shit-"

"Hey I-"

"And your roommate isn't here yet." His eyes went to the empty bed on the other side of the room before returning back to me.

"Yours has?" I moved to continue unpacking boxes as he nodded and followed me with his eyes.

"Yeah-" He paused. "Well, at least his stuff has. I haven't actually seen him yet." I made a small hum as I filled the small fridge in the corner with bottles.

When he didn't continue, I looked back at him. He was merely looking around aimlessly to which I shook my head a bit

"Really Egbert, it's the exact same room." In lieu of the events during senior year, John and I had come to a mutual agreement than our rooming together probably wasn't the best idea. To avoid any discomfort or possible blowouts, we opted to play the odds and each get a random roommate. But I guess that didn't stop us from constantly coming into to each other's rooms anyway.

When he didn't reply again, it triggered a cough in the back of my throat. "So what's he seem like?"

He snapped back in and sat up straighter. "What?"

"Your roommate. His stuff is there, so what's he seem like?"

"Normal I guess." His eyes scrunched momentarily. "Tough he does have a lot of computer shit. 'Lot of monitors and wires. From the look of it, it seems like he's already been here a bit."

"Sometimes you have to. Early classes, reviews; pointless in my opinion, but if you have a shit major, I guess they make you."

"Says someone who has no clue what they 're doing."

"People change majors an average of three times- not like you do anything other than gen-eds freshman year."

He chuckled with a sound on his throat that made me scowl.

"Don't spit made up statistics at me. That's not going to help you decide anything. Just listen to Bro and become an astronaut."

My lips curled into a sneer as my shoulders hunched. "How about I change my major to shut the fuck up."

"Pretty sure your egotistical sarcasm would make you fail every class in that." I made no effort to reply knowing all well that the impending silence would instantly bring him discomfort.

I was correct.

Within thirty seconds he was patting his knees with his hands.

Forty five seconds he was clicking his tongue.

One minute he was tapping his feet.

One-

"You know I was kidding."                                                                            

A small smile of achievement graced my face as I nodded and shut the fridge. "I'm aware. I was just practicing for my first class of 'The art of shutting the fuck up.'"

"Probably won't work out for you in the long run. It's hard to find a career in that apart from being a mime." When I shrugged, he chuckled quietly to himself before beginning quietly, "I just thought of something-"

I looked over my shoulder with a small "Hmm" but he was too busy grinning.

"-What ever happened to making music- now what was it you used to call yourself?"

My jaw clenched and my face fell. "Drop it Egbert."

"No wait, I think I remember."

"John, no-"

Despite my completely unamused expression, he grinned even wider, holding back his laughter to merely whisper, "DJ D-Stri."

"Goddammit I fucking hate you." I spat under my breath as I furiously began shoving things into drawers. He just laughed through it all despite my heavy set scowl. "Whatever dickweed- at least I didn't go through a magic phase like you and start calling myself 'Dave the magnificent'."

"No, you just thought you were magnificent-"

"Because it's true. And I still am."

"-but I don't care because magic is cool."

I turned toward him with a quick "pff" and followed it with, "It wasn't even magic. It was just you wearing that dumb as shit beagle puss and creating new ways to make people trip and fall down."

He nodded proudly and added a snort of laughter. "Pranking at its finest."

"Pranking? Covering the kitchen floor in cooking oil isn't pranking."

"You're only mad 'cause it worked."

I touched the scarred bump on the bridge of my nose with a sneer . "I'm mad because you broke my fuckin' nose."

"The doctors told you a million times it wasn't broken you fucking baby."

I turned back and glared down into the half unpacked box. "They don't know anything. It hurt like a bitch- I'm sure it was broken. Sure as hell bled enough."

He blew out an indignant noise, "Believe whatever you want, but I'm pretty sure doctors know what they're talking about. I am also pretty sure that it was hilarious. I don't think I'll ever forget Bro repeatedly calling you a little pussy shit and oh god, how much you cried-"

"I didn't cry."

"You cried."

"I was like eight!"

"Irregardless, you bawled."

"Okay, there may have been a few many sniffles of lost pride, but I sure as hell didn't _bawl_."

There was a moment of silence, a quiet noise escaping through his nose, and a laugh. "You bawled."

"I really fucking hate you."

"And yet we're both here together, a thousand miles from home."

"Doesn't mean I don't hate you."

"I think it does."

"Check again- cause I do."

"Do not. You love me." He mocked with another laugh.

It was a common phrase. An argument that had been repeated between people countless times. It was a completely joking manner, and usually I would have- well, anyone would have- let it slide by, but he stopped laughing suddenly and cleared his throat. We could have let it go, forgotten that it meant anything different in our situation compared to any other, but no. He had to make it uncomfortable.

"Oh, I'm-"

"Just let it go John," I replied forcing a laugh that I'm glad sounded sincere. "Shit, I'm not _that_ sensitive."

Gladly, he recovered and began chuckling again after a pause. Not sure where to go from there, I kept unpacking until there was a loud thud from behind the door. We both stopped, looking at it with sudden surprise. The doorknob was being jiggled with the attempt of pushing the key in until it finally clicked and the door opened.

Who I could only assume was my brand new roommate was holding two bags over his shoulder, headphones in and sunglasses still on. He tilted his head forward and held my direct line of sight. It was always unsettling when anyone attempted to hold eye contact, considering most gave up and settled for flicking their eyes over the general area of my shades. But this guy- if I could even refer to him as such while he was probably one of the shortest people I'd seen on campus thus far- he knew exactly where to stare with a certain evident disdain as if he had already decided that he hated me.

John had turned around as a reaction to the sound of the door while I raised a hand in a three finger wave and a nod. He gave a click of his tongue as he pulled the headphones from his ears and pushed the glasses up into his hair. Something about him already pissed me off and yet I couldn't quite define it. He held the same apathy for strangers that I did, but the bubbling anger of his ego gave him a certain, punch-able quality. John's eyes skirted over to me as he grinned in this apprehensive, apologetic sort of way. I shrugged, clearing my throat and making a noise that half resembled an 'uh' but was closer to a sigh of indecipherable sounds.

"Yo-" I quickly glanced back to John when my voice uncomfortably broke the silence with a slight crack. "I'm Dave."

He had walked over to his bed and was pulling things out of his bags when he stopped, glancing at me over his shoulder. He remained silent, only a sigh escaping. I wasn't used to being the one offering the social gestures, but I was still surprised when I didn't even get a response back.

"I'm John," came from beside me with a slight laugh before he continued with a, "and you are?"

And that pulled yet another sigh out before drawing with it a mumble. He looked at John this time and offered the fakest, most belittling smile I'd ever seen.

"Karkat."

And that  greeting was about as friendly as he got. John only forced a few more words out of him before he accepted his loss, got up, and went back to his room. That left the two of us alone in a silence I would usually be happy with, but this time I felt too uncomfortable to even turn the tv on once I was done unpacking. Instead, I settled for distracting myself with my phone while lounging on the bed.

He cleared his throat once, hardly noticed, cleared it twice, noticed but ignored, three times and my eyes lifted. He was staring straight at me again, sitting up on his bed with his legs crossed.

"Where are you from?"

Odd question to be the first words spoken in a good hour, but it was progress at least.

"Houston-"

"Figures." He added quickly and swung his legs up before pulling his phone from his pocket.

"Figures?" I repeated.

His eyes came back over like he was annoyed that I had kept talking. "You're wearing  a jacket and jeans."

I hadn't  thought anything of it, but with another look, I noticed he was in shorts and a t-shirt which was arguably the opposite of my  attire.

"It's cold." I justified, but his face scrunched up.

"It's like seventy-five."

"Cold compared to the face of the sun."

He didn't even bother to offer a response other than yet another sigh as he looked away.

"Well where are you from then?"

He took his time answering, replying without moving his attention from his phone.

"Michigan."

It was almost an innate response to lift my hand and point to it, but he shot a glare before I could say anything.

"For the love of God don't ask me where on the fucking mitten."

I simply raised my other hand with it in surrender and leaned back against my pillows adorned with a small smirk.

"What's your major?" I asked in some attempt to seem like the nice guy here even though after his shit storm of happiness I couldn't give two flying flapjack shits.

My common courtesy was met with another long pause before he decided to answer.

"Undecided."

"Same for me."

"Congratulations."

It was as if with every sentence, he was already deciding the response that would end the conversation the quickest. It eventually made me give up and let him be content with the silence.

And from just the few words he said to me, I could tell this was going to be an absolutely _amazing_ year.

 

* * *

 

 

By late September, I had been through my first set of exams with a surprisingly small amount of all nighters that involved Rose flicking flashcards in front of my face until I could recite the chapters backwards. I ignored the slight disappointment in some of my scores and focused on the better ones instead. As always, John did exceptionally better than I could even hope to do and he wouldn't let a single chance slip to remind me of it. It didn't necessarily bother me, but then again I'd always been a bit jealous of his innate intelligence. I guess it was a give and take for his utter lack of social knowledge. He may be able to outsmart me in almost every subject, but at least I know when to shut my mouth- well, most of the time.

Besides the tests, I was even less prepared for how _fucking cold_ this damn arctic of a citybecame. Sure, I expected it to be kind of cold, but Christmas in September was not what I signed up for. John, of course, seemed right at home and only mocked me when I bundled up to my nose in both clothes and complaints. Mornings would find me at my most bitter; feet tapping the shivers away and fingers drumming against cup after cup of coffee to replace whatever warmth I could. I had spent the past week or so with tissues in my pockets and a handful of medicine everyday trying to fight the damn colds away. I quickly came to the conclusion that the north was trying to kill me (John assured me I was just being a baby, but really, which sounds more plausible?)

The mocking never stopped either. I saw him on a daily basis now, we went out for dinner most nights, and it always seemed like we had never had any problems. It helped that we didn't talk about the past few years. While it occasionally felt like we were trying to ignore everything that happened, I wondered if there was any other way to go about it. Talking about it led to fighting or uncomfortable tension more often than not, so why force it? It'd come up in time- whether that was good or bad- well I didn't really think about that either. We went about our lives the only way we knew how. We hadn't had that many awkward situations, and I was sure that letting everything out was the best decision I had made in a while. At least now I didn't have to hide and watch everything I said and did. Even if it wasn't what I wanted, what I had was better than nothing.

I mean, I still loved him- I couldn't deny that much, but it wasn't so much the love I'd once had. Now it was like taking a shower in scalding water because you love the burning even if it hurts. Or drinking coffee in the summer because even though you're sweating, you want to feel the comfort of the warmth in your chest. Loving him was like hugging a cactus and not caring about the spines; destructive in every way possible but it was familiar and the addictive. Even still, it had simmered down from what it once was. It was no longer a fresh wound with salt constantly being scraped against it- it was a faint ache in my gut that pushed against my lungs every time he laughed. Every grin made me subconsciously swallow and breathe through the aching. I was dealing with it and it didn't control me anymore. I wasn't as scared as I had been because I didn't forget about it, but it wasn't something that drove me crazy. Every now and then it would pull at my pulse and force me to acknowledge it, but I managed. He kept his distance and I could thank him for that. He knew what made me uncomfortable, and I knew that all of it made him uncomfortable. So we ignored it and I was okay with that. It wasn't that I didn't wish for something different, I just knew that wasn't an option at the moment. I had learned that pain was better than no feeling at all. I was just starting to like that dull churn in my stomach and the burn in my throat every time I decided to smoke him out of my head. As always, I was perfectly content with my self-inflicted misery.

Rose still teased me though. Not always verbally-sometimes simply through knowing glances and timed laughs she knew would make my fingers dig into my palms and force me to keep my tongue at bay. She was a good sister, as good as she could be at least, and she usually let me complain all I wanted to her just like she always had, but she was still who she was and that entailed her motherly instincts and self-righteousness to kick in. She'd lecture me about how hard I was making my life- how I should just give up and move on to which I would remind her that the two are not synonymous. Giving up and moving on doesn't work because they're not the same. She sees things as if moving on is a choice. It's just something that happens. I could easily chose to give up and that would be that, but in no way could I force myself into moving on. I think she forgets what happened last time I tried doing that. And she wasn't even the one drunk all the time. Though of course when I tried to explain it all, she'd become tired of the "rambling" and shut me up with another reason why I was wrong. I was almost always wrong in her eyes. I tried to avoid any topic that would cause her to lecture, but I was beginning to believe she brought them up op on her own for that very reason. I know it was all for the best, but she never quite understood my reasoning.

And some of it I think she did just to annoy me. Like point out when I was "staring too intently at John", or when my comments got a bit too "self-centeredly apathetic", or my personal favorite, when she repeatedly would point out guys with the comment "how about him". She always said it with a certain chuckle that pricked my skin. She was always joking but she still knew how much it bothered me. It wasn't like I was opposed to dating anyone, and it's not as if I couldn't recognize when someone attractive passed by, but it annoyed me how she brought it up. I understood my love life was more than a joke, but I expected a little sympathy from her. Then again- I was pretty sure she was some sector of asexual or pretty much a- anything considering her utter lack of interest in any person besides me- and that alone was barely a morsel of human interaction. I guess she had friends, but I had not seen nor heard very much of them. I explained to myself the rare occasions of her not being a pain in my ass as time in which she was spending with those people. If I ever asked about them, she would laugh and claim they weren't the kind of people I'd enjoy. Considering how little I enjoyed having around one psychotic narcissist(not including myself), I couldn't imagine a whole hoard of them at once. But she was doing better than I was so I couldn't say anything despite how much I wanted to.

Friends had never been a strong suit of mine. Between the bitterness and inappropriately timed, and often not funny,  jokes, not many people stuck around long enough for the nametag "friend" to even be considered. They were all mostly labeled "someone to chat with before class", "polite smile when passing", "wave across the street if lucky", but more often than not "what was your name again". I'd always been the kid who could count his friends on one hand, and I'd always been fine with it. It was just becoming different when my friends made friends that threatened to cover me up. I wasn't likely, but that didn't mean I didn't fear it occasionally. Of course I'd always have Rose and Bro, you can't really lose your siblings all that easy, but Jade was pretty much a lost cause at this point, especially considering she was half way across the country,  John was there but it still wasn't the same, and I guess Jake could technically be called a friend, but he acted more like my big brother than anything. As much as I secretly wished I was, I wasn't the best at making friends. My brain usually expected strangers to be assholes and automatically made me act standoffish and rude. Only people dumb enough to keep trying actually made it to friend territory. And even then there was a slim chance I'd be capable to go a long time without pissing them off enough to leave. Considering my best talents were wallowing in multiple types of pity and turning every sentence into something sarcastic, should I really be surprised? And thinking like this didn't help, but it was the only thing I knew and I wasn't the type to learn my lessons easily.

Most of the people I met didn't even make a large enough impression to even stay in my memory. Few seemed important enough to pay attention when they were telling me their name, so I simply went through the motions of being friendly but forgot them as soon as I went more than a day without seeing them. All but select people escaped my mind and I could never have retrieved them if I tried. One of those few however stuck rather nicely. It wasn't as if I knew him, but more that I saw him so much that I seemed to remember his face over most of the others. I knew nothing about him other than the fact that we had three out of my six classes together and he never seemed to be paying attention in any of those classes. That and the fact that he had an utter lack of care for his appearance or if he wore the same striped shirt four days in a row. Maybe it was weird that I'd noticed something like that, but occasionally my mind mused any thought it could other than those about the class I was in. My wandering attention had been unnoticed for the most part until one day when I was noticed right back.

I had seen in a passing glace one of the first times I began to take not of his common presence that his eyes were quite peculiar. Maybe others wouldn't notice from a simple glance, but eyes had always been the discerning trait of many people for me. Eyes told a lot about who you were and showed exactly what someone was thinking in that moment. I'd always been so guarded with my own that when it came to others, eyes were something that I looked to first. And his- they were unlike any I'd seen in person. While sure I'd seen them online in my extensive research and self-diagnosis of my own, that glance was the first time I'd seen such drastic heterochromia face to face. But to my dismay, this one day was just more blatant staring to appease my boredom from not caring about how to correctly write a paper. Unlike normal though, my thoughts distracted my reflexes and when his glance went from the professor to meet mine, I kept staring without registering my flight reactions. Though it didn't take too long for them to kick in. Soon enough, I was sitting up straight and removing my chin from my hand with a small choke on the air in my throat. I looked back to the board quickly, knowing there was no way of saving myself from that but also not daring to continue staring any longer.

And after that awkward afternoon, I kept seeing him everywhere. He never seemed to acknowledge me all that much until a wonderful morning when I found myself between classes with a scarf up tight around my neck and the dull taste of smoke slowly replacing the remaining tinge of that morning's coffee. At this point, I had been admittedly been living in delusion to make myself feel better. At first, I was truly convinced that stress was a solid reason for smoking. There are stress smokers that function perfectly fine without constantly giving in to the devil on their shoulder. And when it became a more than occasionally type of thing, I simply repeated to myself that I had a lot of stress- constant stress more like it. Still completely fine. But now, well _now_ all the reasoning I had was gone and yet I still found myself sucking down smoke and a sprig of mint from a capitalized killer made popular by deception and propaganda. Eight dollars a pack topped with a mindless chant of God Bless the USA and Joe Camel, one smooth character. Then I would inwardly smirk to myself because _damn_ I was clever enough to actually deceive myself out of the blatant fact that yes- I had become addicted just like every other naive drone of a teenager trapped in their mundane lives that they think can be fixed by looking cool and giving a big fuck you to authority.

My eyes closed, both regretting and disregarding every second cut from my life as I breathed in the warmth of my give and take of headaches, rapid heartbeats, and wheezing. They would have stayed closed too if it hadn't been for someone clearing their throat a little too close to my very large personal bubble. One eye peaked open and then the other, both setting into a squint at the cloudy yet still bright sky.

There he was again, all arms and legs and moppy hair. He offered a half smile that looked more like an attempt at seeming just slightly more than apathetic.

"Care to bum one?" He asked as if he already expected me to say yes. He only assured that thought by extending a hand and tilting his head a bit. "Dave, right?" Like remembering my name would persuade me to give him one. I mean, it did a little because fuck if I knew his so I had to give the guy a little credit.

After a brief moment of fumbling, I pulled a cigarette from my pocket and begrudgingly handed it over. I half expected him to take it and go, but it was just my luck that he didn't move an inch before pulling a lighter from his pocket and lighting it between his lips.

"Lighter but no smokes?" I noted, my eyebrows lifting of their own accord.

His cupped hands moved from his mouth back to the pockets of his hideous jacket. "Guess I lost them."

With an inattentive hum, I looked elsewhere in hopes he would leave. Boy did I jump for joy when he didn't. Instead, he blew a stream of smoke straight back at me and moved to my side.

"You look exhausted." He commented blankly as if he wasn't capable of saying anything pleasant or even courteous considering we were practically strangers.

"I always do." I replied  absently, but it made him crack an uncomfortable sounding hiccup of a laugh.

"I didn't peg you as a dramatic one."

My head shuttered in slight confusion. "I'm not dramatic. It's just how I look."

"Do I look exhausted?" The question came in the middle of me speaking and my tongue pushed against my lip in annoyance. Even so, I sent a small glance his way and attempted a one shoulder shrug.

"Not really."

"Well I am." He said quickly, muffled slightly by the smoke between his lips. "But you don't see me complaining while I'm slumped against a wall."

My face twitched and my mouth curled. "I wasn't complaining- you're the one who brought it up."

"Because you don't know how not to look exhausted-" _The fuck?_ "-because maybe then people won't bother you- then people will think 'Oh he doesn't look so good. We better not say anything. Let's just leave him alone'."

I pursed my lips before sighing through my teeth. "So why don't you do just that?"

"Because maybe those people just want someone to notice their imposed, mostly by their own doing, misfortune. Maybe they think if they finally look as tired and  loathing as they feel, people with take note and ask them about it."

"But I don't-"

"Acknowledge how shitty they appear and think better about their own well being. Or maybe it's because you just want people to pity you as much as you pity yourself. Like you deserve their pity because, oh poor you, you're having a bad week, month, year, etcetera. --And you see, if you have time to deliberately make people think about you and how your problems are affecting you- you have enough time to  not look so shitty. And yet those people never notice, do they? They just look right over you like your pond scum on a rock in the creek they used to trudge through as an uncaring child." He took a long drag, ending it with a twisted smirk. "But you don't care. You still act like you have so much shit going on that you can't even bare to get enough sleep and consume more than coffee, pizza, and smoke to not make yourself look so _goddamn_ miserable." He popped the cigarette back in his mouth and spoke around it. "And that pisses me off."

I watched the smoke falloff his words and disappear into the cloudy fog as my eyes scrunched and my lips curled back. "So, I piss you off?"

"You piss me off." He affirmed as he pushed off the wall. He started to step forward and I pushed off a bit after him but caught myself.

"So that's that? You show up, get what you want, insult me, then leave?"

He stopped but didn't look back. "I didn't show up, this isn't fiction. The wall your splattering your too cool for school image on is where my- _our-_ next class is. Next, I asked for this by the way and you gave it to me without a word. And I wouldn't have to insult you if you didn't think no one could see through your little indifferent ruse. Take it not as an insult but more as constructive criticism. But finally, I guess I am leaving- however you're welcome to join me. No?" _He didn't even give me time to answer._ "Too bad. See you in class cool kid."  With that, he walked on down the sidewalk and left only a quiet laugh and a lingering trail of ash.

With a sneer and a click of annoyance to his back, I fell back against the wall with two thoughts: who the fuck is that guy, and who the _fuck_ does he think he is.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the support and kindness (: I'm going to try my best to be more productive and not wait another 5 months again (I didn't realize it'd been that long I'm so sorry jeez)

To no surprise, that guy never left me alone. Found out he was a computer science major named Sollux, suffering through gen-eds  like the rest of us. Any time he saw me, he'd be right by my side running of some spiel about something I couldn't care less about. Usually it was some sort of social rant that I would occasionally realize was from my exact point of view, but I never voiced my opinions in fear it would only encourage him to talk more. But in the end it didn't really matter because he never stopped talking even if I didn't say anything. Half the time we would walk somewhere and go different directions at the end without me even giving him a simple sound of acknowledgment. Nonetheless, it never stopped him. He had moved himself in our class to sit right beside me and comment under his breath to me constantly. If it had been anyone else, I most likely would have tried to be more friendly to them, but this guy seemed off to me. Whether it was his sheer annoying and sardonic personality or my lack of personable skills, half the time I had an overwhelming desire to tell him to fuck off. But did I ever? Oh no. Even I knew that in some ways I enjoyed the fact that someone wanted to talk to me. Like he had so keenly observed, I wanted to be pitied and while he didn't do that, he still gave me the attention that almost every human craves. This is all coming from things he's spouted off to me, but in thinking about them more, I came to disagree with them less. So he stuck around for a good three weeks after that first confrontation, putting up with my standoffishness and pointing that very aspect out in mockery and criticism.

One afternoon after class, he stood up from his seat but smacked his hand down on my desk.

"What are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing with you." I replied as quick as I could while standing and slinging my backpack over my shoulder.

"We're exceptionally rude today aren't we?" He scorned and scuttled after me out of the row. I did my best to walk fast enough to lose him, but he was right beside me like always and had already begun on one of his self-entitled speeches. "-and you see, I think the fact that you already assumed that I was going to ask you to do something is just as bad as not doing anything. Your isolating yourself in both instances and once again seeking me to plea for you to accompany me to whatever outing I had in mind. Well tough shit cause I'm not going to-"

"How sad."

"-but instead I am going to state my offer once and if you don't want to, then I will leave it at that and not give you the satisfaction of someone begging you to grace them with your subpar presence."

"Fantastic."

He cleared his throat and did his best to grin. "That new horror movie came out tonight and I have no one to see it with-."

"I'll pass." My response was short and forced his half grin into a disappointed frown.

"And why not?"

"I thought you weren't going to beg."

"I'm not. I'm just asking why. "

"Maybe I have better plans."

"I highly doubt that with your level of an antisocial personality." I wasn't going to offer a response, but he didn't need one. "Right, so I'll see you then."

"You won't."

"Great." He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned to go a different direction but not until he back pedaled  and gave me an overconfident wink.

I hadn't lifted even the corner of my mouth for a response, but apparently no meant yes. Whatever, I thought to myself, it wasn't like he could force me to go. Little did he know, he wouldn't have to. I would go completely of my own accord. Exactly why, I could never convince myself of, but at least it got me out of my dorm. And it was harder to say no when he was banging on my door and threatening to call Karkat to unlock it- another thing I learned which made me dislike him even more. Turns out the two were peas in a pod, best friends for years despite multiple "I hate him"s from my dear roommate. I had asked him at one point why they weren't living together which ultimately lead to my life being blessed with his presence; but he said he had applied later and my room had already been set. Too bad, I thought to myself- I could have been saved countless encounters with that hostile voice and constant bitter expression.

From my room he drug me away happily to a movie theatre that was a couple blocks into the city. I sat through what was probably one of the most overrated films I'd ever seen; from its mediocre plot line to the underdeveloped characters I checked out about halfway through and settled for sitting with my arms crossed and staring at a screen that eventually went blurry through unfocussed eyes. I guess it was arguably still better than sitting in my room by myself, but he seemed way to into it. Why couldn't I be friends with people who actually knew what good movies were? I bet John would be reacting the exact same way. When I first met him, I would've have taken him for the baby that was always scared of these movies, but for him the more blood and gore the better. They were never really my thing, but then again most genres weren't. Horror was always too banal and overdone, action relied too heavily on expensive sets and explosions to cover up the simplistic plot, romance was just another string of one liners and spinoff of the thousands of years of courtly love with a knight and damsel, and comedy was one fuck show that I rarely could ever muster more than a slight upturn of a smile for. Watching movies with me was a heavy bore and probably frustrating for most people. In some ways it was good that John was my friend because no matter your own tastes, he was going to play exactly what he wanted, and when you enjoy little to nothing, sitting through shit like that is just another mundane pastime.

Despite how much energy it took to stay awake during the screaming bloodbath that unfolded before me, I managed until the lights came on and I hopped up. It wasn't all bad, but it definitely wasn't something I don't regret paying for. After the movie we'd walked down the street to the first place we saw that served food and sat ourselves down at a clean table. We had wandered into what appeared to be the closest thing to a diner they could get without actually calling it one. Sitting on fake leather seats with holes picked in them and my feet stuck to tile floors that hadn't been cleaned in too long, we ordered what anyone else would classify as shit diner food. Not a very appealing place for what could only be described as the most date-like outing with a friend I'd ever been on. I sure as hell hoped it wasn't a date, but he had never really clarified. I didn't expect him to say anything one way or another, but a little notification would have been nice. I'm not saying I wanted to be on a date- if anything I wanted the opposite. I could tolerate him enough to be called a friend, but in reality I couldn't stand half the shit he said. It was better than nothing I suppose. But no matter the intention, I just hoped he wasn't expecting anything ridiculous out of this.

"What'd you think?"

"Shoddy at best."

He wasn't fond of my honesty and scowled back at me. "Are you kidding? It completely went against every cliché trope that they could have played on and basically reworked the concept of the genre as a whole"

I choked back a scoff and settled for shaking my head. "Dude it really wasn't that great. I've seen far better movies than that."

"Are you kidding me? Finally something comes along that isn't part of the eternal shit storm of predictable romances or comedies with little to no actual comedic value and you denote it as _shoddy_? Who the fuck even uses that word? Do you not see how great this was?"

I took a bite out of my burger with a halfhearted shrug. "I'm sorry my vocabulary is more evolved than yours- but apparently I don't. Why don't you enlighten me?"

"You don't care enough to even listen to what I have to say."

"I'm glad you realized that before I had to fake my way through the conversation."

"Jesus Christ-" He sat back, angrily chewing a fry to mush. "I'm beginning to question my choice of an acquaintance. "

 _Acquaintance_. I thought about that for a moment. Still no indication of his intentions. It wasn't like I was searching for some hidden motive, but it would've been nice to have some sort of an idea. I guess I could just assume nothing and pretend like we were just hanging out, but if that was the case, why did I feel like I needed to look for something more? I couldn't help the fact that something about him made it seem different. I didn't really want it to be anything, but- in the least self-centered way possible- the flattery would be nice.

I believe he tried his best to forget about the anger centered around that topic, and switched to a default set by every conversation you have with someone new you meet at college. "-So why Boston?" He interjected into my thoughts, a fry shoved halfway into his mouth.

I came back from my mind's rambling only to shrug along with my passive answer. "Wanted something different I guess."

"I wish I could say as much." He replied. "I think I just went from the literal tundra that is Michigan to slightly less freezing my ass off."

"I probably would have gone somewhere else if it weren't for my friend-" I expounded slightly, "we agreed to go here when we were younger and I guess I just never thought about going anywhere else."

"I feel that." He sighed a bit, probably just a general reaction that he didn't even mean to do. "This place is about as expensive as I could imagine without wanting to cut my leg off, but I really didn't want to stay at home- despite what my mother desperately wanted."

"Yeah really." I said with a small chuckle, knowing how much Bro tried to hide the fact that he didn't want me to go. He tried to act as nonchalant about the whole situation, but before he left I don't think he'd ever given me as tight a hug; at least not one that I could remember.

"You got clingy parents too?" He asked repeating my slight laugh.

I moved my straw around in my drink, hoping he wouldn't go any further and make me face the awkwardness of making him feel like an insensitive person. "Nah, just my brother."

"What, did they really want you out that bad? I wish mine had been like that."

Instead of making the conversation anymore depressing, I opted for avoiding the situation completely and complying with a forced laugh and an attempt at a smile. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"I like it though." He muttered through a bite of food.

I made a face, scrunched up and impartial. "It's fucking cold."

"Like I said-" He swallowed. "I was living in, for all intents and purposes, Canada before coming here. Practically anything is better than that shit hole."

I shrugged. "I liked Houston. Even when it was hotter than hell I had more to look forward to than the icicles hanging off my nipples that I foresee happening this winter."

"Coffee, cigarettes, and lots of layers." He counted off. "That's how you can make it."

"Sounds more like a guide on how to be broke."

"We really should have thought about that before we picked up the habit, shouldn't we?"

"I don't think we're the best at thinking ahead."

He nodded in slightly reluctant agreement. "In most cases, yes." He pushed back on the table and stretched. "Either way, I can see why you'd come here. Karkat always wanted to, so I thought fuck it why don't I just come along and continue my favorite pastime of annoying the shit out of him."

I was to grimace at the mere thought of having to go back to that unhappy face after this. "How do you even stand to be friends with that guy?"

"You may be surprised to find out he wasn't always such a bitter cloud of anger."

"I can't see him being anything but that."

He smiled a little which shocked me because of the sincerity behind it.

"He's just one of those people that has random moments of not total rage. While most of the time he is a complete asshole, there's other times where he's actually rather enjoyable to be around." That smile had quickly turned back into a smirk. "I thought you of all people would understand that."

"I'm not outwardly rude to people on purpose." I argued quickly. "If I don't like you, I ignore you- I don't try to make you feel like shit for no reason."

"That's fair, but you have to admit both of your unexplainable hatred of human contact is similar."

"You can point that out, and yet you still force us to have contact with you."

"Everyone needs a little undivided attention. It's in our nature."

My unpleasant demeanor wasn't accepting any of his existentialist bullshit. "I already have that."

"Oh? From who? Your sister who you claim is even more invasive than  I am doubled with the constant judgment she places on you? Or this other friend you talk about but are seemingly never with for undisclosed reasons?" I stared back without a response which gave him the satisfaction he so desired. "Face it. I'm your only real friend here."

"If you're my only friend, I have a sad life."

A shrug. "You said it, not me."

"You have an amazing ability to ruin any chance at a pleasant conversation, don't you?"

"You've seen right through me."

"Charming."

He chuckled, glancing down at his phone before picking it up and replying to a text. "We should probably head back. I think they're closing soon."

I glanced down at my phone- 11:30. "That was a long ass movie." I picked money out of my wallet and tossed it to the table while he did the same with a snide remark.

"And you didn't even pay attention to half of it."

After we'd paid and left, we walked back to my dorm as he went right back to insulting my opinion of the movie. He was acting just like john, telling me why every problem I had with it wasn't a problem- it was actually what made the movie so good. You couldn't argue it because they would immediately dismiss it as a misinterpretation. Unfortunately, I couldn't end it how I usually did with John. For him, I would just give in and agree that I was wrong. But this time, he knew exactly what I was doing and said it was sad that I obviously didn't understand cinematic values.

This debate followed all the way until the elevator opened and we were walking down my hall.

"Are you going to follow me all the way to my room?" I spoke up, half joking.

"You wish." He replied, hitting my arm with his elbow. "But no, I live on this floor too."

I glanced over, a mixture of surprise and confusion.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at the time. "Why don't you hang out a bit more- what else do you have to do?"

I hesitated, feet faltering in front of my door. But he was right, I had nothing better to do and I'd rather avoid Karkat for that much longer. I sped up a bit to catch back up to him, but when he stopped in front of his door, my feet stuck to the floor.

"You've got to be kidding me."

He glanced back as he unlocked and opened the door. "Surprise"

I followed him in and looked around at the familiar set up.

"Your John's roommate." I didn't even attempt to pose it as a question, I'd been in this room too many times before.

"You know,  I'm actually ticked off he's never mentioned me." He slung his keys on his desk, obviously joking. "Then again I never mentioned him either- but that was because I really wanted to see the look on your face-" He took a moment to stare at me and laugh. "It was worth it."

I tossed myself onto John's bed, sprawling out with an arm over my face and one leg hanging off the side.

"Other than that stupid desire, were there more reasons why you didn't tell me?"

"It doesn't really matter, does it?" He replied while fiddling with what sounded like a drawer and papers.

"Not especially. More like common courtesy. If you know someone you tell them- isn't that how that works?"

"I guess with some people." He laughed with this awkward inhale of a sound that makes you want to simultaneously cringe and thank god that you don't sound like that. It seemed to just be the way he laughed and from the sound of it- something that didn't happen out loud that often. "Say- if you're such good friends, why aren't you living with him?"

"You're not living with Karkat."

"Yeah, but that was because of a technicality."

"Well let's just say it was that." He obviously didn't believe me. "Friends always fight when they room together."

He gave me a unconvinced look but shrugged in the end. "I don't believe that, but you're obviously not going to tell me."

"Believe what you want-"

"In all honesty, I thought you would have figured it out sooner." I stopped and brought my brow up a bit. "That I'm his roommate."

I picked my arm up to look over at him, but he had his back to me and was absentmindedly cleaning up his desk. "And why's that?"

He stopped only for a brief moment. "Did you not find it at all weird that I knew who you were when we had never spoken to each other?"

"Well yeah-" I moved up to sitting, legs crossing after I kicked my shoes into the floor. "But I figured I had just paid such little attention on the first day that every forced, awkward ice breaker and please let me tell you about my five cats or my amazing talents moment passed through one ear and out the other."

He half turned to look at me, pain written across the wrinkles of his brow. "You mean- you don't care about how I can write with both hands?"

"Please tell me that wasn't your interesting fact."

"I wish-" He turned back to what he was doing. "That'd be handy."

I sat in silence until he realized the true atrocity he'd just committed and only after his shoulders raised in another small chortle of that laugh did I keep going.

"Right, well either way- I pretty much ignored the creepiness of you knowing who I am and chose to not question it. And look at that- now I know."

"Now you know." He moved to sit up on his bed, back against the wall and gangly legs kicking at the side of the frame.

I looked around a bit, it all familiar to me from the many times I'd been in her so far. In some way it was fitting to match the person with that half of the room; up until that point it had just had a name with no sense of personability. In reality, I couldn't really see these two getting along all that well. Sollux seemed a lot more like me that he did John- at least in an apathetic and detached manner. Though I guess a lot of people would say John and I shouldn't really get along either. Maybe that's why it worked. He had never said anything particularly bad about his room, but then again he never said much about him at all. I wasn't really sure if they talked all that much- though he probably told him things he wouldn't have told me like-

"Where is he by the way?" I spoke up abruptly to which he snapped his attention away from his phone.

"What?"

"Ah-" I paused, "Do you know what John's up to tonight."

"Oh, he said he was going on a date or something- At least I think it was a date. I don't know really; he was kind of weird about it." Apparently my face had twisted in some way- I'm not surprised- because he trailed off with an uncertain tone. "What's that look about?"

My brows shot up and I feigned what ignorance I could. "What?"

"That was a pretty fucking nasty face bro-" And there came another snarky little laugh.

 "It wasn't anything-"

"Whatever, I'm glad he finally got a date. He's only been talking about this girl for fucking weeks. I hope he has the balls to stick it in so maybe he won't be so fucking wound up all the time." He met the grind of my teeth and my hum through pursed lips with a questioning tilt of his head. "Do you know anything about her?"

 I ran my hand over the blanket folded over the bottom of the bed. "Not in the slightest."

"From the look of it I'd assume you hated her-" I shrugged. "Or at least the thought of her."

"How could I if I've never met her?" I hardly tried to hide any emotion I felt towards the mere idea of this other person. That fact was seemingly surprising, but I felt he would find out eventually so why hide it? Maybe I'd have someone to complain to that wouldn't try to make me feel shitty like Rose did.

He accepted my apathy for all of about five seconds before narrowing his eyes at me. "Either you're mad because you do know her or you're mad because-" He stopped as if he hoped not saying it out loud would change the apparent nature of my animosity. He went slack against the wall while giving me a look of utter disappointment. "You don't- Please tell me you didn't the one thing no person should do." I hunched over a bit like the words were becoming heavy on my back. "You're an fucking idiot. He's your best friend."

My head fell into my hand that was propped up on my knee. "I know."

From the exasperated sounds, I could tell he didn't know whether to sigh or laugh. "And at that he's about as straight as a telephone pole."

I nodded. "I know."

"How long?"

"Like five years."

"Shit." He drug it out with a sympathetic sigh. "That fucking sucks."

"Oh really?" I picked my head up. "It's been pretty fun for me."

"Does he know?"

"Yeah," I sat up completely again and pushed at my temples a bit. "Told him last year."

"And how'd he take that one?"

"I don't know how well you know him yet, but the kid's pretty good at acting as if nothing's wrong when he's actually completely not okay." I gave a fake little grin. "So that's about how well it went. I thought we were fine for a while, but we were both really not good until- well pretty much until we came here."

I had some feeling he knew how this kind of thing went, but  remained quite impartial up until now. Much more than Rose would have ever been. At this point, she would have already given me an entire lecture about how I needed to change how I felt and how this was only going to end badly- which she was entirely right in saying, but this was still so much better."But you're good now?"

"As good as we can be." I replied with a deep sigh. "I still have obvious and apparently nonnegotiable feelings, and he is still ignoring that fact so he can act like we're just best buds. And apparently not telling me anything if you've heard about this girls for weeks."

"I would not be okay with that If I were you."

"What other choice do I have? I either act like I'm fine with it, or I lose my best friend. Trust me, I already tried the latter and it didn't work at all." There was a small laugh when I tried to think about the cluster fuck my life has become since that point, but I did my best to shake my thoughts out of there. "In fact, that was one of the reasons my life fell to utter shit."

He tried- and failed- not to sneer at my overly dramatic statement. "Your definition of utter shit being..."

"Privileged utter shit." I answered, noting that I was fully aware that my melodrama was still much better than any actual shit people had to deal with. "Ended up drinking  and smoking my way into a place where I distanced myself from the only friends I had other than my sister, and gained the tacked on name tag of self-absorbed, self-pitying burnout."

"And you've changed since then?" He asked with that damn laugh again.

"Fuck off." I cracked enough of a grin and shrugged. "I may still be those things, but at least I've sobered up. At least- more so than I was."

"Is that so?"

"I don't really do those things anymore."

"Too bad." I looked up at him still holding a small, cheeky smirk. "I was looking forward to having a possible smoking buddy."

"What made you assume that?"

He shrugged passively. "I just got the feeling." He tapped a finger to the side of his head. "Maybe it's the glasses." I didn't offer a reply to that, but he didn't exactly need one to get to the answer he wanted. "But just because you don't do it doesn't mean you don't miss it- right?"

There was a slight grind of my teeth as my mind fought with my tongue. Unfortunately my silence was a more convincing answer that any words I could have said. His grin grew a bit as he nodded. "That's what I thought." He rolled onto his side to pull a small bag from his night stand before sitting back up. Holding it in front of his face he pat the bed beside him with another hand. I sat still for a good amount of time, still battling with my own thoughts, but I eventually gave in and picked myself up. "Open the window while you're on your way."

I did as he asked, pulling away from the sudden gust of cold air in from outside. While in the day, the weather wasn't bad, at night it got relatively chilly.

"Aren't you worried about-"

"Taped a plastic bag to the smoke detector and stuffed dryer sheets in the vent- what else should I be concerned about?"

I glanced around and even if it was true, I still would have been too paranoid to do this more than every once and a while. "And John-"

"Do you think I'd tell him about this?" He chuckled a bit  and pulled a joint out from the bag. "I make sure I febreeze the shit out of this place afterwards.  I'm pretty sure he just thinks I really like the smell of clean linen."

"He's always been pretty oblivious. Especially to things he'd rather ignore."

He'd straightened up on the bed, sitting away from the wall but kept his legs hanging over the edge. By the time I had sat beside him and went back to having my legs crossed, he was already spitting a stream of smoke towards the window.

"It won't do much good unless you're actually over by it." I commented but he shrugged as he passed it to me.

"Hasn't caused me any problems yet."

Either from the quality or the fact that it has been so long, it seemed to take less time than usual for me to become uncharacteristically high.  Not quite shits and giggles out of my mind- more of a staring blankly at a wall and not really caring enough to move. He appeared to be feeling the same, but when I glanced at him, he continued to stare at me without a word.  His eyes were flicking back and forth like he was thinking intently about something, but I couldn't form any words to ask what.

His hand lifted off the bed a bit but stayed suspended and waited for his brain to work through the continued motion. When the gears finally began moving properly, he managed to keep moving. He tilted my head up a bit with finger on my chin and cracked half his mouth into a smile before leaning towards me. I brought my head back just enough for him to stop with a confused expression.

"Why?"

"Why not?" He answered quickly.

"You don't know me."

"I know you well enough." I still didn't move , but neither did he. "Is it because I'm John's roommate."

"No." I responded just as quickly as he had.

"Then prove it." His stereotypical response and grin did nothing but make me want to lean further away.

"Do you think daring me like that is going to let you get what you want?"

He still had his finger on my chin, but he had slid it underneath and tilted my face up. It was frustrating how much I could simultaneously enjoy and hate being around someone at the same time. I really hope this wasn't how being around me was.

"I'm not daring you to do anything."

"I object to that. Saying prove it is clearly making me feel obliged to show you something- and therefore it is in a way a dare."

"Fine." His sigh sounded exasperated but he was still grinning like a cheeky asshole. "I triple dog dare you."

"Oh shit- now I gotta." I replied, deadpan. "But seriously," I pulled his hand down from my face. "Why?"

He shrugged stolidly but finally let his face fall to its natural expression. "I wanted to."

My hand remained wrapped around his wrist that was settled on my leg. "Listen I know we've been having a good time and all, but I don't really want anything-"

"Please don't think this is anything more than it is." He interjected, suddenly seeming more serious than I had been used to. I looked up to find his brows curved to project a stern demeanor. "I'm not looking for a relationship if that's what you were going to say." Quickly, he lighted up again and leaned back a bit. "Can't one guy just kiss another guy without it being weird?"

"Society would say no." I replied, but he didn't even care to listen.

"Listen, I think we can accept the fact that we knew this was going to happen-"

"We did?"

"Exactly. So why not just let it?"

"So this wasn't a date?"

He laughed, louder than I was ready for which made my brows jump up. "Get over yourself. Who ever said anything about a date? Hello Mr. Conceited."

"I just-"

He popped his other hand back up to cover my mouth. "I'm kidding." My hand dropped his to come up and pull the other down. "It can be one if you want it to be- but like I said, I wasn't hoping for anything more than you were."

"Then prove it."

He looked straight at me again with a hint of surprise that quickly turned to gratification. Pulling his hand from my grasp, he planted it against my cheek and pulled me to lean towards him. I followed, but he stopped shortly so he could pull his glasses from his face. He gave me a look to ask me of the same but with the slightest shake of my head, he forgot the request and met me the rest of the way. The first kiss was like any other first you'd have with someone new; it was light and almost tentative but with some sense of purpose. When I didn't pull back, he went for another and they came one after the other until I lost count of the times the bridge of my shades pushed against my nose while I pretended it didn't hurt. I stopped thinking about it until he hesitated and abruptly quit.

"What?" I posed as breathless as it may have been.

"My neck hurts." He said with a small laughed, shifting back up against the wall.

I slid off the bed to stand up, and before he could form the words to question me, I was already back on the bed with my knees on either side of his leg. He looked up at me with an assured grin and a slight hum. "I'm starting to think you wanted this to happen too."   

"Yeah, and I'm starting to think this was the only reason you asked me out." My hand cupped the other side of his neck before I started to kiss at the other side.

He didn't even care enough to give me an immediate answer. He just sat there, leisurely splayed out with his legs far apart and his head back against the wall like letting me sit there and suck on his neck was a goddamn pastime. I swallowed my snide thoughts and tried not to cringe at how salty my tongue tasted. My lips paused to rub against each other, but even those few seconds were apparently too much of a delay and he knocked my leg with his knee in what I could imagine to be an impatient demand to continue. I masked my sigh as a winded breath that ghosted over the dotted red mark under his jaw and made him noticeably shiver.

He let out a laugh that began to shake as he pushed back against the wall. "Would you prefer me to lie about this being the only reason or make you feel better about yourself?" That response took long enough.

"What do you think?" I muttered against his skin.

He sighed quietly, looking quite unpleased with the track of this conversation. "You didn't even realize it was a date to begin with."

I stopped and sat back as one of his eyes peaked open.

"So it was one now?"

The other eye opened. "Technically- I mean, I suppose you could call it one."

I gave a small laugh at nothing more than my own naivety. "And does this happen on all of your first dates?"

"Only on the good ones." He seemed to be joking but no laugh or hint of a smile came with it. "Or at least the ones who let it happen. But you may be surprised, I don't go on many first dates-"

The more it was said, the more I disliked it and wanted to shake my head in disagreement. "This wasn't a first date."

He became noticeably confused, his face twitching into a scrunch. "So we're back to saying it wasn't one?"

"Sorry darlin'." I gained a bit of my smirk back before I leaned forward to whisper in his ear, "A first date implies I have even a tiny amount of feelings for you."

I earned a chuckle in response. "Too bad. We could've been prom kings." He sucked in a breath when my hands slid up underneath his sweater.

"Too bad I never went to prom."

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me. You don't seem much for group events or synchronized dances that everyone groans at only to cover up the fact that they all actually love them and wait for moment they come on to show just how embarrassingly characterless they all are."

I replied first with a quiet hum and a kiss to his jaw before cracking a grin. "And I bet you fit right in with them."

"Oh, I fucking _love_ those dances. Organized idiocracy is what really gets me going."

"You're an asshole." I mouthed in amusement and to that he smacked the back of my head. I reared back, but I was met with a grin.

"Then what does that make you?"

"I'm fully aware of the asshole I am- I was simply informing you if no one had mentioned it before."

He stared at me truly believing that I was serious. "Do you think I've never heard those exact words in multiple different tones and situations?"

"Doesn't even phase you anymore, does it?"

"Not at all."

"Why should it? They're just someone else's words."

His expressions changed just slow enough for me to notice as if he could hear something different beneath my words that he couldn't see in my face. Though, instead of saying anything about it, he (thankfully) chose to ignore his curiosity and entertain a more favorable interest. The hand that had smacked my head was now on my cheek pulling my face forward again. His grin faded into some sort of slack determination as he kissed me repeatedly. This continued on for a while until we both needed a little break to catch our breath. While at first I was content to keep my forehead against his shoulder, my mouth had other plans that I wasn't entirely okay with.

"Hey."

I could feel his chest moving and vibrate as he replied with a hum, his eyes closed as his head lay back against the wall.

"I don't really know why, but I feel like I need to make it clear that I don't do this sort of thing often. Not like I think this is weird or anything or that it in some way means something- more just that I didn't want you to think I didn't at least feel like we're some sort of friends- Really all I'm saying is that I was never really expecting some stranger to come up to me and act as if they knew everything about me. I get that in some ways that's how you make friends, but we're not the most sociable people. I especially didn't expect something like this to happen. I'm not exactly objecting it, obviously, but I'm not used to it either. It's probably just the weed making me say it- fuck it I don't even know what I'm going on about. I don't really try to explain myself very often. Also I never really have many people to explain things to. That's also another point that I wouldn't really bring up if I didn't assume a sort of friendship here. It's like-"

"Oh for Christ's sake shut up." He had his hands on my sides and his finger dug into my shirt which made the words stop right before passing through my lips. "Do you ever stop talking?" He grunted while he wedged his leg under me and pressed up- _hard_. The next few words were cut off in an embarrassing gasp that would have made them squeak to an end if I hadn't had as strong a grip on my tone as I did. With my knees planted solidly into the bed, I settled down with an experimental twitch of my hips. I gave an open mouthed sigh against his shoulder while my hips set into a slow rhythm down against his bony as fuck knee.

Fuck my composure.

Fuck my dignity.

Fuck his coquettish grin.

Fuck everything in this moment because I couldn't care less about any of it.

Fuck him more than anything.

"Thank god- that's better than the shit storm of rambling that was happening." He tried to laugh at me, gain the upper hand by seeming like had the control- tighten the hold he had on my hips like it didn't suggest he was just as lost as I was about what was happening. With the slide of my knee up against his zipper, I put him in the same situation. Whether he liked it or not I wasn't going to be the only embarrassingly desperate one here. I needed someone else to feel the burning shame of being like a pubescent teen who had never been kissed before. I hated the humiliation and the foolishness and the uncomfortable chafe of my jeans and the fact that I couldn't help but know I was going to regret this- but _god_ had it been a while. I knew something like this coming from no emotion other than years of my own hopeless could in no way ever end well. It wasn't as if this would damage any sort of friendship we had just created, but more than it would make my own self-image plummet into the realm of, apparently, meaningless hookups with someone I'd known for about a month- and _fuck_ did it remind me of the very version of myself that I had been trying so hard to escape. But I was falling right back into my old habits and no matter how good the temporary feeling was, there was always that part of me that was screaming against how foolish I've always been.

 I had forced myself to block out any sound to cease the endless embarrassment and instead focused on the constant breathing on my neck and how uncomfortable it made me feel. It was a little gross- considerably everything about this situation was gross but inebriated me wasn't going to pass it up. I lost track of time as I kept at it and shifted every now and then when he tried to kiss my mouth but always gave up and just sat there. I was perfectly content with my shameful actions until there was the click of the lock that I barely noticed until the door creaked open and light flooded in. Just like that, everything came to a silent halt and every thought in my mind was replaced with a constant repetition of shit and fuck me. My pleas were answered as the world and my luck once again fucked me over even though I could really only blame my own stupidity.

"What the fuck Dave?"

God _dammit._


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short but it's something. I wish everyone good luck on their finals and on the end of the semester :) As always, thank you all for your lovely comments and encouragement

After I took a few beats to work through just how fucked over I'd just become and let the rising shame and regret calm me down, I regained what little composure I could muster and slid from the bed to stand.

"John-"

"Dude what are you even doing? I don't see you, let alone hear much from you in weeks and _this_ is what has been occupying your time? Should've known that hanging out with your best friend wasn't quite as fun as feeling up my roommate."

"Hey-" Just that was enough to spark my defensiveness back into full force. "This was the first time I'll have you know and besides it doesn't matter."

There was a muttered suggestion of "Should I leave?" from the corner, but we both shot it down with a no immediately. Neither of us wanted to validate how unnecessary and childish this was going to be by excusing any witness from the embarrassment.

"I really think I should." He began, and for the first time since he'd come in, John's eyes weren't boring holes into my forehead.

It was like a switch was flicked off and suddenly his face was back to its normal, soft friendliness. "You really don't have to, but if you want to-"

"It's his room, why should he leave?" I put in quickly as if it was some way that would make him more in the wrong for walking in so abruptly.

"It's my room too," And the glare was back. "so really the only person that isn't expected to be here is you which coincidentally brings me back to my first question: what are you doing here?"

"Do I really need to answer that with a dignified response?"

"No matter what response you give me to explain this, I can guarantee it won't be dignified."

The corner of my mouth twitched into a sneer but I was already too exhausted at this point to even try to bullshit my way out of this one. "I mean it was pretty clear."

He opened his mouth to rebut, but he stopped short and took a deep inhale that caused his face to scrunch. "Did you guys smoke in here?"

 Before we knew it, the door was shutting and our attention was interrupted for a few seconds before I silently cursed him for leaving me alone in this now ten times worse situation.

"That doesn't matter either." I replied calmly.

"No, it really does."

"And just how does it matter? How does it specifically affect you?"

"This is my room!" He all but shouted , quickly calming back down as to not cause anyone else to be alarmed. "If anyone was to get in trouble it would be me."

"You weren't even here."

"And _that's_ what doesn't matter. Here or not I'd still get in trouble."

"He does it all the time and no one's noticed."

"I don't care! I thought you would have more sense than to do that here. Really, I thought you'd have more sense than to do it all."

I chuckled slightly in my own frustration. "Please don't get all high and mighty for being Mr. Sober All the Time."

"That's not what I meant."

"But it's true."

"Hardly." He couldn't help but gain a small sense of pride. "It's possible that you're not the only grown up here anymore." It was a clear stab at my ego.

"Then why criticize me?"

"You don't exactly have the best track record with these things."

"Are you implying I can't handle myself?"

"All I'm implying is that I thought you could do better than start this shit again."

"One time isn't going to start anything."

"Sure you can say that but-"

"And so what if it starts again?"

"Do you really want to do that shit again? Was driving your social and academic life into the dirt not enough of a wakeup call to not do it again?" I gave no immediate response which just added to his growing pride. "What do you need to realize it's bad for you?"

"I need for you not to nag me about it."

"I'm only trying to help." _Of course he'd play that card._

"By guilting me against it? Or forbidding me from being friends with someone?"

"I never said you couldn't be friends with him- you just can't fuck him." It almost took me aback to hear him speak like that. While he'd never been one to hide his opinion, he never seemed comfortable cursing  or even seeming in any way vulgar. It was almost depressing to think that a change had to have occurred between us for him to justify talking to me like that.

"Who ever said anything about that?"

"It didn't exactly have to be said. Your intentions seemed pretty clear to me."

"It's not like I went into it being like yeah, I'm gonna bang that guy- you might surprised that I'm capable of actual friendships sometimes."

"Yeah, you have a good list going between me and your sister." He wanted to regret it immediately, but at the same time knew he also meant to say it. "You're doing a real good job at bringing that list down to one, but we can always get to that later. For right now I want to go back to what was happening here."

"Dammit John, what do you want me to say about it?"

He pushed at his nose before resetting his glasses. "Just- _why_?"

"Why? Because I wanted to? Because he wanted to? Why does why matter? It doesn't even affect you."

"Yes it does. He's my roommate."

I took a moment to stare at him in exasperation. "And? What 's bothering you about that? The fact that he's your roommate, or that fact that it was happening in your room?"

"Both. You wouldn't like it if someone was making out with me in your room."

Exasperation quickly turned back to frustration. "That's kind of an unfair statement. You know I'd be bothered by that far beyond because it's in my room.

"And can that not be the same for me?"

"So what? It bothered you because it's a guy?"

"No." He was quick with that one but then thought about his next few words like he was trying to decipher just exactly why he was mad. "I'm bothered because that guy happens to be my best friend." Was what he finally settled on.

"I call bullshit one that one. You've never been alright with this. Just because you ignore the fact that I'm gay doesn't mean it stopped being true and it doesn't mean that sometimes I may- oh no, cover your ears kids- kiss a guy."

"I'm telling you that's not it- and don't ignore it-"

"Sure you do. It was obvious it made you uncomfortable at first, and so you resorted to ignoring it and pretending like nothing was different."

"Maybe the whole gay thing wasn't what I was ignoring. I'm not that much of an asshole."

"What exactly were you ignoring then?"

"Maybe the fact that you admitted you loved me only after forcing me to kiss you." He bumbled through the words, wringing his hands subtly as he talked.

"I told you long before that."

"Yeah, well maybe I was okay with it until that point." He did his best to calm down and not say anything he would regret. "Sure, it was a little surprising, but it's not like it's uncommon. But then you did that and it, apparently noticeably, freaked me out."

"It was like a year ago. Does it really still bother you?"

"Yes." He blurted.

"Excuse me for being honest after years-"

"That's not what I'm talking about."

Despite how calm he could remain, I was having a little bit more trouble in that aspect. My voice was loud and stayed that way. "How many times to I have to apologize for being an idiot and doing that. I realize that it was not the best thing to do in that situation, but I didn't know what else to do."

"Just because you didn't know doesn't mean I don't have the right to still remember that you did it."

I let my, admittedly, jealous side get the best of me with the next comment. "Right, but speaking of kissing, how was your date?"

"How did you- don't change the subject- who told you-" He was stunned a little but recovered quickly. "Sollux- that bastard"

"So he's a bastard for telling me something you obviously were hiding from me?"

"I just thought it'd be weird-" He paused in the middle, still working through all of his thoughts. He was so meticulous when it came to arguments; never saying anything unless he thought through all of the possible consequences. It truly made battling him like this a challenge.

"Why's that? Why would telling your best friend about some girl he's dating-"

"It was one date."

"-be weird? Of course it wouldn't be because of the thing you're "totally okay with"."

"I am okay with it." He reassured with great emphasis, eyes wide and voice loud. "I just didn't know if you'd really want to know about this kind of stuff."

"You mean kind of like you probably not wanting to know about this kind of stuff?"

He began to speak but stopped. "That's different."

"Hardly." I replied quickly. "Only different because on one hand you're the one who doesn't know anything."

"No, maybe because I actually know the guy- but you could have told me anyway."

"And if I told you, how would you have reacted?"

"Exactly the same as I am now." He said pointedly.

"It shouldn't affect you."

"You're so fucking contradictive. I have to tell you about who I'm seeing, but you don't have to tell me?"

"No. I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react like this."

"Exactly!" He burst but quickly settled back down. "I knew you'd react negatively so I didn't tell you."

"I wouldn't have."

He gave a great sigh and pushed his glasses up into the bridge of his nose. "Fine, so I'll tell you from now on. But you have to tell me too."

"So you can be against it like I apparently would be?"

"I wouldn't be against anyone except him. I don't want you getting involved with him."

"Why?"

"Once again, he's my roommate. And also kind of a sleazy asshole."

I managed a laugh at that point, smiling out of sheer amazement that we could argue about so many things at once. "Hi, my name's Dave nice to meet you too."

"You're better than him. And if you haven't realized that yet then there's just one more reason for me to not be okay with it."

"At least he actually gives a shit."

"Like hell he does. I doubt he wants anything more than what you were going to give him."

"He's been more of a friend to me than you have lately."

His brows dipped down in an expression of sadness, but it couldn't faze me in the slightest. "Maybe if you talked to me then-"

"And I could say the same to you." I dismissed it immediately which flipped his sad setting right back into angry.

This allowed multiple quick responses to be fired back and forth. Those ridiculous responses were as follows:

"Bullshit, I've tried plenty of time to hang out with you."

"Yeah, and it's always with your dipshit friends."

"I thought maybe you'd get along with them."

"Maybe I don't want to hang out with them."

"I can't be your only friend. That's not- You can't just-"

"What? It's not normal? Like anything about me ever is."

"That's not what I meant. I'm just saying you should have more than one friend."

"That's exactly what I've been trying to do, but apparently my choice in friends is not allowed anymore."

"I would be fine- happy even- if you were friends with anyone but him. He's the laziest person I know. Let me please reinforce how much of a rude, self entitled asshole he is."

"Funny thing is, I'm pretty sure you have used all of these words to describe me at some point, so in most people's minds, he would be the perfect friend for me. So let's be real here and get to the real problem here. Once again I ask you this because you never really answered me last time; is the problem _really_ with me being his friend, or is it about what we were doing?"

"I've already-"

I cut him off as quick as I could, my tolerance for any excuse he could spew running exceptionally thin. "No, but see, I seem to think there's a deeper issue here."

"You know I don't have a problem with that." He put a hand to his forehead and pinched his eyes shut. "We literally just went over it."

"You've always been pretty good at trying to hide what you feel behind what you say, but just like me, you're not very good at it."

His eyes quickly opened back and his hand was flung to his side. "I may not be comfortable with it, but I swear to you it's not a problem. I don't know what I have to do to make that clear to you. Surprising as it may be, I'm not against you like you think everyone else is. I don't fucking care if you're gay or straight or having some crazy orgy- all I care about is that you aren't friends with people like that. People that enjoy pissing people off and pointing out their every little flaw until they hate themselves as much as they do. And you can say you're like that, but I know you're not. You're a good guy whether you like it or not. I know you make some shitty decisions sometimes, this night included, but genuinely you're not as bad as you make yourself seem. Isn't that why you hated high school so much? Because everyone thought you were such a piece of shit even when they knew nothing about you? Do you really want that to happen all over again? Because you're doing a real good job of it. Hanging around people like that isn't good."

"And yet just like it was, that's the only kind of people that want to hang around me."

"It's because that's how you present yourself. If you would just act how you do when it's just me or Rose plenty of people would- but you can't seem to let down that apathetic facade even for one day. I really didn't think you were that scared of other people not liking you- you actually go to the point of not even giving them the chance." He ran a hand over his head, tugging at his hair a bit. "And look, I know this is coming off really assholeish, but it's something I know I need to say. Because you can't keep pulling this shit and expecting me to be fine with you not even making an attempt to act friendly towards me. Because even though I know we're still friends, it'd be nice if you acted like it some time."

"I know."

"Then why do you keep doing it?"

"You just don't fucking get it. Everyone always likes you. You don't have to try. It exhausts me when I try to act friendly. It's so much easier to assume that no one cares because really not many people ever have. Yeah, maybe I get that if I tried people would like me but that would require always trying. One day maybe I wouldn't want to do that; maybe I'd snap at them one day and then what? They say wow what an asshole I thought he was our friend. And that would be the end of that. While you seem to be a natural at being easy going and friendly all the time, I'm just not like that. You're my friend because you're not affected like other people are when I get pissed off so easy. You just brush it off and keep going- or you do this. You get so pissed off that you yell at me and make me realize what a little shit I'm being. And that's why we're friends- that's why I can't help how I feel-" My hands were curled into fists so tight that it hurt and my shoulders brought up high enough that they were almost touching me ears. "I get so tired of making people try and like me. That's why when I found someone who hated me as much as I make myself hate me, I wanted to keep them around. I know he's an asshole, but at least I don't have to try and make him want to be around me."

"What are we doing?" He spoke up after a good deal of just staring at me as his forehead contracted and relaxed in thought. He didn't even want to offer me a response to the shit storm I spewed at him. He knew it wouldn't do any good.

"Apparently we're fighting."

"Why can't we just get along? We did it so easily when we were little."

"And then we grew up and became assholes."

He tried his best to laugh, but what came out didn't sound right. "You'd think we'd get along then."

"We've always be different kinds of assholes though. You've never been as rudely blunt as I have. Yours was always a humorously cheeky kind. Either that or you just get hot headed. While I'll admit I'm just as hot headed as you are if not more, mine always manifested in a passive aggressive manner."

This time around his exhale did actually manifest into a laugh. "Is there anything that you don't over think?"

 "It's a talent."

"Seems like you take pride in a lot of negative qualities."

"Better than hating myself for them."

"No of course not. You simply just think up reasons to hate yourself."

If I could have smiled and made him feel bad about that comment, I would have. Instead I was left to reply in a more agreeing manner. "One of my other famous talents."

"Not something you should be proud of." He was never a fan of my sarcasm.

"Who said I'm proud of it?"

His arms crossed over his chest, chin lifting just enough to insinuate the already apparent condescension. "You seem pretty smug about it."

"I wouldn't say smug, or proud, or happy- just accepting. You should accept yourself and I think I've done a pretty good job of that over the years."

"I'd have to disagree."

"How? I know everything about me. People have always told me I'm so easy to read even if I don't think so. Well, if I'm so easy for everyone else to figure out, I must be a pretty simple person. And from what people say, I'm kind of a shit guy, but then again I should thank them for helping me figure out who I am and just what about myself I should hate."

"You say that, but you don't accept it. You can accept that that's how people think of you, but you know that's not true. It's never been true because you deny every word of it. Denial, passive aggression, and pity are your favorite mechanisms of manipulation-"

"So now I'm manipulative on top of everything?"

"Yeah, you kind of are. Everything always comes back to someone attacking you. It's never 'yeah, okay maybe I should change that about myself' it's 'fuck you guys, you don't know me, you just think you know me'. You never try to change, you just blame everyone else and paint yourself as the victim."

"At least I don't act like an angel and make everyone else feel bad because they're below you."

"When have I ever-"

"You don't even realize that you do it. I could point it out and you still couldn't tell. It's just something wired into you. You were the kid everyone loved and doted on and now you're practically an adult that still wants to be a spoiled little Daddy's boy."

He stopped and glared until his mouth curled down. "You know what- fuck you."

"Right, right. Fuck me. Because that's what's going to make it not true. Don't deny it, no, because that's my job. So yeah, fuck me, that'll fix everything."

I could see the anger building in a way that he didn't know how to vocalize. If he was violent he would've punched me by now, but he knew better than to do that twice. We were supposed to be friends, we were supposed to be happier here. He knew he couldn't do that ever again because it meant more than just a punch if a best friend did it. It meant so much more to do it twice. But he couldn't handle how angry he was. No one had ever tried to make him this angry, no one knew how to. I took a slight pride in knowing him well enough to insult him at the very base of his insecurities, and I'm sure he felt the same about me. It seemed plausible that that's why we did this, but in truth, I never figured out why we fought like this. It was so counterproductive. We never got anywhere. We just yelled and took jabs until someone got too pissed to keep going. And I could sense this was how this fight was going to end too.

"Blame me for everything. It's always my fault, isn't it? Isn't that what you tell yourself to make everything okay?"

"At least when I criticize you, it's for your own benefit. You just do this to be rude."

That of all things took me by surprise and actually left me without words for a good bit.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me. _My_ benefit? What would have benefitted me was if you had just turned right back around and left when you first came in here. Nothing you've done or said for a hell of a long time have been for my benefit." He tried his best to interrupt me, but he hadn't quite mastered rebuttals yet. "I don't care if you think they were or not, I'll tell you right now they weren't. To me, my benefit is what makes me happy and nothing about you has made me happy for a while now."

"Then why?" He managed to get in by shooting his voice up almost to a shout.

I stopped, flinched back slightly and then continued. "Why what?"

"Why still be my friend? Why not just tell me that and then we'd both be better off."

"I'm not saying I don't want to be your friend. I'm just saying you could be doing a better job of it."

His arms flew up and then fell back to his sides in a shrug then a smack. "Well how the fuck am I supposed to do that? You don't like it when I'm not around, you don't like it when I tell you my opinions, what am I supposed to do?" I let the pause linger too long before his face started to twist up. "Believe me, I want to stay friends, why wouldn't I? But you have to give me some slack here. We're really different people, but that's why we've always been such good friends, we never get bored of each other." All of his features sagged, defeated and confused. "But lately I can't tell if you even want to be my friend." I could feel myself curling in despite my best efforts. "I don't want to have to keep trying to entertain you, so if you don't want me around it's really not that hard to say so."

"That's not-"

"All you have to do is say so."

He finally let the silence sit between us. I took the chance to take a deep breath. "I'd never want that."

"Then why try so hard to make us hate each other?"

"I thought things would be different when we came here." I started off slowly. "In high school you always had your friends from sports or everything else. I never wanted to take you away from them. I thought when we got here things would change. Maybe you wouldn't have those friends- or at least not so fast. But Christ was I wrong. You have so many friends, and I'm glad for you, but it's happening again. I can't fit in with them. Even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to. But I can't just tell you that you can't be friends with them. That's childish and selfish. " Another deep, surprisingly shaky, breath. "I don't want us to hate each other, but I also don't want you to pity me or feel like you _have_ to hang out with me. I figured if I ignored you for long enough maybe you'd realize you're better off that way and it'd be easy like how painfully uneasy ripping a band aid off is. But obviously that didn't work and it just kind of spiraled into more bad judgments and actions."

"It's not like I could just say goodbye like that after pretty much our whole lives. It never crossed my mind." His hands were ruffling his hair and then one went to knead the back of his neck. "I just thought you were mad at me for something."

"I think I made myself be mad at you. It was like I realized I shouldn't be mad at you for being yourself and meeting people like you always do but-" I sighed and shook my head a little. "I never wanted to be mad at you."

"Are you still mad at me?"

"Surprisingly now that you've yelled at me- not so much." I tried to draw a hint of a smile out of him, but it was to no avail.

"I can't help that I like having a lot of friends."

"I know." I said back but he didn't seem to hear it.

"I can't help that you don't."

"I know." I repeated, but that time he gave it a nod of acknowledgment. We shared a deep sigh before I moved to sit with my back against the bed and my elbows on my knees. He took a bit to organize his thoughts before I heard his deep breath.

"If you know that then answer me this;" He paused briefly. "why were you _actually_ upset about me going on that date?"

His expression was so sincere completely lacking of the judgment and harshness it had early. It made me feel defeated even as my muscles tightened in resistance. "You know why I was upset." I decided honesty was better than defensiveness this time around. He hadn't wanted to hear it, but he knew the reason just as well as I did. "That doesn't mean you can't talk to me about it."

He was quick to speak up at that one. "But I don't want you feel uncomfortable-"

It was a courteous but completely useless condolence. "You can't avoid that." His shoulders slunk more, but I waved a hand. "But that's okay. I've dealt with it and I'll keep dealing with it."

"I feel like a piece of shit." He muttered absently biting at his lip.

My head fell to rest against my arms as I nodded. "So do I."

"Why is every argument we have so ridiculously redundant?"

"Because we're stubborn and we don't let anything go." It was mumbled into my lap, but he heard it well enough as me walked over to sit beside me.

"We're never going to get past it are we?"

"Apparently not anytime soon."

He briefly nodded along. "I think we can agree we're both in the wrong in our own minds. So I guess we should at least try to accept that and move on."

I picked up my head but refrained from looking over at him. "How should we go about doing that?"

"I do my best to get over whatever weirdness I have with all of this," He motioned his hand between the two of us. "in turn for you trying to be more accepting of other people. Maybe come to a party or two with me. There's no forced interaction there. You can just stand there and not talk to anyone and no one will think anything of it."

"Fine-"

"Great."

"-but, you have to agree to something else too."

"What?" His voice respected how tentative he should be, eyes cutting over at me.

"I'm getting you trashed one night."

"Trashed." He repeated back with no hint but all the intention of it being a question.

"I've never seen you drunk." Relief visibly went through his bunched up features. "I'm guessing it's pretty fucking hilarious."

"I hope it's more hilarious than when I've seen you drunk."

I scoffed a bit and knocked my knee against his. "You've only seen angry drunk Dave- not angry drunk Dave is a lot more fun I promise."

"I hope so." He admitted honestly.

"So, it's a deal?"

I stuck over my hand which he gladly accepted in a firm handshake. "Deal."

He finally graced me with that toothy grin that immediately let me know we were okay. It faded a little but not completely as he relaxed back against the bed frame. He spoke up quietly and tapped his shoe against mine. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah." I let my head fall back against the bed and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry too, kid."


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY. It's been way too long, I know. Between school and work over the summer and the past semester I found little time for writing, but I'm finally done with this chapter!! I can't make any promises on when the next one will be out, but I'll do my best. I hope this will make up for so many months of me being slow and procrastinating. (It probably won't woops) I'm so sorry for such a long wait but I hope all of you have a lovely holiday season! Happy Thanksgiving

"What are you doing over winter break?" Were the words that intruded my sanctuary of pretending to study while in truth I was just staring at the wall and clicking my pencil against the desk because anything was better than actually studying.

I could see out of the corner of my eye that John's head was poking from behind my cracked door with a grin. Eyes flicking back to bore holes in the mess of paper before me, I slowly shook my head.

"I don't think I'm going to be alive long enough to make it."

"Please," He blared as he threw the door open and swung it shut behind him. "Your exams aren't going to be that bad."

"Says the smart one." I muttered, but he was too busy throwing himself on my bed to hear me and ultimately deny it.

"I'm going to ask again in hopes that this time you'll care enough to grace me with a response-" He sat up, legs crossing. "What are you doing during winter break?"

Giving up on pretending to be productive, I spun myself around and leaned back in my chair. "Going home probably. I haven't exactly been back in a while and Bro's pretty dependent on my overwhelming outward affection and doting."

"While I know that's a lie, do you really think he'd mind if you didn't go back to Houston for a bit?"

"Prolly' not. But where else am I to go? Not like I can stay in this shit ass dorm all winter."

A grin was back, his eyes closing from his cheeks being pushed up. "That's where I come in. You see, my dad wants me to come back to Washington for a week or two before I head to Jane's. I haven't been back there since fall break and he seems to really want to see me. And-" He lilted he hopped back to his feet. "Since you've never been up there I thought I'd ask if you'd like to join me?"

Wait. Let's back up a few months.

After our inevitable and quite redundant blowout, I would like to say that things got better. In a sense I suppose they did but in comparison to how we once were, things were simply not as bad as they were at the beginning of the semester. There was some noticeable avoiding that lasted for about a week until we both gave up and chose being slightly uncomfortable around each other over acting like children.

I got an earful from Sollux both about trapping him in an uncomfortable situation, which I reminded him was partially his fault for not telling me of their relation in the first place, and also about how much of an idiot I was for trying to pursue any remaining romantic feeling I might have. I tried to assure him, and myself, that I was done with trying to do anything more than accept my fate as the pining best friend, but he quickly called bullshit on that. I really had tried to forget anything I'd thought and felt before in the months to follow but what little progress I made would quickly be torn apart by a single evening spent with him. I knew I couldn't simply abandon or suppress everything I felt, so I did my best to deal with it internally and never give anyone a reason to believe I wasn't okay with the situation.

As surprising as it may be, that went just about as well as I could have guessed. However, I managed to do a well enough job of suppressing everything to get our relationship back in good standing. And so, that gave way to the same mundane shit I had done up until finals came around. Then monotony became a constant flow of coffee, cigarettes, and praying that I wouldn’t completely ruin my academic career. John agreed to help me through most of them, but his help could only go so far. I expressed my concern to Rose and was met with an unsympathetic “you should’ve studied this hard from the beginning”. Nonetheless, I made it out alive with reasonably passing grades. After our last exams were over, I found John banging at my door and waving a piece of paper above his head. It was a packing list that he had written just for me and thoroughly insisted that I make sure to check everything off in the morning. To me it seemed completely anal, but to him it was a routine instilled by his top notch traveler father that should never be forgotten or underestimated. So I abided by his wishes, making sure to show him my marked off list the next day when he returned to drag me to the airport.

Rose wished me the best of luck to not screw things up during the week. Considering my lack of escape, I hoped for nothing but just that. I couldn't imagine that agony I would have to endure if we fought while I was stranded in an unfamiliar land. That just means I would have to try harder than usual to not say anything judgmental or passive aggressive which the more I thought about, the harder it seemed like it was going to be.

We left Boston before the snow started but not before the weather had gone from bearable shivering to ‘I think my legs are going to fall off it is too damn cold’. Being that John had never been very good at comforting people. He assured me it was going to be no better once we got there. So, I had packed up my heaviest sweaters and hopped out of the airport cab with a scarf up to my nose and my gloved hands shoved in my pockets. I was mocked for my overreaction to temperatures only in the mid-twenties, but I think it was a perfect response coming from someone who didn’t leave the house if the temperature dropped below fifty. I looked like a sickly old man who has the risk of his blood freezing compared to John in his jacket with no way to protect his face or hands. Every time he looked at me and snickered, I wished a little bit more that we would get stuck in a blizzard and his hands would fall off. Or that a big yeti would come and eat him because he was unprepared for the unforgiving winter wilderness. That’d show him that I’m simply preparing for the worst. His mocking only continued as I begrudgingly had to remove all the layers I had meticulously adorned at airport security. Being as he was, we had arrived at the airport annoyingly early which led us to have to sit in the middle of the terminal for a good hour before there was even the slightest sign that we should be ready to board. Determined he would miss something important, John wouldn’t budge from the seat outside the gate while I wandered off to find something to eat. When I returned, he was still sitting and watching the news on a big screen hanging from the ceiling. I handed him a sandwich and sat down to eat the one for myself.

I didn’t pay much to anything in particular until it was time to board. Popping my headphones out of my ears and shoving them in my back pocket, I followed John into the line and then onto the plane. He insisted I sit near the window, but after telling him that I was planning to sleep for the next six hours, he quickly changed his mind and scuttled into the short row of seats.

I had paid little attention on the plane to the outside changing partially because flying wasn't exactly my favorite pastime and also because there really wasn’t much to pay attention to. In the beginning I had tried to count just exactly how many people could cough in one minute, but that quickly grew both boring and slightly disgusting. Instead I settled for going between sleeping and pretending to be asleep so the old woman next to me wouldn’t talk to me or point out for the fifth time how tired I looked- how everyone my age slept too little and watched too much TV. Bad news was I hadn't realized by the time that we had landed and picked up our bags that winter was already in full swing here. Stepping out of the airport brought two different expressions upon us. John has slapped his normal grin on as my face twisted into a grimace as the parking lot of lightly snow dusted cars before us. He had made some remark about the snow coming early this year, but I was too busy going through the reasons (which were very few at this point) of why exactly I was here and willingly putting myself at the mercy of the elements.

One look at my face made him delve into a pout that shouldn't be on the face of any almost twenty year old man and knock my arm with his.

"You should be excited. How often do you even see snow like this?"

"Never." I retorted quickly with the curl of my lips. "And I'm perfectly content with that. Snow is pointless and annoying. All it does is get everything wet and make you risk your life when trying to get anywhere." Curling into myself a little more to reserve what little body heat I had left at this point, I jerked my backpack tighter to me and glared just a bit harder. "Please tell me your dad will be here soon."

"Please don't start whining already. You've only been in this state for half an hour."

“It’s fucking cold.” I muttered, dragging the scarf back up to my nose.

“Well you better get used to it.” He replied, that grin still wide and proud.

His dad was as welcoming as always. He greeted us with a big smile and talked the whole way back to their house. Most of it had to do with filling John in on everything he’d missed over the months interspersed with telling him how much he’d missed having him around. I couldn’t help but hear it as a guilt trip to try and make John move back, but he made everything sound so nice you couldn’t even try to make him out to be selfish. He genuinely just wanted John to know that he missed him which he took in stride with the same smile and deep laugh that his father gave in the first place. Sitting in the back, it was like watching two of the same person interact and mirror each other. They’d always gotten along, but now it was like as if he was slowly becoming who he’d always wanted to be. I did little talking, but over the years they’d both come to accept that as normal and left me to stare at the window and curse my current, chilled to the bone predicament.

That night was filled with them continuously talking back and forth- how they never got tired I still don’t understand that. His dad cooked us the best dinner I’d had in a while before they watched TV until they had both passed out on the couch. With my laptop resting on my chest, I only noticed they had woken up when they both muttered a good night and wandered off to their rooms. I took up inhabitance on the now vacant couch and settled down for a welcome night’s sleep.

The next day was just about as calm as one might think suburban Washington is. John drug me outside to experience what admittedly was my first contact with actual ass numbing snow. All the snow I had ever gotten in Texas was merely warmed slush that made it difficult to drive but wasn’t really anything more than wet dirt. Still, there wasn’t very much of it on the ground so my excitement was minimal. I don’t think this was the response John wanted, so I had to fake most of my enthusiasm until he let me go back inside so I could keep all my fingers. It was pretty, I understand that, but not having it all my life and being unaffected to me meant I could continue through the rest of it without ever giving even half a shit about it. He told me to start thinking otherwise considering the kind of winters Boston has; but I’ll worry about that when I have to. At that moment I was really just concerned with getting back inside and not dying of hypothermia.

Once most of the day had passed, he was already getting restless and convinced me to go out yet again to find some food. He took me to his favorite restaurant and ordered all the food himself telling me he knew what was best so I should just trust him. It was good, I can’t lie, but I knew I’d never be able to meet John’s level of excitedness about the simplest of things.

We had gone out late and spent a bit of time wandering around the city just so he could point things out to me, so by the time we got back the sun had long been gone. We returned to a surprisingly empty and dark house which brought confusion to both of us.

“Where’s your dad?” I asked as we moved aimlessly in search of a lamp to turn on.

“Oh yeah-” He replied absently. “I think he was going out for the night- something about a business meeting or-” He trailed off, wandering around into the kitchen in searching for something until he returned with a small “a-ha”. A sticky note flitting back and forth on his waving finger had a few words written on it but were soon gone as he crumpled it up and stuck it in his back pocket. “Says he’ll be back tomorrow night- I completely forgot.”

My response was a slight hum that went unnoticed as John wandered around in search of something else.

I took to busying myself by walking around the open living room until I squatted down in front of the t.v. Opening one of the cabinet doors, I was met with stacks followed by stack of DVDs that all most likely contained a different movie. I picked out a few just to know I was right, and my assumption was only confirmed when not a single disk matched the cover.

“What’s the point of having all of these movies in here if none of them are even in the right spot?”

“He thinks it’s funny when he makes things like that hard for me.” John shouted back from the kitchen. “He cackled for days about how ‘frustrated I looked just trying to find the one I was looking for’.” His head popped around the door frame with a pointing hand. “But seriously if you want to watch a movie, don’t look there. My dad usually keeps his stash of shit movies in the closet.”

He started from behind me as I stood up from my position in front of the entertainment center. I found him pointing to a door behind the couch and underneath the stairs.

“Just the shit ones?” I pushed up with a hand on my knee and a small appreciative chuckle.

“He doesn’t want anyone to know how much he actually likes horrible movies.”

“Well knowing you, I expected no different.”

To no surprise whatsoever, he was right. The small stack of DVDs I found had to be one of the worst collections of movies I had ever seen. Whether it was from my hatred of slapstick, idiotic comedy or the fact that no one in their right mind should own any Adam Sandler movie other than Spanglish, I would have rather eaten one of my fingers than sit through five minutes of any one of these shit shows.

“And why exactly do we have to watch a known shitty movie?” I thumbed through them again, doing my best to decide which one was the least horrible.

“Because I know you’re going to hate what we watch no matter the quality, so I’d rather hate it with you then have you complain through and pick apart another perfectly decent movie that I might actually enjoy watching.”

“Suit yourself. You’re just throwing away your chance of at least a small amount of enjoyment from this evening.”  
  
“Trust me, hearing you talk to yourself for two hours is less that enjoyable.”

I decided not to reply but instead dig deeper into the closet hoping desperately I’d missed a hidden stack of less vomit inducing films.

However while on my search, I came across something much better that caused me to lose all interest in my previous endeavor. In what I had assumed was just a coat closet or pantry was apparently the stock of every bottle of alcohol in the house.

"Hey John-" I called without moving my eyes from the treasure before me.

He came over after a moment, and was right beside me before giving a slight laugh. "Oh yeah, I forgot all this was here."  He was so casual about it until I had slung an arm around his shoulders and pulled him against me.

"Remember what we talked about a few months ago?" He didn't answer, but his eyebrows drew together and his shoulders raised slightly. My eyes scanned back into the closet and those shoulders shot up as he tried to squirm away.

"Oh- no Dave, I don't think that's such a good idea. I mean, I highly doubt my dad would let me drink any of this."

"C'mon, he's not home, and there is enough here that I betcha' he won't even notice if one, or two," I added quietly, "would be missing a little off the top."

"No way man," He shook his head as he ducked out from under my arm.

"You're acting like you've never been drunk, and I know for a fact you have."

He started to continue his argument, but he stopped and gave me a questioning look. "But we've never-"

I began to move a few bottles around to see just what was in here. "Sollux told me a few stories, some might I say sounded not so pretty in respect to your sobriety."

"I won't deny it, but I really don't want to mess with any of that stuff." I shot him an annoyed glance but he was already rubbing his neck and pacing in front of the couch.

"Jesus Christ Egbert he's not going to care. You're in college for fucks sake, he knows you're going to drink."

"Yeah okay I bet he knows that but it's not in his house. We could get him in trouble, or he might get pissed off that I would think this is okay without him here, or at all for that matter. I know he thinks better of me than this, plus he bought it so I feel like we should respect that and- Dave!"

At that point I had stopped listening and was content with my lips around a glass rim of a whiskey bottle. Only after hearing my name did I turn my head with a raised brow in his direction.

"What are you doing?"

My tongue was stinging a bit from the liquid sitting in my mouth, but a swallowed it without fault and wiped my mouth on my sleeve.

"Taking a drink." I replied plainly and held out the bottle to him. "From the looks of it you need one too. It'll calm you down. Or you can keep panicking about something that I am going to continue doing no matter what you say."

He stared for a good minute, eye tracing between me and the outstretched bottle before heaving a large sigh and reaching over the couch for it.

"You're an asshole." He muttered, grabbing the bottle by the neck and taking a large gulp of his own.

After that he set it on the coffee table before falling to the couch with another sigh.

I smacked a hand on his shoulder as I walked around to the front of the couch with a slam of the closet door. "That'a boy. Taking it like a champ."

“It’s not like I’ve never been drunk, I just don’t usually have the best time when I am. Everyone always gets so annoying. It’s like guys gain twice the amount of their normal overwhelmingly annoying schmooziness and the girls just get loud and clingy. So pardon me if I don’t really like it all that much.”

“That’s because you only go to parties to get drunk. You just need to drink around the right people.” I pointed the bottle at him before bringing it back to my mouth. “Like me for instance. I’m super fun all the time so how could this go wrong?”

“Yeah, that’s definitely a true statement.” He replied with a flat, sarcastic tone before reaching out his hand and closing it repeatedly for me to hand it back.

This continued for a while until we were both a bit of the ways through it and my stomach had just started to feel warm. I could tell John was probably feeling a little bit more than warm from the way he’d slunk down into the couch

“You don’t even look drunk.” He pointed out flatly, squinting a little as he looked closer at me.

“I’ve had practice.” I reminded his rosy cheeked face and increasingly distant gaze.

He stared down at the table for a bit before nodding slowly. “Well I think I am.”

“You are.” I agreed as he looked up to nod at me.

“Good, that’s what you wanted right?”

“That sounds creepy please don’t phrase it like that.”

He laughed with the jerk of his shoulders and his chin tucking into his chest. “It does sound a bit rapey doesn’t it?”

“Not really something to joke about. Is it?”

“Jesus,” He breathed into the top of the bottle. “You don’t have to be so serious all the time you know? You used to be more fun.”

“Sorry that I don’t like joking about rape-”

“That’s not even what I was doing.” With a deep sigh and some sort of frowning pout, he smacked his hand on the coffee table and shook his head. “But, okay, Dave- let me tell you something.”

I shrunk in on myself slightly in fear as I offered an unsure and drawn out “Okay?”

“I feel really bad about how big of a dick I was to you for so long.”

Well that came out of nowhere. “Look John you don’t have to-”

“No, no, let me tell you-”

“Nah man, it’s okay”

“Just shut up and listen.” He almost snapped back. “I need to be fully honest and I think now is the time to do it.”

“I really don’t think you do.”

He shushed me loudly, waving his hand frantically. “Please. David.” The amount of seriousness in his voice would have made me laugh at any other time, but fear and second hand embarrassment took the place of humor right now. “Honestly a lot of it was just because I was fucking pissed at you-”

“ _You_ were pissed at _me_? I mean John really-”

“Shut the fuck up for once.” He barked, finger pointing and eyes narrow. “Jesus Christ, just let me talk for once.” He paused waiting for my mouth to shut before relaxing back into the couch. “Yeah, I was pissed as hell. I thought we were cool but you just kept acting all distance and brooding. Not to mention the time that you just fucked off and ignored all of us. Like- what the hell was that? Was it really all just ‘cause I didn’t kiss you back?” And just like that we were apparently having this conversation. “Like come on bro- you should be more than just a victim of some unrequited love bullshit. You’re Dave fucking Strider- are you going to tell me something stupid like that is going to destroy your entire ego? I’ve never known you to be so affected by another person; and honestly I should be no exception. I’m a pretty shit guy and all together unappealing, I don’t even get why you like me.” He suddenly laughed and it almost startled me. “Funny thing is I didn’t even believe you at first. I thought how can someone so cool like this guy I’d looked up to my whole childhood be so fucking wrecked and confused by _me_. Like what the fuck, right? I guess that annoyed me a bit too. Knowing that it must really suck for you to like someone as shitty as me- I wish I could be a better person, but I try and I usually just make things worse. I mean I tried to be your friend in spite of everything, but that didn’t seem to help you. It always felt like everything I did just made you angrier. I hope you know I didn’t mean to. But I mean fuck-” He stopped and took a deep breath like he was going to continue but then he suddenly got a really confused look on his face. “Whatever though, right? We’re passed it now. And besides,” Another deep breath and the return of his ruddy grin. “All this talking is fucking exhausting. I don’t see how you can do it all the time- though I guess it explains why you only do it in little spurts and then act like you’re mute the rest of the time. Like oh shit! Here goes Dave on one of his rambling rants! But really people should listen because it’s like you can only talk all at once. You either get nothing or everything. Which if I’m being honest kind of annoys me but that’s neither here nor there.”

“Why don’t you just stop talking if it’s so exhausting?” At this point I couldn’t decide if I should be angry or bored, so I settled in the middle ground of slightly pissed off and sleepy. I couldn’t really think about, comprehend, or siphon through anything he had just blurted out to me which frankly was pretty shitty for sober me. I felt like I should’ve been paying close attention to everything he was saying, probably just so I could somehow twist it into something more meaningful later that would fuel my never ending pining, but honestly that seemed exhausting right now. I decided to try and remember to think about it when I wasn’t becoming increasingly more drunk with every word I tried to hear and respond to.

“Because,” He began again, leaning back and taking a deep breath. “I have a lot to say and I don’t know when else I’m going to be able to say it all.”

“I honestly think you’ve said enough.” Or maybe I’d settle for just tired and angry.

He looked taken aback, offended even, that I dare interrupt him. “All you’ve done is sit there, criticize my character, and make excuses for your own shitty behavior.”

He shook his head quickly. “I’ve told you I’m shitty- I know I am. I’m just trying to explain _why_ I’m so shitty.”

“You’re not doing a very good job of it.”

“At least I’m trying to fix everything. I’m sick of fighting and then ignoring all of it without resolving anything.”

“How are we supposed to resolve anything if we disagree on everything?”

He reached forward beside his leg. Pulled up the bottle he had recently be gulping from, and held it out to me. When I made no move to take it, he shrugged and brought it to his mouth. “Just me?” He asked, one eye open at me. With a swig, he smacked the bottom against the coffee table and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I guess I’m the only one who wants to fix things.”

He continued staring at me until I sighed, leaned forward, and grabbed the bottle’s neck.

"I know how to start. I’m going to share something I haven’t before because I felt like it would bother you but I’m going to do it now so it won’t be like I have to tiptoe around you anymore. If we’re going to be normal best friends then I’m going to share normal best friend things with you, yeah?" He began after another thickly swallowed swig. I motioned slightly with my hand and he gave a quick second thought to what he was going to say before scrunching his face up. "I really didn't like sex with Vriska."

I choked on what was in my throat but didn't move the bottle away to expose my disinterest in the topic. "Oh okay, yeah- that's definitely something we can talk about. I guess that’s what guys talk about." I muttered quickly around the rim before downing a relatively large mouthful. I wasn't drunk enough for this.

"I mean it wasn't _bad_ it just wasn't particularly good." He reached back for it most likely thinking the same thing I was. "She was kind of bossy."

"Go figure." Was yet another mumble to myself.

"And it wasn't the good kind of bossy either. Not like the hot kind of bossy-"

" _Jesus Christ_ " I spat against the back of my wrist.

"It was fucking belittling the way she treated me all the time. You'd think at least in the bedroom she wouldn't, but you'd be wrong."

"I told you that from the beginning."

"I know, I know." He slurred out waving his hand at me before giving me an intense stare. "You're really smart y'know that? You always know what the fuck's going on. Like you called that shit right off the fucking bat and, hell, I just straight up ignored you."

"You curse a lot when you're drunk. You know that?"

"You curse a lot when you're sober." He retorted quickly and it actually made me laugh.

"You caught me there kid."

"Why?" He suddenly asked with his face all scrunched together again.

I stopped and lifted my eyebrows at him. "Why what?"

"Why do you always call me that? _Kid_. I'm not that much younger than you."

I shrugged it off. "I don't know. Guess it's just a habit. Term of endearment I suppose."

He didn't seem to particularly like that answer, but it also seemed like he wouldn't have been content with any answer I would have come up with.

"I'm going to ask you something else because you’re my best friend."

"Thank you for the warning." Humoring him was my best option at this point.

He paused to hold a breath in his cheeks before it popped out "What's sex with a dude like?"

Yet again I choked on the gulp in my throat. Coughing fit and all, I did my best to recover. The back of my hand was covering my mouth as I pointed one finger at him. "Absolutely fucking not going there, no thank you, goodnight."

"Come on, it's not like I want gruesome details just like what the _fuck_? You know?"

"No, actually I don't." I said as I tried my best to regain my composure.

"Like I don't see how it isn't really fucking uncomfortable. Just thinking about it makes me sick- like shit dude it's gross." His nose was crinkled up as he shook his head.

I nodded and downed the rest of that drink. Damn I really wasn't getting drunk fast enough to keep up with his unfiltered thought track. "Thank you for telling me my sexuality is gross; much appreciated."

"No dude," He began waving a hand around aimlessly, almost hitting me in the face a few times. " _You_ aren't gross. Just _that_ is gross. Dicks are gross."

"Vaginas are gross" I countered not even having to be that drunk to realize that fact.

"Genitalia in general is gross no matter who you are."

"I'll drink to that." I replied offering it back to him which was welcomed happily.

When we gave our respective winces at the utter shit quality of what ever the fuck kind of brown liquid was in the bottle, he waved his hand in my general direction again.

"But 'm asking seriously. How do you manage to deal with things up there."

Seeing no way out of just simply giving him what he wanted, I swallowed my own dignity and bared my teeth for the answer "It's better than you'd think it'd be."

He immediately regretted the question as his face twisted in disgust. "Dude, fuck that." His disgust eventually faded into a snicker. "Though really I never thought your ego would allow The Dave Strider to do any sort of taking things up the ass."

I could actually laugh sincerely considering this was a conversation I never thought I'd be having with my best friend let alone John. "It did take quite a stab at my image, I know. It took some recovering."

In some ways it made me happy to think that we could actually joke about this considering where we were just a few months ago. And yet, a part of me wondered why he had to be drunk to be able to talk about it. I tried my best not to let it bother me and just enjoy the moment but if knew that question would always be there.

"But you know I never thought Mr. Stubborn would ever let someone boss him around." I commented, picking up the bottle and taking a mouthful directly from it.

"I'm not still dating her, am I?" He mirrored my action and practically slammed the bottle back onto the table. "Damn this stuff is shit."

"You got that right." I agreed with a breath of a laugh as he flopped back into his chair.

"Thanks for nothing, Dad."

"Won't he be pissed when it's gone?"

"He hardly ever drinks. This had been sitting there for God knows how long. I don't even know why he has it."

It was a good thing too because before too long we were three-fourths of a bottle in and I was beginning to think if John's dad was anything like him he didn't drink because it took a less than a few more drinks to take him from socially coherent to a burping, laughing mess.

And that handful of drinks had passed about a quarter of a bottle ago.

Honestly I should have known better than to think getting John drunk was going to be anything other than tiring. He said uncomfortable and unneeded comments when he was sober, why did I think it would be any better now? I should have expected that he would only be a sloppy mess with even less of a filter than usual. I felt responsible for him even in his own house. I could easily see him accidentally hurting himself and just trying to laugh it off. It was just the two of us, but I still felt like I need to keep an eye on him- watch his every move- lest he choke on his own vomit. Let me tell you- that was a mistake. Good job drunk Dave. Good job letting your inhibition get the best of you like always.

The warmth in my stomach and throat were there and the tips of my fingers were beginning to numb, but I still knew better than to let half the things I'd thought pass through my mouth. Things that came from a result of my tongue being heavy and my thoughts sluggish. Embarrassing things like how fixated I was on how much I wanted to be the bottle he kept pulling to his mouth before throwing it back down to his lap. Things that he would bring me back from every time he spoke, but that I would go back to in the in between when he’d take a break to laugh or drink. Things that made my limbs tingle and my cheeks warm. But I knew better than to act. I knew better than to speak.

He did not.

Over the past hour or so we have delved into all of the depths of John's failed relationships including the few dates he went on with that girl who's name I didn't even care to learn or remember. He seemed to be frustrated by his failures at love, but very rarely considered himself as the problem. It was always things they did or said, but I was beginning to believe that _he_ was the one not doing and not saying things. Sure they went on dates, but I could see him as the type to not actually try in a relationship. Be the one to want a girlfriend but never actually care enough to try and keep her around. But would I ever say any of that? Why would I when that would only cause us to fight when we'd been doing so well lately? When _I_ had been doing so well at biting my tongue and not letting anything he said- no matter how insensitive or careless- bother me.

We'd then moved to my fantastically laughable "love life" to which I gave a brief explanation of how I couldn't call it anything close to a love life before quickly distracting him with some story Rose had told me that, thank god, pulled any attention off of me.

Around the time that his stories had turned into a slurred together mess of words and laughs that were barely decipherable, I pulled myself to my feet with a slightly defeated sigh and an extended hand. "C'mon man, let's go to bed."

Mid-sentence he stopped and stared up at me with a hard set frown but didn't make any attempt to move. "Why? We're having fun aren't we?"

"I'd rather quit while we're ahead, wouldn't you? Like before you start puking all over the carpet?" I wiggled my fingers a bit hoping he'd give in and let me win this one.

He didn't.

He gave a slight slap to my hand with the back of his and began to outright pout. "Fuck that. I'm staying right 'ere." He met me right in the eyes and jabbed a finger into the air. “And so are you. Plus- I can keep m' liquor down thanks. I know how to handle my alcohol."

I retracted my hand as soon as he slapped it away. Time to try a different tactic. "I'll make you a deal." He perked back up at that and sucked back in his stuck out bottom lip. "If you can stand and make it up the stairs we can come back down here and stay as long as you want."

He expressed his opinion of utter offense at the challenge with a loud and exaggerated "Pff". "You gotta be kiddin' me."

With one hand bracing the coffee table and another on his knee, he pushed himself up to a standing position. Though swaying slightly, for a moment I actually began to think I'd have to keep my promise. That was until he tried to take his first step and immediately lost his balance and began falling back to the ground like a tree just having been chopped down. Seeing that he was making no attempt to catch himself, I did my best to grab him by the arm and jerk him back up.

After that I almost wished I had just stayed until he fell asleep there. Obviously walking wasn't going to work, but to my dismay the son of a bitch was heavier than I anticipated. With my arm hooked around his back and under his arm and his other arm over my shoulder, we bumbled our way up to his room. It wouldn't have been as bad if his knees weren't acting like jello and his head wasn't banging against mine with every step. About half way up the stairs he got this huge grin and put all his weight onto me. I had to stop where I was so I didn't fall over with all the additional load now pushing me down.

"Y'know something?" He started, patting my chest with his hand.

"Afraid I don't." I huffed in response as I did my best to shift his practically dead body so I could continue our trek.

"You know you're cute right?"

I'm glad I wasn't moving anymore because I probably would have tripped and killed us both if I was. Instead I just tightened my grip on him and spoke through my teeth. "Yeah, alright John."

"I'm being one hundred percent serious right now." That grin was never ending and he was speaking loudly even though his mouth was right next to my ear. "You know you are. No way your ego is failing you now."

"We really need to get you to bed before you- or more importantly _I_ say something we'll both regret." I was more talking to myself at this point, knowing full well for him all reasoning skills were gone and not coming back for a while.

"But like- why does someone so- so _attractive-_ only date sleazy balls."

Any other time and I would have laughed. "Sleaze balls."

He stopped, confused and seemingly a bit annoyed that I interrupted him. "What?"

"Sleaze balls." I corrected, going slowly one step at a time until I finally reached the top. "Not sleazy balls."

"Whatever." He muttered quickly and finally pulled some of his weight off of me. "Either way they're all fuckin' jerkwads." Admittedly, I couldn't argue that. "An' being your bestest bro I need to say that you can do better." He swung himself around until he had both hands on my shoulders and held himself up while intently staring me down. "I mean, you could get anyone you wanted with that face."

"Funny thing for you to say." I replied with no hint of tolerance or enjoyment in the conversation.

He immediately laughed and held one hand to the side of his mouth as if what he was going to say was a secret. "You know- anyone's that-" He paused, laughing again before whispering " _gay._ "

"Is that part secret?" I whispered back but he quickly slapped my chest with the hand against his face.

"Why do you have to be s'rude. I'm trying to help you."

"Oh is that what this is?" My eyes went wide in fake surprise as I grasped his arms and gave him a tiny shake. "Well fuck I didn't realize that."

He fell apart in laughter, nodding without any recognition of my overblown sarcasm. "I mean look-" He started between his quieting laughs. "If I was gay I probably would've ended up dating you but-"

"You're not." I finished and he went through another round of laughter.

"Exactly." He did a half stumble into his room before turning to flop on his bed. "I'm not."

I tried my best not to let it bother me. I knew better than to let anything said under the stupor of alcohol register as something more than a joke.

"Too bad." He mumbled, almost quiet enough that I didn't hear it.

"Too bad?" I asked, turning around from shutting the door. I was only met with a quiet snore as he lay passed on top of the covers. With an exasperated sigh, I yanked the covers from beneath and threw them back over him.

"Too bad." I repeated to myself as I pulled my shoes off before sliding into the bed beside him and turned my back to him.

I'll be damned if I slept even an hour that night. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular, mostly just too conflicted to try and be comfortable sleeping in the same bed- especially considering the distance we'd kept between each other for so long. But now he was carelessly sprawled out and breathing loudly with his mouth open. Five years ago me would have probably taken my chances with stroking a hand through this hair or desperately (and holy shit fucking embarrassingly) kissing him again (like what the fuck was fifteen year old me thinking). But newly turned nineteen year old me knew better than to torture myself with shit like that. I contemplated going back downstairs and curling up on the couch but I knew it would be uncomfortable and I didn't want to risk waking him up now. That was also the only things that kept me from wandering outside with one of the cigarettes I'd stuffed into the depths of my bag where he wouldn't see them. With an utter lack of anything else to do, I simply closed my eyes and pretended like I could sleep until my brain finally gave out and let me.

The next morning, I couldn’t have drug John out of bed even if there was a fire threatening his life. He probably would have greeted it with open arms and accepted death with a hug and kiss. I got up rather early, taking my time to shower and go downstairs to make a quick breakfast before coming back and doing my best to revive him. Coffee and biscuit in hand, I nudged the door open with my hip and shut it back with a tap of my foot.

“Oi, Mr. “I know how to handle my alcohol” Egbert, it’s time to rise and shine.”

I was met with a deep groan from the head shoved underneath his pillow.

“Yeah, yeah, just eat.”

I extended both my arms as the pillow was lifted and he glared at me. “Would you like me to throw up on you?”

“You managed not to last night, let’s keep that streak going.”

He grunted as he sat up, head in hand and eyes clamped shut. “Why did you let me do this?”

“Oh no, you insisted to prove me wrong-”

“You drank just as much as I did.”

He took the coffee first, leaving me to place the biscuit on his night stand and go over to the window. “As I told you last night; I’ve had more practice.”

He took a sip, most likely wincing at the lack of sweetness but suffered through nonetheless. “Coffee makes a hangover worse you know.”

“Then why are you drinking it?” He muttered a weak rebuttal into the cup until I opened his curtains and he make a loud, indignant noise at me. Eyes squinting and knees coming up, his fingers bowed against the sides of the cup. “Oh yes, you’re so good at handling your alcohol Johnathan.”

He groped at the top of the nightstand in desperate search of his glasses. “M’name’s not Jonathan.”

“It’s been fifteen years, and I still don’t believe that.”

“Do I need to show you my birth certificate?”

“It’s probably a lie too.”

“Whatever- _David_.”

And so the rest of my day was mostly trying to revive him to his normal self before his dad returned and scolded him for being reckless or indulgent. While I did enjoy my time there, I knew I would have to leave eventually. Mainly because I didn’t actually spend Christmas there. I left John’s after just a week and went to spend the other almost 3 back in Houston. The morning I was to leave, John and I woke up early to the smell of bacon and the obnoxious but not entirely unwanted sound of his father’s deep voiced singing.

“I swear he does it just to annoy me now.” John muttered between his pillow and his arm before sliding off his bed and onto unready feet. He braced himself on the bed until he curved his back in and gave a good stretch.

“That’s exactly why he does it.” I affirmed, following him with fingers rubbing at my eyes.

“How about you stay here and I’ll go back to Texas for you? Deal?”

“I promise you, singing is better than ‘hey fucker, y’want some toast’.”

He chuckled but gave me an unconvinced look. “I highly doubt it’s that bad.”

“You’re right,” I agreed as I did my best to make the bed look even half decent. “It’s usually toast _and_ eggs.”

He gave me an eye roll, pulling on some clothes and opening his bedroom door.

He drove me to the airport, dropping me off with smile and a wave. I wasn’t really ready to leave the comfort of having a stable and predictable home to stay in, but I knew I needed to see my brother at least for a week before rushing back out of that hell hole. It was a boring and sleep filled five hour flight until I was wandering around the airport in search of my responsible and loving sibling. I found him shoving food into his mouth in a restaurant until seeing me and standing up with outstretched arms.

“Welcome home.” He muttered through a mouth full of food and patted his chest for me to come hug him. I complied with a groan as he rocked me from side to side, immediately going back to his food afterwards.

He didn’t ask me how the trip was and I didn’t expect him to. I didn’t really want to bring up anything that would actually cause me to justify having a conversation about any resemblance of emotion. He gave slight acknowledgment of my average grades, no tremendous praise but there was an absence of criticism which was surprising but gracious.

Once home, he slipped away into his room to continue whatever he did to occupy his time- the details of those activities followed a very strict never talk about them rule. With that, I was in the near silence of my room with little to do and little to think about. I was thankful to be back somewhere I could feel my fingers at all times, but what I really hadn’t missed was the droning monotony of my life there.

 

 

 

 

Rose had gone to visit Jade over the break for “no reason” other than she “hadn’t seen her in _ages_ ”, but I knew as well as anyone else that it was just a blatant excuse in order to escape meeting the already forgotten man that had wandered into her mother’s life.

Over the years she had made great attempts to forever avoid her mother’s pursuers. She had a one-sided don’t-ask-don’t-tell mentality when it came to discussing the, and a fight-or-flight response when they were anywhere near her. To avoid actually having any contact with the slew of them, it seems she always opted for the flight scenario. While I understood and encouraged her evasion, whole heartedly, I was still left slightly bitter about the fact that her doubtful return put me sitting in a room of seventy percent drunken adults shouting at each other about whose gift was more thoughtful on Christmas day. Being the only sober on remaining by nightfall, I volunteered myself to be the one to shrug on a jacket and go buy more food.

A twenty clenched in one hand and my phone in another, I quickly fled what I was sure would become a fight to the death of who could sing Christmas songs the loudest.

I couldn’t exactly say my first semester had been the best time of my life, but it certainly ranked higher than most of the time I’d spent trapped here. Familiar streets still looked the same, but I‘d grown less fond of them since I’d left. I used to believe I’d never want to leave home, but considering everything that had happened here, I wasn’t sure why I had ever thought that in the first place. It wasn’t as if moving away would change what had happened, but maybe I could trick myself into thinking that it could. Without realizing it, I’d done my best to drag my past with me but once I admitted that to myself I also admitted I didn’t want to keep it with me anymore. Being here only made me know that I didn’t want to end up in the same place I’d always been. I wasn’t sure exactly how to get away from it, but at least I could try.

I was quickly in and out of the nearest convenience store, bags in one hand and the other in my pocket. Despite being overwhelming glad I wasn’t in class right now, I couldn’t help but miss being back in a city that wasn’t full of looming memories and stifling air. I felt like I could never breathe here; like I could never get a deep enough breath lest I want to fill my chest with dust and dry up the last functioning part of my lungs. I had become so conflicted lately, unable to decide which place was worst. Here, where I was in an unmovable state of boredom; stuck in the confines of my brother’s life where I could leave and really only be missed by a handful of people. Or there, where I was under constant scrutiny for my every movement and word because I needed to care just not overstep my boundaries, I needed to try but not overwork myself, I needed to be myself, but not too much because then people might be put off. It was either a static world or one where too much happened for me to keep up with or even begin to process. Though I had to admit, in spite of everything, I couldn’t completely disdain the life I’d chosen to leave this place for. At least there I could aimlessly wander around in search of something that I could actually enjoy. That being blindly following John around whether I meant to or not was something I did my best not to think about. I’d rather leave my pathetic and self-loathing tendencies for other people to judge and for myself to ignore.

Yet because I have no chance whatsoever to avoid my destructive habits, I brought my phone up to my ear after tapping John’s name, waited, and kept walking. I shouldn’t have been surprised that it rang a few times before eventually going to his voicemail with a chipper “Sorry I can’t get to the phone right now-“ I looked at it locked it and stuck it in my back pocket with a grunt. Christmas was probably a fun time at his house. No one was drunk and there was actual thought put into everything. The gifts weren’t shoved at you with a ‘hey this was on clearance so you better enjoy it’. Jane had even gone up there so he’d have someone to fly back with. He’d offered for me to stay the whole break, assuring that it wouldn’t be a problem, but I was never the person to over-stay my welcome. I usually assumed people wanted me to leave before I even got there. Especially when I wasn’t the most chipper person around the holidays. Anything that was overly family oriented never meant much to me. Bro didn’t make a big deal out of things. I didn’t blame him based upon the fact that we had an astounding lack of family to begin with, so the holidays were usually just a disappointment until I was old enough to accept the situation and not be affected by it.

Even so, Christmas time was undoubtedly the worst of them all. He wasn’t an absolutely shit brother, so it wasn’t like I never got Christmas presents; and usually we spent the day with Roxy and Rose. But still- four wasn’t much of a party. Occasionally Jake would come along, but he had a family of his own to visit, so it wasn’t ever more than a Christmas Eve dinner and a farewell of Happy Holidays. Before he went back to his actual family. But as I’ve said, over the years I’ve just come to accept it and expect nothing more than what I’m given.

If I’m being frank though, the vague Christmas memories I have of back when my family existed, weren’t very lush and brilliant either. I doubt they were much to get excited about, but I was a kid so I probably was ecstatic about it anyway. If only it was still that easy.

If it was up to me, I most likely wouldn’t have left school at all, but I was forced out for cleaning and in order to save money, but I’d damn sure rather be there than here.

Upon my return, I found everyone passed out somewhere so the groceries were abandoned in the kitchen. I stared at the mess that was a bunch of grown adults sprawled across chairs, a couch, and across the floor, drinks and food forgotten on the coffee table. With a deep and annoyed sigh, I did my best to clean up without waking them. I’d rather have them asleep and quiet than angrily awake and yelling again. Trash bag in hand, I left again and turned the corner. The bag was tossed down the garbage chute before I made the trek up to the roof. I stopped for a minute, staring at the darkening sky, yellows and oranges melded together behind the clouds. I swung a leg over the edge, feeling the same nervous twist in my stomach I did every time I sat perched here knowing good and well the dangers of falling. Somehow that pang of fear always made me feel a little better. It was knowing that at least fear kept me alive despite how numb I became to anything else. With the sudden jitter fading, I pulled my cigarettes from my front pocket and smacked it against my hand a few times. With a lighter from the other, I was quick and eager to get it lit and let the sickening smoke flood my mouth.

I sat in silence just staring for countless minutes. My thoughts were vague and unclear with little focus given to one topic. With a long drawl, I let the smoke sit in my lungs until it was a bit too painful before quickly blowing it out in addition to a slight, reflexive cough. Flicking the butt on the edge of the wall, I ran my hand through my hair and watched the ash fall for as long as I could. Another year, another twelve months of stupidity and impressively bad decisions. Some holiday this was.

Merry fucking Christmas.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Doing the best I can I suppose. I hope everyone is having a lovely spring, and I’ll do my best to get back soon. The next chapter’s going to be a bit of a doozy (in a good (?) way)

Sophomore year I was practically forced out of the shitty ass prison they called a dorm room and told to find somewhere else to live. Rose had agreed long before the end of the year to move into an apartment with one of the girls she’d lived with last year. With a two months left before the semester started, I wore Sollux down enough to let me live with him and Karkat. Even though I gained more than an earful of derogatory names and curses from the ladder, I told him if he could tolerate me for a year he could manage one more. Apparently he didn’t think what he had done the past year counted as tolerating, but he couldn’t do much to stop me when I had boxes full of stuff sitting in one of the bedrooms and my name on the lease. As begrudging as he may have been, he would have been just as screwed as I was if that room didn’t get filled. He had asked me if I was such best friends with John why hadn’t I lived with him, but besides the fact that he had already found a few guys to live with, it clearly wouldn’t be a good idea for anyone to be in that kind of situation. Sure, I hadn’t told him much about our history, but I figured Sollux had at least told him a base knowledge. Over dinner one night I gave him a quick rundown of the bullshit that had filled the last twenty years of my life, which was probably more talking than we had done the entirety of freshman year. His pity was evident, barely hidden behind a barrage of ridicule and sarcastic remarks. I could recognize how much I deserved it, and it was nothing I hadn’t heard before. He seemed to like this pathetic side of me, and from that night on it was like he hated me just a little less. Hatred was a crucial part of his personality, but there was a sense of sympathy that hadn’t been there before. I was thankful for the change, returning the favor and did my best to not be as much of an asshole to him as I could be.

I still had no fucking clue what I was doing with my life so I had yet another semester full of bullshit general classes that were as mind numbingly boring as when Rose forced me to watch HGTV with her. I’ll never understand the appeal. Nonetheless, I’d still probably enjoy watching a marathon of House Hunters over the monotone flood of words each of my professors let slide out of their wrinkled, crooked mouths every day. But at least by this point I’d settled into a routine. This time, I forced myself to believe the monotony was a good thing. It wasn’t dragging my feet day after day, lost in an aimless life; it was a stable daily plan that kept me motivated to do better. I kept to it, going to class, doing homework, actually trying to make a life worth living. I decided not to dwell on my past, self-made misfortune and instead focus on how to keep all my shit in order. It was some real hardcore Oprah “I got my life back together” shit. Coming to terms with the things I couldn’t change but fixing those that I could was one of my few better decisions.

Probably the biggest moment of growth I’d had in a while was the fact that I’d decided it was about time to ditch the shades. This decision came about rather forcefully when Sollux and I had gotten into a rather heated argument about whose turn it was to buy dinner which escalated into who put more into the apartment than the other which all stemmed from our shared lack of ambition towards actually making enough money to live on. Never the less, it all resulted in an all-out slap fight, prison style that ended with me tripping and smacking my face into the lip of the coffee table. Glass shattered, face bruised, dignity lost. He apologized ten times over, but in the end we were both laughing about how utterly ridiculous it all was as I help a washcloth to my bleeding face. We tried to convince Karkat we’d stopped a burglar form robbing us, but he could sense our blatant stupidity shining below our proud and confident grins. When I saw John the next time he only seemed slightly bothered by the change, taking it a bit more to heart than I thought he would. I assured him it was probably for the best, considering I wasn’t trying to be as rude and self-pitying as I had been in the past. He still seemed slightly unsettled by the sheer fact that I didn’t seem to care all that much that they were gone, but I was sort of glad to not constantly have metal poking me in the face at all hours of the day. Rose of course flew into a long monologue about shedding my outer shield and finally letting everything in past skin level, but if we’re being real I was just too lazy and poor to do anything else about it. Sure, it made being outside a bit more painful, and the occasional strange looks from people were uncomfortable, but once again; I’m probably the laziest person I knew. And so started the era of bare faced me, which arguably sounds like I shaved off a beard, but I’ll just say they were like my confidence beard. I can’t deny how much I hid behind them even if I wish I could. But now without them I had to learn how to actually control the movement of my brows and the emotion so expressive through someone’s eyes. It was a pain in the ass, but what more could I do?

Now this isn’t going without saying I didn’t have a few fuck-ups along the way of my immaculate personal growth. Sure, every now and then I still indulged in some self-loathing personal battery, but really that only happened when Rose clawed it out of me after too much alcohol and not enough rationality. But overall, I was doing my best at keeping my priorities in line and my opinions in check.

The only thing that really put a strain on my sanity for brief moments of time came about after the fact that John had acquired himself a new lady. Despite his assurance that he was going to try and not go on dates for a while, alas, when I can back from summer break, I was greeted with such great news.

Now, when I first met John’s girlfriend, it was by complete accident. If I hadn’t met her then, I wasn’t sure how long he would’ve gone without telling me about her. I had my suspicions from our decline in communication, but I didn’t think much of it. After our first encounter, I confronted Rose about who had apparently already known. Upon lecturing her about not telling me, she simply stated that I had not asked her specifically about it so she was in no place to tell me. It was all really a bunch of technical bullshit but that’s wasn’t exactly new behavior for her. I couldn’t decide if he had avoided telling me, or if there was never a situation where he felt like bringing it up; but either way I was surprised nonetheless when I literally and physically ran into her.

John had stayed in the city over summer break between freshman and sophomore year. He had classes he needed to get out of the way to graduate on time, and in order to keep his job they asked him to stay the three months in between. Being the kind of person he was, he happily obliged and quickly found himself an apartment with one of his friends I’d only heard of from stories. Even though I’d never met the guy personally, he convinced Rose and me that he was decent enough to live with. Apparently he met this new girl in one of his classes and things went from there. They occasionally studied together, and then routinely, and then eventually started hanging out outside of that until they both couldn’t help but call it dating. Even though they had only been together a little over a month, I still expected some sort of notice. I guess I couldn’t blame him entirely for not telling me considered how conversation of his past romantic involvements went with me. Still- I assumed I’d be given even the slightest heads-up.

What I got instead was a faceful of hair when I pushed John’s front door open at the same moment someone was leaving. There was a small “oof” as a face bumped my chest and blonde hair tickled my nose. Stunned, I stood motionless until John appeared from the hallway. His face was a mixture of surprise, amusement, and apprehension. What broke the silence was a muffled laugh that was warm against my shirt as she stood just as frozen as I was. As she backed up a few steps, there was a grin plastered on her face. Her hand brushed a clump of hair behind her ear before falling out in front of her. My eyes trailed from the hand to her face crinkled up in warmth.

“Sorry about that,” She began in a high pitched, lilting voice. “I’m Annie.” Quite sweet a tone but not altogether pleasant. Something about the slight clipped nature of her words left me unsettled and unsure of her character. She looked about as harmful as a flower, but I’d always been allergic to pollen.

Despite my immediate puzzlement, I lightly shook her hand. “Dave.” I replied to which her eyes suddenly widened a fraction before her mouth split back into a wide smile.

“Nice to finally meet you.” Finally. Implying she knew who I was. Implying John had told her about me. Enough to where she would remember my name and be wanting to meet me. Enough to mean that this wasn’t the first time. Enough that I should have also heard about her. Eyes back on John, he tried to sink further into himself knowing just where my thoughts were going.

“I meant to bring it up, but I guess I just forgot. Sorry Dave.” He played it off with the tilt of his head and a hearty laugh, but I knew just as well as he did that he just lied through his teeth and I sure as hell wasn’t going to believe it. It. Should have brought it up. There was only one it he could have meant in that situation. One it that was immediately confirmed when he forced himself to move up behind her and place a hand against her back.

“No problem.” I’d come to learn we were best at lying when it was to each other. What else could you want from a friendship? “Nice to meet you.” I continued in a tone that anyone else would have heard as normal. Though the slight bite to the end of each word and the tightness in my throat was enough to make John’s arms stiffen and his eyes fall a bit.

Suddenly, as if remembering that she had in fact opened the door in the first place, this girl straightened herself and clapped her hands together. “Ah- I better be going. I almost forgot.” Smile back, she tilted her head to the side, leaned up, and habitually placed a kiss on his cheek. His eyes had come back up to mine, but he leaned into it just enough to confirm any suspicion I could have had. “I’ll call you.” She said as she lowered herself back onto her feet and slipped out from in between us. He nodded absently and she left just like that. The door was shut with a friendly goodbye and a small wave. It left us in silence and sucked any readable emotion from our faces.

When he couldn’t stand the silence anymore, he heaved a sigh and let himself give in. “Dave I-”

“Let’s not.” I wasn’t in the mood for this since I walked in. I didn’t want to even acknowledge all that had taken in place in about two minutes. Neither of us were ready for another conversation like this, so in true Strider fashion, I was going to avoid it entirely and pretend it wasn’t happening until I absolutely had to pay it mind.

“I really meant to-” He shut his mouth instinctively when my hands landed on his shoulders.

“I’m happy for you.” I knew it was a lie. He knew it was a lie. But no matter. I was trying, and that was the best I could do at that moment. Trying is what we had agreed too, right? “I came to check out your new place, but I just remembered I have somewhere to be.” I promise- lying becomes easier the more you do it. “I’ll text you later. Come get dinner with Rose and me. Sound good?”

His lips were pinched together but he nodded stiffly. With a hard pat to his shoulder, I turned and left. Before I had the chance to even make it out the door of his building there was a cigarette in my mouth and my phone was against my ear with the number already dialed. Without even a hello to begin with, I held my phone between my shoulder and ear and took a deep breath.

“Fuck me with a shovel and burn my body I swear to god Rose I’m going to have a mental breakdown before the semester even starts.”

She could only laugh at my unknown misfortune and offer me a promise of free wine and unabashed support.

With a bit of the tension already gone, I smiled to myself and picked up the pace of my footing. “I’ll be there in twenty.”

 

The second time I met her was oddly like the first. It happened when I literally ran into her around the corner on my way to class. Apparently we couldn’t meet without her face smacking into my chest and the air being knocked out of me. She recoiled with flustered apologies that reminded me too much of John for me to be comfortable with. Upon recognizing my face, she broke into a grin and smoothed down her shirt.

“We have to stop meeting like this Dave.” She bubbled out but my fingers were digging into the strap of my backpack and my teeth had firm grip on my tongue. “Sorry if I surprised you.”

 She was beaming up at me, but my eyes were locked on a faint bruise peeking out from under her collar and the way her slightly curled hair fell into place, covering it. It was the kind of curl that wasn’t natural. It was frizzy from heat and frayed at the end. The thought crossed my mind that I faintly remembered John mentioning how cute he thought curly haired girls were, but it was fleeting and distant. I hoped for her sake that she didn’t do it for him. He wasn’t the kind of person that recognized gestures like that. I suddenly felt bad for her. If she liked him enough to do something as trivial as that, she must genuinely want to please him. I couldn’t exactly speak from experience, but I’d never known him to be the one to be thankful of simpleminded shit like that. He was a horribly self-centered person. In that moment, I truly hoped he wasn’t just using her if she actually did care that much.

She shifted in place, hands coming to clasp in front of her. “I have to go now, but it was nice to see you again. I hope we can properly hang out soon. It’d be nice to get to know you.”

I bowed my head a bit, letting her interpret that as she may. With a small wave of a goodbye, our second encounter came to an end just as quickly as the first had.

She was a nice girl. Too nice for John to stay interested in for more than a few months. I knew he’d get bored soon enough, and I knew she was going to get crushed. But I couldn’t do anything about it, could I? She didn’t know him like I did. She didn’t deserve this.

At least it wasn’t me this time.

 

After that, our meetings were more casual and planned. John brought her along to anything we did as a group, or even if it was just supposed to be us. Those times were especially frustrating. The times when I thought I might actually get some time to talk to him, but instead were filled with him telling stories about what they’d done that day or telling her to recite over rehearsed stories that I could assume were meant to be funny. She didn’t seem like a very interesting person. She was more someone who had a few interesting and odd things happen to her in which she could form a story out of. These stories were told at least ten times over in which she’d perfected punchlines and details that were pointless but needed to be believable. I wish I could have taken them as they were supposed to be received, but the comedy she was searching for had been lost along the way as some desperate attempt to create talking points that would make her appear to be someone with a sense of adventure and comedic value. Yet, I found myself forcing out a laugh as to not make her feel as uncomfortable as I did. To not make John angry at me for embarrassing her. To make it seem like I was still okay with this whole situation.

But in reality, who are we kidding? From just the brief moments of contact I really couldn’t stand her. Sure, she was a nice person on the surface, but her deep need to be liked was oozing out of every self-conscious crack in her composure. But- then again, I guess that’s why John liked her as much as he tried to convince me he did. He always liked people less confident than he was. I think it gave him some sense of power being above the people he surrounded himself with. It certainly does explain our friendship being that I was never the one to be anything close to self-assured while he pretty much maintained an outstanding relationship with anyone he’d ever met. Though what set these two relationships apart is the fact that I knew all of this. I knew our friendship, while built upon years of humor and for the most part understanding, wasn’t much more than a power play that kept him above me in case anything went badly and he needed to blame someone. Conversely, this poor girl had no idea- maybe John hadn’t even realized it. She wasn’t funny like he was, at least not admirably so; nor was she as smart or quick witted. She was pretty but not in an immediately noticeable or breath taking way, just enough to make it seem like she didn’t try to present herself that way but also not enough to where she needed other redeeming qualities that would keep people interested but also would seem to me that she utterly lacked.

But as the weeks went on, I felt a shift almost in her demeanor. She became less the one to do all the talking, but instead she left John to continue his usual nonstop conversation as she sat back and merely listened much like I did more often than not.  One night in particular she had been peculiarly silent, only offering words once she was spoken too and had something of value to say. Like I would have expected, John neither noticed nor questioned this. I’m sure he was just happy to have all the room he wanted to talk. It still bothered me though, not knowing if it was because of me or if she had finally realized for herself what shit situation she’d wandered her way into. John had offered to go and retrieve our food which left the two of us in uncomfortable and mouth drying silence. Going against my nature, I tapped my fingers against the table and cleared my throat.

“Hey,” My voice broke a little from lack of use, but I swallowed and tried again. “You alright?”

Her eyes widened just slightly, seeming startled by the question until she nodded quickly. “What- oh, yeah I’m fine.”

It was a clear lie, but we weren’t exactly close enough for this conversation to continue past that. “I’ll believe whatever you say.”

She sunk back down into the booth, going silent just long enough for me to think that was the end. At least until she huffed and moved her fork around.

“You know,” Her eyes flicked up from her hands that were idly turning a packet of sugar over and over. “He talks about you a lot.” Mouth flat, brow relaxed, chin slightly upturned. I couldn’t tell the exact emotion behind the comment, but whether it was apathy or abhorrence didn’t matter much to me.

My face fell to match hers, leaning back into the booth. “Is that so?”

“He’s quite fond of you from what I can tell.”

“I could say the same to you.” I replied just as quick, but her mouth immediately turned up at the sides.

“We both know that’s just not true.” She flung the packet to the side of the table and sighed as she sunk down. “He’s a nice guy-” A pause and an almost inexistent laugh. “But he’s a horrible boyfriend.”

I did my best to return her faint smile, knocking her foot with my own. “I should have warned you.” I’d taken pity on her since the first time I met her knowing full well how this would all end. She was too good of a person to ever be fit for John. But it was never my place to say anything. The words out of my mouth would just be heard as catty and jealous if I even attempted. A simple nod was all I got in return.

“I shouldn’t be surprised. I always seem to pick the worst.”

“I can sympathize more than you may think.” What began as skeptical soon fell into a tired and defeated frown. “Even though I never much cared for you-” Her eyes shot back up, hurt now. I stopped, flinching away and lifting a hand off the table in surrender. “Sorry-”

“It’s not like I couldn’t tell, but it still hurts a bit to hear it out right.”

That hand fell back to the table. “All I’m saying is even so, I really am sorry you had to find out the truth about our friend the hard way. He’s dense and self-centered. If we’re being honest he really doesn’t deserve a nice girl like you.”

Despite the discomfort, she still managed a light smile. “I thought you didn’t like me.”

“John’s my best friend, do you really think I’m all that fond of nice people?” Her smile fell a beat before coming back just as quick with a laugh.

“I know what you’re probably thinking,” She regained her previous posture; sitting straight, shoulders slightly hunched but chin tilted up in forced confidence. “I should just break up with him now. Get it over with before it really goes bad.”

I gave her a shrug as a response which cause a brow to curve upwards. “Not really what I was thinking at all. I was actually just thinking about how hungry I am-” A wink returned by a smile. “But in all honesty, I wasn’t. It’s not like he realizes he’s an ass. Okay, he at least knows that, but I can assure you he probably thinks he’s doing a fine job. Like I said earlier, he’s denser than a rock and really doesn’t understand things unless you whack him over the head with it a few dozen times. Even then it’s a shoddy bet as to whether or not he’ll get it.”

She sat quietly, that unsure confidence fading fast. “You know him better than I do.” Was the only thing she said in response though I could tell she wanted to say much more, argue with me, convince me that it would be better if she just ended it.

My arms were extended on the table, fingers idly fumbling with one another. “We’ve been friends for a long time. I know how he can be.”

“What do you suppose I do then?”

My hands smacking against the plastic surface alarmed her. “I guess the only thing you can do is force him to see it. As difficult as that may be.”

“And how well has that gone for you in the past?”

I couldn’t help but laugh, a quick sputter of sound that I quickly covered with the back of my hand. “About as well as you could probably imagine. I honestly don’t think he retains anything. So, do as I say not as I do.”

“I guess all I can do is try and hope for the best.”

“And if that doesn’t work-” I was going to tell her to just give up and move on to someone deserving of the effort, but I was cut short by John flopping back into the booth with three baskets of food and a huff. Our chat was cut short and left on a note that we never picked back up on.

I didn’t see her much past that. A few times here or there in passing or short visits to John’s apartment but never much more. We didn’t have another conversation like that, and most of our interaction were through fake pleasantries or pity laughs. I thought perhaps everything was fine; that she had talked it through and forced him to know how she felt. That was until one night a few weeks later when my opinions were rapidly changed. Through one short conversation I knew possibly she had tried, but against her effort I don’t think she succeeded how she’d liked.

It was rather quiet in my dark apartment, my guess was everyone was asleep by now. Really I should have been as well, but I’d come accustomed to functioning on as little sleep as I could manage. It wasn’t as if I did anything productive with the hours I usually would waste asleep; it actually would probably be more productive if I used them like I was supposed to. Instead, I laid around on my laptop or watched movies all from the inability to just shut my brain off for more than a few hours. Tonight I’d chosen to watch the first thing that popped up when I opened Netflix until I passed out in front of it. A few episodes in when another was just about to start playing, my phone buzzed next to me. Watching the numbers count down on my screen, I picked it up. Tapping the banner at the top of my phone to bring up the message screen, I squinted a bit at the sudden brightness.

You up?

The message read, which wasn’t entirely unheard of, but I wall still a bit surprised John was awake this late. He usually was the one to go to bed early and wake up before the sun rose. He always claimed he was more productive that way.

when am I not

I responded before going back to scrolling aimlessly through twitter. It was more than a few minutes before I had gotten a response, in the time in between I had assumed he had fallen asleep and completely forgotten about me. Being so, I jumped a bit when the phone vibrated in my hand. I tapped back to the message and sat up a bit.

I’m starving.

A pause until another short vibration

How about an iHop run?

I could feel a twitch of a smile while my eyes flicked up the screen and then back down. Three fifteen in the morning and he wanted pancakes. Sounds about right.

hell. yes.

I didn’t have to wait for a response; I was already sliding out of bed and pulling some clothes on when my discarded phone buzzed against the sheets. Slipping out of the apartment quietly was the biggest challenge, shoes on and the door shut with the best attempt I could muster of not making any noise. The door shut behind clicking me prompted me to check that I had locked it before making my way down the steps. Now that I was moving, I felt the tiredness of my eyes and the yawn forming in my throat. Just the thought of it made it erupt and cause me to take in a deep inhale. One hand came up to rub my eyes with my thumb and forefinger. It quickly retreated back to my pocket and dug slightly deeper when the chill of the night hit my cheeks.

It hadn’t been more than ten minutes before I glanced up from my phone and found John calmly strolling down the sidewalk. Upon matching each other’s gaze, we both lifted our hands in a single, three fingered wave. I could hear a meek laugh once he got closer; seemingly an unspoken apology of sorts. I pushed off from the wall to quickly make it to his side until I fell in line with his unhurried pace.

We continued for at least a block before any words were spoken. We had just silently moved, occasionally passing glances between each other only to be met with the slightest twitch of a lip.

“Sorry to drag you out so late at night.” He finally began, hand immediately going to scratch the back of his neck.

I offered a shrug at first, brushing off some of the nervous energy he was emitting. “Not like I was asleep or anything.” He didn’t seem convinced, but I bumped his elbow with mine and his head turned quickly toward me. “Plus, I know how hard it is to ignore a mean pancake craving.”

He slowly smiled, eyes looking just as tired as mine probably did. He mirrored my shrug as soon as his hand found its place back at his side. “It wasn’t really that. Just feeling a bit stir crazy I guess. Been studying a bit too much lately” He licked his lips, nodding sluggishly to himself. “Though the more I think about it, the happier I am that we’re going. I could really use a mound of syrup and chocolate chips right now.”

It was a short fifteen minutes before we were seated across from each other with two stacks of pancakes in the middle.

I did my best not to mention anything at first, but it became unbearable after a few bites.

“Dude-” He stopped mid bite and flicked his eyes up at me. “I honestly can’t believe you eat shit like that. I don’t think I could stomach something so sweet.” Our gazes both fell to his plate with barely visible pancakes under a mound of fruit, syrup, and whip cream.

He brushed it off with a shrug and a laugh and went in for another large bite. “Annie’s convinced me to try a lot of new things. I never thought I’d enjoy something with this much sugar, but I guess I just never gave it a chance.”

I couldn’t help that my lips curled slightly at the mention of her name, but I covered them with the rim of my mug and took a gulp.

“Speaking of our dear pal,” Another hot gulp followed by the clank of ceramic against glass. “I can’t help but be curious as to why you didn’t ask her to come out with you? She has to be more fun to be around than I am.”

His look was confused at first, but he just shrugged and took another bite. “I’m sure she’s asleep- didn’t want to wake her. And it’s not like I have to spend all my time with her.” He took his time chewing, slow and careful with his words. “I saw her this afternoon so it’s not like I’m ignoring her existence or anything.”

“Never said you were man, it was just a question.” I could tell he was uncomfortable with the question, but being me I couldn’t stop myself from pushing him. I always gained some sort of small pleasure when he looked unnerved. He made me uneasy so often I figured I deserved a little pay back every now and then. “Just that I figured you’d probably rather spend time with her is all. Sure she’d rather it be her than me too. But bros before hoes right-”

“Shit, are you trying to make me feel bad?” He sounded annoyed, but he huffed it out with a smile and a laugh.

“Nah, I’m not trying to do anything I just-”

“Look, I’ll see her tomorrow, okay? Now please stop being an asshole before I get up and leave you here alone.” I zipped my mouth shut and tossed the imaginary key away. My hand curled itself back around the warm mug while he was shaking his head at me. “You just love pissing me off don’t you?”

“That’s why you called me here, isn’t it? Someone’s gotta do it and I need to make sure it gets done.”

“Trust me, Annie does it enough. She’s just like you- always riling me up for a good laugh. I honestly don’t know why I attract such shit people.”

I laugh along with him because I know it’s what is expected of me, but I’m certain he notices how my fingers scratch against the table and my laugh sounds just a bit too forced simply from an innocent comment like that. In overcompensation, he immediately sits up and laughs a little louder.

“But really though, I guess I deserve it, right? Not like I’m a saint or anything. It’s probably good for me to get picked on sometimes.”

“Maybe she knows that.” I sat back, his demeanor falling. “My guess is she knows you deserve exactly what she’s giving you. I wouldn’t put it past her.”

“Hell if I know.” He sighed into his glass with closed eyes.

“You should listen to her.” One eye opened, staring at me over the rim of his glass. “Maybe she’s trying to tell you something.”

“Yeah, maybe.”  He took a drink, gently setting the glass back down with a nod. “Or maybe I just don’t want to hear it.” He cleared his throat and shot a glance down to his plate. “Sorry-  I guess I've just never dated anyone who's actively tried to change my character. Isn't that kind of the opposite of what you're supposed to do in a relationship?" His brow was scrunched up twisted. "Like people usually say if people try to change you- that's how you know they don't want to be with you."

"Is she actually trying to change you or are you just being as stubborn as always" His face didn't change, but he looked up at me and stared in silence. "What I'm saying is maybe you're just not compromising enough. I know you're not very good about thinking about others, but you kind of have to in this situation. Someone changing you is when they're asking for something unreasonable. Is she asking unreasonable things, or is she wanting you to be more conscious of how she feels? Because you're pretty bad at that, and I wouldn't be surprised if she was just asking for you to care a bit more."

He merely continued staring, as if debating the correct answer or if any answer at all was a good idea. What he settled on was a noncommittal shrug and another bite in his mouth.

"That's a very subjective question. She may see it as cooperation, but I'm not so sure."

"Why don't you talk about with her instead of me then? I don't know anything about the situation since you're being unreasonably vague, which I will leave for later interrogation, but whatever- just talk to her."

Another shrug as he drug his fork through the mess of syrup and smashed fruit on his plate. "I guess that's the only thing to do, yeah?"

"Pretty much-"

"What about you?" He interjected suddenly with his fork pointed at me.

"What about me?" I returned flatly, eyes downcast.

"Seeing anyone lately?" His mouth was already full with another bite. "You don't talk about that stuff much."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"So no one?"

I offered a noncommittal shrug. "No one worth mentioning. Not like I'm actually dating any of them."

He scoffed and twisted his face up. "You're still doing shit like that? Or- should I say doing shit like them-" Partial pride for that joke aside he shook his head. "I don't get how you do it. Seems way to tiring."

"And dating someone you don't want to isn't?"

"Hey!" He snapped quickly. "I never said I didn't want to date her. Sure she's confusing and difficult, but that's just how these things go. At least I'm putting some effort in."

"Minimal." I corrected.

"Minimal is some" He uncorrected. "Aren't you worried if you just keep sleeping around all through college you'll either A, wind up with some disease you don't want or B, never find someone worth being with?"

"A, that's gross please don't talk about that and B, I don't really have that much of a desire in wifing myself up and graduating with my Mrs. degree."

“Very funny.” He droned tacked onto the end of a fake laugh. “All I’m saying is you don’t want to end up alone in your thirties with nothing but an immature personality and the mentality of someone who thinks they have no responsibilities.”

“All of that just because I don’t rush to get married when I’m twenty years old. Jeez, who knew that’s how life would be.”

His fake laugh turned to a snicker as he nodded. “Before you know it you’ll be fifty and surrounded by cats.”

“Ah yes,” I nodded with him. “I always knew I’d end up being an old cat man.”

“It’s okay, you can live in my basement if you want.”

“I’m forever grateful.”

He took a deep breath before smiling through a quiet laugh and dropping his head. A moment of silence passed before him checked his phone and looked back up.  “It’s getting late-” He paused. “Who am I kidding, it was late when we got here but either way- How ‘bout we get out of here?”

Reaching for my wallet from my back pocket, I gave a nod. “Probably should.”

We were out the door within minutes, walking back with more silence than we came with. It wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable, but we’d fallen into a pattern of seeing each other often yet briefly. It’d been a while since it was just the two of us for more than a short passing. With so much time, we’d run out of things to say. It was also a safe bet to assume that the longer we talked to each other the more likely it was for one of us to saying something wrong. It wouldn’t be us if we didn’t make one another uncomfortable and then pretend it wasn’t happening. So usually we opted for silence until one of us could think of something of substance to say. Little did I know, that wouldn’t happen at all for the rest of the walk back. When we reached my apartment, he followed me up to the front of my building.

I checked the time on my phone just as I was about to say goodbye but instead stood aback in my surprise. “Well shit, I have class in four hours.”

He pulled his out to check too before laughing a bit. “I guess that means no sleep for you.”

Shrugging softly I put it back into my pocket. “Wouldn’t be the first time. Who knows- I might just skip.”

“What a bad student you are.” He taunted, tacking on a sneer to go with it. “You brother would be ashamed.”

“Like hell he would. I doubt he did any better than me- especially having to drive to his classes every day. Probably slept through half of them- but hey, not all of us can be star students like yourself.”

“I wish. I’m getting my ass kicked by my classes every day.” His shoulders dropped with a huff. “It’s taking all of my energy just to stay on top of everything.”

“Almost like you’re too stressed to even sleep.” I added in, moving over to the wall beside the door to my building.

“You too?” He asked almost a bit hopeful, but I shot it down with the shake of my head.

“Nah, I just don’t sleep that much in general.”

“That has to be exhausting. I’ve just been doing it for a few weeks and it’s already killing me.” He was still standing in front of me, but he’d dropped his head some. “How do you get anything done?”

“Don’t really. Theoretically it gives me more time to do everything but as you can probably assume, I don’t use that time very wisely. I was just laying around aimlessly when you texted.” He nodded absently, now paying more attention to the line of tree off to the right than anything else. I took the chance to move to the ground and bring my knees up in front of me. “And how about you? Doing some mad studying before just getting so fed up you had to leave?”

I was met with a halfhearted shrug and a little shake of his head. “Not really. I tried to but it didn’t go so well. Not like I have any big test soon or anything, I just like to keep track of all my work.  Plus, I was kind of waiting for something but I eventually gave up on that as well. Annie was supposed to come over- I guess she fell asleep.” My brows twitched it feigned surprise without knowing his eyes were back on me. “Sorry- I should’ve left that part out.”

I glanced up, immediately feeling slight regret at my utter lack of faking how I felt. “Oh, no- it’s cool, I shouldn’t have-”

“No really, it’s my fault. Look-” He shifted into to the walk and slunk to my side, legs crisscrossing as he came down. “You tell me if something I say bothers you, okay?”

My shoulders barely hunched but it was enough for him to notice. “And this is coming from where?” I knew exactly where, but I could try my best to cover things up now.

“It’s just sometimes I think you get a bit uncomfortable when I talk about certain things.”

“Certain things.” I began to repeat over him so he sped up his words.

“You know, things like when I bring her up.” My mouth opened again in the start of a rebuttal but he was quick to shake his head. “Please don’t try to argue with me about this. It’s pretty clear and-” Another beginning of an attempt was quickly shot down. “And Rose told me it bothers you, so you can save your breath. Anything that you will vocally complain about to her is obviously something more than a mere nuisance. I know how anal she gets about that stuff, so telling her about it has some significance; am I wrong?”

“Look John,” The hand that slipped into my jacket pocket gripped the box of cigarettes that I had forgetfully left there. “Sure, it bothers me a bit when she’s brought up, but it’s not like I’m so furious I can’t live with it. I told Rose because she’s a bitch and wouldn’t stop pestering me about it.” Pulling the box out, I began idly rolling it in my hands. “I’d honestly feel a bit ashamed if you honestly didn’t think I could even hold conversation about something as frivolous as you having a girlfriend.”

“Well,” He opened slow and dragged the word out in thought. “In the past you haven’t done much to disprove my assumptions. In fact, you’ve really only done things that support them.”

“What? Like a year ago?” Scoffing, I smacked the pack against the palm of my hand, flicked it open with my thumb, and delicately plucked one out. “Didn’t I agree that I would try to be more comfortable about all of this? Not speaking up about it and causing unneeded tension is me trying my best.” The pack was shoved back into my jacket once the cigarette was hanging from my lips and muffling my words just barely. “I thought I was doing a pretty good job too, but alas I’m mistaken. Yeah, okay. I’ve probably been doing a pretty shit job about not acting weird, but is anyone really surprised?” My hand waved around as I spoke until it dove into the other pocket and- ah yes, there’s my lighter. “Nonetheless, I didn’t expect you to act any differently around me, or not try to talk about her. She’s part of your life now and it’s not like I can do anything about it. As long as she makes you happy bro. Right?” I turned my head towards him slightly as I brought one hand up to cup around the end of the cigarette and the other holding the lighter loosely. I had my thumb on the striker wheel ready to light it until I noticed that he was staring at my mouth and from the looks of it had been for a while. I cleared my throat, hand staying frozen where they were. “Shit- you don’t mind, right?”

Quickly, his eyes, oddly wide, shot back up to mine as he tried his best to remember what I’d said. “Oh, no, uh,” He spluttered a bit, ending with the shake of his head. “No, I don’t care- guess I’d just forgot you even smoked in the first place.”

I couldn’t help but laugh softly as a short flame appeared and was snuffed out just as quick as it had come. I was eager to get that first breath down, turning my head to the side to ensure I blew the smoke away from him. As I began to talk, the last wisps of smoke lingered out with my words. “If that’s the case, you have the worst nose in the history of humans. All my shit reeks at this point.”

He smiled, albeit nervously. “Maybe I’ve just gotten used to the smell.”

When I brought the cig back up, his eyes trailed down to my mouth and watched the end burn bright before dulling again.  I had a brow hiked up, my hand extending silently while I let my throat tingle slightly. Exhaling, I offered it out to him. “Wanna’ try?”

Almost immediately his hands came up to his chest. “Oh- no, I’m good.” Despite his tone, he was still staring at it, ostensibly confused. I couldn’t figure out just what he was thinking, but I settled on a shrug and passive acceptance.

He continued to watch me which admittedly gave me an anxious edge that I did my best to quell by sucking more smoke into my defenseless lungs.

“What happened to just stress smoking?” He asked after a moment with a quizzical laugh.

I gave another shrug, tapping the end and watching the ash flitter to the ground. “Maybe I have a lot of stress.” It was a partial truth, but he didn’t believe one word of it, responding with a derisive snort.

“Maybe that’s bullshit and you just don’t want to admit that you became just another begrudging, angsty teen turned addict.”

“You make me sound so weak.” A lamenting whine instantly morphed into a displeased groan. “Sue me, I let capitalism win.”

He laughed at my exaggerated misfortune but straightened up and cleared his throat. “In true Strider fashion, you managed to avoid my question completely.”

“In my defense, you distracted me. I gave you my answer, didn’t I?”

He stopped, squinted, tried to remember what I’d been saying when he derailed the entire conversation. “All I’m trying to say is-” Clarity came back to his face. “If something is bothering you, you can tell me.”

“Okay.” I rubbed the cigarette butt against the concrete before tossing it a few feet away. Maybe it was the lingering buzz making my heart beat a step faster and my head a tad lighter or maybe it was just the lack of sleep causing a lapse in judgement, but this was as good a time as any. He was asking for it. I shouldn’t lie to his face like this. He wanted me to tell him, so I was just going to make it as simple as I could. Turning my head to stare directly at him, I swallowed thickly, took a deep breath, and grabbed the bull by its balls. “I don’t like it when you talk about your girlfriend because I don’t like her, I’m jealous of her, I don’t think she actually likes you, and I think you treat her like shit.”

He appeared stumped by it. He never handled bluntness well, especially when it involved things he didn’t expect to hear. I know that’s what he assumed I was thinking, but it was another thing entirely for me to actually say it out loud. Sure, I talked a lot on occasion, but it was never things that actually mattered. I usually just skirted around a topic until I had distracted everyone enough to move on. John had expected that to happen this time. For him to confront me and for me to talk through my teeth and fake everything until I either argued or lied my way out of it. But honestly, I was just really tired of my own bullshit. He wanted the truth? He was going to get the truth. I knew he wasn’t going to like honest Dave, but I sure as hell did which is really all that matters.

“Oh.” He replied absently. I gave him whatever time he needed to think through each part, his head nodding lowly. “You don’t like her.” He repeated back to me as if he wanted me to help him through it all.

“On a personal level, I think she’s too happy. No one should appear that happy. And the few times I haven’t seen her happy, she’s just pitiful. It’s like she was trying to draw the sympathy out of me, when in reality, the very thing she was trying to get sympathy for is something I can neither help nor do I care to help-”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, to skip to the last point,” I continued quickly. “You’re a shit boyfriend. Like I was trying to say earlier- I know it, she knows, and I can only hope you do. I doubt it, but-” I trailed off with a shrug, glancing to him.

He didn’t seem upset at all, more just mildly irked. “I know I’m not great, but am I really that bad?”

“I mean, she’s still dating you isn’t she?” The gruff laugh that came wasn’t very convincing. “Maybe she’s just being dramatic.”

“I probably am shit.” He admitted with no sense of regret. “Not like I can help it. What am I supposed to do? Change who I am and how I act? Not really worth it in my opinion.”

I couldn’t help but laugh into my shoulder with some failed attempt to hide it. “Jesus, that’s what we’re talking about. You’re supposed to actively strive to be a better you in a relationship. You’re not changing who you are, you’re just trying to be the best you. Be able to look at them and tell them ‘you make me the best possible version of myself’ not ‘you make me change myself into someone I’m not’.”

“Just some lines people say to try and verbalize their over-romanticized emotions.”

“You sound more and more like me every day. I think we need to stop hanging out.”

He knocked my elbow with his, rocking back into the wall. “I guess I’m just working through some self-reflection.”

“And of course we can’t do that without it happening at the expense of others.”

He smiled proudly. “I learn from the best. Speaking of which,” His features fell again, a telltale sign that the light conversation was about to trampled into the ground. “About that second reason.”

The light tingle of nicotine was fading fast and my tired rational was coming back. “I was kind of hoping you’d ignore it.”

That comment was the only thing he ignored as he tapped his feet inattentively. “Care to elaborate?”

“I think it was pretty clear by itself, yeah?” I got a one shoulder shrug and the tweak of his mouth to the side. “I’ve explained myself in the past, not much has changed.”

He sat still now, most likely unsatisfied with the answer. After a moment without any sign of me continued, his mouth opened. “You know.” He started out softly, breath escaping into the cold air with a laugh as the back of his head bumped against the wall. "I've wanted to ask you just why you think you like me so much a few times- but usually when it gets brought up you get annoyed and flustered so I've just avoided it all together.” He then tilted his head down enough to give me a small wink and another laugh. “Maybe one day I'll get you drunk enough that you'll tell me- but then again probably not. I’m beginning to think you don't even get drunk. How much drinking did you do senior year that you built up that much of a tolerance before even starting college? Honestly I’m impressed. You make me feel like an amateur sometimes.”

“I don’t really like getting drunk around other people.” Especially you, I rightfully omitted as my fingers twiddled against each other between wide spread knees.

“Why’s that?” He pushed. “Get a little sloppy? Dance too much? Angry drunk? -I can see you being an angry drunk. Or maybe someone who has way too much fun? Like everybody becomes your best friend and everything is just so great? That sounds better; I’d like to think you’re the opposite of sober you.”

“Ouch.” I bit out and he curled back a bit.

“Oh no dude- sorry, shit. That sounded a little mean didn’t it.” A nervous laugh this time. “I just meant that it’d be funny if you were super outgoing of something. I don’t know. People always talked about booze being great because it lets you be freer and have less regard for what other people thought. I think that’d be something good for the both of us.”

I glanced over at him from the corner of my eye to find his eyes squinted up in an anxious smile. “And is that the experience you’ve had with it and other people?”

“Well,” A hand was on the back of his neck rubbing softly. “I guess you could say that. I mean, I’ve always been pretty outgoing.”

God didn’t I know that. I held back the ruder of two comments and let out a quiet click of my tongue instead. “Schmoozy is more like it.”

“Hey, who doesn’t like a schmoozer?”

“Everyone,” I point out quickly, “everyone doesn’t like them.” But he just laughed.

“Alright, criticize all you want, but you still never answered me.”

“I guess that’s just it.” It was coupled with a small shrug. “I don’t like getting that friendly with strangers. Guess I can’t keep my mouth shut sometimes.”

“Didn’t seem to have that problem last time we- I- got drunk now did we?”

“One, that was forever ago. And two, I wasn’t nearly as drunk as you that night Mr. Lightweight. When I do actually get as drunk as you were, which might I add rarely happens, it’s a never ending, unfiltered upchuck of words. And usually when that soberly happens you just tell me to shut up.”

My eyes were still cut over at him, flicking down from my reflection in his glasses as he grinned wide, the cold making his cheeks and nose rosy against the rest of his pale face. "Right, but you never listen even then, so why would drunk rambling be any different?” There was the quick shake of his head as his features settled back down. “All you do is overthink anyway. Never listen, never act, just overthink and convince yourself you're right.” After that came a small pause like he was debating whether to continue; or maybe he was just contemplating what exactly he should continue with. “Though I don't blame you- the few times when you do act have been utterly horrible decisions.” Apparently the latter because he stopped again and took a deep breath. His eyebrows were so closely knitted together that it could only be aching to keep them like that. He finally seemed to manage to shake his nerves and let his mouth do its best. “Like kissing me for instance?” I sucked in a breath to plea for him to stop, but he powered through. “Here me out- What the fuck was that?” It all came out in one long, strained breath where at the end the words were dying and falling off. He was still smiling but it was now the smile he forced on when he was uncomfortable or pitying someone. I could tell his shoulders had come up a bit and he was wringing his hands slowly.

I tried my hardest to sink into the wall behind us, back and shoulders pressed firmly into the cold brick. Realizing that wasn’t going to happen, I shrunk down and exhaled into my lap. “Look John I think we’ve covered this enough. How many times am I going to have to explain my regret of how foolish I was back then? I mean I-”

“How did you think that was going to go well?” He clearly hadn’t been listening to a word I’d said. He was just staring forward and idly scratching at the back of his hand. “Have you even met me? I'm clearly not the most rational and comfortable person so I really don't know what you expected of me." He gave me a look that seemed like he was slightly waiting for my interjection, but I just sat in awe and confusion until he kept going. "Right, well, I guess you've learned something at least. And yes, I'll admit that I probably over reacted. Obviously freaking out a little bit when your best friend kisses you and practically confesses their love for you. No big deal that my best friend has been obviously hiding something from me for years, no big deal that he, he, tried to kiss me- nah, no big deal at all." He look straight at me, staring hard and with intensity. "I overreacted, yeah?"

I stayed silent knowing full well he was just trying his best to justify his own actions. Which I will admit is a bit confusing since he keeps telling me that he was a jerk but then goes on the try and make me understand why it was okay that he was a jerk.

"And yet you wonder why don't tell you when I go on dates." He bubbled through a quick laugh. "You're so irrational and hotheaded. Why would you think I'd tell you about going on a date when you like-like me? I mean come on, I'm not that much of an asshole.”

“You seemed fine with all of it at first.” Was an interjection I knew he was waiting for and I couldn't keep it in my mouth despite valiant efforts.

His head moved back in surprise as his eyes went just a tad wider. “What do you mean?”

“It’s something that’s been bothering me for a while actually.” I had suddenly realized while he was sitting beside me rambling away that this was probably the first time he’d brought this up without getting angry. Sure, he seemed flustered and awkward, but that’s just how he is most of the time anyway. Every time before this when we had even begun to discuss all the shit that’d happened in the past few years, one of us got too angry and nothing productive ever came from it. But whether it was the weather or the amount of time we’d had to get used to things, I don’t think either of us could find it in ourselves to be angry right now. And I was going to use it to my advantage. More than anything I wanted to get out of the depressing holes we’d dug and separated ourselves into. We finally needed to fix this, and I was determined to make some steps in a positive direction. That started with unearthing the little things that had been eating away at me for so long. Bringing up things that bothered me the most with a level head and an even more level tone. “You seemed to accept it so easy right after it happened. Sure, yeah, you overreacted, but we talked about it and, well I thought it would be okay. Back then, before we ever came here we talked about it a little, remember?” He stared back at me in utter confusion but gave what I could only assume was him trying to nod. “Right. So what happened? You were uncomfortable I know, but suddenly things seemed to change. I remember you being weird around me for a bit, but it was never as bad as it was until we came here. Then it was just like all of the sudden you couldn’t stand the idea of me anymore.” He seemed so shocked that I was talking about it that I had rendered him speechless. I was beginning to think he’d expected me to push him away and leave when he brought it up. I bet he was trying to process it all, but he likely couldn’t do it fast enough.

“What?” He offered quietly. It was an afterthought; a word that fell out on the tail end of his breath without even really meaning anything.

“What happened that made you so angered by something I did once in a fit of desperation? Why did you so suddenly become uneasy around me? You were fine and then suddenly you weren’t. Did I do something? Did someone say something? I just- I don’t understand what changed.”

He was still staring at me, eyes wider than he probably wanted them to be and all other movement halted. Suddenly, he melted back into a familiar grin and shook his head. “It sure is getting late isn’t it?” He asked with the tilt of his head. “Boy,” His hands were on his knees in an instant, pushing himself to his feet. “I really should be heading back to my apartment.”

My eyes followed him, jaw slightly slack in misunderstanding. “John,” I called in a whisper but he started to back up as soon as I tried.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and plastered a grin across his face. “You know Dave, you’re not the only one who overthinks things.”

And with that he was scuffling away with his nose in his scarf before I could think through any other words. He left me like he always did, alone and confused. He was a master of last lines, and I knew I could never compete.

So much for working towards progress.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drink responsibly kids

I don’t know how many times in my life I’d have to say this but damn, things with John were different. Different both from how they had been recently as well as different from the way they had been before. This time I think it happened more gradual than the others. There wasn’t a clear reason that I could pick out and say ‘yes- this is why he’s being weird’. Usually one of us had done something or said something to make things uncomfortable, but this time I couldn’t find a reason. Maybe uncomfortable wasn’t the right word for it. It wasn’t like we didn’t see each other or we weren’t talking. We saw each other every couple of days, we even spent more time alone together than we had in years. We talked constantly when we were apart, and I thought finally we were getting back to how we used to be. On the surface, everything seemed normal. The first few months of the semester had went smoothly. However, it was the little things, only the things that I could realize being different. It was the words he chose, the lack of ease we had tried so hard to recreate from rubble, the fleeting glances that I couldn’t decipher and that he tried to deny doing. Either he’d flinch away, retracting himself but trying to make it as casual as he could, or he would let me get too close. There were rare occasions when I felt like he was deliberately putting himself in my space. He’d sit too close, shoulder to shoulder and act completely normal. It made me question anything else he did because he would just as quickly go back to shifting away awkwardly in my presence that it left me completely dumbfounded as to just what he thinking. I couldn’t think of a way to question that very fact without sounding bothered. If it was one of the other things would have been a little better. Maybe then I would have had a chance at figuring him out. But with the way things had been recently, I was completely lost.

At first, I hadn’t noticed anything. Because it wasn’t the sudden shift in behavior that I was used to, he left me confused and startled. Things seemed as normal as they could have been. Until they weren’t. Even so, things weren’t necessarily bad. It wasn’t as if he was being cold or unfriendly. It was more of mild discomfort and uneasiness. I’d seen and heard worse from him, but that didn’t lead me to try and see if I could figure it out- see if I had done something I was unaware of.

I asked him about it one day, and the conversation went just about as poorly as I expected it too. It was over and done with in approximately three minutes, most of which was filled by silence and unending stares. We’d been sitting in my room for the purpose of studying, but that quickly morphed into John laying with his phone inches from his face on my bed and me half reading half staring at him trying to figure out how I would ask this. I couldn’t settle on anything better than going straight for it, looking back, saying something different most likely wouldn’t have helped anyway.

“Hey- are you doing okay?”

His thumbs tapping at his screen stalled, brows lifting just slightly. He brushed off the initial stun of the question quickly but turned his head a bit, stared surprised just a few seconds too long. “Yeah, of course. Why?”

I shrugged, trying my best to make everything as nonchalant as I could. I’d been peering over my book at him, but I shut and let it fall to my lap. “You just seem off lately is all. Didn’t know if I had said something.”

“’Course not. I didn’t know I seemed that way.” He laughed then, smiling wide but unconvincing. “Thanks for pointing it out though. Maybe I’m just not sleeping enough.”

Clear to me that I wasn’t going to get anywhere, I pulled my mouth thin just shy of pursing. “Just let me know if I can ever do anything for you.” My head had fallen back down to the book, now open and resting against my knees, but from behind my bangs I could still see his grin had fallen back into an empty stare.

“Thanks.” He responded vacantly, nodding as if to shake something from his head before looking back up at his phone.

 

To exhaust all of my possible outlets, I then turned to questioning Rose who admittedly didn’t spend as much time as I did with him, but I had to do what I could. And that went just about as well as the first had. Whether or not she knew anything, she didn’t say a word that was in any way helpful.

She’d dragged me along with her to the library while she was in search of a book. She claimed I was there to help her in case she couldn’t reach something. Although that may have been true, I knew her to never be the one to outwardly admit to wanting to spend time with someone. She always needed a reason behind another person’s presence- even someone like me who’d she’d known since birth. So here I was with her, silently recognizing that she wanted me around whether simply for her convenience or otherwise.

Presently, her eyes scanned the shelves, finger on her chin as she thought. I’d followed her around blindly for a good ten minutes, saying little other than quiet condescending comments about the people around us. She chided me, per usual, but still partook on occasion and couldn’t stifle the entirety of her hushed chuckles. Yet, after another five minutes of mostly silence and her snapping at books just out of her reach for me to retrieve, I needed to do what I really came for. I cleared my throat first, handing her another book to add to the stack growing in the cradle of her arm. "So-” A small hum of acknowledgement. “You talked to John recently?" I began causally, but immediately her eyes were on me with interest and skepticism.

"We talk often as friends usually do.” Another snap and point to a book, older than the others and pulling along with it a small puff of dust. “Is there something particular you think we may have been talking about?"

I couldn't meet her eyes, my head down as I clicked around aimlessly on my phone as soon as I had handed her to book. I didn't even have anything to hide but I somehow still couldn't look at her dead on.

"Not really." It wasn't really a lie. I didn't know what was up with him so I couldn't think of anything specific that he would've shared with her. Even so, she hummed as if I was leaving something out so I tried again. "He seems off. Just curious."

She paused. "I haven't noticed." Was her response as she flipped the cover open, thumbing through a few pages before handing it back to me and pointing up at the hole it had left. "He's an off guy most of the time. It can be taxing to separate one off mood from another." I returned it to the shelf without looking up, but I could feel her glancing up at me. "Have you spoken to him?"

"Yeah, says he didn't notice."

"Maybe nothing is wrong then.” Her back was to me then, continuing to another shelf “Don't make mountains out of mole hills, dear."

My grasp on my phone tightened and my face scrunched up. I wasn’t making mountains out of anything. Something was different, I just couldn’t figure out what. I muttered a response along those lines under my breath, but a sharp glance quickly came over the curve of her shoulder that sent her hair swishing around her face. It was longer than it had been in a while was my first thought. My second was that I never quite gave her the credit or compliment of how endearing she could be. Petite and pale faced yet stern and refined she stunned me for a second until my third thought came flitting in. I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. How had I forgotten how exhausting trying to ask Rose anything was; especially when it could possibly lead to a lecture? I put on a deep set scowl hoping that would convince her to turn around and leave me alone before she chewed me out in the middle of a library like a mother would do to her young child. Instead she challenged my expression, bangs settling to frame her eyes beautifully.

“Keep your face like that too long and it’ll stick.” She scorned before quickly wiping her head back straight.

“Says the nineteen year old with crow’s feet and frown lines.”

She waved her hand at me in dismissal. “I don’t know what you’re talking about- my skin is impeccable.”

 

With that attempt failing to be worth the trouble of it all, I dropped the topic with her and moved on to my next and last option.

The only other person I knew who would have any sort of insight on the situation would have been Sollux considering he’d lived with him for a year, but he was even less helpful than I imagined he could be.

The apartment was quiet when I returned, the only noise was Karkat typing away on his laptop from the couch and something running in the microwave. He didn’t even look up when I passed, but instead simply pointed toward the small balcony connected to the living room. With the sound of the door sliding open, Sollux twisted to look over his shoulder and offered a small wave.

“Welcome home.” He muttered around the end of a cigarette. He was leaning against the railing, hunched over on his elbows.

“Hey-” I slid the door shut again, leaning against the wall next to it. There was about enough room for three people at most to stand out here, a bag chair and a small table taking up most of the space.

“Someone’s happy.” He had turned back to look down at the street below. “What’s got you in a knot this time?”

My arms crossed over my chest as I faked offense. “You say that as if there’s always something wrong.”

“And that’s not true?” A short glance over his shoulder. “You’re always wound up about this or that. It’s honestly exhausting just to be around you. I don’t know how you survive being so strung out.”

“It’s exhausting just to look at you- how are you even still functioning on the amount of sleep you get?”

He reared back a bit, lifting both his hands. The cigarette in one and a mug in the other, he settled back down without a word.

“Healthy.” I remarked with a quick exhale of a laugh.

There was a subtle shake of his head before he stood fully and turned around, ash flittering down from his fingers. “Don’t act like you don’t do the same.”

“Okay, okay,” I waved my hand dismissively, swatting at the air between us. “We’re both pieces of shit and are the prime examples what not to do. At least I have a slightly valid reason.”

He hiked up a skeptical brow while his lip curled. “Which is?”

“John’s been acting weird and he doesn’t seem to acknowledge it.”

Immediately he’s thrown himself into a fit of sighing and slumping against the railing. “And we’re back to John. You spend more time concerned about him than you do yourself. He’s an adult you know? I’m sure he can take care of himself.”

My face fell into a scowl but he quickly matched it. “Look, we’ve been friends a long time. I know when something isn’t right.”

“That doesn’t mean you should meddle.” He extended the mug and waved his arm around making the coffee slosh and threaten to spill. “Don’t you think if he wanted you to know he’d tell you?”

“That’s just it.” I knocked the mug away before retracting my arm and crossing them defensively. “I know him. I know when he wants to be left alone. He doesn’t say things flat out. You have to drag them out of him. Hell- half the time he doesn’t even know what’s bothering him until you point it out to him.”

“So you’re going to tell him what’s wrong before he decides it for himself?” A scoff. “Yeah, okay, that’s healthy.”

“Better than him being weird and distant for no reason-” My head dropped a bit with a huff. “I just don’t know what it is and none of you are being any help at all.”

“I don’t know what you want from me man- it’s not like we were best friends for nine months.” He was talking to me while smoke trailed from his mouth that was quickly replaced by the rim of a coffee mug. “I talked to you more in a day than I did to him in a week. Either he was out studying or there studying and didn’t want to be talked to, or he was out with friends. Or you know there were the months when he was just blatantly angry with me about the whole-” He gestured between the two of us contemptuously, ash falling to the ground near my feet. “-whatever that was for like five minutes.”

“So what, you don’t talk to him at all?”

“Eh, I wouldn’t go that far,” He turned around fully now, elbows resting on the rail as he leaned back into it. “More like maybe once a week. Our friendship, if it really even is that, is more of a “hey, look at this funny picture” and not so much “hey how are you, any internal crises you’d like to share with me” kind of deal.”

I sighed again, a hand finding its way into my hair to run through it with a tug. “I need more helpful friends than you lot.”

He suddenly chuckled, throwing his head toward the door. “Why don’t you ask Karkat, he probably knows more than I do.”

The sheer shock of that statement brought confusion to my face faster than most things had in a while. “They’re friends?”

“More so than he and I are- I know, shocking.”

“How-”

“No idea.” He shrugged but was grinning nonetheless. “Probably sit around complaining about you if I had to guess.” My unamused gaze led him to wave me off. “It’s most likely true, but if you want a serious answer, I’m guessing it’s because they have classes together.”

“To be honest, I lived with him for a year and I couldn’t even tell you what his major is.”

“He’s changed it so much your guess is as good as mine.”

I glanced to the door, watching him continue to sit there and type away at his laptop but now with a bowl with something hot sitting between his legs. It was worth a shot I guess- best lead I’d gotten from the start of all of this. “Might as well try, I suppose.” Pivoting on my foot, I slid the door open enough to stick my head through. “Hey Kar-”

“No.” He replied immediately, continuing to not even grace me with a glare.

“Do you think John’s been acting weird lately?” I asked anyway, which only caused the slightest twitch of a reaction.

He quickly pushed any and all of his first thoughts away, typing paused only for a few seconds. “John who? I don’t know who you’re talking about.”

“Come on-” My words drawled out as I hung on the door. “Anything at all will help me? Just one thing, one word.”

His eyes were back on his laptop but his hands stopped again and raised in a shrug. “I don’t know who that is, so how can I possibly help?”

“You’re an ass.” My voice was deadpan and with no sense of a joking tone, hand gripping the door a little bit tighter.

Finally, and entirely to my remorse, he lifted his head with the fakest smile I’d ever seen painted across his face. “Love you too, sweetie.” And just like that it was gone, back to a settled scowl. “Now please leave me alone.”

I sighed and yet something about his overt irritation made me smile and slink back out of the doorway. “We’re just the most bestest friends aren’t we?”

 

Without any help from any of them and no way I could have possibly figured this thing out on my own, I’d decided my best option was to give up and let things work themselves out. And by work themselves out I meant fester until you couldn’t do as much as even looking in John’s general direction before his temper got the best of him. He was, for the most part, a calm person. He didn’t think all that rationally, but you couldn’t call him a hot head or malevolent. It wasn’t until he was left alone with a problem that he grew short spoken and spiteful. I’d recently come to think I was his favorite person to let the tension out on, but that could just be me playing the victim like I’d apparently come so used to doing. However, seeing no other plausible option of figuring this whole thing out; letting him sit and stew in his own discomfort was the plan.

The answer would come soon enough on its own- wouldn’t it? He’d eventually implode like he usually did and leave a trail of destruction in his wake. I was used to it, I expected it, and yet I felt uneasy. There was an impending sense of doom that lurked behind his fake smiles and hollow laughs. I should have known I was right. Though, he always did seem to catch me off guard.

And yet, when the answer finally came, it didn’t come wrapped in a nice box or written on a piece of paper neatly folded into an envelope. No, it came in a fury that I could have never readied for even if I’d had years of preparation. It made every other explosion he’d had seem like a mere rumble of distant thunder. A small ripple belying the true nature of the oncoming storm.

I was unaware and naïve. I started out irritated- impatient, but I wish I’d had just a bit more time to bask in the calm of my own cluelessness.

The answer came like many situations I’d been thrown into in my life. This one was just as equally annoying and exhausting. It was the middle of the semester at this point, air just cold enough to make you shiver while walking outside. Things were going relatively normal considering most things I’d been through. I was doing better in school and kept up an, at least, functioning social life. In most aspects, I was rather proud of how far I’d come in the past few years. And so, I was utterly dumbfounded as to why I was in the current predicament. Repeating over conversations from the past few hours still left me with no resolve as to how I ended up sitting on a couch that already had a few too many people taking up too little space. There was a cup nestled between my hands, unknown liquid sloshing and threatening to spill onto my lap whenever anyone moved from the couch and another forcefully threw themselves onto it. My left ear was hurting from the speaker in the corner of the room thumping out a bass distinctive to a song everyone else seemed to know. Evaluating the utter hell that was the party I was apparently partaking in, I found myself repeating two questions in my head and trying to find the answers.

Question one: why the hell am I here

Question two: why the _hell_ and I _here_

In order to try and figure it all out, I took myself back about six hours.

Rose had thrown the door open to my apartment, slamming it back before making a beeline to my room. Another door flung open, phone waving above her head.

“You know,” She began as she flung herself onto my bed. “When your sister texts you, you really should answer her.”

I had been sitting at my desk, chin in my hands as I read the book lying open before me. After finishing a paragraph, I lifted my head, turned, and sat back into the chai. “Maybe my sister should have taken the hint when I didn’t respond to the fifth message she sent.”

She ignored me, quickly sitting up and crossing one leg over the other. “So what’s your answer?”

My eyes had fallen back down to my book in attempt to block her out which I knew would be futile. “I figured you would accept my lack of an answer as a no.”

“And yet here I am.”

My finger flipped a page despite having read less than half of what was on the last one. “And yet here you are.”

“It’s just one party- have you ever even been to something like this?”

“Yes mom, I’ve been to a party. And I’ve decided that I’d rather not go to any more.”

She clicked her tongue at me, fingers tapping against her knee. “Will you stop pretending to read that book and have an actual conversation with me?”

“I think I’m doing a pretty good job at multitasking right now.”

She huffed, abandoning that approach as quickly as she’d taken it up. “I’ll make sure you have fun.”

“What a compelling argument.”

“I’ll buy you lunch tomorrow.”

“Rose, come on-”

“John will be there.” She added quickly as if that was some incentive that was immediately going to make me jump at the opportunity.

“Good for him.” It was a passive response, coupled with a shrug. “It’s the kind of thing he’d like.”

“I honestly thought you’d be more excited by the possible prospect of staring broodingly and pathetically at John from across the room like you usually do.”

“Broodingly huh? And here I thought I was being inconspicuous about it all.”

She guffawed, arms crossed over her chest and head thrown back. “I know you’re joking but the thought of you being in any way inconspicuous is more humorous than anything I’ve heard all day.”

I glanced around my desk trying to find anything that could aid in distracting myself from her and this conversation. “And that’s just one of the many reasons I’d rather stab myself in the leg with a fork than go.”

“You can’t go back to avoiding him. I know you said he’s acting weird, but it really is exhausting to watch you both to hold unexplainable grudges and pretend like you don’t care.”

“Then you must have some sort of inkling about how exhausting it is for me.”

Suddenly she was behind me, arms going over my shoulders and her cheek pressing against the top of my head. “Honestly, you’re the most exasperating person I know.”

I still laughed once and gave as much of a shrug as I could with her weight on me. “He doesn’t want to be near me but then he does. He doesn’t want to talk about it but he doesn’t want to ignore me. He says he’s fine but every time he comes around here he gets weird and standoffish.” Her arms stiffen a fraction but she’s soon loosened them to pull back and stand straight. Despite the weight lifted, I slump forward and sigh against my desk. “I can’t figure him out and that seems to both calm and frustrate him. Does he expect me to just know what I’m doing wrong without him telling me? Because that’s some psycho bullshit that I don’t want any part of.”

“Sounds like he needs to work it out on his own.”

“Then he should stop making it my problem. I don’t see him acting this way towards any of you.”

I swear she laughed at that, but when I turned around she was already walking toward the door. “There will be alcohol.”

“Oh yeah, that’s definitely something I’ve never had problems with in the past.” I began to roll my eyes, but I stopped when I found her turned back around and staring at me. I couldn’t tell why exactly she was so adamant that I go, but something about her stare was more unnerving than it usually was.

“I’ll be there.”

“And you’re just a blast when you’re drunk.” I’d meant for it to be just as sarcastic as the last, but after it came out I realized the mistake in what I’d said. She stopped at that, mouth pursing and eyes turning narrow. “Rose-”

“No. You’re right.” She was immediately back to waving her hand around and acting as if I hadn’t just offended her deeper than I’d originally meant to. “I can only imagine how insufferable dealing with a drunk person is. Of course I’d never know that. It’s not as if I’ve ever spent any extended period of time around anyone drunk. How could I have been so insensitive to your feelings?”

I sighed long and drawn out. It ended winded with an arm draped over my eyes. “Rose that’s not what I meant.”

“Of course not.” She stood, tossing the book to my bed and straightening out her shirt. “You never mean anything.”

I could tell she was turning to leave again. She stalled at first, contemplating saying more, but quickly snapped her mouth shut and took a step towards the door. I sat up to catch her wrist in my hand and tug her back a step. She seemed rather bothered by the gesture, tugging her hand away before looking back over her shoulder.

My hand was still hanging in the air as she stared me down without moving. “Why do you want me to go so bad? It’s not like you haven’t done these things without me before.”

She laughed while giving a soft shake of her head. “Is it so bad that I’d like to have fun with my brother? You need to get out more. I fear you’re going to go crazy keeping yourself locked up in here all the time.” My arm came back, crossing with the other over my chest. “I never thought I’d say this, but maybe you should stop studying for a weekend and come along with me.”

I continued to stare at her, but we both knew nothing more than that was going to be said. “I think one of these days we should actually get to the point where we can say what we mean.”

Her response was quick and clipped with a smile. “We never mean anything.”

When she left, I moved myself over to my bed. I fell back against the pillows with a loud sigh, arm slung over my eyes. If anything I would have guessed she was trying to guilt me into going. And look at that- it just might be working. Even though the two of us never stayed mad at each other for more than a few hours now, those hours were usually filled with unnerving regret on my part. After a long, drawn out exhale, I pulled my phone up above me and peeked out from underneath my arm.

_fine._

It was all I sent, and all I needed to send apparently; because I immediately got a message back that made me groan.

_Glad you’re seeing things my way._

My obligation to attend was only further forced upon me when John joined in on the guilting- whether he knew it or not.

Between the spring semester, frequent phone calls over summer, and having lived with him for almost three months, I could easily acknowledge that I’d never been able to warm up to a person as quickly as I had to Sollux. Even with John there were months of disliking him that took a considerable amount of time to get past. And despite ignoring him and trying my best to avoid him at first, once Sollux and I did move past all that happened in the beginning, we were admittedly pretty good friends. And because we put to rest everything that had happened between us for the betterment of ourselves and our relation with John, my current state of being didn’t bother me at all. The same could not be said for John. For when he threw the apartment door open to find us lying on the couch, Sollux propped against the arm with one leg up against the back of it and the other on the floor while I lounged with my back to his chest and controllers in both our hands, his expression was a site to see. I paused the game in time to study his eyes widened considerably and hand gripping the door knob enough to make a sound. I could feel Sollux make an effort to sit up behind me, but I didn’t move. I was fastened in place just as John’s eyes were on my own. There wasn’t so much shock in them now as more of a confused daze. In his own true fashion, he recovered quickly. His hand loosened from the door and found its way to the back of his head, grin being slapped on slightly parted lips faster than it had faded.

“Sorry for intruding like that- hope I didn’t scare you guys.”

There was a deep exhale against the top of my head and I determined that since John was going to ignore whatever he had been thinking and feeling when he opened the door, I had no reason to stay in such a position and try to draw it out of him.

“Don’t mind, you didn’t.” I breathed back as I settled into the couch and draped my arms along the back of it.

My mouth was open to keep going, but in one breath he was already speaking again with his eyes on the floor and his hands wringing one another while he paced slightly. “Yeah well, I was in the building giving some notes to one of my lab partners, and Rose had mentioned that you may be coming with her tonight, so I figured I’d stop by and see for myself because honestly I was a bit shocked when she told me that , I mean, you’re not exactly the one to come to these sorts of things- not that I’m saying you shouldn’t come, hell, I’d love for you to be there I’m sure you’ll have a good time and all, it’s just that, you know, it may not be your crowd, so if you don’t want to come that’s understandable, and I’m not going to make you do anything that would be uncomfortable- what kind of friend would I be if I did that- okay really all I’m saying is that if you want you can, but if not, that’s fine- I’ll always see you some other time so don’t feel obligated, I’m sure she said something to make you feel obligated- Rose is always doing those things, so please-”

“John.” My head had fallen back against the couch, eyes shut as he continued to spiral even though I was certain he had run out of breath a long time ago. Calling his name just loud enough to make him jolt was enough to shut him up and bring his eyes to my neck. With a huff I lifted my head and let it fall lazily to the side. “I told Rose I’m coming didn’t I?” His eyes looked up a bit, not really focused on my own but more north- my hair maybe? My eyebrows? I couldn’t exactly tell, but he was quick to correct himself and let the fall the fraction of an inch down. Meeting mine they livened up a bit and gave a quick flutter of lashes behind shades.

“Yes, well-” He began again, quieter this time around.

“Then I’ll be there.”

A few blinks, a clench of the jaw, and a harsh swallow breath were few signs of what? Fleeting fear? Anxiety? Confusion? I didn’t know. Though I didn’t have time to decide because the grin was back full swing as he nodded a bit.

“Sounds great. I’m glad to hear it.” His hands quickly flew to his pockets after a curt wave. “I should be going then, a couple of the guys asked me to help them get the house ready for it.” He gave another flash of his teeth. “I guess I’ll see you there then?”

I nodded which he took as a good sign to swivel on his heels and depart with a speedy goodbye.

Once the door shut, it was silent in the apartment save the faint noise of Karkat’s television from the cracked door of his bedroom and the soft music of the paused screen. Sollux was the first to break it, clearing his throat and peering over at me and with an expression that seemed to be somewhere between concerned and lost.

“You’re definitely right about one thing,” He started, eyes going back to the door. “Something’s very much not okay with him.”

I could only nod once more before unpausing the game and deciding to deal with whatever the fuck that was later.

And later just happened to be the exact moment when I was pondering why the hell I was at this party before answering my own question with the fact that I am weak and can be easily guilted into doing things.

I’d seen John a few other times while being here, just a few glances past the faces of others. He hadn’t made any attempt to come say hello past the first when I’d entered with Rose, but he knew plenty more people here than I did. He also seemed to be ignoring those glances even when our eyes did meet- half a second and he’d be looking away or acting like he was just making a sweep across the crowd. From that alone I wasn’t about to approach him.

There was a beer in my hand now having traded in my cup o’ shit liquor in order to keep myself at least functionally drunk.  The buzz had settled low in my stomach making everything a bit warm and fuzzy; the tips of my fingers already going slightly numb. I’d moved from my seat on the couch to take a position of standing against the wall. It was much easier to pretend I wasn’t there when I didn’t have people constantly jostling me around. In the beginning I’d tried my best to embrace the situation I’d found myself in, but as time passed and people got drunker, that was harder and harder to do. We’d been here for what? Two- three hours? Rose was long gone and probably not thinking about me in the least. The few conversations I’d had were short and filled with nonsense words that meant nothing more than the intention they came from. The majority of the time was spent either on watching people behave idiotically or with my head down and my phone close to my face. This behavior ultimately allowed for a distraction until abruptly and, at first, unbeknownst to me, John was by my side against the wall. Originally I’d thought he was just another person who didn’t want to be there, but once I actually turned my head I could see that familiar grin. He had a cup to his lips as if to hide his face and disguise himself. It was quickly lowered once I’d stared at him for a few seconds, head rolling to the side in order to grin openly at me.

“You look positively miserable.” He mused after giving me a quick once over.

I shrugged, turning to stare back into the crowd. “More or less.”

“Oh-” He drawled out dramatically, and arm suddenly slung over his eyes. “What a shame. And here I was thinking the incorrigible grump that is Dave may actually have fun for once.”

“If I’m such an incorrigible grump, this shouldn’t be a surprise to you-”

He slunk down with a huff, head hitting my shoulder and causing all of my muscles to go rigid. “What an insatiable, inveterate, irredeemable grouch you are.”

“What big words for such an amenable, acquiescent, assentive schmooze.”

He huffed again, rubbing his cheek against my arm before a hand came up to rub his forehead. “None of those words are very nice, I don’t appreciate this kind of ridicule.”

“No?” The corner of my mouth quirked up. “How about garrulous? Loquacious? Verbose? Voluble? Take your pick, I have many.”

“Now you’re just showing off.” He finally- _finally_ \- pushed away from me and swept his hair back. “Besides- I don’t talk that much. Your words are therefore inaccurate.”

“Okay, well maybe that’s true as of lately. At least not to me.”

“I’m sorry?” He offered, seeming unsure of just what I’d meant.

“Lately. You’re being weird.”

His face scrunched, hands curling into loose, unthreatening fists. “I’m not being weird-”

My brows lifted, unconvinced. “You’re being pretty weird bro.”

“Weird how?”

Normally I would’ve blown him off with a vague answer or a passive phrase, but I took a deep breath and let my mouth take the lead over my brain. “You don’t talk to me- then you do. You don’t want to be close to me- then you’re suddenly uncharacteristically touchy. You’re distant- then feel like you need to tell me everything that’s happened since I last saw you down to what you ate for lunch. Sometimes you’re how you were back in high school and then you’re back to acting like I broke your arm and killed a beloved pet. Now, I know you’re pretty moody-” He was quick to try and refute that point put it got lost when I raised my voice a bit. “-we both are, time to get over it- but you’ve never been like this. At least not to me.”

“Oh really-”

“Ok, well, it’s like you either go from talking to me all the time to ignoring my existence, but it’s usually large chunks of time, you know? Not really day to day basis like it’s been for the past few months.”

“I haven’t really-”

“Like I get if it’s something I did, but you could at least give me a head up about what exactly that is.”

“It’s not-”

“And yeah, ok , I don’t like Amy-”

“Annie” He quickly corrects, pretending not to know as well as I did that I did it on purpose.

“Whatever- I don’t like her, but honestly I thought I’d covered my reasons and you were okay with it all; but if you’re not just let me know. If that’s the reason for all of this, if for some reason you can’t deal with the fact that I don’t like your girlfriend please just let me know and maybe I can try again.”

“No, Dave-”

“No, no, I can try. I can do my best to pretend to like her so you can bring her around again. Thanks for not making me be near her since I told you, but really, if that’s what’s causing all this ridiculous drama then I swear I’ll pretend to be okay with it. It’d be worth it if you’d stop acting like the little shit you are and put on some big boy panties.”

His hand was on my shoulder, gripping tightly. “Really, it’s not about her.”

“Then why are you being so weird- just talk to me.”

His eyes closed, growing tighter by the second. “Shit man, look I just can’t explain-”

“Come on John-” His eyes opened again, looking up at me. “This is getting ridiculous. You’re not explaining anything. Every time you talk to me you’re either skirting around things or pretending not to hear me.” I didn’t mean for my tone to be so condescending and dismissive, nor did I intend the effect it had on him.

His hand slunk away, drunken anger taking over his previous wide eyed stare. “Well sorry,” He drawled in a low voice. “I didn’t realize you’re the only one who can sulk their way through their feelings.”

Things weren’t adding up again, moods switched instantaneously. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Apparently nothing. Apparently I’m not talking to you at all.” He continued and caused my eyes to turn up. His face was soft despite his attempt to appear serious. He was drunk, that was clear enough by the demonstration of more physical contact than he’s given me in months. It was further confirmed in the slight flush of his face, the light sheen of sweat on his forehead, and the way his eyes were tired but warmly so.

“Look, I just meant,” The lip of the bottle was an inch from my mouth but it fell as he inhaled quickly.

“I’m not talking to you.” I couldn’t tell if the question was genuine or accusatory. I’m not sure he quite knew either. “That’s what you said.”

Finding no clear escape, I lowered the bottle. “I mean- you do- I just-” His face was pinching together and fists were forming. “I feel like you’re saying everything but the one thing you actually mean. I don’t exactly know what that thing is, but- I don’t know. It’s just a feeling.”

He went soft again, confused, rash anger fading into some sort of clarity I couldn’t read. “Just a feeling?” He offered distantly, clearly mulling something over. When his eyes came back up, they were muddled with something else. His hand extended, hung in the air with twitching fingers before wrapping around my wrist and tugging me a step closer. Before I had the chance to breathe let alone comprehend, his face was next to mine and his mouth an inch from my ear. “Jesus, you’re so- Just come with me.” He muttered, leaning close before tugging me along.

I was a little reluctant, but he was laughing again which was better than the anger he’d just shown. Standing still, he’d seemed relatively okay, maybe a little tipsy, but moving was different. He was swaying a bit as he pulled me a long, glancing back as if I would wiggle away and run off. And sure, John had times were he put himself into fits of unstoppable laughter, but to hear him _giggle_ was another story entirely. Something was off. He tightened the hold around my wrist and was weaving me through the crowd, up the stairs, and down a hall He stopped before a door, opening it and sticking his head inside. He soon turned back to me and nodded. I wasn’t exactly sure what the nod was about but since he tugged me inside, I really didn’t have all that much time to wonder about it. When we were inside, I turned around to question him about pulling me into a dark bedroom, but he just stepped closer than a normal distance could be classified and put a hand to my chest.

That hand pushed me back through the darkness. I could still hear the beat of the music downstairs-or was that coming from my chest-and the chatter of all the people throughout the house. I didn’t even know what room he had dragged me into, but my mind couldn’t exactly focus on that right now. All it could do was pay attention to the fact that John’s lopsided grin and the way his fingers were drumming on my shirt were leading me to believe something about this was not right. He laughed quietly, my feet only stopping when the back of my legs hit something. I began to fall, but I caught myself by sitting down with one arm extended behind me. It was a soft landing. My mind registered it as a bed, but my eyes and every splinter of emotion were locked on his face; all my nerves burning where ever his fingers touched. When I sat, he followed. His knees went onto the bed, one on either side of me and- _holy fuck John was totally straddling my lap god damn he’s really heavy and his knee is hurting my fingers and suddenly I’m having trouble breathing and seeing and hearing but honestly who the fuck cares right now when this gorgeous being is giving me a look I’ve never once seen on his face but Jesus Christ had I seen it in my dreams-_ My hands were in fists in the cover, lungs frozen, chest tight as I held in my breath. I was so confused, I couldn't even think passed believing this was probably some joke he was pulling to humiliate me for his own joy.

He stared down without meeting my face yet, taking off his own glasses and setting them on the nightstand before looking me straight in the eyes. I noted that his grin was completely gone; something that rarely ever happened. I had seen John drunk before- he was giddiest whenever he had any alcohol in him at all. Let’s just say it was a little surprising to see such a serious expression on his face at this point. It all had to be a dream. I had probably passed out on a couch or a bed and my mind was just playing tricks on me. Some of the air in my hollow lungs escaped, but it wasn't enough to feel like I was breathing.

His hand traveled up to my cheek, thumb grazing against the warm skin as his other fingers played with the hair at the base of my neck. I knew my eyes went wide at this, fuck it, they were already wider than I was comfortable with. I tried to swallow and say something but I couldn't seem to gather any air despite the fact that I could feel my chest rise and fall frantically. But now his eyes were scanning over my face and he was coming closer. He was barely inches away when the words finally croaked form my throat.

“The fuck are you doing, John?” My voice sounded high and small. All of this was making me more than nervous and the flipping of my gut wasn’t helping.

He didn’t even speak. He just stopped me from trying to rationalize this with a hand to my mouth that was quickly replaced with his lips because- holy shit jesus fucking flying shitting christ John’s lips were on mine. Mouth on mouth, not even like mouth on cheek, we were full on about to start a heart throbbing mac sesh. What the fuck was happening? Definitely a dream. No other way would this be happening. This was still the John that had fled my apartment when I had kissed him- the one that had argued with me and chastised me so many times for kissing him- the one that dated girls and that told me he didn't like me in that way- but now he was the one- _he_ was kissing _me_. John. Willingly kissing me. Which was wrong and god dammit I could _taste_ the alcohol on his lips and his breath, but there was no way in hell I could give a flying fuck about that right now.

My breath stopped there, I couldn’t believe what was happening. My wish for the past six fucking years was happening. Six years of wanting him like this. And all I wanted was to keep him right here forever; keep kissing his beautiful face. However, of course my rational mind would get over my giddiness and kick back into control. Much to my disliking, my hands grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back.

I scrambled for words, for thoughts, for anything. “You have a grilfriend.” Was the only thing I could fumble out. Why that was the first concern I had about this situation was beyond me. Not that this was John, my very admittedly straight not attracted to me at all best friend, or that he was drunk, or that he had pushed me away from doing this exact thing. No, my first worry was about a girl I didn’t even like.

“Who cares? Dumped her a week ago anyway.” He breathed out, that hand sliding up into my hair and brushing through it just the right way. A comfortable sigh escaped me as my head lulled back with his hand. _God brain please just shut up. Just let me have this._

It didn't.

“Okay, so I’m some sort of backwards rebound- And you’re clearly drunk.”

He had the audacity to laugh in a situation like this. “And your point is?”

“Mental and emotional inhibition are no acceptable reasons to kiss me-” _Me_. He was kissing _me._ Why couldn’t I let myself have this moment I’d waited so long for? Why did I have to choose now to make good decisions and think of others before myself? Honestly, fuck me. I can’t even be nice to myself. “So-” I forced out long and vacant with a breath. “we shouldn’t be doing this when you can’t think straight.” If I had ever said something I didn’t mean more than that sentence right there, I would have been shocked.

“I can think just fine.” He all but purred, head craning down and reattaching to my neck.

Muscles acting over words, my head tipped to the side and I bit my tongue to keep from spewing any other rational thoughts out- or any sounds that would currently be far more than embarrassing.

“I’m John.” He broke off, giving a quick nibble and a hard suck to one spot on my neck that made me squirm. "You're Dave." I think my chest was going to hollow out as my stomach sunk and my throat struggled to let any air through. “I’m trying to kiss you, but honestly you’re making it pretty difficult when you won’t stop running your mouth. Not that I’m surprised.”

“Well I’m surprised!” I sputtered. “How do I know this isn’t just drunk John talking.” I whispered, hands sliding from his shoulders to trail down and grip his hips. I couldn't help myself. This was pathetic. _I_ was pathetic.

He lifted his head back, looking me dead in the eyes again as I straightened my own. They were a bit glossy, but he still had enough of his true self in the expression of his eyes to make me feel a bit more relaxed. “Drunk John and regular John are the same people, dipshit. One of them is just a little less of a pansy ass about his feelings.”

“And what feelings are those?”

“Feelings about how fucking attractive his best friend is.” This just had to be a dream. John would have never said that. I couldn’t even imagine him saying that it was so out of character. Not unwelcome, definitely not that, but still didn’t help my wariness. I exhaled through my teeth and tried my best to anchor myself in reality by digging my fingers a little more into his hips- not to mention that also being just the unintentional reaction of hearing his voice say such a thing in that deep voice. Thankfully, his grin quickly returned, and I couldn’t say it didn’t give a bit of reassurance that this really was the normal John- he was just a little more… free with himself.

“Oh really? So regular John thinks this too?” I hummed, trying my hand at being confident as a smirk began working its way on my face.

He laughed, pressing his lips back to mine a couple of times before pulling back. Each one was like a breath of fresh air, and I never wanted him to stop.  “Yes? But really, when has there ever been someone who couldn't notice how attractive you are? Anyone could tell that much. I guess it's just when I really started to think about it. When I knew how you felt about me- it really made me start to think y'know. And I know how much you like your ego stroked."

My eyes flicked wide for a second but quickly returned to normal. I tried to swallow but my mouth was dry and my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. You've got to be fucking kidding me universe. This isn't a dream- it's like fucking heaven up in here. “So why didn’t he do anything about it until now?”

“Let’s just say when you’re drunk you’re willing to do things you’re too scared to sober."

"We've been drunk together before." I commented which made him stop and actually try to think rationally about an answer.

"Yeah, well-" Rationality was failing him. I'm pretty sure thinking in general was failing him at this moment. "We haven't in a while. Most of that was last year."

"Did you just start thinking about it?"

"Not exactly- I guess I was still working through everything. Hadn't decided whether to do anything about or not." His face scrunched a bit, his head swaying back and forth a bit. "Can we not do this right now? I'll talk later, but like I said I just now worked up the nerve to do this and I don't really want that to go away. Now- kiss me.”

God did I want to; I wanted to do that more than I had ever wanted to do anything in my life, but my, for the most part, sober self was keeping me from it. "I can't, darling."

He seemed genuinely concerned at that, rescrunching his face in disappointment. "Why not?"

"You're drunk it's not right." I replied, trying to keep a smirk from tugging at the corners of my mouth.

Suddenly, his expression turned from confusion and almost worry into a goofy, lop-sided grin. "I'm not drunk. I'm just beginning to see what my mummy was talking about all those years ago." He began to chuckle and I let a quiet bubble out of my throat. "This is no time for Austin Powers." He muttered through a laugh as he leaned back into me. "Not to mention it's a horrible movie."

"Funny statement coming from you."

Hand was on my cheek, patting it lightly in his drunken stupor. "Now's not the time to piss me off about our differences in movie choices Strider."

I didn’t have time to speak again before his eyes drifted down and he was back to getting his way no matter what. God, his pecks were so _feverish_ \- and I almost didn't know what to do. I knew how drunk he was, I knew he'd probably regret it, I knew how much he must’ve wanted to keep this from me, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to- I wanted to stop and tell him no. Tell him that this wasn’t right and that he didn’t know what he was doing. All I could hear was my own thoughts full of curses and screaming for my muscles to stop disobeying my brain. Yelling at my fingers to stop slipping beneath the hem of his shirt or my lips to stop kissing him back- everything to just _stop_. Stop and realize how wrong it all was. How this isn’t what I wanted. Drunken and stupid is not how I wanted this. Stop and give me time to breathe and think through everything that was overloading any part of thought or sensation I had left. Despite whether he actually felt this way or not, I knew I sure as hell wasn’t going to feel good about this tomorrow. But I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t keep from pushing forward and letting it all happen. I was never good at resisting him; never good at shutting him out for very long. He always worked his way back in no matter how hard I’d try.

His voice came in a whisper. “Stop overthinking it.” And just like that he was back in, had me wrapped around his finger with no sign of letting go. He opened his mouth a bit more in an attempt to urge me forward while my hands finally let go of his hips and took to grazing up and down his sides. In a sudden movement, he had a hand on the back of my neck, pulling me down with him as he slid from my lap to lay on the bed. He wriggled up a bit so his head was on a pillow and tried his best to guide me over him. I wished I could've been more fluid about this whole thing, but my legs felt like they were made of lead and my arms are like those pencils you got in elementary school that were all bendable and wiggly.

“Stop thinking.” He repeated when I finally did manage to get my legs and arms on either side of him and he was settling back into the bed with a little sigh.

“I can’t.” I admitted to his eyes that were slightly closed and the warm grin that was back to being plastered on his face. I had my hands on either side of his face until I shifted down to my elbows and kept inhaling every exhale that puffed into my face, kept running over the ridges of his ribs or clawing at his hips to make sure he didn't run away, kept wishing so hard that he was sober and that this was years ago when I could have saved myself so much fucking pain. Of course I couldn’t stop thinking. Not when I was gaining sobriety by the minute and this was John laying underneath me with flushed cheeks and wandering hands. He just laid there, making sounds I thought I’d never hear coming from him; especially not from my doing but he had the audacity to tell me to stop thinking. But I would try my best. I swallowed my thoughts for the most part and told myself to regret this in the morning but goddammit just enjoy it now before he’s gone and back to being you’re –not gay- best friend. Although, he wasn’t much help when his hands somehow found their way under my shirt as I began to trail kisses down his jaw and to his neck making him shudder. He lifted his hips, back arched to press them against mine which only drew out a small but still reserved moan from my throat as I pushed back. Just as one of my own hands found the waist of his pants did a sudden blare of music come screaming from my pocket.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” I groaned through a deep sigh, head breaking from his skin to hang as I sat back on my knees. John rose to his elbows, giving me a curious look as I pulled my phone from my pocket.

“Hello?” I answered, not even trying to hide the annoyance in my voice.

“David- are you still here?” An overly slurred but still familiar tone came over the phone with a hiccup.

I ran a hand over my face, almost growling my response. “Yeah, why the fuck are you calling me Rose?”

“Well, it would seem I have become a bot- excuse me, bit intoxicated. I think I’ll need you to drive me hom- home.”

“Fuck. Can you give me… I don’t know. Time.”

“Afraid not.” Another short hiccup. “I’ve got class at weenieteenie early in the morning and I need my beauty sleep.”

My hand was in my hair, gripping it tightly as my face scrunched up. “Come on sis- just like a little while longer. Call a cab or some shit, I don’t really care I’m just a little busy right now.”

“No can do sporto- I’ve been threatened by my roommate if I wake her up past two again she is going to start locking me out. You wouldn’t want that on me dearest, would you? Plus you wouldn’t want little ole drunk me to get a cab all by myself at the risk of getting murdered or raped, right?” Her voice was lilting and loud, annoying- but I knew I couldn’t just leave her to fend for herself in a state like that.

I let out a long stream of grumbling curses before hissing into the phone and leaving what an unbelievable opportunity this had become. “Dammit fine.” Before waiting for a reply, I hung up and shoved the phone back in my pocket. Standing up, I straightened out my shirt and turned back to the bed. “I gotta go. The princess is in trouble.”

John got to his feet, swaying a bit before managing to steady himself and step forward. He grabbed the back of my head, smashing our mouths together yet again before pulling back.

“You won’t forget about this, right?” Damn I felt small, so fucking vulnerable and weak asking that, but I had waited far too long for that to happen.

He just grinned and shook his head. “Neither I nor regular John will forget.”

I let the faintest smile slip before nodding and turning around, hands in my pocket and smiling growing once he couldn’t see it.

Down the stairs I went, slipping back into the crowd of drunken people in search of my beloved damsel in distress. After getting elbowed and spilt on multiple times, I found her slumped into a chair with an arm over his eyes and a glass nestled between her hand and her stomach. A touch to her arm caused her to flinch and cast a threatening glance at me with one eye until it all faded into a smile.

“Oh brother, you came to save me.” She lilted, bringing her arm away from her face completely. “I’m forever indebted to you good knight.”

“Sounds great princess, now let’s go.” My hand was extended to her which she graciously accepted but not before tossing her half full cup to the floor with a completely insincere “oops”.

Pulling her to her feet, I slunk my arm around her waist once I realized she had been sitting for a reason. Walking obviously was not an option, so half leaning-mostly carrying was what I had to do. I weaved through the people, dragging her along with me as she hummed along with the current song playing and fumbled through the motions of walking. I was glad when we passed through the door to be hit with a cool October breeze. I had felt like I was on fire ever since John had led me up the stairs, but the air was cooling the burn of my skin nicely as it dried the nervous sweat that had formed on my forehead and neck.

I managed to sit her down on the stairs leading off the front porch and pull the contents off my back pocket into my hand. When I had expected to find some sort of cash or really any form of money, it was especially disheartening when I only found the receipt from lunch a few days ago, a few dimes, and a pair of headphones. Looking down at the mess beside me, I nudged her with my foot until she looked up.

“Got any cash?”

She glanced down at her lap, only finding her phone in one hand and nothing in the other.

“Unless I’ve hidden it from myself, I’d have to go with no.”

With a defeated sigh and a quiet mumble, I pulled my phone out of my other pocket. “I guess a cab isn’t an option then.” I began flicking through my contacts only to settle on one and pull my phone up to my ear.

“What’s up asshole?” I shouldn’t have been surprised when the line actually picked up, knowing full well sleep meant nothing to him anymore.

I exhaled in relief, earning myself a slight upturn of my lips. “Hey Sollux.” I started lightly, my hand coming up to the back of my head.

“Ah shit no-” He began immediately, slight bite to his words. “You’re using your help me tone.”

“How do you-” I tried, but he was already speaking over me.

“I know it because you sound friendly, and you only sound friendly when you need me to do something. Fuck, it’s almost four in the morning what could you possibly need?”

I muttered through some attempts at words as my hand flopped back to my side. Rose was snickering at my feet most likely being able to hear his irritated snarling on the other end. “Rose and I are stuck at a party with no cash for a cab.”

He quickly snickered in addition to what sounded like the squeaking of a computer chair. “Looks like you’re walking bro.”

“Shit, come on.” My hand was at my eyes, incessantly rubbing them out of exhaustion. “She can barely walk as it is and I’m exhausted. Could you just-”

“Dude I’m just kidding, just send me where you’re at and I’ll head that way.” There was a sharp zip of jacket and the jostling of the phone followed by a door shutting. “I can’t just leave you stranded there drunk and just waiting to get robbed and murdered. Well- at least murdered.”

“Hopefully the robber would realize we ain’t got shit and leave us the hell alone.” His snickering continued, “Plus, I can run faster than she can right now so it wouldn’t be much of a threat to me.”

“Fuck you can, I’m fine.” Rose tried to assure me with a punch to my knee that did little more than make my knee bend reflexively.

“Quiet down, I’m finding a way to get your ungrateful ass home.”

She slunk back down just as Sollux wished me luck and asked me not to die before he arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who knows when I'll get to the next chapter. Sorry in advance for how long a wait it will be.


	37. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO  
> It is finally done. So sorry it took so long. I was finally bullied into finishing this by a friend who knows you guys deserve a happy ending.  
> Thank you to those of you that have stuck with me this long. I hope you like it.

It wasn’t often that I would wake to pain centering in my neck. Not often as in never have I woken up to a constant pin pricking pain just below my jaw.

Irritation.

Eye twitch.

Pain.

One eye open.

A brief pause.

More pain.

A sleepy grunt.

Both eyes blinking open to a blurry ceiling.

There was a moment I has assumed I was imagining it or that it was a dream that was refusing to end. It wasn’t until my eyes were open and I was consciously awake that I knew the uncomfortable prodding at my throat was real and, for some ungodly reason, still happening.

“What?” I grunted, throat dry and voice rough from sleep.

“Are you fourteen?”

I groaned another “What?”, finally gaining enough awareness to swat away at the offending finger threatening to jab a hole in my skin.

There was a rustling of sheets and suddenly a curtain of blonde hair surrounding my face. “Are you fourteen?” Rose was propped up onto an elbow, hovering over me.  
Rather than allow whatever she had going to drag on I gave her a straight “No” with as little emotion as I could put into it.

“Well the hickey on your neck says differently.”

So much for no emotion.

As soon as my eyes grew wide, she was grinning evilly and scanning her eyes back down. My shoulders hunched in a futile attempt to hide whatever may be lurking down there.   
She merely laughed and flopped onto her back beside me.  
“Honestly, I was rather bothered when I woke up here and not in my own, clean, soft bed, but now I couldn’t be happier. The shame and regret on your pitiful face was worth it dear brother.”

“Please leave me alone.”

“Oh no, I’m not letting you off that easy.” She was rolling onto her side now, head propped up with her elbow on the mattress and her hand on her cheek. “Just who did you have attached to your neck last night?”

“Rose.” I warned, eyes squinting shut and my arm coming up to drape over them.

“I think you owe me an answer.”

“I don’t owe you shit.” I barked back. “If anything you owe me something for dragging me to that awful party.”

“Obviously it wasn’t entirely bad.” Her finger was back to poking at my neck which, admittedly, hurt a little bit. I wondered how bad it looked and how big the bruise was. “Now   
who?”

“Don’t yell.”

She laughed but still asked a confused, “What?”

“When I tell you.” I peeked out from underneath my arm to watch her nod expectantly, eyebrows lifted. “Don’t yell.”

“Why would I ever-”

I shut my eyes tightly in preparation and to avoid her judging glare that was bound to come. “It was John.” I was ready for a scream or a shout or something more than the silence I was met with. That was until I barely opened one eye to be met with her hand covering her mouth and face crinkled up. “Rose,” She burst into laughter, falling onto her stomach with her face pressed into the pillow and what could only be described as cackles muffling their way through the fabric. “Okay you can stop that.”

“I am sorry love,” She breathed heavily between a few more laughs, lifting herself up to sit on her knees and wipe at her eyes. “But you are utterly ridiculous.”

“Stop.” I groaned and became the one to glare.

“No, my apologies. I just,” She sniffed, laughed again, covered her mouth, and lastly cleared her throat. “It took you two long enough my heavens. Although, it honestly explains the juvenile behavior. You two have always acted like children.” She suddenly perked up, brazenly grinning. “Does anyone else know?” With an incredulous look, she simply   
nodded. “Oh of course not. Though I do suddenly feel the need to tell someone. You know I’m not usually one to become involved in gossip-”

“That’s a fucking lie.”

“But I need someone to laugh about this with.”

With a grunt, I rolled onto my side and tugged the blanket up to my chin. “Go to hell.”

“Dear, it’s only because I need to mock you.” She was running a hand through my tangled hair, tutting at my petulance. “You have made me suffer with this long enough, I’m just over joyed that you two have finally stopped with all the nonsense.”

“It’s not like we talked about anything. It happened and then I had to take care of your drunk ass before you got robbed or abducted.”  
She tugged my hair a little too tightly for comfort. “Don’t start blaming me for anything.”

“Be happy for me.”

“I am!” Her hand went to my cheek and forced me to look up at where she was now looming over me. “I am very happy for you. I just hope it all works out, yeah?”

I nodded in return, pushing against her hand slightly. “I promise I won’t fuck it up this time.”

“Well, that’s inevitable.” Tender moment over and back to me groaning and kicking her away. Thankfully, it only made her laugh and kick back.

 

I hadn’t allowed myself to think much on what had happened. Every time I began to look back I could feel myself slipping into a panicked state. I would quickly try to play it off then. Yeah, John had willingly let me kiss him. Maybe more than kissing- but that was when my heart started to thump away and I could feel my hands hurt and my muscles tighten. But what did it all mean? Who could know? It wouldn’t have been the first time I thought I understood John and then he showed me I actually knew nothing about his feelings. How was I supposed to know if this time was any different? And on top of that he was drunk. Maybe he would forget it all. Maybe he does remember but he regrets it. It was too much for me to confront my thoughts and risk working myself up into a worrying mess. Instead I had tried to distract myself all day. I’d finally gotten Rose to leave around noon after feeding her and giving her enough aspirin to ward off headaches for a month. I didn’t really want to explain anything to Sollux, afraid he’d scold me or even just make me talk about it. Talking about it was something I wanted to avoid at all costs- even with John at this point. I’d figured maybe it wouldn’t be too bad if he forgot. We could go back to acting like nothing was wrong and I would continue pining over someone I should never have. Except maybe it wasn’t me pining alone anymore. The tiniest hope that he wanted this too was what kept me wanting him to remember. Despite how uncomfortable it was going to be, just possibly it would be worth it. But that doesn’t mean I wanted to talk about it. If I could only know what he was feeling, I would be much better, much more secure. But because I knew nothing, I wanted to avoid it for the time being. So I said nothing to Sollux as we sat on the couch and played video games, or when Karkat came home from work and complained until we went out for dinner, or when we were back sitting in the living room with the three of us debating about a movie to watch. When, per usual, we couldn’t settle on a genre without almost breaking into a fight, Karkat grabbed the remote away from me and flicked it to something random. I had put myself on the floor in front of him even though the other end of the couch was open. It was mainly just to annoy him but it backfired when it gave him the prime position to kick at the back of my head every time I made a snide remark. Sollux had settled in the chair next to the couch, not wanting to get involved in our bickering or be any part of collateral damage if I tried to swat at Karkat behind me and accidentally hit him.  
When there was a knock at the door, it made both Sollux and I glance at each other before drifting over to Karkat who was unfolding himself and hopping off the couch.

“I forgot to mention,” He began, sounding far from apologetic. “I told John to come over. This was back when I thought we were going to watch a movie. Then you assholes had to bicker us into the current situation.”

“Not sure why you thought he would be a helpful addition into a quarrel about movies.” Sollux responded blankly with a shrug. “His horrible taste is only surpassed by your own.”

“Says the person who wanted to watch a stupid fucking spy movie we’ve already seen three times.”

“Okay but it’s a good movie. Despite what you two losers have to say about it.” At that moment, Sollux turned his glare from Karkat down to me as I was currently locked into a stare at the door. He paused before beckoning, “Hey man, you good?”

It took a few seconds longer than it should to be convincing, but eventually I managed to turn my attention to the question. “Wha- yeah, I’m good.”

He glanced to the door, working through a few rounds of possibilities before settling on. “You guys aren’t fighting or anything, right?”

“I don’t think so.”

I didn’t know why at first, but Sollux just laughed and shrugged again. “Thought I’d ask based on that scared look you had. I can’t keep up with the mood between you two.”

“We’re fine.” I muttered, turning back to the tv in order to avoid whatever look John would have when he came in.

After a minute, Karkat and John settled back onto the couch without a word to anyone else but each other. They were discussing something about a class they must both be in, but I couldn’t focus on the words. I was quickly trying to remedy the fact that my heart has sped up. With steady breathing, I brought it back down and tried my best to focus on the show playing before me. Despite my best efforts not to talk to him, I also didn’t want it to be obvious that something was going on. I knew with just a whiff of something, one of them would call us out. So, we carried conversations as normally as we could but still only spoke to each other when it seemed appropriate. I could assume from his rigid body language and the similar behavior that he very much did remember and was feeling just as uncomfortable as I was with the situation. But he had to have known there was a strong possibility I would be here, right? I mean, this is my apartment just as much as Karkat’s. And Kar would have almost certainly mentioned that Sollux and I would be joining the would-have-been movie night. Which led me to believe he either was going to ignore it entirely or possibly wouldn’t mind bringing it up. No matter, I was whole heartedly thankful he wasn’t going to do it with these two around. That fact was proven when he stayed behind even after being offered an escape.

“Well,” Karkat yawned and stretched his arms over his head. “Sorry that my promised movie turned into sitting here and listening to the twin fuckheads” A gesture in mine and   
Sollux’s direction “argue all night.”

“Really, it’s fine.” John replied with a laugh. “It got me out of my apartment for a bit at least.”

“Trouble in the broland that is your apartment?” Sollux quipped but it was only met with another chuckle.

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Either way, sorry for not fulfilling my irresistible offer.” With that, Karkat rose to his feet. “And I’m going to head off to bed. They’ve got me working the breakfast shift which   
means getting up at the ass crack of dawn. Stay or leave I don’t really care.” He waved flippantly, before lacing his fingers behind his head and wandering down the hallway toward   
his bedroom.

“Speaking of ass crack of dawn, I’ve got some shit to do that is definitely due before class tomorrow and that is around what time I will get done with it.” He swung his arms   
forward and propelled his body to stand. “Guess that means I should get started.” Once he followed behind Karkat and there were two soft shuts of doors, it left John and me   
finally, inevitably, alone.

“You really can go.” I said quietly, not looking at him yet.

“It’s fine.” He replied quickly, maybe too quickly. He paused and then finished with, “I’m fine.”

I didn’t feel like I needed to respond to that with more than a small nod. With my back to the couch, I couldn’t see him sitting on the other end. At least not fully. There was a bit   
of movement at the edge of my vision that I could assume, knowing John, was his leg bouncing as he nervously tapped his foot. I was more comfortable then I thought I’d be in   
this situation considering how much less has thrown me into panic before. I don’t think the same could be said for him. He was probably exploding on the inside, trying his best   
to not act like himself and instead hold his tongue. The television was humming lowly and I almost had the nerve to reach over my shoulder for the remote and turn it up. Almost.   
Not quite. Instead we continued to sit quietly as the room changed colors with every new scene. With the sun being behind the building next to mine, the room was dim with just a   
hint of an orange glow. All the other light was coming from the late night show now playing. I knew I could withstand the swallowing quiet longer than John could- I also didn’t   
want to bring anything up before him. I didn’t want to force him to talk about it, and I also didn’t want to ignore it happening in case he actually did want to say something.   
Thankfully I didn’t have to worry because after not too long he was clearing his throat in true John fashion.

“Are we going to pretend like happened?”

I’ll admit I wasn’t fully expecting him to go straight for the topic. I figured he’d skirt around the question before he got fed up and just blurted it out. What was even odder was his   
tone. He sounded flat- very unlike the nervous, jumpy boy I thought I knew. It was slightly unnerving honestly.

I took a moment to breathe shallowly; let the question hang there draped over my shoulders pulling them down. “Is that what you want?” I didn’t turn around, didn’t show my face,   
didn’t give him any room to try and decide how I felt.

It didn’t matter though- his response was too quick and we both knew it.

“No-” His voice jumped high. He tried to fix it by clearing his throat again, breathing, starting again. “Of course not.”

“This isn’t really an of course not situation. You were very drunk-”

“I wasn’t that drunk.”

“-and how was I supposed to know if you even remembered doing it-”

“Clearly I remember.”

“-and even then, it would be easier to pretend like it didn’t-”

“Since when have we ever been easy?”

“-then I wouldn’t have to worry about this being something you don’t want-”

“Would I have done it if I didn’t want to?”

“-I never know what you’re thinking or feeling these days so how I am to know if-”

“Jesus Dave it’s not that complicated if you would just-”

That current sentence stopped and was replaced with “-if I would just? How about would you just let me finish?” My voice had become louder. Enough to finally make him stop and   
snap his jaw shut. I hated the thought that Sollux and Karkat could probably hear us bickering. It made me wonder what they thought considering I hadn’t told them anything yet.   
They probably already knew something was up considering how awkward we’d both been acting all night simply from being in the same room together.

Nonetheless, now that he had stopped interrupting me. I finally turned to him. He had apparently been staring at the back of my head, or my profile, or whatever he could see   
from where he was sitting. Because of this, my eyes were immediately met with his. It caused my voice to drop into my stomach and my lungs to constrict. He looked calm but   
scared, anxious and yet collected. Always unsettling for me how steady his gaze was. Even when scared his eyes were wild and determined. Foggy blue skies casting an irresolute   
stare down on me. My words were suddenly and forcefully tangled into a knot on my tongue and snagging on my teeth when I tried to push them out. Unable to hold his eyes,   
mine fell down to his chest that was almost still as a result of his subtle breathing. Further down to his fists, latching onto pants, knuckles white, trembling. His body was always   
more telling than his eyes, than his voice. Still I found no comfort in knowing he was just as much of a mess as I was. If anything it made my mind plummet further into itself. I   
was lost in my own head and he was waiting. I’d snapped at him and now I was sitting there staring at him without saying another word. How hypocritical. I ought to speak up; not   
act like I was trapped in fear and uncertainty. Not act like I could see the same feeling mirrored in him as his knocking knees and his grinding jaw and his twitching eyebrows.

“Are you going to finish?” He managed, called it out to me.

I was stuck there in my thoughts of his eyes so accusing, mouth drawn into a frown. A frown of a mouth that had but only shortly ago been so close to mine. The thought of which   
sent me back into a whirlwind of memories- some of which I was fond of, others making me want to throw up and simultaneously launch myself at him.

“Dave-” My attention was back but my mind wasn’t. “Finish then won’t you?”

Still nothing but a breath and wide eyes flicking between his and the space just above his head. What was I supposed to say? How could I fit in everything I’d been feeling since we   
were kids? How I still remember building sandcastles and doing homework together and missing him- god, did I miss him. Even when he came back I missed him, the old him.   
How could I explain that there wasn’t a moment when I ever truly hated him? Even when he flaunted his relationships or left me feeling more alone than I had when it was just me   
and Bro. I wanted to say so much and I couldn’t figure out what to start with or how to even begin. It was suffocating. I wanted, yearned, to make myself clear for once. Finally let   
us be on the same page. And I knew he wanted to listen. He wished to know everything this time. He was welcoming me, so why was it harder than ever before?

“Dave.” He repeated louder, quicker, stern.

My response was immediate this time. Just as quick, gliding out of my mouth on an exhale. My voice was quiet, timid, longing. “I love you.”

That’s what made it out. Nothing about our past or any thought I had in the previous fleeting minutes. It was apparently the only thing my voice could form. I wasn’t all that   
prepared for it. I knew as soon as it happened he wasn’t either. Eyes went wide on both our parts. Both of us shocked that it had come out like that. I had said it before, once,   
years ago. Surely he still knew it was true. I had to have at least made that clear.

I thought at best he would start to speak and at worst he would simply get up and leave. Despite that, he just continued to sit there and stare back at me, eyes scanning from my   
eyes, down, then back up. I’m not sure I’ll ever comprehend how it happened. Memory too blurry and frantic that it has left the following few moments blank. There was that   
rushed, untimely confession then sudden movement without another thought. No thoughts because there I was kneeling up from the floor with one hand on the couch cushion   
and the other reaching out quickly. He was bent over, eyes already closed but with both hands coming to hold my face and steady himself. He’d tossed his glasses to the floor   
beside us which made me and my unbruised nose thankful. His fingers were cold against my cheeks, cold sliding around to the back of my neck. I hesitated with my nose inches   
from his while scanning over his expression for any sign of discomfort. When I was only met with tense anticipation, my fingers tangled in hair curling upwards at the ends. I used   
that both to ground myself and to pull him forward the rest of the way as I rose fully onto my knees. In the now dark room with only the murmur of the tv and the hum of the   
heater, I brought his mouth to mine finally, cautiously, slowly, hopeful. It wasn’t desperate like the times before. It wasn’t rushed. I didn’t do it hoping that he wouldn’t pull away   
or that he wouldn’t wake up. It felt right this time. My nerves weren’t because I was scared of rejection. Don’t get it wrong- I was fucking terrified but for the right reasons. The   
flutter in your stomach jittery reasons. The reasons that stemmed from this beautiful boy finally accepting all I had to give him.

I wanted to curse myself for getting wrapped up in my own thoughts again. I should have been focusing on the ten pin pricks dancing along my neck and cheek and the breath   
ghosting over my mouth every time we parted but were drawn right back. Whether it had been the fatigue, the nerves, or the alcohol, the other night hadn’t felt like this. It had   
been hurried and haphazard. There was no languid pull of our lips. Instead, it had been almost rough smashing as if we were trying to make up for lost time or get it done before   
either of us realized what was happening. Now, he was sinking closer to me in a sluggish way while holding on like I would slip away if he gave me the space. That’s laughable   
honestly.

I could never leave him now.

I never wanted him away from me ever again.

To make this point clear, I moved up to my feet and kept going until he was sliding onto his back and the floor under my knees was replaced with the couch. His hands had never left my face for a second. As soon as I was above him with knees bracketing his sides, he was tugging me back down. I lost track of the time and how much air I sucked in trying to catch my breath. It was the same for him, I guessed, considering how often he would shift and gasp or whine when I took a break and spent time latched onto his jaw, his neck, just below his ear. I knew I was rambling through every breath in between, it would make him give an airy laugh occasionally. I couldn’t hear much of what I was saying over the buzz in my ears and the thumping of my heart. It was probably all embarrassing either way. I knew this much from what I did realize I was sputtering out.

“You’re so gross.”

His eventual response was a mutter, but I only laughed against his skin. “You love me.”

“Yeah,” He puffed out, fingers twisting up in the hair at my neck. “I do.”

I felt heavy after listening to that, wanting to melt against him and cling to him for the rest of my life. I would have never believed it even just months ago if someone told me what   
I’d be doing or hearing in this moment. But here it was now and my brain was fizzling, almost unable to comprehend it all. I must have stalled because I could feel his chest   
heaving against mine and his shoulders scrunching up.

“Hey,”

“Say it.” It came without much consent from my brain. It was clipped and rushed as wide eyes stared at the blurry pillow to the side of his head that was covered in hair splayed out   
against it.

He had stopped moving entirely, stopped even breathing. But it was just a moment of hesitation before he was relaxing back into the couch and letting an almost inaudible “I love   
you” float from his lips directly into my ear.

The admission let me fall back into a flurry of kisses against his mouth and even more amorous rambling. “Shit.” I let slide out when he would pull back to breathe and I would get   
a chance to look at hooded eyes and shiny lips. It elevated to a quiet, “Fuck”, when he would lift his chest to push against mine or tug at my hair. Short expletives transformed into   
lengthy thoughts that fell onto his shoulder and made his movements stutter. “I love you.” Another, softer pull to my hair. “God, I love you.” An almost silent choking of a whine. “I   
love you so fucking much.” When he couldn’t stand it anymore, he would push instead of pull, forcing my face back down to press light kisses into the crook of his neck.

I didn’t know when I would have stopped if it wasn’t for a laugh and the clearing of someone’s throat a few feet away. I would have spent hours lavishing him in soft gestures and   
whispers of everything I had been dying to tell him for years. But now there was an unpleasant groan followed by a snicker that I tried to ignore. John apparently couldn’t based on   
the fact that for the first time his hand left my face and was pushing against my shoulder. 

With a quiet grunt I finally left him alone, moving up to my elbows before fully to my hands. I didn’t miss out on the opportunity to gaze down at reddened cheeks, mussed hair,   
and glossy eyes that quickly slid shut. There was just a beat before he was scrunching his face up and pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. Since my beautiful view was gone, I   
pushed myself back to where I was sitting on my bent knees and pushing my hair back out of my face. I was met with a glare and a grin.

“This is disgusting.” The glare said, turning to wander into the kitchen.

“Oh you know you’re just jealous.” The grin mused, arms crossed against his chest as he leant against the doorway of the hallway and the rest of the apartment.

Falling easily into our usual banter instead of being embarrassed felt easier than I thought it was going to. I guess I had gained some sort of confidence from what just happened,   
adrenaline making me more comfortable that I could have imagined. “Yeah Kar, you want to come over here and join in.” I opened my arms, one hand waving him over but was   
only give a scoff and an inaudible grumble in return. “And besides I thought you were going to bed.”

“I’m thirsty.” He bit, ducking his head into the fridge.

“Hungry.” Sollux responded before I asked, followed by pulling the fridge door out of the other’s grasp and opening it wider. “And don’t act shy,” Sollux continued as he mimicked   
my actions. “We know you want us to drown you in affection.”

He spoke up with the next noise that came like tetchy exasperation out of his chest. “Like hell I do.” He was clutching a water bottle in his hand, lifting it in a threat of a smack.

“Aw baby,” I was stopped short.

“Uh Dave-” It was a quiet voice below me- oh yeah John was still lying there under me. “Would you maybe mind removing yourself from my lap?”

“Shit, yeah, sorry.” I spluttered quickly, scooting to the other end of the couch where I was fully off him.

He sat up, hands going to straighten out his hair before giving his still rosy cheeks a quick pat then falling to his lap. “Sorry guys.” He began but Sollux just laughed loudly again,   
cold pizza hanging limply in his hand.

“What do you have to be sorry for? If anything I should be thanking you. Looks to me like that one won’t be so depressing and exhausting anymore.” He waved the pizza at me   
before flopping it into his mouth.

“Thanks.” I responded flatly but it made John’s smile return a little which I couldn’t help but be thankful for.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, we both really like to listen to you complain and whine all the time, but this is a huge fucking relief.”

“I get it.”

“No really, I’m ecstatic. Can’t you tell?” He lifted his eyebrows slightly with a small upwards twitch of the cornes of his mouth.

“Same for me.” Karkat droned, face set in its normal apathetic scowl.

I nodded, extending a hand as a pointed gesture. “Clearly.”

“Come on,” Karkat began as he pushed Sollux by the shoulder. “Let’s go and leave this revolting scene behind. I don’t want to think about it anymore and I doubt Dave will tolerate   
you making fun of him for much longer.”

Sollux resisted for a moment as he snickered and gave a thumbs up. “Mom and Pop are truly grateful. Just be careful son.” The last thing I could hear was Karkat questioning   
which one was the mom followed by a smacking sound and disgruntled complaining.

Again, we were left alone. I still felt somewhat light from the normalcy of our squabbling, but I knew if I dared look at John I would plummet into self-conscious mess.

“Dave.” He called quietly. From what I could tell as my gaze was focused on the wall, the ceiling, anything else, he was sitting up straight now. Sitting up then moving to his knees   
and fumbling his way over. Sitting down in front of me as I retracted myself further into the couch arm in a poor attempt to get away. “Look at me.” I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. His   
hands came up to touch my cheeks but I flinched. “Dammit Dave just fucking look at me.” His hands were cold now. Either from not being on me or from nerves. Cold on my   
cheeks as he pulled my face down and close to his. It was only to gain my full attention. He leaned back once he had it but his hands stayed on my face. “Are you okay?”

It was a soft question that immediately made me defensive. I laughed a little too loudly and my eyes wandered away from his face again. “Of course why wouldn’t I-”

“No.” He said sternly, shaking my face back and forth. “Don’t do that. Just look at me and give me an answer.” Putting my attention finally back on his face was a mistake. He was   
staring so intently into my eyes all hard features and determination. “Are you okay?”

I couldn’t breathe again. My throat was caught half way in a swallow, too dry to actually be successful. “Are you?” It took long enough, but it still came out quiet and scratchy.

He sighed, bringing our foreheads together. “Yeah, I think so.”

His eyes slipped closed, as my hands came to match his by planting themselves on his cheeks. “Then I am too.”

We probably looked ridiculous, him kneeling between one leg stretched out beside him and the other on the floor. Both of us holding the others face with our foreheads pressed   
against one another. It was unexplainable how embarrassed I’d be if Karkat or Sollux decided to come back through. And yet, somehow I couldn’t care. Not when I finally had this.   
Had him telling me he was okay after kissing the breath out of me in a completely conscious and sober state. I couldn’t care about anything else but him. I never could and I   
wasn’t about to start now.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. “For everything- all those years.”

“John, you don’t have to do this.” My thumb went to stroking softly against his cheek but he just delicately shook his head.

“I’ve put you through so much. It was awful. I am awful.”

“You’re not.” Both thumbs rubbing against his face, other fingers trying to scratch at the base of his hair. “I promise you it’s all okay. None of that matters now.”

He actually laughed at, shoulders hunching. “You’re crazy.”

“That I will agree with.” His laughter was contagious, bringing an easy titter from my chest. “But you are too.”

“This is going to be dysfunctional. Truly a mess.”

“This-”

“Us.”

My laughter stopped and my thoughts faltered. “Us?”

“We are a dysfunctional mess.”

I could tell now that I was smiling with abandon. My cheeks were beginning to ache and my face was growing hot but it was nothing compared to the heat from beneath my palms.   
I was trying to look at him, watch his expression, but he was so close he was rather blurry. I wouldn’t dare pull away. I wanted to keep him as close as I possibly could for as long   
as he would let me. I was hopeful and forgiving. Clinging to every one of his words and pulling from them any meaning I could. “There’s an us?”

He was still laughing gently as he gave the slightest hint of a nod. “Took me long enough, yeah?”

I pushed forward to place the softest kiss to the space of his cheek not covered by my hand before returning my forehead to his and breathing out a content sigh. 

“It was worth every minute.”


End file.
